Take Your Power Back

I watched the Social Dilemma on Netflix after a few people watched it and came to me and said, “what’s going to happen! What’s real..what about our kids?” These are serious concerns. The masters working at technology companies sure know how to prey on our weaknesses. But is this new? I do not think so. Yes, the techniques are more refined and specific these days. But guess what? You’re only addicted to your phone if you give it that power. You have the choice to look at it or not. It’s always up to the consumer isn’t it? I remember a good friend of mine from high school was from Colombia. The association with Colombia was cocaine especially in the 1990′s, and my peers were always quick to point that out to her. And one day, she responded so calmly, and coolly, “We  produce...but you consume.” It’s so true! It’s so simple, but that is it. The real question is, why are so many of us quick to give our power over to this addiction? The phone that is...not cocaine ;)  I think we are just that far out of alignment and away from ourselves that we crave the distraction. Let’s try to stop fearing ourselves. We are so quick as humans to reach for the external thing in moments of discomfort. We just keep feeding our own beasts when we do that, whether we are consuming news, social media or shopping. I think pretty much all of our problems stem from not loving ourselves enough. And when we as parents give our kids technology to use, we need to place boundaries and limits as we would with any indulgence. It’s completely our choice. We are not victims to technology. 

We are all consumers. I grew up in an era where quick and convenient food was being marketed since it was really the first time women were working out of the house to that degree. I recently had an ephinany that this need for quick and easy meals was leading to massive packaging and lower quality food. I have a vita mix and I only just started making hummus, apple sauce and soup for instance instead of buying it and making all of that trash and waste. I still have a long way to go to educate and empower myself as a consumer, but this is just the beginning of some change I know I need to make. So for me, I can spend an extra hour making quality food for my family a day instead of scrolling. And that feels good! 

Spirit Animals

Symbols and Comfort in Animal Form aka Spirit Animals

I believe in spirit animals. I know its so cliche of the woowoo energy worker to even mention this, but to me its so real.

When I was in San Diego, I was visited by snakes nonstop. I was a magnet for them. The first time I saw a rattle snake on the trail at Mission Gorge I was hiking alone. I hid from it! For 45 minutes!! Just willing it to move off the trail. Then it seemed like every single time I went to Mission Trails I would run into my friends, those rattlesnakes. I HAD to start noticing. I could not ignore how inevitable it was. After some time, the snakes were coming even when I was not at the trail. They would be in parking lots by the beach, or on the sidewalk at my apartment complex. I don’t think San Diego is that excessively snake-y.

I’m sure I was introduced to the concept of spirit animals at acupuncture school by someone. So I looked up snakes. They represent transitions. Why? And says who? Well, to understand spirit animals you need to just simply look at the traits the animal represents. Snakes shed skin...so they are constantly evolving and changing. At that time in my life, I was undergoing a massive internal identity shift, from NYC business woman hustler to a softer, receptive healer. Snakes are also mostly on the ground. They remind us that we are spiritual beings but incarnated on this earth in these bodies. Being that they are one big alimentary canal, its also the same concept....we are having an experience on Mother Earth. (Digestive organs are the Mother Earth of our bodies). So these days, when I see a snake, I thank it! It reminds me of that period in my life where they showed up to teach me about my own journey, and to show me the magic in the synchronicities and symbolism provided by the universe.

This last month I had two close encounters with bears. I’m in a new phase of life, so I needed a different reminder of the new energy I can play with. Bears represent boundaries...a mama bear with her cubs is the ultimate reminder of firm boundaries. Bears also have no predators, they are top of the food chain so its a reminder to be in my power. It’s been scary running into these animals but I’m also in love with the magical timing of these encounters.

The point is, to pay attention to the signs from the universe....they are out there as you walk your journey, encouraging you to keep going, or comforting you to say things are exactly as they should be. I know that my father-in-law who transitioned a few years ago visits us as a praying mantis. It’s so comforting knowing that! When I’m in a period of self doubt, a lady bug will land on my arm. When we can slow down and see the magic around us, life becomes a little bit more interesting!

Peeling layers of an onion

When I started acupuncture school, I kept hearing the phrase, “healing is like peeling an onion”. Of course we applied the phrase and philosophy to treating our patients but its really about our healing process. Patients are simply mirror images of us. The phrase means find out who you are. It means strip away society’s beliefs. And realize they may not be yours. It means knowing what your soul wants-versus what your parents want/wanted for you. Know who you are in the midst of being part of group consciousness. It means realizing different aspects of you might be different wounded child versions of you still reaching out for help. Each layer can be peeled away with the realization of “oh! That’s not mine”, or “that is not my higher self in this present moment”. At the core of this onion, you know what you value, what your soul desires and that you can create anything. There is one unified piece at the very center where duality no longer exists. The oneness that is you is in the center. It’s there now. Most people never give themselves permission to find out what the center of their onion is.  I was talking with my neighbor the other day, and he joined his father’s business eleven days after he turned 18. I couldn’t help but wonder, did he have dreams for himself? Did he ever let his mind wander to the infinite possibilities of what life could be? Or did he follow the course laid out for him by someone else, never realizing his soul may have a calling. And it might be different than his father’s. Let’s not waste this amazing opportunity of slowdown. Let yourself dream. Let yourself find out what you want. Even if you think its “unrealistic”, or can’t see the path from point A to point B. If you need help, ask me :)

Susie

Discomfort

We have all heard at some point or another that we create our own reality. It’s easy to repeat this mantra without deeply understanding it. I have just recently let this concept integrate into deeper layers of my understanding. My patients as an acupuncturist are the best teachers; and lately I have gotten so many patients with the same story, I couldn’t ignore the potent lesson in their suffering. The story goes like this-They experience heart palpitations and dizziness and are sure there is something physically wrong. Seriously wrong. They go to the ER. Tests show everything is physically normal. That is often the most distressing part. The realization that the problem is them. It can’t be fixed by a medical procedure or a pill (event though anxiety med’s are prescribed in these instances, but I am going to avoid a rant/rabbit hole here). The body is not separate from us anyway, its our vehicle and often the receptacle of all that we are unwilling to emotionally process or experience. This alone is not the crux of suffering for these patients yet. Once it becomes clear that they are uncomfortable with something going on in their lives, via the diagnosis of anxiety, there is a continual reaction to the discomfort. And the discomfort gets bigger and bigger. The key is to accept discomfort. Do not react so strongly or dramatically to discomfort. That is how we can take power back and be in the driver seat of our lives. I recently had a little test in this new realization, as of course the trusty universe will always provide. I am currently 25 weeks pregnant, and have been experiencing some extreme fatigue. Even getting the power cord from the other room to power up my computer to write this felt like climbing Mt. Everst. Observing myself react to the fatigue is so interesting. I decided it was my fault because I am an incredibly imbalanced workaholic, and so on…. That lead me down a spiral of guilt, blame and negativity. I would have saved myself a lot of energy, stress and space for other joys in life to just say I’m tired. Its nothing more and nothing less. Im just tired. So what. I’ll rest. Turns out I had a stomach bug I caught from my 2 year old anyway! And all that time spent ruminating and reacting. The key is to bring awareness to our reactions. Its never the external circumstances that are the issue-its our reaction to them. Discomfort is just discomfort. It does not mean its your new permanent way of being, and things will never get better. We can be so dramatic, us humans. Hopefully we can find enough awareness to laugh at humanness and love ourselves that much more for it.

Its Only Stuff

After living in Las Vegas for a year and a half, me and my family are having to move from the community we have grown to love. What’s been most jarring about the experience is that I thought that I actually found community-a real life community, something that does not really exist anymore in modern America, but my fantasy has been shattered. It’s still a place where people value “stuff” more than the souls that make a place. I do not mean to be critical of the place I’ve called home. I am simply trying to bring awareness to a topic that has been brought up for examination in my life. I am a renter. I find it very sad that in modern society people are more concerned that their property will get “damaged” by me and my family instead of seeing the value added by my family sharing space in the given community. We strive to make any place we are better, pick up trash, get to know neighbors, and share ourselves openly with others. Our beloved dogs are the same. They are such loving beings who connect with others and brighten peoples day. They have brought so much joy to so many people in that community its absolutely amazing. But ultimately people see these loving beings as a threat to their stuff. Their property. To me, a light scratch on the floor indicates a space has been graced by the presence of another soul. It has a history. Its been lived in. The space has been loved and used.The scratch adds to the story of the space, it does not have to be judged as good or bad. It just is a scratch. Those are the fears that isolate us. We place so much value on the material realm. I can think of so many times friends or family feel hesitant to have us visit with our dogs, and I’ve never understood the fear or concern. Some dog hair in your space? Versus open loving connection with loved ones that want to share warmth and connection with you. I fear we value stuff over connection. I want to be welcomed with open arms by like minded people no matter what beings I’m rolling with at the time. I think the reason I’m pursuing working with hospice patients is that I’m craving that higher perspective. I’m pretty sure people in hospice do not care if there is dog hair in their house. As my brother in law says, “the things that matter aren’t matter”. Have a blessed day and thank you for reading.

the illusion of our time

Seeing through the veil of illusion

Time and time again, I am reminded of the great illusion of our time. Most recently, the suicidal death of Anthony Bourdain illustrated the illusion; wealth, fame and luxurious items do not hold the keys to our internal freedom. I find myself pondering, what did he have to be so depressed about, but how many more examples do I need to really deeply understand this great truth? Even with this wisdom, I constantly feel the tug of these pursuits on my consciousness. Our society is structured since our birth in encouraging these pursuits at the expense of the true expression of our nature. I remember success being defined to me as “making more money than your parents”. I would like to encourage our future generations to grow up defining success as honoring their true gifts and nature, living passionately, living fully with passion. I am not saying that material wealth is evil and that only a vow of poverty and deprivation will free our souls. I am saying that honoring our true nature and our passions in life will lead us to the green pastures. When we listen to our inner voice we can align ourselves and attract what our soul truly desires. Others see this light, are drawn to it, and want to contribute to it. I recall a time after a three day workshop involving  a lot of mediation, going to a dog park at the end of the day. Every dog there wanted to come sit with me in the grass. I had 6 dogs surrounding me, just wanting to be near me in my alignment. I realized then, the power of being in alignment and the laws of attraction. It can be so hard moving gracefully through our self limiting beliefs. Every time I want to think bigger about my plans for the future I have to sit with the insecurities that bubble up. The how’s and what if’s. How will this work?, what if it doesn’t? What if I fail? What if I run out of money? Listening to the brain can be our biggest block. I know when I drop down into my heart and gut, listening to the passion and potential,  is how I prefer to guide my life. That is the first step in having the courage to pick the unsure path. Society has an unrelenting drive for heigh standards of living that cause us deep anxieties. If we can start honoring our own nature and gifts to the world we will see more balance in ourselves, how we relate to others, and how we relate to mother earth. It is all the same.

Mastering the Unknown

If there was one major theme of my last 6 years it would be mastering the unknown. When I decided to leave my secure, somewhat predictable existence in NYC and move to San Diego and begin a 4 year program to become an acupuncturist, I had my first real glimpse of the unknown. When I decided to move, I developed a serious infection of my cornea and spent my last few weeks in NYC suffering from photophobia and heading to the eye doctor every other day, putting steroid eye drops in my eye every hour for 3 weeks. I later learned in acupuncture school, that the eyes are related to the liver, and the liver governs our movement, sense of control, boundaries, and moving forward in life. Well there you have it. The fear of stepping into the unknown wasn't necessarily something I was willing to acknowledge in my consciousness so i stuffed those feelings into my body and developed a serious health problem. When faced with the unknown we all tend to do this. After this ah ha moment, I noticed how my body reacts when I am faced with the unknown; muscle tension, eczema, menstrual irregularities...just to name a few. But what I learned is this. Resisting the unknown instead of embracing it has caused me suffering. Nothing is known, that is just an illusion anyway. Even just yesterday as I contemplated how I am going to start my practice, teach two new college classes, while trying to find some me time in the mix, I thought to myself, well at least I have the childcare base covered. Then my nanny called and resigned an hour later. I smiled to myself. The higher consciousness part of my being was the one smiling. Because I know its all going to work out, and that its just another test in surrendering and not resisting and reacting. Another test to not let the external world block my internal flow. The scared denser human part of my felt the stress about thirty seconds after the call, and I allowed it to consume me. I’m a work in progress, and this is just an aspect of self awareness that I am working on. Once my internal flow is disrupted I am blocking my own light and magic. Breath. Ground. Allow. In this present moment I have everything I need.

My journey with birth control

My journey with birth control began when I was 16. I had irregular cycles as most young women do. I started my cycle later than most teenage girls, and only had about six months of experience with menstruating up until that first trip to the obgyn. Without hesitating the doctor suggested that the solution to an irregular cycle was birth control pills. In hindsight this was a ridiculous idea. Instead of letting my endocrine system figure out this new cycle of mine, designed to create life, and give it time to regulate, the doctor, western medicine and medical norms were to artificially regulate it. I was 16, and assumed doctors knew best. Fast forward 16 years later, I was still taking my birth control pills everyday! I did not think this was abnormal at all! Until I started my journey becoming a holistic medical practitioner. I quickly realized I never knew my feminine power! Feminine power is the power of creation. What is more divine about being a female than that ability to create life? I felt like I was robbed of the experience of knowing my body’s natural rhythm! I had no idea what my cycle would be like! There is so much important information to ascertain from knowing the nature of my menstrual cycle, and this was foreign to me! I was almost scared of it! Wondering, what will my body do if I spontaneously stop taking these pills? Will it just go haywire? Will I be so wrought with PMS I wont be able to function? I was scared of my own body! I finally stopped taking birth control pills, and decided to let my body tap into its feminine wisdom and start regulating. I was lucky enough to have access to acupuncture and herbal medicine to help me with the transition. Every month I got my cycle, and it felt like I was being smacked on the sacrum with a base ball bat. The pain was intense as my hormones started regulating and working. It reminded me of trying to start an old car up that had been sitting for years. After a few months everything was flowing as it should, and I felt amazing. It was like I unveiled my true power! I started tracking my cycle on an app to get a sense of ovulation to attempt avoiding pregnancy. It worked well for a few years!! I did have an unplanned pregnancy, however I think there is more to that spiritually than simply being sexually irresponsible but thats an entirely different blog post. My motivation for writing this comes from my recent experience opting to try an IUD out of fear of conceiving again. I sat in the doctors office with my gut screaming at me, “don’t put a piece of plastic in your most sacred area!”. I even told the doctor I was having second thoughts, and he said “we don't have to do this”. I paused for a minute and thought, “let me do the responsible thing”, and block the chance of getting pregnant again. I was told to expect some mild cramping and spotting. The IUD was a total nightmare. I was bleeding intense amounts, which is horrible for my body as I am breastfeeding. I was lightheaded and dizzy everyday. My abdomen cramped and my back ached. I had to call the doctor three times to get them to see me quickly to get it taken out. I saw a different doctor than the one that put it in and learned as a breastfeeding women I was 6 times more likely to have a perforated uterus with IUD placement. I was never informed of this. I had to get an ultrasound before getting it removed to make sure I didn't need surgery to get it out. I was able to have it removed the normal way. Ever since I have been bleeding even more than before. I read some threads online, and other women are experiencing this! I’m talking about disturbing amounts of bleeding. And nobody tells you this!! My point is this. Instead of telling women to block their fertility, and offer harmful devices and pills that screw with their entire endocrine systems, why are we not educating women to get to know their body? How to track ovulation accurately, and how to check cervical fluid? Its time for women to empower themselves, know their body’s and not just shut down the most empowering sacred part of their being. When I tracked my cycle previously it was not in detail, I didn't know all of the factors to look for. I am excited to empower myself and free my body and take charge of my fertility, and start trusting my gut more.

Acupuncture and Phish

I realized acknowledging a dream is the first step in creating it. Making it a reality. After a year of a reoccurring dream (while I slept at night), I decided to at least acknowledge it. Maybe it is a message from the universe. Or maybe its just a pipe dream. I never considered that it could be a reality. Until my big dreaming partner Stephen encouraged me. He does not see limits or boundaries like most of us. The dream that started a year ago, while sleeping in my Idaho bedroom in the middle of the woods, entails me touring with Phish as their acupuncturist. Sometimes the dream would occur consecutive nights. But it’s persisted for a year. The journey of this particular dream, as I see it, began in 1999, when I attended my first Phish concert in Hershey, Pennsylvania. I decided not to throw down the $40 for a ticket, but to just show up and cruise around. I took any opportunity to have an adventure with friends. When we got there, my world was blown open. I never experienced anything like it. Up until that point I was a sheltered suburban teenager with limited world views. At that first show, I saw hippies. Lots of them. They were on the road with Phish, and created ways to afford their tickets and transport by selling grilled cheese sandwiches they made with small grills, or selling ganja goo balls. I listened to the concert from the gate, and watched the fans twirl and dance. I did not realize at the time the impact this concert would have on my life. I must have subconsciously made a mental note that I don't have to live a conventional life. For the first time I saw that there are alternative lifestyles to the 9-5 culture of my suburban world. Fast forward to 2012. I had a full blown career in NYC as a medical device sales rep making tons of money. I knew in my gut that money was for something. After 8 years in the industry, two big job offers came to me the same week, for even more money than I was currently making. I knew it was time for me to change direction. My gut had been screaming at me for a year, that I needed to find something I was passionate about. I did not know what my next move would be, but those job offers made me feel sick inside. I knew I wanted my own business, and I knew I liked the medical field. I googled “dentistry school” and the first line in my google search was a link for Pacific College of Oriental Medicine. Five weeks later I was in San Diego starting classes. Being a student of PCOM was just as mind blowing as my first Phish show. People were focused on self care, and being happy. I was observing a new way of being. Only this time starting to live it. Somewhere along my journey of becoming a healer those next few years, my mentor said to me, “Susie, I want you to write a letter to someone you admire, and let them know you're a healer, and offer them a treatment, someone you think is so beyond your reach.” I haven’t done that. Yet. I did not know what that meant, or who to write to. It’s clear to me now. The pieces are fitting together, and no matter if that dream comes true or not, just acknowledging it makes me feel good. Surely every band needs healers around with that kind of schedule and work. I remember hearing Bob Weir traveled with a yoga instructor on tour. Picturing my future as an acupuncturist is hard because I love being a nomad. It’s so hard for me to commit to opening a practice any one place. I have always loved life on the road. It took a lot for me to admit my dream of being a band acupuncturist. My critical mind keeps telling me I’m childish to even say something like that, it’s way too out there. It’s like saying, “I want to be an astronaut and walk on the moon,” and actually believe it’s possible. By acknowledging my dream, and realizing what I want, and writing a letter, perhaps it will bring me one step closer to getting it.