shmingleping - Tumblr blog

shmingleping · 3 months

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I beg you to clip my wings, as I don’t want leaving you to be an option.

I beg you to declaw me, as I don’t want anything I do to ever hurt you.

I beg you to love me, as I have loved you for all of eternity

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shmingleping · 3 months

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Illustration by Dylan C. Lathrop.

#art #felt this

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shmingleping · 3 months

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shmingleping · 3 months

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Fucking bitch.

Fuck you.

You really truly are a complete piece shit who will get what's coming.

Don't worry, I'm patient.

#personal #thoughts #that fucking bitch #fucking cunt ass pos #playing the victim as if im the one who was using you #fuck off with that bullshit #ive been gaslit before fucker it dont work the second time around #not for me at least #sure im nice and tend to come off as someone easy to manipulate #& you might think you're actually winning the game when im still nice & dont argue seemingly no matter what you do or say to me #but youre not #turns out im actually just nice and try not to make things worse #but not only do i see what you're doing & taking note but im also gradually reaching my tipping point #when my supposed willingness to be kicked when im down without even a wimper or my kindness die out #once you get to that point with me that's that #you're no one to me #ill deal with you if i have to for w.e reason but im not guna try to help you or be nice or do anything i dont want to #youll probably still think you somehow won #but you didnt #youll see #fuck yourself #😇#😈

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shmingleping · 5 months

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I fucking hate meth, man. It's never given me a good high and usually makes me literally insane. And it takes like shit. And it burns like a motherfuck to mainline like no matter what... a register feels like a miss and a miss feels 200x worse. I've only had I think two shots that haven't felt horrible..... out of like possibly hundreds at this point now. Who even likes coke mixed with meth anyways ? Totally ruins coke imo. I can't taste of the coke (something I love) & the every other part of injecting it that I like (the hearing thing & all that). What's the point dude? It's cheaper than just getting white, sure. But with all that I'm return? Not worth it to me. I want my coke back 😭

#& i desperately need black too #i hate days like this !#& whats worse is i havent heard back from my girl in days ....DAYS #freaking out actually #last week totally fucked me when it really shouldnt have. it was supposed to actually help me out but of course i got the fucked end of it #fucking hell man.#personal #thoughts #drugs #in my opinion #meth #coke #cocaine #heroin #iv drug addict #iv drug use #girls who slam #shooting up drugs #tw drug use #tw drugs #fuck meth dude #meth sucks #gimme my cocaine back damnit!#coke>meth 100% imo #come back to me cocaine you beautiful bitch 😭💔#last time i ever give anyone the benefit of the doubt & do anything to be helpful istg. never works for me only them #hate people #i could complain forever so ill stop & just leave ot here before i get more pissed off thinking about it 🤬#fucking bitch.

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shmingleping · 5 months

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Day four ? without any sleep

#personal #thoughts #drugs #iv drug addict #too much in my head #never stops #constantly thinking #never productive though of courses #mostly my fears that there is literally nothing i can do to escape them or even make hurt less #thoughts of why and what it is i hate about myself #how much i wish i could go back #or just change things now #either way theres so many regrets #so much i cant forget #i cant forgive myself either #im getting closer and closer to ending this shit every dqy #even more so when i get stuck in such a bad place that i cant catch a breath while sobbing uncontrollably #so much guilt too #i feel so much pressure to be more than my father while being nothing like him or my sister #but just existing each day feels overwhelming #even when i can use its still bad.#nothing helps. it just makes me feel horrible and undeserving #i was not supposed to be a human alive in this world #especially not having this mind i have paired with this body and all else that i wish i was strong enough to ignore or heal #my real wish would be to have never existed in the first place at all #everyone would be so much better if i wasnt making life worse for them #dreams of living thoughts of suicide

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shmingleping · 5 months

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How bout that other auditory *HaLuCinaTioN* where somehow it sounds like the song you're listening to, for example, speeds the fuck up? The beat, the voice(s), ...?

Like what?! How why what

Fucking cocaina...one helluva drug.

Love the sound of the fans going or most especially music ~ $uicideboy$ ~ when that whole hearing thing is happening from iv cola.

#thoughts #suicideboys #personal #i look forward to it every time #$uicideboy$#tw iv drug use #iv drug use #cause i just love that weird ass nonsense #cola #coke #shooting up #shooting up cocaine #iv drug addict #tw drugs #tw drug addiction #also love it in speedball form #since that lessens the whole anxious feeling for me #but also bc opiates were my first experience/love when mainlining #i appreciate the fact that you end up knowing without a doubt that you hit right bc the hearing thing starts up pretty quick #just wish it wasnt so harsh on my veins & arms but hey man ya cant win in every category right #straight up cola shots are fun since you can see the blood rush in which is just ... sexy to me #speedballs #ahhhh i love this shit #which is really not a good thing at all #guna go enjoy the hearing phenom for as long as i can before my right arm gives up completely #hopefully that isnt too soon 🤞🏼#iv cola hearing phenom🪩💉 🔊👂🏼💥🤌🏼😌#the fuckin tassssteeeee #its so hard to appropriately describe #but damn...love that shit too.

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shmingleping · 6 months

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sad blog

#*always #thoughts #self hatred #about me #hate myself so fucking much #especially lately #im a horrible person #i dont know how to fix anything #or if it even is possible to #i feel like i should never have been here in the first place #like im living in my own worst nightmare #life scares the absolute fucking hell out of me #and theres nothing i can do about it #cant live life #cant die either #stuck #overwhelmed #lost #depressed #confused #its just unfathomably uncomfortable #feels impossible to change myself or circumstances for the betterment of myself and those around me #nothing helps #all i do is drugs to escape from myself #which obviously doesn't last long #costs too much #hurts someone i love #i hate the fact that i hurt them so much in so many ways #i regret most of everything ive ever done #wish none of this ever happened and that i was different in every possible way

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shmingleping · 6 months

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"Dreams of living, thoughts of suicide"

Lyric from 'Naloxone' by Scrim from his album A Man Rose From The Dead

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shmingleping · 6 months

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Oh and the taste?!?

Fuuuuuuuckkkk outta here bitch gah damn man...

Like...

Actual mouth-watering kinds of cravings for that perfection 🤌🏼

🤤

Love the sound of the fans going or most especially music ~ $uicideboy$ ~ when that whole hearing thing is happening from iv cola.

#thoughts #personal #suicideboys #i look forward to it every time #$uicideboy$#iv drug use #tw iv drug use #cause i just love that weird ass nonsense #coke #cola #shooting up #shooting up cocaine #tw drugs #iv drug addict #tw drug addiction #also love it in speedball form #since that lessens the whole anxious feeling for me #but also bc opiates were my first experience/love when mainlining #i appreciate the fact that you end up knowing without a doubt that you hit right bc the hearing thing starts up pretty quick #just wish it wasnt so harsh on my veins & arms but hey man ya cant win in every category right #speedballs #straight up cola shots are fun since you can see the blood rush in which is just ... sexy to me #ahhhh i love this shit #which is really not a good thing at all #guna go enjoy the hearing phenom for as long as i can before my right arm gives up completely #hopefully that isnt too soon 🤞🏼#iv cola hearing phenom🪩💉 🔊👂🏼💥🤌🏼😌#the fuckin tassssteeeee #its so hard to appropriately describe #but damn...love that shit too.

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shmingleping · 6 months

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Ridiculously, deliciously weird... fuckin love it.

It's so loud yet muffled & quiet, gives almost an electrical sound to voices [in my opinion ar least], music is enhanced even more so than it feels like when high as fuck on weed.

Love the sound of the fans going or most especially music ~ $uicideboy$ ~ when that whole hearing thing is happening from iv cola.

#thoughts #personal #suicideboys #i look forward to it every time #$uicideboy$#iv drug use #tw iv drug use #cause i just love that weird ass nonsense #coke #cola #shooting up #shooting up cocaine #tw drugs #iv drug addict #tw drug addiction #also love it in speedball form #since that lessens the whole anxious feeling for me #but also bc opiates were my first experience/love when mainlining #i appreciate the fact that you end up knowing without a doubt that you hit right bc the hearing thing starts up pretty quick #just wish it wasnt so harsh on my veins & arms but hey man ya cant win in every category right #speedballs #straight up cola shots are fun since you can see the blood rush in which is just ... sexy to me #ahhhh i love this shit #which is really not a good thing at all #guna go enjoy the hearing phenom for as long as i can before my right arm gives up completely #hopefully that isnt too soon 🤞🏼#iv cola hearing phenom🪩💉 🔊👂🏼💥🤌🏼😌

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shmingleping · 6 months

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Love the sound of the fans going or most especially music ~ $uicideboy$ ~ when that whole hearing thing is happening from iv cola.

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shmingleping · 6 months

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Anyone else who shoots cola notice their eyes start to get that vignette type filter looking thing going on with their eyesight while in the midst of doing a shot? Is that bad? It's for sure annoying at times because once it starts up I can't shake it and it can sometimes make it super tricky to continue the shot at that point since my eyes start to get into almost like a stare so they get blurred.

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shmingleping · 6 months

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More reasons:

For whatever reason, I can never seem to be able to finish a whole shot no matter what I do. Because of that I can only draw up and use small amounts each time but even then i5 still happens.

The amount of product I end up wasting because of the above.

The feeling of anxiety it sometimes gives me. Like that sinking stomach feeling.

The headaches I get from using too much too often.

Staying awake for days then sleeping for days.

The amount of time I spend using or trying to.

The money.

The effect it has on my mom and animals who rely on me to be more than I am.

Hysterical crying that lasts too long.

Having to rely on dealers and go with their time schedule feeling like I can't say or do certain things in fear that it will end up affecting that "relationship".

Some of those are kind of basic drug addiction issues I realize but I still count it. The list of things I love about it isn't this long but I unfortunately know myself and the fact that that won't stop me. Fuck me dude.

Things I hate about shooting coke:

The sting when the needle goes in sometimes

I can never stop at 1 or 2 shots

The way it completely fucks up my arms more than dope ever has

The feeling of those wounds when the drug is kinda more or less stuck in your skin

The abscesses, other types of wounds, the scars, skin discoloration bc of all that

Loving it as much as I hate it

Feeling trapped again just when I thought I might be done with heroin (or was at least going to give it a real try)

I hate this. I wish I never got into any of this.

#personal #thoughts #drugs tw #coke #tw cocaine #shooting up #tw iv drug use #addiction #iv drug addict #fucking hate myself

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shmingleping · 6 months

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Things I hate about shooting coke:

The sting when the needle goes in sometimes

I can never stop at 1 or 2 shots

The way it completely fucks up my arms more than dope ever has

The feeling of those wounds when the drug is kinda more or less stuck in your skin

The abscesses, other types of wounds, the scars, skin discoloration bc of all that

Loving it as much as I hate it

Feeling trapped again just when I thought I might be done with heroin (or was at least going to give it a real try)

I hate this. I wish I never got into any of this.

#personal #thoughts #drugs tw #coke #tw cocaine #shooting up #tw iv drug use #addiction #iv drug addict #fucking hate myself

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shmingleping · 6 months

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Godfather trilogy on repeat.

#getting in touch with my Italian side the only way i can now #that side of the family is a true clusterfuck #such a shame #rip nana you deserved better #personal

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shmingleping · 7 months

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My arms are now so beyond the 'normal' level of fucked up I've sadly become accustomed to. Abscess on right arm currently, two are starting on the left after the whole desperately-need-new-needles-cant-get-new-needles debacle.

I'm mad at myself for everything I did, or I guess didn't do, that led up to this situation. I should have taken it slow last night/today or at least taken some breaks. The problem with that is usually once I find a spot that works, it ends up not working the more time there is between shots. That is one of the reasons I end up doing what most people tell me not to do; shot after shot after shot. I just got so frustrated with it, and it's not like I have a plethora of good veins to tap into. Plus the syringes I got last night totally confused my mind on how to know for sure if I registered or not, and also if even like a drip of blood got in at the tip and didn't move for .5 seconds the whole thing would clog/back up/ and then because it was the kind with the detachable needle the whole thing would blow up under the pressure so blood & drugs went flying.

Even though i thought this weekend would turn out ok since i reupped and had a smidgen of motivation to do some of the things i desperately need to get around to, it has turned into pure shite for me. Typical.

#personal #thoughts #iv drug user #tw iv drug use #hate today #hate yesterday #hate myself forever #sick of myself #i dont want to participate for a while #id like a prescription for a coma please #cried for 4+ hours today #and when i say cried i really mean sobbed #like the kind where you cant catch your breath #and no matter what you do you cant stop #i dont want to be whoever this me person is anymore #i hate her and she sucks

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