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#(tbh i think it's an anxiety thing and a gender thing and a gender/presentation anxiety thing wrapped in one. but that's beside the point)

icy-cold-bitch-latte · 1 year

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How the Sides would comfort a trans reader who's feeling dysphoric

A/N: this is gender neutral so it can be read by any of my fellow trans peeps who's dysphoria has got them feeling down ✌✌

Warnings: talk of dysphoria, Remus in general lol

Patton

Patton gives you all the hugs, kisses and cuddles ever in order to cheer you up

He's very proud that you decided to tell him how you feel rather than bottling it up because he knows from personal experience that repressing your emotions does nothing but makes things worse

He's not the best at cooking but if you have a favorite go to comfort food that makes you feel better then for you he'll definitely try

He ends up wrapping you up in a ton of blankets and pillows and just lays with you on the couch for awhile

Roman

At first, Roman vows to vanquish the beast that's upsetting you...until he realizes it's not a physical threat you're facing, but a mental one

He tries to take your mind off it by telling you stories of his daring adventures, or by putting on your favorite Disney movie, whichever you prefer

He'll call you an enormous plethora of gender affirming pet names until you're basically begging him to stop, and even then he still refuses until you cave and admit what he always believed, that you're perfect in every way

Logan

Logan uses logistics to combat your insecurities by reassuring you that nobody has the power to tell you what gender you are or aren't, regardless of how you present

He makes to sure look up plenty of coping mechanisms and suggestions for how to deal with dysphoria ahead of time so he has ample knowledge and understanding for how to make you feel better

Not the best at comforting you if you happen to get emotional but he might give you a hug or something if it's clear you need one

Virgil

As a conscious being made up of anxiety, Virgil notices your panic and distress as soon as he sets foot in the same room as you (that's probably what urged him to seek you out in the first place tbh)

When you panic, he panics, but he tries to keep it together so you won't notice and get even more upset

He has several tried and true methods that always work to calm people down, so once that happens and you can explain to him what's up he understands almost immediately

If you want to talk about it, great, if not he's content to just listen to music with you and hang out until you feel better

Janus

You being upset, especially over a topic that's so serious, is not something Janus takes lightly

It may appear as though he doesn't care all that much at first due to his stoic expressions, but that's just because he's trying to think of the right thing to say

He may be the literal physical embodiment of deceit, but if you're upset he'll try his best to be honest with you about how much he cares

Brings out all six of his arms so you can have the most amount of cuddles and physical affection all at once

Remus

Remus's comforting skills leave a lot to be desired, so unless you can deal with him making the most random outrageous sex jokes in an effort to cheer you up it's probably best that you just spend some time alone for a bit

He's incredibly clingy however so it won't be long before he comes begging to you for attention, on literal hands and knees might I add

If you do let him stay with you when you're upset you should make it clear to him you're not in any sort of mood to deal with his shenanigans

He'll actually listen for once and the two of you end up pranking the other sides together until you eventually get bored and decide to watch some horror movies instead

Sanders Sides masterlist | 🏷 taglist: @iloveentrapta @feralwenis

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sciencetynan · 1 year

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In case anyone is wondering why I've almost completely stopped taking selfies

Its because that since I came out as Trans and probably the year or two before that when I started to question my gender identity, I developed dysphoria and discontent with my appearance, a lot of it to do with my facial/body hair and how it designates to others that I look like a man, which invites others to misgender me.

I've since grown out my head hair and that makes me feel a bit better, but tbh I'd prefer to make some bigger gender affirming changes before I feel comfortable showing off my face. I'd rather not be reminded of my masculine appearance, when this doesn't mesh with my internal perception of myself.

I am considering HRT and body/facial hair removal and I think after that plus dressing in a more feminine way, I'd feel comfortable enough to take more selfies. I'm still thinking about these things and haven't made a decision.

So for the time being this is why, I'd prefer not to take a lot of selfies. The person in the mirror still doesn't match who I want to present, and things like social anxiety make even making positive changes very hard.

#me #non binary #transgender

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wickedlyqueer · 1 year

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What I meant was you were saying things about how it's bad that Pfanee, a character that you consider privileged, being gender swapped and possibly being lgbt. I was trying to point out that there are other characters that are far more privileged than Glinda's friends. I think it's great that lgbt and pocs are playing major roles. I'm just looking at the reception of the tv reboot of the film Heathers which got criticized for portraying minorities as the villians. sorry for the misunderstanding

Ooooooooh. Your first ask makes a lot more sense now!

So having Pfannee being genderswapped and possibly lgbt isn't necessarily a bad thing. What I worried about in the post you mention is that I don't have very high hopes that this very queer(coded) story is going to be... queer.

Or it's going to be "queer" in the way Disney or big movie franchises do "queer". AKA not relevant to the plot by a meaningless character so the scene can be cut or the line can be edited when distributed in homophobic countries. ((Also.... big studios who do genderfluid and/or non-binary identities? Have you ever seen them doing it right? I already cringe just thinking about what kind of "woke" shit they come up with...)

That was why I responded the way I did with the announcement of Pfannee. I don't care that much if she is queer in the movie, since the announcement I've kinda turned around, and see the shits and giggles of it tbh. I also realized that for Legal Reasons they probably couldn't use Crope or Tibbett (which was my initial reaction. why not use one of them?) bc they are solely book characters and the movies are a legal adaptation of the musical.

So yeah. please don't read that post like it's the pinnacle of a queer theory analysis of the movie adaptation. :') bc it's not. What you read were the initial anxieties of a non-binary queer person who has been Down This Road Before and is terrified that Pfannee is going to be our sole LGBT "representation". That's what worries me.

Like I said before. Substantial gelphie subtext >>>>>>>>>>>>>> a walking gay best friend trope with no narrative relevancy and (possibly) only present in the first movie.

Also on a different note, idek who Bowen Yang is but Michelle Yeoh? FUck yes! I'm very hyped to see what she brings to the role.

#wicked movie #wicked #sam's asks #(i also never watched the heathers tv show so i can't say anything of value on that. sorry!)

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ftm-radio · 2 years

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okay, I'm diverting from the default ask/answer format for this one because there are mentions of sensitive topics. I generally prefer to avoid these topics (though i dont have that posted anywhere, so no worries, anon) but I do want to answer anyway to try and help out.

I'd rather err on the side of caution for anybody who does not wanna read any of this, so I'm putting the ask and my response under a cut.

⚠️cw: brief mentions of sex & horniness, along with concerns about fetishization

Anonymous:

So…I don’t really know how to phrase this but I’m hoping you can help and this isn’t creepy. I’m a straight cis woman and have never had dysphoria beyond what I assumed was normal puberty woes (hated my chest getting bigger, hated getting a period, hated dresses). Recently something came up during sex that put the thought in my head of having a penis and I have not been able to stop thinking about it. I bought a binder and almost screamed with joy at how I looked but chalked it up to looking skinnier without my breasts in the way. (I’ve always had body image issues and I thought it was about weight but now I’m…not sure?)Today, “just to see”, I stuffed my pants with socks and I swear I almost passed out with how amazing it looked and felt. But with each of these explorations has come a really strong, idk how to better phrase it, horniness, like more than I’ve ever felt before when dressing up my female sexiness. So now I’m really confused about whether it’s like I’m just feeling confident and sexy and that’s why vs maybe I’m fetishizing? I don’t know any trans guys so idk if this is normal or if I’m being gross. I’m sorry if this is offensive and weird and you can ignore me if so but i just feel so bad and confused and idk what to do or who to talk to.

okay so right off the bat I wanna assure you that no, this is not creepy, offensive, or weird! you aren't doing any harm by exploring your gender and/or how you present yourself. it's totally fine to try new things and experiment and question! (it can be fun & i feel like more people should do that, tbh.) and I'm not an expert on what is/isn't fetishization, but what you're describing does not sound like fetishization to me. so I hope that helps you feel better and eases some of the anxiety!

Now, there's a lot more to discuss, so I'm gonna get right into it. This will be wordy. Buckle up.

Let's start with dysphoria and euphoria.

You mention hating when your chest got bigger, and I definitely understand that. I didn't actively start disliking my chest until after I realized I could potentially be rid of it, but for as long as I can recall I've been emotionally distant and uninterested in that part of me to such an extent that as a teen I would occasionally, uh... daydream about getting breast cancer and needing to have my breasts removed and then thinking, 'yeah,,, I'd be fine with that.' hahaha #justgirlythings amirite?

You also mention possible body image issues around weight. I'm a fat trans guy, and before I realized I was trans I also thought all my problems with my body all revolved around the fact that I was fat, that that was why I was uncomfortable and why I felt like my body didn't fit. I didn't know anything about dysphoria or trans people until I was an adult, so all I knew growing up was that being fat was "bad" and that's what I got bullied and snickered at for, so *of course* that was why I felt shitty about myself!!! Yeah, not quite. My brain just didn't know what the problem was so I directed all the blame at the thing I did know about.

But nowadays, I'm just not as bothered by my weight/body shape. I felt like my only chance at being happy as a girl (or a.. woman, I guess. ew.) was to be thinner and fit society's beauty standards as much as possible, but now I know that I can be happy just being a guy. any guy. fat, thin, buff, somewhere in between—I'd be content anywhere in that spectrum as long as I'm a guy. It wasn't my size/shape that was the problem, it was my gender, and gender dysphoria. And maybe that's how it is for you, too. it's something to consider, at least.

Okay, moving along! so dysphoria is the crappy part, the discomfort and distress. Let's get to its fun (and much cooler) cousin you may not have heard much about: gender euphoria!

See, what you experienced when you tried a binder & packing for the first time sound quite a bit like gender euphoria to me. In my experience, the first few times you feel euphoria are the most intense and vivid because its a big shock to your system after however many years you've gone feeling not-quite-right. And then after a while you kind of get used to it and it's not quite so overwhelming. It's like first you have these crazy fireworks going off, but then it simmers down to a cozy little candle. Still glowing, still warm, but it's more familiar, more like home.

You also mention feeling a different kind of excitement (horny) and I'm.. not sure I can help you much with figuring that out. 😅 I'm decidedly quite asexual, so I don't have a whole lot of experience with uhhhh sexy feelings and whatnot. I do think you could definitely be feeling way more confident in yourself and your appearance, and that might be what's leading to these feelings, but that's as far as I can guess.

I can at least attest to the fact that binding and presenting more masc made me more confident in my appearance and feel better about myself just like, in general, so for someone who is more inclined to ~sexy feelings~ than I am, I think it would make sense for you to feel hotter? idk, I don't really go here.

now, regarding your worries about fetishizing. I already said before that I don't think that's what's going on (and i still stand by that) but I just want to explain that a little more. Your excitement seems to be focused more on yourself and what you're doing than, say, trans men or trans people in general, so I don't think that's a fetish. If you were specifically lusting after trans guys because of their transness, that would be fetishization, I think. In my opinion, it sounds like you're just feeling yourself out and learning what makes you feel good, and that's perfectly fine. Nothing wrong with that. :)

As for not knowing what to do about all this, I would say that reaching out to somebody (me, in this case) is a great first step. If you're trying to figure yourself out and what you want, then research can help, especially if you don't know a lot about trans people and the lgbt+ community in general. Obviously you found my blog, but there are plenty of others you might find helpful! I specifically recommend @ transgenderteensurvivalguide as they have a lot of info and resources that have helped me out (despite not being a teen, lol).

Another option for you (in addition to research) is to dig down deep and do some journaling!!! yeah. sorry. it's kind of my go-to. write about what you're feeling and ask yourself questions. (If you want a sort-of guide thing for this, I answered another ask recently-ish on my blog where I had a bunch of example questions that i myself have used when journaling.)

If you want to jump right in and try more than binding or packing, you could also try experimenting with what pronouns you use! whether it's in-person with safe people you trust, or with an anonymous account online that your friends/family won't find, that could help you get a sense of what's up!

Okay, i think that's all I've got right now. This wound up pretty long, as per usual, and responding to this took a bit longer than I meant to, but I hope you're still hanging around and this can help you out, anon. I also hope anybody else who reads this can benefit in some small way.

I think one of the most important things for you to do is to go easy on yourself. Gender is way more complicated than our cis-iety (cis society, I 100% stole this word from someone) teaches us. it's okay to be confused and not know quite where you're at, and it's okay if you don't have an answer right away. you have time to figure this out. hell, you can take as long as you want. there's no rush! nobody is standing at the golden Gates of Validation with a stopwatch to see if you're fast enough to get in.

if you have more questions, my inbox is open, and I wish you the best, wherever you end up.

💜

#ftm radio #listener call in #ask #anon #questioning #trans #transgender #ftm #gender questioning #gender identity #gender

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i-want-it-on-fire · 2 years

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Ok I just need to lose my shit for a second. Six months ago I'm like "oh I think I will trans my gender, this is good, this feels right, this feels like me" and now it sort of feels like the universe is just telling me very quietly to get back in the closet, like-

Thought parents would be chill about this since me being a huge queer isn't exactly new? Nope. Totally threw a grenade at our family dynamic. Never felt this distant from them.

Get on hormones? Sure, simple enough. Partner already did the hard work trying to figure the process out for themself, so it should be simpler for me, right? Can't get appointment until August. We may have left the state by then. Still don't have new doctor lined up. Don't know what future of health insurance is because don't know what future of job is.

Change name and pronouns? Hell yeah. And while you're at it, how about your change your work hours to full time. Also you're not out at work. Also you spend the vast majority of your waking hours at work. And when you're not at work, people you're out to rarely have cause to refer to you in conversation. Never hear name and pronouns. Get an opportunity to? Get chided by random hotel guy that I should use my legal name when booking stuff. Too paranoid about getting in trouble to give anyone other than restaurant cashiers my new name for things. It's like nothing's changed.

Actually get a different, masc haircut that feels much better than I thought it would from a stylist who was much cooler than I thought she'd be? Doesn't last. Next cut I get ends up wonky, and instead of looking cute and vaguely boyish I feel like I look like me four-ish years ago with my stupid undercut that just looks weird and bad in pictures. I never even had Gender feelings about my hair until I got a good masc cut, and now it's like, oh great! Now I can have dysphoria about things I never cared about before! Love that for me!!

Like, I'm so pissed, because there's a well-trod anxiety path in my brain that activates whenever I meet even the slightest resistance (perceived or real) to something I'm doing that's maybe a little ambitious or even just, like, difficult for other people to ignore. And that path goes like "I'm really excited to try this new thing, I think I've thought it through enough, and I'm ready to do it!" -> "oh other people don't seem as excited as I am, or they think I haven't thought it through enough, maybe they're right, and I shouldn't be excited?" -> "it's going to take a lot more work to do this than I realized, and now I feel like I'm being annoying, maybe I should dial it back and shut up for a bit" -> "it's getting too hard to keep moving forward with this thing, I'm just going to stop because this idea probably wasn't as good as I thought it was to begin with, and everyone else saw that except me, so I'm going to stop bothering everyone with this." And that path is trying to activate with this, and I'M! NOT! OK! WITH THAT!!

I want to keep pushing forward regardless, and like, I'm gonna because I know my stupid brain is an asshole and wrong, but that doesn't stop it from telling me "Yeah go ahead if you want to, but you're gonna be miserable the whole time because everyone else can tell that, tbh, this isn't going to work. This is a silly look on you, why would you expect anyone to take you seriously? You're setting yourself up to be disappointed over and over again. Just give up, don't bother correcting people or trying to present as something you're clearly not. It's better to take the path of least resistance. You'll at least keep your peace of mind that way by accepting it and not letting it get to you."

And I'm like...not having a good time

#I should start tagging my personal posts #haven't had any sad/angry gender feels in a while so I guess it was about time for some more

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artflameball · 2 years

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Presenting: my OCs!

Raven, Skylar, Myra, Jasmine, Carissa, and Vlad!

More info under the cut.

(PLEASE reblog art and add comments about it, and don't like it! Reblogging is the only way artists like me can grow, and comments are what gives us validation, which helps boost confidence in art skills!)

So ages ago, I tried starting a roleplay with these OCs with barely a story in mind. It failed, obviously, but I did make designs with picrew for them. I've been thinking about them again lately, so I decided to remake them. I'll probably make a blog focused on them, but maybe not. Who knows. You guys can send asks about them here too, that'd work too.

So, let's go down the list and show these characters!

Raven

Sexuality: Lesbian

Gender: Feminine-presenting demigirl

Age: Early mid-twenties

Goes nonverbal when stressed

Forgetful

Black-and-white morality

Himbo energy

Takes being wrong hard

The main character! Stubborn as hell, a big adrenaline junkie, and DEFINITELY undiagnosed ADHD, this somewhat forgetful adventurer's biggest visible weakness is her social anxiety and lack of self care. Her thirst for danger can get her into trouble, and she can get WAY in over her head, but she's always been a fast healer, so she keeps going, scars be damned. Hell, they're a bit like badges for her! She gets to run from the bad people, and gets a cool scar? Why wouldn't you wanna do that? Who cares about getting hurt? She heals.

She woke up four years ago. She didn't know who she was. She still doesn't.

Skylar

Sexuality: Queer ace

Gender: Genderfluid, presentation depends on mood

Age: Mid-twenties

Easily overwhelmed

Can overthink

Raven's best friend! Cheerful, bubbly, and happy, Skylar is a confident social butterfly who's kind to everyone not her. She's loving and sweet, always having comfort food she made herself to share with her friends. But don't mistake that for naivety - she's excellent at reading people, and she keeps Raven from getting herself hurt on a lot of her adventures. She's protective of Raven. Very protective.

She can't lose her. Not again. She wouldn't be able to handle that.

Myra

Sexuality: Not straight

Gender: Cis woman, neutral presenting

Age: Centuries old

Powerful elf

Ah, Myra. The powerful, mysterious elf. Barely willing to talk to anyone, an unstoppable force, a powerful elf, a liar liar LIAR. She's withdrawn, clever, a tad selfish, and whenever she's with Raven and Skylar, she leads them with grace. The way she holds herself is almost regal, and the respect she commands with her mere presence doubly so. She's closed off and cold, yet will do what is right.

She misses her old love so much, she barely sees what she herself has turned into.

Jasmine

Sexuality: Not straight

Gender:

Age: Early forties

Main villain

Has killed people who get in their way

Started the fucking main conflict (a war)

God. Jasmine. What is there to say about them? They're strong and confident, cold and regal, calm and collected, and full of pure villainous panache. They're incredible in a fight, second to one. They're out to get as much power as they can, but they treat all their schemes like games. They toy with the main trio, not letting them die because that'd be boring.

There's a spot of warmth when it comes to their right-hand girl. As if they'd admit it.

Carissa

Sexuality: Queer

Gender: Come back later

Age: Early mid-twenties

I made her first she's my favorite tbh

Six feet tall

My bestie is in love with her and I don't blame him she looks like a goddess imo

Carissa. God. Confident, strong, a polar opposite to Jasmine in every way, and yet their closest confidant. She's flirty, though they're TERRIBLE at handling being flirted with, and she's easily flustered. She always wears a strange amulet and if you fucking touch it she'll RIP YOU APART She's a very emotional person, letting them run her most of the time, and is distracted easily by little things.

She's confused, stunned, on the verge of breaking down. Ghosts aren't real, she knows that. Yet whenever she faces the main trio, she sees one of flesh and blood.

Vlad

Sexuality: Omni

Gender: Surprisingly, a cis man (though very gnc)

Age: Mid twenties

I designed him to murder my friend and fucking succeeded

He's a demon btw

Vlad is a loner with a HUGE crush on Carissa. They flirt with each other, he allies with her often, but he classifies himself as neutral. He's a badass with demon powers and the ability to summon wings i was too lazy to draw. Despite his outward experience as a bad boy, he's quite respectful, always asking for boundaries, stopping when people tell him, and just drinking his respect women juice daily.

He can be perfect if he tries. It's possible. He can be perfect. If he's not... Who cares? He may as well not matter.

#shards #cassie draws #shards of the moon and stars #raven #skylar #myra #jasmine #carissa #vlad #my ocs

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spencers-renaissance · 3 years

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you know that a boy who likes boys is a dead boy

Summary: Spencer's gay. He joins the BAU and befriends the team, but it is 2003. It's a secret he has to keep. He just didn't expect it to be this hard.

Tags: gay!spencer, coming out, hurt/comfort, insecure!spencer, misunderstandings, angst with a happy ending, dad hotch, protective!hotch, protective!derek, childhood trauma TW: one instance of explicit homophobia, but it is referenced a lot, as is Spencer's internalised homophobia at the start of this fic. A shit ton of heteronormativity but tbh that's just canon lol

Pairing: Spencer Reid/OMC, Spencer Reid & Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid & Aaron Hotchner, The BAU Team & Spencer Reid

Word Count: 6k

Masterlist // Read on AO3

Consider this my contribution to pride month 😌 I've waited so long to post it and I'm so glad I'm finally doing it because it's definitely one of my all time favourites <3 Gideon is here somewhere but just like with all my early season fics he's not really part of the plot I combined my moreid and gen taglists bc it was hard to know the audience for this, but just ignore it if you're not interested!

you know that a boy who likes boys is a dead boy, unless he keeps his mouth shut, which is what you didn’t do, because you are weak and hollow and it doesn’t matter anymore. — richard siken, a primer for the small weird loves

Spencer has only told one person in his whole life.

His mother guessed. For as long as he can remember, she’s used gender neutral pronouns when talking about his future partner, read him all the gay literature she could find, promised him that he’s perfect just the way he is.

The trouble is that Spencer only believes her until the first grade, when Ryan Sampson shoves him over in the playground and calls him gay. His mom had only ever used that term in a sweet, loving way, taking care to associate such words with positivity, as long as his dad wasn’t around to hear. When that word comes out of Ryan Sampson’s mouth, it is not said with sweetness and love; it is said with venom, and Spencer learns quickly that his mom is wrong. He is not perfect just the way he is.

And so, he keeps it a secret. When his mom notices him getting uncomfortable at the mention of future partners, she stops bringing it up, though she refuses to give up the diverse education she provides for him outside of school. His dad tells him that one day he’ll be a strapping young man and marry a nice girl in a church, and Spencer nods along. He ignores the way his stomach turns with anxiety at the thought. Ignores the screaming match his parents have that night. Ignores the fact that it started because Diana chipped in with ‘or boy’.

He’s in high school by the time he’s twelve, and the only part he’s grateful for is the absence of pressure to get a girlfriend. His dad’s out of the picture now, and Spencer tries not to let himself think that maybe if he wasn’t like this he might have stayed. Diana’s so out of it most days that she doesn’t remember what she noticed about him when he was a child, only recalling the last few years of shoving himself so far back in the closet he can hardly see the door anymore.

It feels like he’s lost his last ally.

(He hates that a small part of him feels relieved she doesn’t remember; that he almost feels assured by the fact that the last person to know who he really is has forgotten. There is only this version of Spencer Reid now. No other exists.)

He makes the mistake during his second undergraduate degree. He’s just turned eighteen but he is already a doctor and, fortunately, this alienates him from most of his peers, but someone manages to slide past his defences. Ethan Miller is twenty, in the second year of his (first) undergraduate degree in Chemical Engineering, and he’s nice. Spencer doesn’t have a lot of experience with friendship, but they get on well and Ethan makes him laugh. For the first time, he feels comfortable in the presence of anyone other than his mother.

They slip into an easy friendship: waiting for each other after class — Spencer back in the undergraduate buildings now he has his first PhD under his belt — and going out for ice cream and pizza and Thai food. Ethan goes to parties while Spencer studies, and then they reconvene to watch Doctor Who and play cards.

For almost a year, Spencer keeps his secret carefully locked up, hidden behind the mask he’s perfected after so many years. Even though he’s eighteen, nearly nineteen now, he doesn’t try and explore that side of himself. No, that’s far too risky. He doesn’t try and pretend any other way either, he just stays silent and lets people’s assumptions lie for him, but he can’t help the longing that claws up his throat when he locks eyes with a passing guy on campus. One time, he’d seen two men kiss on a bench in the city, and he’d run back to his dorm and had a panic attack. Why couldn’t he have that?

The feelings don’t stop, and he doesn’t know how to make them. He hates that he isn’t normal, but still longs for the touch of a man, the feeling of being wrapped up in strong arms, of being kissed by dry, chapped lips, and falling asleep to a heartbeat approximately 11% slower than that of a woman’s.

It’s a constant battle inside him, emotions raging, and he struggles to control it, suppress it, tame it.

He pays a sorry price.

Ethan makes him feel comfortable, and that turns out to be a detriment. He relaxes around the other boy: he tells him about growing up as a pre-teen in a high school, about how a child feels living 260 miles away from home, even about his mother’s illness.

And one day, it slips out. They’re on the beach, lying on towels as they look up at the blue sky, talking about what their futures will look like: Ethan will be a successful chemical engineer in Berlin, and Spencer will work for the FBI, profiling serial killers.

“You’ll have to marry a German girl,” he tells Ethan. “It’ll be tough to convince an American girl to move all the way to Germany as soon as you graduate.”

“Yeah, and what about you? You’ll be off fighting crime around the country, not much of a life for a family.”

“Oh, I imagine my husband will be the type to—”

“Husband?”

Spencer freezes. It shocks him as much as it shocks Ethan. He doesn’t even pay much attention to Ethan’s disgusted face and his outraged tirade. He hears slurs and insults, hears him say that he can’t believe Spencer tricked him like this, that he was probably waiting to make a move on him, that he was never to look in Ethan’s direction again, but Spencer is frozen in time.

He’s never allowed him to think much about what his personal life might look like in the future, but he’d said ‘husband’ on instinct, without thinking, and it’s clearly something he actually wants. Ethan’s words sting, but the moment brings about a realisation Spencer is thankful for; it instigates a journey of self-discovery and self-expression, of the joy of living as your true self.

He loses his first and only friend, but he gains something much more valuable. He visits gay bars — nervously sipping a non-alcoholic drink in the corner at first, before soon becoming confident enough to respond to the men who sidle up to him and ask for his name. He lets go and dances the night away, sometimes going home with one of the many dance partners he acquires during the night, sometimes heading back to his own dorm happily alone.

Makeup and dresses and skirts and heels make their way into his wardrobe, and he befriends girls and drag queens and other gay men who encourage him to be exactly the way he is. And the best part is, he never has to come out to any of them. All of them know, and that’s good enough for everyone.

The fun comes to a sad sort of slow, however, when he joins the BAU. Everyone knows law enforcement’s relationship with the LGBT community is less than adequate — Spencer’s seen it with his own eyes: butch lesbians and men in dresses getting roughed up by angry police officers for ‘lewd behaviour’ or ‘drunkenness’ when they’re just being themselves. It’s not safe for him to tell anyone, so he doesn’t.

He still goes out with his friends when he’s in town and wears makeup and dresses and crop tops when he’s at home, but presents as rigidly straight Dr Spencer Reid to his team at the BAU.

The hardest part about it is that he loves his team. He’s known Gideon for years — and he wouldn’t be surprised if he suspects something after coming over to his house unannounced one night, only to have a man other than Spencer open the door — but he settles into a comforting dynamic with Hotch. He can’t help but see him as something of a father figure, and he knows Hotch has a soft spot for him, always looking out for him and taking him under his wing without a moment’s hesitation.

Elle, JJ, and Penelope all take a shine to him, too, teasing him without a hint of malice in their tones, only the kind of playful kindness that reminds him of his mother. He forms a special bond with Penelope and they spend hours watching Doctor Who together and geeking out on all the areas their interests overlap, and the comfort he feels with her matches the comfort he’s found with his new group of queer friends.

(She doesn’t hold a candle to Ethan, he decides one night, after he’d cried at a movie she’d made him watch and she felt so bad she made him hot chocolate and jam toast and cuddled him until he felt better.)

Derek becomes a brother to him. He puts him in a headlock at least once a day — which Spencer has been reliably informed by multiple sources is a very brotherly thing to do — and teases him relentlessly, while simultaneously being fiercely protective of him. Enough so, that Spencer sometimes wonders if he even has Hotch beat in that department.

He loves his team and his team loves him. It should be simple. It is still 2003.

He comes in one morning late for a briefing, his shirt buttoned wrong and his hair is a mess, and he’s fairly sure that his attempt to cover the hickey at the base of his neck with concealer has been ultimately unsuccessful. It’s obvious why he’s late. Gideon is too engrossed in the case file to notice, but Hotch raises an eyebrow, an amused look on his face as everyone else immediately takes to teasing him.

“Who’s the lucky lady, pretty boy?”

Elle raises an eyebrow to match Derek’s shit-eating grin, “Someone definitely got some strange last night.”

“When do we get to meet her, Spence?” JJ asks, smirking as he takes a seat.

He’s bright red — as if he needed to look any more debauched — and Spencer tries to ignore the hurt that seizes his chest at the reminder of his need to stay quiet. This team respects him, and he can’t throw that away just because Spencer gets too comfortable.

God, he wishes Penelope was here.

“None of your business,” he mutters, trying to keep his tone light. He fails.

Naturally, Hotch notices and swiftly moves the briefing on, and Spencer keeps his gaze locked on the case file, not missing the absence of a reprimand from his superior. He’s constantly thankful for the older man, but in this moment, he wishes he could hug him.

(A voice that sounds dangerously close to Ethan’s rises up and taunts him in his ear: he wouldn’t want a dirty homo like you anywhere near him—)

Derek doesn’t let up on the case, continuing to bug him about the special lady in his life. He does concede that it could’ve been a one night stand, which is one front he’s right on, but a couple more concessions are necessary before Derek comes close to the truth of last night.

Eventually, Derek stops, and Spencer notes that the cessation of comments comes suspiciously close to the last time Derek and Hotch were alone together. He doesn’t have it in him to feel angry at Hotch for stepping in when he had it handled; doesn’t have the energy to act as though his pride is wounded, because really, neither of those things are true, and he doesn’t need to add another item to ‘Spencer Reid’s List of Things He Pretends to Be.’

The situation is forgotten, and time moves on.

Things change when he finds his first proper boyfriend. He doesn’t know what he was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t the giddying rush of emotions it turns out to be, and Spencer spends his days smiling as he daydreams his time away.

His name is Oscar Wilkins, a History professor at Georgetown University, and Spencer falls quickly in love with him. Ever since their mutual friend had introduced them at a gay bar one evening, they’d spent all their free time together. He’s kind and gentle and understanding of Spencer’s hectic and unpredictable job, and he finally has the chance to experience everything he quietly and shamefully longed for as a teenager.

The only downside is the silent breaking of Spencer’s heart that the most important people in his life can’t meet his boyfriend. He longs to show Oscar off, to hold hands in front of his team, lean up to press a tender kiss to Oscar’s lips. He wants to put a framed picture of the two of them at the Washington Monument on his desk to remind him of why he needs to get through the hard days; he doesn’t want to have to sneak out of the hotel room he shares with Derek to whisper hushed, loving goodnights over the phone.

But he’s too scared. Too cowardly.

It’s different being who he is with his gay group of friends littered with wlws and drag queens and other gay and bisexual guys. They understand.

But Derek and Hotch are two extremely masculine, alpha men: Derek’s a ladies’ man and Hotch is married to a woman he met in college with a baby on the way and both have a strong and dominant energy that still sometimes manages to intimidate Spencer even after all these years. And Elle and JJ are lovely — some of his closest friends, really — but sometimes they remind him a little too much of the mean girls he went to high school with.

The hardest person to keep his secret from, though, is Penelope. She’s his best friend and he desperately wants to give her all of him, but he’s so scared. He’s lost a best friend to this secret before, and even though he’s certain she’d be fine with it, what if she accidentally let it slip to Derek? What if Hotch found out and didn’t see him in the same light anymore? What if the girls started teasing him? What if Gideon didn’t want to mentor him anymore?

The fear paralyses him. And it’s a cycle he doesn’t know how to break.

Fear, though, doesn't stop everyone from noticing his daydreaming, his dopey smile when he checks his messages, his urgency to get home where he would’ve stayed until the small hours of the morning before. As excellent as he is at hiding his sexuality, he’s fucking terrible at hiding the fact that he’s in love: it was easy enough to pretend he was straight, but hiding something this all-consuming is an impossible ask.

Derek comes over to perch on the edge of his desk one afternoon, sighing as he sits down. “Pretty boy, this is getting ridiculous,” he says, snatching Spencer’s attention away from his phone. “You’ve been grinning like an idiot for the last twenty minutes as you’ve texted Future Mrs Reid. When are we going to meet her?”

(He hates the new nickname the team has given his mystery significant other, although Oscar had found it hilarious. “It’s funny because when we get married, we’ll hardly be able to tell,” he’d argued through his laughter. “Neither of us will change our name because of our academic profiles, and we’ll both still be ‘Dr’. Our wedding rings will be the only indicator.”

Spencer hadn’t argued back, because he’d been too tongue-tied and flushed pink at Oscar’s use of ‘when’ in regards to their hypothetical nuptials. It was only made bearable by Oscar kissing him gently and tucking him under his arm, not embarrassing him any further as Spencer had sort of anticipated, warmth settling over his chest at the thought of their future together.)

“You won’t,” he replies, perhaps a little too curtly.

Derek starts at that, clearly not expecting it. He definitely should’ve tried to play it off as a joke. “What— should I be offended, pretty boy?”

You wouldn’t call me that if you knew who I really am.

“That’s up to you, Derek,” he says calmly, although he still can’t meet his eyes, “but you won’t meet the ‘Future Mrs Reid, so I think it would probably be best if you left it alone.”

“Damn,” Derek mutters under his breath, clearly pissed off and probably more hurt than Spencer ever intended. “Suit yourself.”

And with that, he gets up and leaves his desk. Spencer’s only solace is the text message he sees on his phone when he picks it back up: I love you so much. You know that, right?

The light-hearted ridicule comes to an abrupt halt after the incident with Derek, and it’s clear that he had been the biggest contributor to the teasing. He’s thankful that the jokes have stopped, but he wishes desperately that it didn’t come with the growing distance between him and his team. Loneliness takes the place of his previous irritated anxiety, and he isn’t sure what’s worse.

It all comes to a head at the end of a case in Michigan. They’re stuck in the lounge of the small inn they’d stayed in the last few days, a snowstorm having blocked them in and grounded the jet, although Gideon had long since retreated to his room. The fire’s going and they’re the only guests around, so it’s cosy enough, but Spencer can’t help but feel sick at the idea of another night away from home.

It’s only been two weeks since he’d snapped at Derek, but the chasm between him and the team is only widening with each passing day. He knows it’s not a case of ‘pick a side’, but the team’s morale relies on light-hearted banter and teasing, and him not being a part of that anymore has only brewed awkwardness. Everyone’s trying to give him space when space is the last thing he wants.

Oscar’s keeping him company over the phone at least, but it’s not quite enough to quell the loneliness swimming around his stomach, and the 'discrete' sideways looks he gets from the team only make him feel worse.

“At least it’s nice and toasty in here,” JJ sighs as she takes a sip of the hot chocolate the kindly inn owner had made for them all.

Elle hums in agreement. “There are worse places to be grounded.”

“I dunno, man, I just wanna get home,” Derek says, not taking his eyes off the fire. Spencer can’t help but agree.

“Oh, come on,” Hotch muses, considerably more jovial now the case is over, “we’re here, and that’s not going to change any time soon. We should make the most of it.”

“It’s at least nice to be somewhere sort-of Christmassy now it’s December,” Elle points out. “We could be stuck in a dingy police station like we probably will be next week.”

“Ooh, I noticed that Jemimah and Kiran started planning the Christmas party last week,” JJ says, smiling at them. “I offered my help, but they seem to have it covered.”

Hotch raises an eyebrow“That’s probably a good thing. You don’t need more work on your plate.”

“Not gonna argue with that,” she murmurs, smiling as she brings her mug to her lips again.

Spencer doesn’t miss that Derek is still stewing on the opposite side of the room.

“Are you looking forward to the Christmas party, Spencer? Will you come?” Hotch asks, clearly trying to rope him into the conversation, which he appreciates. He’s been making a lot of effort with him the past few weeks, and it’s just about the only thing that’s getting him through each day.

Before he can reply, though, Derek erupts from the other side of the room; an already pissed-off man being pushed over the edge. “He won’t even let us meet his fucking girlfriend, Hotch, he’s not gonna want to come to the Christmas party!” he yells, throwing his hands in the air as he glares at Spencer with a stormy expression raging across his face.

Suddenly, Spencer can’t stay silent anymore, and his retort shocks himself just as much as it does everyone else. “I don’t have a girlfriend!”

It might be the loudest he’s ever shouted in his whole life. He’s always been quiet and restrained, the type to state his feelings as calmly as possible no matter how he’s feeling on the inside. Even in the biggest fight he’s had with Oscar, his voice was barely loud enough to qualify as a shout.

There’s a brief stunned silence, but Derek quickly slices his way through it, voice raising to meet Spencer’s fiery emotion, fierce and loud. “Oh, don’t even go there, Reid, you’re really gonna try and argue that? You’re gonna lie about her as well as not let us meet her? What a boyfriend you are.”

“I don’t! I don’t have a girlfriend!” he repeats, voice catching this time as tears rise unbidden to the backs of his eyes and all the emotions of the journey he’s taken with his sexuality over the years flood him in a wave of intensity he’s not prepared for.

“You’re fucking lying—!”

“I have a boyfriend!” he yells. “Alright? I have a boyfriend. I’m gay.”

The anger and emotion quickly dissipates, and he’s left standing alone in front of the team he’s put so much effort into hiding this from, watching shock spell out across everyone’s expressions. He’s never felt smaller than he does in that moment, and he quickly grabs his phone before running upstairs to his room, locking the door behind him.

“Oh God, Oscar, I fucked up so bad,” he cries over the phone as soon as his boyfriend picks up.

“Hey, hey, breathe, baby,” Oscar says gently, but Spencer can hear the anxious concern in his voice, “it’s gonna be okay, I promise. I’m here. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“I just— Oh God, I just told the team.” A new wave of horror rolls over him as he realises what he’s done. Times might be changing, but it’s still only 2006, and he doesn’t know each and every nuance of his team members’ political positions and, fuck, he hates that his existence is a fucking political position.

Oscar’s been so understanding of his reluctance to not tell the team, even though Spencer’s met pretty much everyone in his life. He isn’t sure what he’s done to earn such a gracious and understanding boyfriend, but he’s not about to question it.

“Baby, I know it’s scary, and I know you’re really worked up right now,” he counsels, voice soft and reassuring, using the nickname he knows Spencer loves the most to make him feel as safe as he can from 700 miles away, “but it’s probably not as bad as you think. From what you’ve told me about the team, they love you so much, and even in the case that in the past they've had some issue with gay people, I can't imagine they’d ever actually think of you any differently when it comes down to it, Spencer.”

He’s crying too hard to reply, and Oscar understands immediately, gently transitioning into a story about his day that slowly starts to calm him down, and by the time he’s wrapping it up, his tears are starting to subside.

“Thank you, Ozzy,” he whispers into the phone, lifting himself up off the floor and making his way to sit on the bed instead.

“You know I’d do anything for you, sweetheart,” he murmurs warmly. “Do you want me to stay on the phone for a bit?”

“Yes please,” he whispers again, holding it as close to himself as possible, drawing all the comfort he can from his boyfriend’s voice.

He lies there listening to Oscar’s voice and trying not to think about the disaster downstairs for a good ten minutes before there’s a tap at the door.

“Oz, there’s someone here,” he says, voice panicked.

“I think you should probably speak to them, baby,” he urges. “I’ll stay on the phone with you while you do, if you like?”

“Please.” He gets up from the bed gingerly, keeping his phone tightly gripped in his right hand as he slowly unlocks the door with his left, revealing Hotch on the other side.

“Hey, Spencer. Do you mind if I come in?”

He’s riddled with nerves, but Hotch is smiling warmly, and he’s never said a harsh word to Spencer, so he steps aside and lets him into his room.

Hotch quickly notices the phone in his hand, visibly still on a call. “Is that your boyfriend?”

Spencer nods.

“Do you mind if I talk to him?”

His brows knit in confusion and his lips part slightly in surprise, but it’s all he can do to hand the phone over, watching Hotch carefully.

“Hi, Spencer tells me this is his boyfriend?” Hotch inquires politely into the phone, his tone still warm. “I’m Hotch, Spencer’s boss.”

He can vaguely hear Oscar speaking on the other end of the line, and he worries slightly that Oscar will somehow give away the familial feelings he holds for Hotch, but the conversation doesn’t last long enough for the anxiety to really take over.

“Everything’s fine here, I just want to have a conversation with Spencer, so is it alright if we hang up and I talk to him alone for a minute? He can call you straight back afterwards.” After a brief pause in which Oscar says something, Hotch looks back up at him. “Are you okay with that, Spencer?”

He nods hesitantly, and Hotch says a quick goodbye to Oscar before surging forwards and wrapping Spencer in a hug. It catches him off guard, but he doesn’t waste any time in burying his face into Hotch’s neck and soaking in the comfort and warmth that always radiates from his father figure.

“Come on,” Hotch says softly as they pull away a good minute or so later, “let’s sit down, shall we?”

“You’re not mad?” Spencer can’t help but ask, the question burning his tongue as anxiety — however quietened from Hotch’s hug — still swims around in his stomach.

“There are many things that could make me mad, Spencer,” he says earnestly, “but this is not one of them. I would never be angry at you for being who you are, okay? I might… I might be overstepping here, and if I am, then tell me and I’ll back off, but I’ve always seen you as a mentee, and over the years that’s developed— well, I see you more as a son these days. And part of that is wanting to protect and support you no matter what you do or say or who you are.”

Spencer wastes no time in diving back in for a hug, clinging onto Hotch for dear life as he hugs back, rubbing his back gently.

“I’m so sorry you didn’t feel like you could tell us sooner, Spencer,” he says in a voice soft with affection and regret. “But I’m so glad you’ve told us now.”

He only presses closer at that, tears springing back to his eyes. “I didn’t want to lose you.” He knows what he’s implying, and even in a roundabout way, he’s glad he’s telling Hotch.

“Oh, Spence,” he sighs sadly, “you couldn’t do a single thing to lose me. I’m in it for the long haul.”

“Really?” he asks, hating how insecure he sounds.

“Really,” Hotch promises, pulling away as Spencer does. “Now, you have a whole team of agents downstairs who are feeling very sorry for themselves and really want to see you.”

Nausea rolls in his stomach and panic springs back up as he looks at Hotch, desperate for some sort of grounding. “Are they angry at me? Do they hate me now?”

“No one hates you, Spencer,” he says firmly. “I promise you that. Everyone just wishes that they’d made you feel more welcome and comfortable. We all hate that you felt you had to lock up something so integral to who you are, and we can’t help but feel we played a part in it.”

“No,” he protests — the last thing he wants is family blaming themselves when it has nothing to do with them, “it’s not your fault, it’s just…”

Hotch nods. “I understand, it’s okay. Now, do you want to go down and see them? You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but it might help ease your mind to see that they really don’t hate you.”

Spencer pauses, taking a moment to think. “Can I see Derek first?”

“Of course,” Hotch says understandingly, and the comforting smile that crosses his face makes Spencer feel safe and taken care of. “I’ll send him up?”

Spencer nods and Hotch hugs him once more before leaving the room almost reluctantly. He wastes no time in picking up his phone and sending a text to Oscar. You were right. Hotch is fine. He’s just sending Derek up before I go and see the team but he says that no one’s angry and I think I believe him. Thank you, Oscar. I love you.

Not even half a minute goes past before his phone lights up with a text back. I’m so glad, baby. Call me later, okay? I want to make sure you’re okay before I go to bed. I love you more.

Before Spencer can argue that actually, he is the one more in love with the other, a hesitant knock sounds on his door. Nerves suddenly flip his stomach, and he clenches and unclenches his fists a couple of times before forcing himself to cross the room, revealing a very worried and regretful-looking Derek.

“Oh, pretty boy,” he says sadly, before crushing Spencer in a warm and tender hug. Immediately, he relaxes into the arms of one of his best friends, and relief courses through his blood at Derek’s reaction. “I am so sorry that I ever made you feel like you couldn’t tell me that you were gay or had a boyfriend. That’s completely on me. I don’t care who you love, Spencer, I just want you to be happy, okay? And if this guy makes you happy, then that’s fine by me. But if he ever lays a hand on you or—”

“Derek, Derek,” he laughs, “it’s fine I get it. Thank you, though, I’m… I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you earlier and for snapping at you in the bullpen that time…”

“I understand, Spence,” he promises. “It’s in the past, okay? And I’m sorry for pushing so hard. I mean, I’d love to meet him but if you don’t feel comfortable or you don’t want to, that’s fine, too. It’s your life, man.”

“No, I… I think I want you guys to meet him. It’s been so hard to keep him away from the people I consider my family, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. Maybe after Christmas, we can all have dinner or something.”

Spencer smiles shyly. “Well, Oscar’s a great cook, so I reckon we could work something out.”

Derek grins, throwing an arm around his shoulders as he immediately jumps back into teasing him as they make their way to the door to go downstairs and see the rest of the team. “Ooh, lover boy’s got him a chef, hey? What else does this Oscar have going for him?”

Spencer chatters eagerly about his boyfriend to Derek, barely skipping a beat when he joins everyone downstairs, his friends taking his cues and joining in with the conversation seamlessly. He’s had enough fuss for one night, and the warmth and understanding on everyone’s faces tells him everything he needs to know.

“Do you have any pictures of him?” JJ asks, raising an eyebrow with eager expectancy as they all settle back into their seats by the fire, a warm and unbelievably happy feeling settling in Spencer’s stomach.

He blushes, digging out his phone from his pocket and unlocking it. “More than a few, I think.”

He finds the most recent picture of his boyfriend — a candid shot of him cooking in the kitchen, spatula aloft, and a huge grin on his face — and hands the phone around.

“Oh wow, you like them buff, huh, pretty boy?” Derek teases as soon as he gets his hands on it, and Spencer’s stomach twists in a sudden bout of fear, expecting to see some hesitancy or even disgust on his friend’s face. What if he thinks that Spencer has a crush on him? What if he’s uncomfortable around him now?

But if Derek’s having any of those thoughts, they don’t show on his face. He’s smiling widely and openly, all the pent-up anxiety and frustration borne from hurt gone from his body language, and he looks completely comfortable sat next to Spencer, his arm stretched out behind him on the back of the sofa.

They sit happily around the fire for a couple of hours, settling into a happy, intimate familiarity Spencer hadn’t realised was missing when he was hiding something so integral to his being from his family, and he’s still smiling when they finally part ways to head to bed, the clock ticking closer and closer to 1 am.

He gets ready for bed quickly, brushing his teeth and throwing on the top he’d stolen from Oscar the first time he’d stayed at his place; a welcome change from his worn and wrinkled suit. As soon as his teeth are brushed and the lights are all off except for his bedside lamp, he pulls out his phone, knowing there’s one more thing he has to do before he goes to sleep.

“Spencer?” Penelope’s voice sounds down the line, clearly concerned. “It’s almost 2 am here, are you okay?”

“I’m gay,” he says, getting straight to the point. The main reason he ever kept it from her was because of his fear of it accidentally getting out to the team rather than fear over her reaction. After all, multiple of his drag queen friends are also hers.

“Oh my God,” she says in that small voice she uses when she’s not actually talking to you, before finally actually replying to me. “Spencer, I’m so happy you told me!”

He doesn’t miss her choice of words, or the way she says them and he tilts his head suspiciously. “You already knew, didn’t you?”

She sighs. “Yeah. I’m sorry, a couple of months ago I saw a text from Oscar on your phone when you went to the bathroom during one of our Doctor Who marathons, and it wasn’t hard to figure out the relationship.”

“And… wait, you’re not mad at me for not telling you sooner?”

“Spencer! Of course not. I was waiting for you to be comfortable enough to share it with me. I felt awful that I knew without your consent but I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to catch you off guard or make you feel uncomfortable. It’s fine that you waited, baby genius, I’m just so happy you told me now. What finally gave you the courage?”

“Well, it might have slipped out in front of the team this evening,” he admits sheepishly, “and the only reason I never told you was because I was scared that it would slip out somehow — accidentally, of course, I didn’t think you’d tell anyone on purpose — and now everyone knows. It’s been killing me not to tell you, Penelope, it really has because I love you so much and you’re my best friend and I trust you with my life, it’s just…”

“Whoa, slow down, Spence,” she laughs fondly, “you don’t have to explain yourself to me, I understand. But I’m glad you finally told everyone and you can be yourself completely with us, now. We all love you no matter what, you know that right?”

“I do now.”

“Good. You should get some sleep, baby boy, it’s late and you’ve had an emotional evening.”

Spencer smiles. “Yeah, I know. You should, too, Pen. I’ll see you when we can finally make it home, okay? Love you.”

“Love you, too, 187,” she says softly, and Spencer can hear the smile in her voice. “Goodnight.”

As soon as he hangs up, he settles down into the bed, turning off the light and pulling the duvet up over his shoulders before dialling one more number.

“Hey, baby,” Oscar says, voice as gentle and caring as it always is, although thicker with tiredness now. “I take it everything went okay?”

“Yeah,” Spencer murmurs, already feeling tired as the safety he always feels at the sound of Oscar’s voice settles into the fibres of his being. “It went so well. I can’t wait for you to meet everyone.”

“I can’t wait either, sweetheart. Are you in bed now?”

“Yeah,” he sighs. “Can you talk to me as I fall asleep?”

“Anything for you, Spence,” he says softly, before transitioning seamlessly into a story about the professors on campus, and his gentle comfort and the knowledge of the unconditional love his family has for him finally lulls Spencer into the best sleep he’s had in weeks.

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pray4jensen · 3 years

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What do you mean by "who he (jared) is as a person" in the tags of the walker ask?

i mean that jared has done many things that i find reprehensible to the point that i have no interest in supporting his career. it’s unfortunate since i really love sam, but this is why distinguishing between an actor and their character is so important, and this is why the whole walker situation in regards to spn’s ending is particularly unpalatable

i think newer fans are unlikely to be aware of the things that he’s done, because for the most part, jensen and misha both keep him in check. he also struggles with depression and anxiety and has been very vocal about that, but that doesn’t make his other actions excusable.

i’ll put it below the cut because my intention isn’t to hurt anyone who may be a fan of his but i also feel like it’s important information to know:

anyway, to get straight to the point, he regularly uses his straight/white/cisgender/male/economic privilege to either actively or passively hurt others that don’t have the same type of privilege to protect themselves.

he has, for example, doxxed people on his twitter (he has 3 million followers), providing names and addresses in the hopes that his fans will go harass people who he felt did wrong to him. who are these people? usually people like us, working low income jobs and struggling to pay the bills. he’s done it to waitresses, flight personnel, ticket counter agents, etc., not once stopping to consider that these people might just have been having a bad day. he does this knowingly and with the hopes that these people will lose their livelihoods; he is aware that his fans are often malicious and it can’t have escaped his memory that these same fans have intended to do real harm to real people, often sending death threats to not only his wife, but also misha and danneel and literally anyone who gets too close to jared and/or jensen.

he’s also relentlessly transphobic and homophobic. the number of times he’s bullied misha (because tbh, that is the only appropriate word for it) by questioning his gender/sexuality just because misha doesn’t fit the masculine mold of societal stereotypes is countless. this is also why it’s particularly hurtful when, like last night, he said that sam could have different pronouns and/or may not be as straight as presented onscreen because, despite appearing to support a genderqueer reading of sam, he doesn’t actually understand the implications of such a thing fully, and you can bet your ass he’ll be making another transphobic/homophobic joke in no time. his statement also neglects to acknowledge the vast amount of textual evidence that fans have come up with to support a queer dean reading. by his suggestion that sam could also be queer, he implicitly suggests that bi dean is similarly a fan reimagining of dean’s character, rather than a canonically and textually supported argument for dean’s sexuality.

in more recent history, and especially in regards to the ongoing BLM protests, he’s more than once demonstrated his lack of awareness when it comes to the privilege he holds. after getting drunk and getting involved in a bar fight during a break away from shooting s15, he was arrested and tried to bribe an officer to get off on his charges. luckily, it didn’t work, but the whole incident was caught on camera. to be completely honest, the fact that he tried it means that he’s done it before (and probably successfully). this is extremely distressing to think about, especially when you know that if a person of colour had tried the same thing, they either would have been in jail or dead on the ground.

finally, just this past summer, when george floyd was murdered, he wrote a muddled post about his reaction to the BLM movement (he didn’t even bother calling george floyd by his name), ultimately concluding that he could do absolutely nothing to help and that he was sad about that which...thanks, jared. this man has 3 million followers that he doesn’t mind utilizing to harass innocent people but when it comes to standing up for black lives? he’s fucking useless apparently.

#boredombabbles #sorry my anger got the best of me towards the end of that #but yeah...this is what it is #i rlly expect now that neither jensen nor misha will be around to be positive influences on him #he's gonna end up doing or saying more hurtful things #and this time...he won't be able to get out of it #anon #ask

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figuring-it-all-out · 3 years

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Hey! I’m here for, like, advice I guess, if that’s alright!

So I’ve just decided on the term genderfluid for me a few days ago, and it was the one that fit the best. Basically, I’m AFAB and lesbian ace and it took me a while to realize I wasn’t cis (I was raised in a very gender bigoted family unfortunately). I want top surgery, to have less curves, be more andro looking, and I have short hair, etc. Sometimes being called young woman or lady triggers my anxiety, but the she/her pronouns are usually fine, well, usually. I guess gender was never a huge thing to try and figure out in my life (less so than sexuality) since I always assumed it was normal to be like this? Anyway, I’ve realized that I think I'm genderfluid and I mainly just go between agender(they/them) and female (but never feminine presenting tbh) and I just have a hard time feeling valid with it. I always see genderfluid people struggling way more with gender, going between male and female, etc and I never had that hard of a time and it was never, like, obvious I don’t think. So idk, I just hope im not trying to be special, because im really not, I have a nb friend who was telling me that I probably wasn’t cis and I don’t think I am. And I think gender fluid works for me I just have a hard time because it’s mainly just she/they, I guess. Anyway, would you say this all still is validly genderfluid? Sorry this is so long!

Yep! Absolutely! This is the third ask I’ve answered tonight where it’s basically like, “I think I’m genderfluid but...”

If genderfluid is an identity that applies to you, you can be genderfluid. That’s literally the only requirement. You don’t have to flow between being a man and a woman, you don’t have to use pronouns you think don’t work for you, you shouldn’t worry about, “trying to be special,” because you’re just trying to be yourself.

Being genderfluid is about being yourself not whatever you think you SHOULD be. Do what makes you happy, live your best life, and try not to worry too hard if you fit the definition of genderfluid perfectly because there’s literally an infinite amount of ways to be genderfluid.

Hope this helped. :)

#Genderfluid #Gender Fluid #Valid #Nonbinary #Gender Nonconforming #Ask

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theseerasures · 3 years

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Which part specifically? I mean, yeah, the whole game is a disaster, but I'd love to hear specific points. There was so much I didn't like about Fates that it just collectively merges as 'bad' in my mind.

it's not really anything specific tbh!! because the way Fates is misogynistic is not different from the way the other Fire Emblems (that i’ve. played. it’s possible all the ones pre-Sacred Stones were actually Forbidden Feminist Utopias) also carry that unmistakable whiff of misogyny. it's not done out of malice, it's just...a franchise that loves to play high fantasy tropes straight, particularly the bit about Restoring the Good Monarch. i never got the sense that they thought hard about the fact that the dude protags (Ephraim, Ike, Chrom) get intricate coming of age stories about tempering their talents for murder with wisdom, while all the lady "protags" (Eirika, Elincia, Micaiah) mostly don't change at all and just kinda swan around doing the "we are ethereal maidens too good for this sinful earth" thing, and when they do wibble it's always about how they wish they could be as "strong" as their dude counterparts except they inevitably can't and don't want to be, because war is bad!!! there's too much war in this war game franchise, buy our next DLC for how to solve war with war

(Lucina's a weird case, but that's why i love her, and...i suspect the only reason Lucina got to be the way she is was because she was doing DRAG, which is a rabbit hole that we don't have time for.)

Fates (sidebar: i played Revelations but i know what happens in Birthright and Conquest. i ended up doing all the Paralogues, because i was morbidly curious about how many different ways you could tell a "no dad!!! it's your dream" story, and the answer was "around four, so spreading them across TWENTY ONE versions basically creates the story equivalent of ultra skim milk.") doesn't do anything functionally different from its predecessors, it's just...more egregious this time, because so much of the story feels exclusively catered to drawing attention to it. i get the sense that the devs were trying to aim for bigger, more sophisticated storytelling than what they did with Awakening, which is why we got Fire Emblem: More Royals Than Ever and the requisite chin-stroking about families of blood vs. families of choice, but that they were trying to be Deep (tm) just made the parts that have always been shallow in the franchise look uglier.

i'm just gonna talk about the Royals, because the story privileges the Royals to a truly mind-bending degree (see above: high fantasy, monarchism). with the Royals we have:

the Hoshido/Nohr sibling matchy-matchy that is eerie from the outset (did Sumeragi and Garon set TIMERS so they'd impregnate women at roughly the same time and murder the babies who didn't come out the right gender?), even before you get to the part where they are "foils" for each other in p much aesthetic only, since their personalities are not actually that different when you get down to it. you have the Dutiful Big Bro (Xander and Ryoma), the Closeted Lesbian Big Sis (Camilla and Hinoka, representing opposite ends of the gender presentation spectrum), the Insecure Lil Bro (Takumi and Leo), and the Incorruptibly Pure Lil Sis (Sakura and Elise, the latter of whom for her crime of being outgoing was punished with death in Birthright, which...yikes)

so like. extremely paint by numbers right from conception (heh). why couldn't Xander have been the one who was Naive and Not Ready for This World? because he is Boy, which means he can only be flawed in the Boy Ways, so he must be Too Worldly instead. why couldn't Camilla be the oldest? she's already jaded and weird, so why not make her the heir just to shake things up? because she is Girl and Too Weird and Wearing BLACK, and weird girls in black can't be queen--even if Xander dies, she can't be queen.

Azura is clearly supposed to The Chrom Surrogate of this game insofar as she's your blue haired pal with whom you share a destiny, but she is The Chrom Surrogate but MAXIMUM GIRL, so she's the quintessential non-combatant class, she has a special song that soothes the hearts of warriors, she LITERALLY DIES FOR THE PEACE (TM) IN BIRTHRIGHT AND CONQUEST. (and obviously her hair can't be the Fire Emblem Classic shade of blue--that's too masculine.)

wrt the second gen, lineage is passed through the dad in the eugenics factory this time, which is on paper a fine shakeup from in Awakening, but...ALL the definitely-royal second gens are boys? don't get me wrong: i actually adore what they did with Forrest--like, fucking superb u gender-nonconforming fashion-loving Prince of Peace--but Forrest being an actually interesting inversion of what we expect (that isn't played for laughs!!!) makes all the other boys come off as much blander than they could be. why can't Kiragi be a dirt and hunting loving GIRL? i love Shiro's supports with Kana, but his whole "boisterous laid back but also inferiority complex" deal would be much less tired if he were the Crown Princess instead of Prince. i suppose if Siegbert were Girl with Anxiety and Kingship he'd just...be Lucina, but that's not necessarily a bad thing!!! bitches love Lucina!! (i'm bitches)

the thing is all of this would be...well. not FINE, but more acceptable if they did some things to flesh out those cookie-cutter personalities. Fates didn't deliver for any of the Royals to the extent i wanted it to, but even for what we had the girls got markedly less than the boys did. the moment that made me go "hoo boy maybe i will make poast about this" was in the climax when all the Five Whatevers lit up to form the Fire Emblem and we got some nice concept art of Takumi Leo Ryoma and Xander making :O faces, while the girls...were also there! in Revelation i'm pretty sure you can cut out Camilla Hinoka Elise and Sakura and leave the plot basically unchanged. you could say they fare better in Birthright and Conquest, but you could just as easily say they fare WORSE, because what they get to do if they're NPCs in those routes are: be sad and die, be sad and be spared from dying, be sad and get even weirder before being spared from dying, or be sad.

Camilla and Hinoka feel like the most wasted potential, because we haven't had as many "female royal who is actually pretty down with murder" characters before. but the devs clearly had no idea with what to DO with that, so (outside of her daddy and mommy issues, the details of which we learn about via supports with Niles the resident sex pest and hoo boy the "queer rep" in this game is whole other can of worms) Camilla became your momsistergirlfriend with built-in innovative airbag technology, whose creepiness is played for laughs, and Hinoka was...wait which one was Hinoka again

i am partly just being glib for comic effect, but like--the underlying problems are there, no matter how seriously or generously you want to read it. Fates doesn't go out of its way to mistreat its women; it just doesn't expend any effort thinking about them, so the misogyny breaks loose and stands out anyway.

#Anonymous #fire emblem

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kumikoumae-archive · 4 years

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what are some underrated anime you’ve watched that you’d rec? also continue more pls with any slice of life / rom com type anime. If you had non high school settings that’d be great too 😭

Underrated:

Higashi no Eden (action, sci fi, thriller, romance, drama) i see this in almost every ‘underrated anime list’ so maybe it’s not as underrated as everyone thinks lol...

Hourou Musuko (drama, slice of life) this is a very short anime about a trans girl (it’s in a high school setting but the story is very different from any high school anime because it deals a lot with gender issues and gender norms and stuff) very heartbreaking but also very sweet. the animation is stunning.

TSURITAMA (comedy, sci fi, slice of life) aka The Fishing Anime. idek how to explain this anime?? it’s super weird. a guy with anxiety issues befriends an outgoing alien and an angry boy and together they learn to fish? there is a duck named tapioca?? none of my friends have ever watched it even tho i have been bothering them abt it for years lol

Kaze ga Tsuyoku Fuiteiru (sports, drama, comedy) HAIKYUU BUT IN COLLEGE. lol no. all jokes aside this is a very interesting sports anime. a guy recruits 10 (unwilling) colleagues to run a marathon with him. The most interesting part of this one for me was watching them evolve not only their running but also their relationships with each other.

Kyousou Giga (fantasy, supernatural) very underrated but i understand why people may not like this one. this anime is off. the. shits. when you think you understand what is happening nothing makes sense again. all i can say is that this anime is about family. that’s it.

Punch Line (comedy, ecchi, supernatural) dont let the ‘ecchi’ category fool you. this anime is a masterpiece. i think it ended too fast, it needed at least two more episodes for a very satisfying ending but i loved it anyway. i also dont know how to explain this anime tho lol... The main character’s spirit gets separated from his body if he sees a girl’s panties? but if he sees it twice the whole world will explode?? time travel? body swapping? super powers? “Punch Line follows Yuuta as he unravels the mysteries surrounding Korai House, its residents, and a villainous organization attempting to end the world. Will Yuuta be able to save everyone, or will the ever-present threat of panties result in their doom?“ this was written in myanimelist and yeah...

Mushishi (slice of life, mystery, supernatural) i dont really consider this underrated... a lot of people have watched this but no one talks about it anymore. This anime has a very unique vibe. It’s mysterious and unnerving but at the same time it is heartwarming and soft...

Rom com: (tbh i havent watched many romcoms)

Wotakoi. this one is a classic, i was a skeptic before i started it but the comedy is gold. Romance in the work place with the bonus of Everyone being a fucking otaku but trying to hide it.

Servant x Service. much like wotakoi this one is also abt romance in the workplace. tbh i watched it in 2013 so i dont really remember much about it other than the fact that i really enjoyed it

Danna ga Nani wo Itteiru ka Wakaranai Ken. THIS ONE!!! THIS ONE!!!! each episode has like 4 minutes so if you really dont know what to watch and you dont want to commit to anything too seriously go watch danna ga nani. It’s about the married life of a woman and her otaku husband. It is The Cutest thing you will ever watch.

Another slice of life i have to recommend is Sangatsu no Lion, i still havent watched season 2, but i can definitely say this anime is a masterpiece. We follow the main character as he struggles with depression. it’s a very accurate portrayal of depression and watching Rei make progress towards recovery is truly a stunning experience. The supporting cast is amazing. the animation is very unique. you can feel the moments of loneliness in your soul because the animation perfectly conveys the mood of each scene. And the heartwarming scenes feel so special... damn, maybe i should watch season 2 now

One more: Sora yori mo Tooi Basho (adventure, comedy, drama) 4 girls go to antarctica!!! That’s it!!!

#im sorry i dont have more romcoms #now i want to rewatch all of these..#but specially tsuritama and hourou musuko #answered #gi talks #higashi no eden #hourou musuko #tsuritama #run with the wind #kyousou giga #punchline #mushishi #wotakoi #servant x service #danna ga nani #sangatsu no lion #a place further than the universe #Anonymous

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ghostofcitrus · 3 years

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i’m just posting bc idfk it’s my blog?? i’ll do what i want lol

vent post. just ignore if ya want. or don’t. whatever tbh.

i do feel icky rn. anxious. idk why. reality is Too Much.

i don’t have friends to talk to and my bf doesn’t rlly get this stuff so whoever happens to read this will. i wish i had someone to talk to rn but oh fuckimg welllll

my brain is not my friend right now. it won’t stop gendering everything i do. i keep feeling like all of my mannerisms and personality is to “girl” to not be girl. i don’t fucking know. i don’t know i don’t know i don’t know. i’m stressed and scared and anxious. i’m afraid that i’m actually just a cis girl and all of this was just rediculous and i have other issues idk. or maybe i was just wanting to be in a community. bht i don’t know why do i keep doing this to myself??? i don’t want to deal with this.

my brain is simultaneously deconstructing and reinforcing the gender binary. deconstructing in the sense that the more i analyze it the less sense it makes, and reinforcing in the sense that i just fuxking csnt let myself break out of it. i keep forcing every single little thing about myself into a binary box. and yeah i guess a lot of it matches a stereotypical girl. i guess. i like femininity. i don’t feel like a girl. i like femininity tho. a lot. not a girl. but what if i am????????????

i don’t recognize myself in the mirror. but when im talking and doing shit i just feel ,,, like im so noticeably a girl. no matter my appearance i keep finding a way to shove myself baxk into a box. do cis girls think like this?????? everything i do. “wow i’m getting ready for bed while talking on the phone with my boyfriend this seems like a Girly thing. you just must be fuckimg faking” “youre face is so feminine and your body is curvy. if you don’t hate every “female” identifier then you’re just a gnc girl” FUCK i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this. and i don’t think i’ll be able to get a flat chest. i feel like i’ve tricked myself into believing i jusy woll happen but i don’t fucking know. i don’t know. i thouvht it would i thouvht itd work oht but i. DONT KNOW i don’t know. i want to look androgynous/vaugly boyish but be feminine in that way. that’s what i want. fuxk this i hate this i hate this. someone tell me if this is normal or if i’m faking or what i am i don’t know

and i’m just anxious. about my future. abohr my present. about the world. about the fact that there’s BILLIONS of other people. the world is MASSIVE i csnt comprehend it. i want the world to be as small as my neighborhood. that i can conceptualize. i just can’t think of anytbing else i csnt do it it won’t fit into my brain. future financial anxiety. i think i’ll end up having to get two jobs. i won’t go down that rabbit hole in this post. but i’m scared. i csnt handle that. i don’t know what capitalism is really going to do to me.

i feel like i’m not allowed to live my life as non-binary. theres not a place in society for that. i have to choose. i have to conform. i don’t want to be a debate. i don’t want to have to argue for my validity or panic at every turn. i don’t want to be shoved into a place. i don’t want to “pick”. but i do. and so,,, my brain forces me to do it to myself in private. i hate it. i hate this.

ugh. i’m calmer now. bht still upset. i csnt sleep. i’m anxious. a lot of things are upsetting me rn. i wish i had someone who it felt like the understood. i loce my boyfriend. i really really do. but he csnt get everything. he’s not autistic so he doesn’t get that experience which feels isolating bc i have autistic friends and the same goes for non-binary. whatever

i’m going to try to sleep now. i’m gonna post this. prob take it down later? i just want other people to see. or talk to me or something. idk honestly. sorry i’m just,,,ugh. i’m finally tired after a few hours of not being able to relax tho. so i’ll try to sleep now. thanks internet void?

anyways i hope if you’re reading this you’re able to recognize how lovely and deserving you are. thanks for reading and sorry lmfao <3

#my post #citrus speaks #vent #ignore #gaaaaaaaah #anxiety tw #vent tw

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mimizepp · 3 years

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ahhh could I ask for a matchup 👉🏻👈🏻 any jojo part n any gender is fine! I’m non-binary but present very femininely (they/them pronouns). Very chubby, fairly short (5’2) - i wear a lot of vintage dresses and styles!, Gemini sun Capricorn moon Scorpio rising! 4w5 enneagram type! I’m autistic and struggle with anxiety and ocd; I think I’d probably describe myself as ambitious but shy; I have trouble coming out of my shell but when I have set my mind to it I go at it with all of my might! I’m quiet and introverted, but I do like other people being interested in me - i used to do a lot of performing, so it’s not that I don’t like being the centre of attention, but more that I like getting to pick and choose when and how I get it! Definitely a perfectionist. I like musicals and old books, and I have a lot of hobbies because I’ll try anything once but I do a lot of writing, baking and embroidery/sewing! I’m not super affectionate or a super big fan of pda but I like small reassuring things to remind me my partner isn’t ashamed to be seen with me (a lot of bullying has made me insecure about myself). I like someone who I can sit and coexist with even if we’re not necessarily doing the same thing - being able to do different things together is very romantic to me. My love languages are giving/receiving gifts and acts of service! Tysm if you do this (and sorry if I misread and your matchup requests are closed!!)

i match you with...

*°:⋆ₓₒ gyro! ₓₒ⋆:°*

- anyone with ambitions is quick to grab gyro’s attention, and that part of you is what first tugged on his heartstrings. then he got to know that shyness and everything behind it. he adores you, and it’s not hard to see why! everything about you just struck a chord within him, and it was clear that you were the one.

- gyro is always asking you more about yourself. your morals and interests mean a great deal to him, as they make up the finer details in the image of love. he gets a little too excited once he learns of your abilities with embroidery / sewing and will practically be begging you to make him a lil teddy bear

- gyro has perfected the art of loving you. not big on pda? perfectly fine! you can always tell how gyro is feeling, and the infatuated look in his eyes as you catch him staring at you says it all. italian cowboy bb is in loooove <3

- he’ll also let you ride his horse with him, somewhat surprisingly. gyro will take you over lady lucky any day, which speaks volumes

- he’s very caring and more thoughtful than one may expect, so don’t be surprised when he starts picking up on the tiniest things about you and going wild over how cute they are (ex: the way your brows furrow from time to time as you’re reading, the smile that graces your face when you put on your favorite vintage dress... gyro serotonin up 700%)

- btw gyro reaaaally wants you to style him in some vintage-wear (or anything that’s not his usual cowboy / western attire tbh) if that style looks so great on you it should be the same on him... it must be!

- if you’re ever experiencing an anxiety attack when with gyro, his gentle embrace and soothing voice work wonders. he’s very quick to adapt to how you’re feeling and is willing to go wherever / get whatever / do anything that must be done to ensure you are comfortable and feeling safe

- after you show gyro your favorite musicals you’re going to find him humming various melodies constantly. he couldn’t tell you the name of the song or even the production itself, but that won’t stop the tune that’s stuck in his head. as bothersome as this may become, it’s still very sweet to know he enjoyed the music

- let gyro teach you the spin techniques. PLS.

* weather was also a potential match for you! *

#jjba matchup #jojos matchup #jjba #matchups #matchup #gyro zeppeli #jojo gyro #jjba gyro #steel ball run

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