shitmylesbianwifesays
Shit My Lesbian Wife Says
We're married lesbians. She says things. Hilarious things.
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My lesbian wife: “You’d think places like this would have, like, a pet resort for children… What’s that called?”
Me: “Childcare?”
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My lesbian wife: *reaches into pocket*
Me: Do you have jelly beans in your pocket?
Her: …That’s what pockets are for.
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“It’s creepy when people say their best friend is their spouse. My best friend is my cat.”
~ My Lesbian Wife
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National Dog Show: *zooms in on German Shepherd*
My Lesbian Wife: Boooo! ACAB!
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“We deserve a ‘Waterworld’ remake where Kevin Costner’s character is a butch lesbian.”
~My Lesbian Wife
#shit my lesbian wife says#lesbian#wlw#lesbian problems#waterworld#kevin costner#queer up 20th century movies#aloto series should start a movement#aloto series
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“I like shows where I get to hate the man. I don’t like shows where I have to hate the woman.”
~ My Lesbian Wife
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“Ugh. Jeans make me tired.”
~ My Lesbian Wife
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“I thought it was gonna be an important thing, but then he just ended up talking about Power Rangers.”
~ My Lesbian Wife
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“If this was the Matrix, I would have a goat.”
~ My Lesbian Wife
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“I’m a simple girl. I just wanna touch cow noses.”
~ My Lesbian Wife
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“I don’t understand people who try new things at Starbucks — it’s like 6 dollars to try things! Why don’t you just get the same order you’ve gotten since 2001, like me?”
~ My Lesbian Wife
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“I forgot that our cat is a cat and not a human baby.”
~ My Lesbian Wife
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“Why isn’t there a station that only plays ladies’ Olympic sports?”
~ My Lesbian Wife
#shit my lesbian wife says#lesbian#wlw#Olympics#tokyo olympics#tokyo 2020#gymnastics#simone biles#soccer#swimming#softball#basketball#cycling#skateboarding#tennis#naomi osaka#women’s sports#rugby
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“We spent 2 hours in IKEA? Wow! It’s like a fucking casino in there.”
~ My Lesbian Wife
#for the record we only bought cat hair removal rollers#shit my lesbian wife says#lesbian#wlw#lesbian problems#ikea#ikea is the worst
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“Don’t stay up too late because I sent you a bunch of TikToks and I wanna watch them with you.”
~ My Lesbian Wife
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“Don’t you think we should know a choreographed dance?”
~ My Lesbian Wife
#shit my lesbian wife says#lesbian problems#lesbian#wlw#I mean I guess so?#I guess we have weekend plans now...
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“How is saphiction not a hashtag?”
~ My Lesbian Wife
#it is now#saphiction#shit my lesbian wife says#lesbian#lesbian problems#wlw#the abyss surrounds us#the seven husbands of Evelyn Hugo#the mercies#girls of paper and fire#of fire and stars#sabriel
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