I made a draw at work today

It accurately represents

how I feel about life right now

By Chekhov [tumblr | twitter]

Have you ever.

Have you ever seen a friend that seemed so strong break down in front of you? 

Have you ever seen someone you respect breakdown and show himself to be human? 

Have you ever been told that you "aren't human" or "You don't count"?

I have. All of this I have seen or heard. Its starting to hurt. I have personally broken down before. Some of my friends have seen. At least the close ones. I hate it. It broke my heart when my friend broke down in front of me. I never expected it. They were the friend that was always there for you, always cared, always wanted you to be okay. Well it got to them, I finally saw what was inside. To be honest they were just like me. Nice exterior, always "happy" while permanently dead on the inside. They haven't gotten to the same point as me yet. Nor do they have the manipulative ability I have. The difference is they still care, no matter how dead they get. They will never be able to stop caring, its in their nature. That makes me happy because they will never understand my discord with the human race, they will never gain my view of the world or my view of people. So while it hurt to see, its good to know they will never become like me. So there is always optimism.

Someone I game against often is in a show that follows pro gamers. Well one of his teammates was sent home and fired from the team. He is a very monotone guy and he never expresses emotion it seems. Well this time he broke down and showed emotion, he showed he is human. It was just humbling. There is so much respect I just gained for him. I have been avoiding the episode for so long as I was worried it would make me lose respect but my god was I wrong. There is nothing else I can say to elaborate. If I was to move where I was going to it would only be because of him. I have lost faith in all the others and my decision. 

Finally I'm sick of this. Just because I excel in thinking and rapid problem solving and my memory remains undamaged and actually improved compared to the people around me, that does not make me inhuman. That does not make me not count. Yes, it does make me different. Doesn't make me not belong. I have been through this all my life. Basically segregated because I'm different, split from society because I don't want to play by their rules. All people ever see is my success never my failures. 

Well I have my fair share of failures, people just never focus on them when they look at me. They only look at success. 

I am a successful gamer, I do excel in mathematics and sciences. I do however fall flat on my face in english, well the majority. I excel in rhetoric and poetry. That is the only reason I did so well in my english course. I manipulated the teacher to write most of my work for me. And girls are easy now, just abuse the fact that they love poetry and that relaxes their mind and it can be manipulated to feel without them understanding/ noticing. I'm a bit of a manipulative prick

Which brings me to my next issue. I cannot connect with people. I trust no one! No I am not making this shit up. I can literally trust no one. Family or friend, there is no way I think you have my back. No way I trust you to let me make my own decisions or your own for that matter. I know whats in your mind a little bit better than you know. 

This is why my relationships fail. I know your thinking, I figure it out within weeks of knowing you. So I start assuming outcomes to situations before I even bring them to your attention. So I neglect to tell you on the ones I know you will react poorly or go insane over. There were 3 times in my prior relationship that I simply came out and asked (fully knowing they would be against it, from prior arguments but with them saying "If you spoke with me first I would have been fine") just to see if what they said was truth or fiction to make me feel like its even an option. As I expected it was fiction. No matter if I brought it up before or after the event I was getting in the same amount of shit for even thinking. Talk about fishing for control. If Society and my Mother can't keep control of me. What makes you think anyone has that power. Especially if I can think exponentially faster than you as well as see a full picture and have an understanding before you. 

Which brings me to my Final major issue. I base everyone intelligence levels off my own. Which an IQ test tells me, I really shouldn't do that. Its just not fair. I even notice when my head is situated in a diminishing wave collision just from moving my head slightly, yes Im weird and no thats not normal but I notice it... I also know the frequency my brain functions at. So in other words I know the sound that interferes with my thoughts and literally makes it impossible for me to think. Yes, while this is off topic. It is also rather on topic.

I'm not normally an activist but this song is beautiful.

The Night is Silent.

Yet it has never been louder to me than right this minute.

Self Inflicted Torture

This is something I do way to often. I personally cannot cut myself or end my own life as when I was younger, I accidently hung myself. Was legally dead for 2 min before being revived by my Aunt. In that time of death, there was nothing. There is no release, there is no Paradiso. Just an end, you aren't even conscious to being dead, you just fall asleep to never wake and never dream again. 

This fact keeps me alive everyday. Since there is nothing better after this shit we call life. I might as well see how this shit unfolds. 

Back to the point at hand. I am very argumentative and yet I will not stand up against things that hurt me. I would prefer not to have conversation with my Ex. Yet I still do as she has very limited friends and I know so much about her and she still needs a friend there for her. Talking to her makes me want to rip that black mass I call a heart out of my chest.

There is also my friend, amazing girl! Intelligent, understanding, really fun to talk to, best of all understands me and my humor as well as when I am being serious (which while not often, few ever notice.) Since my relationship ended I have fallen really hard for her. To which I hide it, and even helped her get into a relationship. I have a lot of fun in destroying myself it would seem, as I really like this woman and yet instead of making a move. I am directly tied to getting her into the current relationship she is in. 

Finally, I have a really close friend. Like really close. To the point where if she needs me up till 6 or 7am to just talk as she is having a bad time in her own head... I'm the one awake talking to her. Not her boyfriend. Oh yeah, I should mention she has been with this guy for 3 years practically. Well one time when we were talking in the early am's she Confessed that she liked me. Really cared about me. I also must say I have huge respect for relationships so I will try not to interfere with them if I know that I might. Well I just started laughing as I knew that would turn her away, even though I really liked her. I fell head over heels for her a while back. She is basically exactly like the friend I was talking about previously. She asked that I never fall in love with her, as she may gravitate to me and leave her relationship. Well I told her I would never let her do such a thing, I respect her way too much. The amount of times we hung out as well just chilled in her room and I spent the night because I was either too drunk to drive or she just needed to have someone near her. Even built forts with her. I had so many chances to let her know and yet I don't. It kills me that I can go to a party and leave with a chick like its nothing (my friends swear I have a super power). Yet I restrict myself to nothingness with her, its confusing and it kills me on the inside. Why when I'm over there now on Fridays, I leave earlier than normal and go to parties and just sleep with random girls cause I can't bring myself to do anything with her that I super impose myself to other girls for cheap fun.

Not proud of any of this, I'm just very self destructive. I may wait and see before I say something... If I ever do.

What everyone seems to forget about me.

I'm glad you are because I have forgotten you.

Relaxing Music. The Title means everything to me though.

The Truth to why I feel Evil.

- Taken from Memebase.com

Quote in my Picture

"A Knight in Shining Armor is a Man who has Never had his Metal Truly Tested"

Why this Exists.

This blog exists as I need an outlet for my thoughts that won't have people close to me worrying about me. I am slowly losing my mind and I can feel nothing, towards anyone. I use to think dead inside was just a saying, but recently I have noticed it can occur without your knowledge of it. 

I'm dead because I choose to be, no one truly knows me. Nor do I think they care about me. I hide my being away from people close to me because I can't trust anyone. My prior relationships have seen to that. 

I laugh, but every meaningful relationship I have ever had, I have been cheated on. Yeah, I know "Oh Wow is me" right? Though this has caused me to hate human contact. People touching me literally causes me pain and uncomfort. Which is especially funny as most people who know me would label me: Social and Charismatic. 

I am truly just waiting out this life to see what happens as I feel like I just wait for death as it stands. As if I can't stand humanity, not even my own (what little is left) what hope is there for me in this world?

Signed, 

Someone who fears Humanity