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sweetdevillydia · 8 months

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September 3rd, 2023

Dear Diary

Everyone in my class should just die

On God, how the hell did they manage to create a class where everyone in it is a stupid ableist transphobe insufferable idiot? It's a choosen subject yeah, but why only annoying people like what I like? And no-one of them is like me, which is surprising

I'm sociable and nice and pretty and I get along with everyone, it's just with this class that everybody hates me, it's because of my autism of course (and probably cause I'm trans) they think I'm weird and other stuff that alistics think about autistics, they're all so stupide

This week one of the stupid groups (my group is also full of stupid people but whatever) gave a presentation about autism, and they were so wrong that in my last year of school, I had to tell the class that I'm autistic just to prove how stupid and wrong they were, I corrected their stupid presentation and suddenly the whole class was against me in a stupid "debate", they used the puzzle symbol and examples from ableist shows for God's sake, the whole thing was full of misinformation and stereotypes, buuuut I was the wrong one in my classmate's eyes, the teacher listed to me tho, so there's that, she's kiiiiinda supportive you know, she tries

I did that because my classmates were going to hate me more anyway, so it's better to be hated and right, I proved my point probably, they have such huge egos, and their heads are so far up their asses that they probably ignored me but whatever, I know I'm right

Of course, they hate me more now, talk more about me behind my back, and spread rumors about me, I kept my neurodivergence to myself during all of my school years and I know that will spread like wildfire, but there's only more like 4 months of school, so it can't be that bad, can it? I'm tired of trying to be nice and getting people to like me if they're gonna hate me anyway, they're going to pay for it, I hate them, I hate them so much, and I'm tired of pretending I don't, they deserve to feel so much pain, they deserve to pay for all the pain they've caused to me and others, they're so bad to the other autistic boy at my other class, I'm basically the only one that defends him :(

They're so evil, they should be expurged, all of them should be tortured to death, I hate them so much, i want their heads on a stick, they should all be guillotined, especially that stupid bee, I hate that bee so bad, she thinks so high of herself, when in actually she's just pure 4'1 of a pick me annoying basic bitch stupid arrogant and her friends are the same thing with even less personality, they should burn to death

All of the ampar group is annoying and stupid and they all think they're so smart and protagonists of everyone's lives, they're the worse, no personality cunts, they should all drown, and since that stupid bitch thinks is so bad her boobs are soooo uneven (its unnoticeable but she talks about that way too much) it should all be cut off her body no anesthesia >:)

The "girl group" is also so annoying, they're SUPER loud, they SCREAM SO MUCH ALL THE TIME, and for what? They're the worst, dumb and weird and judge too much and it seems the only thing they know how to do is talk shit about others, their personality is being loud, and that stupid traitor, you'd think she'd take my side, but even that stupid ana betrayed me, she was known by being kinda smart but clearly she's not, I hope she doesn't become a doctor like her parents cause she can't fucking listen, they all should be stabbed to death, eyes poked out and everything

Then there are the other people, they're kind of secondary but they're even louder than the girl group, they're dumber and louder, and they're the most transphobic and I hope they all drown and burn and get limbs amputated and get beaten and that it takes months for them to die

And "my" group is just as bad, I wouldn't call them my group cause they ignore me, and even got the new kid to ignore me (the new kid was the one being ignored, but when I tried talking to him suddenly he was soooo part of the group) I just sit with them cause every assignment in that class is a group assignment, 2ish of the 6 members at least pretend to like me, everything went downhill after B left and new people joined, can't blame B for leaving school and blocking everyone from that class, I'll do the same. But anyway, their humor consists of making fun of each other, making fun of Disabilities, and making fun of trans people, yeah they're absolutely disgusting and I hate them

I'm tired of pretending I don't hate them after I tried so badly to make them like, they don't even just not have an opinion of me, they hate me for no reason and so I've started to hate them too, but I won't be silent anymore, I'll tell the teachers, I'll tell everyone about how their beloved students are actually like, karma is gonna get them

And that's why I think all of them should die

(Btw me and S. started talking again but we already stopped cause they committed the same mistake)

#vent #dear diary #8-3 #dante #s #if problems

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sweetdevillydia · 10 months

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Just brushed out my depression hair ^^

Looks bad tho @-@ i definitely need a trim

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sweetdevillydia · 2 years

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can’t believe I’m only now finding out that hiro suzuhira redrew her anime goth girl in 2020 after finding out how iconic she is in the west

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sweetdevillydia · 2 years

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September 2nd 2022, Dear Diary

I lost my favorite stim toy, I'm so freaking sad, it just disappeared from existence in the one second I wasn't holding it

This week I got my ears pierced (Wednesday 31), it hurt, but it'll he worth it when I get the pretty earrings

I may've started talking to S. again who knows

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sweetdevillydia · 2 years

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somewhere between emotional and emotionless

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sweetdevillydia · 2 years

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July 28th 2022 Dear Diary

Vent art

About how Isolated I feel at school

The character I drew mixes how I look, how I want to look and things I hate in myself, therefore drawing my soul

The sweater is based on the one I was wearing at school but with rainbow lines to represent that its not only fabric around my body, but it also shows my personality, it's very colorful and so it got nasty looks from my peers even though I love it so much

I added the phrase "am I the problem?" to it because that's the question in my mind, but I can't ask it, so I write it, but it still doesn't get answered. There's multiple thought bubbles on it to show that's something that's bugging me along with other thoughts, there's a distorted thought bubble showing my worry that the thought itself is distorted

The skirt shows that I'm viewed as a girl even though I'm not, which makes me uncomfortable wearing the stuff I like and so I don't

The red in my fingertips represents my worry that I did something I don't know and that made everyone hate me and I simply can't see it

The rainbow in my throat shows how much I'd like to talk about my interests and feelings, but the blue represents the knot on my throat and how suffocated I feel not being able to speak with a group of people, sometimes it physically hurts holding in my sadness

The blue in my face also shows how suffocated I feel with the situation, and the pink shows how embarrassed I feel as well, yesterday I was sitting in class in front of a group of friends, when they talked it felt like I was just staring at them while they had a conversation and I was like "eavesdropping" or something, it felt so awkward and I got so sad

The rainbow eyes represents my worry that I'm actually imagining everything, that I'm seeing the world distorted and they actually like me and I'm the one who thinks they don't, of course this thought could be me fantasizing about a better world and putting the blame solely on me

The rainbow tears represents my sadness overflowing, as well as it's types, the different reasons why, the deepness and for how long I've been sad

The stuff in my hair represents how I present to the world but a version that was distorted by my thoughts

The smiling face shows that I always try to look happy and positive, but if my feelings creeped out (and they eventually do) it becomes a upside down smiling face, a sad face then

The zombie hand represent my "creepy" interests I end up talking about, or bizarre things I end up talking about and I don't even know why, it just comes out and I end up looking creepy and bizarre

The black thing represents my style, how I don't have a curated identity, and so I just wear whatever I'm feeling like when I feeling like it, I could wear punk pants and elf ears at the same time idc, but some people view it as weird

The raining cloud shows how when I talk about my feelings nobody cares, it's like a "everyone asks did you go out in the rain? but never how was the rain" type situation, they don't stay in the rain, they shelter themselves and pray for it to go away so they can go outside again

The huge pink ribbon with butterflies in it represents how I present to the world personality wise, cute and bubbly, but I end up exaggerating and breaking and annoying others i think

The purple, blue and black background behind my head, neck and shoulders represents how heavy I'm feeling, the pressure put on me by myself, others and school in general, as well as the dark thoughts I carry

The blue stars represents that sometimes I can understand my classmates, but they're rare, depends on the situation and can't be viewed from certain places, and after a lifetime not understanding people how do I know that this time is real and not a false feeling

The blue people represents the friends groups, they seem to just click, to understand each other perfectly, even have the same mind, that's why they painted with the same color and only one stroke. They're all very different people, but they understand each other, they understand the whole group, and I can't understand any of them, that doesn't make me feel jealous, only sad that I can't understand it, that I can't even speak to them, they always know when to say something but I don't. Do you know that feeling? When they're all taking and laughing and you say something and they stop smiling? That's the worst thing ever, like, sorry I took away your happines, sorry I said anything, I'm so sorry I was born, and they don't even answer, they just nod their head and go back to talk to the group

That's like the wort feeling ever

The cloud represents my brain

The rainbow represents my interests and thoughts circling inside it, the pink are my emotions revolving inside

The well organized strings with stars and water drops represents when I talk about my thoughts and the messy pink line represents emotions escaping through and overflowing

The pink thing in the middle represents my emotions, how sometimes I can't understand it myself, and how from a outside view it can look like nothing or something huge and idk dangerous? Not reallly dangerous but massive, and how I can't even explain it or know how to deal with it

But maybe it's just the seasonal depression

#vent #7-28 #dear diary #vent art #art #drawing

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sweetdevillydia · 2 years

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No fucking way I wrote a giant post and my internet didn't work when I posted it and it was fucking lost

I'm so fucking angry rn I'm gonna cry

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sweetdevillydia · 2 years

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May 16th 2022 Dear Diary

Since the last time I wrote I finished Hamilton and watched Heathers, Six and Hairspray

Pretty fun stuff

Other than that nothing interesting has happened today

#dear diary #5-15 #just being a theater kid

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sweetdevillydia · 2 years

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Mee

#random

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sweetdevillydia · 2 years

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May 5th 2022 Dear Diary

So hm, yesterday I think, Dante finally removed me from the rpg group, and I couldn't be happier, now I won't have to participate in his boring rpg, and I'll have more time to do what's really important, like vocal training, dancing training, acting lessons, literally anything that isn't a rpg that harpyz live in deserts and wear ancient Greece clothing

He also removed himself from one of my friends *** group, which I couldn't care less about, because it's my least favorite group. Even though that *** group is mine, I wanna leave it

He still watches my status, which I think is pretty weird, but I won't block him cause I have nothing to hide.

Btw he's acting like that because we had a fight last monday (5-9), after he didn't go to school for weeks, and I was working alone in a project that we were supposed to do together, he was more fucking around than actually working, veeeery annoying, and so I started giving him shit for that since me asking wasn't working, and then he had the balls to stop working completely, started watching tik tok or some shit, of course, we fought again, because omggg what a annoying guy, then the teachers talked to us and he spend the rest of the class talking to one of them, at recess he had already told everyone how much of a bitch I am or something, idc tho, I never really liked him, he was never worth anything, he's the one who is missing stuff acting like this

We haven't talked since, which feels like a blessing frrr, guy was always sooo annoying and a hypocrite, put his trivial desires over my important stuff, wanted me to make rpg stuff while I was trying to talk to teachers about something important ughhhh

I feel like some of my friends, like Penny, are ignoring me, but idc, I'll still talk to them whenever I damn please, what they gon do? Not answer? Bleh, they still kinda answering, I'll make em talk to me more than they need, guess they're the kind of people that only understands someone's value once they're gone, that's gonna suck for em, cause when I "lose" a friend, I make 10 more, soooo, I won't be the one who is sad :)