7.2.21; 7:07pm
though i removed all pathways to see it today,
i know it’s there.
the marriage of my rapist
to the woman he now calls his.
i know it’s there because i remember it,
less than a year ago,
flashing itself across my facebook feed
and engraining itself in my retinas.
it’s disturbing to know someone so horrid
so apathetic
so vile
can wriggle their way into someone else’s life so effortlessly
so flawlessly,
or so one would think.
lord knows what happens on the other side of the door,
but history has shown me
even angels can fall to hell;
my eyes roll back into my head
willing the memories away:
it gets easier with time.
so today, 689 days since i decided i was leaving you,
i write this poem for you
rather than myself.
because it is time to lay it to rest.
to never utter your name again;
to lower the casket of this trauma
and liberate myself from the grips of regret.
you will never apologize
or acknowledge the pain you’ve caused,
but today i have decided to forgive you
my soul deserves peace.
i. roses. pure, raw happiness. i felt like i was the center of his world, and every moment i didn't spend with him was lost. fireworks with his hand in mine, and i couldn't stop smiling on the way home.
ii. petals. he felt different, like i was seeing a new person. this wasn't the same guy who fell head over heels for me, was it? uncertainty. i love you. running after him, even though i knew he wouldn't do the same for me (but maybe one day, i hope). good, but not good enough to be a priority. i was background noise and he was still on that (undeserving) pedestal.
iii. wilting. when we were together, it was so so good. but when we weren't, i could feel us falling apart. i thought a little trouble was normal. it couldn't always be picture perfect. and then i found out it was worse than i ever realized, that i hadn't been good enough for months, and nothing i could do would fix it. sand slipping between my fingers, and the harder i tried to hold on, the faster it fell.
iv. thorns. how do you forget someone who has been a part of you every day for years? no one ever told me heartache felt like a fever. i'd never felt so cold in the summer. doubt. how could i ever be enough for someone if giving up all of me still wasn't enough? (sweetheart, your worth was never tied to him)
vi. buds. peace. acceptance. falling in love with myself. remembering that i was a person before him and finding her again. a feeling of unburdenment. no more guilt or uncertainty. spending time with the people who loved me unequivocally. freedom.
vii. hello. im sorry. can we try again?
viii. roses. and maybe this is how the cycle starts again. willing ruination. letting him back in (just friends, of course) even though he once held a piece of my heart. maybe heartbreak hurts less the second time around (or that's what i tell myself).
Bir sıkıntı var çözemiyorum. Zihnim üşüyor artık fazla düşünmek bana göre değil. Uyurum geçer diyorum, o da olumsuz. Rüyalarım hiç yardımcı olmuyor. Önüme koyulan her engelde pes etmeye yeminli gibiyim kalkmaya da gücüm olmuyor. Galiba sadece biraz yoruldum, diyeceklerim bu kadar.
Here’s the most recent episode of my show on Twitch, The Temisan Adoki Experience. You can catch it every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday from 8pm to 10pm MT (10 to 12 EST) on Twitch.tv/temisanadoki
Tracklist
Mateo & Matos - Taste Of Funk
Notorious B.I.G. - Juicy (Acapella)
EBE - Drifting
Drain Pipe - Untitled
Exos - Maya
Dublicator - Anonym Vectors
David K. feat Opium - Lost In Bangkok
Brian Harden - 2:00
Organic Ensemble - Rifts'n'spliffs
Dished Out Bums - A Glass Of Chianti
Flord King - Dapper
Fish Go Deep - Work True
Donnacha Costello - Blue B
Enzo Siragusa, Archie Hamilton & Subb-an - Shimmering
Hm. I’m not very familiar with the materials on your f/o list, but I feel like Sean might have your vibes (if not I apologise!)
He’s Nick’s police captain, and is a zauberbiest and a royal (meaning he has a lot of power, and partial magical powers/affinity for potions.) He has strict values, and cares a lot about the people who work for him. Definitely don’t cross him.
OR
Eve!
(Who I can’t really describe since she’s technically only in the last 2 seasons of the show.)