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simiamarinus · 2 months ago
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sauron teaching elves how to make ring
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simiamarinus · 2 months ago
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Boromir: *taking off boots after a long day questing* ahh
A hobbit: o_o
Boromir: yes?
Hobbits: o_o o_o
Boromir: can i… Help you?
Hobbits: o_o o_o o_o o_o
Boromir: …
Hobbits: o__o o__o o__o o__o
Boromir: please stop looking at my feet like that you are making me VERY uncomfortable
Hobbits: >_> <_< >_> <_<
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simiamarinus · 2 months ago
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Nine rings were made for men. Seven for the dwarves, three for the elves, and one for the big guy himself. One, three, seven, nine. There is but a set of five missing to complete the sequence of odd numbers. I propose that this missing set of rings of power was gifted to a mysterious someone by their true love, along with a partridge in a pear tree (among other things). In this essay I will-
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simiamarinus · 2 months ago
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Gandalf: Hmm, I think the Shire-folk need to be reintroduced to the outside world… Gradually, though, this isn’t the sort of thing you can do all at once. I’ll just bring one hobbit on an adventure again, to start with, just to plant a seed…
Bilbo Baggins, having gone on one (1) adventure: *acquires a mithril-coat, Gondolin-blade, and the One Ring; becomes an Elf-friend, close to the Elvenking and Elrond Halfelven; orders party favors from Dale and Erebor decades later; learns Quenya; goes to live at Rivendell; compiles a comprehensive history of the First Age in Westron from translated Elvish epics and primary-source accounts; becomes personal friends with the Heir of Isildur; eventually sails to Valinor*
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simiamarinus · 2 months ago
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games that i think would be great, but no one will ever make:
lord of the ring ‘farming’ sims
like, the ring has been destroyed, peace has been achieved
sadly, the whole war has left ithilien, the shire, moria, minas morgul, the mirkwood, osgiliath, and tons of other places all across middle earth a dreadful mess
which is the perfect setting for having a random unimportant character go ‘fuck it, now that all the big warriors and heroes have done their job, i’m gonna do mine and plant some fucking flowers here’
and like. rebuild all of the things, and repair stuff, and plant flowers, and just. make all those places the story shows only in ruins be proper, real communities again
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simiamarinus · 2 months ago
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Legolas sees Gimli’s tiddies for the first time at the counsel of Elrond and bursts into tears ‘cause he’s never wanted to be railed so bad in his life. 
Elrond misunderstands and is like tsk we must overcome our prejudices, Thranduilion 8-|
And then Legolas spends the entire quest like,
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simiamarinus · 2 months ago
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no one ever talks about gimli being not even slightly tempted by the ring. motherfucker had no hesitation just walked up with his axe and immediately tried to wreck it. obviously that didn’t work but like, the ring had zero visible effect on him. amazing… gold sickness in the line of durin WHOMST?? not in gimli son of gloin
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simiamarinus · 2 months ago
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Boromir: I can’t get over how wholesome hobbits are… they’re just such genuinely good and kind people? all of them? they’re so nice and sweet… I think we could all stand to be more like hobbits…
Aragorn, who has on no less than 3 occasions watched hobbits win bar fights in the Prancing Pony by biting their opponents’ balls:
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simiamarinus · 2 months ago
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we make fun of thorin getting lost in the shire but you know the nazgul also had to keep asking for directions to find bag end so maybe hobbits’ city planning is just wack
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simiamarinus · 2 months ago
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Do you ever lie awake wondering how the heck Gimli knows what a nervous system is
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simiamarinus · 2 months ago
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One of my favorite underrated lines in the trilogy is when Denethor asks Pippin: “How did you survive when my son did not, so mighty a man as he was?” and Pippin responds: “the mightiest man may be slain by one arrow.”
The thing that Pippin’s journey has taught him so far is that….people don’t die because they’re “weak,” or survive because they’re “strong.” Death is cruel and random. The strongest and most powerful people in the world, and people who truly deserve to live, can be killed by random chance. And someone like him, who isn’t strong or mighty or useful, can survive by random chance.
It’s like
Pippin: *laughing and joking about pipeweed and second breakfast*
Gandalf: (chuckling) So what have you learned from your journey so far?
Pippin: (smile vanishes) You can die without deserving to die— and you can live without deserving to live. Death doesn’t have to be fair.
Gandalf: O_O
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simiamarinus · 2 months ago
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Nobody has a more peak college experience than Gimli Gloinsson.
Like.
He goes on this great study abroad deal, his parents are proud, he’s already so cultured and has such a way with words-
And here their perfect son, with the golden tongue, and the classic dwarven beauty comes home with this skinny elven redneck on his arm and three hairs in a special locket on his jacket like “so I decided to major in Elven Studies and this is my boyfriend Greenleaf Greenleaf. We’re moving close to a forest so we can look at the stars together.” While Gloin sobs LADDIE NO and wonders where he went wrong.
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simiamarinus · 2 months ago
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While talking with the Hobbits, Tom Bombadil puts on the One Ring. For a moment, all of the Nazgul burst into merry song. It is never discussed among them again.
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simiamarinus · 2 months ago
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God talking about magic in Tolkien you know I thought I kinda had it settled in my head, I’d accepted it’s kind of rare and unknowable nature you know? But then I reread Concerning Hobbits and like…
There’s a sentence that basically says ‘Hobbits didn’t study magic because they just didn’t go in for that sort of thing’ which fucks me up royally because it gives us two pieces of information.
- Magic can be studied 
- Hobbits COULD have had magic but they didn’t want it
I’ve been assuming that Magic’s some inherent thing that requires a process of making and some element of mysticism and a little Valar influence thrown in but no! No apparently you can just read a book like… this isn’t HoME stuff this is Lord of the Rings secure 100% accepted canon material that we now have to just deal with! This means fucking Pippin could have been a Wizard if he’d studied hard enough! We have to process that! John! Did you ever think of that?! 
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simiamarinus · 2 months ago
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eowyns 'i am no man/you look upon a woman' moment is great iconic and all that, but how fucking funny would it have been if shed just killed wk without bothering to bring up the loophole she was about to exploit and just let him die all confused about wtf just happened
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simiamarinus · 2 months ago
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The funniest thing about LOTR is Aragorn constantly overstepping the Elves’ personal boundaries. They come from a race where touching your heart is one of the highest signs of affection and he’s over here pulling them into bear hugs and slapping shoulders like a brawny middle-aged dad
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simiamarinus · 2 months ago
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Bilbo was declared dead while he was away in the Hobbit (and had to do a bunch of paperwork to get declared alive again) but there’s no indication he was formally declared dead after leaving the Shire, even though most people assumed he had died.
Therefore I posit: having a missing person declared dead in the Shire requires the consent of their next of kin. Whoever Bilbo’s next of kin was at the time of the Hobbit (possibly Otho? I’m not sure) had him declared dead at the first opportunity but Frodo refused to ever do it.
Frodo had anxious hobbit bureaucrats knocking on his door every couple of years like ‘Mr Baggins… blease… it’s been 10 years… he was eleventy-one… can we fill out his death certificate yet’ and Frodo was like ‘absolutely not’.
Early on he genuinely couldn’t bring himself too but after a while it was more that he enjoyed irritating the local magistrate’s office than anything else.
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