Wtf is wrong with this world? Everyone wants to hurt each other more than they want to love one another…

Breakfast, lunch, and dinner for a mother fuckin champion. 🖕🏾💪🏾✊🏾

I’m getting closer to my happiness. It’s hard to believe it’s almost been 2 months since I’ve been here. Time is going pretty fast. Before I know it My year will be up. With that being said, it’s so easy being a ghost. No one to really worry about and no one to really worry about me. Especially the ones that know I’m a ghost. They know that I’m fine. I only have myself. Everyone else? Well they have someone. Ties off some sort. The only thing that I’m leaving behind are memories. Since all that is in the past, I wonder about my future. I’ll be happy seeing and experiencing new things. The only thing I really wonder is, will I continue being a memory wherever I go? Or will I find someone along the way that can create everlasting memories? So far, 29 years I’ve been creating temporary memories with everyone. Not that I don’t enjoy them. But they are just that. Temporary. Part of me believes that I would rather be alone. No one really catches my eye or raises interest for me. I mean, I don’t even want to fuck anymore. Someone told me not too long ago “you seem like your very much in love.” I will say that she will always hold the majority of my heart. She broke most of it. So it’s not that I’m still in love. I’m not. What I am is unavailable until someone can break the barrier that I’ve set up. I didn’t realize how strong it was. But it is. I don’t think I can hear someone tell me that they love me without me second guessing their motives. To be honest, I really don’t think that I have that sense of emotion anymore. Not that it can’t come back, but I don’t think it’ll come back for a while. Tell me how the woman of your dreams tells you that she didn’t feel like she deserved you. You are too perfect for her. That really fucks with your head. Anyone would be ecstatic to have something that’s hard to believe. They let too perfect slip right away. Which is why too perfect decided to disappear. This year is going to be an iconic year for my tumblr because once I’m gone, I’m gone and all that will be left are these words. I don’t want to come back and I’m going to use everything in my power to make sure that happens. Once I step on that plane and cross over the deep blue, my whole past will drown in that open blue. I will forget everything and start a new life. My life. Good luck to the ones that try to seek me out after. But I have gratitude for the select few. Could have had it all. But in the future I’ll have so much more. I’m not in love. I have immense hate for love and any emotional attachment towards anyone. They don’t care. Actions speak louder than words, but words hold power. It’s been pretty quiet in my life and I’ve always been told that I’ve been the strong one. Fuck an apology and fuck excuses. The real deal deserves the real deal. Period.

I hate you for what you’ve done to my mind, my dreams, my heart, and my soul…

I’ve started to wonder

If there’s something broken in me

Maybe I’m made to love

Not to be loved

Free

Hawaiian Sunset by Pretzel Logic

(by nomadict)

Ancient volcanic crater, South West Iceland

© Ilya Ivanov, July 2022 📷 Photo by: @ilyaivan0v — instagram

Last life. Then game over. The 31st is the last day. Take flight or stay grounded and disappear for good. The nightmares are real and I refuse to keep losing sleep on what’s not there. Nothing less. I know you’re watching. I can feel it. No more promises. No more compromises. No more excuses. No more convincing. Either in or out. Out? No more watching. No more dwelling. No more feelings. No more memories. You could be a nightmare or a dream turned to reality. If you’re out, then keep your word. Disappear. In? Come to me. All. Or. Nothing. Just like how I do. You decide. I don’t need to answer anymore questions.

I’m curious to know what type of power people actually have. How strong are we as individuals to do the things that we want to do? Is it mind over matter? More physical? Or more along the lines of “fuck it”? Whatever it is, it’s gotta be what keeps us going right? But what about what we need? Will we as individuals go to the ends of the earth for what we need? How many worlds have I destroyed within my own for what I thought I needed? How many worlds are left standing because of a specific need? Right now, I’m standing in this world. Almost desolate but still breathtaking. And what I know about this world, the one I needed; it’s going to reach its end until I go to the ends of the earth to find what I want. This world? It could be built back up. But not by me. Why? Because I’m the one who built it. Not the one that mistreated it. The earth? Well, it has so much to offer and it has been calling my name over the past 6 months. That sweet voice. It will have everything that I want yet it won’t fill the hole of what I need. So it sounds like it will be a constant chase. I guess that’s why it is “the ends of the earth”. But I’m used to the chase. Only this time I’ll be chasing myself. It would be nice to stop chasing something for a change. It would definitely be nice to stop chasing dreams too. I know that I’m a strong individual. Stronger than most. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But if Superman were to die, metropolis would turn into Gotham in an instant. I get what I want because I’m active about it. I get what I want because it only matters to myself what I care about. Not others. No one has a say in what I do or where I go. As long as I am happy, I know I’ve made it. I talk about memories and the past, but that’s not where I’m at. So where am I going? Forward. Fall behind and watch as I ascend or be right by my side. That’s what the strong ones with the will to do as they please should say. At least hope that’s what they say. I’ve given my life to people based off of what I needed. I’ve died plenty of times. Reborn with the knowledge of the past. I don’t care about old memories anymore. They take a toll on me. I’m looking to create new ones. Whether it be in this world or to the ends of the earth. Either way, I’m going to find things I never imagined. At what cost though? Which is worth more? Any question that I ask or that is asked of me, I should never have to answer. Only because my first answer has been the same to every question. Time flies. Sometimes too fast. That is the reason why I want to live life the way I deserve because I need to do everything I can to make sure that it’s the best life. There are a lot of people that share that same interest. Those are the ones that can ascend side by side with one another. For those that decide to fall behind and watch, do something about it and take flight. For those who think staying grounded sounds like a much better idea; well hats off to you. Enjoy the dark I guess. Light travels like time. And they both go pretty fast. Catch one, conserve the other.

“If you love her, let her go.” I understand this more than anything. Do you know what it’s like to love someone that you could never fully have no matter how committed you are? Putting years into what seamed more like an imaginary friend. Only to be left with constant memories. Songs that bring you back to what used to be but never was. Conversations that replay in your head over and over again constantly thinking about what should have been said rather than what was. These are the reasons why I should let her go. I can’t get back the time that I had invested in a lot of people. And most of that time is now made into these memories. It’s keeping me from putting in time for others. Although, that part I really don’t mind. I need to focus on myself anyway. Well, whatever focus I have left at least. Three things I’ve been told. “I will always love you.” “You are my weakness.” And “I kind of hope you’ll always come back.” Words burned into my memories. Like these words were supposed to mean anything though. Because when I said them, they weren’t enough. So what was enough to be exact? What is enough? It’s crazy because I have always been easy accessible. Yet a lot of people make it seem like I’m a whole world away. It’s about to be that way. I’ve gone days, months, years without thinking about others. But when they show back up it’s like a tsunami of memories and dreams that hit me for even longer. And to be honest, it’s not fair. I made the decision to love and to keep loving but they made the decision to cast me aside. I have to live with the loss that wasn’t even my decision. But sticking around was my decision. If you knew my whole story, you would understand why I am the way I am when it comes to my heart and unconditional love. I hold them both under a microscope. I know their purpose and how to use them. I can’t even say that I’m keeping them guarded anymore either. They are both up for grabs. But can they be caught? And if they are caught, can anyone keep up? Idk. I guess I’m just in my feels today. I did it to myself by starting my day off with John Mayer and ending it with usher. Maybe my day was supposed to go this way. Too many thoughts flooding my mind turning in dreams. So I guess I should let her go. That can only happen if she stays gone. Out of sight out of mind. That’s how I live my life. Here and now. The present within and around my being. Life.

Slow dancing in a burning room

Dreaming with a broken heart

I know my value and I hold nothing of it back. Wherever I go, I do the most. Whoever I’m with, I’ll do nothing less than the most. My value has been noticed in the past 3 weeks. First thing in the morning, I was offered a higher paying job. I could take it. But that means I would be permanent in this state. I would have bills again. And I would have to hold off my dream. The only plus side to this is higher pay. I’m not going to take it. But I will do my investigation. Something feels a little off. It’s not about the pros and cons. I just have to start asking all the right questions. The number one question being, what’s going to happen to the contractors between now and year 2? Will there be a second year? Will we be able to even finish the first? Is this contract written in stone under lock and key? I’m just ready to disappear and be happy. I can’t feel that way while I still live in the states. Plus, the Midwest definitely ain’t for me. Idk. I have a lot to consider. I feel like I should stay the course. And if I do take it, then I’m alone alone and stuck here. Idk… I hate making decisions on my own.