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sayssnape · 10 months
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mcgonagall: harry is missing, can you find him?
snape: what, do you think i have him microchipped or something?
mcgonagall: well, do you?
snape:
snape: yeah, hang on.
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sayssnape · 11 months
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*snape and sirius stuck in a cave after going on a secret mission together*
snape: great. just great. planned on saving the world and now i’m stuck with an idiot in leather.
sirius: yeah? well at least your brother isn’t going to die.
snape: at least you’re not going to die with your father thinking you’re a joke.
sirius: your dad thinks you’re a joke? my dad thinks i’m a joke, too.
snape: …oh, really? well… you’re dads RIGHT.
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sayssnape · 11 months
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snape, texting dumbledore: *sends a voice message*
dumbledore, texting back: i’m kind of busy. is it urgent?
snape: no, don't worry, just listen later,
*later*
dumbledore: *presses play*
snape’s voice message: THERE'S A FIRE AT THE CAST-
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sayssnape · 11 months
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harry: oh, here's my award for the most rules broken!
hermione: that’s not an award, it's an angry letter from snape.
harry, hanging it on the wall: well, it has the word 'most’ in it, so i’m calling it an award.
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sayssnape · 11 months
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lucius: if i let anything happen to severus, i wouldn't be able to live with myself
lucius: of course i wouldn't have to, because narcissa would kill me
lucius: but still.
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sayssnape · 1 year
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snape: caffeine no longer keeps me awake while i work, so instead i have minerva periodically send me texts saying "we need to talk"
snape: it gives me the right about of adrenaline and fear to keep going.
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sayssnape · 1 year
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snape: albus, remember when you said you weren't going to interfere with my love life?
dumbledore: no, that doesn't sound like me at all.
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sayssnape · 1 year
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7 year old harry: oh, remus? sev said he has a crush on you.
remus: …did he now
snape: he misunderstood. i said i was going to crush you.
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sayssnape · 1 year
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voldemort: oh, and i should probably mention that i’m filling the basement with dead goblins, so keep an eye out.
snape: …what?
voldemort: well, i need an army of the dead to protect something, and not just any dead people will do.
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sayssnape · 1 year
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regulus: why is half your family muggle?
snape: why is your family sirius?
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sayssnape · 1 year
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*staff meeting*
dumbledore: this year, i learned that time is precious so my new years resolution is to spend more time with you guys.
sprout: awhh 🥹 how sweet
flitwick: how sweet 💕
mcgonagall: that’s nice 🫶🏼
snape: yeah, i actually learned that time is precious too so my resolution is to spend as little time with you all as possible because you drain the ever loving life out of me
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sayssnape · 1 year
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snape: but it's cold!
dumbledore: just reach into your heart and find the warmth.
snape:
dumbledore: i don't know, i'm just trying to help you out.
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sayssnape · 1 year
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lily: this is such a bad idea.
snape: then why are you coming along?
lily: one of us need to be able to talk the cops out of arresting us when this inevitably goes wrong
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sayssnape · 1 year
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dumbledore, to student snape: how did you get in here?
snape: the door was open.
dumbledore: no, it certainly wasn't.
snape: it was after i opened it.
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sayssnape · 1 year
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regulus: *crying in the corner*
narcissa: what's wrong?
regulus: it's severus.
narcissa: oh, did you two have a fight?
regulus: no, he's just so pretty you know.
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sayssnape · 1 year
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snape: the first rule of being interrogated is that you are the only irreplaceable person in the torture chamber. the room is yours, so work it. if they're going to threaten you with death, show them who's boss. die faster.
harry: are you…… okay?
snape: not at all, why do you ask?
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sayssnape · 1 year
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molly: DON'T YOU BE SORRY. YOU'RE NOTHING BUT AN ANGEL! YOU TRIED TO HELP US WHICH IS A SWEET MOVE!
snape: you’re yelling nice things at me again and it's very confusing!
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