◟ 🪦 𝐉𝐎𝐇𝐍 𝐕𝐒 𝐆𝐔𝐈𝐋𝐓: a delusional one woman essay.
john and his guilt hold a very complex relationship with one another. it's a strength and a weakness, in a business where it's bad luck to look back, ( there's too many bloody ghosts following behind. ) guilt is always there as an old friend, a starved dog and the crux that haunt his narrative. it's the very thing he's born into feeling . . .
( note: below the cut will delve into heavily triggering topics, which is listed in the tags, read at your own risk. )
after the death of his mother; the guilt of taking a life, for destroying a home before it was fully built ( it's important to note: the death of his mother isn't his fault. but, instead of being something usually self inflicted, the beginnings of this is a mix of confused grief for guilt - projected upon by his father - and desperation for his approval, for his love. ) the feeling becomes mixed with teenage anguish, anger for the world and his father. at sixteen tying his father's soul and cursing a dead cat to bring a slow, painful death to enact vengeance. it's immediate, realising how extreme he took things, ( and with no way to reverse the spell, because there's always a price to pay. ) john buried the cat with formaldehyde and his very first, visceral experience with guilt.
he then leaves, explores the edges of london in his twenties, and he is angry. furious at the world, wrathful at his faith, destructive towards himself. called killer by his own father for so long, ( and, in such morbid humour, it's almost prophetic. ) and alongside the flight or fight, the constant duck and weave, his heavy reliance on magic finalises his path of self destruction. magic is a tool, a survival tactic, a confidence boost even. he feels entirely guilty for leaving his father and sister, but it's drowned out by punk music, constant drinking and smoking, and magic.
then came along astra logue. where his one, first and only, true samaritan act led to an innocent girl being condemned to hell. john didn't know her until that faithful night, but he certainly recognised her. trapped by an abusive father, deep down, perhaps if he could save her then there'd be some absolution to what he experienced in his own childhood. but he's desperate, and reckless, and he's left to carry that guilt until he meets astra in hell. those who were there in newcastle solely place the blame on john, in ravenscar he's viewed as nothing but a guilty man who killed an innocent girl ( and after experiencing such a traumatic experience, sent to an asylum where he'd be abused and drugged - how else are you suppose to view yourself ? )
and the cycle of guilt and anger repeats and repeats. it happens again with gary lester ( his body used to trap the demon mnemoth ), ray monde ( leaving him defenceless with a then girlfriend, while out investigating ) past lovers ( emma, zed, kit, oliver - the fear of commitment, the tendency of their association with them often resulting in some sort of danger. ) the ghosts, which remains to be uncertain given how fractured his grasp on reality is / himself being an unreliable narrator, can also be viewed as physical manifestations of his guilt. appearing at times where john is at his very low in his self-loathing and hatred. when his appearance looks worse for wear. and even with himself: in all of his lonesome, guilt remains a constant reminder to do, and to be, better than every supercilious divine and unholy being that looks down upon humanity, and refuses to see them as nothing but collateral.
however, if john is given a chance to choose doing the right thing or the thing that'll save his skin, ( his friends and loved ones if he can, as he finds his own worth in them. ) john will instinctively, and destructively, choose himself. because in this cycle, in this guilt, he's entirely alone and that is his burden to carry. it's his very guilt that has almost become a tool for him over the years. it's what keeps him standing, what makes him a right bastard, ( but one that holds so much compassion and love, ) as he knows grief comes but guilt remains, always will and always have.
no one truly knows or understands how guilty he is besides him and g-d, ( but after abandoning his faith in his teen years, and coming to terms with the truth: no one will save them, humanity, except them. ) people will pass judgement and observation, call him a bastard and every insult under the sun, because he'll carry that too.
guilt, at the end of the day, when all his friends leave and no one else remains, guilt has been the very friend john can rely on and his own tormentor.
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permanent interaction call !
as i'm sure you're all aware, i'm very socially anxious & sometimes i struggle at making the first contact ( i am working on it though so please bare with me ! ), so in a way to ease my anxiety, i have made this permanent interaction call. by liking this post, it gives me permission to;
tag you in random starters whenever & whereever.
invade your inbox with prompts or without, ic or ooc, etc.
message you via ims or discord, whether it's for plotting, ic, ooc, etc.
cause chaos with you on the dash ic wise / ooc wise.
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I won’t have time to add them to my carrd for a while so quick reference for the old new goon squad 🤪
Liam “Jekyll” Hyde- hellhound shifter demon, he’s in his late-mid 20s, He/Him, big idiot who rushes into situations head first but is also the first to laugh at the consequences. Long dark red hair that’s pulled half up usually but still in his face, light tan with dark freckles all over his body and long claw scars from his chest over his shoulder down his back and a supernaturally large bite scar on his shoulder. His eyes are green into gold toward the iris, the gold takes over the more he shifts eventually also darkening his sclera. He grew up on the infernal plane with other hellhounds until he was summoned by Hunter, at which point he agreed to be their familiar and spent his time split between earth and infernal planes from his early teens. He’s the largest personality and the leader of the pack if you will, but he’s also the bleeding heart always taking in strays it’s in his nature
Hunter (WIP last name)- infernal witch 3/4 human 1/4 incubus on their mother’s side, they’re half a year older than Jekyll, They/Them, a bit heavy on the sarcasm but very approachable/caring. Shorter light hair, they tend to dye it vibrant hues but it is naturally a whitish color, somewhat pale with no noticeable blemishes save for hidden enchanted tattoos. Their eyes are a light blue with a violet shift, more prominent when they’re practicing magic or using their demonic influence. They grew up with their dad as a single parent, summoned Jekyll when they realized they had bloodline magic and wanted to have a friend around that would understand since other kids saw them as weird with their mom’s mysterious background. Definitely an enabler and sarcastic best friend type, a bit more parental of the group but will encourage dumbass behavior too
Adora “D” Nova- succubus, she’s the youngest though only by a few months and still in her late-mid 20’s, She/Her, a ray of sunshine guaranteed to lighten the mood when she steps into the room she’s also the most emotionally intelligent/developed. Split color hair falls past her shoulders in a shag cut, one side a deep copper and the other a medium warm blonde dyed or natural she’ll never tell, her light skin has a few beauty marks and a dark gothic winged heart tattoo on her lower stomach. (She’ll tell you it’s a “succubus birth mark” but she got it tattooed on a dare on Earth when she was 19) Her eyes tend to shift color depending on the environment and if she’s exerting any influence, they’re normally a deep burnt maroon red that lighten to a brighter raspberry pink when using her talents. She also grew up on the infernal plane and made friends with Jekyll when they were late teens, eventually sparked up a romantic relationship in their young adult into early 20s that’s more or less on again off again because the lines between friends and lovers has already been blurred. She hangs out with the pack as often as possible, though she does pop back and forth between the planes more than anyone else she makes plenty of time to drag the crew along to seedy dive bars for post punk shows on the regular and they all blend right in
Zeke (WIP last name)- ((more of a secondary muse if you have good rp ideas it helps to bring his muse out!)) demon? (He refuses to disclose), he says he’s the oldest by a year but he’s cagey about the exact numbers late 20s, He/Him, unsettling and occasionally uncanny yet he’s the comic relief of any tense situation. He also frequently dyes his hair, typically shades of muted blues and greens, it’s just at his shoulders very overgrown and messy, he sports a tan that comes and goes with the seasons when he isn’t pasty white. His eyes are a light brown with metallic flakes that catch in the light, it doesn’t seem they glow or change at all with talent use but there is a sharpness to them that’s otherworldly even among hellhounds and other-planar beasts. He met the group on earth when they were all 19-21 ish at a house show and they clicked instantly, he mostly hangs out with the group and prefers to not be on his own unless he’s set on a mission (usually it’s a snack run- this man can eat). He’s dodgy about personal information and can be generally unsettling to be around if you’re unfamiliar with him, but he does his best to quell those feelings in other people when he speaks to them.
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