The ending

Part 3

As soon as I left the building, I called my boyfriend crying hysterically. I told him I needed to go in for an ultrasound and he told me he would pick me up at my house and head to the doctors with me. We did our ultrasound and just waited. We found out the ultrasound did not show a pregnancy in the tube or in the uterus. On that same day, I had my second abortion. 

I knew this is what I needed to do but it wasn’t easy. My boyfriend wasn’t in the room like the first time and this time there were 3 strangers looking at my butt while 4 needles injected me. There was a nurse observing, 1 nurse making the injections, and another supervising. The nurse making the injections went through the whole spiel that I had already heard. I was already crying and just kept nodding because all this information was familiar to me already. The nurse supervising had told the nurse doing the injections that she didn't need to go over everything and that this was my first time. Then the nurse observing had the freakin audacity to say, “this isn’t your first ectopic pregnancy?” Jeeze like that made my feel any better, right? 

I cried harder the second time and I’m not really sure why. Maybe because my boyfriend wasn’t there or maybe because this was happening all over again. I sat there 2 injections on my left cheek and another 2 on my right. As soon as I finished, I asked to leave. Walked out to my boyfriend in the waiting room and just continued crying. 

I decided during that time to stop taking my birth control and allow my body to heal, if it can even heal. I’ve cried several times since it happened and have so much questions. Will I ever be able to carry a healthy pregnancy? When should I start trying again? What if I could never get pregnant? There’s so many thoughts running through my mind but one this is for sure, I will be a mother even if I’m not able to get pregnant. 

2020

Part 2

We got to the hospital, met my now current OBGYN for the rest time and took the pregnancy... it came back positive!! I was happy. So after we had found out we planned to go to a 1920s themed NYE party w/ my close friends. It was soooo hard keeping it from them but I knew I wanted to surprise them in a special way with the news. All this excitement and happiness was just flowing through me. I didn’t realize it would only last a couple of days.

On the 31st, I don’t remember much of the details but I do remember several test that day. One test I remember was a hormone level check. I am guessing my hormone levels weren’t where the doctor wanted them to be so on Jan 1st I came back to get my blood drawn again. On Jan 2nd, she asked me to go again to get my blood drawn. On Jan 3rd I received a phone call from her at work. I had just started and I remember the phone call. She wanted me to come in person to do an emergency ultra sound. Based on the my hormone levels, we should have seen more in my previous ultra sound. I wasn’t able to talk so I wrote a note to my manager asking if I can go home for the day. She gave me a hug and told me to take care. 

Perfect ending to 2019.

Part 1

On December 30, 2019, I had dinner with my 2 very close friends at a steak house in Santana Row. I had mentioned I missed my period and told them I was planning to take a pregnancy test that night just to see. I told them I’d for sure share the results when I saw them. That night I took the test and it turned positive, took a while longer than what the instructions said but there it was, 2 lines. I don’t remember what my emotions were but I knew I was happy and knew I wanted to keep it from my boyfriend until I went to the doctors to confirm. I did tell my 1 good friend who is actually out of the country in Cuba. I figured she wouldn’t have anyone to tell. Haha. I did tell my 2 girl friends it was negative so that I can surprise them with the truth in a special way.

So I took the test and hid it under my bed. I scheduled an appointment with the only OBGYN available for the next day which was New Years Ever. The next morning I was just thinking about how if I were pregnant I would want my boyfriend to be there with me at my first appointment. So I decided to actually tell him!!! So much for keeping it a secret. Lol.... so I pulled that baby(pregnancy test) out and woke him up. Told him to close his eyes and when he opened(still kind of sleeping btw) he saw the pregnancy test. I actually recorded his reaction and well he wasn’t really jumping with joy. Lol. So that day we got up and headed to my doctors appointment.....

Coping with death

One of the hardest thing I deal with is coping with death. There are so many nights were I cry myself to sleep thinking about the day I’ll never wake up again. Or the day I’ll never be able to see my parents. As I write this now I feel myself becoming so emotional. 

I know this is inevitable and I know I’m not the only person who thinks about it but sometimes I feel like I think about it too much. I have these conversations with my boyfriend and it never seems to really bother him the way it bothers me. I think he does a great job at just living in the present and making sure he doesn’t take life for granted. It’s hard for me because I am always thinking about the future, always thinking about what is next and the future is death. 

I’ve reached out to a really good friend of mine who has dealt with depression and asked if she would refer her therapist to me. I don’t think I am depressed but I strongly believe I have a problem coping with this issue. I am hoping talking to an expert will benefit. Stay tuned to find out.... :)

First Time

Hello,

I wanted to post on here what I posted privately on my public Tumblr:

February 10, 2017

Today i had an abortion. Something I would have never thought I would do in my life. After being there for my mom when she got her own, I promised I would be careful enough to not be in that situation. I failed that promise. I went to the doctors today and found out I was 5 weeks pregnant. Luckily, my boyfriend was there by my side the entire time. I cried. I was in shock, but I knew what the right thing was to do. Couple hours after finding out I was pregnant I had an abortion. Turns out it was an ectopic pregnancy. The chances of it being a normal pregnancy were very low, I was bound to have many more complications than the ones I was having already. Today I was in so much pain, both physically and emotionally. I wouldn’t have been able to care for a child. As much as I’ve always wanted one, this is not the time. I can accept the decision i made today and move on with my life. Be better. Learn from this mistake and never let it happen again. Today, i make a promise that I’ll keep with all my heart. I’m never having an abortion again unless it is benefiting my health. If God, Buddha, or whoever allowed me to become pregnant once again, I will not terminate it’s gift.

Looking back at that post now I forgot to mention something. After taking my mom to her own abortion appointment, she asked me not to share that information with my siblings. This is something is still to this day have not shared and I want to say it happened back in 2012/2013? She also told me that this was one of the hardest thing she had gone through and hope that I would never have to go through this either. 

Mom - You are the strongest person I know. <3

The Beginning

I wanted to create this blog to share my stories through life and the challenges that come with it: past, present and future. I want to be able to look back at this and reflect on the woman I was during the times writing this blog and the woman I am when reading it. So this is the beginning. Hear my stories or don’t but this is my opportunity to express my feelings the way I want without worrying about other people’s opinion. So welcome to SecretsByJS. 😊