So sad today

Let's be honest with ourselves. The truth is I don't bloody know. But the world expects you to always have an answer so you make these narratives up that make the most sense. But then after a point it all doesn't align and it doesn't feel alright. You're confused and sad. You're empty and yet you feel such heaviness. You want and you want to unwant and that too is a want because wants are endless. Human behaviour digusts you but you also are human. Capitalism gets to you but you are so deep in it yourself. What are the boundaries? If I knew then I would maintain them. But the truth is I don't know. See the world in shades of Grey but are you just over complicating things and seeing what doesn't even exist? ALL THIS EXISTENTIALISM WONT DO YOU ANY GOOD. Go learn a life skill that can be exchanged for money that can be exchanged for good food and used to pay rent and buy clothes that allow you to fit in this society. Yes, you're poisoned by this world and no amount of unlearning is ever going to make you pure again. And that is why the peace you feel is so transitory. Withdraw yourself and go crazy. Immerse yourself and yet you will go crazy. All I know is oranges are making me feel okay right now as is water as is the idea of going to sleep. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe all I want to do is never wake up. Maybe all I want is to wake up and be seven again. Not because I didn't feel all of this then but only it would still be years before I would process any of it. Even seventeen would be fine. The confidence and angst and idealism I was full of then kept me going. Now all I have are fruits and waiting for the seasons to change and avoiding the rush hour traffic to and from work. Little joys and little victories in a world full of endless little miseries.

@인왕별장

I’m tired of wearing this mask

Suppressed thoughts, school work, work work, and imagination of my unfulfilled hopes and dreams that seem so hard to reach now.

exhausting and tiring tbh

i want to go on a night beach trip, scream my lungs out until all my stress goes away, then lay on the sand, look at the stars and cry.....

습도 80~90% 날 라운딩😱 그게 뭔 상관이냐 볼만 뜨면 신나는 거지😄 #부부동반골프🏌🏻‍♀️🏌️‍♂️ #여름엔🌞 #힘들어😭 #당분간안녕 #로얄포레cc⛳️ #캐디놈때문에 #열불🔥 #상관없이 #따박따박🐾 (at 윤식당) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cfaq0DHrTrs/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

첫사랑은 힘들어

나 이제 솔직히 태그 다는것도 힘들어…

it's not looking good dudes

i'm still piecing things together but from what i've gathered; over the past 2 days, some incels got so pissed off abt there being no swimsuits in the limbus summer event that they review bombed the app. they planned to harass the main artist but upon learning he's a man, they went after the cg artist instead and dug up her feminist + pro-choice retweets from years ago (not even extremist? just normal women's rights?) i've also heard that a man (men?) physically visited projmoon's office but i'm not entirely sure what went down (projmoon has only posted their announcements about the whole situation in korean at the time of this post)

again, this is what i've pieced together so you can take it w a grain of salt, but the fact of the matter is projmoon did Surprisingly Quickly fire the cg artist and announce it publicly. they won't be replacing the art she already did but this is a massive blow regardless

many projmoon fanartists are locking/deactivating their accounts n moving. i've seen a few kr mutuals pledge to never draw pm again

personally, i'm super upset. but i also don't know what to do yet. i want to hope projmoon steps back n really thinks abt this (though i wouldn't blame the artist if she didn't want to come back either)

while i was writing this something else was revealed -

the artist for the leviathan comic has stated they had problems with projmoon as well...

(i put it through another translator just in case so the text in here is slightly different than the screenshot)

[ ID: a tweet from monggeu aka koug99 from 12:56 PM on July 25th, 2023 which is today. it reads thusly,

in english

"The serialization was carried out on an unreasonable schedule without a save file. When I contacted you because I couldn't stand it anymore, you admitted that it was a production issue after the series was canceled three or four hours later, I thought something had changed, but it seems that nothing has changed. It's a shame."

in korean

"세이브 파일없이 무리한 일정으로 연재를 강행하고, 도저히 견디기 힘들어 연락드렸을 때 서너시간 후 연재중단 통보를 받은 후 프로듀싱 문제라고 인정하셔서 뭔가 변한 게 있을 줄 알았는데 달라진 건 없었나 보네요. 아쉽습니다."

end ID.]

day 27 of 30 // if you can't go back to sleep, make being awake worth it 🧠💤

如果你来了因为我的软件工程师的故事些，对不起，最近我不说这。我喜欢挑战，但是只是如果我可以选择。如果不是我的选择，很难得喜欢。我继续看我的最爱的软件工程师的电视节目，所以我觉得更好。仍然难了。但是我们都有我们不可以选择的挑战，对吧？ 我们一起继续努力工作了吧！(if you're here because of my software engineer stories, i'm sorry i don't talk about them lately. i like challenges, but only if i can choose. if it's not my choice, it's hard to like. i continue to watch my favorite software engineer TV show so i can feel better. it's still hard. but we all have challenges we don't get to choose, right? let's continue to work hard together!)

❤️‍🩹 journalled to heal my weary heart

📝📝📝...📝📝📝 usual Korean lessons + speed-ran all of @koreanstudytips's quizlets from this challenge, and i've also saved some of the videos to go through later, will keep you posted! 👀

📚 read a chapter of Sophie's World

❤️ "meditate" but it's just me doing my chores in the dark because the light gives me a headache

🎧 i can't believe i missed an episode of Exclusive Fairytale when i first watched it?? it was so full of fun moments too 😏 没问题！ 我今天看了！(no problem! i watched it today!)

language learning recommendations 🙊

🎧 common K-drama phrases — was pleasantly surprised by how many i know, not just because i've heard them before but also because i actually understand the individual words 😇

🎧 Chinese listening practice — way above my current level, but i wanted to be inspired by this student who learned to speak Chinese like a native in 1.5 years 🤯 (and learn from his study plan! 也学从他的学习的计划!)

🎧 さ、皆さ、私は帰ってきた! (well, everyone, i'm back!) to Japanese language exposure, that is ☺️ 正直に (솔직히, honestly) many words are 비슷해 (similar) to Korean in pronunciation (e.g. library: 도서관, 図書館) or 同 (identical) to Chinese in writing (e.g. literally all the numbers), which helps, but figuring out how to type them especially when Kanji characters are involved is still so confusing 😖 わかりません (i don't know) 🥺

넌 여기에서 왜냐면 내 소프트웨어 엔지니어의 이야기 있어 있다면, 미안해요, 요즘 난 그것에 말해 아니요. 찰렌지들이 좋아요, 근데 그냥 난 선택 수있어면. 선택 수없어면, 좋아한은 너무 힘들어. 난 내 좋아한 소프트웨어 엔지니어 테레비 시리즈를 계속 봐요, 그래서 난 힘을 줘요. 아직 힘들어. 하지만, 다는 우리는 우리의 선택수없는 찰렌지를 있어요, 그래? 우리 함께 계속 열심히 일해요!

💌: 大丈夫 (it's alright/okay)

을씨년스러운 날씨다.

어제까지만도 살아있던 소들이 사라져버린 우사앞 마당에서 사람들이 남기고 간 방역복들을 태우고 있는 아저씨를 보고 있자니 날씨만큼 우중충한 기분이다. 엄마소와 아기소도 곧 분만할거라 하셨던 임신소도 모두 하늘로 갔겠구나. 아저씨가 태우는 것들이 검게 또는 희게 연기되어 피어오른다.

83년부터 했으니께 40년 동안 이 일 혔어. 아근데 첨엔 잘됐지~ 여서 쩌~까지 다 소들로 가득찼었으니께. 근데 이젠 힘들어.. 그려서 이케 요만큼만 키운 겨. 요몇해 재미 못 봤어. 그래도 어뜨켜 외양간 놀릴 순 없잖여.

누구를 위한 방역일까 한심한 질문만 뱉을 뿐이다.

* 8마리의 노란 별들을 기리며..

깔끔하게 폰그림으로 다시 그렸습니다 어제 올린 손그림 위에다가 따라 그렸는데도 한 2시간 걸린 것 같네요

배경이 왜 없냐면 어떻게 그려야할지 모르겠더라고요...T_T 그리고 인체 망가진 것도 여전하네요 아 힘들어....

가방 끈 안 그려서 수정합니다

참고 자료:https://m.blog.naver.com/ejongcokr/222506769185

140303 - Jeongguk by Yoongi on Twitter:

[140303 입학식 preview] 황금막내 꾸기의 입학식!! 형들 아침부터 힘들어 쥬금 ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ

1. 나는 여름이 좋다. 언제부턴가 무척이나 더워진 한국의 여름이어도, 그래도 좋다. 만물이 살아있음을 온몸으로 느낀다. 추운 겨울보다야 백번 낫다. 조금만 걸어도 땀이 송글송글 맺히고 짜증이 샘솟고 더위에 힘겨워 주저앉고 싶어져도 괜찮다. 이번 여름도 역시나 덥고 힘들지만 그래도 여름! 여름 여름 최고

2. 오랜만에 카페 투어를 했다. 가보고 싶던 두 군데의 공간을 다녀왔는데, 너무 간만인데다가 빈속에 카페인을 들이부어서 조금 힘들었다. 그래도 공간은 좋았다. 분명 좋았던건 첫번째였던것 같은데 기억에 남는곳은 두번째 공간이다. 이곳에서 일하는 나의 모습을 잠시 상상해 봤다. 너무 잘어울리잖아?

3. 태풍이 온다는데 며칠 내리 덥다가 시원한 바람이 불어서 좋았다. 신기하게 하늘이 엄청 예쁘고 색도 특이했다. 태풍이 오기전 하늘은 이렇구나, 하면서 한참을 봤다. 동 트기 전이 가장 까만것처럼, 비바람이 몰아치기전의 하늘은 새삼스레 아름다웠다. 우리네 인생같다.

4. 지금 읽고 있는 책이 무척 기분 나쁘고 읽기가 힘들어 지하철에서 조금씩 나눠가면서 읽었다. 몇 장 읽다가 한숨쉬고 책을 닫고 다시 열고를 반복했다. 그럼에도 불구하고 읽어내야 한다. 많은 사람들이 이 책을 읽어야 할텐데.

5. 이사 계획을 하고 있다. 더불어 이직 계획도. 사실 아무것도 정해진건 없고 거의 하루 걸러 하루씩 내 생각은 조금씩 바뀐다. 혼자인 시간이 이제는 꽤나 (아니 사실은 상당히 오래) 지났다. 이제는 이게 너무도 익숙해져서 누군가가 내 삶에 들어온다면 그게 오히려 더 이상할 것 같다.