Ep. 13: “I Need To Make Moves Here And This Is A Big One” - Mikey

JENNET

guilt tripping everybody that voted out sammy bc that was such a weird move and shows how weak everyone really is. idk it made 0 difference to me, i honestly could care less about this round. if i get immunity, mikey is playing the idol on himself if he gets immunity im getting the idol so it really does not matter

JESSICA

Woo the plan worked and Sammy is gone! He seemed sad because he said he wanted to stick with me but his actions didn't really align with that. My goal is still to get Jennet and Jones out. I feel bad because Jennet is now in a position where they’ve been targeted every round of merge and a lot of that is for little to no reason. I don't really know why Lovelis tried to vote for them, or why their name came up when Daisy left, and the round Sam went home I only said their name to try and protect Lindsay. And last round their name was a decoy.... but still! They have been through a lot and I feel bad. But unfortunately because of this, they are definitely winning if they make the end. They haven’t betrayed a lot of the jury, they now have this great underdog story if they make it, and their whole game is about loyalty and honesty and all that stuff betrayed jurors jut love to vote for. Which I will say.......... it's easy to be loyal and honest when you don't align or overly strategize with half the team. It also leaves you super vulnerable to being a target sooooo I feel bad but I also feel like that's the reality of blocking yourself off to so many people. Since Sam is sadly gone, my new ideal final 5 is Lindsay, Shane, Mikey, and Jake. That will get awkward because I feel like it'll fall into 2 vs 2 and they'll all expect me to stick with them. That would be the downside to my strategy of "align with everyone and make everyone feel like you're their option" buuuut I think I'm saved by the fact that asides Jennet, I feel I can beat everyone left at the end. I don't think it's a guarantee; I'll definitely have to do a good FTC. But Shane and Lindsay have really bad social games -- Shane fights with everyone and betrays close allies for no reason and Lindsay apparently doesn't even talk to half the people left. Yesterday, Jake and Mikey both said they thought Shane would win at the end because "he's made so many moves!!!" which is ummmm not very feminist because I think everyone credits him with doing a lot more in the Daisy vote than he actually did. I feel very much like the Natalie White of this season because my relationships are really what is holding everything together. I just have to be careful that people don't see me as keeping Shane around when he's an obvious threat because that could definitely damage my chances of winning. However.... there is something that could upset that f5 and that is if this round, Jones/Mikey/Jake/Jennet all want to vote out Shane or Lindsay (again). I'm not actually that opposed to this happening because it would be very useful for me to have a close ally on jury to tell them what I did. It would also mean I don't really have to "decide" who to pick at f5 but I would still be relatively protected. However I also worry that if Jennet gets through even one more round, Mikey, Jones, and maybe even Jake will just refuse to vote them out like they did before. Mikey admitted to me he knows Jennet will win at the end but if he feels like he has no shot, he might just keep them around because they're close and that is not a great sign for me! I guess we'll see what happens with immunity. Also go me for being the last person left with no votes against them :~)

JENNET

something about a white man yelling over me last night when it was my turn to speak doesnt sit right with me... i dont want to make it a race thing or a “gender” thing but .... idk its kinda taken me out of the game i dont even feel like campaigning to stay tbh...

(a little later)

soon as shane won immunity here go jessica pming me saying she hates that he won... pls that is ur ally u love the fact that he won... just admit it tired of these people playing in my face but i dont wanna play into that role that i know i fall into fairly quick

(after taking a beach stroll)

this may be my last week i fear 🕴🏾

(after taking the camera and running into the woods)

jess must think im a fool every round she “leaks” info to me and then she does the complete opposite of what she says she will. im sorry its pathetic at least this round she told me shes voting me pero its like now shes asking me if i have any alternatives that i can convince her into doing and im like... girl its one of my allies and like 5 of urs left dont play me like im some dummy .... so that u can tell them im pushing for them and give more reason for them to want me out? she not getting my jury vote for sure

SHANE

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1-4Q_LE3wnSM_Pi3HAmSvuoCVrNzX_dTn

LINDSAY

jennet is the target. if they have an idol i will probably go home. i have crippling anxiety 🤩 im sorry thisbis so short there's not much to report on. there was a miscommunication between everyone that mikey caused but nothing rly came of it. im just you know how sometimes when youre abt to fall bur you catch yourself your stomach does thise little flips? thats me for the past hour. i have a bad feeling abt this, but i also have crippling anxiety so shocker

JESSICA

me yesterday: If Lindsay or Shane got 7th, I wouldn't be sad! me now: ummmmmmmmm no stop being silly Anyways we are all voting Jennet as of right now. I told Mikey that we were splitting votes on him and Jennet potentially (so that I could get Mikey to vote Jennet, meaning Shane or Lindsay could throw 1 vote on Mikey in the event of an idol) but then Mikey went and told everyone I said that??? Which was a weird move, I don't know if he was hoping it would blow up on me but I just admitted to everyone what my strategy was. Now it seems like they just don't trust Mikey. Which is useful for next round, if I can make it there. I also told Shane and Jake that Mikey asked me if they were threats and I'd said yes. I told Shane and Jake this so that in the event Mikey went to them, they'd already have a heads up and wouldn't be suspicious (because Mikey leaks almost everything and I felt like that would definitely happen). I also accidentally implied to Jake that Shane was targeting him?? Not really sure how that happened but there was this weird temporary blowup where Jake went to Mikey and Shane and said he heard they were saying his name. Obviously I was NOT excited for this because I was worried it would come back against me instantly so I tried to smooth things over with Shane and Jake + told Mikey it's not cute to leak info! I'm hoping that the three of them are pointing their daggers at each other and haven't turned on me but it was definitely scary for a minute. I also told Mikey Shane originally wanted Jake to go when Daisy left AND that I thought Shane/Lindsay would vote Jake out next. I can explain both of these away pretty easily to Jake (1. That vote was a long time ago and he only wanted to do it because Jake was saying Lindsay and 2. I was just saying they'd vote him out next to make Mikey comfortable) but he isn't online to give me the chance to do it and I don't want to bombard him with messages. But here's where I am 2 hours before we vote...... I'm ultra paranoid Jennet has an idol. And she knows she's going tonight. Everyone was like "don't tell her she's leaving!" and I was like???? She knows?? I'm not wasting her time pretending like I'm not considering voting for her. So now....... should me, Shane, Lindsay just vote out Mikey (or Jake?) instead? I'm hesitant to bring this plan up to anyone for a few reasons: - None of these people can keep a damn secret!! - If we flip and Mikey does vote Jennet (and there's no idol), it will be 3-3-1. Really not liking that - I don't thiiiiink Jennet would idol me out if they were to idol anyone. I'm afraid to bet on this too heavily but I really, reaaaaally hope because I'm being honest with them this round, they would see me as someone who would maybe work with them at f6/f5 (as opposed to Jake, who has lied to them and Jones who flipped last round, and Lindsay who she says she wants out). I originally!!! Thought that Mikey would never vote for me but I'm honestly not sure after today - Jake is completely MIA today, same with Jones. Jake SHOULD trust me since I've warned him whenever I've heard his name but I'm worried after the shenanigans of earlier + him not responding that he's now sketched out by me - I don't want Jennet in the f6 (sorry Jennet!) because I think if we lie to the others about who we vote, they are more likely to go to rocks for them if we vote them next time. Like right now, Mikey is not going to a rock for Jake (or vice versa) but I think both would do it for Jennet if they felt they were their only path to the end. If people go to rocks for Jennet like we might as well all pack it in now and let them win because that just shows!! How good their relationships are. The reason I'd want to switch the plan is because if Jennet has an idol,  they are absolutely playing it tonight. If they don’t have it, they don’t have it, but that means Jake or Mikey could. So like.... why not do a fake out and have a higher chance of getting the merge idol out of here? Plus if Jennet doesn't play it tonight, we can vote them tomorrow with much more ease. I'm worried people are too aware that I'm really moving things behind the scenes and are going to come for me this round. Here's where I'm hoping my strategy of be everyone's BFF / an option for everyone will help me out -- Lindsay is a bigger threat than me and has done a lot less of that work so in the event Jake and Jones DO decide to turn..... I think they'd vote for her over me. But that's not really ideal because going into a F6 with only 2/3 of my end game trio is not the look! Despite what I delusion-ly thought yesterday!

JONES

fukjlkjdsflakjsdalfskdfja i have a rlly bad gut feeling i'm going home bc its like ,, , too quiet and too straight forward, i think jessica should be going this round ? either she'll be idoled out or voted out 4-3 ya feel,, i'm just ,, my stomach hurts i need jessica to get voted out she's like ,, my only competitor in terms of gameplay style >? ya feel ? i'm not excited for whatever happens after tribal,, so maybe i throw up, maybe i get voted out , either way i'm free

JAKE

Yeah so that last move was a mistake lmaooo I thought Mikey and Jennet were tighter with Sammy than they actually were 😬 so now I’m just trying to regroup from that. Seems like Jennet is the target but I feel terrible voting her out so I’m sort of at a loss. I also don’t want Mikey to be left out again so just trying to figure out what’s best for me eek 🥺

MIKEY

OK SO. Me Jake and Jennet are voting jessica, jones is voting jennet and Im gonna play my idol on jennet. I need to make moves here and this is a big one. Sorry JESSICA!

nawar lover no.1 aka user shwhyuk uwu

bloodorangeki said: the lady formerly known as hyuccwoo, shreknu if u will,

send me a tumblr url and ill tell you what i think of them!

hhhhhh ok before i eben launch into this full love essay. i jst wanna say tht u truly are the light at the end of my tunnel sejung,,,,u make me so happy !!! Like i remember when i was losing my mind off of like three sips of pineapple cider and i legitimately felt like i was gonna throw up but then i was like … damn i can’t forget to text shannon and tell her about all this. and then i talked to u for a full hour or so while u called me a liddle babie nd i continuously whined…either way you truly have me under your spell you demon!!

okay so not to be. dramatic but youre so dreamy and pretty you remind me of rain and soft kisses on the cheeks and rose gardens and bouquets of flowers and soft sunlight on flower meadows and like! that feeling you get in your cheeks when you smile too much for too long and you get that permanent blush across your face! god that’s probabaly nonsense and not very cohesive but you have the same sort of colors…soft orange and light pink….you’re like a sunset on the beach right at the start of spring when theres barely anyone on the shore and the whole world feels really big and wide but even though youre all alone you don’t feel lonely because it still feels like the whole world(you) is poised right at the edge of your fingertips.

hhhh that also probably made very little sense but i dont care i love you so much and im very bad at expressing emotion (blame my virgo moon who hasn’t felt any feelings in over 18 years) but i still feel like always showering u in that sweet love and affection, despite the fact that im horrible with words and i have absolutely no consistency. I feel like it’s really rare to meet someone who literally changes your entire perception of the world but … damn here we are!! tlkaing to u is literally a part of my daily life its a part of who i am at this point :/

Anyways, friendships don’t really come naturally to me because I have a very weird perosnality where like. im simultaneously suffocating whilst also being very detached and it turns people off so quickly but..god we mesh so well i truly love you so much. i also tend to not write a lot whenever i make these posts bc im the kind of person who continously says how much i love you throughtout the convo (even thoguh ill ghost most ppl for a few days) so whenever i get around to writing these im like :// but what else do i say :// but this time!!! oooo i have so much to say i can never go into full loving hours with you bc you always turn things around and get me to start talking abotu myself and pretty soon we start talking about how i used to raise rocks as a kid instead of talking about how hot you are :/

so anyways firstly . those were just the intro pragaraphs im finally getting into my loving sejung essay :(( helloooo one of my favortie things about talking to you is how easily the conversation always flows ….us talking about shownus asshole and the questionable consumption of expired jello and orbeez at 3 am is most likely the more demonic things weve done while simultaenously being the more tame things…my head still aches when i remember that giagntic bruise i got from looking at that wonho+tentacles/changkyun+black hole sketch u made… god we somehow always go from topic to topic with absolutely no regard for cohesiveness and yet neither of us ever question it…we’ll spend hours discussing absolutely nothing …like that one night we stayed up for like three hours on rabbit talking about all the different mx stans and which member has the most stans internationally versus domestically and why….icons of developing complex sociocultural theories at 2am while occasionally mentioning “oh wow its late u should go to bed >:/” god its just that I always lose track of time whenever I talk to you…its like im so focused on that I Love Her mood that I don’t even realize its been 4 hours until I look down at my pile of unfinished homework and then back up at my laptop like. This was a Valid choice why would I pick ib math when I have a whole entire sejung talking to me. hhhh its just that talking to you comes so naturally and I always tell you all these quesiotnable things to which you always respond by first calling me a demon and then laughing about it and encouraging my stupidity. it’s also so so endearing that ill tell you about the dumb shit im doing and your first response is always to nag at me to be safe and take care of myself as if ill actually listen to you and clean a cut with alcohol, risking legitimate Pain… anyways sejung? queen of making me feel loved and noticed? MORE LIKELY THAN U THINK!!!!

hhhhh ok moving on now I get to talk about how. sexy u are damn….i remember back when we were first starting to talk and you sent me those pictures of yourself in that button up and I literally. I quite literally almost passed out in the starbucks while the barista was handing me my strawberry lemonade I truly almost lost it…nd right before that I was encouraging you to talk to the boba girl nd flirt nd be all spicie…but then u sent me those pics nd I was like for what reason would she have to impress boba girl when im right here … mouth open so wide in love that all the bobas are spilling out of my mouth :( not to be dramatic yet again when I know ive mentioned those selfies before but damn…those were so hot u unbuttoned like two or three of the top buttons and u looked so hot truly. raw me vore me behind each and every single boba store location hewwwooo u look so intense nd powerful im truly putty in ur hands not only would I lose my mind for u, I have already lost it

hhhhh im very much rambling and making very little sense rn bc its. 2:30 am and im sleebie nd I blocked all social media sites so id do homework bt I kept thiknning abt u so I was like hm the universe clearly wants me to write about sejung more even though ill have to post this in the morning bc tungle is blocked until then :// bt anaywas that also means I get to go into all the other thigns I love about u and all the things u remind me of :(( hhhh its so wild that I never actually aunch into full loving shannon mood bt I talk abt u so much w my friends theyre all. suspicious ,,,,

them: nawar u don’t actually like romance and u hate talking about people r u perhaps dating this girl??me, w hearts in my eyes laughing at smth ure saying on my phone: what

HHHH DJHFKSJDHF TAHST TRULY ME,,,,ALWAYS THIKNING ABT U,,,ALWAYS BEING BIG HEART EYES FR U,,,at any given moment I could be reminded of u :( I see a piece of paper nd im like huh I should do work then again is work necessary to live perhaps not but sejung is necessary to live,,,,me thinking abt u as I procrastinate every single thing ive ever had to do :D Like, ive never understood when people say that they hated a zodiac sign at one point, and then they met one person and they were like oh my god nevermind this sign is perfect but truly,,,I love geminis now ,,,I used to hate them almost as much as cancer nd now? geminis are all good ure so wonderful nd loving nd sweet u being a gemini saved geminis collectively,,

ill also neber stop talking abt how now matter how much I whine and demand attention, youre always jst,,,supplying it without any question like at one point people usually get annoyed, no matter how endeared they were by it at first, bt youre always calling me a baby (even though im older) nd giving me that sweet Love and Attention,,mmmmm my libra sun thrives under ur care :( hhhh also I feel it is important to point out I love. all of u,,,,like I don’t even usually care much for peoples voices or anything unless its like so deep it sounds like the grim reaper bc that’s wild u ,,bt anyways the first moment I heard ur voice I was. breathless I was so shocked like ur voice is so soothing nd warm its like. if the aesthetic of sunlight and honey and warm pies had a voice,,,hhhh im also not the type to really believe in things like fate nd destiny and soulmates and stuff bt that’s kind of what u remind me of ? in a? not weird way hhhhh so I feel like youre just so naturally in tune with people like nothing really catches you off guard and you roll with peoples different personalities and quirks and you always jst. mesh so well with everyone ure like the minhyuk of the internet,,,,nd like!! theres smth abt u that reminds me of balance and maybe its my libra sun always seeking peace and harmony in life but I always feel so relaxed nd steady whenever I talk to you its like . idk how to explain it!!! its jst so comforting!!!

I was originally gonna cut myself off at 1k but its too late for that now and im gonna put this under a read more anyways and its 3am now so I feel like. go Big or go Home!!! now im gonna launch into a long analysis of u! and ur smile!! first of all,,,its so rare nd wild to find someone who likes validating people more than being validated,,,,u finding my libra antics cute???hhhhh tahts so wild,,,,I could pout for hours nd u would call it cute,,,validating!!! nd the fact that you’ve read my writing,,,,excerpts from my demonic wips and youre stil friends with me?? you still talk to me?? damn that’s like. never to be expected any time I make someone read that tangerine fic they ghost me for a good month but I sent you pieces of that tentacle fic and YOU FUCKCING SKETCHED OUT THE LOOK,,,,,MY MUSE,,,nd also you tend to always steer the convo around to focus on the other person n dim a FOOL who almost falls for it every time,,,before I remember and make u tell me thigns…god ive told you so many obscure things from my childhood like that time I tried to eat a brick and yet you still,,,,talk to me,,,,who are u,,,,hhhh ure always so cute nd giving nd caring I feel like I could genuinely truly look like shit nd send u a selfie nd you would still be like WOW GORGEOEUS YOU LOOK SO GOOD THAT’S HOT!!! u,,,going out of ur way to make ppl happy :( anyways im a fool in love w u ,,,also not to be like. one of those old white boy text posts from tumblr but ,,,,hey girl,,,ladie,,,wamen,,,did u know? ur smile lights up my world? ,,,did u know? theres no such thing as u being anything less than perfect,,,why? because its impossible to be anything less than the essence of who you are. hhhh that’s the dumbest thing im ever written im cutting myself off that was too much this is like. 2k words so far and in all honesty I could continue but then id get gushier than that last line and nobody wants to see That,,,hhhh

this started out with. somewhat decent grammar like I used periods and I think I occasionally capitalized the first letter of the sentence but at this point its incoherent rambling it’s the inside of my brain every time I see u or hear frm u its like when spongebobs brain was on fire and all the cabinets and computers were going up in flames and all the little brain spongebobs were losing their mind that’s me right now losing my mind over you I wrote exactly 2k words in that whole essay,,,,im so fucking valid,,,,ananywas I love you if you couldn’t tell nd iim . somewhat satisfied at being able to vent all this love,,,smoochie,,smoochh,,SMOOCHIIE

110918

the only reason i even like this ugly fkn cunt is because we’re so similar. or at least were, he’s grown a bit more than me so i obviously appreciate his help and experience and knowlege or whatever.

but fuck him in the fucking asshole, not only is he a white man, not only does he get triggered by ”i hate whites/men” and ”ppl listen to u cus ur a white man” and takes it SUPER PERSONALLY and accuse me of fucking attacking him and shit. hes acting like a fucking dick when we’re fighting and the thing is……. HE REFUSES to admit when i say we’re similar in the way we fight??? he’s like ”no, im not” and im like YES BITCH YOU ARE YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A FUCKING CHILD

he’s so fucking aggressive, manipulative, guilt tripping and just…. COLD. i swear what the fuck is wrong with him? i’ve met him 3 times, and we’ve fought 2 times. ive known him for like 2 weeks and we’ve already had 2 major fights??

the only reason im not fucking murdering him on the spot is because 1. im not a fucking idiot. i know my limits. i CANT control him, i CANT manipulate him. i dont have any power over him and 2. i fucking like him?? if i dont apologize he’s going to go on for fucking ever and eternity??? i like him and im actually genuinely sorry that he’s hurt even if he’s a fucking pussy who got triggered over smth as petty

like excuse ME!! the way he fights is REALLY triggering for me??? the first time i was terrified. it was like flashbacks and shit i cried for a whole day and i hadn’t even met him back then. i was SO SCARED and SO SHOCKED. because IT IS I who usually have his position. it is I who usually put people in their places, NOT the other way around. i HATE being scolded, feeling like a worthless little piece of shit

i knew that i should’ve blocked his ass because that can really be SO damaging to me. also there’s a risk im goong to explode as well and we’re just gonna trigger each other and fight to death…. but i didnt because i was too god damn curious of what he had to offer. is it really possible for me to be happy as well? is it really possible for me to heal and grow like him? ERHM well obviously he’s not in his ”complete form” yet, fucking psycho when he get angry, but he’s pretty happy and kind and positive generally

i worried so much about me draining him with my anxiety and issues but he said he wouldnt let me drain him. he said he always put himself first and the he basically would leave if i try to pull anything on him. why the fuck did i even worry about him when he’s trying to manipulate and guilt trip me?? I AM SO PISSED. HE REALLY TRIED TO DO THAT THAT STUPID MOTHERFUCKER.

during our first fight it worked because i was SO SHOCKED, as i said. and i was SCARED. but fuck him in the asshole he really- he really tried to FUCKING DO THAT TO ME

he accuses me of being disrespectful of his limits when he goes fucking bananas, everythings happening so fast i cant even process what just happen, i dont even have the time to apologize cus hes all over and everywhere. and he’s so fucking threatening. he’s like ”if you dont…..” and he doesnt realize what the fuck he’s doing?? i apologize because 1. i hate these fights and 2. i like him i dont want to hurt him but he’s like ”i have nothing to apologize for”

STUPID FUCKING CUNTBAG YOUR UGLY TECHNIQUES ARE WAY OVER MY LIMITS, YOURE DISRESPECTING ME 101919X MORE THAN I EVER DISREPSEXTED U BY CALLING U A WHITE MAN.

(also can we talk abt how this motherfucker understabds that whites and men are privileged but he still doesnt get why reverse oppression isnt a thing and that it is GROUPS that are privileged and NOT individuals??? like he’s that fucking dumb)

that shit actually HURT!!!! i think he’s really immature during fights, i think he’s really fucking pathetic and i’m glad i’ve come to that conclusion rather than beating myself up. yes, i now understand that this is probably what it feels like for the counterpart when im fighting with them and im fuckig sorry that im acting like this psycho

BUT!!!!!! what really HURT was that he HONESTLY TRIED TO MANIPULATE ME. if i hadn’t called his ass out this time he would have gotten away with it AGAIN

bitch, he’s fucking 23 years old. he’s 4 years older than me. he also KNOWS!!!!!! i have a stupid crush on him and he STILL!!!!! TRIED TO GUILT TRIP ME, TRIED TO MAKE ME OBEY AND SUBMIT TO HIM, GET DOWN ON MY KNEES AND BEG

im so pissed and a part of me wish i would just have exploded but i couldnt because it was fucking 1 am and my family was asleep and i couldnt fucking shout at someone over the phone. also it actually made me feel a bit superior and mature when i was all calm and he still was upset (even though he wouldnt admit it, stupid proud brat. his voice changes distinctly). okay YES, i MAY have patronized him a little but also NOT!!! i was just really tired and sad and i still liked him so like….. i was just upset and trying to calm him down

its kind of hilarious how i had to tell him to stop sounding so aggressive and he was like ”im not” and i was like ”yes you are” and so he actually KIND OF stopped and it was easier to talk to him. wow i feel so powerful lmao. omg in really not any better than him am i? i know im not because no matter how much he denies it…….. im literally exactly the same when i fight 😔😔 i tell myself i wasnt like that because i didnt WANT to, because i want to be MATURE but a part of me honestly thinks its just me knowing my place. i like him more than the likes me, he can use that to his advantage, there was no reason or possibility for me to dominate him.

im still very pissed though and just because i like him i still REFUSE to follow him like a little puppy. ive been so worried ALL this time that i wouldnt be able to keep up with him intellectually, that he was too good for me, too smart and too kind. PFFFFFFFT!!! im sorry but i swear i was just idealizing him or smth. its his fucking voice and scent, its like a drug it makes me all calm and dizzy but objectively…. dont fucking let him manipulate you. if he ever makes you feel like yo should apologize and that tou did wrong, ask yourself WHY. an east escape is not the right answer. call him the fuck out. i think and hope he avtually would appreciate it as well……. even though he’s so fucking stubborn and proud OMG HES SO PROUD I CANT, I AM PROUD TOO BUT NOT TO HIM. or maybe a little since i now refuse to fucking message him, maybe a little bit manipulative but no, im still mad, the way he acted lady night was fucked up. why does he have to be so proud with ME???? is it because he doesnt feel as emotionally connected to me as i do? yeah probably

that stupid motherufcker…. when i told him ”instead of threatening me that you’re gonna hung up if i dont ’respect’ aka BEHAVE accordingly…. you could just say ’hey im not comfortable talking right now, i need to hung up’ AND HE WAS LIKE ”but we’re not that close-/but we’re not that emotionally-” or something like that and i was like……. is this dipshit clown really serious?? ”uhhh its more like COMMON SENSE AND RESPECT” and he was like ”yeah maybe…” YEAH MAYBE? NO YOU KNOW IM FUCKING RIGHT

god that piece of shit really thinks he has me wrapped around his finger or something. im attracted to him but what he doesnt understand is that he’s still a plain white man. he had NO IDEA how much im controlling myself by even letting myself fall for a white man. does he really think he can like…. i sont know?? i fucking asked him. because i said ”i dont demand or threaten you” and he was like yeah i know. and i was like woahhh…. wait a second….. ”do you think i dont because i like you? do you think i would just follow you whatever?” and he was like ”im not gonna answer that”

oh my god he really thought didnt he. stupid ass white boy really thought i would choose him over myself or any of my siblings of color. smh poor jack.

im going nuts. okay…. if he EVER pulls something like this again i wont be so sure i’ll be able to handle this on a mature level. the worst thing is though that i HAVE TO. because even when i DO, he’s so fucking ptronizing. like te WHITE MAN just jumped out???? if i were to lose my shit……. ITS SI FRUSTRATING AND ITS EXACTLY WHY I CANT BE WITH A WHITE MAN. i was avtually very fucking calm and he STILL managed to make me feel like i was the ”bad guy”.

ughhhh im fucking insane. this…… whatever the fuck our relationship is cus this boy is apprently only interested in me what the fuck that now even means?? okay so we can like hang out and be physical and cuddle and shit but we’re not a couple and its NOT limited to being exclusively us. apparebtly i should still feel flattered though?? cus he doesnt find anyone attractive and he needs some sort of chemistry??? im sorry boy but i am NOT flattered. you do you, i get it, it takes time for you to fall in love with someone but im obviously still much more emotionally invested. that not your fault. thats my problem. my abandonment and attatchment issues. honestly im so fucked i cant even differ my feelings. my feelings for him are strong but idk what they are. some days i feel like platonic friendship, other days an older brother, a romantic partner and sometimes even a dad/parental figure. like im that fucked up i just need a STRONG BOND i dont care what

i low key hate myself for how i ended the call yesterday. thanks to that, now i cant bring this up again. its too late. the fight is ”over”. i was like ”i still like u bye goodnight sweet dreams” but now im like ”i hate u ugly bitch”.

god my head