sillyluchadoradventures
Silly Luchador Adventures
Where luchadores have silly made up adventures so Americans can remember who the heck is who
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One time Monster Clown found text dictation. It was not a good time for anyone.
One time Monster Clown found text dictation. It was not a good time for anyone.
*Read at 5x normal speed*
Group text to Los Psycho Circus: Pull off the road abuela who taught you to drive a blind person how can you still be alive I need to pass you on the left I cannot even oh hey guys I’m trying out this text dictation thing I think it will help me focus on my driving and help me be more efficient and all that but seriously we need to talk about He Whose Facepaint Must Not Be Marred people are starting to talk about him on the internet again and I’m looking at you Psycho have you been telling people about He Who Is Not Dave because I know Murder isn’t this crazy let’s be real it has to be you and we all know what happened last time I thought Tirantes was actually going to start spitting blood and it took us a month to even find Mini-Psycho let alone work through the mental trauma so guys we need to be on the same page about this no more discussing The One True Clown until the End Times have come we have talked about this—
Text from Psycho Clown: I didn’t get all that but are we talking about Dave now?
Text from Murder Clown: No! No one talks about The Fearsome One! Psycho how could you?
Text from Psycho Clown: But but sometimes I just get so bored. Pagano only wants to hang out with Pentagón Jr now and sin payaso no hay fiesta papa . . .
Text from Murder Clown: Psycho, please make more friends. Monster, never text us this way again. I hope you haven’t texted anyone else yet. Especially as you talked so fast the phone couldn’t pick up your punctuation
Text from Monster Clown: Murder what are you talking about of course I have texted other people and today even what are you saying that I am not a man of many friends and colleagues I speak to many during the day and at a perfectly normal pace what are you insinuating my punctuation is fine and I even modulate my tone of voice at perfectly reasonable moments
Text from Murder Clown: Technology has risen up against you
—————————————————--
Text to Pagano: Hey so I just got an email from on high and there’s some concern about dress code or something so they say we can’t stand next to each other at the meet and greet later today which I think is bullshit because we are the tallest dudes there if Murder doesn’t come and otherwise we’re going to be stuck in between Drago and TeenyVikingo and look like sunflowers in a patch of peas and it’s not like we dress that weirdly I mean I kinda like your salmon jacket I think its pretty snazzy where did you even get it I was thinking about incorporating salmon elements into my next clown outfit maybe a salmon tie or neck frill but hey I’ve got a call coming in so see you this afternoon—
Text from Pagano: Dibs on not standing next to TeenyVikingo
—————————————————--
Text to Aerostar: Hey little guy just checking in to see if they ok’d the final elements on the lucha de apuestas match next week and wanted to thank you for all the hard work and say that I really enjoyed working with you it was a stretch to fight someone of your high-flying talents and I’m glad for the opportunity to grow and also man it was hysterical when you convinced Drago he was going grey on the back of his head I mean he totally is but just the sheer panic on his face was worth the fifteen minutes it took to convince him he’s getting old and yeah he’s only like a year older than me but I have embraced the grey and it is time he does so as well even though he’s not really slowing down much it’s kind of amazing actually how does he still move that fast when he’s like pushing 50 but anyways just wanted to check in and say thanks and I’m looking forward to the culmination of our epic battles next week ok bye—
Text from Aerostar: Heyyy. Uh, glad to be working with you too, big guy. But I think you’ve got auto dictation on. Did you know you sent me all that?
Text from Aerostar: Also just a heads up Drago read the text over my shoulder and I totally played dumb so he took a big drink of that colored water shit and is heading for you so uh, if you don’t want to be misted I’d take cover.
Text from Aerostar: He may also have a bulldozer.
——————————————--
Text to Mama Monster Clown: Hola Mamá I’m just letting you know I’m out of the lucha I know I said I’d call but my carrier keeps dropping me so let’s hope the text works how is your knee did the surgery go well I hope that the recovery time is quick and also that your neighbors stop letting their dogs shit in your yard remind them your son is a chungus luchador and will fight them if need be love your son—
Text from Mama Monster Clown: Ah my son it has been so long since I have heard from you I was starting to think you had died during a show and they just cut it out or something but your father said I was being dramatic again but I told him no I know my boy and he’d never make his mother wait if he died he would come back and let me know but I suppose a text is good enough my knee is still healing but God be praised it will be better soon and don’t worry about the dogs your father took care of them with a shovel the neighborhood council is a bit upset with us now but that’s ok because we have two shovels and the arms to swing them!
Drago’s face when he saw the text message
#monster clown#murder clown#psycho clown#aerostar#drago#pagano#irresponsible texting#Lucha Libre AAA#Asistencia Asesoría y Administración#Silly luchador adventures#Still all made up guys
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Chessman receives answers he might rather not
Chessman: Hey, Averno?
Averno: what
Chessman: Have you noticed we’re kind of down an OGT member?
Averno: No
Chessman: Yeah. Yeah, we are. Where is Erick these days?
Averno: WHO
Chessman: Superfly. Come on there’s only like three of us in OGT’s you gotta keep track of more names than just mine.
Averno: Isn’t Rey Escorpion in the OGT’s
Chessman: Dude no he’s in Los Mercenarios keep up. Also that’s not even his real name c’mon you’re only proving my point.
Averno: Well sorry for breathing, Mother. Anyway I don’t know where Superfly is. Maybe he’s back in America, land of the free and the fat, to do more Lucha Underground.
Chessman: Still kinda bitter about that huh
Averno: I am not bitter Americans are obese the whole world knows it. Anyone who spends time there is afflicted with the fatass disease. Proof lies in—
Chessman: Don’t say Pen—
Averno: Pentagón Jr. Pentagón Jr, with his chubby little tummy.
Chessman: Look are you writing a children’s book about it or—
Averno: And YET even for all his floppy belly fat, he is beloved of all. Well, not for long. Not for long.
Chessman: . . . Christ. What did you do now
Averno: Nothing yet.
Chessman: . . . Is this going to be another dark Hell ritual, or . . .
Averno: You know me so well, Kevin! And because you’re keeping up so nicely, I’ll even throw you a bone. Well, not a literal bone, not yet. But by the end of the ritual, it should be clean enough to toss around a bit.
Chessman: Wait what
Averno: You asked me where Superfly was?
Chessman: Oh goddamnit Averno. Tell me he’s not in your basement.
Averno: *Smiles*
#Silly luchador adventures#aaa lucha#Asistencia Asesoría y Administración#More evil Averno#Averno#Chessman#Superfly#los ogts#KEVIN#Still all made up guys
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They tell tales of Texano Jr. and his legendary mouth
Taurus: So I’ll admit I had my reservations about Los Mercenarios, but I’m really enjoying my time in this stable
Rey Escorpion: Dude, good to hear!
Taurus: Yeah. I mean you’re kind of crazy and all about parties but the in ring charisma is pretty great
Escorpion: I think you mean the best but ok
Taurus: And Hiedra’s tits . . .
Escorpion: Say no more, man. They’re pretty fantastic, and distract the mightiest of men.
Taurus: Tell me about it. And Texano Jr is a great worker and pretty cool guy.
Escorpion: One of the best. He’s really well-rounded, it’s so great to work with such a solid gladiator style
Taurus: So then why . . .
Escorpion: Why what?
Taurus: What’s with all the stories they tell in the locker room, then?
Escorpion: I’m not sure what stories you mean?
Taurus: Well like, they say that he once put three tortas in his mouth at the same time
Escorpion: Ahhh, I remember it well. And they weren’t pansy tortas either, they were all at least four layers deep. Eggs and albacore at the same time. One had hot peppers. Man, the look on his face.
Taurus: Oh—actual tortas. Oh, I see. But he couldn’t possibly have swallowed a snake whole, though
Escorpion: He did indeed. We all about pissed our pants, but it went down no problem. Didn’t even have to call poison control!
Taurus: Wait like a garden snake or
Escorpion: Please, this is México. You know we don’t fuck about with our viboras.
Taurus: *Blinks* Ok, then what about the Pentagón Jr one
Escorpion: What Pentagón Jr one
Taurus: Well, they said that once he fit half of Pentagón Jr’s head inside his mouth, but then Pentagón woke up, fought free, and broke his arm.
Escorpion: I . . . hadn’t heard that one. Where did this happen?
Taurus: The set of Lucha Underground
Escorpion: Ahh, the set of Lucha Underground was a magical place. I would assume it is truth, then. The mouth of Texano Jr. is mighty indeed.
Taurus: I just—wait what you believe THAT one? C’mon that one was like, the least believable thing ever
Escorpion: Well who told you this tale
Taurus: Konnan . . .
Escorpion: And why would he lie to you?
Taurus: He moves in mysterious ways?
Escorpion: Hazes in mysterious ways, you mean. Look I can settle this. *Spots Texano Jr* Hey! Texy! We’ve got a question for ya
Texano Jr: Ok don’t call me Texy but what
Escorpion: How did Pentagón Jr.’s mask taste that one time you tried to eat his head on Lucha Underground
Texano Jr.: Ugh it was awful. Would not recommend. Do not know what I was thinking, trying to fit it all in there. Think it was a dare? Probably Jack Evans. Ugh. Weird times.
Taurus: You don’t really remember why you decided to eat Pentagón’s head?
Texano Jr.: Idk? I was probably pissed at him at the time.
Escorpion: Ok, but tell us true. If he hadn’t woke up and rained slaughter down upon the room . . . do you think you could have put the whole thing in your mouth?
Taurus: *Shifts uncomfortably* Look you finally convinced me these weren’t ill-crafted homosexual euphemisms and now I’m starting to get unconvinced could we please stopppp
Escorpion: SHHHH. Texy?
Texano Jr: *Gives it serious thought* If he’s trimmed the bush recently, I’m pretty sure I could.
Taurus: ARGHHHH GUYS NOOO
Escorpion: I could get some scissors. We could prove this theory right now.
Taurus: BLEARGHHHHH
#Silly luchador adventures#Lucha Libre AAA#Asistencia Asesoría y Administración#Taurus AAA#Rey Escorpión#texano jr#Lucha Underground adjacent#Still all made up guys
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Only the bravest discuss what Big Mami does for a living
Dinastía: Hey bro, how’s it hanging?
Niño Hamburguesa: *Morosely* Oh. Hey, Dina’.
Dinastía: Aw man why the long face?
Niño: *Sighs mightily* You ever wonder if you’re doing the right thing with your life?
Dinastía: *Draws self up to full, indignant height* Of course not! Lucha is life! Lucha is everything! LUCHA IS ALL
Niño: No no I totally get that. Lucha is it for me too, man. But I mean. Within the lucha. You know, the belts and the plotlines and the ever shifting partnerships . . .
Dinastía: *Whispers* Is this about Big Mami
Niño: *Whispers back* It’s not NOT about Big Mami
Dinastía: Oh bro you knew what you were getting into when they signed you on to be her tag team partner! Didn’t you? Didn’t someone warn you?
Niño: Well they told me about the perfectionism and her incredible agility despite her size and her in ring charisma and I liked her intro song so I thought yeah this is a great fit I could totally make this work. Also she’s like 6 years older than me and I like being told what to do so
Dinastía: . . . you do?
Niño: Look I am sensitive and hella type B
Dinastía: That’s fine dude but when did you learn the other part
Niño: What other part
Dinastía: The mafia boss part
Niño: WHAT
Dinastía: Wait if not that why are you so upset?
Niño: Oh I just got some negative fan feedback about playing with Big Mami’s heart what are you talking about MAFIA BOSSES
Dinastía: Dude keep it down! We’re not supposed to talk about it! The only reason I’m saying anything at all is ‘cuz we’re bros!
Niño: *Whispers very loudly* WHAT DID YOU MEAN ABOUT MAFIA BOSSES
Dinastía: Shit man I figured someone would have told you already. But we all know. She totally runs a not-insubstantial arm of the Italian Mafia
Niño: What? I just - what? Wait, Italian mafia? How the hell did that even happen
Dinastía: No one knows for sure. Legends tell of a warrior queen who will one day rise up and rule all. Somehow they are convinced it shall be Big Mami. We mostly try not to think about it.
Niño: *Mind is boggled*
Dinastía: Sleep on it, man. It’ll just be another part of life soon enough.
Niño: But but but what but how but why is she doing lucha then?
Dinastía: Adulation of the masses? Workout regimen? Idk man I just go out there and destroy all social conceptions of little people not being amazing athletes and/or pretend I’m Gohan from Dragon Ball Z. I don’t worry so much about everyone else’s motivations.
Niño: *Stares at him in blank amazement*
Dinastía: Telling you all that didn’t help at all did it
Niño: Well. I mean now I’m really gonna’ do whatever she tells me, so—
#Silly luchador adventures#Lucha Libre AAA#Asistencia Asesoría y Administración#dinastia#big mami#nino hamburguesa#The Fake Mafia Arc Begins#Still all made up guys
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Konnan and his grumpy cat face have a hard time, sometimes.
Konnan: *Walking down street, humming a jaunty tune* Doo doo. Do do da deee. De dahhhh doo do doooooo—
Faby Apache: *Bursts out of nowhere, looking concerned* Oh, Carlitos. Chin up! It will all be ok! *Hugs him*
Konnan: I—thank you?
Faby: Remember that we’re all here for you. You’re not alone.
Konnan: I—what? Wait, what?
Faby: *Phone starts ringing* Oh, I have to take this. It’s the Overlord. But I believe in you, sweetie! *Runs off*
Konnan: What the fucking fuck is going on
—————--7 hours later——————-
Konnan: *Backstage at arena, waiting for show* *Rapping quietly to himself* An’ I’m sayin’ to m’self sometimes life is mighty fine—
Fénix: *Bursts in, throws himself into Konnan’s arms*
Konnan: WHAT *Fights him off* WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Fénix: But but but Drago said you were SAD and that you needed hugs and might even cry and I need hugs when I cry so so so—
Konnan: *Massages temples* Oh god. Just—go. Go find your brother. Give him your love and tell Drago to stop taking drugs or whatever he is on.
Fénix: Ok, but what should I tell the others?
Konnan: What others?
*Door bursts open and El Elegido walks through, shirtless, pants undone*
El Elegido: Do not fear! For I shall soothe you through the power of provocative dance! *Wiggles out of denims*
El Elegido: *Dances provocatively in the ancient art of the striptease*
Fénix: *High pitched screaming*
Konnan: *Cracks neck* Welp gonna’ have to kill a man now.
*Mocho Cota Jr sticks his head in* Hey, ten minutes until show— *Sees a mostly naked Elegido* YOU.
Elegido: *Wiggles his bottom*
Mocha Cota: *Yells down hallway* BOYSSSSSSS GET HIM
*Elegido runs out of the room and off down the hallway, Poder del Norte in pursuit. Fénix, after looking at Konnan’s scowl, inches out of the room*
Konnan: *Calls Vampiro* IAN
Vampiro: WHO
Konnan: Don’t pull that shit with me bro I know your ways
Vampiro: Oh shit, sorry. Thought you were my mom.
Konnan: *Squints angrily at phone*
Vampiro: Ok so anyways I think we’re friends at the moment, right?
Konnan: Bro we’re always friends we buried the hatchet years ago you have to stop forgetting this.
Vampiro: We buried hatchets?
Konnan: Well actually we sort of set each other on fire but same thing
Vampiro: I mean if you say so? But Electroshock said you were having a bad day—
Konnan: I’M NOT HAVING A BAD DAY
Vampiro: —and I just wanted to make sure my bro was doing ok.
Konnan: FACETIME ME IMMEDIATELY
Vampiro: *Facetimes him*
Konnan: WHAT IS GOING ON IAN
Vampiro: Ah bro I don’t know. Everyone was saying you had a face like a slapped ass and so we all assumed the worst. But this is just your grumpy cat face. There is no crisis here.
Konnan: I don’t think I want to be best friends with you anymore.
Vampiro: Well tell that to our hatchets
#Grumpy Konnan#konnan#vampiro#faby apache#poder del norte#Lucha Libre AAA#Silly luchador adventures#El Elegido#Fenix#Besties or nemeses they do not know#Still all made up guys
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Rey Escorpión totally has his priorities together, ok
Rey Escorpion’s Totally Awesome List of Things To Do Every Day
Arise every morning refreshed, rested, and ready to party.
Painstakingly curl and crimp each lock of hair. It is not easy being fabulous but someone must do it.
Kill a chicken for breakfast (do not use los mercenarios weapons or La Hiedra gets pouty)
Leave remains of chicken carcass on Tito Santana’s doorstep because fuck Poder Del Norte and fuck his chubby baby face and fuck his oddly charming yet mocking dance moves and—
Check facebook for party invites
Answer emails from adoring public and/or Averno because one can never forget what happened the one time Averno was ignored
Ignore any emails/texts/facebook friend requests from Superfly because fuck him too
Practice fusion dance with Texano Jr
Work out at gym
Practice hair tying/braiding/curling techniques
Bake a wholesome loaf of bread from yeast cultivated in kitchen. Inhale deeply, savouring the rich patina of scents hanging in the air. Devour in seconds.
Check for more parties
Attend the parties
Yes, all of them
Be Rey Motherfucking Escorpión
#rey escorpión#Lucha Libre AAA#Asistencia Asesoría y Administración#Lucha Libre#Silly luchador adventures#Still all made up guys
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Puma King should not be allowed on dating sites, anymore.
Lady Maravilla: *Huge gasp* Guys. Guys.
Lady Shani: *Ignores her*
La Hiedra: *Continues texting on her phone*
Lady Maravilla: GUYS
Keyra: *Pulls out earbuds* What
Maravilla: LOOK AT THIS
All: *Begrudgingly look at Maravilla’s cell phone*
Shani: Ohhhhhhhh shit
Hiedra: No way. That can’t be real. It’s gotta’ be a joke.
Keyra: Click on it click on it click on it—
Maravilla: *Clicks on it*
*Picture of Puma King pops up*
Dating site member profile: ‘Pussy King’ has liked you! Would you like to send him a message?
Shani: Who the hell let Puma King make a dating profile?
Hiedra: Who the hell let Puma King out of his litter box?
Keyra: Who the hell thought Pussy King was a good idea?
Maravilla: Oh God. The profile.
Pussy King’s profile: Hello, ladies. They call me ‘The Coolest Cat’ ‘cuz I’m an athletic, bendy tomcat who loves sitting in your lap and purring if you rub me just the right way. Am not adverse to tongue baths, and will go nuts if you nip me. Enjoy long walks around the block and playing with feathers, if you know what I mean ;)
Shani: *Gags*
Keyra: Sweet flipping unicorns I’m shanking him the next time we’re in the ring.
Hiedra: Wanna’ borrow a los mercenarios blade? Texano’s always got extras.
Keyra: I was thinking I’d just pack a bowie knife, but tiny wrestler blades work too—
Maravilla: Wait wait there’s more—
Pussy King is looking for: a sweet and sexy pussy cat with aspirations to become queen of the jungle. Come for a walk on the wild side—I’ll make you yowl in the moonlight!
Keyra: *Laughs hysterically*
Hiedra: So, Shani, does Bengala-That-Was say this kind of stuff to you? Gets all into character in the bedroom? Or is it just PK?
Shani: No one in the entirety of existence has ever said that except for Puma King. And I really, really wish he hadn’t said it in the first place.
Hiedra: Can’t help but notice you didn’t exactly answer the whole question, Shani.
Shani: WE HAVE NORMAL SEX, HIEDRA.
Hiedra: Ok but we’re all luchadores here do we even know what normal is
Keyra: *Continues laughing. Begins having breathing issues.*
Shani: But wait wait wait ‘Villa. Puma King liked you on the dating site? Did you use a picture of your actual face? He knows you, so he’s gotta’ know we’ll all make fun of him, now.
Maravilla: Oh, no, I didn’t use a picture of me.
Hiedra: Who did you use?
Maravilla: *Looks uncomfortable*
Keyra: WHO WHO WHO
Maravilla: . . . Marisela Peña.
#Ok guys Puma King might not be my favorite either#Lady Maravilla#Lady Shani#Hiedra#Keyra#Puma King#M. Peña#AAA#lucha libre#Asistencia Asesoría y Administración#silly adventures#Still all made up guys#that dog tho
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Averno has a hard time with some luchadores in particular
Averno: Do you know who I hate the most, Kevin?
Chessman: *Sighs* Is it Pentagón Jr?
Averno: PENTAGÓN JR
Chessman: *Begins scanning for escape routes*
Averno: WHAT IS THE FASCINATION WITH HIS FINGERS? THEY ARE LONG AND FLOPPY LOOKING AND THE MIDDLE TWO DON’T CONNECT WHAT IS THAT IT IS WEIRD.
Chessman: It has nothing to do with his octopus fingers, it’s his in-ring charisma, Averno.
Averno: I HAVE IN-RING CHARISMA TOO, KEVIN
Chessman: His mask is pretty cool, too. And he has a catchphrase that even Americans can remember.
Averno: Well I have a long and fulfilling career in AAA, TNA, CMLL, the Indies . . .
Chessman: Look it’s hard to argue with Cero Miedo. And, you know. Lucha Underground. Impact Wrestling. MLW. AAA and AEW at the same time. Ok really everything but WWE let’s be real
Averno: Stop selling him to the masses, Kevin!
Chessman: You know, no one else calls me Kevin. Just my mother. When I’m in trouble.
Averno: WHY DO YOU THINK I DO IT, KEVIN
#Averno#chessman#KEVIN#Pentagón Jr#Lucha Libre AAA#Asistencia Asesoría y Administración#Silly luchador adventures#Still all made up guys
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Meeting #412 of the Super Secret Lucha Council
Mysterious Masked Leader (wearing Sith Lord Mask and cape ensemble): *Bangs gavel* Order. Order! I will have order!
All except for Monster Clown: Sorry, Gracious and Benevolent Secret Overlord.
Monster Clown: *Audibly snoring*
Secret Overlord: That is better. Now that we are all assembled—
Faby Apache: Uh, I think we’re missing a couple luchadores.
Overlord: Oh yeahhhh. Where’s Drago? He never misses meetings. Total brown noser.
El Hijo del Tirantes: In the States, last minute addition to an Impact show.
Overlord: Cuervo?
Tirantes: Oh, he’s on the floor. Faby’s doing his hair.
Dark Cuervo: *Raises a hand and waves. It’s all that can be seen of him, as Faby is braiding the hell out of his hair*
*Chessman bustles in*: Sorry I’m late, guys—I had to shake Averno. Took longer this time. He’s getting suspicious.
Blue Demon Jr: You mean clingy?
Chessman: I mean it’s your word choice
Overlord: Vampiro, where is Konnan?
Vampiro: DON’T ASK ME ABOUT KONNAN
Overlord: I’m only asking because you two cut a promo the other day about being best friends for life, so
Konnan: THAT WAS ALL A LIE, APPARENTLY
*Tirantes bangs his head against the table. Faby pats his back, continuing to one-handedly braid Cuervo’s hair*
Overlord: Well I can see that Monster Clown is sleeping through yet another meeting. No, no one wake him. It’s an improvement. More importantly, where is Dr. Wagner Jr?
*Uneasy silence from the table*
Overlord: I am WAITING
Chessman: *Cautiously* Well, Secret Overlord, Juan is—
BD Jr: He’s getting laid
Tirantes: *Muffled groan from the tabletop* Now you’ve done it
Monster Clown: *Snuffling sleepy noise, continues napping*
Overlord: WHAT
BD Jr: Look man I’m telling it how he is he’s out with his trophy whatever and getting some.
Vampiro: Wait Juan has a girlfriend
Faby: I’m not sure girlfriend is the right word choice
Chessman: Yeah. We’ve all seen the pictures. I don’t think they’re working out during those selfies.
Overlord: You mean to tell me all that Wagner is working out his tiny Juan rather than attend the all important Super Secret Lucha Council Meeting #412
BD Jr: Well he’s not here is he?
Overlord: *Heavy breathing from behind mask* Ok you know what? He’s out of the club. Like Averno. And Electroshock.
Chessman: Uh, Averno was never in the club.
Faby: And Electroshock is still in the club. He skyped in and everything, but his computer mic is broken. *Points to computer screen where Electroshock waves madly*
*Tirantes and Chessman wave back*
Monster Clown: *Snores himself awake* Mrmmmphh—oh shit did the meeting start already
Secret Overlord: FINE. Just Wagner is out of the club. What an asshole. Meeting dismissed! *Bangs gavel*
*All file out, muttering to themselves, except for Faby and, after she catches his arm, Vampiro*
Secret Overlord: *Waits for the door to close* Fabiola, Ian, as the only two of the council who know my true identity—
Vampiro: Wait what? We do?
Faby: Yes, Ian. We’ve always known his identity.
Vampiro: This isn’t that Aerowhatsit shit again is it
Faby: NO he is not Aerostar the height alone should tip you off on that
Vampiro: um stilts
Secret Overlord: Wait, what about Aerostar?
Vampiro: They keep making up this luchador—
Faby: WHAT WAS IT YOU NEEDED TO TELL US, SECRET OVERLORD?
Secret Overlord: Well, as I was saying—oh you know what, the others are gone let me take off this mask it’s cramping my style. *Takes off mask. Shakes long hair around dramatically.*
Pimpinela Escarlata: There, that’s much better.
Vampiro: *Gasps*
#Super Secret Lucha Council#monster clown#Faby Apache#Hijo del Tirantes#Dark Cuervo#Chessman#Blue Demon Jr#Vampiro#Dr. Wagner Jr#Electroshock#Silly luchador adventures#Lucha Libre AAA#Still all made up guys
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Everyone fears Dave the Clown. But Dave the Clown does not exist.
They speak of him in whispers, or not at all
----------------------------------------------------
El Hijo del Vikingo: Hi guys! I’m new! I love lucha sooooooo much :) Anything I should know though, before I give my life and health and body to this flashy and injury-prone pursuit?
Rey Escorpion: Nah
Bengala: Nope
Taya Valkyrie: Welcome to the club lil’ brahhh
Dinastía: Yeah you’ll be fine
Averno: Who the hell are you
Puma King: As long as you don’t flirt with my tinder prospects we should be good
Faby Apache: Wait, should we warn him about Da—
All but Vikingo: *Huge gasp* NO
Myzteziz Jr: Faby how could you
Faby: If he’s gonna stick around I just think—
Chessman: STOP THINKING
Vikingo: Um who’s Day?
*The lights flicker. Ghostly hell-sounds are heard in the hallway*
Escorpion: Now you’ve done it
Taya: Should we send for one of the clowns? They are his people.
Chessman: No! We must send for the Overlord. Only he can stand against The One True Clown. Faby, send for Tirantes! He will know where The Overlord resides
Puma King: So should the rest of us just wait here or
Myzteziz Jr: RUNNNN
*All by Vikingo, Australian Suicide, and Averno stampede out of the room*
Australian Suicide: Ok actually I’ll be real I don’t know who we’re talking about either.
Vikingo: *To himself* Is it too late to take up hairdressing
Averno: *Clicks remote control. Ghostly sounds and flickering stop* You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to do that
———————
-Los Psycho Circus are rumored to have done a show with him, but they do not speak of it-
Psycho Clown: Guys remember that time when Da—
Murder Clown: *Shrieks like a girl*
Monster Clown: *Cradles Murder protectively* PSYCHO HOW COULD YOU
Psycho: But it was just the vending machi—
Murder: *Breaks down into sobs*
Monster: YOU KNOW HOW IT HAUNTS HIM STILL
*Murder hustles Monster off*
Psycho: Jeez they laughed so hard when Daga fought the vending machine and lost wth guys
————————
-Even Vampiro makes no headway into this great mystery-
Vampiro: Ok so, I’m the AAA Personnel Director, right?
Konnan: Among other things, yeah
Vampiro: Right. So. Every couple weeks we send this paycheck to a luchador and I can’t figure out why. Or even who he is. Or where he lives. It’s all kinda hinky.
Konnan: Hinky?
Vampiro: Look it’s Canadian let it go
Konnan: Ok well let me see who it is
Vampiro: *Shows him the paper*
Konnan: *Blanches and crosses himself*
Vampiro: I didn’t know you went to church
Konnan: My friend, we must never speak of this again. Purge this from your mind. Forget all about this particular luchador.
Vampiro: I mean I’m already halfway there but can I ask why?
Konnan: We do not speak of it. Him. IT.
Vampiro: Dave the Clown doesn’t seem like such a frightening concept to me
Konnan: *Moans dramatically in fear* We do not say his NAME
Vampiro: But WHY
Konnan: *Dramatically* Because The One Clown To Rule Them All does not EXIST
Vampiro: Man and they say that I’m the crazy one
#Dave the Clown is not my favorite ok#Dave the Clown#Konnan#Vampiro#Los Psycho Circus#Monsther Clown#murder clown#Psycho Clown#averno#Australian Suicide#Hijo del Vikingo#Assorted Others#Lucha Libre AAA#Lucha Libre#Still all made up guys#Silly luchador adventures
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Drago is a questionable amount of fun at Lucha Underground reunions
Aerostar: Hey man, good to see you! How’ve ya been?
Drago: *Crouches down. Opens mouth, and long black tongue unfurls. Shakes his head a bit.*
Aerostar: Jesus, Víctor! You know we’re not filming today!
Drago: *Tongue continues to loll* So?
Aerostar: Do you bring that thing with you everywhere?
Drago: I am a dragon. This is my tongue. Don’t ask stupid questions.
Aerostar: Argh. This is one of those days, huh?
Drago: I have lived for 10,000 years in dragon years. There are many days from which to choose.
Aerostar: *Starts texting Kobra Moon* *Remembers he hates her* *Puts down phone* Flipping Nora. C’mon, buddy. Let’s go see if Fénix is here. He’s always down for the weird shit.
Drago: *Perks up* Will he fight me? I shall fight him. I shall fight ALL THE THINGS. At once.
Texano Jr: *Pops up* *Removes rope from mouth* What about Hernandez?
Drago: Hand me your belt.
#Drago#Aerostar#Texano Jr#Lucha Underground#Lucha Libre AAA#Asistencia Asesoría y Administración#Silly luchador adventures#Still all made up guys
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Another time, the luchadores made a workout club. It was a terrible idea.
Chessman says WHAT
-------------------------------
Chessman: This is a terrible idea.
Maximo Sexy: What? No, it’s great. Some of us are getting kinda chub, we need the skinny ones to kick us into gear.
Chessman: I’m saying it now. There will be no survivors.
———-30 minutes later———-
Chessman: I TOLD you this was a terrible idea!
Maximo: Look, this isn’t unsalvageable.
Chessman: Unsalvageable? Unsalvage— Look. Look at Pentagón Jr. All he’s doing is flexing his tats and sucking in his gut every time a hot girl walks by. His wife’s going to kill him. She’s going to kill us.
Maximo: You’d do the same, don’t lie.
Chessman: Fénix and Aerostar are currently climbing the equipment like it’s some kind of jungle gym. They’ve jumped off twice. One time on Dinastía.
Maximo: Ahh he’s tougher than he looks. He’ll be fine.
Chessman: Drago is currently challenging the treadmill to a running competition.
Maximo: . . . Is he winning?
Chessman: . . . Maybe?
Maximo: Go little dragon friend, go!
Chessman: And don’t get me start on Av—Averno! No! Bad Averno! Stop trying to channel hell demons after the personal trainer!
Maximo: Oh I got this. Dinastía! Vegeta’s going super saiyan on the employee!
Dinastía: *Hair stands on end* KAAAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEEEEEE—
Chessman: Oh shi—
Dinastía: HAAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEE—
Psycho Clown: HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! *Rips off shirt and goes into psycho crazy frenzy*
Maximo: Ah. Forgot we brought my baby bro. Whoops.
Psycho Clown: *Chases after Pagano, who had heretofore been the only productive member of the Workout Club.*
Pagano: Wait what? Stop it, dude. We gotta pump iron not do the doofy dance!
Psycho Clown: DANCE WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Chessman: This is why the girls never work out with us.
Maximo: This is why I taped the whole thing.
#Chessman#Kevin#maximo sexy#Fénix#pentagón jr#aerostar#dinastía#Drago#Averno#Psycho Clown#Pagano#Silly luchador adventures#Lucha Libre AAA#Still all made up guys
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Occasionally, el Hijo del Phantasma comes back to visit
Aerostar: Oh shit, it’s Cuerno.
Fénix: YAYYYYYYYYYY
Pentagon Jr: Oh hell no. The last time you two talked he almost convinced you to go to WWE. We are OUT. *Throws Fénix over shoulder, exits stage left*
Fénix: *Wails as he’s taken away* But his hair is so wonderful I just want to look at it—
Texano Jr: *Removes bull rope from mouth* It’s too late for us, isn’t it.
Drago: It was always too late for us.
Hijo del Fantasma: Oh hello, past-comrades. How are things back in the motherland?
Texano Jr: *Shrugs*
Drago: *Dragon-growls*
Aerostar: Fine. *Discreetly texts Monster Clown.* Fantasma’s here. Send help.
Text from Monster Clown: I can send Psycho?
Text from Aerostar: NOT HELPING.
Fantasma: *Sashays around* Well! I see you are all getting older and uglier in my absence. Drago, your lipstick is smudged. Texano, you’re getting bulky again. And where is Aerostar? Oh, you’re all the way down there. Almost didn’t see you. Because you are tiny.
Texano Jr: I will lasso you.
Drago: *Sticks out gross black dragon tongue thing* I will lick you.
Aerostar: Guys, guys. Let’s just all be chill. *Texts someone more helpful than Monster Clown.*
Fantasma: *Ignores this* But where is Fénix? My bald, beloved friend? I feel the urge to throw him bodily into a ladder again. And speak in English while doing so. Perhaps this will convince him to follow me in WWE.
Willie Mack: *Emerges from the shadows* Oh, we speaking in English now?
Fantasma: *Gasps* You.
Willie Mack: *Commences the macarena* ‘Cuz you know, we really should be speaking Russian, if Putin’s your boy toy.
Fantasma: How very dare you.
Willie Mack: *Pops the crazy eyes.* I’m the Mack. Back. It. Up.
#Aerostar#el Hijo del Phantasma#King Cuerno#Fénix#Pentagon Jr#Drago#Texano Jr#Willie Mack#Monster Clown#Silly luchador adventures#Lucha Libre AAA#Lucha Underground#Still all made up guys
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Pentagon Jr. occasionally regrets the blood pact he made with his mother to protect his brother(s)
Fénix: *Texts furiously* Penta penta pentaaaaaaaaa
Fénix: *In egregious English* Hey look at this baller article I found. Pretty dope, right?
Pentagon Jr: *Blinks at phone. Pecks out response slowly, using one finger at a time.* Puta freaking madre, Fénix, stop texting me in English! I don’t speak that language for a reason—
Fénix: Oh, to make your life as a professional luchador, who first found true fame and worldwide acclaim in a predominantly English-speaking country even harder?
Penta: . . . Ok look what do you want. Am I late for a show or something? Oh wait. That’s what you do.
Fénix: Oh jajajaja. You are just so funny. Maybe all the clowns you hang out with are rubbing off on you.
Penta: Yeah, none of Los Psycho Circus are at all funny. Neither is Pagano, really.
Fénix: Then why do you hang out with him all the time, then? Is he your best friend now? WHAT ABOUT ME I AM YOUR LITTLE BROTHER DON’T YOU LOVE ME BEST
Penta: Look you have your friends and I have mine—
Fénix: BUT YOU ARE MY BIG BROTHER AND I LOVE YOU BEST
Penta: Yeah ok yeah but sometimes you just wanna hang out with Drago without me, yeah?
Fénix: BUT HE LIKES AEROSTAR BETTER THAN ME
Penta: Well then hang out with both of them at the same time!
Fénix: BUT THEY BOTH LIKE EACH OTHER BETTER THAN ME
Penta: Christ. Ok then who is your best friend besides—
Fénix: YOU
Penta: BESIDES ME
Fénix: . . . . . . . . . . . . .We have another brother, right?
Penta: Yeah I think so but let’s think outside the family.
Fénix: Oh!!! Does Rey Mysterio count?!!!
Penta: No. He already has his own children stop trying to get sideways adopted
Fénix: Ugh, fine. Ok . . . I like the Jackson guy. You know, the one in the Young Bucks.
Penta: Ok, good. Which one, Matt or Nick?
Fénix: I dunno. They kind of just look the same to me. Especially when we are fighting them.
Penta: *Rubs temple with the entire palm of his hand. It doesn’t work* . . . Look, just get fired up and lift some weights for a bit, ok? Six of my daughters have a school concert and I have to figure out which one is doing what before my wife gets home and quizzes me on this shit.
Fénix: Well I can lift weights but I can’t get fired up. My wife taped over all the electrical sockets.
Penta: FÉNIX STOP STICKING YOUR FINGERS INTO ELECTRICAL SOCKETS
Fénix: I can’t help it! It’s that or drugs!!!!
Penta: I can’t even . . . I’m telling Mom.
Fénix: I’m telling Mom first!!!! *Hangs up really fast*
Penta: *Smirks.* *Frowns.* *Consults chart of his myriad children* Ok now wait. Which daughter plays the clarinet? Do all of them play the clarinet—
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Nothing can stand in between Faby Apache and Hijo del Tirantes’ epic secret friendship
*Montage of Faby and Tirantes high-fiving backstage*
*Some are slow motion*
*Some are impossibly intricate*
*All who watch are filled with the sheer joy of human existence*
———————————--
Australian Suicide: So I gotta admit I hadn’t expected Faby and Tirantes to be besties
Bengala: Oh that’s like the tip of the iceberg
Suicide: What do you mean?
Bengala: So you know how aggressively they hate/attack each other during shows?
Suicide: Yeah it’s great it’s like lightning in their eyes and then one of them almost dies
Bengala: Ok so all that animosity?
Suicide: Yeah?
Bengala: Just cloaks all the love in the world. They’re the bro of bros. Like the pinnacle of human friendship
Suicide: Like even better than Averno and Chessman?
Bengala: Ok actually I think they are only friends out of necessity. Maybe a healthy dose of fear
Suicide: Drago and Aerostar?
Bengala: Kids League, man. Also maybe just drinking buddies? Haven’t quite figured this out yet
Suicide: Vampiro and Konnan?
Bengala: Ok yeah closer but think less drug-fueled and prone to forgetting they are besties rather than nemeses
Suicide: . . . Ok, I think I can see it, but wasn’t Tirantes friends with—
Bengala: Yes
Suicide: That Billy el Malo lucha stripper guy? Faby’s ex-husband and father of her child?
Bengala: Yes
Suicide: Who we don’t talk about unless we wish to incur Faby’s Apache-fueled wrath?
Bengala: Yes. It’s awkward.
Suicide: So . . . are they still friends then?
Bengala: We’ve learned not to ask questions.
Suicide: Man. Tirantes. I kind of respect him now!
Bengala: Ok I wouldn’t go that far
#Faby Apache#Hijo del Tirantes#Bengala#Australian Suicide#AAA lucha#Lucha libre#silly adventures#Still all made up guys
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Averno hates everyone, and is not afraid to let them know it
Averno: Ugh. It’s Wednesday.
Chessman: Uh, yes. Yes it is. Problem?
Averno: It’s bonus facebook lucha day! Of course it’s a problem!
Chessman: Is this because you hate facebook, or paychecks, or Mexico City, or. . .
Averno: NO, KEVIN. It is because I hate all the luchadores in AAA. In Mexico. In the world. And today I have to interact with them. Sweat with them. Bleed with them. And I’m not allowed to kill any of them.
Chessman: Yeah, the management kind of frowns on that.
Averno: It is a waste of my rage and talents! The OGT’s should celebrate a return to ritual sacrifice! We could start with the tiny viking lad. I’m fairly certain he is not a real viking. There would be no vengeance from the viking peoples.
Chessman: Uh let’s . . . let’s leave el Hijo del Vikingo alone, for now. Blanket hatred of everyone you know aside, this isn’t because Poder del Norte beat us last Saturday or anything, is it?
Averno: *Scream of inarticulate rage*
Chessman: Ah. I see that it is.
Averno: PODER DEL NORTE. More like Pansies del Norte. Pinheads del Norte. Poopholes del Norte.
Chessman: Maybe we should stop this now—
Averno: I shan’t rest until I’ve bathed in their blood. I will start with the ugly one.
Chessman: Look, we fight them again in two weeks. I know Superfly is out with a hamstring injury, but if you can get Rey Escorpion to stop his weird fight-or-flirt thing with Pagano, we should be good.
Averno: Ugh. Don’t even get me started on Rey. He’s on the list too.
Chessman: Yeah, but we tend to like him so maybe leave him for last? Or, you know. Leave him alone entirely?
Averno: No one is safe, Kevin. No one.
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One time Monst(h)er Clown was forced to go clothes shopping and it was the worst
-A conversation almost entirely in text-
Murder Clown: Hey wakey wakey old guy
Monster Clown: skajqog egiuwdfsjvhns aholjw jdlskhf
Murder: Wanna try that again, Father Time?
Monster: I’m only 10 years older than you what the hell.
Murder: Ohhhh ancienntttt oneeeeeeeeee. Wakeup wakeup wakeup!!1!!
Monster: Oh God. It’s my one day off this week. Go bother Psycho.
Murder: Nope. He’s taught his kids to attack enmascarados with frying pans. Besides, I’m already outside your apartment door.
Monster: Wait what
Murder: Open up, old-timer. We’re going shopping.
Monster: *Clutches pillow* *Tries to ignore everything*
Murder: *Breaks down door*
Monster: Oh goddamnit.
———-Three hours and six stores later———-
*Monster Clown trudges from the fitting room, wearing lime green button down, magenta khakis, and boat shoes with thick socks.*
Murder: Ok I’m almost impressed at this point. How are you still completely unable to dress yourself in a coherent and reasonably fashionable manner?
Monster: I hate you.
Murder: No really. This is not rocket science. T-shirt, distressed jeans, normal person shoes. Even Tirantes knows how to wear clothes. *Thinks about this* Well. Kind of.
Monster: I could wear suspenders. Will all this end if I start wearing suspenders?
Murder: No. No it will not.
Monster: *Facetimes Aerostar* I agree to lose in upcoming lucha de apuestas if you send help.
Aerostar: I can send Drago? He likes shopping!
Monster: That is the opposite of helping.
Murder: Yeah, send Drago. At least he can DRESS HIMSELF.
Rey Escorpion: *Appears from nowhere* I HEARD WE’RE SHOPPING IS IT FOR A PARTY
#Monster Clown#Murder Clown#Los Psycho Circus#Aerostar#Rey Escorpion#AAA lucha#Lucha libre#Silly adventures
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