#<— posters for a ‘movie’ that doesn’t actually exist but is a tumblr meme in which everyone pretends it does&makes content for it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

faisdm · 1 year

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The one downside to Tumblr, compared to say, Twitter, is that Tumblr just doesn’t care about your original works. It is painfully difficult to get people on Tumblr to give even a single shit about an original comic, story or game. It’s not a new thing, of course, it’s been like that for over a decade... but it’s always disappointing, and if you’re new here and thinking “maybe someday if I get really good and get published, or get really popular in a fandom, they’ll care!” No... sorry, they won’t, and you need to know that, or you’ll keep trying to please them and slowly get worn down by it as nothing you do seems to get you anywhere, even if you’re giving them everything they loudly proclaim they want.

It’s bizarre; people on Tumblr would rather invent an entire non-existent movie by rich cishet people and pretend it has gay subtext- subtext! Not even text!- than read original queer works by queer creators and discuss and celebrate them! Like, FFS, Tumblr, LOVE YOURSELVES. The best you can imagine for yourselves is hypothetically being queerbaited!?

And don’t get me wrong, I love the shared creativity of all the posters and things and the in-joke of the made up gangster movie, but coming back to Tumblr after a while on Twitter, hoping for a “better place” I’m inevitably reminded of why I always end up drifting off it. I want people to read my work; I put a lot of effort into it, and spending time on a platform that aggressively doesn’t give a shit while proclaiming “boy, I wish there were more things like [describes exactly my work]... but there aren’t, so we’ll just have to pretend the characters from this straight series by straight people might have maybe not been straight!” is just....EUGH. It’s tiresome! People on twitter will take a chance on it! People on Tiktok will give it a go, and even Facebook! It has thousands of subscribers, it’s on a Tapas program, it ran a pretty successful Kickstarter, and I’ve been published multiple times, so it’s clearly not a bad comic... and it has everything Tumblr claims to like in it! Sword lesbians, political metaphors, meme jokes, autistic and nonbinary representation, positive bisexual rep... AND it’s made by a long-time Tumblr person from the fucking Homestuck fandom! (over ten years as admin and VA on one of the biggest Homestuck projects that exists, an artist on not just fan albums, but two of the official albums!) What more can I give you to convince you this comic is for you, Tumblr!? I made it for you!

The problem with Tumblr is that everyone talks like they’re super open-minded and totally interested in supporting marginalised people... but they’re really not? They’re actually interested in curating an image, and if “supporting marginalised people” is part of that image, somebody will reblog content about the concept of supporting marginalised people. But you’re marginalised in publishing and hoping Tumblr will actually support your work focused on themes and groups underrepresented in media? Tumblr won’t help you, because people on Tumblr people only care about a thing if you can make it fit within the narrow band of “on brand” things that they’re already into. So you actually have to have a massive fandom already before Tumblr will feel like your fandom’s content has an audience and so is safe to share as part of the brand you’ve curated.

...and sadly, that’s why for original creators, Tumblr can never replace Twitter, even though Twitter is the worst; because we need to find people who will actually try new things, and Tumblr people don’t. They’ll just sit there, reblogging the same stuff about “what if these two canonically straight white men in suits cuddled a little bit?” And then make the tired excuse that “Well, I HAVE to do this because nobody provides the real queer content I would totally consume if it was real!” and waving that very real queer content in their faces will just result in them pretending not to see it.

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totallyjazzed · 4 years

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Analysing Copaganda (or "I watched seven seasons of Brooklyn 99 so you don't have to")

Introduction:

Several months ago my parents approached me asking if I wanted to watch Brooklyn 99, not knowing anything about it, my first instinct was to say no, but then I thought it would be interesting, to watch it and write a proper analysis for exactly what makes it propaganda and why it gives liberals brain worms. If you've spent any amount of time engaging with politics online for the last few years, you've likely already heard of Brooklyn 99. It's a sitcom written by Michael Schur, who previously wrote The Office (I'll get to that later), Parks & Recreation, and The Good Place. The show follows the lives of a squad of police detectives in Brooklyn and the wacky hijinks they get up to.

Brooklyn 99 has become famous, or arguably infamous, on Tumblr (and potentially other social media websites too) for being used as a "retort" to anti-cop sentiments (namely ACAB and any variation thereof), mainly taking the form of "the only good cop is Raymond Holt". In this essay (to use a funny Tumblr meme phrase) I will provide a brief overview of the show and the main characters, and analyse how the show, and each character individually, is pro-cop propaganda (copaganda).

The Show:

Brooklyn 99 is The Office, at least from what I understand about The Office. It’s a sitcom based in a workplace in which characters often pull pranks on each other and have wacky adventures pertaining to their job. The main thing that sets it apart from The Office is that the workplace in question is a police station, this makes it a cop show too. However, unlike more “classic” cop shows like CSI, Law & Order, The Wire, and so on, B99 doesn’t seek to glorify it’s characters as action heroes, but rather paint them as normal people living normal lives. This is far more insidious than the picture of the gnarled man of action who doesn’t play by the book, and by making the characters relatable the show gives viewers people to project onto, making them more vulnerable to the propaganda of the show.

Occasionally, in a break from the antics of Relatable Immature Prankster Archetype and Funny Overly Attached Best Friend Archetype, the show will attempt to say something about racism, or homophobia, or misogyny, or something like that, and while it usually feels well-meaning it often falls flat as it’s a watered-down safe-for-TV version of whatever the issue du jour is.

In S4E16 (“Moo Moo”), Terry is harassed by a racist cop while he doesn’t have his badge, and is almost arrested until he manages to prove his cop status, the rest of the episode revolves around how racism is bad and that one singular racist cop is a problem, in the end Terry submits a complaint to the NYPD higher-ups and gets his job application denied, and the racist cop gets away with a slap on the wrist. Throughout the show, Captain Holt tells stories about how he suffered from racism and homophobia, and still does. Transphobia is mentioned once (presumably for brownie points) in a throwaway line about Ace Ventura.

At the end of Season 4, Jake and Rosa are framed for a series of bank robberies and sent to prison, and the first two episodes of Season 5 work to show that prison is bad and prisoners are mistreated, they also make abundantly clear that everyone in prison is a menace and deserves to be there (Jake’s cellmate is a literal cannibal and he’s shown to be one of the nice inmates), once the duo are released from jail, there are a few lines here and there about how prison is bad, but they’re only throwaways used to serve as one-off jokes and never again used as an actual critique of the prison system.

Police Brutality is never mentioned, the closest it comes to bringing it up is in S1E19 (“Tactical Village”), where Rosa is introduced to a sonic-blast weapon and aims it as Charles, this is clearly supposed to be a very harmful piece of equipment, but it's only appearance is treated as a joke.

There are also recurring gags about Defense Lawyers being “the enemy” because they only defend guilty parties (the show heavily implies that none of the squad has ever arrested the wrong person), which meshes with the harmful stereotype in cop shows of only guilty people saying for a lawyer or a warrant or whatever, which has been documented before by others.

The Characters:

Jake Peralta (played by Andy Samberg) is the Relatable Immature Prankster Archetype I mentioned before, he’s the office funnyman and usually responsible for the majority of the goings-on and goings-wrong in the show, while he does mature and evolve through the show he never grows out of this character. He’s the closest the show gets to the “gnarled man of action who doesn’t play by the book” character I mentioned before, not because he is that character but because he wants to be, his favourite movie is Die Hard and it’s the reason he joined the police, so he could be like the cool bruce willis man. He’s also the most unlawful character on the show, in S1E7 (“48 Hours”), he arrests a man with no evidence and the squad is essentially locked down until evidence can be found, in the end it turns out the man is guilty. Jake is scolded for this, not for essentially breaking the law, but for wasting everyone’s time when they had much better things to do that night. Jake’s character is propaganda because he’s the zany relatable one with a heart of gold.

Amy Santiago (played by Melissa Fumero) is the overly-organised hyper-nerd archetype, in direct opposition to Jake. Her dream is to be the NYPD’s youngest female captain, and she’s very “I want to keep the people safe” in her approach to policing. In S3E3 (“Boyle’s Hunch”), she is used as the face of the NYPD’s poster campaign, only to have her image vandalised, which is painted by the show as being very bad and sad. Amy’s character is propaganda because she’s the uptight peacekeeper who sticks to the rules.

Charles Boyle (played by Joe Lo Truglio) is the Funny Overly Attached Best Friend Archetype I mentioned before, often depicted as bumbling and naive, he’s an incredibly competent detective, arguably more so than Jake. He’s usually polite and friendly, and has moments of childishness that compliment Jake’s character. Charles’ character is propaganda because he’s the nice guy who just wants what’s best for everyone.

Raymond Holt (played by Andre Braugher) is probably the character most people are aware of, he’s a somewhat stuck-up man who embodies a lot of the same characteristics as Amy, he’s highly-educated, incredibly smart and quick-witted, and emotionally restrained. Originally presented as an outsider, being the new guy to the pre-existing friendgroup, he learns to relax and let go over the course of the show, and acts almost as a father figure to the other characters, primarily Jake and Amy. Raymond’s character is propaganda because he’s a black gay cop.

Rosa Diaz (played by Stephanie Beatriz) is tough, aloof, and often scary in the eyes of the other characters, she is shown to have problems with engaging with people socially, particularly romantically, and while her exterior is rough as uncaring, she’s shown to be fiercely loyal and have some not-so-tough secrets. In Season 5 she comes out to the squad as Bisexual. Rosa’s character is propaganda because she’s the no-nonsense tough cop who secretly has a heart of gold.

Terry Jeffords (played by Terry Crews) is a kind and caring man with a firm-but-fair attitude, acting as Holt’s second-in-command he also acts as a father figure to the other characters, he has two (eventually three) children which he is often seen gushing about. He is the most mature of the group, on-par with Holt in some respects but sometimes more so, refusing to take part in hijinks to focus on his job. Terry’s character is propaganda because he’s the physically strong and imposing, yet kind cop who just wants to provide for his family.

Michael Hitchcock (played by Dirk Blocker) and Norm Scully (played by Joel McKinnon Miller) are an inseparable pair of bumbling, lazy, oafs. Scully is fat, lazy, and old, Hitchcock is lecherous, lazy, and old. They’re propaganda because they’re the lazy incompetent cop archetype.

There are plenty of minor recurring characters, as well as Gina Linetti, a main character who left after Season 6, however as she’s a liaison and not a cop I won’t be analysing her in detail.

There’s a lot more I could have mentioned here, from the dirty cop that sense Jake and Rosa to jail, or the police commissioner who wants to spy on everyone’s phones all at once, Holt even says the line “I don’t want to live in a Police State”, but I’ve left them out for the sake of brevity.

Conclusion:

Brooklyn 99 is copaganda to it’s very core, this much everyone already knows, but unlike serious cop dramas and high-stakes high-action cop shows, Brooklyn 99 offers viewers an escape to a world where the police are the force for good that people want them to be. The premise of “The Office but police” suckers people in with nostalgia for the late 2000s/early 2010s back when things were “good”. Given Michael Schur’s previous work I imagine he and the other writers didn’t explicitly set out to make copaganda, but it’s undeniable that this is what was achieved. And now with the political climate being what it is and the threat of a potential Season 8 addressing this year’s BLM protests, it’s now more important than ever to be able to identify and root out police propaganda, no matter how unassuming, no matter the source.

#long post

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userpurple · 4 years

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so i’ve been on this blessed hellhole for like, 4 years? and one of the things i’ve noticed is the amazing content the teens and twenty-somethings put up here! but then i see that same crowd struggle with assignments, essays and presentations and its sad because so many things are obviously messed up if you can write a detailed analysis on the evolution of art styles but have to drag through a 500-word essay for a school assignment.

i know schools and unis around the world work differently, but i think its safe to say most of them expect you to follow a certain format and norms when it comes to schoolwork. state the facts, be clear and concise, no fooling around, but also be creative and original!

now that last bit’s something of an irony. i can recall so many times trying to “be creative and original” in my assignments and ultimately getting that creative aspect trashed because {insert idek what reason}. as someone who likes being creative, this is really discouraging.

i just wanna say that if teachers and professors can be a little more accommodating to a few pop culture references and meme jokes, and a little more encouraging no matter how crazy the finished result looks, ESPECIALLY TO HIGH SCHOOL AND UNI STUDENTS (no need to talk about all the shit that comes at ya from all sides during that age), we’d do a whole lot better than you’d expect.

because those same people are here on Tumblr knocking everybody’s socks off, the editors who make literal Netflix posters and mind-boggling graphics, the gif-makers who color and special-fx movie and tv show clips better than the actual colorists, the artists who draw better than Disney and Pixar, the text posters who write research paper-quality analyses and thoughts, the meme-ists who ingeniously find ways to connect two completely unrelated dots into a line of breathless hilarity, the minimalists who sum up rambles into a one-line text post.

it’s not an understatement when people equate creativity with being misunderstood. take a moment to try and understand what we’ve put down in front of you, ask us questions and we’re more than happy to explain, but DON’T degrade it right off the bat just because it doesn’t fit into your idea of creative expression.

and finally, trust us. we may not be adults yet, but we aren’t kids either. a little freeform in the assignment doesn’t mean we’re going to go wayward in the exams.

to whoever’s reading this, i’m bolding it so you can skip everything else but not this - thank you for your existence, thank you for sharing your creative gifts on this platform, thank you for continuing despite all the shit going on in your life.

(P.S. I recently hit 100 followers so thank you for that! This is my grateful, whack post of a follower celebration :D)

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mcrmadness · 4 years

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my ask meme: 1, 5, 10, 12, 14, 21, 26

Thank youuuuuu!!! These were for this Ask game.

1. What was your first thought this morning? I woke up from a dream that had something to do with some cathuman turning into a werewolf-like cat creature at nights and it never had a memory of it in the daytime, and they often were asleep and we (idk who I was or who the other people were) were going somewhere with a helicopter and wondering how to keep this catperson’s neck from hurting because they had passed out and the helicopter was moving. It was like waking up in the middle of the dream so I was super tired, and then realized I was thinking about a certain episode of The X-Files and thinking how “that was actually a really good episode if you think about it!”

5. What was the last movie you watched? Tim Burton’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. And before that we watched Corpse Bride too because we’ve have this Tim Burton movie marathon going with my siblings for the past year probably.

10. What color is the wall opposite you right now? White. Finland has normally just white walls - except for some expensive new houses (or old houses and cottages that can have wooden walls). But there’s a Deadpool poster so that’s nice.

12. Share something you have changed your mind on. You used to think one way, now you think differently. I gotta say: global warming. Or I have never really thought differently, I have been aware of it since I was a teenager (in the mid 00s) but it just caused me so much anxiety and was a part of my first mental breakdown at the age of 15, that I just totally blocked it out of my head. I basically was like “if I don’t think about it, it doesn’t exist”. I have anxiety disorder and as a kid I already had a fear of the news. Hearing the news theme song gave me anxiety attacks and I was always feeling like I need to throw up when I was reading a newspaper and saw the pages with the word “foreign countries” on it and tried my best not to look at anything said on those pages as I skipped them, so that I won’t lose my good night’s sleep. I was often having sleepless nights because of worrying about wars, atomic bombs, UFOs and aliens, planes... Finland has always felt so safe to me so I was so afraid of anything that could happen to Finland because of the foreign countries.

So I was having a mental breakdown when I was 15 and felt like I couldn’t run away from the topic “global warming”. Even my English study book was trying to guilt shame us for the things we did, I had just started wearing jeans the year before and them my English books literally says how I’m destroying the world by wearing jeans. And it was just too much. And then the movie “The Day After Tomorrow” came out and we were supposed to go to see it in the movies with my school and I got my mom to write me a note about how I don’t need to go to see that film, and I never did, because already the thought of the movie caused me even more anxiety. I still haven’t seen that movie, and never will watch it. I don’t like catastrophe movies at all.

So, nowadays I’m more aware of this and I don’t block it anymore, and it doesn’t give me as much anxiety as it did. It’s still a terrible topic but now I actually do what I can do and I tell myself that it’s enough that I try my best, it’s still better and more than nothing. Some days I still do feel very terrible and start having the anxiety from carrying the weight of the whole world’s worries on my shoulders but... in the end, I’m still trying my best. I have been told nothing I do counts because I still eat (organic, local) meat occassionally and people (well, one particular one I don’t talk to anymore...) have been trying to guilt shame me into oblivion because of that. But I do think it still counts that I choose eco-friendly cleaning products over those toxic ones (here also my anxiety plays a part, I have ocd-like contamination fears if I handle toxic cleaning stuff), and the fact I only eat organic meat whenever I eat meat, I buy only organic foods and products when possible, I buy MSC or ASC fish only, and I recycle and try to minimize the amount of water I use (also my water bill won’t be as big then). All these still count, because it’s still better than doing nothing. And it’s more important to listen to yourself because there’s no point in building a world you want if that will kill you in the process.

14. What have you learned from your time on tumblr? Nothing? :D:D:D:D No but, I don’t really have memory of anything from here. Which is weird because normally I do remember too much but with Tumblr? I follow blogs I never remember following and I’ve found old messages from people I don’t never remember interacting with and I have rediscovered a few people I had interacted with but didn’t have proper memory of and it’s just so confusing. I only know that in the beginning I was against reblogging because I wanted to be Different and I thought reblogging was stealing so I did basically nothing unless I had something to say. But then I just... stopped caring and now I reblog too much basically and I only like posts from friends and mutuals, and posts that make me so excited reblogging doesn’t feel enough, and posts that I need to find again soon, which is why I keep my liked page hidden because I don’t want to show my friends’ and mutuals’ personal posts to the world. It’s not my business to do that.

21. How do you decide to follow a blog? I usually follow blogs that reblog lots of things that are interesting to me - usually the key is to have a few posts that make me laugh and you’ve got a follower. I don’t like quiet blogs because I want to see stuff on my dash so if I see someone liking but never reblogging anything, I won’t follow. I also follow blogs that don’t have that interesting content if I’ve been interacting with the person behind the blog and it feels better to be mutuals on Tumblr too.

26. Do you drink tap water or spring/mineral water? Tap water. Finland has the cleanest water in the world so it’s perfectly safe to drink. If I don’t have water with me and need to buy a bottle, I usually buy spring water, tho. I don’t like mineral water but I drink it if I have to work in the summer because horse work is very tough work. Tap water (in Finland) is anyway a little bit better and even healthier than bottled water.

Talking of bottled water, the spring water in the bottles is basically same as the tap water - tap water just goes through the water... facilities but you can actually find small springs from the nature and drink from those, but I’m not actually sure anymore if the “spring water” is just an advertising trick - I don’t believe anyone will be sitting in a forest bottling actual spring water after all. Maybe it comes from actual springs and only from certain areas but like... yeah, idk. Anyhow, I’m googling this now.

#lokigodof #ask games #mcrmadness' random stuff #mental health

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postpunkpontypandyphantomthief · 5 years

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7th Comedy Monologue

“Hey my Cheese bags I’m back from my adventure in 1985”

“No joke if you look it up

the timeframe of days for each month this year

are the exact same as they were in 1985”

So all this “80s revival stuff” with Duran Duran and Depeche Mode touring, Petshop Boys releasing a new album, a new generation falling in love with Queen and She-Ra while the world is being messed up by a tyrannical iron lady and a talking tangerine makes a bit of sense doesn’t it?”

Even though I was born in the 2000s I’ve always loved most of the media from that decade, the gothic and upbeat synthesizer music,the cheaply made but entertaining cartoons,the video games,the basic but stylish fashion,the musicals and John Hughes films,the mix of music genres in the charts,Goth,Synth,Punk,2 Tone,Post-Punk,New Wave,Glam Metal,Alternative,Shoegaze,Hip Hop,Electronica

I was watching Saved by the Bell before Netflix even existed

Then again a lot of the shows from then were also being revived back in my day

Dal Winton was presenting game shows, Pingu replaced the scary walrus monsters with rap music, I watched or had VHS tapes of the Muppet show, Noddy, Postman Pat and Scooby Doo.

Scooby-Doo! Now that’s a show that never gets old because it never changes, anyone regardless of what generation they’re from would be able to tell you

“Oh Yeah, I remember Scooby Doo”

When you think about it Scooby Doo is quite philosophical

we are all just a gang going on our own adventures

that and the first few live-action movies are modern masterpieces

I was just browsing Twitter or Tumblr or literally anywhere on the internet only to see that screencaps were taken from the live action Scooby Doo interviews had turned into memes

*ahem*

Well,I was auditioning for the role of Velma, I could sense from the way Matthew Lillard just fully encompassed the role of Shaggy, it felt like he was Shaggy, he was our saviour as he felt his spiritual energy increase, that’s when I knew we were working with a legend

Something like that although Matthew isn’t too fond of the memes himself specifically the ones where his spiritual connections are described more like demon possession rituals

*ahem*

“Being Shaggy has led me down a path of death and destruction. I’ve killed many mortals in hope of replicating 1% of Shaggy’s being, by the end of filming I hope to become one with him”

In which Matthew responded with

*deadpan voice*

This is wrong

I mean I might also have inspirations where I feel like I can philosophically connect with them, in their performing style and personality but that’s where I draw the line

Personality? That’s a tricky subject

You could say some people have consistent personalities

People said Freddie Mercury and David Bowie were party animals who were incredible on stage with their charisma, creativity and charm but other sources have said they were relaxed, laid back people who were shy when being interviewed.

That could just be the contrast between their onstage and offstage personas but not all of us have that, even if we are all just actors in a play, hoping each day goes the right way

Some of us are punk, even if we don’t explicitly say that we are, or have the stereotypical style associated with it,a lot of us just try to be ourselves,some of us can enjoy reality shows and horror movies at the same time,some of us can enjoy One Direction and Gorillaz,some of us can love fashion but also love memes, Theatre, and 1980s aesthetics

I’d say I’m the same but sometimes my personality is all over the place

I can go from being cheerful, relaxed and happy to being dazed and clumsy or cynical or entranced and hyper-fixated to Pessimistic and Cold to Quiet and Timid to Mellow and Loud what personality traits you associate with me, however, is up to your own conclusion

call me any internet subculture stereotype and I’d be able to tell you about how I either, unfortunately, was the stereotype or I hung around people who were those stereotypes

if you said I was someone who watched Cbbc and citv you’d be right

if you said I was a classic rock enthusiast years ago and now you’d be right

if you said I used to be a cringy anime enthusiast you’d be right

if you said I was one of those theatre kids who watched Disney sitcoms you’d be right

if you said I was one of those meme posters who referenced movies like Shrek and bee movie you’d be right

Another thing punks did was and sometimes still do was creating fanzines, magazines related to their favourite band or tv show or their own opinions on what’s going in the world, nowadays you could say social media has replaced that, but publications like the Daily Mirror, The Sun and TMZ still have a presence on there,I’d say fanzines should have a revival.

The BAFTA’s also happened recently and I wasn’t impressed, then again when are awards shows anything other than beauty pageants for films anyway?

Some films deserved their awards, but some films barely got a mention, Paddington 2 wasn’t included in there or in any of the other film awards this year and Stan and Ollie got nothing…

A darn shame because that film was so well made, it felt authentic, while Stan and Ollie also have a bit of a universal following, there are still some people who probably don’t know who they are!

Before Walliams and Lucas, Before the Two Ronnies, Before Richie and Eddie

There was…Laurel and Hardy

Two moustached blokes, who in the 20s and 50s would just try to delight audiences the best way they could, through slapstick and laughter, without them, most of the world’s double acts wouldn’t exist and even Spongebob wouldn’t exist

Yep, you heard me right, all those misadventures Spongebob and Patrick would have, they were loosely based on the adventures of Laurel and Hardy, except instead of it being about a tall British man and a fat American it was about an anthropomorphic sponge and a dumb but caring starfish.

Speaking of Spongebob, there was some sad news involving Spongebob not too long ago

The creator of Spongebob, Stephen Hillenburg…had passed away from ALS

I know, it’s awful,stupid motor neuron diseases and stupid Adam Levine too,for those who don’t know there was an episode of Spongebob called Band Geeks where they ended the episode with the cast playing a song called Sweet Victory over a Superbowl type of event, for the actual super bowl Spongebob fans around the world petitioned for that song to be played in tribute for Stephen,however we got Adam Levine singing a different song instead….what a letdown

If it wasn’t for SpongeBob I and some of the rest of the new generation, wouldn’t know half the old music or old films we know now.

To let down millions of fans like that makes me sick

Honestly, I was a bit sick a few weeks ago, I’ve been sick before and hospitalized twice but this particular moment of sickness was odd

It was like any other night, I was trying to get some sleep and lucid dream, but then it happened, the shivers, the shakes the trembling aches,

Out of nowhere, I felt like an ice-cube stuck in a microwave, It was too cold but it was too warm, I eventually got to sleep but when I got up the next morning I felt sick again, sorry for disclosing those details but it was like the exorcist…

Usually, when I’m sick watching documentaries, Kitchen Nightmares or 90s films weirdly cheers me up

Speaking of films, Rocketman the Elton John movie is out and it actually looks good

It’s being directed by the guy who was the replacement director for Bo Rhap and if it ends up being brilliant I won’t be surprised, the trailer gave off Velvet Goldmine vibes, the style of composed cinematography and I’m sounding like Film Twitter, Isle of Dogs was a good film…oh wait it wasn’t acknowledged much by the award shows either.

Another amazing film I recently watched was Rocky Horror…I know I’ve mentioned it before but that was when I only knew the sequel and some of the soundtrack,

It was amazing, it was brilliant, it was fantastic, it was out of this world,

ah! Rocky Horror was splendid

I definitely now understand why it’s still going strong to this day

It’s that hybrid of rock and roll, optimistic nihilism and soft aesthetics

That just works for me, another thing I’ve remembered was that Richard O’ Brien played the dad in Phineas and Ferb, well that explains that part of me liked that cartoon for the music and some of the characters but other characters did my head in like that Isabel character

“Hey, Phineas what ya dooing?”

“How about you let me finish my invention and you mind your own business”

Oof that’s too harsh…but considering aspects of the marvel Phineas and Ferb crossover were surprisingly a bit sexist at times outdated for the show that is usually quite progressive in its representation and characters…it’s probably accurate

Another person who hasn’t changed but is also often harsh, Piers Morgan, a little tweety bird told me he had a mysterious illness, good riddance I’d say, he’s the new Noel Edmonds, the presenter who used to be ok but now is unbearable…because he never shuts up

Thankfully though he’s “taking a break” from GMB that will rest our eardrums

Russell Brand has also been in the tabloids again, even though he’s more focused on his Buddhist spiritual recovery enlightening, looking back he wasn’t as bad as people described him, yeah at times he was a bit too over the top,but he was and is quite an ok bloke, but I’d say temporarily banning tickling is a bit of a stretch,

when you think about the number of people who disrespect our literal and figurative personal space on a daily basis, it kinda makes a bit of sense,

whether your sensory sensitive or not, I’m sure you hate it, when people are too touchy at times

although years ago I would’ve been a bit of an ignorant hypocrite about that

Hating it when crowds of kids would chase me like how the paparazzi chase their next gossip target, yet often annoyingly running up to people to talk to or entertain them.

I really need to learn to enjoy loneliness more because I get some of my best ideas when alone, but emotionally I feel a lot better when around others, a bit of an Ambivert really,

I’m sorry I can be a bit all over the place, I’m trying to make my energy more manageable

as that lucid dreaming thing has been misused at times,

I shouldn’t let myself be controlled…

by anyone or anything..no overthinking, no overworking,

treat the world as your stage, start your first act, motivated and ready, take your recharging interval breaks and then move on for your second act

fancy that me an ex-drama student making that metaphor when my current course involves digitally drawing art, editing audio and sitting at a computer for most of the day

But then again just because someone shows good charisma that doesn’t always mean their a good person.

Ted Bundy, one of America's most notorious serial killers used charisma and charm in his court cases, and with the amount of fangirls giving him fanmail it was like the Beatles fandom but for people with Stockholm syndrome,and now with Netflix’s documentary and Troy from High School Musical in an upcoming film about him, that seems to be repeating itself…

*Alien voice* Ted Bundy the 1960s called they want your fangirls back!

One show I know you probably haven’t heard of is The Boondocks, a south park esque cartoon with an anime esque art style, referencing the social commentary of African American culture and media, celebrating some aspects while critiquing others, through the lenses of a socialist boy named Huey Freeman, his rapper wannabe brother Riley and their activist grandad Robert.

This show was quite revolutionary,it referenced the issue of each episode quite well, even though it only lasted 4 seasons, however, because the show is quite American, apart from the animation which is done in Korea,The Boondocks is not well known in the UK, which is a shame because it is a really good show that still holds up…however, it does fall under one mousetrap that most other adult cartoons fall into….

Because of the references to violence,innuendo and other dark subject matter sometimes referenced in a satirically humorous way,some audiences would just watch the show because it’s offensive thinking that the show was made just to be offensive..instead of what the show was actually made for..which was to give social commentary on the issues relevant to African American communities in America.

I had watched this show years ago, it only just came back on my radar, because the creator Aaron McGruder, who based the show off his webcomic of the same name, had recently made a new issue.

There’s a difference between being satirical and being offensive

Your either making fun of something bad that a system or people are doing to make people aware of how stupid and sad the world can be at times,subjectively making fun of a stereotype, or your an arse who thinks they’re a comedian when they waste their time on social media, thinking they’re amazing and funny when they’re holding up the line at Mcdonald’s and the only people laughing at their jokes are gammon and people who found Bernard Manning funny

“Oh Wait”

I know sometimes I have unpopular opinions such as how my views of someone dip depending on their views of Kanye West

and sometimes I can be a bit snarky, and I hate and love stuff in equal amounts, but we need a bit of that don’t we, if we bottle it all up we explode like volcanos, but if we overshare too much, we crash like out of control cars

It’s all about moderation, salt is a tasty condiment but eat too much of it and your arteries will get clogged,

A few days back it was the day Mark Ashton passed away, for those who don’t know,he was an LGBT activist in the 80s,he volunteered with organizations such as the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament,he and the other activists helped to support the miners during the miner strike, creating the LGSM Alliance,Lesbians and Gays Support the Miners,there was a film made about them too, called Pride,but what some people don’t know is that….Mark Ashton was Northern Irish…he was one of us..he was the Marsha P Johnson of our time..if we were a bit like Mark Ashton this country would be a slightly more accepting place, why don’t we give love!

Let’s move on, plant more flowers in our garden..I know I sound like a hippie but it’s true, our Celtic Summerland is being used as a cesspool for Nuclear Waste

Oi! use your own bins, not the place we’re living in, pick up your rubbish and clean up your own mess…

The 80s were telling us something with all those protect and survive adverts, yes some of us were prepared as the older generation made us alert, others couldn’t recognize that a lot of innocent people were getting hurt.

When we say we want a 1980s comeback we want the music, clothes, games and films,

but Nope

while we have some of that the 1980s revival we get is the one that involves Nuclear Danger and the ghost of Margaret Thatcher

All these TV and Film revivals, some are cool others are just unnecessary Do we really need a Snow White sequel? No, we don’t but we did get one even if it was unofficial

Back in 2007 a French animation company made a sequel to Snow White which was also a bit like Shrek in how it satirised the fairy tale tropes, how Prince Charming feels like he is objectified while he ends up doing the same thing to the female characters, quite a tosser but that’s the point of the parody to point out the flaws with fairy tale logic, and to put the likes of Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella in more realistic scenarios.

…it’s strange, weird but brilliant too

The English dub had quite a few familiar faces doing the character voices

Stephen Fry as the narrator, Morwenna Banks, Simon Greenall and another British actor

Rik someone...

Ah! I remember his name now, he was in many successful sitcoms in the 80s and 90s,he was a legend, he knew how to keep people laughing, whether they were children, adults, teenagers,

in television, theatre, film or music

quite an eclectic range of talent

Although

I’m a new fan, I might adore his work, but I had just learnt his name 2 years ago, whereas, with other fans, they have created their own work, such as Charlie Brooker and Simon Pegg… some were able to meet him…lucky...

Some encounters were quite interesting, I had heard someone’s nan got to meet him in the 90s but she got his name wrong so she ended up saying

“‘oh hello can I have your autograph please Mr mayo?’

Well that happened, she probably still got that autograph,...

And somewhere up there, Rik Mayall is thinking of us, he, Stephen Hillenburg and David Bowie are probably chatting away

Let’s make the lord of misrule proud

#comedy #comedy monologue #1980s #original monologue

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rpbetter · 3 years

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Hi Vespertine. Can you offer some advice on how to RP a character that a lot of people think I shouldn't be RPing? I've wanted to RP Hans Landa for years, I like how cunning he is and how he could react to other ideals, how he could grow, especially in modern settings where he would stick out a lot. But I'm afraid because of how people react to muses like him. How do I build up confidence? How do I keep RPing if people bother or threaten to report me? Would people even RP with me? Thank you.

Alright, first thing, I've apologized on the blog already, apologized to people before you, but like I keep saying: it's really important to specifically apologize to individuals when we do something lame like I have. I did not intend to leave the blog unattended for months, but I did. This is an important question, it's right up the alley of why I created this blog, and I left you hanging. I'm deeply sorry, and I hope that my serious delay did not cause you any further worries or to give up on your character/RP!

Okay, we can proceed now!

I'll confess, I seriously spaced on who Hans Landa was for a moment there, but quickly remembered upon Googling! He was an interesting character, and I love that movie! However, I definitely see why you're worried, Anon.

Up until the last decade, taking up a character who was villainous, yes, even a Nazi, was a mark of creative gumption. Almost everyone had a verse for their muse that today would get them anon hate, callouts, reported, and so on. You know what? We had far less drama then. So, I'm not at all in the camp of demonizing your choices, or anyone else's. I saw what worked for a more peaceful RPC for decades and I've seen what is a total nightmare on tumblr.

Unfortunately, it is a total nightmare. So, let's see what you might be looking at, what your options are.

Firstly, you have the right idea; this is a character that appeals to you creatively, and that's really all that should matter. You've got ideas, you want to see your muse grow and change through interactions, and that's very much what the whole RPC needs to be a little more interested in.

I think, based on that alone, you would find people who wanted to write with you. There are quite a few muns out there dying for more interesting interactions with muses who have been taken up because the other mun really wants to write and develop them. Especially in the multi-para and novella communities. It's a bit of bane over there, the way the majority of muses are picked purely to satisfy a fleeting interest in a fandom. They don't come across as the characters they are in canon, are never given the opportunity to develop uniquely, they just exist to fulfill the mun's intense interest that will be gone soon. That works wonderfully and happily for some, but there really are a lot of muns out there who are interested in different approaches.

I will also say that most longer multi-para and novella RPers are less supportive of callout culture and content policing. When the very way that you enjoy RP is easily considered problematic on the grounds that you take it too seriously because you're invested in it, you tend to be against labeling others and giving them a hard time. That portion of the RPC, additionally, tends to be made up of older adults. The RPC kind of despises anyone over 25 who is still RPing, and I think a decent part of that is...this. We don't usually go in on equating fiction to reality, thinking that muse=mun, or that "problematic" material needs to be driven into the darkest void for communal safety. A great deal of that is because we lived through multiple fandom experiences being obliterated by these sorts of ideas, we know this is all detrimental to the community, and are more interested in a live and let live mentality even if we are disturbed by someone's muse or writing topics.

You may wish to specifically seek out RPers who are serious veterans (around for 10+ years), multi-para to novella writers, and/or have things in their rules that imply toleration and support for dark topics, villain muses, etc. (I know I have it in my rules that minors shouldn't interact with this blog due both its content and my age, but I can't exactly verify that with an anonymous message! So, Anon, please be aware I am giving this advice as though you are legally an adult.) Seek out muns who have muses that could also be considered "problematic" or who interact with muses who could be.

Remain away from anyone participating in or supportive of callout culture and purity policing. I know that can be difficult and limiting, and it is also not a 100% safe bet that you will be avoiding problems, but at least you'll know right off that these are not your people. That includes the ever-present callouts that claim the poster "never does this," that the mun being called out is just that much of a danger, and/or those dealing in the major callout-laden muns in your corner of the community. You might agree that one or two of those muns is a legitimate problem, but it's too likely that these people are going to feel like you are too.

Know that you will, inevitably, be called worse than just a "villain apologist." I write a muse that I wanted to write for years as well, and refrained from writing for so long because of the fandom's ideas about them. However, I have never been so happy with any muse choice, it's worth it to me to have some random hatefulness sometimes. I know I'm not a horrible person, the people who matter to me on and offline know that I am not, it doesn't actually matter what someone on tumblr thinks. It doesn't matter what they think about you either, they don't know you and won't give you the opportunity to be known, so pfft to them!

It can still be a little disheartening to hear some of the especially hateful things. While my muse isn't like Hans, the comparison to that is often made. There are a lot of assumptions about my personal character, race, gender, political affiliation, and so on. I'm just going to say it: if you don't think you can handle someone randomly attacking you and labeling you as "actually a Nazi," a genocide supporter, school shooter, "white cishet republican," and so on, do not subject yourself to this. Just write with friends you know are on your side or write some fic where there is some distance and control.

I do not believe, after reviewing them again, that you would be violating tumblr's TOS by writing this muse. You would not be promoting racism, harm to others, or misleading information. Nor would you be harassing anyone. Does that mean no one will try to report you? No, unfortunately. I've gotten reported for politely disagreeing on a post and asking a question! The important thing is that nothing will happen.

I would still make it very clear that this character might be offensive to some. Seriously, I would say, "In the interest of sensitivity, please note that this muse might be offensive to some - do not interact if imagery or topics associated with historical Nazis will be triggering for you. Hans Landa is from the film 2009 Quentin Tarantino film Inglourious Basterds." Pop that into the top of a pinned post, your rules, and your blog's header statement.

Because even if tumblr wasn't a mess, it's still the most responsible thing to do to treat this sensitively. It is a sensitive matter! People should have every opportunity to be aware and make the best choice for them to interact or not.

People almost certainly will threaten to report and block. Particularly when you are still looking for writing partners and having to expose yourself to more of the community in order to do so. It'll get so much better when you start finding them, though, I promise! Once you find a good mun or two, you've kind of unlocked a pocket of potential. Those people who are more accepting, reasonable, and interested in writing and characters are naturally going to be interacting with other like-minded muns.

Finding a good base of partners might take you some time, but the good news is, the whole process will help you build up the confidence to keep writing. It helps you get in touch with both writing and the muse, what is really important to you as an RPer, and is what isn't. It feels shitty at the time, but in the end, it builds a lot of confidence in yourself, and when you pull confidence from within you, you're never totally without it again!

When you're looking for those people (I'd additionally suggest historical RPers, if there is any existent community for the movie still, and branching out to fandoms that have "problematic" characters in them that you could do crossovers with in modern settings etc.), you can still be writing and developing your muse. Write up headcanons, fleshout the character's backstory, make multiple verses so that you have many options ready to go, do some one-shots.

A great way to do that is to find memes or traditional writing questions specifically for character development, but don't wait for someone to ask you! Go down the meme/list, pick some questions that spark your interest, and base your HC posts on them. Answer questions you immediately have answers to, answer the really hard ones you have no clue about. You don't know until you develop it, after all!

It helps with confidence so much to feel confident about your writing and comfortable with the character. It'll also help non-judgemental RPers who come across your blog or want to follow you back to see your writing and interest in the muse. I know that there are muses I was not interested in from their canon, but seeing the mun's love for them and how they had uniquely developed them, I had to interact!

When you do receive the almost inevitable anon hate, I'm going to suggest something a bit radical here; the idea of not feeding the trolls doesn't always work. That's predicated upon people not already receiving a reward for sending that hate to you. You can't starve what has already eaten lunch! I've found that demonstrating that they're not getting to you is more effective, in all, incredibly controversial honesty.

Put in your rules that anon hate will be addressed only with something like...a gif of a rabbit, a random fact, or a link to a song you recommend. Then, you do exactly that. You get a message calling you derogatory things, but instead of deleting it or going off about it in a way they can just use, you respond with a picture of a bunny cleaning its ears. Block the anon after.

This, again, in all honesty, is a confidence booster. Sometimes, building confidence is about projecting it first. You are projecting an aura of non-hostile confidence that you're not any of those negative things in reality, nor is your life ruined by people who haven't anything better to do with their own lives than bother you as performative "activism" online. It's alright if it really does bother you at first! Eventually, it won't. Eventually, you'll be left in peace with the reasonable muns you've found.

You will find them! There are still muns out there who feel like the most important factors in RP are engaging muses and writing, and how the mun is truly conducting themselves. If that mun is a genuinely decent person who isn't starting problems, harassing people, forcing anything on anyone, that's what matters! Just put your muse out there in a thoughtful way around people who are interested in writing. Be respectful of the sensitive nature of the subject, tag liberally and correctly.

No matter what tumblr's RPC says, you do have the right to write any muse or topic you so desire. People also have the right to not interact, of course, but since you're concerned about it (and truly, the person who is most likely to be made uncomfortable on here), I highly doubt you'll be trying to force interactions or anything.

Unfortunately, when you write any, even vaguely, problematic muse here, you are held to higher standards. You are obliged to be ten times nicer in the face of hatefulness, to be more aware of tagging and other warnings, and so on. It's kind of a practice in acceptance, and it can be frustrating. Again, if the muse is worth it to you, it'll be fine. Just know that you'll need to not be reactive to nastiness, very responsible in how you present yourself in all ways, and that it still won't be enough for some people. And know that's alright as well! They're making a choice to be hostile without knowing you or employing the adult maturity to just not interact with you, not you.

I know it's very easy to say "don't let people get to you." Perhaps especially from someone who will openly say in the tumblr RPC in 2021 that it's 100% fine to write a Nazi muse lol but please know that my confidence was not naturally occurring. It was developed across years of nonsense, and much of it offline, in person. So, I'm not flippantly advising you to have a level of fortitude out of nowhere! I'm honestly telling you that it is a process, but I think that if you want something bad enough to stick to it through the hardest part of it, you kind of expedite that process. It makes it a bit easier if you're still enjoying yourself!

So, on that note, my additional advice is to have another muse or other hobby you can enjoy during the difficult patches, or even slow times before you establish a good group of writing partners. Do things that will keep you feeling positive and motivated to write. That looks different for everyone, but I'm certain you have something. If that does happen to be another muse, or muses, I would strongly suggest you keep it to yourself that you are the mun of this one until you get rolling. While you have exactly nothing to be ashamed of, don't tempt ruining your fun on the other blog(s) until you are established on the new one and confident about it.

If you ever need to vent or further advice, I'm not going to vanish or anything again! Drop by any time you need to, Anon. Sometimes it goes a long way knowing that even a single person out there supports you!

I hope this helped a little, and I do support you! I think you've got this!

#vespertine #answered #anonymous #rp advice #tumblr rpc #nazi mention cw #villain muses

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troubleblurose-blog · 6 years

Text

My Dumbass 5SOS Experiance // Part Uno

I know exactly what you’re thinking. I know, because well, I am one of you. The 5SOSFam that is; I made it sound like we’re our own separate alien race. But look at the people we stan... It makes a little too much sense, doesn’t it? Not even a paragraph in, and I’m already unraveling a conspiracy theory like Shane Dawson. You know him- “You look so fucking something, in my underwear while she wearing them! There’s my poop stain, on her butt.” Yeah, that funny motherfucker.

You’re probably thinking- ‘Oh, just another fan who really wants the same thing I do.’

I’m not gonna pretend, or lie to make my situation seem special. You’re fucking right, that is exactly who I am. We all have our bumps in the road, after all, we’re all human. Or aliens, I don’t really know anymore. It’s not only science that has gone too far at this point, I am now a contributing factor to the random things that make you question what the fuck this world is becoming.

I’m not about to level with you, or give you a sob story. It could seem that way, but every detail I write is a detail I wouldn’t ever erase. Every problem I’ve encountered, or dumb ass decision I’ve written is something that made me the well rounded person I am today. These are past events, though I am currently handling some of the debris of them. I’m still coping with illness, and things like that. When I write these events, just know, while they are awful I am used to them. That sounds bad, but I don’t know any different. They do hurt greatly at times, but that’s just building more character and strength in the end.

-Trigger/Graphic Event Warning-

Let’s start out simple and #relatable; I struggle(d) with:

Bi-Polar Depression (Mood swings between extremely jolly, and devastatingly upset.)

Anxiety (Having a hard time staying composed in times of little stress, or in many social situations.)

Insomnia (Getting little to no sleep/getting no well-rested sleep at night.)

Self-Harm (Hurting yourself in ways such as eating disorders, or various forms of mutilation.)

Suicide (Trying to end your own life.)

Those are the things this is somewhat covering, but by no means are they the point I’m trying to make. They aren’t what make up me, and they aren’t what make up this letter.

To understand the substance of the seemingly overused words on your screen, you need to know a bit about who I am first. Otherwise this could seem like every generic fanfiction. You know what I’m talking about. Eyes are always called orbs. Every meeting involves someone spilling something on someone else. Dicks are always refferred to as members. Calum is usually an asshole with a tragic life story. Mikey is usually a bad boy; who gets a soft spot for the main girl for some unknown reason. Ashton is either super sweet in his old dad way, or a complete arrogant prick. Luke, well he always bounces between popular and nerdy often. Have I made my point?

I’m gonna get relatable again when I say, there isn’t a lot I’m good at. When I am good at something, it has no use in my daily life. I can’t divide fractions, but I can hit every note in guitar hero. I can’t socially interact, but I can make bomb-ass Turkey Bacon Cojacks. I don’t know where all the states are, but I can rap Migrane. My skills are only useful to me, basically. My point being, I was practically useless in class. When I was staying home from school on the normal, from avoiding my problems and lack of motivation, I felt so useless. Like as useless as a newspaper is to a teenager.

We all have some activity that makes us feel important, though. To Donald Trump, it’s putting down anyone who isn’t a straight white male. To Bo Burnham, it’s making people laugh with his odd perspective and unique means of comedy. Me? It’s always been when I’m on stage. I love hearing my voice being amplified to bring together people from all walks of life. When I’m writing lyrics, I feel like every syllable can make a difference in someone’s life. There’s just something thrilling about worrying you’ll sing the wrong lyric, and doing so because you were worrying about it.

I’m not gonna say this was always my passion; when I was younger I made a very motivational speech about wanting to be a mermaid. “I WILL be a mermaid, and I WILL live under the sea.” If you think that’s odd, I know of a kid who wanted to be a trash compactor. After I discovered I couldn’t grow a tail, and I ended up not being a fan of swimming in a casino, I wanted to preform. That’s been my dream since I can remember. I’ve always been pretty witty, like I’d have to leave my wit behind before boarding a plane it’s so sharp. I learned I get more happiness when making others smile, than I do by making myself smile.

A stage is the one place I’m not useless, and being a musician is what I was born to do. I will look anyone in the eye and tell them I'm gonna be so famous one day, because that's exactly what I believe. I know I'm not where I want to be, so it's as simple as I'm gonna move. You need to remember that the only way you can fail is if you give up. It's pretty annoying how bad I am at that. I don't only try to achieve my goals, I try to over-achieve them. I live off my intuition, I'm definitely the ride-or-die type of person in EVERYTHING I do. Making a fool of myself? I'll record it so people can hold it against me for the rest of my life. Dissapointing my parents? Well I am going to Uni for music with no back up plan. Meet 5sos? Well... That's where this fiasco begins.

Welcome to the jungle my fellow fam.

Let’s go back to the first weekend of May 2017. Yes, I really did start this journey on a weekend in May. Yes, I really did it just so I can make that reference. Maybe I started a bit before that, but I committed to it on that first Saturday. At that time I had been in the fam for a couple of months, and I did go through the phase when I couldn’t tell Lucifer and Ashtonio apart. I however didn’t assume Calcium was Asian, I assumed he was Hispanic. I mean have you seen the ‘Hey Everybody!’ video? That was rhetorical, of course you have. He walked dogs, he was practically Ceasar911!

Well at this time I was still self-harming, I was still suicidal, and music is very influential to me. I tend to form bonds with songs because music tends to be my main comfort. Music has always been there when no one ever was. There's just such an intense bond for me, with listening and creating it. When I write I don't just think about lyrics, I can hear the chord progressions and melodies. Unfortunately I don't have enough experience with intstruments yet to share the finished product of my own music.

With 5SOS however, that connection was a lot different. I appreciate the artists always, though I never tend to feel anything more than that. I didn't feel that at all, I felt a boner. I'm kidding, I just really wanted to say that. Usually with musicians, since I am a fellow musican, I tend to idolize the ones who make music I enjoy. Yes, I know I'm stating the obvious. The thing is, after the whole initiation of binging keeks, interviews, funny moments, and the movie- I didn't once feel like they were above me in any way. Not even in a sexual dream enduced by falling asleep to Aerosmith. No, that wasn't too specific of a scenario.

They just made me feel understood in a way no one has. Not just because I'm so proud about being a gigantic dork. We were in the same boat, we had the same oar, we wanted to get to the same island that appearantly no one has heard of, we had the same belief that it exists, and the same thing about not being satisfyed with any of the millions of already existing islands. That was quite the metaphor, hehe. It's chalked down to similar situations, interests, humor, personalities, and impeccable music taste. It could also be that we are close in age, but then I'd be connected to millions of other people. That doesn't sound possible for me at the moment, but wait a couple years.

So I was chilling, laughing at Calcium crossing the border with his homie Mike, when I had the thought- What if I met them? In my mind, I thought there would be at least a year before they come to Illinois again, so I had time to save money. It became a goal for me, one I was quite sure would never happen. As we discussed, I'm an over achiever with all of my goals. So what did I do? Well it would be so easy to say I wrote each of them a letter. I can't do anything that simple, I'm far too creative for that simplicity.

From then to now, in almost a years time, so much happened from there. I met one of my closest friends who happens to be an Aussie; all because of a 5sos meme post, and her lack of ability to use Instagram properly. My family fell apart, and I'm not keen on going into detail. Let's just say I've gotten to consider the 5SOSFam as my only real family. I love you guys, you're a wonderful group of humans with a trail mix variety of nuts. Thank you for existing, and for reading this far.

Over the time I worked, I wrote and drafted maybe 500 different letters? As of late, I actually haven't gotten any letters finished. I made 4 bracelets, not a giant accomplishment. I'm 4/5 the way done with a poster I designed for Calcium. I made Lucas a fetus 5SOS wooden box, and a 5SOS money jar. I wrote Mikey a novel about him as a superhero, with a fan-art for it. That's kind of big actually cause I've never finished writing a longer story before. There's more things, but I don't want to get too technical with it.

I think I have to say the thing that I put most my effort in was a large journal for Ashton. That's because it's filled with art, tumblr posts, and lyrics. I'm a perfectionist when it comes to all of those things. At this point it has some holes because I've drafted the entire 100 or 200 pages over at least 8 different times. Nothing in it is original to the day I started, I made so many mistakes early 2017 for myself and that journal. I was working on the journal when I decided to attempt suicide for the second time.

It's completely crazy, but I've been through a lot with that journal. All of that started with the smallest idea. From the time I started to right now, I've changed so fucking much. I know how to handle my illness, I'm clean of self-harm, I lost a family and gained a new one, I failed at dying and learned how to live, I made an amazing friend, I got closer with my already existing amazing friend, I got a drum-kit, I somehow became a good lyricist, I found my music sound, my singing voice matured unbelievably, I got and lost pets, I got and lost relationships, I'm now in Uni, I'm more independent... I'm finally at the point where I can believe it does in fact get better.

That seems crazy given I've gone through more in 2017-2018 than I did when I came out about my depression, but maybe that's because I know how to spin it. I know how to handle life. Now everytime I'm scared to do something, I do it. Cause that is how you live, that's how you write, that's how you learn. I wouldn't recognize myself. I've gone from broken, bullied, and suicidal to seeing the beauty in my missing pieces, realizing I deserve better, and actually getting out of bed.

I think it might be because of the journal...

Hear me out, hear me out. I'm not saying it made me who I am, there's a difference between knowing and believing. Just like the difference between reading and comprehending. The difference between seeing and feeling. When I started that I could only talk the talk. Hell, when I started I had a case of putting them on a pedestal. It was never intentional, at the time I didn't even think I was worth anything. Now I see them as equals in most ways, cause when I see them be how they are I feel like I belong somewhere. I mean, I've always strayed from the majority just because I'd rather be myself and be disliked than be liked for being someone I'm not. I never saw the appeal in fitting in other than having someone to sit with at lunch. I didn't need to belong, even though it would have been nice to feel at home somewhere.

That's what I got when I found the dorks. I don't have to play a part to feel like I belong around them. I can be me, and still feel like I fit in. Not conformity, but genuine compatibility. Before them I was made fun of for being weird. I was made fun of for having my own style, for the song references no one understood, for how much I giggle. I was made fun of for my a many ambitious, none of which being realistic. But I still do all of these things. I still sing louder than everyone else. I still air drum and head bang to songs like Careless Whisper because it's really funny in contrast. I still play games, randomly balance objects on my head, dance in public because I don't give a shit about what people think when I'm having fun. 5SOS just helped me realize that girl who I wished I wasn't for most of my life, is actually the only person I'd ever want to be. Unless I could be Will Smith as Deadpool, then I immediately trash my last statement.

This is gonna get a bit heavy for a moment, but during that last attempt, as I was losing life I was legit thinking about them. How messed up is that? My life was so shitty my dying thoughts were about four idiots from Sydney. But that's how it was, they were my coping skill. I couldn't hold onto life for me after that, so I held on for them. Not because they'd know the difference if I was gone, let's be real, they wouldn't. If they knew of me then maybe, but I was so low on life's food chain at that point. I held onto the idea of making this epic stuff, and handing it to them.

I'm not even done with the journal!

I had a history of putting too much of myself into things and then being let down and loosing that part of me. So I don't do it, but it became something I did without realizing it. I don't know what I thought would happen. Maybe they'd like who I was, and would want to have a conversation. Maybe I'd be thrown into the fanfic life and get to hang out. Like a beach bonfire filled with laughter, various awesome people, classic rock, teasing, and knowing me, lots of dick jokes accompanying many innuendos. Maybe I'd end up in LA, and get signed to a rock label. I know I'm saying it like it's simple, trust me, I know all too well the effort it takes.

I gained some real maturity, and became even more well rounded. Though I was always the mature one who made a few mistakes here and there. That's one of the reasons I didn't fit in, I was like a 30 year old when I was 13. I'm not gonna say it wouldn't be cool to end up being their home diggle, but now I'm living for me. I saved myself, and they influenced me to. They leant me a helping hand. It would be epic to chill, or to collab on a song. Hell, if I got an opportunity to get signed to Hi or Hey I'd take it in a heartbeat. A small part of it is because I think the dorks are cool in their own odd way, but mostly because the company itself is an awesome fit for me. It produces the same sound I'd like to make, and it sends the same message-

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