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thebachelordiaries · 4 years

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Clare seeks HIMBO: ‘The Bachelorette’ cast first impressions

The Covid-19 pandemic has been rough for the entire world, but Bachelor Nation faced some dark days too. Going eight months without a single new episode from The Bachelor franchise is something I would really like to not relive.

Fortunately, those dark days are over. Clare’s season has me sucked back in.

The quality of this image is atrocious.

Most of these men—presuming they followed CDC’s social distancing guidelines— haven’t seen a woman in months, are touch deprived, possibly unemployed and contemplating moving back to their hometown while stalking the housing market on Zillow. Everyone’s desperate. That makes for some pretty good TV.

This season features men ranging from ages 26 to 41. We’ve got a boy band manager, a grooming specialist, several men who look like they masturbate in front of full length mirrors and even more who probably want me to join their MLM pyramid scheme.

I’ve never been more ready to roast a bunch of men who have nightmares about going bald. It’s all I’ve wanted to do since March.

Let’s go:

AJ, 28, Software sales

AJ is the kind of guy who writes “Looking for the Pam to my Jim <3″ on his Bumble profile. His bio is generic and probably not reflective of who he is as a person. If I were Clare I’d swipe left.

Ben, 29, Army ranger veteran

“Ben's favorite indulgence is an ice bath.“ Well then.

Alexa, play “Run” by AWOLNATION.

Bennett, 36, Wealth management consultant

Bennett’s profile is the biggest red flag I’ve ever seen. This man says he is the total package but hasn’t always been "this successful and good looking.” But wait, there’s more: “According to Bennett, his high school girlfriend is the only girl he's ever had to work for.“

Can someone tell me what NYC neighborhood he lives in so I can blacklist it?

Blake M1, 31, Male grooming specialist

Blake’s just another stereotypical “29th round draft pick who sat on the bench of the practice team before getting cut, but claims he left the sport due to an injury on his own accord.”

Blake M2, 29, Wildlife manager

This Blake is an outdoorsy Canadian who seems pretty genuine and cool. Unfortunately, he has the face of someone who’d get sent home on night one. I hope I’m wrong.

Brandon, 28, Real Estate Agent

Just another boring hot person. Nothing to see here.

Brendan, 30, Commercial roofer

Brandan, not to be confused for Brandon, “loves some good true crime, working out and hanging out with his friends.” I can’t even make fun of this man. We have the exact same interests.

Chasen, 31, IT account executive

The Winklevoss twins are actually triplets and Chasen is their long lost brother. But more seriously, have you ever seen someone who looks more like their name than this man?

Chris, 27, Landscape design salesman

“Chris hopes to find a woman who is sharp and witty but also easygoing.” Chris, sweetheart, have you met Clare? Easygoing...? There’s still time back out of this before it’s too late.

Dale, 31, Former pro football wide receiver

Dale aggressively screams “Bachelor material.” I’d say he’s auditioning for that role but Matt James already scooped it up. Better luck next year, Daley.

Demar, 26, Spin cycling instructor

Demar is a “very popular spin instructor in Scottsdale and says he can get on that bike and spin to any beat thrown his way.” Imagine how many trophy wives Demar has f*cked?

Eazy, 29, Sports marketing agent

Eazy is very similar to Dale on paper. Except his name is Eazy so he automatically loses that battle.

Ed, 33, Health care salesman

“Ed is looking to find a woman who has natural beauty without looking overly fake.” Ed deserves to die alone.

Garin, 34, Professor of Journalism

Garin’s bio is giving me hubby material vibes. And maybe a little bit of a “gets eliminated on night one” vibe too.

Ivan, 28, Aeronautical Engineer

Ivan, what are you doing here? We’re in a recession. Please go back to your normal job before it’s too late.

Jason, 31, Former pro football linemen

“He is a former NFL offensive lineman who, after suffering too many concussions on the field, decided to prioritize his health and change the direction of his life.” A big, brawny HIMBO with CTE? I feel like he’s Clare’s type.

Jay, 29, Fitness director

There are too many things about Jay that I dislike and I’m trying to keep this brief. Jay says “it's time to take a break from worrying about others and focus on himself instead.” I am willing to bet money that this man has never made a woman c*m.

Jeremy, 40, Banker

Jeremy is the oldest contestant ever to come on "The Bachelorette,” which may seem like a monuments accomplishment but he’s literally only one year older than Clare.

He also “hates Instagram models, both male and female,” so he should have a lot of fun here.

Joe, 36, Anesthesiologist

Before I even saw his profession and location, I thought Joe looked like a doctor I’d find on a NYC dating app...and...uh...I probably did see him on there now that I think about it.

Anyway, this man has apparently been through seven stages of hell while on the front lines fighting Covid-19 in NYC so I definitely think he deserves to find love. Someone marry him please.

Jordan C, 26, Software account executive

I can already tell Jordan is going to get the “I’m young but mature” edit which means he’s probably not going to be good TV.

Too bad someone a tad younger (like Tayshia) wasn’t the Bachelorette. I feel like they’d make a cute couple.

Jordan M., 30, Cyber security engineer

I was going to say something mean but Jordan’s into cyber security and I don’t want my blog to be deactivated, so never mind. Cast photos are historically bad so I’m sure he looks much better in real life.

Kenny, 39, Boy band manager

I could go for the obvious drags regarding this man’s profession (or his sh*tty chest tattoo, or his suspiciously boyish face relative to his age), but I like to think I’m more clever than that.

I’d like to take this time to talk about men, who are obviously difficult people, who rant and rave about how they want an “easygoing” woman. Look into the mirror, bud. No, not the one you use to jerk off to your reflection; the mirror that looks into your soul. Out of respect for the rest of humankind, have some self-awareness. Or maybe just see a therapist.

Mike, 38, Digital media advisor

Mike is seemingly a decent catch, but I can’t help but wonder why he’s still single or how he never (accidentally or on purpose) impregnated a woman in his 38 years of life.

And now that I’m thinking about it, do any of these men have children? I have yet to see any mention of it in their bios. But there are eight men left to review, so there’s still time.

Page, 37, Chef

I spoke too soon. Page is a father! He also hates football! I’m a fan of this man. I was initially going to drag him for his name and say that Page is not a real name. PAIGE is a real name. PAGE is a piece of paper. I’m allowed to say this because we have the same name except mine is spelled the correct way. Based on my (mostly positive) review of his cast bio, I have decided not to hold his name against him.

Riley, 30, Long Island City

Riley, once married with children, would like to go on a family vacation that consists of touring every single MLB stadium in the country. If i were his wife, I would simply never give this man children.

Robby, 30, Insurance broker

No more Robbys on The Bachelorette. Society has evolved past its need for more Robbys.

This Robby described his dream woman as: “Incredibly athletic and able to throw back a few beers with him after a day of hiking. She has a sweet personality and won't mind that he spends his Sundays on the golf course.”

Someone please give this man a sex doll. He just wants a hole.

Tyler C., 27, Lawyer

“Tyler C. is a badass lawyer who says he is a businessman by day and a cowboy by night.” How does that make him a lawyer? Does this mean he’s into cosplay? I’m confused.

Tyler S., 36, Music manager

Tyler makes an honorable living off riding his brother’s dick success as a country singer. “He just LOVES his job!” Uh yeah, I would too if I had a low-show, high-paying job off the merits of nepotism. It’s the American dream.

Yosef, 30, Medical device salesman

Another dad! He’s totally going to pull the “girl dad” narrative. That saying is kind of sexist to me but the masses generally eat it up, so I’m fairly confident Yosef will get the "sweet guy” edit he’s looking for.

Zac C., 36, Addiction specialist

“He loves Philadelphia sports and dreams of sharing a Philly Cheesesteak with his future wife while watching the Eagles win a Super Bowl.” This man is so South Jersey it hurts.

On a more serious note, I don’t think anyone in recent history has spoken openly about their personal struggle with addiction on this show, so I hope Zac gets a chance to tell his story.

Zach J., 37, Cleaning service owner

Zach is seemingly obsessed with Clare already and hopes to introduce her to his mom as his fiancée. Since Zach watched Clare on Juan Pablo’s season, you’d think he’d know that Clare would first meet his mom during the final four hometown dates. Assuming he makes it that far. My prediction is that he won’t.

Final thoughts

After eight long months Bachelor Mondays are back!!!

Uhh....wait.

Actually, we now have the less-exciting Bachelor Tuesdays. Yeah, it definitely doesn’t have the same ring to it. But I’ll take anything at this point.

Here are my final predictions:

First impression rose: Dale. It just looks like he can turn on the bullsh*t charm

Final rose: Jason. Clare wants a HIMBO I just know it.

Bachelor: nobody (Matt James is The Bachelor)

Most likely to get engaged on Bachelor in Paradise: Blake M2

Most likely to get canceled online: Bennett

Most likely to get sent home night one but deserve better: Chris

Who are your favorite men cast on this season?

#The Bachelorette #abc #clare crawley #chris harrison #photo credit: ABC

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andrewuttaro · 4 years

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New Look Sabres: GM 14 - WSH - Season’s First Rant

6-1 Washington Capitals over Buffalo Sabres

I’ve thought the Capitals are a soft team for about seven years now. The President’s Trophy years and even the year they won the Stanley Cup: they’ve been a beatable good team for a while. I know that’s some high alcohol content coming from a Sabres fan but they’re not a beast of a team, not since maybe before Eichel was drafted. Don’t get me wrong, they’re lethal with the likes of Backstrom, Kuzy, Oshie, Carlson and of course the greatest pure goal scorer of his generation Alexander Ovechkin. They have what this young Sabres squad are still very much learning: killer instinct. Having your moment and converting on them even when you got a lead. They also got a powerplay that just fires cannon after cannon after cannon. They’ve got all the makings of Champions and most of them do have at least one title to their name. But even the Caps on a hot streak aren’t unbeatable. I predicted the Sabres would stay with the Caps for a little bit before getting run out of town. I was half right. The Caps got the first goal and never really looked back. This one ended 6-1 for the home team. Grab your leftover Halloween candy because you’re going to need em! This one was the first honest to god roast. We got a little taste of the roast we know so well against the Rangers last week, this time we got full open flame! The most well-done parts of this roast? The defense: that cut is charred real good. But before we eat the main course how about we have some appetizers. This won’t be the fun bread and butter appetizer. No, it’s time for the salad! And no, you don’t get dressing! No, not cheese! I think we need to have a little talk as fans. This is a fan blog after all, and the team didn’t exactly give us a lot to talk about tonight.

Did they have a bad game? Yes they did. The first period the defense was absolutely rocked. For the playing connected Sabres it was the most distinct chasm between quality of play between the offense and the defense. Ask Conor Sheary, he almost drew first blood before the post denied him! That’s my segway: fellow Sabre fan let me ask you this. Do you feel denied? I started watching this team in 2009. For five years the nicest thing this team gave me was a cute little Winter Classic game. Would it have been nice for them to let Edmonton take Tomas Vanek and keep those draft picks, so they could’ve built a winner for when I was in High School and my dad and me were watching games all hunky dory? Yeah. Somedays when I’m really bored I feel denied a Lindy Ruff Stanley Cup. Bah, let’s talk about this team. Jack Eichel played his 300th game tonight. Wow isn’t that crazy. I’d say I feel old but I’m young enough that he could be my brother. He’s been a Sabre for all 300 of those games. 108 goals, 276 points and a big zero goose egg playoff games in four seasons. Does Jack Eichel feel denied the postseason competition that big olde ginger heart beats fast for? He did… in 2017. Then he became a leader and decided this club was the only way he was going to get that sweet sweet postseason play and got over it. He’s still on pace for a career year by the way. We’ve put up with a lot of garbage, many of us longer than Jack has, but let’s be real here: is this a club you don’t want to bother with on a Friday night? In 2017-2018 I was going to painting classes with my in-laws instead of watching Sabres games. That team was accidentally the worst in the league. This version? I cleared my afternoon for that Dallas game a couple weeks back and was richly rewarded! I think we’re afraid. I think we’re afraid of how to handle a team that is actually good. When we’re bitching about them losing to a good team saying same old Sabres typing SpongeBob font “cAn I bE nEgAtIvE aBoUt ThEm NoW?” That’s a loser’s mentality. We’ve wanted them to be good so long that we can’t handle them when they’re good, get our hopes up and then have a stinker. They’re not as good as the Caps right now, is that remotely shocking? Should that be something that makes us check the draft rankings? Are we really cowards like that? Jack Eichel took the shit and dealt with it and so should we. Captain Jack is not one to sit in the shit and mope about it. Maybe we shouldn’t either. And if some curly haired New Englander is the right messenger how about the other team’s C. Ovechkin gave the Leafs a decent white board quote when they shellacked our northern neighbors over the weekend: “Will they play for themselves or for a Cup?” He knows struggling for a long time to eventually breakthrough. I think we’ll breakthrough as a fanbase to not panic at the slightest sign of difficulty soon. We just got to be smart when we got a bad night.

Alright, Pep talk’s over. Let’s rant together. They’ve lost back to back for the first time this season and it wasn’t until November; but they’ve finally failed enough to shake off my first rant! And it starts with our favorite jock-voice jet setter Coach Krueger! This new coach is marching out my sweet baby boy Linus Ullmark against one of the most potent offenses in the Eastern Conference! AAAHHHHH!! If master motivator Ralph Krueger isn’t going to turn it around after a rough patch in the most stacked Atlantic Division in twenty years then I am not going to defend incompetence this time! I finally get to write a blog for money (southtownstickets.com, check it out) after years of writing about this god forsaken team for therapy and now you’re going to drive me into insanity right as opportunities like a 9-2-2 start to crop up!? GIVE ME A BREAK! There has to be some 70-year-old dude looking at me like a real amateur. Imagine that: imagine remembering every single disappointing year of this franchise and being made to get excited about a team everyone who knows any insight at all about the sport thinks are likely 10-15 points out of a playoff spot again. Imagine that! That guy must feel really denied, eh?! I feel insulted for him! You know who I don’t feel insulted for? YOU DUMB ASS TONAWANDA/CHEEKTOWAGA/ORCHARD PARK BOOT KISSING GAS LIGHTING TROLLS WHO ARE JUST DYING TO ROAST ANY USAGE OF ADVANCED STATS! WHAT DO YOU DO? I’m not talking to you old guys, no you just grew up with a league that encouraged assault with a deadly weapon, and you miss it. I’m talking to you: yeah you, you under 30 Trump voting fucks who think math is out to ruin your hockey! WHO HURT YOU? WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS? DOES CHAD’S FACE JUST MAKE YOU IRRATIONALLY VIOLENT BECAUSE YOU WANT TO PUNCH IT? GET THERAPY, don’t take it out on the someone who just happens to enjoy hockey with a few extra numbers! UNFOLLOW YOU IGNORANT PRICK! DAHLIN DOESN’T NEED TO BE BENCHED BECAUSE YOU REWARD CREATIVITY YOU SELF-DEFEATING SHITHEAD! Ugh, you stupid fucks…*deep breath*… okay you probably want some real content now… okay per Darren Dreger Sabres GM Jason Botterill is looking to make a trade for forward depth …*takes another deep breath*… okay let’s talk about this game for real now.

Henri Jokiharju scored his first goal as a Sabre. It was a weird one. It bounced off a Caps’ back and over Brendan Holtby. That’s nice anyway for a guy whose been fantastic so far. He deserves it more than most even deserved to be on the ice in this game. Every defensive pairing except maybe John Gilmour and Colin Miller was roasted on an open fire. It’s like a Bills tailgate with less liquor and no broken tables. It’s hard to compliment forwards here since none of them scored but Conor Sheary and his line with Casey Mittelstadt looked sharp. Maybe it’s time to get Victor Olofsson off Eichel’s wing? We’ve been thinking about it for a while, but this is the first official skid so maybe Krueger actually does it now. Hell, maybe the Isles have to face Skinner-Eichel tomorrow. Now that I think about it, please do that, I’ll be in attendance. I also feel the need to bring up Evan Rodrigues. Dude: what’s going on? I want you to get your mojo back but you’re not looking good. I saw a trade scenario with you as an add on and I didn’t hate it. You maybe running out of time. If you’re going to turn it around you probably have to do it… like now-ish.

Like and share this blog. While you’re at it rant with me in the comments. We haven’t had good grounds for a rant yet. Let’s be thankful it didn’t get here until the Christmas music started playing. The Isles are hot right now and I want to call em soft since I’m seeing them live tomorrow I just can’t. Look, there’s no cakewalks this month. If they suck ass tomorrow at home they’re going to get booed. I’m not in booing mood after a 9-3-2 start but lord knows if they trail at all tomorrow at home some Tonawanda fucks are going to do it! Well enough bad words for tonight. I’m tired and I’m heading to Toronto in the morning tomorrow before the game. Drop me any recommendations that come to mind. I’m already doing the Hockey Hall of Fame so be more creative. Nothing makes me cheer for the Sabres harder than going to Toronto! Let’s Go Buffalo!

Thanks for Reading.

P.S. If you are from Tonawanda, Cheektowaga or Orchard Park those insults are not aimed at you for simply being from there. They are aimed at the high number of gas-lighting trolls who originate from your town. Please don’t make this disclaimer relevant, don’t be a dumbass.

#buffalo sabres #hockey #blog #NHL

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