tw disordered eating i guess

reading the tags on that previous post people think it's concerning that esteban has to eat shakes or whatever you want to call that mysterious blended thick mixture to get enough calories and as someone who also struggles to put on weight and eat enough calories, that's just normal??

maybe i have an incredibly unhealthy relationship with food and i still haven't accepted it but my high calorie protein shakes give me life lmao

This is my rant. Y’all can skip. it’s endless and idek what it’s about.

Dah food ahah but still. Leave.

i fucking hate myself, i had my food planned and i was sorta confident, all i want to do is finish a god damn 20 hr fast which isn’t even long but like i keep making it to 18 and then stopped never 20. i used to be able to get to 24 hours easy, but now i’m weak. since i work they were throwing out sandwiches so i took it since i don’t like wasting food but i should have but i’m a fucking idiot, and so i ate it when i got home even though i should have waited till my 20 hours was up i fucking didn’t cause i’m fat. so i ate it and i didn’t really feel guilty about it bc i was like this will be my dinner, then after my other work i planned to have mango to like sooth my cravings and prevent a binge i wasn’t even feeling like binging but then i opened the freezer and saw a fucking mcflurry, so of course i are it, like wth dude why you weren’t even hungry, you weren’t even having a binge, it’s 640 calories so now tomorrow i’m gonna do a 20 hours fast and you are GOING TO DO ITTTTT!!!! school starts back on monday and you need to start off clean and empty. I LOVED QUARANTINE! after binging everyday for 3 months straight as i was too much into a depression to even realise, it’s the first time in my life my head hasn’t been directly focused on food or like subconsciously thinking and worrying. kinda nice to have a break but also sucked because my suicidal intrusive thoughts were the only thing i was thinking about, legit couldn’t only fall asleep if i imagined i was stabbing myself by a pool and blood going everywhere while i’m having a mental breakdown as my friends watch me. it was relaxing for some fucked up reason. but to quarantine, i legit exercised every day, and ate under 700 calories (which i know is a lot but it’s better than binging a million cals) but i was eating healthy food, like a bunch of vegetables and tuna and like volume eating, and i only ate one meal but was ful and satisfied, if i went over i finally actually vomited every time i purged as before i always would try but i just couldn’t no matter how long i spend on it. BUT I LOST WEIGHT sadly i don’t own a scale it’s something my broke ass needs to bye stat, however my friend has one and when i stay over i weight myself like 8 times a day so i feel like i’ll just wanna die every time as you cannot loose 5kg within an hour. I wish though. ARGHHHHHHHHHH I JUST WANNA BE FUCKING SKINNY OR ATLEAST FEEL LIKE IM MAKING PROGRESS BUT MY STUPID ASS BINGES SO FRICKEN MUCH I HAVENT KEPT A RESTRICTING STREAK IN LIKE MONTHS. Anyways gn. fuck this shit imma out here.