#...they were 'masculinizing' features and since i am a man people aren't as willing to 'call it out'... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

the-coping-dragon · 3 months

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As someone who has Trauma about Penises, I don't have any sympathy left for the "well, that genital is traumatic for me" argument that transmisogynists use. I haven't had sympathy for years, since I was 19 and just learning that I wasn't the only queer person in my area and I wasn't alone and that I had a personality hiding under 19 years of trauma.

Penises used to be very triggering for me. I didn't like hearing about them or seeing them depicted or remembering they exist. And when I needed to shelter myself away from them, to heal, I did the best I could to avoid the topic and only approach it on my own terms if I was willing to do so.

And slowly, over time, I healed. I understand genitals can be scary after trauma. Cars can be scary after a car crash. Dogs can be scary if you've had a bad experience with them. It doesn't help if you have assholes in your life who think it's funny to scare you.

I'm pretty neutral/positive about penises now. At first, I got used to medical depictions. Then, plain strap-ons. Then, dating a trans man, I got used to realistic packers. Slowly, my brain stopped associating penises with trauma.

I still have some lingering negative feelings but only about the one that hurt me. It hurts me greatly to put those thoughts in the forefront of my mind, but I do so now because I want to explain my current experience with penises. I've come to see all the others as neutral by default, at worst. I find beauty in them. I find grace. Gentleness. Softness. Tenderness. It is the same way I view palms and necks and folds of fat and heartbeats. If I find sexual joy in them, including with things like roughness or power, it is only with my consent.

They are not that different from hands, or heartbeats. They aren't made for any moral stance. They simply exist as part of us, and we give them meaning with our experiences.

I haven't had sympathy for the transmisogynists using the argument since I learned that they were transmisogynistic. I didn't learn that through a lesson presented to me. I learned they are transmisogynists by pondering their experiences, words, actions, and effects on the world, and how they adjust (or do not adjust) their behavior to coexist with the people around them.

It's worth noting that trans women can be very traumatized by their own body. When I was very uncomfortable with the idea of penises, I noticed that some trans women had the same feeling. They didn't want any reminder of them, either. Sometimes when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I see little facial features that I share with the person who hurt me. It haunts me. It feels like I am trapped in some traumatizing shell that I can never escape.

I noticed that feeling exists in some trans women about their own bodies. It isn't a good feeling. When I got on testosterone, I did so despite my fear that I might see my face change to closer resemble my triggers. Instead, I simply saw *my* face. The shape of my own eyebrows is a comfort because they are mine. The wispy hairs on my chin make me happy because they're mine. I am allowed to exist in this body and enjoy it. He doesn't get to ruin that for me, too.

I experience dysphoria over areas of my body, but not the parts that have changed on testosterone. But, to be trapped in a body where trauma and dysphoria are woven together... That sounds like hell. It sounds like hell to have people make laws saying you aren't allowed to change into someone easier to see in the mirror.

It is hell, for me, to have my rights cut away, the blades cutting closer and closer to my body. I want the right to let my body become more masculine. I find peace in the mirror now.

Trans women deserve the same right to find peace in their reflection, and to distance themselves from the trauma and dysphoria of their form. If a woman feels neutral about her body, but still wants to change it to feel happier, no laws should stop her.

I haven't elaborated on the complicated traumas that trans women experience because I am not a trans woman and do not possess the knowledge needed to elaborate. If you seek some further knowledge, I recommend being aware that trans women can experience trauma the same way cis women can. They are vulnerable to being hurt by someone else in the same way. I also recommend being aware that it is a good thing to be able to love your body. Women deserve to love their body. If a woman loves her body, it's a good thing. If her body is triggering for you, it doesn't mean she should be ashamed.

I have other triggers. Little things like aprons and forests and colors. Other people find joy in these things, and I don't try to stop them. Maybe one day I won't be afraid of aprons, either. Maybe one day I can exist in a group of trees without adrenaline pumping through my veins and making me precisely aware of every potential danger. Maybe one day I can wear an apron, or go on a walk through some woods, and only feel peace.

The universe is meaningless, except for the meaning we give it as individual sentient organisms and as a collective society and as a worldwide ecosystem.

Telling someone "I don't want to date you, because your body is inherently traumatic for me," is a cruel thing to say, even/especially if it's true. It can be traumatic to hear. I've always been very quiet about my own sexuality, for fear of it hurting another. Straight women fear people like me. They don't want me in the bathroom or changing room with them. They fear me the way I fear men, and it breaks my heart to know the world has been cruel to them and taught them fear, and it breaks my heart to know they worry I will hurt them. I turn myself into a golden retriever. I turn myself as soft and harmless and small as I can be. I leave my glasses on, because I need them to see, but in high school, when I was especially afraid of being seen as some sort of demon, I would take them off around any peers who might be hurt if they thought their form was visible to me.

But don't I have a right to exist, too? Where am I allowed to pee? Where am I allowed to try on clothes in the store? Where am I allowed to wash my hands after retying my dirty shoes? As my body changes from testosterone, I find myself asking these questions more and more. Society wasn't designed for people like me, and there isn't a place I belong. People will always argue about where I belong, because they didn't make a place for me. I try to make a place for myself. It's the best I can do. I need somewhere to exist.

There's no way I can know the experience of a trans woman--not comprehesivly, not absolutely. I try to understand, but I don't even need to understand. I am compassionate without understanding, most of the time. But it does help to try.

When I carve a place for myself in society, I carve it wide enough to hold others like me. I carve it wide enough to hold people who struggle in the same manner me, not regarding if they struggle less or more, in frequency or intensity. I hope others can take shelter in the places I make for myself. I hope I managed to carve myself a home, too, that fits all of the ones I love.

#originalpostbycopingdragon

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