MID

I am mid. Everything about me is mid. I'm not bad at anything but at the same time, I'm not that talented at anything. Nothing is interesting about me, and I hate that about myself.

Lonely

I have never felt this lonely. Things could have been different if I had made the right choices, but I had not.

I hate this feeling. I wish I cared less. I wish I did not had to feel this way.

I hate living and the idea of it. I had feeling sadness, annoyance, anger, jealousy, regret. I hate feeling happy when I know it will not last. I know have said it a lot of times, but I really don't want to think or feel anymore.

I hate living.

I hate every part of it.

I hate feeling weak and vulnerable.

If I had been more stronger, courageous, independent and bolder, maybe things would have been different.

I wish things were different.

Reason

I love overanalysing things when I'm bored. I love looking at someone and listening to every word they say.

"I'm sorry," When they're not at fault; obviously a sign of submission and people pleaser. Easy to take advantage of and most likely a pushover.

People who explain the things they do when no one asked is a sign of parents issues, whether it'll be the mother or father side. It's obvious they feel the need to explain things before they get in trouble.

People who hate feeling vulnerable/showing their vulnerable side to others; most likely because of emotional neglect caused by their caretaker/guardian. No one really paid attention to them when they were young, causing them to not trust anyone but themselves.

Even if I'm wrong, I don't really care. I just love making stories and backgrounds about random people just because of simple things they do or feel. It's amusing, really.

Everything Sucks.

You know what sucks a lot? Not being able to be in control of your own life. It really sucks. All you have to do is just accept things for the way it is and just imagine worse things that had happened to other people to make yourself feel a lot better, but instead of making you feel better, it just makes you feel shittier; not because there are people who are suffering, but because you are crying for no absolute reason compared to people who went through real pain.

It sucks not being able to be in control of your life and it also suck feeling this isolated. I feel like everyone in my life are not real, like I'm the only one in this world. Am I even real? Is anything even real? These friends I have don't feel like friends. They're kind to me, they're loyal to me, they think of me as their friend so what is the problem? It's me. I'm the problem. Nothing is wrong with them, it was just me. It's my brain. I don't know what I want, what I don't want, what I love, what I hate. I don't know myself that well.

I want someone to hug me and understand me. I want someone to see my backstory and why I turned out this way. I want someone to not only feel empathetic towards me, but feel the need to criticise myself. I want someone to point holes and think of me a flawed person but still perfect, even with flaws. But at the same time, I hate that feeling. I don't want to feel vulnerable. I don't want anyone to think of me as some weak person who needs protection. I don't want people to look at me cry and hug me. I hate hugs. I don't want people to know everything about me. It'd be better if I lived alone by myself, I know that for sure. If I hung around with just one person, I'd get bored of them easily and that's for sure. So what the hell do I want? I keep asking that and yet I still can't find the answer to it.

It sucks. Everything sucks.

I don't find the need to live or to die. I'm not suicidal but I don't find the motivation to live. If I did die, I wouldn't really care. I just hate feeling emotions. These emotions, that makes me feel vulnerable and weak. I wish I can just disregard of my emotions easily but I know it's not that possible, even if I had experienced it more than a million times.

The Human Brain

The human brain really is so interesting. Everyone have their own beliefs, opinions, personalities and that's what's so unique about everyone.

Some personalities are from nature while some grow from nurture, that's what makes everyone so wide-range of personalities because people grew up in different environment.

Sure you may relate to others like others relate to you but you will never relate to anyone's past or backstory completely like they do to you. You can empathise or sympathise with others but you will never experience the same background they went through. That's what makes everything interesting.

For me, in an attempt to understand someone completely, I'd just have to get closer to them. Once I get closer to them, I pretend to be interested in the things they're interested in and ask them questions to seem like I am interested in them when I'm not.

Make them feel special, like they are loved when I'm around. That way, they'll feel like I care for them. I know it's evil but it's just for the sake of experimenting.

Once I get to see them vulnerable; such as them venting or ranting to me, that's when every word you say affects them. Tell them sweet lies when they are in their lowest point, making them trust you.

This is the part where I try to know their childhood more, how the people treat them and why they act like the way they are right now. Think about the people they love and hate and the possible reason why they may act like that. You need a hypothesis before getting down to the case.

After writing down your hypothesis (I would just take a mental note instead of writing), you try to act like you empathise with them. Ask them things like, "It's alright to feel this way," "Do you feel this way because of.....?" "I understand you. You're not alone in this."

Just remember, your words are your choices. Think before you speak.

Jinyoung Park

Jinyoung Park and Daniel Park looks awfully the same like they're somewhat related or something. I don't know whether it's same face syndrome, or PTJ is too lazy to make a new slide, if it is either of those, it's totally reasonable since art is something hard to make. But if it's a symbolism or a hint/clue, then I'd be intrigued. I don't really care how the story progress since I'll continue reading it either way. I really enjoy Lookism for whatever it is, but the similarities between Jinyoung Park and Daniel Park is too clear to not notice.