#4x9 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aperrywilliams · 1 year

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Don't Go to See Her (Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader)

(Not my gif. Credits to the creator!)

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Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader

Summary: After the team saved Austin, the signs point that she and Spencer are romantically involved. Reader is not amused by the idea. Are her suspicions correct?

Word Count: 5.2k

Warnings: Some curse words (maybe more than usual, I don't know). Sleeping together is mentioned but not described. Spoilers for 4x9. If I forgot something, let me know.

A/N: I wrote this one based on this request. Tell me what you think!

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Founding Robert Parker's location wasn't as difficult as we thought. But we needed to be faster: the clock was ticking, and a girl's life was on the line.

Arriving at the house, we split into two groups—Morgan, Hotch, and Reid leading the first one. With Prentiss and Rossi, we stayed behind.

It was odd, though. I know Spencer doesn't like the takedowns that much, but this time he insisted on going with Morgan in the advanced group.

The commotion lasted a few seconds until Morgan assured us he had got Parker and the girl was safe. As Rossi and Prentiss entered the house to check, I saw Spencer with the girl coming out. As expected, she looked shocked but physically fine. I approached to assist them.

The poor thing was shaking and kept muttering, "I called you, I called you," which seemed strange to me, but Spencer only nodded, saying, "I know, you did very good; now you're safe."

That got my attention, but I didn't give it much thought; it could be the adrenaline of the moment affecting the girl, and Reid was just playing along.

We returned to the precinct with the unsub in custody. After Hotch interrogated him getting a full confession, we needed to finish the paperwork before going home. I couldn't help but notice Spencer wasn't there, though. What happened to him? When I saw Morgan, I asked him.

"Maybe he's with his girlfriend," he pointed, chuckling.

Spencer? Girlfriend? What did I miss?

"His what? Who?" I asked, confused.

"The girl we saved. She's a bartender. Did you know Reid charmed her the other night in the club she works? That's why she had his number and called him when she saw the unsub," Morgan recounted.

I was taken aback. I didn't know that. It made sense, though: that's why Spencer was so adamant about going first into the house. How did I not notice sooner?

"Oh. I didn't know," I mumbled.

"Yeah, it seems pretty boy got game," Morgan teased. "Do you need him for something?" He asked.

"No. Not really. Just curious. Uh - thanks, Morgan," I hastened to say before moving quickly to the precinct's kitchen.

I didn't want Derek to see me… freaking out.

Now, why should I?

Well, maybe because I have been developing a massive crush on Spencer in the past years? And maybe thinking of him with another girl was the fear I wasn't ready to face? Not yet, at least.

Okay, I know it sounds selfish, but either way, I can't bring myself to make a move on him. And I think I will never do it. That would mean ruining our friendship, and keeping Spencer as my friend is more important than this stupid crush.

It has to be.

But it didn't help that Hotch sent us to the hotel for the night, and I couldn't see Spencer in the lobby with Morgan or any team member.

He wasn't there.

Once in my room, I tried to calm down and not overthink the situation. What if they only were talking and hanging out? Maybe in a friendly manner. Nothing to worry about, right?

Or a lot to worry about.

The next morning we were all in the jet, ready to fly back home—all but Spencer.

"Where is Reid?" Hotch asked. As a cue, Spencer rushed in, mumbling apologies for being late.

He sat by my side. It wasn't uncommon for Spencer to do that. When I joined the team two years ago, I started sitting by his side. He didn't complain, and even he found in me someone who didn't bother his rambling, quite the opposite: someone who fueled his habit with delight.

What can I say? I have always felt comfortable around Spencer. We are still the youngest team members, and the flights have been more fun with us talking or just reading next to each other.

This time, Morgan and Rossi were in front of us.

"How was your night, Romeo? I didn't hear you when you came back," Morgan teased. Spencer's face flushed red as he briefly looked at me.

Oh, God. My mind ran wild, and I didn't like what I imagined. I turned my face to the window to not return my gaze to him.

"Leave the kid alone," Rossi told Morgan, maybe because he wanted to spare him the mortification of telling details of his night.

His night with the girl I was jealous of right now.

After Rossi's warning, Morgan dropped the topic and stood to get comfortable on the couch so he could sleep. David did the same but took a seat at the back of the plane. I didn't dare to look at Spencer, so I faked being asleep most of the flight. Even so, I could see from the corner of my eye how he was texting someone. From time to time, his gaze shifted to me, but I pretended not to notice.

My heart ached, but it was my fault. I shouldn't have entertained the idea of having Spencer as someone more than a friend.

For the rest of our flight, I kept my eyes closed. And when we landed, I was the first to descend from the jet to run to the car. I could hear Spencer calling my name, but I didn't turn back. I was overwhelmed, and I wanted to be at home.

It wasn't something I did on purpose, but I couldn't help it. In the following days, I paid extra attention to Spencer's behavior. He seemed happy and relaxed. He focused more on his phone during the day, and it was obvious why.

Fuck. I had lost my chance.

Son of the bitch. I bet they were dating now.

Sadness led to anger. But I knew I had no right to be angry, so I changed my attitude to distant and quiet. Spencer noticed my behavior change, and he obviously wanted to know why. So every chance he got, he asked me something, whatever came to his mind. Spencer looked extra attentive to me, worried when I hadn't eaten or drank enough water during a case. Even he brought me coffee almost every morning.

But for every gesture he made, he only got sourness from me.

The times Spencer asked me something, I gave him curt answers. The times he brought me a coffee in the morning, I usually would leave it untouched.

I know it wasn't an acceptable reaction for a grown-up woman, but I got all bitterness and couldn't help it.

"Are you okay?" He asked me in the BAU's kitchen one afternoon. I didn't even look at him.

"Yep," I replied, grabbing a mug to fill it with coffee. Spencer cleared his throat like when he was hesitant about something.

"You seem- I don't know. We haven't talked that much in the past few days; I-" Spencer stuttered. I knew he was trying to get me talking, but I didn't want it. I didn't want anything but go home a cry my eyes out.

"I guess it's because you have been busy," I muttered bitterly. But Spencer didn't hear what I said.

"What?"

"Nothing. Forget it," I said curtly, passing by him to go back to my desk.

Things between us have become even more distant since that. Spencer stopped asking me questions. The usual morning coffee ceased too. I didn't sit by his side in the jet anymore.

Now the text messages began to turn into phone calls. I could see how Spencer laughed over the phone and blushed whenever she probably said something more spicy to him. I hated perceiving all those things.

The worst part is that the team noticed it too, which was evident. For God's sake, I work surrounded by the best profilers in the country. What else could happen?

First, it was Emily who asked me if everything was okay. I lied, saying everything was just fine. Then it was Morgan telling me that he saw Spencer and me acting differently. I lied again, claiming I didn't know what he was talking about.

Even Garcia questioned me one day about my relationship with Reid.

I don't know if they believed what I told them, but at least they didn't keep asking questions.

Fighting against your own feelings is exhausting and useless to a certain extent. As much as I tried to convince myself that it was best for Spencer to have someone that wasn't me, my inner self continued to mourn for what would never be between us.

That may be why I felt like throwing up when I heard Spencer ask Hotch for days off to go on a trip. It was worse when I saw the plane ticket on his desk: a non-stop flight to Atlanta.

That afternoon we were going through some files in the conference room. Nobody else was there. So I couldn't stop my mouth.

"You never take days off," I pointed out.

Spencer's eyes shifted from the files to meet mine, and I could see his frown. At this point, we had weeks without talking about anything but work-related stuff.

"Pardon?" He asked.

I should have relented, but my lips got life on their own. Better said: my thoughts made their way out before I could stop them.

"I saw your flight ticket. You'll go to see your girlfriend?" I asked, trying to sound like it was nothing.

Spencer's face turned red, his lips pressing tightly and jaw clenched.

"Who?" He questioned, narrowing his eyes.

"The girl from Atlanta, Spencer. Who else?" I said, as it was stupid even asking that.

"Austin," he corrected. "Her name is Austin. And no, she's not my girlfriend," he said curtly.

"Whatever," I muttered, shrugging.

Spencer looked pissed. I didn't know why exactly. I thought it was clear we assumed he had a relationship with the Atlanta girl. But I kind of understood his nuisance: I didn't talk to him in a while, and I was doing it now to show my annoyance for something I didn't have the right to.

"So what if I go? Is there a problem? I have plenty of vacation days," Spencer said defensively, crossing his arms over his chest.

"I know that. Since I have known you, you barely took a vacation," I commented. It was the truth. Spencer never takes days off.

It wasn't the important thing, though.

"So what is it (Y/N)? There is an issue for you?"

Spencer's question was the second call for me to let it go, but no.

"Not an issue for me, believe me. I mean, you can do whatever you want with your life," I said in the most deadpan tone possible. That way, I could cover my real feelings.

Spencer's gaze kept on me, barely blinking, waiting for what could come next.

I huffed in annoyance before continuing.

"But how much do you know this woman anyway? How can you be sure she is not playing with your feelings, uh?"

Because, of course, I had to phrase it like I was the concerned friend, not the way it indeed was: as the hurt and jealous girl.

Spencer seemed like he didn't expect what I said.

"What? Is that really what worries you?"

Of course not, genius. But I can't tell you that.

I kept silent, hoping I wouldn't give myself away if I said more words.

"What's wrong with you, people? Now everyone thinks the same fucking thing? First Morgan, then Penelope, and now you. You don't know her!"

Spencer Reid just cursed and yelled? That wasn't good.

I physically took a step back. Maybe I pushed too hard.

"That's because I worry - we worry about you. We don't want you to get hurt," I tried to explain. It was partially true. I would never find a girl who could fulfill all my expectations for Spencer, but even if I tried, I was sure Austin wasn't even at the bottom of the list.

"Get hurt? You don't know what you are talking about!" Spencer shrieked. It was good that the door was closed because, at this point, someone could have heard our argument.

"And you don't know her! What do you think? She surely flirts with a lot of guys! You are another check on her list!" I rebutted, trying to match his tone.

Was I being unfair? Most likely, but I was already on this line of reasoning. I hated myself for it because I should be honest with him. He is my friend, after all.

I was accusing a girl of something without reason, just founded on my bias and compromised judgment.

Spencer scoffed and shook his head.

"Last time I checked, I was a grown-up man (Y/N). I can make my own decisions, you know? And for the record, I could have expected this from anyone but you," he informed sternly. I saw the disappointment written all over his face.

Shit. I fucked it up. I hurt Spencer with my misconstrued speech of 'friend's worry.' It broke my heart to hear him talk that way. I needed to do something to fix it. I closed my eyes and sighed to collect my thoughts. He had the right to be pissed.

"Spencer, I know. I'm sorry. I - I didn't want to sound like you weren't an adult. I have never wanted to hurt or underestimate you. You are my friend," I tried to apologize, softening my voice.

"So why are you so upset? Don't think I didn't notice you've been avoiding me in the past weeks. Did I do something?"

Spencer seemed truly worried about my behavior.

"No, Spencer. You - you did not," I tried to reassure him. Looking at his hurt eyes, I told myself I couldn't lose him for a thing like this. If he feels happy with her, so be it. My role is to support him, not question that. "I - uh. I have been a little out of me recently. But it's not your fault. I guess I'm just a bit stressed after the last cases we had."

Great, keep lying (Y/N). Keep lying.

"It's that so? Are you sure there is not something else?" Spencer asked for confirmation, inspecting my features. What did those eyes mean? Like they were pleading for something that I didn't know.

I nodded regardless. "Yeah. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine," I told him with a tiny smile.

I'll be fine. Those words were mostly for me. However, Spencer believed them because that led to stopping our argument. After we hugged, he promised to have a coffee to talk.

The coffee talk never came, though. I used all my excuses to avoid having a heart-to-heart conversation with Spencer. He tried, but I wasn't ready. Maybe I will never be prepared.

Days passed, and Spencer's trip was around the corner.

That last afternoon, he went to my desk to say goodbye. His flight was booked for the following day.

"I get going now," he announced, fidgeting with his satchel's strap. I stood to give him a tight hug.

"Have a good flight. And - uh - have fun, okay?" I mumbled after parting from our embrace and patting his chest. His lips formed a tiny smile.

"That's is what you want for me? I mean, me to have fun?" He asked shyly. I cocked my head. Was he asking for my blessing to do whatever he was thinking of doing with Austin?

"Spencer Reid. You deserve all the good things in this world. Everything that could make you happy. And if this trip is one of them, then it is what I want," I told him reassuringly.

He looked at me with that beautiful hazel eyes of his. I could have melted right there and then.

After kissing my cheek, he left the bullpen.

I stood there as if the world had just ended. Yeah, it sounds dramatic, but tell that to my poor broken heart.

Next step: rush to the bathroom to cry.

The cold tile didn't even matter. I was sitting on the floor, knees to my chest, arms around my legs. The tears ran freely. That was until I heard a knock on the door.

"(Y/N), are you there?" It was Emily.

Shit, not now, please.

"Can I come in?" She tried again. After a few minutes when I realized Emily didn't leave. I sighed in defeat and barely moved to unlock the door so she could get in.

"Hey! Are you okay?" Emily asked. Not a very assertive question. My answer could have done better.

"Ye - yeah," I sniffled, whipping my tears with the back of my hand.

"Uh - sorry, but you don't look like you are," Emily pointed. "If I have to guess, I would say something to do with Reid," she ventured.

"No. It's not like that. I mean -" I trailed off.

How could I ever explain this? Emily sat on the floor, too, by my side.

"This is about his trip to Atlanta?" I hid my head between my legs but nodded nevertheless.

"Do you think they got romantically involved, and that's why he is flying there?"

"I don't know Em. And I wish I could stop thinking about that," I muffled my words between my arms. Emily rubbed my shoulder to comfort me.

"You really like him, uh?" I tilted my head up, an embarrassed look adorning my face.

"Me? What?" Emily chuckled.

"Come on. Everybody knows (Y/N), minus Reid. Which is very unbelievable, but it's Reid. You like him. And it can be an understatement because, at this point, I would say it's more than that," she stated, now crisscrossing her legs and gazing at me for confirmation. I darted my eyes to the floor in resignation.

"Fuck. Is that obvious?" I mumbled.

"Yep," Emily pointed. "That obvious, indeed."

"But Emily. I can't. He's my friend. And I can't lose him."

That was my biggest fear, even if now I felt like I was drowning because of unrequited love.

"So you prefer to lie to him? Pretend it doesn't hurt and play the good friend card? That's not healthy. And you'll end up losing him anyway. Spencer would appreciate it if you were honest with him, and you deserve to be honest with yourself, too. He may not feel the same way, but at least you won't be hiding from your feelings. And if he's not the man for you, then you can move on without the 'what if' plaguing your mind."

I listened to her words in silence, and somehow they made all the sense in the world to me. It was just that even so, pushing myself to do something about it would be a bigger leap.

"Are you sure you didn't work as a therapist in some of your Interpol assignments?" I asked, frowning. Emily laughed.

"None of that. But I know you, and I also know Reid. Your bond, guys? It is stronger than a simple friendship. You both deserve the truth, believe me."

Maybe Emily was right. It was worse to pretend that nothing was happening. But I knew this would end up burying our friendship with Spencer.

My soul ached, but my heart was breaking from keeping my feelings to myself.

Sitting on my couch and watching TV did not help shut down my thoughts. What if I can never get over him?

Fuck it. Emily is right. He has to know.

I took my car keys and drove to his apartment. If I thought about it too much, I would surely regret it, so I just drove. It was already night, and the empty streets gave me the reassurance I needed.

Descending from my car, I noticed that my hands were sweating profusely. My head was pounding, forcing me to close my eyes to relieve some tension. I took the stairs almost on autopilot.

Now I was standing in front of his door without a clear idea of what to say—also feeling the certainty that I would be rejected.

I knocked on the door three times and waited. My mind raced to all possible scenarios.

'Calm down. You can do it.'

Spencer opened the door and saw me standing there. He seemed confused.

"(Y/N)? What's wrong? Are you okay?"

He was already in his sleeping outfit. What time is it, anyway? I didn't even check my watch when I decided to come.

"Hi. Uh - sorry, I came here all of a sudden. I-"

I felt like I was going to faint at any moment. I must have looked pale because Spencer's eyes morphed from curiosity to concern.

"Hey, come in. You don't look okay. Come to sit down and tell me what's going on," he offered.

Grabbing my hand gently, he led me to his couch and made me sit.

"Do you want me to bring you a glass of water? I can find you something to eat-" I didn't let him finish.

"Don't go to see her," I blurted out. I didn't plan to say it like this. Not at all.

Spencer's frown deepened.

"What?"

"Don't go to see her before I can tell you what I have to say," I rephrased, my eyes filling with tears.

My lack of explanation led Spencer to think about what had started our argument days before.

"(Y/N), I don't understand. I thought you were okay with it. Are you going to say again that Austin is trying to take advantage of me?" He asked defensively. I shook my head, biting my lower lip.

I can't lie to him anymore. I need to tell him the truth.

"So, what is it?"

"I'm sorry. I know this will sound selfish, but I can't keep this to myself anymore-" I babbled between sobs. Spencer tried to follow my words, but I was a mess in front of him. He sat by my side on the couch, his hands on my shoulder to help me to focus.

"Hey, easy. (Y/N), you need to breathe," he instructed. I just did that. I was freaking out without explaining a word yet.

Once I felt my breathing steady, I dared to look at Spencer.

"Okay. I'll start again," I announced. Spencer nodded. "You see, I thought I would never say this to you, but I need to," I chuckled bitterly. "I - I'm not opposed to the idea of you with Austin because I'm judging her without knowing her, which is what you're thinking I'm doing. I - I'm opposed to the idea because I would have liked to be her."

Spencer's eyes widened. Did he get the message?

"What?"

"I know. It's crazy and lacks rationalism, but I have felt this for a long time. I'm so sorry I'm telling you this now. It's unfair to you. You and Austin are dating now, and I came here to say these things. I'm so sorry, Spencer."

"Wait. Are you saying you… like me?" He hesitatingly asked as if he was afraid of misunderstanding my words.

"Like you? God, I think I love you at this point," I chuckled bitterly. "I know I should have done something earlier, and now it's late, but I was afraid of losing you because of this. I was ready to be buried with this secret if that meant having you close. And I-" Spencer gently rested his hand over mine to stop my rant.

"What changed? Why are you telling me this now?" He asked, looking at me intensively. I wish I knew what he was thinking.

"I - I don't want our friendship standing over a lie. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to me. Even if you don't want to talk to me again, I would have to live with that," I concluded, averting my gaze.

"Hey," he said softly, with his fingers on my chin, tilting my head to return my look to him. "Why I wouldn't talk to you again?"

"Because I ruined our friendship? I mean, I have been a total bitch with you in the past weeks, and now you are in a relationship with Austin. I-" Spencer didn't let me finish this time.

"Stop saying that. I'm not in any relationship with anyone. Where you got that?" He asked.

What? Wasn't it obvious?

"I - uh. That's why you're flying to Atlanta. Right? Well, maybe you two are not official yet, but there is something between you both," I concluded.

Spencer chuckled, shooking his head.

Wait, what? Why was Spencer chuckling?

"There is nothing between us. I mean, romantically speaking. We get along pretty well; we are friends. That's all."

I looked at him suspiciously. Spencer grabbed my hand and kept talking.

"Believe me. Nothing had happened and never will happen between us. And do you know why? Because I'm already in love with my best friend."

I wonder if I fully registered what he was saying. Was he in love with someone else? With his best friend? Wasn't me his best friend? Oh. Oh!

"You-?"

"Yes,” he nodded. “And not in my wildest dreams did I think you could feel anything close to that for me.”

"How come you never told me anything?" I asked, still in shock.

"I guess I can ask the same thing," he sneered. I chuckled.

"But how? I mean, are you serious? Not because I just confessed my love for you?" I questioned, suddenly feeling anxious that Spencer only felt sorry for me.

"Can I give you proof that I'm serious?" He asked me almost in a whisper, subtly flicking his gaze between my eyes and lips.

I might pass myself out at that point. But I was not going to let this moment go away, which already seemed like a dream. I barely nodded, looking at him expectantly.

He scooted closer to me on the sofa, slowly bringing his hands to each of my cheeks to cup them. Without breaking eye contact, he whispered, "I love you (Y/N). I have been in love with you for a long time.”

"I love you too, Spencer,” I said back. Spencer smiled and leaned to kiss my lips.

The kiss started with us just brushing our lips tentatively. Then it was more determined but soft and sweet, one of his hands behind my head, the other cupping my jaw. My arms around his neck.

Fucking shit, I was kissing Spencer. A kiss that took years in the making.

His lips were warm and plump. A bit chapped, but I didn't care. I would have stayed like this forever, kissing him until my own lips went numb.

Before the kiss turned more heated, we parted—a grin plastered on our faces. But suddenly, my mind brought me to reality.

"Wait. Then what about Austin?" I asked.

It couldn't be that I had imagined everything I'd seen in these last few weeks, right?

"What do you mean?" Spencer questioned, softly stroking my cheek.

"You both-? I mean, the calls? The night you spent together? This trip? Are you sure you didn't-" I trailed off. Spencer giggled, a redness covering his features. After clearing his throat, he spoke.

"Would you believe me if I told you everything you just mentioned has to do with you?"

"Whit me? I don't understand." Spencer nodded, bringing my hand to his lips to kiss my knuckles.

"You'll see. When we arrested Parker, you helped me to lead Austin to the ambulance. Once there, she was calmer and began asking me questions about work, what would happen to Parker, and other stuff. I tried to explain a bit, and that's when you came over to let me know that we were going back to the station. When you turned to the car, I stared at you for a second—enough for her to notice. ‘Uh-oh. FBI Reid has a crush,’ she told me. I don’t know how she knew, but she knew. It’s funny because I have denied that fact for years, but I couldn’t lie to her. So I tell her everything,” Spencer shrugged.

“You told a stranger you loved me?” I asked in shock.

“Sort of? That night, I spent hours with her in the same bar. But mostly, it was me, after drinking several scotches, talking about how wonderful you were and that I didn’t know what to do, that you were my friend, and I was conflicted. She gave me advice, you know? That I needed to do something. To show you I cared. The texts? They were to track my progress with you and give me more ideas to get to you.”

“The gestures. The coffee in the mornings. The snacks. You asking me about anything that could happen to me,” I recounted. Spencer nodded.

That started to make sense now.

“But you seemed upset. You barely talked to me. So I was sad and lost. I already trusted Austin with this. I couldn’t go to JJ or Emily. It was complicated. I couldn’t go to you for obvious reasons.”

“So the trip is-“

“A chance to clear my head and get used to the idea that nothing would happen between us. I was positive when you told me you wanted me to be happy. I understood that doesn’t include being with you romantically,” Spencer admitted, pouting.

“Oh, my God. Spencer. We both were so so wrong. What kind of profilers are we? I was sure you both were dating. I was sure you slept with her that night. I’m so embarrassed now,” I shrieked.

“And I thought you were worried because you didn’t want your dork friend to be tricked by a girl. Because you cared about me, but just like a friend,” he said, shoulders slumped.

This time I grabbed his hands in mine.

“I wasn’t honest with you about my feelings. But I’m not going to make the same mistake again. I promise,” I leaned in to kiss him. Spencer reciprocated right away.

“Me neither,” he whispered, pecking my lips again. “So I guess now I don’t have a flight to catch tomorrow,” Spencer pointed as he wrapped his arms around me. I looked at him.

“Why do you say that?” I asked casually. Spencer raised an eyebrow.

“Weren't you the one who came saying not to go?” I chuckled.

“I said, ‘don’t go to see her.’ But a short vacation trip to Atlanta doesn't sound like a bad idea, only if that includes me,” I suggested cockily. Spencer laughed.

“Oh yeah? And how would we make that work?”

“I have many vacation days, you know? Hotch wouldn’t say no to me,” I winked at Spencer. He looked at me mischievously.

“If that is so, then I have many plans for you on this trip,” Spencer said, leaning in to give me a passionate kiss that left me breathless and seeing stars.

After all, things were not as they seemed to be. Spencer wasn't in a relationship with the girl from Atlanta, my love wasn't unrequited, and Spencer was just as overwhelmed by his feelings as I was. Someone would say, ‘they are made for each other.’ What can I say? I totally agree with that statement.

Oh! and another important thing I need to remember: once in Atlanta, I have to visit Austin to tell her I don't hate her and that I’m kind of grateful she crossed paths with us.

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