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#「though it never feels right」
wingedbeings · 2 years
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#gahhh. cant let it go#i can always repress things why not this. why are you so dead set on keeping this on the surface#it feels like a cruel joke. i know its not i know you have your reasons but its not supposed to be my purpose#i was here to solve your crap and i know i went too far with that but i didnt have access to this knowledge or feeling. all i saw is#another thing keeping us from stabilising#sighs. im so enraged i didnt get access to this sooner i didnt learn about this sooner and found some communication#yeah it wasnt right what happened to us but neither was it right what happened after when i came into play#blinded so blinded all the time to protect us#so now what. now that i did gain access now that i am more of a formed personality instead of a drone focussing on a purpose#now what am i supposed to do with this. i cant override the defences bc i still dont know everything about it so what its just going to be#on my mind like some sort of haha look what you did you idiot.#sighs#i know the host switch and me existing and me ridding of it all was necessary but its never going to feel right again#even with the worst parts of it#because i dont have their full memory the full picture to rationalise and analyse all i have is how it aches to be without#that.#「and im sorry i left but it was for the best」#「though it never feels right」#「my little versailles」#stars.exe#i'm not good with feeling like you were. but im sorry for how it aches to us both#everything is another reminder and i'm sorry i cannot fix this we cannot fix this
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haunted-xander · 4 days
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Well, I guess you didn't have much of a choice either
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vaguely-concerned · 2 months
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sometimes I think of all the on-the-surface warm, well-meaning but deeply ineffectual advice and attention john gives harrow through harrow the ninth (make some soup and get some sleep! get a hobby! don't be so hard on yourself! self care harrow! as long as I need take no actual responsibility in this relationship whatsoever I would have loved to be your dad!) set up against the stark truth that with his other hand he has been staging her attempted horrific murder again and again and again like a living nightmare on the logic that it will 'put her down or fix her'. and then I find that I wish there is a hell. a special hell where twitch streamers turned necromantic death emperors go
#the locked tomb#harrowhark nonagesimus#john gaius#harrow the ninth#this is why I don't buy john as misunderstood and initially well-meaning AT ALL#this is a pattern you see with him again and again and again -- right down to his interpersonal relationships#(and indeed it's in the more grounded interpersonal relationships you can most clearly see him as he is I think#the fantasy death empire of a thousand years doesn't register quite as viscerally because it's like. heightened; not quite real#but the emotional violence and manipulation that surrounds him? oh boy that is EXTREMELY real and scarily well-observed)#there's a premeditation to so much of what he does (contracts with planets that only end 'in the event of the emperor's death' anyone?#yeah john we get it you're hilarious and I wish you weren't)#the greatest trick john ever pulled was making anyone think he's just a lil guy. what does he know he's only god#when you first read the book the complete callousness of the other adults is so horrible that john seems like an oasis of care#(though you start to get this uneasy feeling when that care never seems to translate to like... relief or soothing or resolution)#and it makes it feel almost obscene when you find out what's actually going on#it's the mercy & augustine enabler hour but at least they're completely honest in their cruelty there#while john is -- well he sure is being john huh#this is just me being angry with him btw philosophically I don't think this is how the story will or should end#(with john slam dunked right into hell that is)#it's just... harrow is so vulnerable. and what he does to her is so insidious and fucked up#john is very deeply human. unfortunately the capacity to quite simply suck so much is deeply human too
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driaswrld · 4 months
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higuruma who likes wine. i'm thinking he likes it almost as dry as his coffee but he's very appreciative of the fruity undertones — like you can tell the mood he's in based on the wine he's bought.
he wins a case and he already has a bottle of pinot noir open and waiting for when you finally get home, tie loose and manspreading on the couch, hair tousled and a small dopey smile (yes he started without you but don't worry, he's sure you can keep up)
or maybe he's lost a case and you're pouring him a third glass of california cabernet in the warm bathtub, soap bubbles on his frown lines, arms wrapped tight around you while you straddle him, his teeth grazing your shoulder (he's literally just a brooding baby, hold him pls)
either way, he fucks you idk why i was talking ab the wine. idk anything ab wine. basis is he fucks you while wine drunk really.
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satoru is a puppydog who pretends to be a big bad wolf and suguru is a wolf pretending to be a domesticated dog, hiding his claws and the snap of his jaw (doctors come in and start pulling me away)
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lazylittledragon · 2 months
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fucking. gatekeeper fans who shame people for liking the most popular/well known songs. what the fuck are they even bragging about. never being able to hear your favourite song at a concert??? insanity
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petricorah · 1 year
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zuko alone pt 2
lovingly inspired by this [ids in alt]
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arthursfuckinghat · 1 month
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"I was gonna say you're like a son to me.. but you're more than that."
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"It ain't that complicated!"
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How quickly that shoulder pat of comfort turned into a condescending one.
#he makes me feel so emo#this life was never meant for you but your fate was forced#the way dutch (and hosea) talks to arthur like he's stupid will never sit right with me#like they've been by his side over 20 years they KNOW he isn't stupid because if he was he would have been gone a long time ago#not only is arthur incredibly emotionally smart but he's a trained conman vault breaker gunslinger horse rider you name it#the fact that his own adoptive parents break him down like that hurts#it's a manipulation tactic on dutch's end - break your victims self esteem to make them chase your praise and approval#hosea I believe has just gone along with that kind of attitude but in a different way he just likes to jest lightheartedly#arthur doesn't see the difference though and it's understandable but he takes it to heart#the worst part is that hosea sees through his tough guy act and has called arthur out on it#his act is a defence mechanism to protect himself from being too vulnerable - in arthur's mind#and it isn't a sudden thing it's very likely something that has built over the years given the life he has lived#and hosea notices he knows this#but they still jab at arthur#oh it hurts#is he your son dutch? or is he your guard dog? your personal workhorse?#playing through the second time is opening my eyes more and more#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#mick squeaks#mick rants#mick gifs#arthur morgan#dutch van der linde#liveblogging#you guys gotta understand - arthur seeks and longs for dutch's approval he'll never say it but it's the key motive behind his loyalty#and arthur *rejects* dutch's comfort#he doesn't *want* dutch to pat him on the shoulder because he knows dutch is digging them an even deeper hole#he doesn't want that touch he craves#it's so insanely monumental for such a small scene because it shows us how arthur feels without telling us
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drulalovescas · 18 days
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Listen. I'm not exactly optimistic about the canon reciprocation in the revival. Like NOT. AT. ALL. OPTIMISTIC. The CW show Supernatural burnt me wayyyy too many times. However.
Imagine that Jensen Ross Ackles actually brings the show back. even though the story seems to be finished???? Because they're all kinda permanently dead this time???? So. Storywise there is no point in bringing it back. The story is done. Unless…you wanna fix things??? So.
Imagine that Jensen Ross Ackles brings it back. After all the bad press the show got for burying their gays. for not letting Dean respond. With there currently being so many different, actually good shows that are doing the queer rep right. And getting tons of attention and praise for it. So again.
Imagine that Jensen Ross Ackles actually brings Supernatural back ... only to make Dean Winchester tell Cas "sorry buddie, I don't love you THAT way." Just to make Dean Winchester NOT reciprocate. Or. Just to NOT address the confession AT ALL. Lmao.
Like…
Who would do that in this economy???! And why????!!
So. what I’m trying to say is, if Jensen Ross Ackles didn’t wanna „go there,” didn’t wanna „open the Pandora Box” wouldn’t it be logical and most importantly wiser to just be like Elsa and let it go????
Obviously. who am I to assume that Jensen Ross Ackles actually wants to do the logical, wiser and more profitable thing. He might just wanna be Dean Fucking Winchester one more time, consequences be damned. which is fair. i get it.
It’s just… it would be REALLY TRULLY [redacted] [deleted] [omitted] to bring the show back in order to bury your gays even deeper and anger and/or alienate your HUGE queer fanbase even more. the fanbase that you still heavily profit off via conventions etc etc.
It would be REALLY TRULLY [redacted] [deleted] [omitted] to bring the show back and not let Dean Winchester kiss the angel of the Lord Castiel stupid.
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dawnbreakersgaze · 1 month
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Anyone else ever think about how utterly wrecked Dawnbreaker would look the first time you touched him?
The truest definition of touch starved- he's waited years to feel your hands on him, dreaming of it every night since he was old enough to desire such things. He's not the proper and stoic Dr. Zayne you're used to, all practiced hands and measured breaths.
No, he is years worth of yearning and desire, trembling fingers almost hidden underneath the sheer force of his need to finally- FINALLY taste you. And it's almost imperceptible, the sigh that escapes him when your lips first meet, but the soft groans that follow when you bite at his lower lip confirm it was not your imagination.
His grip is one that borders on bruising; he's terrified you'll slip through his grasp. The vagaries of his dreams have left him so desperate for your affection that his body follows every slight twist or shift you make with absolute precision. His foggy mind still sharp enough to count every single point of contact between you, keeping a mental tally of how many places your physical beings become one.
Let your mouth plant and purchase down his neck, suck and bite and tend to the skin that makes him gasp and shudder. Drag your nails down the peaks and valleys of his chest and feel him vibrate and shiver; hooded eyes alight with all the need of a flame grasping for its only source of fuel. Listen carefully for every hiss and moan as they pull through him; each sound the little spark that threatens to call forth the avalanche that could bury you both. They're all throaty and pulled from behind his teeth, his brows pinched upwards as his eyes pull shut to focus on the searing heat of your touch that brands him as yours.
Feel as his cool, firm fingers find their way to the back of your neck and shoulder to knead and grip, curling around your pulse point to ground himself. He needs every reassurance you're real. Every heartbeat, every kiss, every touch, every soft word whispered against his skin that causes ripples of goosebumps to flood him- all of these are moments that will both sustain and haunt him in the days ahead.
Dark hair dusts acoss his eyes as you momentarily force yourself apart from him to stop and admire your work- and oh boy, what a work of art you've made. The expanse of his chest, littered with scars and lip given bruises, rises and falls with the strain of your activity. Jaw slack, to let saliva wetted kiss swollen lips pant. His honey and clover eyes burn and bore into you as you appreciate the masterpiece before you, and you know you've finally experienced what it means to create like the Gods.
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dirtytransmasc · 3 months
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atwow hot take:
if jake had said his "son for a son" shit out loud and spider had heard him, he would have been so beyond pissed, he would be seeing red.
spider loved his little siblings so much, neteyam included, even after they grew apart. he loved them like they were his own blood and protected them like they were too (we see a lot more of them together in the comics, where spider is the big brother without a doubt). neteyam's death most certainly rocked him hard, even if he hasn't really been able to show it (how could he? he's already going through all the shit with his dad and the RDA and their nonsense, he can't grieve around neytiri, he's just so tired after it all. he doesn't have the room or the energy to grieve yet)
so if jake had the audacity to say that to/around spider not even a few hours after he watched his little brother get shot after coming to save him, after he stared at the bullet hole in his back, after he watched him take his last breaths, after he watched the light leave his eyes, after he watched his little brother die for him; if he said that while his little brother's body lay in a pool of his own blood not even ten feet away, not even cold yet, blood still clinging to his chest, the scent of it still filling the air: he would have lost his shit.
because the disrespect for his brother is wild.
jake was an active player in spider's neglect and abuse for the last 16 years, he let it happen, he helped it happen. he tried to send spider with the humans, tried to take him away from his siblings, from the forests, from eywa to live with his foster family that didn't love him (not to mention Nash was an asswipe of epic proportions) and the RDA of all people. he had referred to spider as a stray animal since he was little. he was the reason spiders life was hell.
and after all that, years and years of putting him in shit positions and allowing him to suffer the fate of being forever unloved and uncared for (by an adult authority figure, cause I love the kids, but they don't make up for the gap left by a parent), this is what it took for jake to care about him? his little brother had to die in front of him first? he had to be traded out to fill the space of a corpse, to fill in the gap left by his little brother's death?
in canon, spider was in deep in shock with nothing to break him from it, he wasn't in the place to really think about any of it, and I'm sure we're gonna see this anger in the coming movies, but if jake had said it out loud, that would have been enough to snap spider right out of it, and he would have given jake a piece of his mind, I just know it.
#he loves neteyam too much to let jake do that. to say that. he'd never allow it.#spider is such a good big brother. he loves his siblings too much.#if jake had said that to his face there would have been hell to pay. regardless of how out of it spider was with shock/grief/pure exhaustio#spider doesn't even care about the disrespect being done to him by that statement. he just cares about neteyam.#cause how could a father say that? how could he just move on. fill the gap with a “stray” as he puts it. take him in after all he'd done to#him? it wasn't fair#it wasn't fair to him and it most certainly wasn't fair to neteyam#I love spider. he deserves a family that loves him and wants him. he wants it. but this is not what either of us asked for.#that line has always rubbed me wrong. and it would have rubbed spi wrong too. I just know it.#I really hope we see spider express his rightful anger/disgust to this whole thing next movie#though I worry he will be too busy feeling guilty over everything and feeling like he just has to be grateful. but one can hope.#he deserves to be angry#and his dynamic with neteyam deserves to be explored. cause its a crime that it was ignored in the movie.#avatar 2#avatar the way of water#spider socorro#miles spider socorro#miles socorro#neteyam#neteyam sully#neteyam te suli tsyeyk'itan#jake sully#I wanna punch that man so hard istg. I can't with him. I won't say I hate him. but lord have mercy I can't with him.#my baby boys deserved better#spider was neteyam's big brother. that's my agenda#we need to talk about them more
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aromantic-diaries · 2 months
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I joke around a lot but man does it feel good to know that despite how confused I was when I was younger, all of it does make sense and isn't entirely unheard of. There is a word for how I feel and there's so many people just like me. I'm aromantic
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uncanny-tranny · 9 months
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I'm still thinking about how ashamed I was (and am) with being open about my pain because I am so young. It's so hard to feel worthy of having your pain taken seriously when the people around you insist that young bodies are always in pristine, untouched condition and that you must earn your pain through aging. Never is it considered that young people aren't lying or being a hypochondriac for expressing their pain.
Young people can be in life-altering pain. Young people can have debilitating pain. It doesn't matter what age it happens because pain doesn't discriminate. Complaining about pain and doing things to prevent needless pain aren't something you have to "earn" through aging.
If you want young people to be in less or lesser pain, then encourage them to do whatever they can to minimize it. Don't downplay what they're experiencing. Not everything is a lie, not every experience that is different than yours is exaggeration or deceit.
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hecksupremechips · 12 days
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Mizuki and Date though like. Imagine being 8 and your parents are filthy rich and going through a bad divorce. Your mom treats you like shit, lashing out at you, hitting you, saying she wishes you were never born all because you were behaving like a child. Your dad is more comforting, but he doesn’t do anything to stop the abuse and he spends his time invested in a completely different family, a girl who you love and look up to but he loves her more than you and it fucking shows. Then your dads new friend, some fucking bachelor in his late 20s, is just like "wow you guys are the worst fucking parents ive ever seen" and next thing you know your dad is sending you off to live with him. And it’s just a massive kick in the head cuz you go from a rich lifestyle to living in some really shitty tiny ass apartment with this guy who’s clearly never been around a child in his entire life and he doesn’t know how to behave and does a really bad job of censoring himself like he has a bunch of dirty magazines that he can’t hide very well cuz it’s literally a studio apartment and also he talks to himself sometimes, it’s really weird. He doesn’t even have the slightest clue what he’s doing
And he’s the best parent you’ve ever had
Because fuck, it all really hurts. You have to cope with having never received any love from anyone, and with the fact that your parents clearly don’t want you and can’t even be bothered to send you with anyone even kinda responsible. And this guy has a scary job with crazy hours and you don’t know anything about him and neither does he. But still, he never once hits you or tells you you’re not allowed to cry. He just gives you space and doesn’t push you to feel any sort of way about him. And sometimes, he’s even kind. He makes you some stew, even though it’s a bit chunky. He lets you sleep in the bed and takes the couch for himself, even though he complains about the massive back pain he’d never trade his spot for a second. He pays attention to events at your school and gives you your favorite stuffed animal when you make good grades, even though you called it ugly. He gets worried sick when you come home with bruises and puts on a goofy voice and trains you to defend yourself and you develop some highly deadly skills and even though it’s really abnormal, he buys you a bench press so you can get stronger. There’s this distance there, and you feel really weird caring about someone who you aren’t related to, but you find yourself wishing it was meant to be like this all along, that maybe, he’s secretly your real dad and he loves you like his real daughter
And when you say "I’m back" he says "welcome home"
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collieii · 9 months
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i really like how trimax constantly emphasizes that vash's kindness is a choice, a deliberate and powerful one. it contrasts him so well to knives, who's so disdainful towards humanity as a whole. but vash actually interacts with people and is involved in society. and, by extension, he's been hurt by it so many times. but despite this he chooses love everytime and defends humanity.
meanwhile, knives has never participated, always seems to watch people from a distance. still, he makes claims about the cruelty of humanity, and he uses the idea of human cruelty to justify his actions, despite the fact that he's likely never directly been victim to it the same way vash and the other plants have. not to understate the whole tesla situation, but he assumes that he has the authority to decide the fate of humanity, even though out of every plant he's probably not the one who's in the position to make that sort of decision. (and frankly, it's not a decision any single individual should be making)
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so this moment is so poignant, though vash might not be directly talking about himself we know it applies to him, we know how much violence he's suffered. it's written on his skin (his shirtlessness in that scene is very pointed). and we know that knives hasn't really experienced that. and knives is ultimately very self absorbed, he assumes he knows what's best for the plants and what they want, so he uses them to achieve his goals without consulting them. unlike vash, who as we see in the finale, has made efforts to communicate with the plants (communication and connection is such a big thing with vash!) he's familiar with them, and they him, and that's one of the reasons they seem more willing to follow vash's path than knives.
the difference between vash and knives is that vash sees everyone as an individual with inherent value. knives is unwilling to do this and he turns groups into monoliths, refuses to see individuals or nuance.
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one of the big ideas of trigun is that conflict occurs because people don't see those around them as individuals. so what really saves the day isn't guns or firepower, but understanding between people. vash helps facilitate this understanding between humans and plants because they're all familiar with him, he's put a lot of effort into getting to know everyone! and with everyone he meets he embodies the idea of love and peace, helps them believe that cooperation is possible.
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cerise-on-top · 2 months
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ik that you just did something about what dates Valeria and Laswell who take you on butttt can you still do how’d they like to celebrate valentine’s day! Hope you have an awesome valentines 🩷
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Hey! Sorry for not posting on Valentine's Day or yesterday, I was extremely busy with work and had some very long days ^^; But I'll post twice to make up for it today! Sorry this was a bit late as well ^^;
Valentine’s Day with Valeria and Laswell
Valeria: We’re just going to assume that she has time to spend with you this Valentine’s day and took a day off or something. Valeria doesn’t think too much about it, it’s just another day where people are taking the money straight from your wallet, either because there’s someone you love or because you’re single and need to eat your frustrations away. She doesn’t care at all about that day, and whether she does something for it or not entirely depends on whether or not you complain about wanting to go on a date with her that day. If you don’t then there will be no date. Because it’s only a cash grab sort of day, Valeria wouldn’t particularly buy you chocolates either. She really doesn’t like Valentine’s day. Complain enough and she’ll get you some chocolate straight from the chocoria, no matter how expensive. A few flowers maybe as well, but that would be it out of her own initiative. She’d much prefer to stay at home and watch some movie with you. One that isn’t about romance, just a normal action movie or comedy or something. Complain enough and she’ll sigh, grabbing her coat and ushering you outside. It’s not often that she does something like this, but you’ll be walking around Las Almas together, chatting a bit, getting some of the yummy street food out there. You’ll do something akin to sightseeing where she shows you all the places there are in the city and around it, except they’re all the places she found when she was still young and reckless. From the berry bush in the park no one knows about, to the abandoned mill by the countryside she used to hide from her parents in. Valeria is normally a classy woman who could buy the world if she wanted to, but her real signs of love would be when she isn’t spending money on you for once. It shows that you’re more to her than just another cost, another person who’s just out for her money. Or, at the very least, she trusts you to not be. While there still won’t be too much sentiment from her side, you’ll also go stargazing together if the sky is clear. She can’t tell you too much about the constellations, but you’ll just stand there and look at the stars. Valeria hasn’t had the time to do that in forever, so she’ll likely take a while.
Laswell: Again, we’re going to assume that she has the time to spend with you and isn’t out and about abroad, risking her life. Laswell has a much greater tolerance of Valentine’s day than Valeria does. She used to love that day much more when she was a teenager and was with her first girlfriend, but stopped caring as much about it as the years went by. While she doesn’t like how romance is being forced down everyone’s throat that day, she’ll tolerate it since she can’t change it anyway. However, Laswell is much more likely to do something with and for you on that day, she doesn’t complain either. Starts the day off with a kiss to your temple in order to wake you up, makes you breakfast, heart shaped pancakes with vanilla ice cream, before she gives you the chocolates and flowers she got for you. The flowers are fairly fancy, roses, dahlias, lisianthus. Anything that looks nice and could show you just how much she loves you is a-okay. After breakfast you’ll lounge around your home for a bit, doing chores together and stuff, until it’s time to leave that is. You’ll be going to a fancy restaurant together, eating at an all you can eat buffet until your hearts and stomachs are content. Of course, all of it goes on Laswell’s bill. Afterwards it’ll be something relaxing for the time being, digesting the food as you take a stroll through the park, for example. Whatever suggestions you may have, you may voice them now before the two of you will go to a jewelry store where you can pick out something gorgeous that fits you, your outfit, your eyes and whatever else there may be. After your stroll is over, you’ll likely go home together, cuddle on the couch and watch TV. It’s not the most exciting day there is, but Laswell is just glad she has a sweetheart she can spend the day with. You’ll end up watching some awful rom-coms together, complain about them and how bad they are, only to be watching the next one right afterwards. You will be eating popcorn together, salted, with caramel and maybe steal a few kisses from each other here and there while there’s nothing interesting going on at the moment. Again, it’s not much but Laswell is usually out and about just about anytime and wants to relax for a bit for once. Even better if she gets to do it with you.
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