platonic pining feels so damn weird

this mf long so don't tell me i didn't warn u

been in a rut for over a year

something something autistic burnout

idk the cause or the solution

just trying to survive each day as best i can

easier said than done when everything that brings me joy (ha) is behind a pay wall

that's capitalism baby~

found out fauna is going to the only anime convention i can attend on a reasonable budget.... but im already so broke....

I'd shell out the cash (debt) if it meant guaranteeing a spot at the meet and greet but they might not release info until too late when plane tickets are unaffordable ;_;

i wanna look forward to something because sustaining my sanity on retail therapy and getting high definitely is losing its effectiveness

brain always returns to the loneliness. i know its crippling but how much of my struggle is from that and how much is from my disability... they're both invisible which makes it hard to tell

would having a partner help that much? my gut tells me yes since ill have motivation to live if i have someone to share existence with but that feels like putting all my eggs in one basket and setting myself up for an unhealthy relationship

i like to think i won't fall down that path of toxic codependency like i have in the past tho im not crazy confident based on my track record

Which reminds me I've realized how appealing polyamory sounds to me but I'm terrible in groups I feel like I'd be overwhelmed with more than 3 (including myself) tho who knows what can happen

REGARDLESS i guess i gotta talk to people and make friends since i am incapable of socializing with the intention of dating (trust issues yippee)

i wish i had a crush at the very least. i bring this up often but i fucking miss the feeling of legitimate interest and attraction towards someone

How do I meet someone, become comfortable enough with them, and ultimately find a partnership that satisfies my insane desires???? maybe I'm putting the cart before the horse? Tackling too much at once? Something like that...

Imma be real the only reason I'm active on here is another mechanism to cope with this loneliness (akin to listening to asmr for instant happy brain juice + with the added benefit of "putting myself out there")

My strange fantasy that I'll meet people on here like I did years ago and magically hit it off

AAAAAAUGGHHHHH how did I do it back then it seemed so easy what happened to my social skills (trauma, probably)

How is it I work 2 days a week and am still drained constantly? when will I be free from sleepy bitch syndrome? it's like I've been running on fumes for the past year WHEN WILL I HAVE THE WILL TO LIVE AGAIN

i miss having someone to talk to frequently about everything

i have my besties but unfortunately knowing there's no sexual or romantic attraction there makes it hard for me to get past these barriers?? Is that weird? I wanna be able to be intimate with someone and close but for me that's intrinsically tied to sex and romance. I'm overflowing with platonic friendships to the point where I had to cut off a bunch and leave many people I care about hanging because I simply have no energy to exist anymore

I've been doing my best each day but it only gets harder

The only thing I have energy for is getting high and living inside the fantasies my brain can muster as a means to cope with how lonely I am

I dream of being hugged, of someone touching me, of being accepted for all my flaws and reassured that my existence isn't shameful. I live for the day these might become reality

Since as long far back as highschool I've yearned for intimacy

Physical intimacy specifically since the most I've done is hold hands and lil cute things like that I CRAVE SKINSHIP UNLIKE ANYTHING ELSE

Anyway if anybody made it this far hi feel free to confess ur undying love 2 me

Okay, me again 🤭 seems like Little Women is preoccupying my thoughts tonight, and I don't remember if I've seen you talk about this, but I'm really curious: thoughts on Jo and Bhaer ? I really liked him in the book (which i read before seeing the movie) but not as a romantic interest for Jo, bc he's so much older than her. Then the movie made him younger and I feel like the actors had so much chemistry, I was genuinely rooting for them! And while they do end up together in the end, I read this article talking about how this did not happen "irl" but what Jo put in her book bc the editor wanted the main female character married off. This was also supported by the colors of the scenes, how the present day scenes are all duller/cold colors vs flashbacks/scenes of the book Jo writes being so sunny; the epilogue scene (where Jo and Friedrich are married) is drenched in sunlight, and the scene of her chasing him to the train station is also very warm-colored. So thoughts on this whole thing? It's all the more interesting for me to hear them bc I'm obviously looking at this from a very romance pov (can't help it lol) but platonic, friendship love is the lense you look through most of the time (or so I've noticed).

There are two witches within me. One loves Jo and Fritz and doesn't care about the nature of their relationship as long as they're having fun being their lovely nerdy selves, the other one is perfectly aware that I, as someone who strongly identifies with Josephine Jo March, would only agree to marriage if it resembled the one Jo and Fritz have in the books. (Would still elope though, let's not get too ahead of ourselves, was talking to a childhood friend a few weeks back and my sister joked about me possibly having already eloped with someone and my childhood friend said: Jo. That would be very you. I rolled my eyes and started to talk about how incompetent the writers of my bio textbook are, but who am I to argue, I'm just the person in question here.) I strongly recommend reading Little Men and Jo's Boys because, to be frank, those works forced me to accept the grip this fictional relationship has on my rotten, evil, spinster-wanna-be heart. The rest is under the cut because it all got concerningly long. How shocking :O

It's complicated! But it always is with me and my romantic otps because I always identify with the people involved in those ships that I almost ship them in spite of myself. It's easier if I identify with both parties and if I identify with them in a way that doesn't make me completely insane (aka I don't identify with them entirely), but offers me a certain amount of comfort probably because I've already come to terms with the thing about them that I relate to. (this is how I feel about sparkly GG's Dan and Blair) BUT with Jo and Fritz or with Ten and Rose I just go :| because they involve characters who find the idea of settling down repelling and uncharacteristic to their understanding of themselves, like in total contradiction of who they are or have always been and then there's this person and it's just... well this. I think what makes it even more unsettling for me is how this isn't exactly a conscious decision, it's just that Jo and Fritz love spending time together. They simply enjoy being around each other and geeking out and talking literature and art and politics and philosophy and Jo feels so seen and understood in an intellectual sense for the first time ever and that's so big and so important to her. And I think that's what will always be true about their dynamic no matter how you view it. (and I beg to argue that lw 2019 offers enough room for any interpretation)

(Mainly talking about book Jo x Bhaer in the following paragraphs because I don't ship them in the 2019 movie and my interpretation overlaps with the one you presented in your ask, boy do I love having multiple versions of the same story in my head.)

Idk they just kinda slip into sharing their personal worlds with one another, there's not really a big realisation about the nature of their bond while they are together, the italicized oh moment is a result of overthinking the interactions after they have already occurred. While they're together it's just fun and pleasent and Jo doesn't have the time to go through potential meaning of it all while it's happening which is quite telling because, with Jo being a storyteller, she observes every moment from that lens, but with Fritz reality is somehow enough? YOUR HEART UNDERSTOOD MINE?!?!??!?! That's from the book, that's the essence of Jo and Fritz. You can't exactly stay immune to that. Like Fritz is the most Jo-ish love interest Jo could have gotten. He's bookish and an outcast and raggedy (affectionate) and so deeply kind. In the words of Penn Badgley (I love using his name as one of a great philosopher, @/tumblr girlies jochase has A Type) it's this completely heady thing where Jo falls for this person because he's her imperfectly perfect intellectual match and he gets her and he listens and she ends up loving him romantically because of all that. It's a progression! This is Jo March, of course it's a story in chapters, right? Everything is a story with Jo. And Fritz is kind of her indicator that real life can be just as literary, but maybe not in the way that she expected it to be? LMA really said if I have to marry my girl off she's getting the most unconventional marriage there is or she's dying, like that's it. All in all, it's such a cool dynamic regardless of the label you decide to put on it, but I think in the book you can't read it as anything other than romantic because it kinda takes away from the power of what LMA did with them, you know? Also like. I love how, in the book, Fritz isn't portrayed as conventionally attractive, but it's quite clear that he is attractive to Jo, which is also a brilliant move on Alcott's part. Also peace.mp3.

I'm starting to feel like it doesn't really matter. It never matters. It's the same when we're fighting and the same when we're good.

I feel like I'm always alone, like I have no friends, and begging for anyone to talk to me. Which is crazy way for someone in a relationship to feel

Sidenote, once you're older than 25, it gets very difficult to make friends. It's almost like the world pushes for you to have the closest and most intimate relationship with your partner. And that you almost have to prioritize the romantic relationship over any other kinds of connections. So what ends up happening is that it's difficult to make friends with people because they have different priorities while most social events assume that you are with someone else...most likely a boo. Ironically, it's much easier to find a romantic or sexual partner than it is a long-term friendship

But back to me. I know I moved up here alone. I knew I would've have anyone when I got here. When I moved, I understood that there'd be no one there to just chat. Not even when I desperately needed it.

And I just wish that he would call me every day or every other day. Even more so, I wish he could see just how much I need that from him. I mean...I don't have anyone. Even though I'm in this relationship, I don't have anyone.

And honestly, I'm getting tired of feeling that way. Part of me thinks that I don't have too. It's a long shot but I can find someone else, right? Someone that won't make me feel like I'm alone, even when they are in the room.

Off topic, but I grew up heavily religious. I'm still a very spiritual person though I'm far from a fundamentalist. And it's been difficult lately...very difficult. I've struggled with mental health for a long time but it's getting to the point where I don't see myself making it to 30. I'm 27 & truthfully, 28 doesn't seem guaranteed. He doesnt know that. But if he ever, idk, considered that maybe theres a reason I ask for certain things, he would. And that maybe there's a reason I really struggle with the way he just doesn't seem to really care whether I exist or not.

Anyway, I've been fasting for a week now. Might as well try the spiritual route because not much else is working. He does not care much about the fast either but for a moment this isn't about him. I feel alone. And like there's nothing connecting me to the world. Frankly, the world doesn't seem too interested in connecting with me. Quite the opposite. So I did this fast to ask myself the following: "Can my spirit and will sustain me when the external world can't or just doesn't want too."

(On the flip side, that's also one of the reasons I try not to push too hard for affection. He can never know the truth. I would never do something like that to him.)

Idk, I figured fasting from external sustenance would ignite some version of internal sustenance. The first 3 days were 18 hours. These last 2 days have been 24 hour fasts. It was actually much more difficult than I thought it would be. I had no idea that *not eating* can cause vomiting.

But the fast is over in 2 hours. I did it. I managed to rely fully on my spirituality and my own self. And now, he just looks so small in comparison. My disappointment in his lack of effort far outweighs any of the appreciation I have for the effort that does exist.

And I know I'm being harsh. He's not in the states right now. He has an app just to talk to me. He's busy and he wouldn't respond to anything if he didn't care. I tell him to send me pictures and he does. But...it's so unsatisfying. 2 messages a day at most. None of it is a conversation. I know he gets off at 9 and it'd be nice if he would call...at 9. Instead of a message, the a reply, that may or may not be answered. I'm not saying he doesn't have a reason to not be putting in effort. I just think it's a fairly reasonable for a partner to want/*need* a conversation every day when the other partner is literally in a foreign country. my issues aside, the least a partner can do is say they're still alive and how it's going.

I do see his point of view so I'll give it one last chance. When he comes back, I can try to make it work again. And I won't even tell him, lord knows he's too busy to deal with it. I'll just keep it to myself how much I don't want to deal with it anymore. And maybe he'll prove me wrong.

But right now, Ive become more assured in the things that will see me through whatever life lies ahead of me. And I see how little concern or difference our lives effect one another. And well, I just can't afford the feelings he inspires and I can't help but fantasize about what it'd be like to do something crazy like hug 8 times a day