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vexxandra · 1 month

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what is coming? (timeless pick-a-card)

for those who need comfort, or dream of the future, this might be the pac for you ☆ 3-17-23 .

PILE ONE ; " i'm so tired " ...

how long have you been keeping yourself awake? it's up to you to decide whether that statement was metaphorical or literal, but the point still stands. can't catch sleep? it's not your fault. you don't have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, you deserve to rest. sleep is a blessing that you will catch up on soon. the mistakes of your past shouldn't stop you from rejuvenating yourself. i'm sorry this relief from life has been taken from you.

i can see that what's coming toward you is more closure. conflicts being resolved, and action being taken to prevent future problems from happening. peace is coming, and more spiritual peace- however you may find it. you are finding what is lost or missing; a confidant, a part of yourself you lost, or a sense of responsibility. this will make you feel a little less confused in this dark time. whatever you find, make sure it benefits you, not hinders you.

extra: the number 7 or 16, cheerleading, studying, driving/cars, violent - carolesdaughter, the need to please, disappointment, "you are more than your thoughts, more than your past" green, spring months, gaming to cope, betrayal, "you deserve love because you exist"

PILE TWO ; " i am fighting " ...

you are so strong. your strength is commendable, and so is your resolve. you are making me smile. things seem to be good for you right now, but have they always? no one is born to be so resilient, it's our experiences that shape us to be who we are, and yours have molded you into a warrior, pile two. you are so strong, have you heard that before? i feel like you don't get recognized enough. but you suffered, and i see that. i see that, and i see you. thank you, for never giving up.

stability is reaching you. i feel like you have a 'fake it till you make it mindset' in order to reach what you truly want. but i see that you will soon have whatever you desire. it will be unmistakably yours, and you'll know in your heart when you find it. you will be emotionally fulfilled, and reach a state of kind of 'enlightenment' where you're like, i know what im doing now, it all makes sense. it will be a moment where everything clicks, and everything settles down.

extra: pink, red, gold, orange, chains of pearls, instruments, stuffy, nostalgia, memories like the color yellow, may, june, 2018, "this feels right", back to the future/past, vintage, aesthetic, dream girl vibes, photos, "everything is okay"

PILE THREE ; " where is the sun ? " ...

you have lost your sun, pile three. you remind me of a sunflower, looking for the sun to turn to, but what happens if the sun isn't there? you are aimless and lost, trying to find what has been stolen from you. but it hasn't, has it? it's time to take off your lenses, and realize that this isn't healthy. you have been stuck in a cycle for a while, and i feel like you kind of actually trap yourself in it. i get it, it's better to be trapped than face the reality. but is the pain you're causing yourself really worth it? please find strength in yourself to break free. trust me, it's better than staying. im rooting for you, pile three.

what's coming toward you is the strength to pull yourself out of this negative situation. i see you putting yourself first, and sparing yourself of further heartbreak, disappointment, and sadness. i can see that this will sort of be a tower moment for you; the tower has always been shaky, but it's only now that you are fleeing from it, and i'm proud of you. it's hard, but you can do it. after, you might find yourself stuck in your own thoughts secondguessing, but you did the right thing. never forget that. i also see someone of importance entering your life, a little after this.

extra: dont worrry darling, omori, pink beats, neurodivergence, black, alternative culture, crosses, pinky promises, mother figure, chocolate, willy wonka and the chocolate factory, balloons, lamps, llamas, "why would you leave me?", "because i couldn't stay", polish

#pick a pile #pick a card #pick a picture #pick a pile readings #pick a card readings #pac #pac tarot #pac reading #intuition #intuitive readings #intuitive messages #intuitive #tarot free reading #tarot reading #tarot readings

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81folklore · 8 months

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helpless - GR63

pairings: george russell x hamilton!ensemble!reader (fc: ella kora)

summary: george ends his softlaunch with a cast member of hamilton on the westend

authors note: sorry for not posting in forever but ive had no motivation and i cant find the want to finish some of my drafts so have a brand new smau thats been BREWING in my brain ever since i saw hamilton the other week. its literally one my favorite musicals so you know i had to incorporate my two interests, you dont need to have seen hamilton or know about the story for this!

important: rg63 is george’s private instagram

masterlist

georgerussell63

liked by alex_albon, yourusername and 366,450 others

water, sports and sunsets☀️

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user7 shirtless george is back!!

user10 hes so…

user45 THE SOFTLAUNCH HAS TO END SOON RIGHT😭😭

user12 i miss when george wouldnt make me feel single every post😔

yourusername oh myyy🫠

yourusername

liked by jakeh_j, lilymhe and 235 others

smiles (mostly) all round this summer☀️

tagged: rg63 and jakeh_j

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rg63 miss you darling🤍

yourusername miss you too love💜

jakeh_j dinner soon?

yourusername yes!! g is coming to a show soon so we can do it then :)

jakeh_j sounds good👍

user6 cant wait to see you in hamilton!

yourfriend cutie🫶

georgerussell63 and alex_albon have added to their stories

yourusername ahhh cant wait to see you all💜

f1updates

liked by user72, user1 and 2367 others

george, alex and lily with fans today in london

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user1 im the one in the third photo, they were in a rush as they had to go to the theatre but they were all so sweet and took the time to sign a hat i had!

user10 was anyone else with them?

user1 there wasnt! i dont think george was with his girlfriend but she could’ve been waiting for them somewhere else☺️

user72 idk why them going to the theatre together is funny but it is😭

user5 right?? it feels so random😭

user53 i can’t believe they watched hamilton before me

georgerussell63

liked by alex_albon, yourusername and 872,426 others

i have been with you since the beginning of your incredible journey of living out your dream of being in the west end. i know how much getting this part in hamilton meant to you and getting to see you on stage brings me so much joy, forever proud of you darling🤍

tagged yourusername

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yourusername george☹️i will love you forever and ever thank you soso much for being by my side💜

yourusername you have no idea how happy it makes me to know you are in the crowd

alex_albon thanks for being my friend so lily can see her favorite musical😁

georgerussell63 yeah no worries man👊

yourusername alex i hope you know its me she loves to see, not hamilton🤨

alex_albon your wrong.

lilymhe shes very much correct🫶

user7 WHAT IS HAPPENING

user5 HARD LAUNCH HARD LAUNCH

user25 WAKE UP GEORGE POSTED HER AHHHH user6

user6 OMG I LITERALLY SAW HER THE OTHER DAY😭

user10 this is so cute (im sobbing)

user8 wow the highway is such a good place to stargaze!!

user83 i cannot cope why is this so🫠🫠

lewishamilton 💜💜

yourusername

liked by georgerussell63, lilymhe and 6273 others

i look into your eyes and the skys the limit. georgie my love for you is timeless, each day i think about how lucky i am to have you by my side and how lucky i am to get to be the one to love you. you have changed the way i view the world and myself and my life will always be better now youve entered it, and no matter what this chapter in our lives will stick with me forever and always💜

tagged georgerussell63

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georgerussell63 i am so grateful you have come into my life

georgerussell63 i love you so much darling

yourusername i will never stop loving you🫶

lilymhe when will i get posts like this☹️

yourusername yours is next lovely🤭

alex_albon babe?? i post you all the time

lilymhe and yet you havent used a lyric from hamilton🤨

user16 oh i love them so much😭

user45 my😭love😭for😭you😭is😭timeless😭

user12 hahhaa im so happy for you😭😭

jakej_h i hate people in love

yourusername you love us really😁

user9 MY HEART CANNOT TAKE THIS

user7 OH MY GOD GEORGE LOOKS SO GOOD🫠

liked by yourusername and others

user101 george is so boyfriend🤭

user62 that first picture😮‍💨

user99 they are so in love😭

#george russell x reader #f1 x reader #f1 instagram au #f1 smau #f1 social media au #formula 1 insta au #formula 1 social media au #social media au #george russell imagine #george russell smau #george russell

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nasa-writing-club · 3 months

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Being with you

pairing: mattheo riddle x male reader

length: 1.2k

warning: pining..? im not sure lol

summary: after a long day of OWLs, you are exhausted. What you need right now is a good cuddle, and who better to give you one than your long time best friend Mattheo Riddle.

authors note: it’s a pretty fluffy fic

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Exams were always hard for you. You never really learned how to cope with the amount of stress they caused and how to handle the anxiety caused by studying, worrying, and not enough sleep. All you knew how to do was shut down and that wasn’t very productive. Luckily, you had your best friend.

If you were to ask anyone else at Hogwarts, they’d most likely tell you Mattheo Riddle was cold, sarcastic, and overall very rude. And while you wouldn’t necessarily deny any of those “accusations”, throughout the last few years you’ve come to learn that there is so much more to him than his snarky personality.

When the two of you are alone it feels as if a few walls come down. He allows himself to relax and not have to worry about upholding the image and persona everyone expects of him. That Mattheo is your best friend. That’s the one you are looking for as you rush into the Great Hall right as dinner is ending.

Scanning the room, you spot Mattheo almost immediately. He’s sitting with your usual crowd of Draco, Theo, Blaise, and Enzo. All of them look to be finishing up so you decide there is no harm in joining them even if it’s just for a few brief moments.

Taking a seat, you feel Mattheo’s arm wrap around your waist, pulling you to sit closer to him. This was normal. He does this to you all the time. Never once have you thought this gesture could mean something more. Nope. Never. This is just how your friendship was.

Nevertheless, it still made you blush. You couldn’t help it. You’ve had on-and-off feelings for Mattheo since the day you met and you’ve come to the terms that you guys will only ever be friends. You’re fine with that.

Though it did feel nice for Mattheo to hold you like this. You could feel his hand begin to slip under your untucked shirt, tracing circles on your side. Whoever started this whole thing about Mattheo being nothing but a cold-hearted Slytherin has got it all wrong because-

“Y/N. Hello?? Earth to Y/N?”

This snapped you out of your thoughts. “Sorry, what were you saying?”

Theo rolls his eyes. “I was asking you about your charms essay. Have you completed it?”

You sigh as you just reach into your book bag and pull out the parchment with your essay written on it. “You want to know if you can copy off of me,” you state plainly, tired of his shit.

“I want to know if I can copy off of you,” Theo confirms as he takes your essay. “Don’t worry Y/N, I’ll change some words and whatnot so it isn’t the same.”

Right as you’re about to respond with a snarky comment of your own, you feel Mattheo squeeze on your side. You let out an involuntary squeak as you turn to face him. “What is it?” you question, giving him a confused look.

Mattheo doesn’t respond right away. It seems as if he is scanning you. He looks you up and down for a few moments before turning to the group.

“Y/N and I are going to head up to the room to study. We’ll catch you guys later.” And with that, Mattheo is standing up, collecting his stuff as well as yours. He looks to you impatiently. “Well.. don’t get sit there.”

Confused as ever, you say a short goodbye to your friends as you leave with Mattheo.

Once the two of you are out of the Great Hall and away from others, you stop Mattheo. “What the hell was that?” You asked, coming off a bit more rude than initially intended.

Mattheo proceeds to look at you as if what he is doing is obvious. “What do you mean?”

You let out a frustrated huff. “Mattheo you know what I am referring to.”

“Oh, you mean abruptly leaving the dinner table?” He had his signature smile as he stepped closer to you, cupping your face in his hand and proceeding to caress your cheek gently. “Well, it seemed clear to me that my pretty boy needed something to help him destress,” he says in a teasing way but you know he’s being truthful.

The heat grew in your cheeks as you leaned into his touch ever so slightly. You gave him a playful glare. “What have I told you about calling me that?”

He laughs, pulling his hand away from your face but in turn, grabbing your hand. “So you’re not denying that you’re tired and overworked?”

“Mattheo-“

“Oh don’t Mattheo me,” he interrupts. “I know you like the back of my hand and I know how you get during exam season.” With your hand in his, he continues to walk towards the Slytherin Common Room, dragging you along with him. “I also know that you don’t take care of yourself so that responsibility naturally falls onto me.”

While you allow yourself to be brought back to the common room, you can’t help but smile.

Once you’re both up in the dorms, you kick off your shoes as you go lie down in Mattheo’s bed. “I hate to say that you were right but..” you take a deep breath as you close your eyes. “I think I did need this.”

A low chuckle escapes Mattheo’s lips as he joins you in the bed. “Told you,” he mutters as he brings the blankets to cover the two of you.

Nothing is better than this in your opinion. After a long day, correction, a long week of exams and studying, and overall stress, just being held and cared for felt amazing. Would you ever admit all of this to Mattheo? No, probably not. You know he would tease you relentlessly but you consider for a moment that maybe he needed this just as much as you do.

The sensation of two hands firmly on your waist brought you out of your thoughts. “Mattheo what are you doing?” you ask, unable to hold back the sound of your giggles.

“Getting comfortable,” he responded, once again as if it was so clear.

You feel yourself being gently lifted and brought over to be lying on top of Mattheo. Your head in his chest and an arm wrapped around your waist holding you firmly in place.

“There,” Mattheo said as he began to run his fingers through your hair. “I worry about you Y/N.. you walked into the Great Hall today with bags under your eyes and you could barely focus on a conversation happening right in front of you. I worry for the day you go on with your life and then I won’t be there to take care of you.”

Your heart skips a beat when he says this. This is the Mattheo you know and love and to hear that he’s stressed about you breaks your heart in a way.

Looking up at him, you mumble, “I’m sorry I worry you.. but I don’t think I’d ever leave your side.”

“Oh is that so?” he responds, laughing a bit.

You smile and nod. “You’re never getting rid of me Matty.”

“Good,” he states as he gives you a gentle kiss on the forehead. “I can’t imagine living a life without you in it.”

#x male reader #mattheo riddle #mattheo riddle x male reader #mattheo riddle x male!reader #x male!reader #one shot #mattheo riddle x reader #harry potter #fanfic #gay #Harry Potter fanfic #mattheo riddle x you

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hjparisian · 5 months

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you're losing me pt. II- theodore nott x reader

p: theodore nott x gn! reader w: angst (sorry not sorry), slight cussing summary: (Y/N) is coping with their fight with Theodore, but an unwanted conversation reveals more than (Y/N) expected. a/n: the long awaited part two, thank you all for being patient and for all the love you gave to part one. can't believe it took me this long to get part two out and im so sorry but i had trouble writing and coming up with ideas

Winter break had felt like the longest and worst couple weeks to (Y/N) ever. All they really did was sat in their room, read, attempt to study, and occasionally write to Pansy.

The Malfoy's had thrown a party on New Year's Eve. All pureblooded families were invited, which meant (Y/N)'s family and the Nott family. They were not ready to see Theodore. Unfortunately, no matter how hard (Y/N) tried, they couldn't escape it.

The day of the party, (Y/N) sat and stared at the outfit laid out for them to wear. Maybe it'll spontaneously combust and they would have no outfit to wear and can't go. Yeah, right. As if that'll actually happen. Their mother probably has a bunch of backup outfits for them to wear anyways.

At least Pansy said she would try to stay by their side the whole time. Keyword, try. Because Blaise would probably try to steal Pansy to go snog somewhere.

The second (Y/N) and their parents entered the Malfoy Manor, they felt like running away and throwing up. Why? Oh, because of course the first person they'd find was Theodore Nott.

"(Y/N)!"

Oh bless Pansy for catching their attention. But also curse her because apparently the sound of their name caught Theodore's ears and made him turn his head towards them.

(Y/N) looked away from him.

(Y/N) hugged Pansy. "Pansy! How has your break been?"

"It's been nice. Got to hang out with Blaise a lot," she said. "What about you (Y/N)? How have you been feeling?"

Now, (Y/N) could lie and say they've been great and having a lovely break. But of course Pansy would see straight through their little lie.

"If I have to be honest Pans, I still feel like shit."

Pansy looked at them with concern. The fact that the reason (Y/N) felt terrible was in the room didn't help them.

"Well, I know Millicent and Tracey are here and I know they wanna catch up with us. Plus there's drinks. There's nothing better than drinks at these boring parties, right?" Pansy said in attempt to make (Y/N) feel better.

The two had gone and found their fellow schoolmates at the side of the room. Unfortunately for (Y/N), Daphne Greengrass and her sister Astoria were also there.

Pansy and (Y/N) greeted their schoolmates, with (Y/N) avoiding eye contact with Daphne. They listened as Pansy was telling the other girls about what she's been doing.

"What about you, (Y/N)?" Tracey asked them. "Done anything fun during break?"

"I've just been home reading," They told Tracey. "My parents decided not to go to France this year so I've been cooped up in my room."

"What about Theodore?" piped Millicent. Pansy's eyes slightly widened at her friend's question. "You didn't go see him?"

(Y/N) wanted the ground to open up and swallow them whole. Of course their other friends would ask about their relationship with Theodore. No one seems to know what's going on other than Pansy and maybe Blaise.

"No I didn't," (Y/N) said. "He's been busy." They looked at Daphne to see any reaction from her but surprisingly it was pretty neutral.

"I think I'm going to get a glass of champagne or something." (Y/N) said. "Anyone want one?"

"Oh, one for me please!" Tracey told them. (Y/N) nodded before leaving to find one of the waiters walking around with trays full of champagne.

After grabbing two drinks for themselves and Tracey, (Y/N) turned around to find themselves face to face with the one person they did not want to see.

Theodore fucking Nott.

The boy also grabbed a glass from the waiter's tray and took a sip on it.

"So, you're here," He said to (Y/N).

"I am."

Theodore looked them up and down. "You look nice."

(Y/N) gave him a curt 'thanks', wanting to get away from here.

"(Y/N)," Theodore called out.

"What do you want?" (Y/N) asked him impatiently. "I've got friends waiting for me."

"Just wanted to say hope you're having a nice break," he said hesitantly, almost as if he wanted to say something else.

(Y/N) gave him an odd look before shaking their head and walking away, not wanting to look at him a second more.

Once (Y/N) returned to their group and handed Tracey her drink, they find Pansy staring at them.

"You alright?" She whispered. "I saw you had a run in with Theodore."

(Y/N) nods their head. "I just want to get this party over with."

The rest of the party had gone alright thanks to Pansy, who managed to stay with them the whole time. They went the rest of the break without seeing Theodore, but unfortunately, the holidays ended and (Y/N) had to return to school and see him.

They'd did everything they can to avoid being around Theodore for longer than they have to, whether that was finding a different route to classes, sitting besides Pansy a few tables away from him (though this one wasn't really a change), or studying in their dorm rather than the library.

The only thing (Y/N) couldn't avoid was sitting away from him during lunch and dinner. Sure, they could beg Pansy to sit farther down the table, but the others would find it odd that the two were not sitting with them since they always ate together.

So (Y/N) just had to suck it up and remain civil. The good thing was that even when Theodore and (Y/N) were in good standing, they would always sit with Pansy so no one would find it weird. This whole thing was a struggle because even though (Y/N) was upset at Theodore and trying to avoid him, they could help but seek glances at Theodore. So did he.

(Y/N) had enough of being cooped up in their room, so they decided to study in the common room one night. There were a couple people scattered in the room, but most of the Slytherins were either in their dorms or snuck out to merlin knows where.

(Y/N) was looking at their Transfiguration book until a voice disrupts their focus.

"Hey. Do you mind if I sit here?"

It was Theodore Nott.

"There's plenty of space in the common room Nott," (Y/N) pointed out. "You can sit somewhere else."

"Well actually, I wanted to talk to you."

(Y/N) rolled their eyes before looking towards Theodore. "What's there to talk about?"

Theodore huffed before responding. "We need to talk about what happened before break. We didn't exactly left off on the right foot."

"Obviously."

(Y/N) felt a multitude of emotions hit them. They felt angry, upset, frustrated. They weren't even sure they wanted Theodore to address what happened. It would either end in two ways, they would move past it and stay together, or it would lead to the end of them.

But (Y/N) knew they couldn't avoid this any longer. They nodded towards the seat next to them.

"Sit." Theodore sat down.

"So," (Y/N) began. "Talk."

"Right. Well, I think you should know why I was talking to Daphne." Theodore starts. "Her parents and my father were talking about joining forces with the Dark Lord. And my father decided I was old enough to join them."

(Y/N) saw Theodore rub his left forearm, where the dark mark was usually placed. This news shocked them. (Y/N) knew that his father supported Voldemort and preached his ideals, but they never thought he would make Theodore become a death eater.

"Daphne found out what happened when she overheard my father and her father talking with each other. She confronted me about it so I admitted it. Wasn't worth trying to hide if she pretty much already knew about it. She's been trying to calm me down and help me not think about what happened."

There were a million different things going through (Y/N)'s head, yet the only thing that settled was why didn't he tell them? They could've help him too.

"Why didn't you tell me about it?" (Y/N) asked.

The boy sighed, not daring to meet their eyes. "I didn't want you to get involved in this."

"Theodore, I don't care," they exclaimed. "I want to help you. I would've listened to you and help you!"

"(Y/N) this is not your place-"

"I'm not a child anymore Theodore!" (Y/N) screamed. "I know what's going on, I'm not an idiot!"

"(Y/N), you have to listen to me! Your parents aren't involved with the Dark Lord this time around. If I told you and someone finds out, you could put you and your parents in danger."

(Y/N) huffed. "Oh, but Daphne gets to know?"

"Daphne is protected because of her parents and she found out herself. I did not tell her."

"Oh, but you continued to talk to her about it!"

Theodore was starting to get frustrated. "Who else was I supposed to talk to?"

"Me! Your partner? Or even Draco, his dad supports Voldemort, he'd probably understand how you felt."

Theodore's eyes widen a bit at the mention of Draco's name, but (Y/N) didn't notice.

"Look (Y/N)," Theodore slowly said. "I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about this. But you have to understand why I didn't tell you. I still care about you and this is something I didn't want you to get mixed in with, alright?"

(Y/N) sat there, calming themselves down. There was still one question that's been haunting them since the party.

"(Y/N)?"

"I just have one question for you." (Y/N) said, looking towards Theodore. The boy motioned for them to continue. "Did you ever feel anything for Daphne?"

There was a bit of hesitation in Theodore before he responded. "No."

(Y/N) looked at him oddly, noticing his hesitation.

"Theodore? Tell me the truth."

Theodore sighed before speaking. "I never lost feelings for you, but when I was talking Daphne, I felt different around her."

"W-what?" (Y/N) stuttered out. "Did you do anything?"

"No! I promise you I would never do anything with her." Theodore told them. "She's talking with Pucey anyways."

(Y/N) could feel the whirlpool of emotions coming back. Theodore confirmed one of the things they were hoping wasn't true. But he still liked them. But he's been hiding about him joining the Dark Lord. It was all too much to take in.

They leaned back against the chair with their arms crossed, staring into the dimly lit fire. "So, what do we do now?"

"What do you mean?" Theodore questioned them.

"About our relationship. What happens now?

There was a minute of uncomfortable silence penetrating the now empty room. The two of them not saying anything.

Another sigh emitted from Theodore before he stated his answer. "I think it's best if we take a break."

(Y/N) could feel their heart break at his answer. Their nightmare came true. They were losing him.

"There's a lot going on lately. With the war and Dark Lord rising it's going to be difficult to handle it all, especially with where I stand with him," Theodore said, motioning towards his left arm. "And I don't want to get you or your family involved in it."

"Yeah, y-you're right," (Y/N) choked out. "But we can still talk and be friends, right?"

"We can try."

(Y/N) nodded at his answer, trying not to let the tears welling up in their eyes escape. It seemed that Theodore had noticed it though, as he wrapped his arms in one last embrace.

"I love you, Theo."

There was a moment of silence before Theodore responded.

"I love you too."

The two sat there, (Y/N) quietly sobbing into Theodore's shoulder, not wanting to let go because that would be the last time they would be with him and would confirm their nightmare.

They lost Theodore.

#harry potter #harry potter x reader #hp fanfic #theodore nott x y/n #theo nott x reader #theodore nott imagine #theodore nott x reader #theo nott imagine #theo nott #theo nott x y/n #theodore nott

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ughgoaway · 4 months

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your lil sick matty blurb makes me think of the first time baby annie is sick and just fussy and restless and matty being a new dad absolutely does not know what to do (throwback to annie chest wrap blurb where absolutely everyone gets involved eventually) i think he calls adam late at night slightly panicked because she won’t stop crying and she feels warm and he doesn’t know if he should take her to the hospital (it’s literally a cold and a slight fever) anywayyyyy, i have many many thoughts on this goodbye

VVVVVVVVV yes I adore this. I just know he is freaking tf out the whole time. He hears her cough once and is just staring at her constantly.

He's standing over the crib watching her, listening out for a cough or sniffle, but she seems to be alright… For now, anyway.

Eventually, he sleeps in Annie's room, sitting on a chair in the corner. He's not quite ready to leave her alone yet.

It's then that he finally understands the concept of a mother's intuition.

But 20 minutes later, a scream wakes him right up, and baby Annie is just crying endlessly. She clearly feels poorly, and Matty just doesn't know what to do :((

He rocks her in his arms, then on a rocking chair, he changes her, feeds her, gets her new clothes, and bathes her. He truly tries EVERYTHING.

But Annie won't stop crying and seeing her wet eyes with rosy red cheeks and a snotty nose is breaking him.

He ditches Dr. Google and goes to the thousand parenting books he bought before she was born to see if they have anything useful. He assumed the books would make him less scared, but somehow, they made it worse.

It's 3 am when Matty starts to really panic, she's been crying for 4 hours and refusing to eat. She’s also a tiny bit hot, or at least Matty convinces himself that she is.

He's googling furiously to see if he can give her any medication, but the more he reads, the more he freaks out.

He gets his shirt off and tries skin-to-skin with the baby wrap. He's hoping it will soothe her a tiny bit. Thank god annie eventually settles, only for 5 minutes, but it's enough time for a panicked call to Adam.

He's now convinced himself that Annie has scarlet fever, pneumonia, or smallpox. Or maybe all three at the same time.

(impossible, and Annie only has a slight cold. but he is a new dad - give him a break, okay?)

Needless to say, Adam isn't over the moon with the 4 am phone call. But once he answers the phone to Matty in a panic, he realises his friend needs him. So he's slightly less pissed, but when Annie is better Matty fucking owes him.

“She's got a fever. And her cheeks are all red. She won't eat. She won't sleep. I just don't know what to do, Adam??”

“MATTHEW. You do not get to call me at 4 a.m., freak out down the phone, and then ignore me.”

The whole time Adam is trying to cut in, but Matty is ignoring him completely.

“does she need to go to the hospital? How do I get a newborn to the hospital? She hasn't even really been in the car yet. Is there a baby part of the hospital? What if she needs surgery?? All the tools will be too big for her tiny body-”

For the first time all night, Matty takes a deep breath.

“Right. Yes. sorry. I just had no idea what to do. I can't cope when im ill. But it turns out that when your child is ill, it is 1000x worse. this whole parent thing is hard”

Adam begrudgingly wakes Carly up, and they both calm Matty down. They explain that she doesn't have any diseases, but she probably has a slight cold. They tell him how much Calpol to give her and how to get her temperature down.

On the other side of the phone, Matty is slightly bouncing on the spot to soothe the grumbly baby on his chest as he's taking notes on what they're saying.

“Good okay…Yes. Okay, im gonna go do all that”

“That sounds good Matty, let us know how she is tomorrow, okay?” Carly says softly, leaning on Adam's shoulder half asleep.

“I will. Thank you guys. I love you both”

“We love you too” and “gay” come from the phone at the same time, which oddly was exactly what Matty needed.

By 6 a.m., Annie is cooler and is sleepy soundly in her cot. The same cannot be said for Matty.

He is watching like a hawk and trying not to fall asleep standing up. His eyes keep on dropping, but every time Annie wiggles or makes a noise, his heart jumps, and he wakes right back up.

At some point, he goes to make a coffee and sits down as the kettle boilsm just 5 minutes of rest he assures himself. But Matty falls asleep at the table with his mouth open and heavy snores leaving him.

Furious knocking at 10 am scares him half to death, and he trudges to the front door, eyes still heavy with sleep. He catches a quick look at himself in the hallway mirror and can't hide his disgust.

His hair is insane, curls going in every direction and sticking on end from his stressed hands running through them. He has heavy bags under his eyes and bone-dry lips. He has some dried sick on his shoulder and an empty baby wrap loosely on his chest.

But if he's honest, he couldn't give less of a fuck right now.

“What.” is how he answers the door, clearly not exactly thrilled with any visitors, but his face scrunched in confusion when all the boys are on the other side of the door.

“Why are you all here?” he asks as he rubs his eyes and walks back into his house, leaving the door open for them to follow.

“Hann told us Annie was sick, is she okay?” George asks worriedly, looking around the room for any sign of the infant.

“Yeah, he said you called him at like 4 am, and she had a fever. We were worried about her” says Ross as he goes to boil the kettle to make coffee for a clearly sleep-deprived and groggy matty.

“I tried to tell them she'd be okay, but they demanded to come over here and see her.” Adam rolls his eyes as he speaks, but still quietly adds, “ and I kinda wanted to see her too.”

That's the first thing in the past 24 hours that puts a smile on Matty's face.

“You're all such saps.”

The three men scoff but don't make any real effort to deny it.

Matty grabs Annie from her cot, and she couldn't be happier this morning, same gummy smile and grabby hands as usual. She still has a snotty nose and pink cheeks, but it's clear she's feeling better.

The next 40 minutes are basically a game of pass the Annie as each man gets an opportunity to hold her and double-check she is okay.

George scans her carefully, tracing every inch of her to make sure she's really okay. He holds her close to his chest and doesn't take his eyes off her the whole time she's on him.

Ross just holds her to his chest and sits on the sofa softly rocking her. He says soft things to her that no one can quite make out to and smiles down at her.

Adam has a rattle that she loves and does everything he can to make her happy again. resting her on his lap, showing her toys, shaking her rattle, and just smiling at her with a big grin.

Annie settles in a small bassinet in the front room, and the 4 men sit on Matty’s sofas with tea and coffee in silence. All secretly listening for any signs of discomfort.

#poorly annie :(((#but tbh shes much more chill than matty lol #he is the textbook definition of helicopter parent #his baby is ill!?!?!?!? call 999 NOWWWWWW #teacher au!#moots <3

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slvt4elliew · 4 months

Text

in a good way (1)

"i didn't know that i was capable of being happy right now...but you showed me how."

cw: angst, mentions of death/su!c!de, mentions of self-harm, marijuana usage, drinking, explicit language, slow burn (im so sorry), panic attack(??), dad joke near the end, idk what else

a/n: this isn't really my first time writing angst (not on here) buttttt im still nervy. idk how to feel. i spent a dumb amount of time on this and it still sucks!! this series is also gonna be long so i apologize. but its necessary i promise! i just feel like ppl don't write about ellie falling in love enough. all of it. i wanna see and write all that stupid lovey stuff, from the start. idk how to write so be nice (ori'llcry) also listen to this song i love it sm.

you shoot awake, beads of sweat forming on your forehead and your breath quick. in out in out in out in out. for the past month you've been plagued by nightmares, making you wake up hyperventilating nearly every night. earlier this month marked the one year since your best friend passed away.

lucy meyer, the only person who truly understood you, took her own life last year on november 3rd. there's no word in the entire dictionary to express the pain you constantly felt. you tried so hard to cope, therapy sessions after therapy sessions. nothing helped. nothing could replace the comfort of being with lucy, just knowing she existed used to bring you happiness. lonely wasn't even a good word to describe how you felt, it was so much more than that. you felt so empty without her.

you had been doing "good" before now. you made a few new friends, dina, jesse, abby, and you left your house more. but the sudden reminder of lucy's absence sent you tumbling down again. it had only been a year. how were you meant to live a whole lifetime without her? without your best friend? the dull ache you felt in your chest worsened every day without her.

your eyes stung with tears as you slowly caught your breath. you were sitting up in your, almost overwhelmingly so, cozy bed. your eyes blinked quickly and rapidly, your eyes darting across your pitch black room. you eventually shoved the suffocatingly thick duvet off your body and stood from your queen bed. you lumber over to your bathroom, flickering on the warm lights and squinting from the brightness. you slowly adjust to the nearly blinding light, rubbing your tired eyes.

what you see in the mirror looks like a whole different person. you frown, seeing the dark under eye bags and sunken face. your hair's all frizzy and messed up from the terrible sleep you were having, you flatten it with your hands. your weary eyes glance down at the picture frame that sat on the sink, picking it up to get a better look at the photo in the frame. the photo was one of you and lucy two years ago in june, it was a selfie of you both in a pool. her long and curly black hair was pulled up into a high bun on top of her head. her dark blue eyes store into yours as you examine the photo, making you let out a choked sob as a tear runs down your face.

lucy was always beautiful. she was the most beautiful person you had ever met, inside and out. she had fairly pale skin and soft features. some acne was on her chin and left, rosy cheek. she had fluffy, arched eyebrows with a slit in her left one. you remember the day she put it there. she claimed she wanted to "look more edgy" with a giggle as she lifted the razor to her eyebrow, exposing her slit wrists when her long sleeves accidentally slipped down a little.

you set the picture frame back down and wipe the tears that must've fallen from your face at some point. you didn't exactly remember when they did. you quickly piss and wash your hands before you shut off the light and walk back into your bedroom, flopping onto your warm bed. the time on your phone said 4:24 am in a bright white font. you laid on your back in your bed, staring up at the dark ceiling. you didn't fall back asleep that night.

you were so glad you had no classes today, you rarely had fridays off but you just so happened to today. you were fucking lucky too, having something as drastic as your best friend dying happen and being a busy college student wasn't for the faint of heart. currently, your closest friend at the moment, dina, was dragging you to a party with her boyfriend jesse and one of their friends, ellie, who you've never met.

"damn...i'd hit. seriously though, you look hot." she winks at you after you exit your closet, dressed in a tiny jean skirt and see-through, hot pink, long sleeved shirt. since it was fairly see-through, you could see the pink bra you paired with it underneath.

if you were being honest, you didn't want to go to this stupid fucking party. you wanted to stay home, and maybe cry a little. most of all. you wanted lucy. you needed lucy.

while you fix up your hair for the party, dina's phone buzzes. the message was from jesse, telling her that he was there and ellie was gonna meet you guys there. as you stand, dina gives you a wink and playfully smacks your ass as you roll your eyes and walk out the doorway. walking up to jesse's black jeep ranger, you slide into the back seat and dina sits in the passenger seat, dina mumbling a small "hi, babe" with a giggle. jesse smiles at her, pressing a kiss to her forehead before he turns his attention to you.

"yn! you hoe! i missed you, where've you been!?" jesse practically yells at you, making you flinch slightly before chuckling. you really had missed jesse.

"y'know...i have a mysterious reputation to uphold. gotta go ghost every now and then." you jokingly huff out, looking down at your lap and flattening your jean mini skirt. the words them both chuckle out a small laugh, it was comforting to hear that noise again. but you knew dina knew. she always did.

already feeling nauseous, the car pulled over and parked on the street near the house. the cool night breeze burned your exposed legs, making you shiver slightly. people were spilling out of the front door and sitting on the lawn, most people smoking with a drink in their other hand. the base boosted music could be heard from outside the house, making your head hurt already. you felt sick, you needed a drink or something.

walking past loads of drunk young adults, all three of you make it into the house, finding it fairly crowded. jesse goes off to find a place to sit while you and dina make your way to the kitchen, finding it slightly less crowded. dina poured you both shots, which you downed immediately, cringing as the liquid burned your throat. you perk up when you notice a stack of red solo cups, quickly grabbing one and pouring whatever drinks there was out into your cup, making a brown drink that hurt to swallow.

dina leaves you to find and probably make out with jesse, leaving you alone to babysit your drink. bad idea. you never could drink responsibly, finding it impossible to stop once you've started. the warm feeling that grew in your lower stomach and how your mind melted into mush was unbeatable.

"hey, you were lucy meyer's friend right?" a voice rang from in front of you, urging you to look up at the stranger. it felt like you've been here for an hour, your heels aching from the constant standing. "were". your chin quivered at the reminder of your best friend's permanent absence. you look up at the stranger, blinking away the haze in your eyes.

"uh, yeah...w-why?" you mumble out with a chuckle, tripping over your words. while drunk, everything was funny, letting you feel something good for the first time in a while.

"oh, no reason, you just looked familiar. um...sorry about what happened n' stuff.." and suddenly nothing was funny anymore. it was too crowded, too many people. you found yourself overwhelmed and suddenly you felt like you couldn't breathe. constantly breathing in warm, used air, you thought you might choke.

you don't even reply before stumbling away, almost frantically trying to get to the back door. you elbow your way through the crowds of people, not bothering to apologize to the people who curse at you. you quickly slide open the glass door to try and get fresh air. you plop down on the top step of the back porch and attempt to catch your breath, completely unaware of the person who was sitting beside you, curiously eyeing you up and down.

your elbows rest on your knees, your face in your hands as you try not to cry. maybe you were overdramatic, but just hearing lucy's name made you tear up. still unaware of the girl next to you, you sniffle and huff into your hands. suddenly there was a soft tap on your shoulder, making you jump a little as you pull your face out of your hands, looking over to your left at the mystery person.

"hey, uh...you alright?" the girl asks, scratching the back of her neck. you want the world to swallow you, bury you in a hole to never be found again.

you take a moment to take in her appearance. she had auburn hair that stopped a little above her shoulders, the layers made it almost look like a mullet and it was styled in a half-up half-down bun. she had mossy green eyes, the kind you could easily get lost in. the way her right eyebrow was slightly raised made you notice the small scar through it. you immediately thought of lucy. you wonder how she got it. her face was covered in pretty freckles, clusters of them painting constellations across her face. she had a half-burnt blunt in her left hand, her elbow resting on her bent knee.

you stare at her with wide, teary eyes, mouth slightly agape and seemingly out of breath. you blink a few times before haphazardly wiping your eyes -- trying not to smudge your makeup -- and looking away, looking up at the night sky. "fine... sorry, have you been sitting there this whole time?" you ask, your eyes drifting over to her again.

"kinda, yeah.." she responds with a quiet chuckle, huffing a small laugh through her nose. her smile makes a warm feeling flutter in your stomach. even though you literally just met her, you felt sorta comfortable around her. she had some weirdly nice presence. "you look familiar, what's your name? i'm ellie."

ellie. what a pretty name for such a pretty girl... seriously, she was crazily handsome. wait. suddenly it clicked in your head. "ellie? as in ellie williams or...?" you asked hesitantly, snapping your head to look over at her. she was already looking at you, silently admiring the way the moon hit your face.

"yeah... how'd the fuck you know that?" she asks with a laugh, her eyes narrowing at you. she shifts on the step slightly, turning to face you a little more. your knees almost touch, both of you angled at each other. there's a small smirk playing on her lips, a playful glint in her jade eyes.

her smile makes you dumbly smile as you explain, "dina and jesse told me about you, they really wanted us to meet." you're not sure why you're smiling. there isn't really a reason to smile, especially not when you think about the whole reason you came out here in the first place.

"oh shit! are you y/n?" the blunt in her hand was completely forgotten about. she put it out on the spot next to her on the old wooden steps. she shifted to face you even more, her body nearly completely turned. you did the same. you nod at her, a small smile still on your lips.

you both talk. and talk. and talk. for what feels like hours. strangely enough, being around ellie made you forget about everything. all the shit that went down last year, this dumb fucking party. all of it. you felt sorta free. you didn't think about lucy, about what you two would be doing right now, if she was still here. no. none of that. you're in the present for once in your fucking life. you didn't even think about how cold it was outside, you didn't care.

ellie made you feel free. even though you only just met her. thinking about it too hard made you feel a little crazy. 'you only just met this girl, how do you already feel so good around her?' so you don't think about that either. a loud buzz buzz came from your handbag, pulling you away from the conversation you were having. you open your phone to a text from dina.

dee 🩷: wgere tf r u girl

you: outside

you: r u guys trying to leave?

dee 🩷: yss

dee 🩷: hrry my feeet hurt

you look back over to ellie, frowning. "i gotta go."

"aww, you didn't even get to hear the rest of my cool dad jokes."

"i knowww. this stinks."

"can i at least get your number... y'know, to show you all my cool dad jokes?"

you huff a laugh through your nose and wait for her to pull out her phone. you quickly put in your number as you hear your own phone buzz again. dina was so impatient. you save your contact name as "y/n :)"

"can't wait to hear 'em all!" you joke to her as you walk back into the house.

the drive home was fine. they blasted some pop music dina loved, she screamed along to the lyrics, still plastered. they quickly arrived at your house.

you walk up the carpeted stairs to your apartment room, keys jingling in your hand. as you open the door, you flicker the lights on and kick off your shoes. fuck high heels.

home. a lot of people say "home is where i'm happy." or whatever. but its kinda the opposite for you. home is where you allow yourself to feel, where you think. your mind's not mush anymore, you can think and feel again. and all you feel is hurt. that stupid ache is back. the dull feeling in your chest that just won't budge. at home you feel like you're slowly being sucked into a black hole.

you huff and toss your bag onto the table, phone in your other hand. you shuffle to your bedroom, turning off the main lights and on your bedroom lights. you strip from your uncomfortable clothes and into comfy clothes, sleep shorts and a big t-shirt. you flicker the lights back off and flop onto your big bed, letting the comforters consume you.

you sit there for a few minutes until your phone buzzes. it's a text from ellie. she texted you on your ride home so you already saved her contact.

you stupidly smile at your bright phone screen, shaking your head and turning it back off. you plug it in and set it on your bedside table. you lay back in your bed, staring up at the dark ceiling. your hand reaches up and grabs the necklace you were wearing. it was lucy's. you rub the L shaped charm between your pointer and thumb, turning to lay on your side.

that night you dreamt of green eyes and short, auburn hair.

#the last of us #tlou2 #ellie the last of us #ellie tlou #ellie williams #ellie x fem reader #ellie x reader #tlou #tlou ellie #tlou dina #slvt4elliew

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malt-rants-and-stuff · 11 months

Text

⚠️‼WARNING!! HIRAKAGI MANGA CHAPTER 21 SPOILERS‼⚠️

I ALREADY SAID IT BEFORE BUT THIS CHAPTER HAD ME ON THE FLOOR!! I HAVE LEGIT PERISHED WHILE READING SO MY GHOST IS HERE TO WRITE ABOUT HOW AMAZING THIS CHAPTER WAS!!!

‼ SPOILERS BELOW CUT ‼

OKAY STARTING OFF STRONG, THE VERY FIRST PANEL!

LOOK AT THESE CUTIESSSS!! I WILL NEVER BE OVER THE FACT THAT KAGI IS THE FIRST THING HIRANO SEES EVERY MORNING!!!!

SASAKIIIII OGAAAAAA MY BOYS ITS BEEN TOO LONGGGGGG

BRIBERY! :D

Hirano back at it again feeding into the pilot propaganda

also, kinda gay to think about another man like that unprompted while using the word "exploring" if you ask me.

"I can't believe he had the nerve" I can't believe you had the nerve to even think that.

also, love sasaki giving one of his classic "I know what you are hirano" looks

HANZAWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Have I ever said how much I love this dude? he is so silly and so important to me you don't understand. this panel is adorable!!!

HIRANOOO YOU ARE SO CLOSE TO GETTING IT, THE POINT IS RIGHT THERE!! IT IS NOT DIFFERENT WITH THE DAMN PEPPERS MY BOY!!!

I LOVE HOW HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOING THROUGH EVERY STAGE OF GRIEF IN THAT SECOND PANEL LMAOOO

"I think......" I AM GOING TO KILL!!! WHY IS THIS HITTING ME JUST AS HARD AS THE "I guess he wasn't going to touch me" SCENE AAAAAAAAAAA

alsooo I count this entire page and the page before as more proof for my aspec hirano propaganda

KAGI MY SON YOU LOOK SO CUTEEE

WHEN I TELL YOU I DIE EVERY TIME HE DOES THIS

ACK THE BLUSH!!! NOT VERY HETERO-JUST-ROOMATES OF YOU HIRANO!!

also I love how he's slowly getting more and more flustered everytime kagi asks for 10 seconds

he looks so happy i am gonna CRY

........................... . z.d.s..s.

JAKKQOWISHSJHDBBDHDJWISKWOAOKAK

OH MY FUCKING,,,,,,,,,

I CANNOT DO THIS I CANNOT COPE I AM DEAD DYING ON THE FLOOR I HAVE DIED FROM GAYBRAIN I WILL NEVER RECOVER

also THIS WAS SO TSUNDERE OF YOU HIRANO IM SORRY BUT ITS TRUE

also also THE FIRST TIME HIRANO INITIATES THE 10 SECONDS THIS IS A MONUMENTAL OCCASION I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD FRAME THIS PANEL

EXPLODES!!!! KAGI'S FACE I CANT DO THISSSSS

SO BLUNT KAGI LMAO!

"........." QHAT DOES THAT MEAN HIRANO!!! EXPLAIN!!!!!!!

WHAT.

WHATTYYTTJEOAJSKEHEKWJS

KAGI HELLO?!?!??!?!???! I AM UNWELL?????? YOU CANT BE DOING THIS TO ME????????

FIRST MITSUKOU DATE NOW THIS I AM IN SHAMBLES

THE MANGA IS JUST AS SHOCKED AS I AM?!?!?!!!

-------------

OVERALL: 10/10 CHAPTER I AM NEVER GOING TO RECOVER THANK YOU HARUSONO!!! I NEED FINANCIAL COMPENSATION FOR THE MENTAL DECOMPOSITION CAUSED BY THIS CHAPTER 🙏

#malt rants #hirano to kagiura #hirano and kagiura #hirano taiga #kagiura akira #kagihira #hirakagi #sasaki shuumei #ogasawara jirou #hanzawa masato #I AM DECEASED #htk manga #hirano to kagiura spoilers #hirano to kagiura manga #htk spoilers

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leasstories · 19 days

Text

Letter six:

TW: Depiction of grief; after Eddie’s death

Letter 5 - Letter 7

April 30th, 1986

Eddie,

I don't even know why I am writing those lines. But I miss you, and I'm angry at everyone who treated you badly. I saw Mrs Cunningham at the store and she started badmouthing on you. You can't imagine how much that hurts. To hear words about your boyfriend, your lover than you know aren't true.

I have to find a way to make see how you really where, who you were deep down. I just can't the idea that people still hate you and you did everything in your power to save them...

They should be so fucking grateful. But the problem is that they don't know that. They don't know how you really left us nor why.

I've been feeling sick lately. I don't know what happening to me.

Anyways, I called Hopper this morning. I got a part-time job as a secretary for now. He didn't want to give me a full-time job because of my current mental state.

He already told me that if one day I didn't feel like going to work, I could skip and he'd still pay me. He is a sweetheart but I can't accept this.

Wayne's invited me to play poker this afternoon. He told me all about how you've stopped playing with him when you were 15. You know, he wished he had one last game with you. He told me you were good at it. I wasn't that good. I wish you could have taught me...

I didn't really answer, I still cannot talk about you, except to defend you. As for Wayne he can only do it when he's remembering something about you. It's hard to hear him talk about you, but I can't be selfish, he needs it and that's why I'll let him talk about you as much as he wants. Even though it hurts.

Wayne said he would stop by this afternoon.I really have to clean up the trailer... I never have the strength to do mundane tasks and the trailer is a real mess. You would tell me: "Sweetheart, you're worse than me." And you would have chuckled.

I really don't want Wayne to see how bad I'm doing. He is already there for me more than he should. Besides it would break his heart and the poor man already has to cope with your departure so I don't want him to have to cope with my shitty mental state.

I know he already sees I am not doing good, I just don't want him to see the extent of how bad I feel. I don't want to add this pressure on him. I don't want to become a burden.

Anyways, little genius finally finished writing the campaign. Even if it's hard I promised to him that I would read it so that's what I'm going to do right after writing this letter. I will tell you about everything about it tomorrow. But I'm sure it's gonna be good, as you always said, the kid's a genius, even though his ego is the size of the World Trade Center. I know you would have laughed at this joke. And called me a "smarty pants" but that's true ! Don't even try to argue with me on that !

Anyways, he gave me the campaign and I'll try reading today. They are going to play it on Friday. I can't watch it, I don't feel capable of doing so. I'm sorry Eddie, I know you want me to watch the campaign, I know you don't like the fact that I asked Dustin to kill off my character. But DnD without you makes no sense.

On a more positive note, I'm going out with Gareth and Jeff tonight. They said and I quote "we don't want to be sulking all alone in your house tonight so let's go The Hideout."

Gareth even added "please sneak some beers for me." Im not so fond of the idea but who am

I ? Definitely not his mom, so he'll get his beer. Don't worry, I'll supervise him.

The boys are missing you too you know. We're all missing you.

Eternally yours,

- Your sweetie

Taglist: @abellmunsonmovie

#eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x yn #eddie munson #the loneliest universe

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trans-axolotl · 8 months

Note

for about two years now ive struggled with relapses in self harm and have not really known how to deal with my desires for harm, health, and existing thoughts on antipsychiatry. ive been accessing psychiatric resources for well over a decade with a lot of trauma inflicted over that time. ive also dealt with really harsh approaches to reducing self harm that both began the problem in the first place and worsened it.

ive been working with my therapist to stop self harming but, to be honest, i have no desire to stop. i try my best to reduce risk where i can such as not self harming in an emotional state, using clean implements, and keeping it light. previously i didnt care about any of those things and self harm was mainly a dangerous coping mechanism. but now i see it almost as a form of body modification with a lot of intentionality to it.

i really dont know what to think. its objectively dangerous since i am harming myself but i also cant agree with the general aims of therapy and psychiatry to stop self harming as an ultimate goal. i want to be happy and healthy and for me that means living with self harm as a reality of something i will continue to do. and i think its my right as an autonomous person to choose what i do with my body, even if its harmful. yet i can feel the claws of psychiatry and feel so much shame and hatred towards the fact i cant stop. or more significantly, that i dont want to.

sorry for such a long ask, but essentially what im getting at is, how does one handle harm reduction when there is no desire to ever fully stop? i believe in my own right to bodily autonomy but ive also been told repeatedly that using my bodily autonomy to harm myself makes me undeserving of it and instead in need of carceral punishment. how do i even begin to navigate those contradictions of feeling like ive been horribly hurt and dehumanized and feeling like on some level ive deserved that dehumanization because of the pain i inflict? is self harm as body modification even a concept or idea that people have discussed? since i mainly just see it discussed as a coping mechanism.

content note: continued discussion of self harm and self harm methods.

Hi, anon. Thanks so much for reaching out.

I really resonated with so much of what you shared. It's really hard to try to navigate all our feelings associated with self harm when we are constantly hearing from society that our self harm makes us dangerous or unworthy or unable to live outside of institutions. For me, it honestly feels really violating when other people like providers try to push their narrative of what self harm means onto me. My relationship with my self harm is so personal and there's a lot of different meaning I attach to it, and I want the room to be able to talk about it in a way that actually makes sense to me.

Something that's helped me in trying to navigate all of this for myself is really just to come back to these values of bodily autonomy and harm reduction. A really important harm reduction value for me is that it is completely okay if people don't ever stop (whether we're talking about drugs, self harm, disorderly eating, etc). It's important to me that we can defend people's right to do all these things and recognize that harm reduction should not be just another method of coercion trying to convince people to stop. I strongly believe that people can have meaningful and valuable lives that also include self harm as a part of our lives. I want to build a world where we can say that we're not interested in completely stopping self harm and that statement is not reacted to with shame or blame, but rather with curiosity and respect for the fact that we are the experts on our own lives and choices. Part of encouraging autonomy is recognizing that we are allowed to make choices about our lives that might not be what the psych system wants us to make.

Anyway, all of this is to say: I think it's okay if you're not interested in ever stopping self harming, and I know a lot of people who also feel similarly to you. You absolutely have the right to interpret your self harm in a way that makes sense for you. I've definitely heard other people talk about self harm as body modification (I think some of the harm reduction zines in this google drive might talk about it, but I haven't read through them in a while. Continued content note for discussion of self harm, self harm methods, and diagrams of anatomy and self harm). It makes a lot of sense why you might connect self harm and body modification, and that's something that would resonate with a lot of other people. You have the right to build a life that includes self harm as a part of it, and find a way to do it that makes sense for your body and life.

That feeling of dehumanization you described is so so real. I really just feel a lot of rage towards a psychiatric system that makes us feel so hurt and conflicted. Untangling that learned shame and hatred towards ourselves is so fucking hard, but just know that you are not alone in that and that we have the right to reject the ways the psych system punishes us.

And I want to be clear that none of this is to downplay the very real harm, pain, or risk that can come with self harm, but rather to point out that abstinence only methods, shame, and carceral psychiatry did not do anything to support me with that. Instead, it left me feeling trapped and like it was worthless to even try to figure out what I needed in really difficult moments. So I also really just want to acknowledge and celebrate all the stuff you listed in your ask--using clean implements, not self harming in an emotional state, and keeping it light. I'm really glad that you've found some steps to take that make self harm more manageable for you. Those are not lesser steps or a waste of your time just because you are not interested in stopping self harm, and those things are such a great example of how harm reduction doesn't require you to stop self harming in order to make some changes that reduce risk.

Just sending a lot of love and solidarity to you, anon, from another person who is not interested in completely stopping self harm, even as my relationship to my self harm shifts and changes over the years. There are a lot of us out here and we deserve to have the space to openly talk about these things without facing judgement.

💜💜💜💜

#asks #self harm tw #antipsych #psych abolition #harm reduction #harm reduction is so important to me. didn't go on this in the main post bc it's a tangent but just like #the co-optation of harm reduction by the gov and nonprofits makes me so fucking annoyed.#i learned harm reduction from other sex workers and drug users bc it was what were doing to survive. to me harm reduction needs to be based #in radical autonomy and liberation and with the understanding that it's totally fine and neutral and okay if ppl never stop #also my own relationship to self harm is not one where stopping it completely is a priority. there's a few forms of self harm i want to sto #bc it's really hard to accurately judge the risks of that self harm. and also because it was really difficult for my loved ones to watch an #i care about that. but i feel totally okay with the thought that cutting may or may not be a part of my future. and that i will find #love joy meaning. all of that. regardless. and that there are times im grateful for how self harm helped me survive #as much as there are times i hate it and times that self harm were so incredibly destructive to other parts of my life. it is soooo complex #for me! and i cannot just label it the way psychs want me to #anyway. lots of love anon.

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csprslvt · 8 months

Text

you and i, and her pt. 8

Chapter seven

Summary: Reader and Abby talk. Feeling very conflicted about what side to take so the burn is still slow, Ellie is falling deeper in love with the idea of who reader is. And reader hates herself for it. Lots of thinking ensues.

Warnings:The D slur, homophobia, angst, self hate, manipulative/lying behavior,unhealthy coping skills,mentions of dissociation,sexual jokes implied,love triangle,betrayal,angsty thoughts,written on an iphone bc my laptop died and I can’t find the charger so probably badly written,Ellie is down so bad someone tell her to stand up‼️‼️‼️

You probably shouldn't have told Abby about Ellie, if you were a better friend you might have kept her secret. But at the same time it was so conflicting. Abby’s sweet words had made you fold immediately.

“So wait, you've been hanging around someone plotting to kill me?”

“Abby I came with her to find you first, to tell you.”

“So what exactly am I supposed to do with that information? Not go home and let everyone back at the WLF base die?”

“I don't know but I don't want you there it's not safe”

Abby scoffed

“I can take her.”

“I don't want you to hurt her either.”

A myriad of emotions crossed Abby's face.

“So you're on her side too? Youre with someone who is trying to kill me?”

“No Abby I'm not.”

“Then why are you protecting her?”

“Are you- are you fucking jealous?”

“Why are you protecting her?”

“Fuck Abby you have no right to accuse me of anything right now, nor have the right to be possessive over me considering you were just having sex with Owen, and would’ve continued doing so had I not showed up.”

“Its the principal of what your doing that is fucking with my head right now y/n.”

“Fucking with your head? You know what actually blows my mind, the fact that you were so willing to jump into bed with someone without even looking for me. The fact that I'm supposed to be the love of your life and you didn't look for me. That is so fucked up. So yea I am fucking protecting her because she is my friend and shes been good to me and Im a goddamn human who doesnt want either of you to be in pain.”

Abby watched you intently, soaking in your words.

“I said I was sorry about Owen.”

“Yes you did, but have I even forgiven you? I have no idea. Both of you frustrate me so fucking much.”

“Owen and I?”

“No, you and Ellie. I love you Abby, I have never loved anyone else but sometimes loving you hurts me. And I'm confused because I initially came out here to jump back into your arms and run away with you but now I don't know If that's what I want considering someone else’s hands were on you and you let it be that way. What happened to us?”

“If we had never separated this wouldn't have happened”

“Well I'm sorry I got kidnapped. That was totally in my control” You seethed.

“y/n I am sorry.I can't tell you how badly I need you back in my life again. Things haven't been the same. I'm not the same, the entire WLF base can see it… come home. I need you”

“I just need some time to figure out what the fuck I want to do”

Abby stood up

“Well I'm not waiting for all my friends to die. I'm going home.”

“Abby please I can't let her kill you.”

“Have more faith in me.”

“It's hard to believe anything when it comes to you anymore”

Abby made a pained expression, that was a little painful to hear but it was fair.

You looked outside, and the light was coming in. Ellie would be awake soon.

“I've gotta go before she sees that I'm gone.”

Standing up you stepped close to Abby, hugging her. Her arms wrapped around you, lifting you off her feet, your face borrowed in her neck.

“Just, don't die okay?” Though now all you did with Abby was argue, she was still someone you cared deeply for.

“I won't ,stay safe y/n '' Abby mumbled into your shoulder.

The love was still so strong. It just felt strained.

That night or rather that morning when you had gotten back to Ellie, you’d snuggled up against her side again. And like second nature she pulled you into her, brushing her lips against your forehead and if she had been a little closer, it would have seemed like a kiss.

This was wrong, it was all so so wrong. But being close to Ellie felt good. It felt uncomplicated, simple, safe.

Ellie, once again woke up first. Her heart slowed to a gentle rhythm when she discovered you fast asleep in her arms.

“Beautiful”

Beautiful, she thought when she looked at you. Memorizing every pathway of your skin, looking softly at you as if she could never look away. It was a different admiration she had ever felt. Not with Riley, not with Cat, not with Dina. You were so you. Each of her past lovers had a thing about them that she was drawn to but you, she couldn't put a finger on it. All she knew is that she craved more. More days waking up with you in her arms, more of your laughs, smiles, more hidden glances she snuck when you were busy brushing shimmer or staring off into the treeline, mindlessly rubbing the gold locket that fell gracefully onto your pretty collarbones.

She wondered what was in that locket of yours, a past lover? A sibling or family member? Perhaps a pet? She highly doubted that possibility. You werent really an animal person unless it was shimmer.

Eventually you stirred awake.

“G’mornin Els” you drawled, a voice as smooth and soft as honey. It was music to her ears. She loved how vulnerable you sounded, fresh in the morning, only visible to her.

“Morning y/n” The look she was giving you was a little too overwhelming to be making eye contact with so you lowered your gaze.

“Sorry I'm all up in your space again. I couldn't-”

“No, I like it”

You blinked.

Ellie once again made it awkward.

“Dude you gotta stop flirting with me”

you spoke trying to break up the tension. (Was it uncomfortable or sexual tension? That you'll never tell)

Ellie’s face changed into that of a tomato.

“ I wasn't!”

You sat up next to her stretching her eyes immediately went to the bare skin that showed as your shirt rode up. She couldn't help it.

Before you could catch her eye though, she looked away, deciding that suddenly the sky was very interesting, looking intently at it.

“Sure, you definitely were!” You giggled.

Finally the pair of you were back on the road.

Once again, you were chest to back, wrapped around her waist and to Ellie, nothing ever felt so right.

She was so happy you followed her on her journey. You were so kind, so selfless for supporting her like this. She hoped that once this was all over she would be happy again. Happy with you. Her best friend. When she and Dina had broken up she never thought she would meet someone as amazing as you but you stumbling into those words was such a little miracle.

Ellie was perfectly content with the feeling of you holding onto her, she savored every touch. Never had she once had a platonic relationship with another girl that felt so deep and powerful. It flooded her heart with warmth. She only hoped that you reciprocated her feelings.

“Y/n?”

“Hm?”

“Thanks”

“For what?”

“For coming all this way for me. You have no idea how much it means to me.”

You paused, guilt crawling into your soul. laying thoughts of self hatred inside of you, like an infection.

Like a parasite.

If only she knew you had came here to betray her.

“Of course Ellie.”

“I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

“Oh god Ellie stop. I’m a horrible person” you’d heard yourself think. But you didn’t say that. She would never allow you to think that. Ellie was a good person.

“Of course Ellie.”

Lying, lying, lying. You were a bad person, cruel, selfish. Saying sweet words to disguise the truth. Maybe you did deserve to be with someone like Abby. Maybe you deserved to be forgotten about.Not looked for, abandoned. Ellie didn’t deserve that. She was a perfect friend. Maybe you should just leave tonight and stay with Abby, like a coward unable to tell Ellie what was actually going on. Why you were really there; to save your ex-girlfriend, whose locket you still wore close to your heart. Were you even broken up? Were you available? Could you entertain Ellie’s obvious advances? No, it’s probably a bad idea. But you already sucked as a person, you might as well just go all the way into complete douche-baggary.

“Ellie when this is all over we need to have a girls night.”

“Girls night?”

“Yea like we eat a bunch of shit food, say horrible things about people we don’t like and do face masks!”

Ellie turned and smiled at you.

“I’d really like that”

The journey went on, and you came across infected, yet to see raiders or hunters. Ellie was stealthy. She taught you how to come up behind them and how to sneak amongst the masses. They never seemed to really really go for her, they were so busy chasing you. That was a little weird, how they acted like she was one of them. Maybe she really was that smooth. But you doubted it. It was Ellie Williams. She wasn’t smooth about anything. Especially not when it mattered. At least not other than murdering infected.

She seemed to enjoy this position she placed herself in, she liked teaching you things, sharing information, seeing you watch her, having your eyes on her. She wanted more of it. Every drop of attention you gave her she ate it up.It probably wasn’t normal to want someone so badly. Especially her best friend but she didn’t care. Not as long as you looked at her.

Call her desperate or depraved or whatever but she couldn’t get enough. If only you knew how deep her admiration ran, maybe you would be scared away but she doubted it. You were just as crazy as she was, after all if you weren’t you wouldn’t have been such good friends. Clicking so fast as if you were always meant to meet.

You, on the other hand, felt more sick than ever. Good thing you were such an experienced liar otherwise Ellie would’ve caught on.

It was a feeling of pure disgust by your own actions. By telling Abby about Ellie you were basically associating with the person Ellie hated the most, and rightfully so. But they were both frustrating. Abby killing Joel as revenge and Ellie killing Abby as a result. It was a big, unhealthy cycle that likely wouldn’t offer Ellie any happiness. After all she couldn’t bring anyone back to life by sacrificing another.She wouldn’t heal from this.

What would you do, when the time comes to choose between them? Abby was really pissing you off but that didn’t mean the love you had would just go away. She has seen every bad part of you and loved you regardless. You were sure Ellie would feel nothing but hate when/if she found out you met up with Abby, nevermind loved Abby.

So you came to the conclusion to utilize a common coping skill in your every day life. You would dissociate, disconnect from the stress and allow yourself to be loved by Ellie. Enjoy the moments with her before she would ultimately leave you. Or until you ultimately left her. The thought left a sick feeling inside of your abdomen. She would never forgive you. So you might as well take advantage of right now before everything went to compete and utter shit.

Notes: feedback is greatly appreciated! Pls lmk if the story should be team Abby or team Ellie. thanks for reading xoxoxo!

#abby anderson #abby x reader #ellie tlou2 #angst #ellie x reader #gaming #eventual smut #fem reader #the last of us 2 #ellie williams

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somesecretpie · 19 days

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hello! sorry to bother you with this out of nowhere, but do you think ocd might come with auditory hallucinations, seeing trippy stuff when you close your eyes, daily sleep paralysis and stuff of the like? im basically living in a constant state of fear but there are no compulsions to speak of so i had ruled ocd out, but your comic just shed one hell of a light on my current state of affairs. thank you very much, and once again im sorry for this - its just that i really dont have anything else to turn to lol

Hi there,

I’m sorry you are going through this right now. I’m not really an authority on mental health I am just a goober who made a comic and this is mostly a comic blog. But I’m going to try and give you some relevant information anyway:

A frequent obsession a lot of people with OCD can have is their own mental health. “Am I psychotic?” Is a big fear that can lead to someone overanalyzing their experiences and worrying that blurry things they see in their periphery, stuff they aren’t sure they heard, static patterns when they close their eyes, and sleep paralysis are signs of psychosis. The “compulsion” to ease the anxiety of possibly being psychotic might be reading over lists of different mental illnesses to make sure you don’t have one or repeatedly “checking” to see if things are real. And that repeated checking might cause a fear cycle.

But this could also be genuine psychosis. Having hallucinations is pretty scary and could easily explain the fear. But I want you to know that being psychotic is not the end of the world that media and culture often makes it out to be. Many of my homies have hallucinations and various psychotic disorders and they live relatively normal lives. It can be rough, but like OCD, there’s many things you can do to help manage psychosis-causing mental illness.

I don’t know if you have OCD. Maybe you do. Maybe you have a different mental illness. It is also entirely possible (and common) to have both OCD AND other mental illnesses.

I would seriously recommend seeking professional help, if you are able. I know it can be really scary, but I promise they aren’t going to lock you away and your life isn’t going to be over if they diagnose you with something. You can better learn how to cope and treat yourself if you figure out what is wrong, and when you are scared and full of doubt, it can be hard to do that alone. Attempting to self-diagnose, when you have anxiety, can easily send you spiraling.

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ashersanity · 3 months

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Hey, Asher. This is degenerate anon once again. Sorry for swarming your inbox with my asks 😭 I noticed you haven't been doing so well (because I may or may not be stalking your tags), and I just wanted to double-check, hope you're doing well. You're a pretty cool person and I'm kinda worried about your state Please, don't overwork yourself, whether it goes down to answering asks or other things like work or studies. We can wait as long as we have to for the first case, and you're a human too. What you do already is far more than enough I also just wanna remind you that you're awesome, and if anybody says otherwise, I'll punt them to the moon. I would have offered my inbox too, but I said some very embarrassing shit, there is absolutely no way I'm getting off anon, so all I can say is that I'll always be here for you, presence-wise. Eat and rest well today, you deserve a break (˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈♡) - Whitney's left tit- whoops, I meant... Degenerate anon :)

Lmfaooooo what. nah.

heavy vent. scroll past. thanks. →

Really, the last thing I really wanted when I made those posts was to worry anyone, not that I think I would but now I’m seeing a bunch of people suddenly reaching out to me and asking if I’m okay. I appreciate it a lot, really I do and you too, degenerate anon, for even bothering to ask when you could’ve scrolled past or played off those tags as shits n giggles since that’s what it sort of was in my head anyway. I wasn’t exactly in the best of states when I wrote those. Sometimes, rarely so, it gets so bad that I’m acting on impulse, sputtering out bullshit about wanting to end it right then and there, that it’d be better this way if I was never born at all. Its fucking hysterical how I play it off right after as if I didn’t just casually mention it a bit ago because truth is, I’m not okay yet I don’t want to reach out to anyone either in fear of being a bother and the vulnerability that comes with it. This whole persona of being obscenely horny for entertainment, unserious just for it to be a coping mechanism.

Not exactly sure why I’m laying it out all on you when you didn’t even ask for it, it’s selfish to do so but your ask just really made the words scramble and be put together in my brain as though I finally had the opportunity to answer the why to my question. Why the fuck am I like this. Why the fuck am I plagued with this utter crap of dealing with whatever the fuck this is. I don’t know what it really is, some have told me it’s depression and I’m simply in denial about it. Maybe I am. I’ve been through worse than this, especially in the lockdown though this somehow feels worser for no reason. I’m supposed to have gotten my shit together by then, moved out, new life, new place to settle in, new people, people who are actually kind and welcoming, regularly work out and whatnot.

I still feel like utter shit. I still feel like I’m not doing enough. To be honest, life is moving way too fucking fast for me, one day I’m still a young kid who’s spending his time all day at the park and the next I’m supposed to be a grown adult who’s got all his shit together by then, who has responsibilities, responsibilities that cannot be ignored nor pushed away no matter how much I try to run away from my problems. I know that it’s not that hard, at least, not compared to other people I’ve seen who have it so much harder and still manage through it all while I’m barely hanging on by a thread. It’s so pathetic, god. I need a shitty fictional character from a porn game to even cope about it but even then, there’s so much I can think about before reality hits me once more and I’m left to deal with my thoughts alone in the dark while my roommate is dozing away in the next room.

I hate it so much, I feel as though im not good enough no matter what I do, no matter what I try is simply not enough to measure to other people’s expectations or mines either, not that I think of myself much to begin with. Even when people tell me that what I do is good, wether it be art, writing, who I am as a whole, that they enjoy talking to me because I am who I am, reassured on my appearance too because no matter how many compliments I get I still feel like a monster hiding beneath a layer of flesh moulded to look like that of a human. I feel displaced. I feel as though I don’t belong. It’s not there’s nothing in the world for me, it’s simply I’m nothing for the world itself.

I’m a burden. It’s as simple as that, the amount of guilt that I feel when people express affection towards me, wether it be friends, family members, hell even romantic partners which I may or may not have rejected all from the horror of intimacy. Whenever they tell me they love me to my face, that they worry for me whenever I’m in a bad state, I can’t help the pit that fills my stomach nor the lump in my throat because I truly am undeserving of this fucking love. Give it someone else, please. Anyone but me because they need it more than I do, than whatever the fuck of a shitty person that I am.

I have it bad, so fucking bad that when someone hugged me today, I was practically burying my face in their shoulder and clinging onto dear life because by god, this is the only time I’ll ever allow myself such contact every time I push it away. Nearly burst into tears like a moron too even if I rarely do ever cry since it’s been ingrained in my head to never cry, boys don’t cry, he says, only sissies do and the last thing I wanna be is a pussy. Cried in front of him once as a kid and he told me to get my shit together and suck it up unless I wanna be beaten up in the adult world. So bad that someone actually caught me crying once and I quickly played it off as physical pain (recurring stomach ache) hurting me so bad that tears were spilling, frantically reassuring them that I’m good. Sometimes I do wonder, why i am the one to reassure others.

I know that if I actually reached out to the people that have offered, sought a therapist like a few people have recommended to, it would possibly get better or maybe not. It would probably do more good and I’d be able to sort through these feelings for sure but I won’t. I fucking won’t. I’ve gotten used to bottling up these feelings. Fuck, I’ve repressed them from years and it seems they’re finally spilling in this overly long ass post that no one will bother reading. That’s fine with me because I really need to say it out loud for once even if it’s written through text on a fucking platform called Tumblr where cock is more prevalent than someone’s fucking life.

I’m not okay. That’s the thing. I’m not fucking okay. I wish I could play it off as I usually do whenever people ask me such questions like “how are you” irl. I wish I could say it out loud, say it to their faces, say what I really am. I’m not okay. I’m not fucking okay and I don’t think I’ll be okay soon either because I’ve not fucking okay for so long that it’s getting to me. I’m not okay. I’m miserable actually, I’m so fucking miserable that I wish I could just sleep forever and never wake up again. I’m so fucking miserable that there’s not a day that goes by where there’s this fleeting thought in the back of my mind that wonders, wonders how better it’d be if I were to disappear altogether, stop being a burden to those around me. I’m so fucking miserable that I didn’t even bother answering your well-intentioned question and instead am laying myself bare to the world on a shitty tumblr post. I’m so fucking miserable that I had to pause as I type this because it’s as though I’m finally admitting the obvious truth that I’ve been unwilling to say. I’m so fucking miserable that I just wish I could curl up into a ball and freely cry into someone’s lap, I wish I could fucking yell it even.

I’m not okay. I’m not fucking okay. No matter how much I say it in these written words it doesn’t seem to equal to the amount of times I had to muffle myself, clasp a hand over my mouth in the darkness of my room as a teenager so that my noisy parents don’t overhear my cries. I’m not fucking okay because even when I tell myself as an adult now, that I’m over it, I’m not. I’ve been going through it for so very long, willingly choosing to suffer in silence because it’s the easiest for me even if it will ruin me in the end. It’s already ruining me and eating me from the inside. I’d rather dump all of this crap on here than even say it to the people who’re close to me, asking about it.

I’m burnt out, I’m tired. I wish to rest but I can’t.

Because I think I’m fucking a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve such.

I hope you’re doing better than me, degenerate anon. Sincerely so, you deserve it and thanks for even asking again despite the few interactions we’ve had through asks. You’re my favorite anon for sure.

But ahah, im doing fine lmfao.

#LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO #lmfao #lol #XD even #I’m so silly #so fucking close to losing it #aren’t we all? lololololol #cringe #dumb post #mentions of wanting to fucking kill my self #oops i guess?#degenerate anon #asher in the flesh #delete this shit rn

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