#- ''win the lottery'' or ''end capitalism'' <- the latter of which /is/ also a component of my delusions it really is so obvious. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

faust1926 · 2 years

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ok but it’s like. my delusions feel good because they give me a greater sense of purpose in life beyond [insert everything about my real life that’s killing me here]. but they feel bad because they’re often about scary and awful things. they feel good because they give me something to believe in/look forward to. and they feel bad because the more real they seem to me the further away everything else feels. I want them gone cause they mess with my ability to function the way I strive to, but I want them to stay cause without them I’d be functioning even Worse.

#and then every therapist profile I look at is like ''is there something WRONG with you you want GONE so you can be normal again''#(<- and what if you've never been normal/happy/etc. lol?)#or it's like. ''I tailor my approach to EACH individual. that's why I offer talk therapy; art therapy; /and/ spiritual yoga ^_^''#but whatever.#breaking it into pieces like this ^ helps at least #it feels like one of those optical illusions where ur brain fills in the hole in the image #I'm missing out on many many emotional/mental needs. so my brain is filling in the blanks trying to make do #a la ''no stable support structure (from guardians/gov/professionals)? -> actually there's constant support from invisible spirits''#could literally draw these lines for Every detail I've got memorized in here. it's not hard it's not rocket science #literally don't see why I'd need some talk therapist to psychoanalyze me. you don't know me. it's my brain. I know me. and I'm simple #I just need help to fulfill my needs. so maybe the worse parts of this would feel less dire. and there's be less ''curing'' of -#- something that's important to me rn #so I just need to find someone who could actually help me do that. not just talk about how I feel or whatever.#it just makes me feel so awful/guilty that rn I feel my delusions are getting worse. and I feel like I ''should'' be doing something -#- to stop that. but I don't Know what else to do. I am literally too tired to function or think and I don't have any ideas other than -#- ''win the lottery'' or ''end capitalism'' <- the latter of which /is/ also a component of my delusions it really is so obvious.#so like. I just need to find a therapist who will have more ideas or something. I don't know. I have no clue.#I've already tried so many ''solutions''

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