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#*I can give up my life and avoid having to live with the miserable situation i'm in AND keep Artemy from a devastating choice?
mmmthornton · 1 year
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god, there is not enough stakhemy content out there... >:(
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delfiore · 5 months
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—ONE OF YOUR GIRLS.
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pairing: lucy bronze x reader, (alexia putellas x reader)
synopsis: the only reason is simply because you are both heartbroken, lonely, and desperate.
word count: 1.9k
a/n: i gave myself a 1k word limit on this and i failed miserably. literally why is it so hard for me to write a 1k essay for school but not this
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You started to learn Lucy’s routine only a few weeks after she started coming around. Like clockwork, it didn’t matter how late you went to bed, she would always be up before eight. Sometimes, it would be to go downstairs for a swim in the freezing cold outdoor pool in her apartment complex. “Helps me wake up and think clearer”, she would explain. Sometimes, it would just be to sit in the living room with a coffee in hand, watching videos of the team you and her would be playing later in the day. Other times—and it was always a treat when she did—it would be to stay in bed with you, and watch you wake up.
Those were the times in which you felt like what you had with Lucy resembled most like a relationship, due to the sheer amount of domesticity of it. The way she would take time out of the day to lay a few extra minutes with you made it feel concrete like what you were doing was worth the time. But that wasn’t the goal—a relationship.
“I forgot to bring my stuff last night,” you whispered, suddenly remembering the lack of gear you brought over to Lucy’s apartment. You had hastily stuffed the necessities into a crossbody bag when she texted.
“It’s alright. We can drive by later and pick it up on our way to training.”
“We’re gonna arrive together? What if people see?”
Everyone else at Barcelona didn’t know, of course, because you couldn’t even begin to explain what the fuck transpired between you two. It was no relationship, but it was no ordinary friendship either. A special kind of friendship, maybe, but not entirely the kind people would think of if you described it as such . . .
Lucy’s lips pursed, and she contemplated for a moment. After a few seconds, she turned towards the window, the morning sun washed white behind the milky blinds.
“I don’t really care, to be honest,” her chest rose quickly with an exhale. “Why have we got to explain ourselves to people anyway? Kinda tired of it.”
You knew she meant having to deal with the looks her ex would give her. She had been chasing after Keira, trying to make amends for a long time. You knew that, she told you everything.
It made you think about your own situation. You were still very much in love with your own ex, but Alexia has since moved on with a mutual friend, and your conversations were reduced to strictly work nowadays. The way she started treating you after the breakup wasn’t dissimilar to how an older teenager treats her younger, annoying little sibling; with avoidance and an overly sense of self-importance. It made you despise her ten times more than you already did, but you also yearned for her attention, because it was what you have aligned your life with for a while.
But you supposed you had a type—older women with avoidance issues—which was why you were here with Lucy.
“Keira asked me about you the other day,” you said on the car ride to the training ground. You sat in Lucy’s passenger seat. “She was wondering how you were doing. Said you never talk to her anymore.”
Lucy scoffed and turned back to you. “Can we talk about something else?”
“Like what?”
“Like how you actually look so fit in my shirt.”
You let the snort escape your nose but leaned towards her in the passenger seat. “It’s literally a plain black T-shirt, Luce.”
“‘Xactly,” Her cheeks creased with a grin. “Makes me almost want to fancy you.”
“Almost.”
“Almost,” Lucy said.
Almost.
You and Lucy have always had a friendship filled with banter. Heart-to-hearts rarely happened—maybe before and after important matches, or international ones in which one of you had to be the loser—but you appreciated her easygoing nature and how it has shaped your relationship.
If you were a bit closer in age, if you weren’t already with Alexia, and she with Keira at the same time, you reckoned you would have gone for her. You’d always found her attractive.
“You’re too young for me, Y/N,” Lucy had told you once.
“I’m just saying,” you had put your hands up. “If you’re ever desperate enough, I could be like one of your girls.”
Lucy only laughed. Perhaps desperate was the wrong word to use. Lucy Bronze could never get that desperate so as to seek you out for company. No, everything would have to be on her terms.
You agreed with her, though. A nine-year age gap might have been a bit too much, but Lucy wasn’t just like any other 32-year-old.
But you were in love with Alexia. You still were, and your coupling with Lucy might have just been a ploy to piss her off, but your captain didn’t need to know that. Just seeing the not-so-subtle looks she sends your way whenever you are too touchy with Lucy was enough to satiate your grudge.
It seemed the joke wasn’t merely a joke, not to Lucy, because one night, she called you. You had never seen Lucy cry, at least not in person, and she was the type of person to let people see her cry only for her profession, never something in her personal life.
Every joke on your tongue died the moment you saw her blotchy, red face at your front door.
“I didn’t know who else to call.”
Really?
She could have called anyone on the team and they would happily offer her comfort. That was the charisma that Lucy wielded, and you were willing to bet there were other members of the team who were much better than you at comforting someone.
“I think I’m just unlovable.”
You led her inside and offered her a glass of water. I think I’m just unlovable. Her words echoed in your mind as you scrambled to find any words that would be comforting to her at that moment. How do you convince someone that they weren’t their flaws when you yourself struggled with the same insecurities? If Lucy even had those doubts about herself, how could you ever get out of it?
“I think I’m unlovable too.”
You didn’t know whether that was comforting or just rubbing salt in her wound, but Lucy exhaled shakily, for the first time looking at you in a way unlike that of teammates, or even friends.
Unlike a friend would, you lifted your hand and wiped away the tear on her cheek with the pad of your thumb, and unlike a friend would, you leaned in and kissed her slowly.
Kissing Lucy was exhilarating. She was eager and rough, and soft and gentle. It made you almost want to fall in love with her. She was tired, so you climbed on her lap and led the way, and all her burdens faded into oblivion, at least for the night.
When you both arrived at training, only a few of your teammates were there in the locker room, and most of them didn’t seem to notice you coming in together anyway. Pina, though, found you across the room.
“Did you hear?” She said quietly.
“What?”
“Alexia has been with the physios since like 9 this morning.”
“Why? What happened?” You tried not to sound too eager, or worried.
“I don’t know, but I walked past and I think she was crying.”
When you came into the rehab center, a physio greeted you with a smile. You returned it as your eyes quickly found the only person lying down on a bed, hiding her face in the crook of her arm.
“Hey, capitana,” you said in Spanish. “You sleep here last night or something?”
You saw the way her jaw ticked, and looking down, noticed the bandages wrapped around her knee, the ACL one.
“You didn’t happen to bring any coffee in, did you?” She said groggily. “I could use a sip.”
“No coffee, sorry. I’m trying to wean myself off of it.”
“You said that a thousand times before.”
You put your hands in your pockets and leaned against the bed. “What’s wrong?”
She let out a sigh and removed her arm. “They’re making me sit out Saturday’s game. They’re scared I might mess something up.”
You nodded, because you understood exactly why. Another ACL problem would be detrimental to her career in ways that you didn’t want to think about. “It’s better to be sure,” you shrugged.
“I’ve fucked my knee, Y/N,” Alexia said, inhaling shakily. “That’s what it is.”
You couldn’t imagine having to live with the anxiety, tiptoeing around your own knees, afraid it might give out any second again. Even the smallest discomfort could spell trouble, and the slightest movement could trigger the injury to worsen.
You opted not tell Lucy about your conversation with Alexia, because you wanted to keep it to yourself. As useless as that might be, that was the first genuine conversation you’ve had with your ex in about a year. You’ve learned not to take it to heart, though, because you knew you’d disappoint yourself when Alexia eventually goes back to treating you like a kid.
You made a conscious effort not to think about her when you called Lucy over for a hookup, but when she was knuckles-deep inside you, you couldn’t think of anything else but the pleasure.
Laying back and staring at the ceiling, you drew deep breaths as you came down from your high.
“You okay?” Lucy asked.
“Yeah,” you nodded. “Hold me?”
She smiled and gathered you in her arms before kissing you sweetly. “Did something happen with Alexia?”
“No.” Nothing happened, really, but maybe it was because nothing happened that made you so distraught. “Maybe in another universe, where you’re not you and I’m not me, I would take you on a date tomorrow, maybe we’d be happier.”
“Well, why won’t you do it in this universe?”
You shrugged and settled back against her chest. “Because I’m me and you’re you. But mostly, because I am me.”
Lucy didn’t answer. She knew as much as anyone that once you’ve made your mind up, there was no swaying it, and that she didn’t have the energy in her to either. Instead, she leaned down and planted a sweet kiss on your forehead, wishing you’d find it in you somewhere to see yourself the way she sees you.
It would take some time until then, though, as only a few weeks later, she saw you hand-in-hand with Alexia coming to practice. Apparently, Alexia’s girlfriend was no more and you got what you wanted. It was okay, though, because Lucy found comfort in Ona, about to go on a second date with her the next day. You might have almost gotten the love you’d always desired with her, but it was just that, an almost.
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chigirizzz · 9 months
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ONE STEP FORWARD, TWO STEPS BACK — I. SAE
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warnings/tags: angst, hurt/a little bit of comfort, gn! reader, descriptions of physical symptoms of anxiety, ooc sae??, not proofread
summary: love is confusing. a part of you knows sae loved you; another part of you makes you question that. if both parts can't coexist, was your relationship worth fighting for?
wc: 2.3k
notes: this one was difficult to write man. i literally rewrote almost every paragraph dozens of times until i thought this entire thing was worth of being posted. while writing this i was literally biting my own fist out of frustration lmao.
»»——⍟——««
being a professional football player for sure brings a lot of things in your life: fame, money, awards, fans, haters, sponsors, you name it. but one thing that no one ever seems to talk about is the painful feeling inside someone’s entire body when under the extreme pressure—the shortness of breath, the rapid beating of the heart, the big knot on the throat, the tightening of the stomach, the burning sensation in the eyes due to increased blood circulation, and so on.
sae was used to those feelings. it was part of his life as an athlete—it was part of his life ever since he was a young boy, like when he had to get ready to leave his home country to live in another one, practically alone, without his family. for days, young itoshi sae felt in panic, nauseous and was disturbed by severe headaches.
it’s funny how emotions can make you physically sick, right?
of course, anyone can feel like this—it's completely normal and it’s what makes us humans. for a singer, those symptoms of sickness might happen mostly on the stage; for a baker, those nerves might happen mostly when getting ready the perfect wedding cake; for a writer, that anxiety might happen mostly when publishing a book, afraid of what people will think of it and if it will sell well.
for football players, those sensations are, most of the time, absorbed by their bodies and minds the moment they step on the field.
sae falls into this category.
then, at the end of the day, people can still live through situations that make them feel anxious outside of their professions—perhaps they have to get ready for a date; perhaps they got lost and can't find the right path to go home.
sae does not fall into this category. he is a rational man who avoids people and feelings not related to his career. he always knows what to do and what not to do.
but today, today is different. today sae itoshi is in the second category, and he might be stuck in there for a while, who knows.
sitting on the edge of the bed you both share, he inhales deeply as his hands make their way to grab said edges. the soft material of the bedspread under his fingers helped him cool down a little bit. so soft ♡. he exhaled after holding his breath for a few seconds.
he could hear your sobs.
you were sitting on the comfy sofa placed in the small, elegant balcony connected to your shared bedroom. although the curtains were blocking the outside view, the chilly, cold wind of the night would constantly move the brownish pink curtains to give the man the perfect—and heartbroken—sight of your figure in a curled up position, crying, with no sign of stopping so soon.
(brownish pink curtains… you wanted to buy those because it reminded you of sae's hair. of your boyfriend's hair. he could still hear your laugh when you suggested buying those.)
you too were in a psychological and physical distress; you too were in the second category—the difference, however, was that you have been in that same category for a while; meanwhile sae has only entered it today.
sae didn’t like the feeling of his sunken heart, of the big knot on his throat and of the tightening of his stomach’s walls when looking at you so miserable like that. and the worst part? he was the reason you were in that state.
in case you didn't understand yet, my dear reader, itoshi sae broke your heart once again and now your relationship is at a great risk of ending. by saying that sae has officially entered the "second category", we get the idea that said man is now anxious, scared, and physically sick with the thought of losing you—the anxiety that he only felt on the field and never in his personal life? he's feeling it right now.
and it’s only now that he understands how much he disappointed you ever since you two started dating. he remembers it all now: how he didn’t show any interest in your thoughts and hobbies (which is not true, he was just devoid of emotions but it still hurt you), how cold his responses could get, how he never denied that his career was the number one priority, the dry messages he sent you when you were excited, how mean he could be to other people even if you’d tell him how much you hated that attitude of his, how he would just gave you a gift after a fight instead of properly apologizing, how he stood up on you several times on a restaurant, all ready for him to arrive for your date, only to not appear because he preferred to stay late at practice and ended up forgetting the plans you both made…
the true—although not surprising at all—is, the oldest itoshi wasn’t good with feelings; he knew what to do and what not to do during matches, but when it came to human beings, he didn’t have an idea of what he should do or what to say—and let’s be honest, he didn't care about it either. sae did love you, though. the way he looks at you proves it; the marks he would leave on your body during nights so full of lust and romance that would be capable of shedding emotional tears from aphrodite’s eyes proved it; the way he'd roll his eyes and proceed to place soft kisses on your fingers when you complained of the water being too hot after finishing washing the dishes proved it.
the engagement ring he bought for you that is hidden in a safe place where you couldn’t find it proved it.
and now there might not be a day where he could put the ring around your finger and watch you giggle like a teenager in love.
his heart weighs heavier now, almost like it’s getting ready to be swallowed by the black hole formed on his stomach. fuck. he passes his hand through his reddish brown hair, tugging a few strands.
he got out of the bed and made his way to the door of the small balcony. there you were, still in a curled up position. your sobs have stopped already but a sniff or two could be heard.
“talk to me.” the genius didn’t know exactly what his tone was. tiredness? begging? regret? i-don’t-care-at-all-stop-acting-like-this? this man sure was confusing. there was no response, the only thing that could be heard were the sounds of the leaves of the trees moving with the wind, almost mocking, not sae, but you.
the way you rolled your eyes was unknown to him.
“seriously, y/n. head inside so we can talk—”
“fuck you, itoshi, leave me alone.” your intention wasn’t to be mean to him, you didn't think before speaking—it hurt both you and him—, but sometimes harsh words were better in specific times. this is a specific time, you should have shared your thoughts a long time ago. “you wanna talk now? you usually just buy me roses without saying anything.”
“i’m trying to fix things up.”
you turned your head to look at him, a sad smile on your lips. “and i appreciate it, really, but i’m just so fucking tired, sae.” your voice broke on the word “tired”. “and you just want to talk now because i said i was thinking of breaking up with you during our fight earlier? why, sae, why…” more tears were threatening to fall, voice still breaking.
teal colored eyes darkened. you were now looking at the view in front of you. you guys lived in a really peaceful neighborhood with big, expensive houses. the view was nothing special (a few trees, a few parked cars, a park near you), but it wasn't bad either. it's not like the view mattered as long as you lived with the love of your life.
even if said love of your life could sometimes be difficult to put up with.
you remember when you started dating him and met his younger brother, who had the audacity to say with a serious face that you would regret dating your boyfriend. although you now understand the point rin was trying to make, you didn't regret being with sae; you didn't regret anything at all. and if you were to be honest, you wanted to ignore the fight and just spend the night watching a movie or something, but you had to act like a mature adult and find a better solution.
were you, though, being a mature adult by giving that response to sae when he said he wanted to talk? you were genuinely confused.
sighting and while wiping your tears, you patted the uncopied place of the sofa beside you. "ok, let's talk. sit." the man did what you told and you moved away a few centimeters to give him more space. it was… silence. a mix of comfortable and uncomfortable silence.
without looking at you, sae rested his hand on top of yours, causing you to flinch a little by surprise, but paid no mind and let him interlock his fingers with yours, your thumb now caressing his pinky finger.
"what… what do you want to say?"
"were you telling the truth earlier?"
"about me breaking up with you?" a "mhm" was his answer. "yes, i was ." by the corner of your eye you noticed he stared at you after those words. your mind couldn't decipher what his thoughts were. "i don't like being stood up on a date two times in the same month, y'know?"
the man sighted. "i was busy with practice. and i literally warned you at a good time, you just got to the place too early."
you let out a chuckle in an ironic way. "you did warn me, yes, and i wouldn't mind if it was once or twice, but enough is enough, itoshi." it was the second time of the night—scratch that, it was the second time in your entire life that you called him by his surname. even when you were only friends, you would call him by his first name or by cute, silly nicknames. the second time the word itoshi came out of your mouth, it was full of venom; venom that seemed to wrap so tightly around his heart. "i know your career is extremely important to you. i understand that and i want to support you in any way, shape and form, however, things can't keep going like this."
"i see." the reddish brown haired man looked at both your hands still together. you didn't let go of him, you didn't want to and he didn't want it either. “i understand.”
he should say something more. something more profound, more romantic, capable of making you stay, but what can the prodigy do about it? sure, he'd be lying if he said he didn't want you to stay with him, but the decision was yours and he had to take it, whether he liked it or not; whether it’d left him heartbroken or not. besides, he now understands just how much he confused you with his true feelings. you both were tired of the constant kiss and make up.
just how sae could be an egoistic on the field, he could be also one on his private life (just ask literally anybody and they will confirm).
you let go of his fingers to turn your arm so that your palm was facing upwards, in contact with his, and you interlock your fingers again. “it’s not easy for me but… i feel like it’s the best choice.”
you spent a few seconds looking into each other's eyes, until sae leaned his forehead against yours and you did the same, with your eyes closed and enjoying the cold night breeze hitting your bodies, the breeze contrasting with the bittersweet heat formed in your hearts.
“so… is it decided…”
“yes… it is.” you were glad that he respected your decision and that you discussed the matter without further discussion. “i’ll still pack my things today. in the morning i’ll call a friend and ask them to stay at their house for a few days. then i’ll see how it goes.”
“hm.”
he offered to help you pack your bags, but you refused—him helping you would only make you more emotional and rethink your decision. that night, you and your now ex-boyfriend slept on the same bed, back to back.
»»——⍟——««
"hey,” it was now the next morning and you had just gotten ready to leave the house. sae called you before you had a chance to get out the door. “do not hesitate to call me if you need anything.”
a smile formed on your lips. now that you were changing your path in life, it seemed that you just lost a heavy weight on your shoulders. sae didn't like that, but again, he was in no position to make you stay. “ thank you sae, really. the same goes for you, though. and don’t overwork yourself.”
those words and the little chuckle that followed hurt sae like a bitch. you always told him to not work himself till exhaustion, yet he always ignored you…
“well… goodbye, itoshi.” before he’d answer, you stepped out of the door, closing it behind you.
as the sound of the engine of your friend’s car starting up reached his ears, he made his way to the bedroom, to reach out for the engagement ring he bought for you. he layed on the bed, hugging the tiny ring’s box, hot tears running silently down his cheeks to the pillow.
you were gone. you were officially gone.
»»——⍟——««
tagging: @izzylovestnbhd
thank you for reading. likes, reblogs and coments are appreciated ♡
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alreadyblondenow · 2 years
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Can we fix it?
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Johnny x Female reader
Genre: Breakup, Fluff, smut, slight angst
WARNINGS: Unprotected sex which is not advisable in real life situation, mentions of alcohol, drunk Johnny, cursing. Sorry if ever I left anything out.
TMI: This is for the readers who still comes back here and reading my old stories. Honestly I want to write and make time for it again and just like this fic, I want to fix my time hahaha forgive me though. But thank you for your support until now! How are you guys loving ‘2 Baddies’? I bought 6 albums this era, for sure I’ll buy more but I’m saving up to see NCT Dream and WayV next month. So, I think I’ll support 127 more during repack! I hope everyone is loving the album and has been streaming. Let’s give 127 wins huhu also im just uploading this thru phone so it might be jambled :(( sorry
“We need you here asap— he keeps smashing things” Jaehyun spoke through the phone as you hear Johnny at the background trying to get the phone from Jaehyun, shouting your name.
It’s been only weeks since you and Johnny broke up. He didn’t take it too well obviously, and you can’t believe you’re on your way to his place to take care of him. As soon as you arrived at his place, you went to the kitchen to heat something up for Johnny. And soon as you showed yourself to his friends, they were all relieved but Johnny was feeling… guilty, disgusted by himself and honestly all he wanted to do is hug you so tight.
You were purposely not answering every message he sent, not answering his calls, everything. You tried your best to avoid him. So now… you’re like a ghost. It almost felt like the first time he saw you. Your first date. A beautiful night. But now… the night was still beautiful because he finally saw you after the breakup but, he’s so broken right now.
“You can all go— sorry,” Johnny said, trying to get up from his couch while being mindful of the shattered wine glass on the floor. Successfully, you caught Johnny struggling to walk straight heading his room after you see Jaehyun and the other on their way out. You were quick to grab Johnny’s waist and helped him towards his bed.
He’s quiet now.
But he’s looking at your every move.
“We were fine. Why did you leave me like that” he started. Still in his drunken state. He leaned forward and rest his forehead on yours, all you can do is soothe his back and close your eyes.
“Wasn’t I your perfect man? How can you ruin us like that— we were fine” he cried out again. This time theres tears in his eyes and he was whimpering, blaming himself and trying to keep you closer to him even more.
You on the other hand, continue to gently try your best to sober him up. You used to have moments like this back in the past, moments that involves sweet talking, planning what to have for breakfast the next day, or how many rounds can you guys do for tonight’s love making. But now it’s just crying and wishing that you could go back in time.
“I wasn’t okay all the time Johnny, you have to understand that I can’t pull you down with me”
“What are you talking about—“
“You’re too good for me Johnny.
“What does that even mean? You’re the one who’s too good for me”
“No Johnny. Shut up you don’t know—“ you were getting really frustrated.
“No. You shut up. You didn’t even let me have a say in this. You just left me while I was still fighting and longing for us. I get it you’re not perfect, but I don’t need perfect too. I’m not perfect too, but when did I ever pushed you away? When did I ever stopped being a better version of myself?— I thought you love me”
He continued crying and whimpering.
You continued to listen and miss him even though you’re holding him. And you agree, everything he said is true and to be honest you’re already regretting that you left and made your lives miserable. It has been… nothing but dark skies ever since you left him.
Maybe all you need is talk. Talk it out. You never gave him a chance to convince you to stay.
“Fuck it— life continues without you. Fucking leave, that’s where you’re good at”
He pushed you away lightly, careful not to hurt you physically but the heartbreak that you’re feeling right now hurts even more.
As you close the door gently and proceed to cleaning up the mess he did, you remember how beautiful your relationship was with Johnny and you managed to ruin it and burn all the bridges down in a matter of weeks. You went inside again his room to take care of him, putting a clean shirt and managing to clean him up. It’s the least you could do.
What you didn’t expect was soft kisses on your neck from Johnny while you change his clothes. You missed the feeling of his lips. But what will happen to whats left in your relationship if you give in? You certainly didn’t want to be fuck buddies with him if that’s where he’s going. What you have… or what you had, was way more special just to go down this road.
“I need you to stop” you said calmly when you already felt Johnny’s big hand inside your shirt, cupping your boobs. He was humiliated once again, removed his hand before he left a soft kiss on your temple. He’s sorry and he’s already forgiven. Always.
And when the morning comes, regret was the first things that came into Johnny’s head. He was aware of what happened last night. What he said and what he did. But he didn’t expect to see you sleeping uncomfortably on his couch, freezing.
Of course you felt his presence in an instant. You’ve been craving for it. “Sorry I passed out, I was waiting for the sun to come out” You said with a warm smile, hoping that things between you two cooled down from last night.
“Well the sun is out. You can go now” he said coldly. He didn’t know why. He just felt the urge to be cold towards you this morning.
“O-okay. Thank you” you rambled and clumsily gathered your stuff. Heart broken as you help yourself out of his house. You never thought that Johnny would push you away like that… it must’ve hurt him too when you did the same thing to him.
Days went by and you two continue to miss each other.
You wanted to get back together, but you were scared that he will push you away again. And you can’t handle it anymore. Johnny on the other hand, was giving moving on a shot… because he thought this is really what you wanted.
But then again, the alcohol was just like magnet for the both of you. You received yet another emergency call from Jaehyun, telling you to go to this bar because Johnny needs you and has been asking for you non-stop.
“Can I pass this one out?” You asked Jaehyun through the phone.
“I believe no, the manager of the bar is already mad. Please Y/n, just this one time we’ll never bother you again”
Of course you went to the given address and looked for Johnny. There you saw him sleeping soundly outside the said bar and your heart was breaking as you watch him mumble that he’s tired and lost.
“Hi… Johnny, it’s me. I need you to take my arm—“ you said when you finally approached him.
“You’re not supposed to be here. Who called you? Jaehyun? Fuck him. He should know that I’m not your responsibility anymore, leave Y/n” he gently pushed you away. Again. And that’s it. You knew you couldn’t handle experiencing this again.
Of course you stepped back. But you watched him from behind, followed him every step of the way until he reaches his house. He forgot where he put his keys and if he’s totally being honest right now, he’s about to throw up from too much walking. When you decided to take it from there and offered to open his door, he didn’t stopped you because all he wanted to do is run towards his sink. But life had other plans for him because by the time you finally opened the door, he tried running inside but ended up tripping and you were quick to catch him. Making him throw up on your clothes.
You then realized how fucked up he is right now. Johnny is not usually like this. He’s never a handful and he never forgets to handle his own problems.
“This is all because of you” is all he can say.
And that completely broke your heart.
When things cooled down and you finally got the chance to clean yourself up. You were crying while you think over and over again what Johnny said. You told yourself. This it. This is exactly why you broke up with him. One last cry and you will be totally out of his life.
Of course Johnny felt bad while watching you clean yourself while crying. He was having second thoughts about saying he’s sorry but what he said is the ugly truth. Either way he did not hesitate to hand you clean clothes and tried comforting you the best way he could. “I should be the one crying— stay for the night, the bed is yours”
But you couldn’t stand it anymore. You did not look at him while you try and make yourself decent again. You even ignored the clothes he gave you. “I’ll be fine. Good night Johnny” you said weakly and head towards the door.
Frustration hit Johnny again. And this time when you were just about to leave, you wish that he will stop you. Please stop me. You secretly wish, tears running down your cheeks.
And in an instant you felt him hug you from behind. Immediately hugging you oh so tight that you couldn’t breathe but you love the feeling of it. “You can leave tomorrow. Just stay for the night” Johnny said. He knew that by the time he watch you leave again, he will regret not stopping you just like the night you broke up with him.
Given that you cant get away from his tight embrace, you assured him that you wont leave and sleep here at his place. He slowly gave you some space and head towards the bathroom again and handed you the clothes for the second time before he says ‘good night’
Heading towards his room with your heart beating so fast, you changed your clothes, with only his shirt on and your panties. You sat on his bed for hours and hours, thinking about the future. If this is the last night you’re going to be together like this. Apart and broken. Or you can go outside and fix it. Either way, you’re not sleeping.
But just as you were about to stand up from your comfort… Johnny opened the door and walked towards you, sitting in front of you and reached for your hand immediately. You didn’t stopped him.
“I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to talk for hours and hours. I love you and I want you to stay. Not just for tonight though,” he was close to tearing up but he was stopping himself, “H-hug me if you feel the same” he said weakly, his grip tightened wishing you would pull him in for that hug.
And so you did. And you didn’t just hugged him. You immediately kissed him lovingly and said your sorry for ruining your relationship. He shut you up with a heated kiss, feeling his soft touch all over you. Hearing the words, “let’s never hurt each other again” and “I don’t want to hear the word ‘sorry’ from now on” and immediately made you giggle when you felt his lips on your neck, kissing you down until you’re comfortably under his huge frame. Feeling his hands all over your body, slowly running it up and down. Even his touch felt so good and warm that you missed him already when he pull away to remove his clothes.
It almost felt like it was your first time with him again when you were watching him remove your clothes. Every touch, every kiss and every sound you hear from him makes you tingle and your nipples hard. Of course he saw it, he smirked and teased it, making you whine and grab his shoulders but he didn’t stop. He flattened his tongue and gently flipped the tip on your nipple, making you close your legs and became sensitive. Johnny loved your reaction and to be honest he just missed doing this to you so he pulled you up and made you sit on him, making him hug you with both arms, and let you grind on his hard cock, making it wet with your pussy juices.
He licked your nipples softly, making you weak and melt with his feathery touch on your back, sucking and biting it gently when he wanted to hear you. Ending his teasing with lots of kisses on your chest all the way up your lips until you two fell on the mattress again.
“Want to make me harder?” He asked sweetly, lips beside your ears, nibbling it until you say stop and switch places. Johnny spread his legs very wide and you did not hesitate to lick his long and thick cock. The only cock you love and made you cum so any times already. You gave him head for a few minutes, playing with tip and watching him stop himself from cumming.
“By the way you can’t cum inside me tonight, you might get me pregnant—“
“What’s this torture I thought were okay?” Johnny pouted with lidded eyes. He wanted to fuck your mouth so bad but tonight is not the right time to be filthy. “But can we fuck raw?” He made you stop sucking him and pulling you to an embrace, cleaning your face his hand and switching places with you again.
“Of course we can fuck raw, what are you? A stranger?” You let out a small laugh and kissed your boyfriend’s lips. You knew the moment you placed your lips on his, he will immediately line his cock in your entrance and slowly thrust in.
Smoothly and slowly. Johnny is fucking you now, making you crazy and dizzy with his cock, making you moan and ask for more. He was bigger than ever, you thought that he will rip you even though he was going slowly. Bodies on bodies, he fucked you even slower and deeper, he was moaning the whole time with furrowed brows and when you came and tried closing your legs, he stopped them from closing and started kissing you hungrily. Feeling his whole weight on you, slowly fucking you open until you didn’t have a choice but to cum while he was still fucking you and still catching his orgasm. Slowly.
It’s crazy how no one moved fast but you two were tired and sweaty as you both catch your breaths. Of course Johnny came outside and was quick to grab a tissue. You laugh and helped him clean up, spreading kisses all over his body until you’re both covered with his thick blanket, both very naked beneath it.
You’ve never been this close before. Tonight was just very different.
“Do you want to live with me?”
He said out of nowhere while you were playing with his hands.
“What? Where did that came from?” You asked and came closer.
“I don’t want to see you leaving my place again. I swear Y/n— I’ll go crazy” he caged you with his long legs, and made you laugh again. He was still hard but he didn’t want to go another round, he was just happy and excited again for the future, he told you.
“Thanks for fixing us, for us.” You looked him in the eye and rolled on top of him so you could have a good look at him. “Yes I would like to move in with you,” you smiled and placed a kiss on his soft lips which formed a smile.
706 notes · View notes
sassydiamondgrl · 2 months
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Giving yourself peace🎀
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Living at peace is one of the most enjoyable lifestyles ! When you give yourself the time to be alone and really self reflect, you find yourself being more productive, a better mood, and just relaxation. Don’t know where to start? Let me guide you!
Black Barbie’s tips for living at peace🎀
1. Block anyone that you don’t like/ have issues with or unfollow any account that brings you the wrong energy/mindset.
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Once you stop associating with someone, why would you want to keep their number? Or even their social media. That should be an immediate no. For all you know, they could be stalking your page just to find something to use against you! Blocked & deleted. Also unfollow any toxic accounts on platforms. (Instagram, Tiktok, X) etc. Once you start finding peace, you wanna watch videos or listen to advice that is actually useful and will help you in the long run. Follow motivation accounts, iconic quotes, even pinterest can bring you peace just with their visualization.
2. Avoid arguing and drama!
Some may feel the need to argue or step up as soon as someone says something about them & charge. Yes we all might have that feeling (I get it too sometimes) but once you become cool, calm, & collected, (the 3 C’s!) you are unstoppable! Without a reaction people will tell that you don’t care about what they have to say about you because you already know your worth as a pretty girl. So ignoring can go a good way. However, if you find it hard to ignore, just tell that someone (or group of people) that you don’t care & don’t say anything more. If you do need to control your anger when stuff like this happens, listening to meditation videos & music really helps. Most importantly, STAY OUTTA DRAMA. Once you develop this habit, you don’t have to worry about who to defend or even getting yourself involved in a situation that has nothing to do with you, you can get yourself in trouble. If someone is constantly bringing you into drama, consider distancing yourself from them.
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3. Drop any fake friends
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This kind of refers to step 1. but please drop fake friends! These people just come into your life to make you miserable and look down on yourself. I have had my fair share of fake friends and it’s not pretty. It can even be guy friends, not just jealous envious girls. Sometimes it could be hard to identify who is a fake friend in your life but if you connect the dots, you may have one. Here are signs to watch out for:
• Talks bad about you “jokingly”
• Doesn’t compliment your success/your pics
• Takes it to heart when you have something that they don’t
• Never defends your name
• Doesn’t invite you anywhere
• Uses you (for $$, talking to a guy, schoolwork) etc.
• Always comes to you asking for advice (you end up feeling used)
Of course there could be more signs but just please watch out for them & if they are fake drop them immediately. Once you do, you won’t regret it. Instead surround yourself with more positive friends.
4. Spending time off your phone
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(ofc don’t throw out your phone like serena, lol you’re gonna need it sooner or later)
When you spend less time on your phone you won’t believe the things you could get done.
• Studying
• Everything showers
• Cleaning
• Reading
• Baking/ cooking
• Putting outfits together
• Spending time with family & friends
• Working out
5. Writing in a diary/journal
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At the end of the day, I just love to write down what i’m feeling and my plans for the next days ahead in my comfy pjs and pink pen (or my notes app) it relaxes me & also helps when i have nobody to talk to about how im feeling because im naturally shy (trying to break this habit lol). But when i do this i always feel 10x better & sometimes i listen to good music too.
But I hope you guys loved reading this helpful advice on how to live at peace!
xoxo, Black Barbie💋
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p0orbaby · 2 years
Text
Et Memoriae Venellam
Summary - Memories long forgotten get resurfaced.
Warnings - SMUT, Oral (both receiving), Fingering (Wanda receiving), Nipple play, Therapy, Child Abandonment? Language as usual.
Authors notes - Finally a snippet of readers’ past. Italics are flashbacks like always.
Word count - 3.2k
Navigation | Series Masterlist | W.M Masterlist
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“So, let’s start with asking how you’ve been since our last session shall we?”
“I’ve been good I guess”
“You guess? Because the way you walked in here tells me you’re in a considerably better mood than last week”
The idea that everything, even your posture and the way you walked was being analysed, made you want to bolt for the door.
“I had a good evening. Made some progress with Wanda”
“Well that’s good to hear. Can I ask what the two of you did?
A blush crept up your neck at the thought of sharing details so intimate with someone that was practically a stranger.
Apparently Doctor Michaels caught onto your silence and filled in the gaps for herself.
“Sex is a healthy way to support relationships if used in the right way. Other than the obvious benefits, it also helps ease stress, increases immunity and improves sleep”
“Right, better sleep. Got it” god this was embarrassing.
“Apart from the intimate physical progressions of your relationship. How are things going in terms of breaking down the psychological barriers? Have you spoken to Wanda more about your feelings towards your situation?”
“Not yet, I’ve been trying to find the courage to tell her”
“But as you told me last time, you’ve spoken to your friends about how you feel, correct? Is there a reason it’s harder to talk to your wife than it is to talk to them?”
“Other than the fact I see her everyday? So if I fuck up then I’ve got to look at the disappointment on her face 24/7 and it be a constant reminder of my failure? No, I can’t think of a reason why I’m avoiding talking to her about everything”
“Alright, I can clearly see that you try to use humor and sarcasm as a way to avoid confrontation”
“You don’t think?“
“There are many reasons as to why one would use humor to deflect serious topics. It diffuses tension as well as it being a way to form stronger bonds with people. It also helps individuals take hardships in stride. Making it easier to bounce back from disappointment and loss. Do any of those factors resonate with you perhaps?”
-
You woke to the sound of a loud ringing. The incessant chime of the old copper bell echoed off of the walls in the corridor outside your room.
A groan into your pillow was deemed the only appropriate reaction to your abrupt awakening.
“One day I’m going to get that bell and shove it somewhere the sun don’t shine,” stated a voice, paired with a sigh and the squeak of a bed frame, all of which came from the other side of the room.
“Well tell me when you plan on doing that cause I’ll happily be witness to that”
“Oh you’ll know when, trust me. And even though I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of running at her beck and call, we better follow the old bats rules and go down for breakfast. I’m not in the mood for her medieval punishments today”
Grace, fifteen and confident, was the only thing you actually liked about this place. Her wit and carefree attitude to your miserable situations was like a breath of fresh air compared to the dismal atmosphere the rest of the orphanage had to offer.
She had been in the foster care system the same amount of time you had, so if she was able to use her positive outlook on life to ameliorate some of the misery in your lives, then the least you could do was follow in her footsteps.
“Do you think we’ve got grey slop or brown slop today? I’m fancying a bit of the brown” the sarcasm in your tone didn’t go unmissed.
“Hmm, maybe they’ll treat us to some stale waffles, it is zoo day today after all”
Zoo day, or more commonly known as Adoption Recommendation Day, is an event held by the orphanage for prospective parents to mingle with the kids to get a better idea of who they want to adopt. Zoo day was coined by the pair of you after you noticed some of the adults standing on one side of a window watching a few of the younger children play outside. Like they were watching caged animals.
“What time are the exhibits opening today?” You asked, finally getting out of bed, stretching as you walked towards the wardrobe in search of some appropriate clothing.
“I overheard Sister Melissa say it would be just after lunch”
“Oh dear, they’ll miss feeding time then, what a shame”
“However will they cope?”
The two of you laughed to yourselves from opposite sides of the room. Only stopping when your sides started to hurt.
-
You’d both made it downstairs just in time to get a share of food. The grey concoction presented to you just added to your already sour mood.
“Y/N, Grace, you’re almost late for breakfast for the third time this week. Is there a reason you can’t make it to the table at the same time as the others?”
“Sorry Sister Evangeline, Y/N was having stomach troubles. I was asked to be on air freshener standy”
“She’s right Sister, I think it was Monday's dinner. I’ve never been good with cabbage, my stomach rejects it like there’s no tomorrow”
Your comments earned both of you chuckles from the other kids and glares from the Sisters. Your tag teaming was never appreciated, your acting talents apparently wasted.
“We don’t have time for your circus act today, sit down and join in with morning grace”
“Just morning grace, Sister? Can I not be included in afternoon and evening activities also?”
You snorted from beside your friend at her comment.
“You may think you’re funny but no one else is laughing other than your silly friend. Now eat your food before you earn yourself another hour of chores, your free time is becoming increasingly thin”
Grace turned to you and rolled her eyes at Sister Evangeline's threat before closing them and joining in with morning prayer.
-
It was a few hours later that the adults started filtering in. You’d been advised to wear your Sunday best. A starched navy knee length dress, a crisp white blouse, black loafers and a navy hair bow to match. You hated it.
It was important to make a good impression, Sister Andrea liked to remind you. The nicer you looked, the more of a chance it was you’d get picked. She’d been saying that every few months for the past ten years.
Maybe you needed a new Sunday best.
Being a teenager, it was unlikely you were to be picked no matter how smart you looked. Not many people wanted to adopt a young adult. They wanted a child, someone they could mold to meet their lifestyles. Not a teen who could rebel against their wishes.
“How’s the behaving working out for you?” Grace's voice asked from behind you as you had just finished cleaning away the remnants of lunch in the dining room.
“Well I’ve been banished to the kitchen, so figure that one out”
“Better than toilet cleaning duty” she responded as she held up a toilet brush in her gloved hand. “You’d think they didn’t want us to leave, hiding us away from the parents to keep us all to themselves”
“How very kind of them” you grimaced at the thought of staying here with the Sisters. “Have any of the kids been picked yet?”
“A young couple have their eyes on Amelia, and Janice has just finished a walk of the garden with Sister Mary and the family from the other month”
“I’m glad, it’ll be good to have some of us get out of here. Those girls don’t deserve to be stuck in the system”
“And we do?”
“Well we’re not really the poster children for obedience are we? I don’t think we’d last very long before they sent up back”
“You’re right, we wouldn’t”
There were a few beats of silence before you heard a commotion coming from one of the other rooms in the house.
You ripped off your cleaning apron and briskly followed Grace to the source of the noise.
A huddle of people in the activities room seemed to be the centre of the issue. But before you could ask what was going on, a family of three brushed passed you hurriedly and found their way to the exit of the house.
Confused, you made your way to the group to see what the matter was.
“Now there Miss Janice, there’s no need to be upset”
The voice of Sister Mary could barely be heard over what you now know to be the crying of little Janice.
“What’s the matter?” Grace asked before you could.
“Nothing to worry about, just a complication. Nothing we can’t handle”
“A complication with what?”
“Y/N, it’s none of your business, can you please just go back to your chores”
Ignoring her, you pushed your way through the crowd, finding Janice hunched over in a ball, crying into her knees.
“Hey, Janice, can you look at me for a second?” Your voice was soft and soothing, she shook her head in defiance anyway. “Can you take some deep breaths? Slowly, in and out?”
Crouching down next to her, you placed a gentle hand on her back and felt her breathing come to a more regular pace.
“That’s it sweet girl, can you tell me what happened?”
Once she had gotten her breath back, she turned to you and wrapped her arms around your neck, hiding her face in your shoulder.
“They don’t want me” she whispered, voice wavering again. “They came back to tell me they don’t want to take me home. They hate me”
“Oh no, they don’t hate you”
“Then why? Why would they leave me here?”
You didn’t have the answers to give her. You didn’t know why people did what they did. Especially to lead children on like that. You hated them and you didn’t even know who they were.
Janice started crying again, and all you could do to soothe her was tell her lies that tasted bitter on your tongue.
-
“Jesus wept, that was stressful” Grace stated as she slumped backwards onto her bed. Landing with a bounce.
“You’re telling me, I just had to console a seven year old”
“Hmm true, she in bed now?”
“Yeah, just about. Took a while but she’s sleeping. Sister Mary said she’d allow her to eat dinner in bed”
“Oh one of them has a soul then. That’s nice for future reference”
“Let’s make a pact” you said abruptly, sitting up against your headboard.
“Huh?”
“A pact, c'mon you know, like a promise”
“No I know what a pact is, but what for?”
“To not cause cause pain and suffering”
“What, like world peace or something?”
“Stop being soft, no. Let’s make a pact to stick together. Me and you. No one else, not even children. I’m not bringing a child into a world where it’s just sadness and misery. When we hit eighteen and get out of this hell hole, we could travel. Go to a different country. Never stay in one place too long. What do you say? You and me forever?”
It took a while for Grace to respond, but when her mouth turned up into a smirk, you knew the answer.
“Alright, why not? You've got a deal. You and me forever”
-
“Y/N?”
Doctor Michaels’ voice permeated your thoughts, and you found yourself back in the therapist's office.
“Sorry, no, nothing springs to mind”
“Okay well, if you remember anything, I’m all ears”
-
“Fuck baby, that feels good”
Your voice echoed off of the tiled walls, along with the sounds of the water from the shower head and Wanda’s soft hums from where she was crouched between your legs.
Her wet hair was tangled around your fingers as you used your hand to keep her head where you wanted it.
Wanda knew you were close by the way your knees buckled when her fingers thrusted in and out of you with vigour. Normally she would savor moments like these, have them last as long as possible, but it had been so long since she has had her head between your legs and she missed making you feel good. She wanted you to fall apart for her.
With a crook of her fingers and one final suck on your clit, you fell over the edge. Closing your eyes, you focused on the white hot pleasure coursing through your body and the tight grip Wanda had on your thighs in order to keep you upright.
It wasn’t until the warmth of Wanda was gone from underneath you that you opened your eyes again. You peered around to find her walking to the other side of the bathroom to grab both of your towels.
“Do you want me to repay the favour?” Your question came out quietly as you tried to catch your breath.
“No baby, it’s alright. Let’s get you dry and we can talk?”
You'd forgotten about your clause in your blissed out state. Therapy meant talking not just to Doctor Michaels, but to Wanda also.
So you nodded your head in her direction whilst stepping out of the shower and wrapping yourself in the towel that was held out for you.
The next few minutes were spent exchanging soft touches. You dried each other with relaxed movements and dressed yourselves in soft loungewear, the two of you both happy to spend the rest of the day in bed.
You settled yourself with your head in Wanda's lap looking up at her, whilst this time it was her hands running through your hair.
Before your eyes fluttered closed, Wanda’s voice broke the silence of the room.
“How has your day been, baby? She asked, her voice soft.
“Hmm, it was alright. Work was work, you know how Tony is. And therapy was weird today”
“Weird? In what way?”
“Just the questions. Triggered some memories that I thought I’d forgotten. About the orphanage”
Wanda’s hand stopped stroking your head at your response. She knew all about your time there and why you were there in the first place. It was a hard topic for her to listen to when she knew the pain that part of your life had put you through.
“Is that going to be a problem? Having your past brought up like that?”
“It’s going to be hard, to relive everything. But if it helps me come to terms with what’s going on with us, then I’m willing to talk about it”
“And we’re you willing? To talk about it?”
If there was one thing you knew about Wanda, it was that she was very perceptive. She was able to see through people more often than not, you especially. There was no point in lying to her about this.
“I didn’t mention anything to Dr Michaels, no. Perhaps next time if it’s brought up”
“Y/N” Wanda started with a sigh, “you need to try and be completely honest in those sessions. They’re there to help you”
“I know, I know” you said, removing yourself from Wanda’s lap and sitting up next to her against the headboard. “I just don’t want to let everything out so soon”
“I can’t imagine how hard it is. But you’ve got to try, alright? For us. For them”
Wanda grabbed your hand and gently placed it on her stomach.
Your flinch didn’t go unnoticed, but you kept your hand there anyway.
You knew she was right. About this especially. For this to work, you needed to be open and honest. Nothing should be off limits.
“You’re right. This isn’t about me, it’s about you guys”
Your fingers twitched against Wanda’s stomach before you stroked your hand slowly over her bump. Her breath hitched slightly at the sudden affection you were showing.
Her hands made their way back into your hair, but this time any resemblance of restrain was out of the window. Her touch desperate.
She pulled your face towards hers with force, and connected your lips to hers like it was the last time she would ever do so.
A small gasp was released from your mouth at her nipping your bottom lip. The gesture showcasing Wanda’s constant need for intimacy with you.
Who were you to deny her?
Before she even realised what you were doing, you started to trail sloppy kisses down her neck. You removed the T-shirt she was wearing in order to get your mouth on her breasts. Sucking a flicking each nipple with your tongue before giving her a final bite of her flesh, carrying on with your journey down her body.
Her bottoms were the next item to be rid off of her body. One swift movement and she was naked before you once more.
Wanda’s legs opened for you in a move well practiced as you settled between them on your stomach. As soon as you were comfortable, you got to work. Licking an experimental stripe against her slit, causes her to moan and throw her head back against the pillows. You lift one of your hands in order to use your fingers to keep her open for you as you dipped your tongue into her wanting heat. The taste of her overwhelmed your senses as you used your tongue to probe at her.
Once satisfied you’d worked at her entrance enough, you moved upwards slightly so you could give her clit some well deserved attention. You flicked your tongue against it, and Wanda’s back arched as you did. It was amazing how such a small bundle of nerves could cause one so much pleasure. You quickened the pace of your tongue against the sensitive bud as soon as you felt her legs starting to shake underneath you. You wouldn’t tease her.
Lifting your free hand to her breast, you pinched her nipple between two fingers. Not too hard, not too soft. Just the right amount of pressure. It seemed as though one of Wanda’s pregnancy symptoms was that her nipples had become hyper sensitive. She loved having her nipples played with anyway, but now she was pregnant the pleasure she got from it had increased tenfold. Meaning it wasn’t long before the combined sensation of you rolling her nipple between your digits and the movement of your mouth against her sex, sent her flying over the edge with a cry that almost resembled pain.
You took this time to lift your eyes and look at her. Finding her with her face slightly flushed red, mouth open just slightly whilst her chest rose and fell as she tried to get her breath back. It was a sight to see. You pulled away only when a hiss came from above you. She was too sensitive for you to carry on. You didn’t mind.
Wanda’s leg served as your pillow as you allowed you to fully regain her breath. It was a few minutes until she opened her eyes and looked down at you to reveal blown out pupils. It had all it took to not ravish her once again.
“I thought I told you you didn’t need to repay the favour” she asked with a small chuckle.
“Hmm, you did. But when have I ever been good at following rules?”
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Taglist
General Taglist: @xxxtwilightaxelxxx @jromanoff @diaryoflife @xxromanoffxx @marrymemcgrath @smileyromanoff @rice-wiife
369 notes · View notes
Note
Hey Kait, can I have some comfort from Saeran about avoiding a family gathering? I was anxious about it all week, whether I should go or not. Lord knows I didn't want to go because it would be a miserable experience that will leave me drained and depressed, but I felt very guilty and selfish about it, since some of my relatives literally flew by plane for this one gathering. I kinda felt obligated to go out of respect. In the end, I decided not to go for my own comfort, but now I am left regretting it and feeling like a terrible person over it :(
GE Saeran knows what it feels like to be drained before you even start your day.
Sometimes, you have to know your limitations and there's nothing wrong with that. You shouldn't have to force yourself to do something you don't want to do to save face. Sure, sometimes there are major moments in your life where you have to do something you don't want to do because you know it's the right thing to do, but in a situation where you know you're going to make yourself sick if you do it, you have to think about your health first. 
He would be the first to tell you that there's absolutely nothing selfish about choosing yourself first. You don't owe anything to your family and you don't have to be around them if you don't want to. In fact, if you go out of your way to make sure that those people get what they want and it ends up trampling you in the process, it's disrespectful to you. 
You shouldn't have to force yourself to hang out with your family if your family doesn't go out of their way to make sure you give them the same respect you've been forcing yourself to give them. This is a two-way street, remember that. If you know in your heart that none of your family would go out of their way for you, even though you've done everything you can to make sure you do that for them? It's time to start thinking about priorities and self-respect. 
Remember how you told him he didn't have to meet his brother if he didn't want to? He respected the fact that you told him he could do what he wanted to do and it made it easier for him to decide what felt right. If somebody forced him to meet his brother when he wasn't ready, it wouldn't have ended well.
Sure, it wasn't perfect, but he had more time to think about what he wanted to do and that self-reflection helped not only him understand what he wanted out of life, but also understand what kind of place he wants his brother to have in it. As you can imagine, he would tell you the same thing you told him.
"My love, please, don't force yourself to do something you don't want to do just because you feel like there's no other choice. If you don't want to see your family and you know it's going to leave you in a bad place, don't make yourself do that. Even if they tell you something awful, it only proves why you didn’t want to go. If your family really cared about your health and safety, they would’ve reflected on their actions and what those actions do to you. I hope... that you don't beat yourself up for choosing what makes you comfortable."
If you need a distraction, he's more than willing to share plenty of those with you. It may be a hard day, but you can count on him to whisk you away for a nice day trip so you don't have to think about anything.
Better yet, you can leave your phones on silent so you can enjoy the moment together and not worry about people trying to bother you when all you want to do is live your life. If people wanted to be a part of your life, they would make a point of trying to be there all the time, not just during reunions. 
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chaotic-super · 11 months
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For Her Sake - Chapter 10
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Read For Her Sake on AO3 here!
Kara has managed to avoid Cat’s inquisitive stares for over a week, a feat she wasn’t expecting to pull off but the time is coming nearer when she isn’t going to be able to avoid it for much longer and all she can do is just come clean to the woman that does have a few softer layers beneath her steely exterior. She has to tell her about Mike and Alex and Lori. Well, she knows about Lori. She doesn’t know about Mike’s death or the accident or how much she’s been struggling.
She can count on one hand the number of times they have spoken about their personal lives and three of those four times were about Cat, not Kara so if there’s one thing Kara’s sure of, it’s the fact that she doesn’t know how she’s going to handle this situation.
Kara is tense as she tries to focus on her laptop, failing miserably because she can feel the harsh gaze of her boss digging into the side of her face, trying her best to decipher what’s going on with Kara, practically unscrewing the top of her head to take a peek inside, all the while Kara just keep blankly staring ahead while doing her best not to give away anything just yet, praying she can put off the inevitable a little longer.
It’s just not to be though, her time is up, and the hourglass has run out.
“Kiera!” Cat shrieks to her, eyes still pinned on the side of her head and her lips quirking up in barely hidden delight at the way Kara jumps at the sound, fully aware that Kara knew she was watching her, is still watching her.
Kara shoots up from her seat, quickly glancing to her left to look at her boss through the window of her office and then quickly everting her gaze when she makes direct eye contact with Cat.
She rushes through the open office door and takes up residence just inside the room, her arms held behind her back respectfully, almost as if she’s trying to make herself a smaller target against whatever is about to come. “Yes, Ms Grant?”
“Shut the door and sit down.”
Kara is quick to comply, doing exactly what she’s been told, nothing more and nothing less, although, she does take a seat on the far end of one of the couches in the room, sitting as far away from Ms Grant as she can, where she then looks up at Cat expectantly, waiting for her to make the next move.
Now that she’s in here, she has to face what’s coming. There’s really no point in her beating around the bush so she might as well just let Cat take the lead and just get everything out in the open so she can hurry up and deal with the consequences of having the truth revealed, whether they be good or bad.
Kara pins her eyes on the shorter, yet much more powerful woman, watching every minute movement and facial expression as they are presented to her so she can try and prepare herself for the exact moment she’s forced to face the music.
It still takes her by surprise though. When Cat stands from her desk suddenly while swiping her glasses off her face in a manner that can only be described as aggressive, she almost jumps out of her skin and then when she rounds her desk, stalking closer, Kara instinctively pushes herself back against the arm of the couch.
She takes a seat opposite Kara and just keeps staring for a few seconds before she opens her mouth to speak. “Kiera, I know something is going on and I don’t appreciate being kept in the dark, would you care to rectify the mistake of you doing so?”
Every part of Kara is screaming at her to tell Cat that, yes, she would mind but she doesn’t have the balls to actually say that to her face. “Ms Grant, I—” She thinks about lying. No, she already told herself that she is going to tell her so that’s what she’s going to do. “There have been some…changes in my personal life that I have been dealing with.”
Cat quirks an eyebrow. “Changes?”
“Yeah.” Kara’s voice is quiet enough that it can almost be categorized as a whisper.
“Elaborate.”
“Um, it’s…uh…” All words leave Kara and suddenly, she has no idea how to vocalize everything that has happened. How can she explain what happened to her boss without making herself look incompetent and subsequently pushing her career back because she might not seem capable enough to eventually become a reporter and get a nice pay raise with it?
While she stutters out an answer that isn’t really an answer, Cat moves to sit opposite her on the other couch, legs crossed and her arms resting atop her knee as she leans forward, eyes boring into Kara once again. “That doesn’t answer my question. I don’t want stuttering, I want proper, informative sentences. Understood?”  
“I understand, Ms Grant. I just don’t know how to answer your question.” Kara looks down at her shoes, noticing little splatters of mud up the side of them from her walk to the bus this morning. She should really wipe them off when she gets a chance because they make her look as messy as she feels on the inside.
Cat huffs quietly and rolls her eyes before changing tactics. If Kara needs an easier question, she’ll give her an easier question. “Fine, I’ll ask different questions, but I expect honest answers. When did these ‘changes’ happen?” She uses her fingers to make little quotation marks in the air.
Kara nods. “A few months ago.”
“And how did it start?” She pauses her question, furrowing her eyebrows as she comes to a realisation. "Is this to do with that no-good man-child you’re engaged to?”
“It started a few months ago and yes, it is.” Kara is finding it much easier to answer Ms Grant’s questions one at a time, able to release the information in bite-sized chunks instead of being relied on to ramble in a way that is somewhat coherent.
Upon learning that yes, Mike does have something to do with why Kara has been so down the past few months and why her work has been slowly slipping, Cat can’t help but be a little exasperated because of course he is. “What happened?”
“We broke up.”
“That’s it? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that’s a bad thing but breaking up with someone that is an incompetent goon is hardly worthy of the response you’ve given.” Somehow, her stare into Kara’s soul intensifies, digging for the more information she knows is hiding in there.
“Was.”
“What?”
“He was an incompetent goon.” Kara’s eyes meet the imploring ones of her boss. “After we broke up, he tried to come and convince me to come back with Lori, he showed up drunk and my sister tried to drive him home. He grabbed the wheel and they wrecked. He died, and my sister is still recovering.”
For what might actually be the first time in her life, Cat has nothing to say to that. It is most definitely not what she was expecting. She didn’t like Mike, not one bit. She watched on as Kara put her neck on the line to get him an internship and she watched as he flirted with every woman on the floor whenever Kara’s back was turned, barely completing any work and making a mockery out of both himself and Kara. That doesn’t mean she wanted him to die, just to be out of Kara’s life. She may not have admitted it out loud, but Kara deserved better.
“The changes are that I had to go from having the support of a partner and my sister in raising Lori to raising her alone while trying to nurse my sister back to health from her injuries while being cut down to just having my paycheque being the only one coming in.” Now she’s on a roll, Kara’s found the words again and boy are they coming free now. “I couldn’t afford the place we were living on top of my sister’s medical bills, so we had to move somewhere cheaper, and I had to pull Lori out of her dance lessons and I—” Kara drops her head down again. Tears fill her eyes and Kara tugs off her glasses so she can press her palms against them like she’s trying to stop them from escaping.
Cat can’t tear her eyes off Kara, her heart aching for the woman that has clearly been drowning in front of her for longer than she ever knew. “Oh, Kara.”
Kara was barely holding on before but now, hearing Cat calling her by her actual name has done it for her and she can’t help the sob that rips its way free of her throat.
Making a decision and one that is very out of character for her, Cat stands up and makes her way around the coffee table to sit beside Kara, pulling the woman towards her and cradling her to her chest the same way she does whenever her own son, Carter, gets particularly upset.
Cat just sits there letting Kara sob her heart out into her expensive blouse until she has no more tears left to soak her through with. “Better?”
Kara nods and leans back and away from her, embarrassed by her outburst of emotions. “I’m sorry about that.”
“It’s not unreasonable to cry when you’re going through a difficult situation, Kara but don’t think that I can’t tell that you haven’t told me the full truth yet.”
Kara freezes. It’s one thing to tell her about the accident and her new economic status but she cannot tell her about Lena. She shakes her head.
“Tell me.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. I’m not here to judge you.”
Kara breathes in deeply, trying to regulate her emotions better. “I don’t think you’’ be able to stay impartial if I tell you, I’m sorry. I just can’t.”
Cat pins her eyes onto the side of Kara’s face, gauging the level of severity of whatever it is that Kara is keeping from her. She can’t know for sure, but she can make a pretty good guess that whatever it is, it’s bad. “Kara, have you done something illegal?”
The silence that follows is more telling than anything Kara could possibly say.
“Is it something to do with CatCo?”
“No.” The answer is firm and instantaneous, leaving no shred of doubt within Cat that Kara could have done anything the jeopardize her company. “I would never.”
“Have you done something illegal to someone else?”
Kara looks to Cat with pleading eyes, begging her to stop asking questions but she knows Cat and she knows that she never quits until she gets the answers she’s looking for. There’s no point in trying to hide anything but damn if she isn’t going to try anyway. “Ms Grant, I appreciate you listening to me and for comforting me a minute ago, but I think I’d be more comfortable if I— “
“Answer the question. Have you or have you not done something illegal to someone else?” Cat doesn’t drop it. “This isn’t something you can avoid.”
Kara’s eyes start to flit around the room, searching for an escape but there’s nothing to find, no way out of this conversation other than the one choice she’s been given. She has to tell Cat the truth. “I tried to.”
“How does one ‘try to’ do something illegal?”
“I was offered a chance to earn extra money by kidnapping Lena Luthor for money.”
“What?” Cat almost explodes out, in complete shock from what she’s hearing. “You tried to kidnap Lena Luthor?”
Kara nods. “Yeah, a group of us. A guy approached me at the hospital after hearing me argue with some woman behind the desk about the hospital bill and it snowballed from there. The short version of events is that I went there, the whole thing went bust very quickly and I got left behind there, Lena covered for me and didn’t get the police involved and now, for some reason, she’s given my sister a job that works with her injuries and she paid off our medical debt and she’s been really good to us despite what I did. She’s even met my daughter.”
Cat holds her hands up. “Wait, wait, wait. I need a moment to catch up. So, you were part of a plot to kidnap this poor woman for ransom money, you failed spectacularly, she saved your ass from being arrested and then she, from the goodness of her own heart, started helping you out financially?”
“Pretty much, yes.”
Cat sighs, “Then she’s a better woman than me. Kara, what were you thinking?”
Kara’s heart sinks from the disappointed tone and the look she’s on the receiving end of. She doesn’t think she’s ever seen someone look so betrayed and she’s not the one that Kara tried to kidnap. “I was thinking about Lori. I got desperate and wanted to give her a better life.”
“And yet you didn’t think of coming to me.”
“If I came to you, you would never consider me for any kind of promotion, I’d be stuck in this part of my career forever and then I’d never be able to provide for Lori properly. It would just make my temporary situation permanent. We both know that.”
It’s true and Cat can’t deny it, but it doesn’t mean she’s a heartless bitch. “Perhaps but I would have done whatever I could to make it easier on you, Kara. I may not be the most loving person but I’m not in the habit of making children’s lives harder.” Kara’s lips tremble and she looks like she’s about to cry again so she backs off slightly. “You’re certain Lena isn’t going to come after you retrospectively?”
“Yeah, she’s really nice. We had her over for dinner and I’ve even been over to her place for drinks. I think we’re kind of…friends now.”
Cat shakes her head. “How in the world did you manage to get her to be friends with you after all of that?”
Kara shrugs. “I don’t know but she’s really nice. She’s also been working on buying out the children’s hospital and I’ve offered to help out with the whole redecorating process once it goes through so I think that helped get me into her good graces.”
“She’s doing what?” Cat’s eyes go wide. “This is excellent! We can put that on the cover of—”
“No!” Kara actually grabs her boss’ wrist, withdrawing her hand in an instant when she realizes what she’s done and when she receives quite the harsh glare. “You can’t do that. She’ll know I told you and I can’t betray her. Not after everything, please don’t.”
Cat stands up and wanders away from the couch and towards her desk. “It’s my job to report on the news, Kara and this is news that could very well help this magazine significantly.”
“Then what if I can get her to come to you and do an interview, what if I can convince her to give you an even bigger scoop? Would that make you hold off on this?”
Cat smiles, a predator in her natural habitat. “That would be an excellent idea, Kara. I want you to get Ms Luthor to come to CatCo and work with us on an interview. If you do that, I’ll see if we can get you that promotion you were so set on keeping safe when you decided not to come to me for help before.”
“Really?”
“How does junior reporter sound?” Cat grins in a way that unsettles Kara to the core and she knows exactly why. She’s getting played. Cat now knows just how desperate she is and is going to abuse that knowledge to further the company. Does she believe that Cat would actually publish the article on Lena and the hospital if she doesn’t pull through? Not really. Does she think that Cat will withhold career development from her if she doesn’t? Most likely.
With Alex now working, she can cope with the salary she’s on. She can handle all of the bills now and they have even been talking about moving to a better place and getting Lori back into all of the clubs she had to be pulled out of to save money. What happens though when Alex is better and she decides she’s tired of living with her little sister? What happens when she starts dating or starts a family of her own? She’s not going to be with them then and the question still stands, can she handle looking after herself and Lori on her meagre personal assistant income? Unlikely.
Kara has already done a lot of damage to Lena and Lena has done a lot for her. She can’t just go digging around for information and start trying to sweet talk her into doing things for her when she’s already done so much, that wouldn’t just be unfair, that would be cruel.
“That sounds good.”
“Excellent, now get back to work and maybe later you can give Lena Luthor a call, maybe have dinner together and discuss the opportunities that could arise for her from working with CatCo. Yes?”
Kara does her best to hide her frown. “Yes, Ms Grant.”
“Good, now go.”
Kara scrambles to her feet and rushes back to her own desk where she promptly grabs her phone before heading for the bathroom, needing a moment of privacy from the sharp stare of the woman she can’t help but feel betrayed by.
Yes, Cat comforted her, held her and let her cry, cared for her, but she also just used her for her own gain in a way that she doesn’t think she can ever overlook. Was she just doing her job? Doing exactly what she’s always done to get her company to the incredible level it is now? Of course she is, she wouldn’t be known as ‘The Queen of All Media’ if she didn’t take the opportunity Kara just presented her on a silver platter. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt though.
She checks the bathroom is clear of people before entering a stall and sitting down on the toilet, her pants still held firm around her waist. She’s not here to pee. She’s here to text.
Hey Lena. Can we talk? Something has happened over at CatCo that I think you need to know about.
She holds her breath as she sends the message and then slides the phone into her pocket as she stands up and reaches for the lock. Just as she’s about to open it, she looks back at the toilet and shrugs. If she’s in here, she might as well.
-
Kara huffs as she sits beside Alex on the couch. Lori was put to bed a little while ago and now she’s fast asleep, but the TV still hasn’t been changed from the cartoons that were on for the little one and both of the Danvers sisters are just staring at the screen absentmindedly, Kara’s head falling down to rest on Alex’s shoulder.
“What’s wrong with you? Why are you being all huffy today?” Alex questions, a hand reaching around to scratch at the side of Kara’s head in a method that has been thoroughly tried and tested to calm her down and make her feel better.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Clearly it does though, Kara. Why are you upset? You’ve been in a mopey mood all evening, even if you have been able to hide it from Lori, you can’t hide it from me.”
Kara sighs. She’s going to have to lie to Alex…again. Well, she’s going to have to at least emit parts of the truth, which in and of itself is basically lying by omission and makes her feel incredibly guilty.
“Ms Grant finally noticed that something was wrong with me and the way I have been acting the past few months, all stressed and not as focused.”
“Wow, give that woman a medal, she finally noticed that someone who has been right in front of her for months has been struggling because she’s finally taken a break from looking in the mirror and kissing her own butt.”
Kara shakes her head but she can’t help but smile, a tiny giggle bursting out of her throat. “Alex, she’s not that bad.”
Alex pins her with a sharp look and a raised eyebrow. “Oh yeah, then why are you all mopey?”
“Well, it’s my fault really.” Kara starts “I told her about everything that happened with Mike and then the bills and how much we struggled and that led to me telling her about how Lena helped us out with the job and how we’re kind of getting towards the friends territory. I shut have kept my mouth shut though but I told her about the children’s hospital and now she’s basically threatening me that if I don’t convince Lena to give CatCo an interview about it, she’ll never promote me, and I’ll be stuck as her assistant for the rest of my life.”
“That bitch.” Alex seethes in a quiet kind of anger that terrifies Kara to her core. “You should tell Lena that cat is gunning for her and knows about the hospital now, she needs a heads up. You obviously can’t actually try and convince her to do anything, not after she got me a job.”
“I know, I texted her earlier asking to talk but she never responded so she must be busy or something,” Kara replies, her lips pulled down.
Alex reaches over to pull her closer and gets a good grip on her hand and then she squeezes it tightly. “That’s the right thing to do, I’m really proud of you. You always do the right thing and that’s just one of the things I love about you, I actually wish I was more like you.”
“You really don’t,” Kara mumbles under her breath, so quiet that Alex can’t hear even though they are pressed so closely together, guilt gnawing at her from the inside out.
Alex holds her for a long moment and Kara’s mind can’t help but wander to the time, just hours before, when Cat held her like this. She can’t believe the woman turned on her so quickly after giving her comfort when she cried.
She’s worked there for years and what for? To be blackmailed into giving up her integrity? Not going to happen.
“I think I better start sending out my résumé,” Kara says after a long few moments. “I can’t work somewhere I’ll be used for who I know, and I can’t stay there if there’s no career advancement available for me. I can do better than that.”
“I agree, you can. How about I help you bring it up to date with you on Saturday?”
Kara nods, “That would be great, thanks, Alex.”
Alex keeps scratching at the side of her head, not looking at her so she doesn’t have to be witness to the killer pout that woman is capable of and she doesn’t have to look to know she’s pouting right now. “I know it’s shitty that you’re going to have to leave your job and I’m sorry.”
“I’ve been looking for a new, better job for months now and I’m kind of worried, Alex. I don’t think I’ll be able to get one on the same pay scale and we need the money.” Kara turns to face Alex more and Alex almost recoils from the power of the pout.
Alex can’t do anything to make Kara feel better because there’s nothing she can do to fix the situation for her. “I know but even if you do have to take a pay cut, we’ll make it work, we always do. Ok?”
“Ok.”
“Good.” Alex gives Kara another squeeze before releasing her so she can lean forward and grab the remote to the TV, cartoons are all well and good, but she cannot be bothered to sit here and watch them now when she has the chance to relax. “Terminator 2?”
“Uh, I suppose.” Kara wants to complain about the choice but it’s Alex’s favourite and she can’t be bothered to fight about it.
As Alex grabs the remote off the coffee table, Kara’s phone lights up with a text so she leans back and pulls the phone back with her so she can pass it over to Kara.
“Here.”
Kara’s heart pounds slightly because she has a feeling she knows who is texting her. “Thanks.” She mumbles while opening up the text. Her eyes scan over it a couple of times but she can’t help but frown in slight confusion. “Um…what?”
“What is it?” Alex leans over her shoulder to be nosy and have a look at the message. “Oh.”
Downstairs, you know which car.
Alex stares at the side of Kara’s confused face for a moment before practically shoving her off the couch. “That means she wants you to go and talk to her so go on, update her on the goings on, I’ll watch Lori until you’re back.”
Kara rolls her eyes and grabs a hoodie from beside Alex that her sister took off a few minutes ago because she was too warm.
“Hey! That’s mine.”
“Not now, it’s not,” Kara replies, jamming some sneakers onto her feet and heading out the front door with her keys and phone in her pocket, not at all ashamed of the fact she’s wearing her pyjamas beneath the hoodie, it is after 9 after all.
Alex rolls her eyes and lets her go, at least now she can watch her favourite movie in peace without Kara huffing, albeit as quietly as she can, because she’s not a big fan of what she considers to be the best movie of all time.
Kara wants to talk to Lena; she really does but she didn’t think they would end up having this conversation in person or that Lena would just show up. At least it gets it out of the way though, she can just rip the band-aid off.
True to her word, Lena’s car is parked not too far away from the entrance of the building and Kara spots her waving at her as she moves towards the car.
The doors unlock with an audible click when she approaches and Kara takes that as an invitation to get in. She pulls the door shut behind her and smiles at Lena as she relocks the doors, not one for foregoing precautions.
“Hi, I wasn’t expecting you to show up.”
Lena shrugs sheepishly. “Sorry, I didn’t see your message until I was leaving work and it seemed easier to just come to you since I’m going to drive around for a little while to clear my head anyway.”
“Can I join you?”
Lena tilts her head, taking in the tired expression on Kara’s face. “You sure? You look tired.”
“Thank you.” Kara smiles witheringly. “I’m alright, it’s just been a rough day.”
“Buckle up then.”
Kara does exactly that and just sits back as Lena drives them out of the parking lot and she goes between looking out of the window and looking over at Lena, who looks equally as tired and is wearing a business-style dress.  
“So, do you want to let me in on whatever it is you need to tell me about?” Lena asks when they roll up to a red light.
Kara sighs. “Yeah, um. So, Ms Grant noticed something has been going on with me and called me into her office today to talk.”
“Is that a good thing?”
“I wasn’t sure. I was expecting it because she’s been aware for over a week now that I was hiding something. That woman is like a dog with a bone when she gets the slightest scent of something going on.” Kara explains. “I thought she was just being a good boss at first and told her about everything that was going on when she asked. I told her about Mike and Lori and how we were struggling but then she noticed I was holding stuff back and I ended up telling her everything, or rather, she figured it out and I couldn’t deny it.”
“Everything?”
Kara nods and looks out the window. She doesn’t want to see the stress or disappointment in Lena’s eyes because all she had to do was keep her mouth shut or lie or just do anything other than what she did in that office. “Everything.”
“She knows about how we met then?”
“Yeah, and I let it slip about the hospital, I’m really sorry.”
Lena takes a deep breath and Kara hears as she lets it out, long and slow, as she tries to calm herself down. “I’ll have to call my PR department tomorrow and give them a heads up about that. Do you know when she’s going to publish about it?”
“Not yet. She told me that if I convinced you to do an interview about it with CatCo when it’s all official, then she won’t do anything yet but…well, that’s the gist of it.”
Lena peers at her out of the corner of her eye. “Want to finish that thought, champ?”
Kara breathes an annoyed breath out. “Am I really that easy to read?”
“Remarkably, it’s probably why Ms Grant managed to get the truth out of you so easily.”
Kara’s eyebrows furrow. “I never said it was easy.” Lena just raises her own eyebrow back at her. “But it kind of was. I suck at hiding things.”
Lena’s lips quirk up, “that much is obvious now, finish your earlier thought.”
“Uh, I was hoping you’d forgotten about that. Basically, Ms Grant threatened that if I don’t get you to agree to an interview then I can kiss the chance of any kind of career development in the company goodbye and be an assistant for the rest of my life.”
Lena looks genuinely shocked. “What? Kara, that’s awful. She can’t do that. I’ve never known her to be so hateful.”
“She���s doing what she always does, she’s doing what’s best for the company even if it is to my detriment. Don’t worry about it though and don’t let it sway you, Alex is going to help me suave up my résumé this weekend and then I’ll start applying for other jobs and see if anything good shows up. I just can’t believe I’ve spent years there just to be blackmailed at the end of it all.”
Lena is trying her best not to get mad on Kara’s behalf. Cat Grant basically cornered her, forced her to reveal her secrets and then started blackmailing her. Sure, Kara can leave and find a new job but what happens when she decides to run a story on what happened at L-Corp when the group broke in to try and kidnap her, maybe even naming Kara and exploiting her? She can’t let that happen.
“I’ll fix it, Kara.”
“I don’t know if there is a way to fix it.” Kara’s voice is sad and resigned in a way that makes Lena feel really bad for her. “Anyway, let’s talk about something else.”
Lena wants to keep talking about it so she can gather as much information as she can but the bags beneath Kara’s eyes tell her that now isn’t the time to push. “Alright, what do you want to talk about?”
“Will you tell me about your day?”
That’s probably the last thing Lena wants to talk about, but Kara looks like she just needs to talk about anything other than what happened today, so she’ll go along with it. “Nothing too eventful happened, just boring board meetings where I get yelled at by people with too much money and not enough brain cells.”
“Oh, so you’ve had a day too.”
“You could say that, yes.” Lena agrees. “It’s part of why I decided to come to you and have a drive.”
Kara tilts her head like a baffled little puppy, “what do you mean?”
“After our conversation before, the one where I told you about how I drink a lot after work, well, I’m trying to not do that today so that’s why I’m driving around. I figured that I can just drive until I’m tired and then I can just go home and sleep afterwards and that will leave no time for me to make any bad choices.”
Kara smiles at her and it’s so genuine that it makes Lena want to cry. “I’m really proud of you, that’s a really brave thing to do.”
“Thank you.” Lena chokes out and keeps driving.
-
Lena pulls up outside of Kara’s building. It’s still just as ugly as it was when she was here before and the sight of it makes her skin crawl. She leans over to Kara and gently shakes her awake. “Kara, hey, wake up.”
She had fallen asleep a while back to the soft classical music Lena has playing in the background and the smooth movements of the car. She didn’t have the heart to wake her up before and just kept going until she herself got tired and so she brought her back home.
Kara’s eyes crack open slowly and Lena can’t help but giggle at the cute way Kara instinctively covers her face and tries to burrow back down to go to sleep.
“Hey, we’re back, let’s get you upstairs so you can go to bed, sleepyhead.”
In response, Kara grumbles a little, but she doesn’t put up too much of a fight and lets Lena drag her out of the car and start pulling her towards the entrance of the building. She walks her all the way to her door and makes sure she gets inside safely.
Alex is still on the couch, but the movie has long since finished and she’s just scrolling on her phone. Lena waves at her and Alex stands up and makes her way over.
“Hey, you two. I was wondering if you had fled the country or something.”
Lena smiles at Alex, realizing that she had stayed up to make sure Kara got home safely and it makes her regret not bringing her back right away to stop her worrying. “Sorry, that’s my fault, we were driving around and this one fell asleep, and I didn’t have the heart to wake her.”
Alex smiles fondly at Kara, who is still half asleep and rubbing at her eyes. “Hey, why don’t you go brush your teeth and head to bed?”
“Ok.” Kara takes no persuading, turning to hug Lena before she goes. “Thanks for the ride.”
Lena is a little taken aback by the act but tries not to let it show and hugs her back and then watches her stumble through the apartment to get to the bathroom.
“Thanks for bringing her up.”
“Not at all, I wanted her to be safe,” Lena replies.
Alex stuffs her hands in her pockets, swaying slightly. “Did she tell you?”
“Yeah, she did.”
Alex puffs out an awkward breath before biting the bullet. “I know I don’t have the right to ask you for anything, but do you have any connections that could help her out with a job? She’s terrified of leaving because she’ll have to get one out of her field and it means she’ll have to take a pay cut.”
Lena nods slowly. “I already have someone in mind to call. She told me you’re going to help her look this weekend though too so it might be best that I get in touch with an old friend of mine and then you hand the job over like you found it, I don’t want her to feel like I’m just doing it out of pity or anything.”
“I wish I was as nice as you are.” Alex shakes her head. “You’re like a guardian angel or something.”
“I doubt that, but hey, while I have you here, do you have any updates on what’s going on at work?”
Alex’s face lights up as she remembers what she’s been needing to talk to Lena about. She had quite the eventful day today and she’s got her own business to catch Lena up on. “Actually, yes, can we schedule some time to speak somewhere more…private?”
“Of course.”
Read more chapters of For Her Sake and my other fics early on Patreon here!
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xxbraindeadlyxx · 1 year
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Why I'm trying to recover
I'm tired of numbers controlling my life. I don't want to count and calculate everything. Everything in my life revolves around being as small as possible, no matter what it takes.
I'm so terrified to deviate from what I do every day because I'm afraid any small thing could ruin it. But then I end up in a plateau, binging, isolating myself in shame, and/or burning out and needing to lay in bed for two weeks because I'm doing the most and giving myself the least and I don't get what I'm looking for anyway.
I push myself to do things I don't want to do, and I'm afraid to do things I do want to do. I can't go out with friends, I can't eat with my partner, I can't have a CARAMEL FUCKING MACCHIATO because I'm scared of how the sugar will affect my weight.
It's exhausting, I'm miserable, my health is garbage, and everyone keeps looking at me like I'm hopeless. My hair is brittle, my skin is angry, I'm a fall risk, my digestive process is unpleasant, and my periodic binges are cutting into my food budget-There Are So Many Reasons. The biggest reason is that I want to LIVE.
I just had top surgery last month, and I am so happy. I feel at home in my body and don't want to punish it anymore. At this point, it's compulsory. I do it because I feel like I should. It's been like 10+ years.
It's so hard to let these habits go. I'm still counting calories in my head, avoiding certain food and ingredients, and I'm still bodychecking. Every time I go to the mirror, I check everything. I stand there for way too long, looking at myself. I still want all the same things I wanted before I decided to recover. I still want the body I idealized in my head all these years. But I also know that it's not about the number on the scale or whether or not I can wrap my fingers around my bicep; it's about reaffirming my control over myself. But I have lost control of the situation. So I'm not going to frantically grasp at control anymore.
I'm going to (try very hard to) accept that I can not have complete and total control over everything all the time. Or even most of the time. Unpredictability is part of life, and starving myself will not protect me from future pain nor make up for what happened in previous situations where I didn't have control. Neither will substance abuse or self-harm. I have to find safety in other ways. I have to comfort myself in other ways. And figuring that out is hard, but worth it.
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ina-nis · 1 year
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I know we're supposed to accept ourselves, but we live under this social system and I'm tired of struggling under it. I'm tired of being a downer. I'm tired of feeling so lonely and isolated. I don't want to drive people away. I just want to belong. I want to feel accepted. I have to mask better. I wish I could mask better. Please, tell me how to do it
I don't think we need to completely accept ourselves, especially if that means accepting parts of ourselves that are distressing or impact our quality of life. We change what we can, we work through the rest but in the end of the day, you can be upset about yourself. Sometimes reality really sucks. If accepting yourself means invalidating those feelings of frustration, sadness, anger, etc that you feel about yourself... is it really acceptance?
From what I've seen, AvPD and depression usually walk together, they're best friends: you feel bad and you isolate, if you have people close to you, they might reach out... until they stop because you never really get "better". It gets tiring. That could be your situation, that could be mine. Regardless, AvPD "helps" pushing people away and keeping you alone. Even if you don't push people away, you can't force them to stay or accept you. Either way, you lose. Sometimes, you win, but I haven't won enough to tell you how. I'm hoping to get more victories as the treatment progresses...
It's not your fault. It's not my fault. Society is not equipped to accommodate people like us, so we bend and twist ourselves trying to fit into boxes that will never fit... I think it's possible to find connection in places and amidst people like us, and you won't have to mask - they know what it's like, because they deal with it, too. I think it's simpler to narrow it down and go from there, other than chasing after people, trying to belong and be accepted.
I don't know if this is going to give you any comfort but I was thinking like you a few months ago. Things changed. Not because I feel more connected and less isolated but because I have a better understanding of myself and the disorder. It takes time.
I'm back to where I started, avoidance at full force, but I can't skip any steps… the "making friends", "belonging" and "acceptance" are all the way at the finishing line - that's why all my attempts at socializing ended up making me more miserable and lonely. Masking didn't quite work for me either. I don't think it works for a disorder this complex, only as a stopgap. Sometimes, we need stopgaps to get by, but I guess the only way out is through. I can see the good outcomes in the "finishing line", but I'm still trying to figure out how to get there.
I see you and I see your struggle, I'm tired of struggling too. It fucking sucks. I wish I had something more reassuring to tell you other than this all really isn't your fault and society is very ableist against anyone who's different. The fact that you're alive and trying improve your life even though it's so excruciating is something to be proud of.
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life's been okay. nothing special. days just keep on going. ive had a job for bout 2 weeks. ig thats not really an achievement tbh.
before this, that work from home place i was barely working, prolly 5-10 hours a week. and i'd slither out of those where possible anyway. this one week i worked a whopping 2 hours within 2 weeks. I was planning on killing myself and occasionally tried to all throughout having those jobs so i wasn't really worried about the consequences
before that the only other in person job i had was for my ex best friend. she worked there so i applied and got a job o work with her. only for her to quit 2 weeks after i got in whiich lead me to quit prolly a week n a half later cause i finally got fed up with the manager.
so now, even tho it ain't the longest ive held down a place, its the first that i really cared to put in effort to hold a job.
im semi celebrating but im honestly miserable. my feet hurt so fucking bad so it literally doesnt matter how good my hours are i never want to leave my bed. the people up there are so cliquey and on my 2nd day out of training one of my coworkers went off on me for going too slow and "not putting in my part". theyre starting to give me longer and longer shifts. i went from working 3-4 8 hour shifts per week to working 3 doubles just like that. they sooo generously give an hour and a half break in between the 6:30-3 and 4:30-8 shift but.. who in their right mind is even leaving atp? i live too far for that. i'd be home for at most an hour. waste of gas.
and to me what's worse, this whole situation is exactly what i've been avoiding. i knew it'd come down to this someday. but what alternative do i have?
HA. you know as a kid, i never understood addiction. I never thought I'd have to deal with it. By the time I was 8 I knew I'd kill myself someday. if i ever felt bad, that'd be what i'd do. no need to force myself to do something i didnt really wanna do. but now it seems so easy. i don't know what i wanna do from here. i hate my job. i hate my home life. i dont like to talk to my friends anymore. im bored of games. im bored of music. bored of tv.
whisking the days away doing what i have to would be a lot easier if i didnt have to be fully present for all of this. just something to pass the time until i have a better handle on what's the next move. right now, the only thing i can do is save up money. i have shit to pay off if i wanna keep a good credit score and i have things i need to buy. what's me hating every second gonna change?
though i know it's a slippery slope. abusing shit aint gon work out as smooth as I wish it would. I'll get addicted and then I'll get used to feeling that way so it'll take more for me not to get annoyed. then it'll turn back to me immediately running back to it for every minor situation. and honestly with the job i got i'd just have to hope i would be able to push through it without it being noticeable
i'm not happy i stopped. i feel like had i still been on dph i would've known for a fact how to make myself look normal. i could be gone out my mind but long as i get the shit right i could just daze through the days. but ya know. now. i ratted myself out
and now im stuck.
nothing more for me to do. nothing else i could be doing. nothing else i should be worried about other than making money
I never understood why adults always told me i'd miss being a kid since i was always struggling so bad. all they ever said is that my problems then were gonna feel like nothing once i was an adult. but they were wrong. i guess for now. but all i wish now is that i used all that freetime back when nooo one woulda suspected anything if i was away for a lil while. back when i wasnt ful grown and it'd prolly take a whooole lot less to finish the job
but here we are. forced to keep going and doing what i can to suppress what i really wanna do
ah speaking of which... i got pissed the other day and i tossed one of my drawers and broke it. then broke my bottle for my vitamins by throwing it to the ground. then i accidentally knocked over this container of beads and instead of just sweeping it back into the thing and reducing the mess, i just kicked it as hard as i could and tore the container apart. there's still beads everywhere
that is something i can't force myself to contain anymore. everything else i've been dealing with fine but when im pissed im pissed. i gotta get that under control too
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power-chords · 2 years
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I thought of a good question: are there any bands that you love but that you would never want to see live? For me i loved my chemical romance for a long time but at this point in my life even though theyre touring again it wouldnt satisfy anything to see them. would give my right toe to see julian Casablancas again either w the strokes or w the voidz but i have definitely seen him have diva moments for like an entire set which is a fear lol. Theres also.. ozzy who im just scared will fucking die on stage 😐
You bet. A lot of them, to be honest. Mostly it's a size/venue/logistics thing. I really don't like arena shows and avoid them entirely if I can help it. Same with seated theaters. I have a pathological need to be front row or right up against the barricade, so above a certain saturation point of popular appeal, making that happen becomes a HUGE pain in the ass and/or expense. I saw Muse at Summerstage in 2017, and I was in line from 10 AM until doors. It's fun when you're hanging out on blankets in Central Park in mid-July. In most other situations, queuing for that long just outright sucks. It's a feat of endurance. I cannot imagine being an MCR fan, I would be miserable.
This is why I don't see Muse anymore*, or NIN very often, and why I'll probably pass on the next Queens of the Stone Age tour. Second row GA for QOTSA at the Garden was the only time I've looked behind me at a music venue and felt a surge of panic. No visible exits, just a wall of people going about 75 feet straight back.
There's also the "I Hate That Guy" factor. Love Marilyn Manson's music. I still listen to his records. They're great. As a human being, he repulses me, and I don't want to give him any more of my money. Not that I think he'll be on the road anytime soon.
*The fact that their music has taken a precipitous turn for the worse in recent years doesn't help, either.
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kingsshilling · 2 years
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okay stealing some q's from those posts but for both of the lads:
If they had a theme song, what would it be?
How does your character behave around people they dislike?
What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?
this got REALLYYYY long sorry oh my god so I’m gonna put it under a read more, thank you soooo so so much though I really, really loved answering these :]
If they had a theme song, what would it be?
THIS IS SO HARD!!!!!
I have a spotify playlist for songs I associate with the story (very very haphazard messy self indulgent and extremely unfinished, every song so far has been thrown in with no rhyme or rhythm beyond that it relates to the story somehow) but it’s so hard to choose just one for each of them...
Keeping in mind that I would probably change this answer at a moment’s notice if I had to choose JUST one for each right now (links go to youtube):
Éamonn: Night of the Swallow - Kate Bush
Give me a break!
Oh, let me try!
Give me something to show
For my miserable life!
Give me something to take!
Would you break even my wings
Like a swallow?
Bedwyr: Time - Pink Floyd
Tired of lying in the sunshine, staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun
but because I can’t actually choose just one...  War Baby - Tom Robinson (the live acoustic version cus it has an extra verse that kills me) (to be interpreted with Bedwyr as the subject of the song rather than the narrator.. we know who the narrator would be)
AND the song which I consider The song for Éamonn and Bedwyr, The Chosen One - Bread (“I was the blues and you were my sunshine friend” “You are the sea and I am the sailor, riding the perfect wave, I could've drowned but you came around and saved me” AAAAAAAAGH)
How does your character behave around people they dislike?
Bedwyr tries to be as patient as possible but if he was already in a bad mood to begin with it can be hard for him not to be sharp with people that are annoying him big time, for the most part he’ll make himself laugh it off but if someone he already has issues with is purposelly trying to get a rise out of him depending on the situation he might either tell them to fuck off or hit them a box lmfao. He’s not above apologising if he thinks he was in the wrong though and will feel bad if he doesn’t but again especially with someone he didn’t like to begin with he can be stubborn as a mule
Éamonn will just silently seethe KJDSNG it actually takes a fair bit for one person to really, really annoy him and piss him off but his usual method of dealing with it is just to get up and leave if there’s an opportunity to do so without making things worse, so he’ll usually just avoid people he dislikes if he can. He doesn’t have Bedwyr’s strength or stature so he doesn’t let himself lash out physically but he can and Will absolutely slaughter someone with his words if they get to him that badly, but also he’s fairly used to being slagged for numerous reasons so especially if he already has a few drinks in him if someone is purposely trying to vex him he might just openly laugh in their face cus he thinks it’s genuinely funny (which depending on the situation either makes them give up or makes it MUCH worse)
these ended up not really being especially specific to people they dislike JNDFJDNG but for the most part there isn’t really anyone they really don’t like no matter what (Kay is kinddd of that but it’s complicated for Bedwyr and Éamonn again just ignores/avoids him if he can, or finds his attempts at trying to get a rise out of him funny cus he’s already heard everything under the sun) and unless someone is purposely trying to cause harm they just get on with it like most anyone else and have a little complain about it later
What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?
MMMMM this is a very very interesting one.... I think Éamonn really just doesn’t think about it at all or tries not to at least. He’s not especially religious and wouldn’t have been going to mass much as an adult because he was nearly always at sea or otherwise just not able to but he does go occassionally... Naturally though being how he is he takes it all with a huge grain of salt
If you were to ask him directly he would give the easy and cynical answer of “hole in the ground bye” but I think he does believe in some form of an afterlife, he just doesn’t try to go into details about it and doesn’t really think it’s Worth spending much time thinking about it. For much of his teenage years & 20s he believed & had essentially accepted he would either be drowned at sea or just like be found dead in some port town away from home and maybe never be identified or mourned (whereas Bedwyr always had & was aware of the promise of a big family and community who’d look after him) so in terms of if death scares him... I’d say it doesn’t Really scare him so to speak but he doesn’t really like to think about it too deeply either
Bedwyr isn’t really very religious much the same as Éamonn and for many of the same reasons but he still goes to services regularly (more as a community thing than anything) and I think he definitely would’ve believed in the stereotypical image of heaven when he was younger but he kind of ended up a bit like Éamonn (just not to extreme an extent) in that he’s not as definite about how it would be. He still believes in an afterlife where you get to be reunited with your friends and loved ones (including animals lol) and believes in things like your loved ones looking down on you because that brings him a lot of comfort, in contrast with Éamonn who loathes the thought of anyone looking at him ever
Definitely when he was younger after witnessing the death of his father he would’ve been absolutely terrified of the thought and spent many many hours wondering about it all, but as he got older he came to accept it a bit more. He’s still a bit afraid of it but especially after meeting Éamonn and hearing his view of death as something not really worth worrying about because there’s nothing you can do to control it beyond keeping yourself healthy, it’s not something that really, really bothers him to the extent it used to anymore
thank you so much again for these!!! and sorry for the length JDGJJND I answered a lot of questions that weren’t actually here I think but hopefully my answers are somewhat interesting......
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iscariotsss · 2 years
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I keep seeing social media posts repeating the notion that Bread In Europe is magically safe for gluten intolerant or gluten sensitive people to eat because they don't get sick with the implication that it's Something In The Bread in America and now im gonna complain about this ridiculosity on my anonymous diary blog
1. Wheat Gluten is Wheat Gluten there's no magic toxin that is or isn't there in America vs Europe. There is more sugar in most American store bought bread than in Europe (so I have read I've never been outside the country im talking out my ass) However that's different than a gluten sensitivity? That's sugar these are two separate digestion issues. Also normal standard bread without added sugar, if you are not living in a food desert which im assuming you are not because you can afford to go to Europe, is completely no effort to find and buy just Do That christ alive put the smallest effort into your life person who gets to take long vacations to Europe and eat out at every meal
2. Are you walking after your meal in Europe? Small cup of coffee and a walk? This improves gut motility in general and can deeply reduce general common gastric issues. If you're getting back in your car, that's a completely different digestion environment for the food you eat. Give it a whirl at home eat the same thing twice once being sedentary after and another replicating your Walking City In Europe walk
3. Stress is a Huge Enormous factor in gastric health. Huge! It's completely normal for food sensitivities to reduce when stress is reduced (such as On Vacation). This is why most GI depts prescribe NOT avoiding trigger foods but chilling out and not worrying about it. Again I'm talking general IBS and or sensitivities, Not ulcerative colitis and or crohns and or a mast cell disorder or severe allergy. Like, if you can travel to Europe and safely eat wheat pasta and wheat bread because it's not a danger to you but it does make your life pretty miserable but no lasting harm at home in America.
4. I'm just repeating point 2 just. Try taking a lil walk after you eat. Read up on gut motility this is huge. Also joyful social low key exercise such as a walk or whatever small thing to your ability can reduce your stress and improve your touchy digestive system situation
Anyway this Magic Toxins In American Food thing is sure infuriating when it's coming from people with the wealth of choices luxury of expensive travel and obvious access to the option of higher quality food. Do better and shut up about it donate some of that money to a food bank where people Have To Eat the sugar bread if that's what's available come off it Jesus fucking christ
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ghostalmost · 2 years
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can’t even describe how much i wish the country wasn’t designed around driving everywhere and everyone having a car and fuck anyone and everyone who doesn’t have a car for any reason or has any kind of problem with driving all the time
my anxiety around driving is so high that driving anywhere other than work (which is somewhat easier to tolerate because i drive that same route at least 4 times a week and i know it really well) has me in a state where i’m using like 90% of my mental capacity to not go into full blown panic and possibly do something incredibly stupid and dangerous. yesterday i did a very short drive (around 4 miles total) and just that was enough to put a damper on my whole day because for the whole morning i was dreading it and obsessing over what route to take to avoid the busy streets, and i was completely drained when i finally got back home. putting aside that it’s not safe for someone to drive in that condition anyway, putting aside how car dependent cities are always ugly and nasty and broke, putting aside how catastrophic the car centric design has been for the environment. PUTTING ALL THAT ASIDE it just.. feels kind of unfair that i have to deal with that in order to go anywhere?
i know i can’t be the only one with this problem, and it’s likely that most other people who do, have it worse than me. i live really close to a good grocery store that just takes a few minutes to walk to, and the small city where i live is surprisingly good about alternative transportation options for an american city. also worth noting that obviously i’m physically capable of driving, and could afford to buy a car. my relatively good situation is partly down to good luck and privilege, and partly down to me, over the years, basing some major life decisions largely around trying to reduce driving anxiety as much as possible.
but still, i work in the next town over, where housing is basically nonexistent, so i have to drive to work. it’s about 26 miles each way. it’s taking years off my life, and it’s expensive as fuck, especially now. but i have to do it, or else i’d have to give up my job, which i love and which is among few jobs i can do that wouldn’t end up, uh, sending my mental health issues above survivable limits, let’s say. AGAIN, i’m really lucky that i got this job and was able to come to this place at all! given that many many people aren’t so lucky, it’s completely fucking unacceptable that driving is necessary to be able to live.
tl;dr driving is dangerous, miserable, expensive, pollutive, and it really sucks to be forced to do it all the time, especially when you’re fucked up with anxiety or other worse problems. and it sucks even more that this means in many places, people who can’t drive or afford a car are fucked
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venomous-spade · 3 days
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You have no idea how completely deluded and totally self-absorbed you have to be to really think everyone who hates you is actually jealous of you. That's some shit your mom told you because you had no friends growing up.
You have nothing that I want, dude. My car is better than yours, my living situation is better than yours, I have more money than you do, my partner is more successful than yours, and I look better than you do. You telling yourself I want to be like you is projection. You wish you had a tenth of the shit I have going for me in my life.
What I really want is for you to be miserable until you eventually just disappear. That's what I want. I don't want to be anything like you, everything you are is everything I think is completely wrong with the world. If I were like you, I'd be a miserable failure.
I want no one to be like you.
I don't want people like you to exist at all.
My biggest problem with you is that you're everything I hate about people. You think everything should be handed to you, you think everyone owes you shit, you have no value for anyone else's time or energy, you're lazy, entitled, annoying, and you have no real individuality at all. You're the prime example of "I'm not like other girls" and it's cringe.
I could give you a thousand legitimate reasons why I think you're a genuinely awful person, but to avoid responsibility for any of it you tell yourself I'm jealous of you.
Here's a recommendation. Name one thing you have that I would actually want.
Think about it.
Your friends are whores, you have no money, everything you own is worth about $100 total, you get fired from every job you get because you're bad at everything, you have like twenty traffic tickets that you've let go to collections, your credit score is in the trash can, your car is at over 100k miles and isn't worth shit, you live in a trap apartment with your drug dealer boyfriend, your family is full of bums, but hey, you have to have at least one thing I want, right?
Legit, one thing. Name one single thing.
You've been saying this "I'm jealous" thing for years, but you should probably be more specific. Before, you could say I was jealous because you were dating my ex, you maybe even would have been right about that for awhile, but you can't really say that now.
Since he and I are getting married.
So what am I really jealous of now?
Let's talk about that.
People don't hate you because they're jealous of you.
People hate you because you're horrible.
There's no way you don't know that.
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