Unnecessary Headcanons;

The Toymaker is Q Jr trying to live up to his father but failing to understand when things can go too far.

Fic: “Four Letters and a Funeral” (The Magicians)

Four Letters and a Funeral

Author: Lexalicious70

Fandom: The Magicians

Rating: Teen and Up

Word Count: 1,943

Warnings: Canon character death

Spoilers for 3x05

Summary: Four letters from the mosaic universe and how they play a part in the lives of Quentin, Eliot, Arielle, and little Rupert.

Author’s Notes: This is for the @whitespiresarmory’s Armory Challenge, Week 3: “Letters.” All errors are my own. I don’t own The Magicians, this is just for the fun of it all. Comments and kudos are magic: enjoy!

Read it on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19758550

Four Letters and a Funeral

By Lexalicious70 (all_hale_eliot)

 Quentin wrote a letter the evening he’d kissed Eliot.

 Words always came to him simpler when he put them on paper. There was no eye contact to maintain, phrases and meanings could be chosen with more care, and his pen didn’t stutter or become afflicted with a severe case of what Eliot called the ‘uhms.’ With these circumstances came a kind of confidence that Quentin didn’t possess very often, and the letter flowed out onto the page as Eliot dozed on the blanket they’d laid out earlier in the evening. The words flickered in the firelight.

 Dear Eliot,

 I’ve never been very good at being sure of my actions. No matter the situation, I usually end up second guessing myself or obsessing over the outcome had I chosen the other option. You’re probably aware of this, and maybe you’ve even been on the receiving end of this habit I can’t seem to shake. But I want you to know that tonight, when I kissed you, I’ve never been surer of anything, even when Dean Fogg asked me if I wanted to study magic at Brakebills.

 I keep thinking about the way you kissed me back . . . it was so different than the night we had with Margo. I don’t remember a lot of details, but your kisses then were hungry, like you’d been waiting your whole life to kiss me. I don’t know if it was the wine or the emotion bottles or if you really had been waiting to kiss me since the moment we met, but the time we spent together tonight makes me realize that it doesn’t have to be complicated; it seems like we both want the same thing, so why the fuck not? We’re here, and we care about each other, and that feels like it’s enough. I’m sorry that it’s taken me a year to figure this out, but I do love you, Eliot, and I hope it’s not too late for me to live my life here—to live it with you.

 Yours, Always,

 Q

 Quentin slipped the letter into Eliot’s pocket and stretched out next to him on the homespun blanket, under the cover of starlight, before giving himself over to sleep.

 5 Days Later

 A letter appeared tucked between the pages of The World in the Walls, which Quentin had been carrying in his Sharo bag when they’d traveled to this universe. Eliot was outside sorting mosaic tiles, and Quentin pushed back his long hair as he sat down in the little eating nook they’d made and opened the sheet of cream-colored parchment. Eliot’s handwriting was as elegant as everything else about him, the script leaning toward the right.

Dear Q,

 There is no ‘maybe’ when it comes to being on the receiving end of your lack of self-confidence, but thank you for acknowledging that shortcoming. I have plenty of my own, however, so please don’t think that I hold this against you. We all have our demons, and sometimes they cause us to hurt the ones we care about.

 I never expected you to kiss me that night, but my God, it was like you opened a door that I was sure had slammed shut that night with Margo (actually more like shut and then nailed closed,) and you gave me another chance at something I thought I had ruined forever because I was selfish. And I was hungry that night, Q, I’d been dreaming of the taste of your lips, your skin, your cock . . . and I gave into my desires even though I knew it was selfish. Maybe I knew, as drunk as I was, that what we did was bound to cause trouble between you and Alice. I don’t know if I can say I’m sorry for that, because once I tasted you, Q, all I’ve ever wanted was more.

 I have plenty of reasons to refuse you: the strangeness of this world, the thought that you may just be lonely, my own issues with commitment and my fears that I may somehow end up hurting you. But all that aside, Q, I have one overwhelming reason for saying yes, and it’s this: I love you, Quentin Coldwater. From the moment you stumbled from the bushes, sweaty and floppy-haired, and asked me if you were hallucinating, you’ve held a piece of my heart.

 That being said, all I can do now is offer you the rest.

 Always Yours,

 Eliot

 Two Years Later

 “Oh, goddamn it!”

 Eliot turned from the weaving loom to regard Quentin, who was crumpling up what looked like his sixth piece of parchment in fifteen minutes, his cheeks flushed with emotion. Eliot locked the loom so the shirt he was making wouldn’t unravel and went over to his partner.

 “What is it, Q?”

 “I’m trying to write a letter to Arielle so we can—you know—tell her how we feel and everything? But I can’t get the words right. It either sounds too formal or like I’m offering something that’s inappropriate. I love her—I’ve told her that already, so why is it so hard to write this?”

 “Well let’s see.” Eliot dragged a chair over and produced a new piece of parchment. “Maybe I can help. After all, I want her to stay too. She’s good for you, Q,” Eliot had said as they sat down to write the letter together. “and didn’t our P.A. teacher say that the triangle is the strongest shape in nature?”

 “You and Margo always ditched P.A.”

 “Did we? Hmmph . . . I must have heard her say it while we were portaling our way out the back. “Let’s see . . .”

 The letter took over two hours to draft, and when it was finished, Eliot and Quentin left it in the empty wicker basket near the door, where Arielle always placed their fresh fruit. It read:

 Our Dearest Arielle,

 There are many things we’ve found to be special about this place, but you are the most unique by far. Your kindness, the way you always went out of your way to visit us, spoke volumes about your generous nature. Our fondness for you has, over the past few months, become something more, and we’d like to invite you to stay. We know from past experience that this kind of relationship is pretty common in Fillory, especially when it comes to a man having both a wife and a husband. While we consider ourselves married, we know that adding you to our family would only make it stronger and more complete.

 It's true that we never expected someone to come into our lives that would affect us like you have. But life, like magic, is unpredictable. You may be a part of the puzzle when it comes to the beauty of all life, or maybe you appeared because you hold a different kind of beauty, one that Quentin certainly doesn’t want to live without. We both believe you’re good for us in many ways, Arielle, and because we’ve learned that families in Fillory are created and not always bound by blood, your staying with us and becoming a part of our family makes sense.

 We hope you say yes.

 Affectionately Yours,

 Quentin and Eliot

Six years later

 They found the letter hidden in a folded, embroidered piece of cloth among Arielle’s things a few weeks after her death, when Quentin finally responded to Eliot’s pleas to leave their bed, where he’d been since Arielle and her stillborn daughter, Grace, were buried in the woods behind their cottage. Neither magic or medicine could stop the hemorrhaging once little Grace had come into the world, blue and silent, leaving Quentin, Eliot, and their four-year-old son, Rupert, bereft.

 “What do we do?” Quentin asked, fresh tears coursing down his cheeks as he held up the envelope with Rupert’s name on it. Sun poured through the cottage window and Eliot noticed a few glimmering strands of silver in his husband’s long, tawny hair. “He’s too little to read and maybe he won’t understand—he keeps asking me when his mom and the baby are coming back.” The last word hung itself on a sob and Eliot drew Quentin into his arms.

 “Shhh, Q. It’s all right. Shhh, my love.” He soothed, kissing Quentin’s forehead and temples before producing a cool, wet cloth in one hand. He used it to wipe Quentin’s face. “Hey . . . listen. Rupert is going to be fine. He’s a tough little man. Why don’t we read it to him? Hmm? I bet he’d like it.”

 “Y-Yeah,” Quentin sniffled. “It’s his, after all.”

 ***

They sat in the main room of the cottage, where the sun cast long fingers of light through the windows well into the late afternoon. Eliot made himself comfortable in the rocker while Quentin sat in his favorite chair with Rupert in his lap, the boy’s head on his shoulder. Quentin rubbed his back while Rupert sucked his thumb and listened to his Papa Eliot read.

 My Dearest Little Rupert,

 If your daddies found this letter, I hope they read it to you. You are my special little blossom, and I want you to know how much you are loved.

 You live in a world of infinite magic, little one, but if fate decides that I can’t be with you, there are a few things I want you to remember:

 Always listen to your daddies. They know what’s best for you and will always protect and love you

Be kind to nature. It will always return your kindness with bounty

Fall apples make for the best pies

Eliot passed the letter to Quentin, who cleared his throat and continued reading.

 Flowers and fruit blossoms want to be noticed and admired—always stop and do so

Nature has its own magic

Learn to weave from your Papa Eliot—it’s a talent you will use all your life

You will always be in my heart, my little blossom, no matter where I travel. I am a part of you, which means you never have to feel lonely. I am no further away than the beating of your own heart. Take care of your daddies—they’re a part of you, too.

 I Love You Forever,

 Mommy

 Quentin folded the letter with one hand and set it aside. Rupert raised his head from his father’s shoulder.

 “Daddy?”

 “Yeah Rupe?”

 “Can you teach me to read and write, so I can write mommy a letter back?”

 “Sure I can,” Quentin smiled and smoothed his son’s hair to one side. “But for now, I think it’s time I helped you wash up for supper.” He lifted Rupert up and carried him toward the little washroom they’d added a few years earlier, his free hand trailing along Eliot’s shoulder with affection. Eliot touched it in return and watched the light fade from the room as he recalled the words of the letter Quentin had written him so long ago.

 We’re here, and we care about each other, and that feels like it’s enough.

 Fin

Getting to Know...

Slow Shudder.

Slow Shudder, real name Amanda Mayo, is a multi-faceted producer, DJ, vocalist & songwriter. Born in Miami, FL, and drawing inspiration from her time in New York City, London, Los Angeles, she currently resides in Seattle, WA. Her versatile sound encompasses her many musical influences across indie electronic, dance, experimental, and alternative music, culminating in a way that’s best described as forward-thinking, boundary-pushing pop that sits two steps ahead of the current.

She released her self-produced debut single, ‘Call You Back,’ in 2016 while pursuing her Masters degree in Popular Music from Goldsmiths, University of London (alumni include James Blake, Rosie Lowe, A.G. Cook, AObeats, SAKIMA, and FEMME), and has been making a name for herself over the past few years with a series of diverse collaborations, including releases on Moving Castle and Ultra Records.

We had a chat with Slow Shudder all about her latest EP Off the Rails, her influences and more. Read the Q&A below.

What led you to make music?

“I’ve been making music for as long as I can remember, and I’m guessing I started just because I thought it was fun! My grandpa was a professional jazz pianist and music teacher. He gave me a mini keyboard + sampler when I was a toddler, and I was obsessed with it. Ever since, I’ve always felt the desire to make / perform music in some way. There have been moments in my life where I was in school full-time and also working, or working multiple jobs, when I didn’t have much time to write or produce. During those periods, I remember feeling really lost without a creative practice. What always led me back to making music was a necessity to articulate emotions that I find trouble processing with words alone.”

How would you describe your sound? Who/what are your biggest influences?

“I’d describe my current sound as left-field electronic pop. I like combining unexpected production elements with pop songwriting structures and techniques, so there’s combination of familiarity and surprise. I enjoy working with contrasts in general, such as digital synths on top of organic-sounding drums made out field recordings and glitched up abrasive noises underneath a hooky, positive vocal melody.

“Musically, I have a lot of influences so it’s hard to pinpoint which ones are the biggest. I grew up always seeking out artists that committed themselves to being really vulnerable in their work, especially when the arrangements and production were unlike anything I’d heard before. I often felt really isolated within my head, especially as a teenager and in my early 20s, so finding songs that I could relate to and feel understood by was the best thing ever. Music got me through so much. It’s one of the major reasons why I wanted to be an artist myself, to hopefully pass on that feeling to my own listeners. Some artists / bands that come to mind are Feist, Regina Spektor, Imogen Heap, The xx, Cat Power, Radiohead, Elliott Smith, Kimya Dawson, Tune-Yards, Kathleen Hanna, TV on the Radio, and Yeah Yeah Yeahs.”

You've just released your debut EP Off the Rails. What was the inspiration behind the record? What was your songwriting process?

“Yeah, I’m so excited the EP is finally out! I’ve been working on it for so long, it honestly feels surreal that it’s actually in the world and not just a bunch of Ableton projects on my hard drive haha. I wanted to make sure that the first body of work I released was a representation of different sides of myself, as an artist and as a person.  

“The songs were written between 2016-2018, but most were produced in 2018. I went through tons of versions production-wise over those years, but it took me a while to get to a sound that I felt was really true to myself as a producer. The lyrics tell a narrative of the path I often take when I’m getting to know someone, platonically or romantically.

“The title track, ‘Off the Rails’, is the introduction, where I’m not inhibited by expectations and I’m able to feel safe in the comfort of a blank slate. ‘Strongest Drug’ represents an awareness that I often dive in deep with someone really quickly, and that that can be messy and complicated, depending on the situation. I’ve often stepped back from a new relationship or friendship because I’ve thought “I’ve shared too much,” and I end up craving distance. ‘Replay’ is about overcoming that fear, when I’m still worried about trusting someone new but I start to entertain the possibility that I could. Then ‘Ideal Future’ is about when I get carried away with the possibilities of the relationship in my head. It’s a bit of an auditory representation of those positive daydreams you have about people, where you can envision being together or being friends 25 years from now and all of the fantasies that revolve around sharing your time for this imagined future history. And then ‘Just As You Are’ is when I start to see the truth of the situation. It’s the moment where I leave all the various thoughts I explored in the previous songs and start connecting in a way that is more rooted in reality, recognizing the many dimensions and complexities of who this other person is, who I am and how we can relate to one another.

What was your favourite part recording Off the Rails and what things have you learned during the creative process of your first EP?

“My favourite part was definitely when I was experimenting with each song in the early stages of the production. I tried to actively push myself out of my comfort zone in each track. There’s an old dial up internet / dial tone type noise in the song ‘Off The Rails’ that came out of playing with a randomiser on the Ableton effect, Beat Repeat, over an arp. It sounded  different every time, so I resampled like 20 different takes to separate audio channels until I got one that I thought worked perfectly. I also loved working with field recordings in that song. The high pitched falling sound at the beginning of that track, which is also the beginning of the EP, is the sound of an Overground train pulling into a station that I used to travel through all the time when I lived in London.

“I also loved collaborating on the production on both ‘Replay’ and ‘Just As You Are’. I made ‘Replay’ with my partner, Cosmicosmo, and we had tons of fun playing around with different ideas for it, and I feel like he brought so many incredible elements to it that really took it to the next level, especially with the drums and percussion, which I’d been really stuck on. I made ‘Just As You Are’ with one of my close friends, SAKIMA, when I visited London after moving to LA. We used to write and produce together often when we were in our music grad programme, and I’d missed working with him so much! When I brought the song to him, I’d tried a bunch of different ideas but nothing stuck, and he helped me figure out the missing pieces.

“The main things I learned during the course of making my EP were: Don’t be so hard on yourself. Take your time. Enjoy the process.”

Finally, what do you hope listeners will take away from your music?  

“I hope my work gives listeners a sense of being understood and a sense of connection. In a broader sense, I also hope that my music can inspire others to make music of their own, especially other womxn who are interested in production and electronic music.”

Photo credit: Liyv Anufia

Interview with song-writer Elaizz.

Interview with song-writer Elaizz.   Nirlimo - LMMS Fan    Elaizz- song-writer, music producer    (Q) - question  (A) - answer    Nirlimo:    Hello Sasha, I'm glad that I had the opportunity to talk with you.    Elaizz:    Hi :)    Nirlimo (Q):    This is our first interview with you, and, as far as I know this is your first interview in life.   Elaizz: (A):  Yes, right..    Nirlimo (Q):  Please, tell us a little about yourself.    Elaizz: (A):  Well, I do not even know what to say about myself ...  I was born in a family of musicians. I remember that our family traveled a lot, my father always went to various countries, performed, and played musical instruments in a band. From the very childhood I listened to a lot of music, I danced and sang. I performed on stage, in front of a huge hall that was full of people.     Then, along with the music, I had other completely different interests. I graduated from the drawing school. I also did a lot of dancing, singing, in general, I will not tell too much, but for all the time, I've tried many different things, and hobbies, from fashion and makeup, to fascination with various musical equipment:) But, one day it's just happened, and I just wrote my first song, and now, as a result, I'm a music producer.     Nirlimo (Q):    So, you're a producer?    Elaizz (A):  Yes, you can say that. :)     Nirlimo (Q):    Have you studied this somewhere? I mean - producing    Elaizz: (A):  You mean, do I have an education, and have I graduated from college or university? No, I have no special musical education.    Nirlimo (Q):     Ok, so someone helped you to acquire knowledge?    Elaizz: (A):  :) No Unfortunately. There was no such thing, you know, that someone came, and just taught you everything :)   I studied myself. I had to go through a very hard way, think a lot, well, I really have to think a lot:) and solve a lot of small and big problems, and even troubles:)  In general, this way was very complicated for me. I can not even remember that in life something was so difficult for me as to become a music producer:)  I started with the LMMS forum, listened to the work of beginning musicians, tried to understand their mistakes, spent a lot of time trying to study my favorite LMMS program.     Nirlimo (Q):     Why did you choose LMMS for work with?    Elaizz: (A):  The answer is simple:) I did not have any money to buy a paid soft, and I had nowhere to take this money. Since then, I'm a fan of Open Source software. I think that these guys, I mean developers, in general, these guys are doing a great job:)     Nirlimo (Q):    And, besides producing, what are you still doing?    Elaizz: (A):  Yes, I sing, I do dancing, drawing, I like a lot of other things, from fashion  to all audio and video equipment ..     Nirlimo (Q):    Are you sure you did mentioned everything?:)  Answer:  No, to be honest, it's not all:) Well, does it matter?:) Yes, I'm also interested in directing, camerawork, scriptwriting ... Okay, I think we can stop here?    Nirlimo (Q):     Okay, as you wish.  Please tell us about how you wrote your first song?     Elaizz: (A):  There's a funny story:) When I was still living in Japan, I composed my first song in life, called: Kuma Yeti. This song was about my cat. He is a very rare breed, American Curl. And besidest, other cats of this breed, did not look like him:) This inspired me, to write a song ... ...     Nirlimo (Q):    So you were the owner of a cat that was unique in appearance? Very rare in its kind?    Elaizz: (A):  Yes, that's what I wanted to say. He was more like a bear, not a cat ... Probably this is a special kind of American Curl, which is found only in Japan, or maybe only in the store where I bought it.  Therefore, my first song is called: Kuma-Yeti, which translates as Bear-Yeti.     Nirlimo (Q):    It's funny:) It turns out that at first it was Japanese songs? And when did you start writing English songs?     Elaizz: (A):   Yes, my very first songs were in Japanese.  My first English song, I wrote after one very interesting incident. In general, one day, I decided to buy myself a new laptop. I bought it at an auction, from one person. But it turned out that this man was stealing money from buyers, and many people suffered along with me. He was caught by the police, and he had to return all the money back, as people did not receive any goods or money. It was my turn, and my money was returned to me. But, by that time, I no longer wanted a laptop, I wanted to buy something else. And quite unexpectedly for myself, I bought my first ever electronic piano - Medeli m5. Of course, it did not sound so excellent, I dreamed about Casio, but Medeli M5 - that's all I had enough money for then:) After I got the piano, literally the next day, I suddenly wrote my first song in English - “Birthday today”. Since then, I'm writing songs. So that's it, the man who stole my money - changed my life.   Nirlimo (Q):     An amazing story:)    Elaizz: (A):  Yes, but in fact, I have a lot of such stories from my life, maybe one day I'll tell them:)     Nirlimo (Q):    . Okay, Sasha, there's so much you do yourself. Does anyone help you?    Elaizz: (A):  There are some people who can help sometimes with advice, support with some good word ... But, if you ask, does anyone help me with the music?     No, 99% of all the work I do myself. Sometimes, friends or relatives can help me, but, they do not do this constantly, but only sometimes, when they have time, or desire - to help:)     Nirlimo (Q):     Probably, very hard for you. How do you cope with all this?     Elaizz: (A):  In fact, I am very grateful for the words of Beyonce: she once said that - music, this is the only thing that makes her ignore other problems. These words inspire me. They help to cope with various difficulties. Thanks Beyonce:)  By the way, I really respect her as a person:)     Nirlimo (Q):     Do you have any other idols?     Elaizz: (A):  Oh, well, there are a lot of them:) Is it necessary to list all:) It will take not one hour:) After all, each of them has its own merits, and I can talk about it for hours on end:) I'm afraid we will not have enough time for this:)     Nirlimo (Q):     Okay, okay, then just give the names   Elaizz: (A):  The names of my idols?     Nirlimo (Q):     Yes, starting with the most important for you.    Elaizz: (A):  Okay, let's take the first places: Michael Jackson, Max Martin Swedish producer, Quincy Jones ..Beyonce, Shakira .. Elon Musk. You know, in fact, it's a very long list of names, and about each of them, I can tell a lot:) So, how much I'm interested in the biography of such people. and I do not want to offend any of them, putting them on the first, or second or third place:)  All these people, I respect the same.     Nirlimo (Q):     You named people who are somehow connected with music, but what does a person like Elon Musk do among them? Why is he also your idol?     Elaizz: (A):  Elon Musk is an idol for me because he is a very purposeful person who is devoted to his dream. I really like it, and the fact that he does not just want to live this life without doing something great in it. I believe that if many people was like him, then our world would have been way more developed than now.     Nirlimo (Q):    By the way, you gave me recently to listen to your new song, called "Alive". You said that it was dedicated to Elon Musk. Tell me please, what is this song about?     Elaizz: (A):  This is my newest song. Yes, I really dedicated it to Elon Musk.     Nirlimo (Q):    Could you decipher for the readers some phrases from the song?    Elaizz: (A):   Ok, I'll try:) For example, words: “in city of sin i had to begin” - means that he began his journey, being in ordinary conditions, and being an ordinary person. The total mass of people, who do not really want to achieve anything special, and mired in their instincts.    Next words:”can, or cannot,   i don't wanna devide   i am not gonna wait   i am not gonna hide”   “break down the walls,   push off the lies”   - I will break any obstacles on the way to my dream     And in the chorus: “I Just wanna to be a live” - okay, there are a lot of meanings:). The first meaning is that he wants to feel this life, to live, not to just exist. Second meaning: it means that a human is a person who creates something, and it makes him something more than just a human being.. And the third meaning is a global meaning. As it is correct, such people as Elon Musk, see the faults of humanity, and what they can lead to. Possibly, self-abasement. For example - if you do not create the necessary medicines, to protect your species, well, that is - humanity) or not fly to another planet. Do you understand?  After all, a person wants to survive as a species. Other people - just prefer not to do anything, and just live, wasting your life and time. That is - one person - thinks for everyone, realizing that we are all in the same boat. And the fourth meaning is that he feels that he is doing all this, and  it turns out, that he feels alive. He feels himself full of life.      Nirlimo (Q):     This is very interesting, thank you:) I hope that Elon Musk will be pleased to learn that somebody understood his thoughts. Let's move on to the next question. Tell me please, what are your plans for the next year or two?     Elaizz: (A):   Haha ... Well, I would really like to make great clips for my songs. I have everything ready, there are scripts, there are ideas, there is actually everything except one. Financial opportunities and money, to embody all this. Therefore, I can not tell you exactly what will happen in the near future:) You know, it's hard to judge your plans if you can not totally manage everything yourself in your life:) Unfortunately, for now for me it's like this: ) But, I hope that everything will work out in time:)    Nirlimo (Q): Ok, Sasha. I hope next time, we'll discuss with you your music videos. By the way, perhaps someone who is your fan may want to help you, how can people do this?   Elaizz: (A):   Yes, I have a page on the Patreon. If anyone wants to help, then please. I will appreciate any help.  I also have VEVO channel  Nirlimo (Q): I wish you creative success, thank you for taking the time to this small interview.   Bye Sasha Elaizz: (A):   And thank you too:) Bye Nirlimo:)