sailors-diary-for-elise
Sailor's Diary- Elise's Writing blog
Elise's writing blog cause why not? 18+ at times. Requests: closed, will have triggering works but I'll always work hard at warnings.
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Read For Me 》 P. Seonghwa @pirateprincessblog
(I freaking love this! The second one is amazing & I can’t wait for the third one to come out! Honestly written so good. Please check out their other works! ^
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chanel chance - part one @channieismyboy
blacklist }} p.sh (masterlist) @atxxzist ❥
(´꒳`)♡ blooming feeling (´꒳`)♡ @itgetsquiet
[P]raise || P.S & pt2 @barnesbabee
Lingerie @synthetickitsune
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does he know? ♡ @auroumi
Unexpected Company @mia-tiny
love is gone masterlist @ateezmakemeweep
anorgasmia @vngelgyu
When you’re sexually frustrated. @cocobeanncteez
You @ateezinmymind
Come In @abiaswreck
vampire!hwa @hyetiny
𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐊𝐓𝐎𝐁𝐄𝐑 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟏: 𝐃𝐀𝐘 𝟑 @jl-micasea-fics
2 Became 3 @thisisjustmywritingblog
hands all over @mingirn
The Small Things @parkjiminiemouse
Desire @flowerboykun
Follow the rules & part 1 & part 2 @atinydise
Firsts @sailors-diary-for-elise
#WHY DID I NOT SEE THIS HUH?!#THANK YOU SO MUCH OMG I AM AT A LOSS OF WORDS#😭 this is the second time anyone has recommended something I've written wth#MY HEART IS MELTING AAAHHH#🥺 you literally made my entire month love! thank you so much!
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ummmmmmmm I’m gonna start using this-
Actually
The question I get the most is how I write characters that feel like real people.
Generally when I’m designing a human being, I deconstruct them into 7 major categories:
1. Primary Drive
2. Fear: Major and Secondary
3. Physical Desires
4. Style of self expression
5. How they express affection
6. What controls them (what they are weak for)
7. What part of them will change.
1. Primary Drive: This is generally related to the plot. What are their plot related goals? How are they pulling the plot forward? how do they make decisions? What do they think they’re doing and how do they justify doing it.
2. Fear: First, what is their deep fear? Abandonment? being consumed by power? etc. Second: tiny fears. Spiders. someone licking their neck. Small things that bother them. At least 4.
3. Physical desires. How they feel about touch. What is their perceived sexual/romantic orientation. Do their physical desires match up with their psychological desires.
4. Style of self expression: How they talk. Are they shy? Do they like to joke around and if so, how? Are they anxious or confident internally and how do they express that externally. What do words mean to them? More or less than actions? Does their socioeconomic background affect the way they present themselves socially?
5. How they express affection: Do they express affection through actions or words. Is expressing affection easy for them or not. How quickly do they open up to someone they like. Does their affection match up with their physical desires. how does the way they show their friends that they love them differ from how they show a potential love interest that they love them. is affection something they struggle with?
6. What controls them (what they are weak for): what are they almost entirely helpless against. What is something that influences them regardless of their own moral code. What– if driven to the end of the wire— would they reject sacrificing. What/who would they cut off their own finger for. What would they kill for, if pushed. What makes them want to curl up and never go outside again from pain. What makes them sink to their knees from weakness or relief. What would make them weep tears of joy regardless where they were and who they were in front of.
7. WHAT PART OF THEM WILL CHANGE: people develop over time. At least two of the above six categories will be altered by the storyline–either to an extreme or whittled down to nothing. When a person experiences trauma, their primary fear may change, or how they express affection may change, etc. By the time your book is over, they should have developed. And its important to decide which parts of them will be the ones that slowly get altered so you can work on monitoring it as you write. making it congruent with the plot instead of just a reaction to the plot.
That’s it.
But most of all, you have to treat this like you’re developing a human being. Not a “character” a living breathing person. When you talk, you use their voice. If you want them to say something and it doesn’t seem like (based on the seven characteristics above) that they would say it, what would they say instead?
If they must do something that’s forced by the plot, that they wouldn’t do based on their seven options, they can still do the thing, but how would they feel internally about doing it?
How do their seven characteristics meet/ meld with someone else’s seven and how will they change each other?
Once you can come up with all the answers to all of these questions, you begin to know your character like you’d know one of your friends. When you can place them in any AU and know how they would react.
They start to breathe.
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HOLY CRAP W H A T?! 😳 I FEEL SO HONORED?! THANK YOU! I've never been on a fic recommendation post before and I'm- 🥺
!!Jae's Fanfic Recommendations!!
I've seen a bunch of people do these Fic recommend posts and I wanted to do it myself. I feel we need to show off and hype one another more. Having just a little push of attention is always a great feeling, so here are some of my favourite Fics I've read!!
Plus some beautiful people that write so much amazing content!!
Fics:
Smoked Eyeliner [By @galaxteez ♡]
Mafia!Ateez [By @latte-fairytaekwoon ♡]
Flashing Lights [By@galaxteez ♡]
Drip [By @nateezfics ♡]
Valtameri Series [By @jinmindeulle ♡]
Punishment [By @sailors-diary-for-elise ♡]
Where Do You Want Me [By @woniewhite ♡]
Siren Song [By @ithinkilikeit-reactions ♡]
Ocean Calls [By @hwanami ♡]
Mirrors [By @tohokuu ♡]
Uno [By @hwaflms ♡]
Heating up [By @ateenie ♡]
Little Thing [By @star-1117 ♡]
Eight Makes One Halloween [By @nateezfics ♡]
Of Love And Lust [By @yunhoflrtz ♡]
Love And Lust [By @woniewhite ♡]
Honourable Mentions :
@strangertides [My First mutual that writes so much Beautiful content. I hope you're doing well sweets]
@galaxteez [Its obvious they are astonishing at what they do. They have not written anything I dont like!! They are incredible]
@latte-fairytaekwoon [They were my inspiration for alot of my works and I love their content so much!!]
-
I have so many other ideas love to add! And I shall make another fic recommendation again. This was so much fun!
Everyone mentioned are so amazing and Please go check them out if you have not already! ♡
[Dont forget to check out my own works ♡]
ATEEZ MASTERLIST
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So....there might be reason for me to make a pt.2 to a certain oneshot that y’all seemed to really like
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i’m not kidding fucking tag me in this shit or whatever i want to know what your names would have been in the fuckin. 1930s! it’s so fun i feel like i’m uncovering other little izzys under rocks and leaves it’s so pleasant
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send an ask: get to know your author
1) is there a story you’re holding off on writing for some reason?
2) what work of yours, if any, are you the most embarrassed about existing?
3) what order do you write in? front of book to back? chronological? favorite scenes first? something else?
4) favorite character you’ve written
5) character you were most surprised to end up writing
6) something you would go back and change in your writing that it’s too late/complicated to change now
7) when asked, are you embarrassed or enthusiastic to tell people that you write?
8) favorite genre to write
9) what, if anything, do you do for inspiration?
10) write in silence or with background noise? with people or alone?
11) what aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing?
12) your weaknesses as an author
13) your strengths as an author
14) do you make playlists for your current wips?
15) why did you start writing?
16) are there any characters who haunt you?
17) if you could give your fledgling author self any advice, what would it be?
18) were there any works you read that affected you so much that it influenced your writing style? what were they?
19) when it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?
20) do you write in long sit-down sessions or in little spurts?
21) what do you think when you read over your older work?
22) are there any subjects that make you uncomfortable to write?
23) any obscure life experiences that you feel have helped your writing?
24) have you ever become an expert on something you previously knew nothing about, in order to better a scene or a story?
25) copy/paste a few sentences or a short paragraph that you’re particularly proud of
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Y’all I’ve been craving some angst so my next work is gonna be my first reaction and may or may not break some hearts-
#why must i be like this#like seriously#who tf decides to write one of the most heartbreaking reactions they've ever made#when THEY LITERALLY HAVE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH THEIR OWN DEPRESSION
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FanFic Ask Game
A: How did you come up with the title to [insert fic]?
B: Any of your stories inspired by personal experience?
C: What character do you identify with most?
D: Is there a song or a playlist to associate with [insert fic]?
E: If you wrote a sequel to [insert fic], what would it be about?
F: Share a snippet from one of your favourite dialogue scenes you've written and explain why you're proud of it.
G: Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order?
H: How would you describe your style?
I: Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)?
J: Write or describe an alternative ending to [insert fic].
K: What's the angstiest idea you've ever come up with?
L: How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting?
M: Got any premises on the back burner that you'd care to share?
N: Is there a fic you wish someone else would write (or finish) for you?
O: How do you begin a story—with the plot, or the characters?
P: Are you what George R. R. Martin would call an "architect" or a "gardener"? (How much do you plan in advance, versus letting the storu unfold as you go?)
Q: How do you feel about collaborations?
R: Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence?
S: Any fandom tropes you can't resist?
T: Any fandom tropes you can't stand?
U: Share three of your favourite fic writers and why you like them so much.
V: If you could write the sequel (or prequel) to any fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose?
W: Do you like more general prompts, or more specific ones?
X: A character you enjoy making suffer.
Y: A character you want to protect.
Z: Major character death—do you ever write/read it? Is there a character whose death you can't tolerate?
Transcribed from @stylinbreeze60's post.
Feel free to send me a letter(s) (or any question really! xD)
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Good Morning Love
GAH SORRY I DISAPPEARED GUYS. I JUST STARTED A NEW JOB AND I’M WORKING FULL-TIME AND USUALLY BARELY HAVE ANY ENERGY TO FUNCTION! But here is a little bit of a short fluffy San x Reader oneshot for y’all. It’s not the best, I know, but I hope you’ll enjoy it!
Warnings: NONE. It’s honestly super fluffy and based off a dream I had a while ago. Maybe a cringe warning?
Words: 993 (very very short ;-;)
It was days like this you loved the most. Soft fresh sheets feeling like clouds against your skin, a spring breeze through an open window blowing the curtains into a majestic dance, soft breathes hitting the back of your neck sending chills down your spine. Honestly, life couldn’t be more perfect.
You turn over on your side, your lover’s eyes already open and a gentle smile gracing his face. His hair is a mess and his chest is bare. Clear signs he’s only just woken up. San reaches out gently to move your own mess of hair out of your face, stroking your cheek gently. A soft giggle escapes you.
Keep reading
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Good Morning Love
GAH SORRY I DISAPPEARED GUYS. I JUST STARTED A NEW JOB AND I’M WORKING FULL-TIME AND USUALLY BARELY HAVE ANY ENERGY TO FUNCTION! But here is a little bit of a short fluffy San x Reader oneshot for y’all. It’s not the best, I know, but I hope you’ll enjoy it!
Warnings: NONE. It’s honestly super fluffy and based off a dream I had a while ago. Maybe a cringe warning?
Words: 993 (very very short ;-;)
It was days like this you loved the most. Soft fresh sheets feeling like clouds against your skin, a spring breeze through an open window blowing the curtains into a majestic dance, soft breathes hitting the back of your neck sending chills down your spine. Honestly, life couldn’t be more perfect.
You turn over on your side, your lover's eyes already open and a gentle smile gracing his face. His hair is a mess and his chest is bare. Clear signs he’s only just woken up. San reaches out gently to move your own mess of hair out of your face, stroking your cheek gently. A soft giggle escapes you.
“What is it, love?” San says, a slight rasp in his voice and his cute accent causing an even bigger smile to break out across your face.
“How long have you been watching me sleep Choi San?” you whisper, your own voice sore from the snoring that you had woken yourself up with.
“Hmmm.” San props his head up with one hand, bringing his other one that had been stroking your side to his chin to feign thinking. Rolling your eyes, you gently push his chest, which he predicts you’ll do as he catches your hand in his and brings it to his lips. “Long enough to realize some things.” He kisses each knuckle, smiling at the blush that crosses your face.
“A-and what w-would that be?” you stutter, suddenly all too aware of the distance (or lack of) between you both. A twin-sized bed doesn’t leave much room for a 21 and 22-year-old to share. Especially since your legs are a tangled mess beneath the warm comforter.
“Firstly, you are the most beautiful and adorable young woman I’ve ever met,” he states, smirking as your blush increases as he grabs your other hand, laughing as he gives it the same treatment as the first. “And secondly, love, is that I love how you snore and sleep-talk every morning just before you wake up.”
Your eyes widen, blush intensifying as you hide your face in his warm chest as you swat his shoulder. San at this point is cackling, squeezing you tightly in his embrace before kissing the top of your head.
“Shut up Choi San. You snore just as much,” you mumble, words muffled by his trembling body as he calms himself, pulling back slightly to look at you with an eyebrow raised.
“Oh really? At least I don’t switch languages mid-sentence,” he smirks, causing you to blush even more. And what he says next almost melts you as he leans in to whisper in your ear. “and certainly don’t moan nearly as much as you.”
At this information, you squeal, turning away from San while burying your face in your hands. San knows that you usually don’t remember your dreams, so your moans could’ve been from several things including just stretching out in your sleep. “That’s it. We’re breaking up because I hate you.”
“No!” San exclaims, pulling you flush against his chest as you struggle to get away, giggling and squealing as he begins peppering soft kisses across your neck. “You can’t leave me! I won’t let you!”
“San! Stop it!” At this point, he’s also begun tickling your sides while pillows are strewn across the room from your attempts to get away. San joins in your laughter, shaking his head.
“Not until you say you’ll never ever break up with me!” San exclaims, hands tickling right below your arms, continuing his assault of kisses on your neck.
“Fine FINE! I YIELD! I WON’T BREAK UP WITH YOU!” you gasp out, collapsing once San stops tickling you. “That was cheating.”
“All is fair in love and war, love,” San states, continuing to gently kiss your neck before moving to your shoulder. He has returned to rubbing your sides, stopping occasionally to massage areas that have any tightness. You’re in complete bliss but refuse to allow your boyfriend the satisfaction of victory this easily.
“Is that so?” you question, a smirk gracing your face before you quickly turn around, climbing on top of San and straddling his hips as you begin tickling him with icy hands. His laughter fills the room, and you bask in the feeling of triumph for the short amount of time you have him pinned. But it’s over before you even have a chance to truly enjoy the new sensation.
San flips you both, pinning both of your hands above your head as he pants above you. He smirks slightly because you’ve begun blushing again, avoiding his gaze. Raising an eyebrow, he moves to hold both of your hands in one of his and uses the other to lift your chin towards him. As soon as your eyes meet, he smiles dimples poking out and eyes turning into crescents.
“What?” you question, giggling as he showers your face with kisses before pecking your lips.
“You know we’ve been dating for over a year, and you still act like this is the first time we’ve ever been together?” he questions, giggling before looking at you again. “It just reminds me how much I love you.”
At this, he pulls you into a deeper kiss, lips moving against yours gently as his hand strokes down your side to squeeze your hips. He pulls away smiling brightly at you with his eyes shining slightly.
“I love you too, cheeseball.” you mutter, smiling at your dork of a boyfriend. He giggles before collapsing on top of you, sneaking his arms under you as you wrap yours around his neck, feeling his warm breath against your skin as he nuzzles into your neck. Both your heartbeats have synchronized, breathing steadying as you fall asleep again.
Mornings like this are your favorite because they are filled with unconditional and innocent love that blossoms from your complicated and messy but beautiful relationship. Because that’s what you and San are. Messy, complicated, and beautiful people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I must cleanse myself of the heavy amounts of cringe I put myself and all of you through. ALSO. I AM WORKING ON A PROJECT AND IF ENOUGH PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED I MIGHT MAKE A TINY TEASER TO IT.
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So I just started a new job and will be posting when I can, but I am a full-time employee so I'm sorry ;-;
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Reaching Out
SEE! SOMETHING OTHER THAN SMUT. Also this one is old and a bit dusty, sooooo warnings are gonna be to the best of my ability. ALSO. THIS IS ANGST AND HAS TRIGGERING THEMES. PLEASE SCROLL PAST IF THE WARNINGS ARE DISTRESSING TO YOU. I wrote this during a really difficult day and was just word vomiting tbh. I am also gonna state that this is a work of fiction and I am in no way a therapist or anything, so if something here bothers you I’m sorry this is just something I wrote mostly for myself.
Warnings: god this is painful but here we go. Reader is depressed and has anxiety, mentions of self-inflicted injuries (she punches a mirror…repeatedly-), blood, panic attacks, it takes a few of the members to restrain the reader so if you’re uncomfortable with that please don’t read this, this is honestly just a hard read imo so please read with care. Also, the reader hates herself and just doesn’t really think highly of herself at all sooooo yeah-
It was the fourth time this month. The fourth argument that could’ve and should’ve ended differently.
You’d come out of your room to find San off at practice or on some work related schedule, spend the entire day outside trying to break a horrible cycle in your mind, just to disappear again once he returned home. It was frustrating you both and causing a serious strain in your relationship.
Keep reading
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Reaching Out
SEE! SOMETHING OTHER THAN SMUT. Also this one is old and a bit dusty, sooooo warnings are gonna be to the best of my ability. ALSO. THIS IS ANGST AND HAS TRIGGERING THEMES. PLEASE SCROLL PAST IF THE WARNINGS ARE DISTRESSING TO YOU. I wrote this during a really difficult day and was just word vomiting tbh. I am also gonna state that this is a work of fiction and I am in no way a therapist or anything, so if something here bothers you I’m sorry this is just something I wrote mostly for myself.
Warnings: god this is painful but here we go. Reader is depressed and has anxiety, mentions of self-inflicted injuries (she punches a mirror...repeatedly-), blood, panic attacks, it takes a few of the members to restrain the reader so if you’re uncomfortable with that please don’t read this, this is honestly just a hard read imo so please read with care. Also, the reader hates herself and just doesn’t really think highly of herself at all sooooo yeah-
It was the fourth time this month. The fourth argument that could’ve and should’ve ended differently.
You’d come out of your room to find San off at practice or on some work related schedule, spend the entire day outside trying to break a horrible cycle in your mind, just to disappear again once he returned home. It was frustrating you both and causing a serious strain in your relationship.
On San’s side, he couldn’t understand why it was that you would fight against him trying to get you to come out of your room when you spent the entire day alone. Then there was his frustration when you would complain about never seeing him and yet would disappear and avoid him when he was available. To San, it didn’t make any sense. All he wanted to do was spend time with you and support you, but it seemed as though you were determined to shut him out. He watches you storm off to your bedroom, running a hand through his hair as he tries to recall the last time he’d come back from a schedule and had a nice quiet evening that didn’t end in you both screaming at each other. When he can’t, San grabs his jacket and walks out of the apartment with his phone and keys, planning on spending the night at the dorms so that you can have some space to cool off. Once he gets in his car, he quickly dials Hongjoong’s number, pulling out of the parking garage of your complex and letting out all of his frustrations and concerns.
As he drove, San had no way of knowing how much you hated yourself for what was happening between you both.
What San didn’t know was that your depression and anxiety had been spiraling lately due to the pressure that had been placed on your shoulders from not only your work but from being the girlfriend of an idol that had become so famous. He didn’t know that every day you were terrified that, now that his future was so bright and secure, he’d no longer want you. That he’d leave you just like so many before had done, and that he’d realize you were no longer something of use to him. And finally, how you criticize every minute of your life, finding ways that you are failing even when you’ve done nothing but your best. It came to the point that waking up from dreams was physically painful, because you could control a dream and guarantee the people you love never turned their backs on you. San didn’t, or rather, couldn’t know this. Because to know this would mean you would have to tell him. And no one should have to bear this burden but you, and there was always that small part of you that was terrified of having your feelings invalidated.
Your whole life people have toyed with you, accepting your depression only when it was convenient to them and berating you once the curtains fall. Some even went as far as to weaponize your emotions, tearing you down in an argument with something that was the equivalent to the beating heart in your chest. Yes they would apologize and you would eventually forgive them because people make mistakes. But the thing about words is that once they leave someone’s mouth, the damage is already done and there’s no amount of remorse or forgiveness that can repair it. That’s where you are now.
You slam the door shut, leaving all the lights in your room turned off, your head pounding after the screaming match you and San had just finished (rather, you ran out on and barricaded the door so he wouldn’t see you cry) and your face stained with tears. Not a sound left you as you curled up on the bed, biting your fist as a punishment for your body's betrayal of emotions. All it would take was one minute of silence and the entire apartment would be able to hear how you were feeling. In all honesty, you didn’t want San to see you cry. Because in your mind, you didn’t deserve to cry. You were the one who picked a fight. You're the one who made unfair accusations, using his career and passions as weapons against him. You were the one that hurt him in the same ways that had been done to you, falsely claiming that it was to “beat him to it and strike first.”
The front door slams shut, and you work quickly. You unbarricade the door and peek out, making sure no one is there. Dashing across the living space, you reach the spare bedroom and lock the door, not seeing the need for such extreme measures as earlier. You then sit with your back to the door, listening for the sign of San’s safe return from the store. Your butt has just about gone numb when this occurs, the front door shutting softly alerting you instantly. You rise from your position, albeit a little slowly due to your cramped muscles, and shuffle to the bed. A knock sounds, and a decision has to be made.
“Y/N? I know you’re awake. Can you come to bed? You and I both know that neither of us can sleep alone anymore.” San mumbles through the door. You hear shuffling, and you hold your breath thinking he might unlock the door. You’re not sure though, whether you’re holding your breath in hope or fear. But all you hear is a thud, indicating San sitting down. “Look, we don’t have to talk. You don’t even need to look at me, it just feels better for both of us if I’m holding you through the night, because at the end of the day, we still love each other, right?”
San’s cheeks are marked with tear streaks, eyes red and puffy as he waits for any sign of confirmation from you. He loves you more than anything else, so much so that he’d give up everything for you, and needed to hear that you still loved him as well. He holds his breath, hands covering his face while he waits for you to show him a sign that you’re even listening. That you’re even there.
You tip-toe over to the door, gently crouching down in front of it and rest your fingertips lightly on the wood, near where his shoulder is supposed to be. It’s cold and unyielding, but this is the bravest you’ll ever be. You hear a sigh on the other side, almost as if he can sense your presence.
“You know, you don’t have to keep it all in. From the first moment I saw you, I knew that there was so much going on in your life that it’d take time to get you to trust me. And I still want that. I want to know what’s going on in your life again. I want to hold you as you're crying again. And I want to repay you for all the times you’ve helped me.” San whispers, his voice showing how much of a toll this has taken on him. “I know a lot has changed, I travel a lot, and it’s harder for us to go anywhere without me being recognized. But I promise you that my feelings for you, the amount of love I feel for you, it’s all still there. If anything, I love you even more now than before. I don’t want to lose you Y/N. I want to keep fighting for us and I just need you to reach out to me, show me you want this too. Open the door, even if it’s just a crack, and let me help heal those open wounds. Yes there will be scars and yes it will take time, but I’m willing to wait.”
At this point you have tears streaming down your face as you withdraw your hand. You don’t move though, despite your broken mind willing you to do so, you stay rooted in your spot. Sniffles break through the other side, showing how much San is hurting. You feel as though there’s a war going on inside of you, your heart begging you to open the door and stop this madness, but your mind resolute on keeping this wall up.
“I. Can’t.” you croak out, bringing your trembling hand to your lips and nibbling your thumbnail as you rise slowly. “They were right, I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve you.”
“What? Who told you that?” San questions, confusion swirling in his head as he struggles to better understand where this was coming from. Standing, San presses his hands to the door, trying to open it only to find it locked. “Love, talk to me.”
“All I’ve been doing is hurting you, and I’m sorry. ” You whimper, your mind screaming at you to shut-up and not give away anything while your heart, your very being, is begging to be set free and allow him back in. “I, I love you, San.” And with that you rise, walking towards the bathroom attached to the room. You close the door, locking it and turning to the mirror to see your disheveled state. Tears stain your cheeks, your eyes have bags under them, and your hair is greasy and a mess from the lack of effort on your part to take care of yourself.
Thoughts swirl and distort your reflection, harsh words clouding your mind. Some of the words surface from your past, some are from deep within you stemming from your lack of forgiveness for yourself. You don’t deserve forgiveness or a second chance. You don’t deserve him caring for you. You’re toxic. You do nothing but hurt him. Toxic. Toxic.
You start screaming, starting in your gut and ripping out through your mouth, scaring the shit out of San who begins pounding on the door. You hear him calling out to you, but it’s muffled in your head as you continue to sob and scream at your reflection, running your hands through your hair before tugging on it out of frustration. The longer you look at yourself, the worse the feeling in your gut gets as the harsh words continue to tear you apart, worsening with each passing moment. With one last scream you pull your arm back and punch the mirror, desperate to feel something other than the all consuming self-hatred. And it works.
There’s a crack on the mirror with droplets of blood in the center. You bring your trembling hand into view, noticing your knuckles slightly bloodied and cut. The pain replaces all of the noise in your head, if only for a moment, and you become entranced by it. Raising your fist again, you punch the mirror once, twice, three more times before stopping to look at your handy work. The crack has grown and your hand is bleeding steadily, a couple of pieces of glass stuck in your knuckles. You’re ashamed of what and who you’ve become and raise your fist again when the door breaks down.
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!” San shouts, restraining your flailing and screaming form as tears stream down your face. Four pairs of hands are pulling you out of the bathroom, with San’s arms wrapped tightly around your waist as he pulls you on the bed. He immediately starts shushing you, whispering into your hair as he wraps his legs around you as well, restricting you so the others can clean you up and call an ambulance if need be. At this point though, he doesn’t need to as you’ve gone completely limp, sobbing into his neck loudly as the emotions you’ve kept hidden flood out in a wave that swallows you whole. “Shh baby, it’s okay. We’re here now and we’re not leaving you. I’ve got you, we’ve got you. It’s okay, it’s okay.” His voice is trembling, absolutely terrified by what he’s just experienced. It’s lucky that Hongjoong, Yunho, and Seonghwa arrived when they did or he might have been too late, having planned on coming to help San piece back together your relationship. It took Yunho and Seonghwa to break down the doors, and all four of them carried you out of the bathroom so you wouldn’t hurt yourself or them.
Soon, you run out of energy and are left whimpering and quivering in San’s hold, slowly coming to your senses as you hear running water, hushed murmurs, and the cabinet mirror (or what’s left of it) being opened in search of something. When the realization sets in that San, Hongjoong, Seonghwa, and Yunho have seen you at your worst, your chest tightens and your breathing becomes irregular which are the first signs of a panic attack. Something San was familiar with but hadn’t seen happen in some time.
“No no no no.” San repeats, noticing the changes in your behavior and looking towards the bathroom. “Hongjoong! It’s getting worse!”
Immediately, footsteps can be heard heading in your direction, and a gentle face appears in the corner of your eye. Hongjoong slowly reaches forward, grasping the hand that had begun curling in on itself to the point of almost drawing blood and pulling it away from your chest.
“Sweetie, grab my hand and squeeze that instead. You won’t hurt me, I swear.” Hongjoong whispers, slowly working his nimble fingers between your clenched ones. It comes as a surprise to him when, instead of resisting, your hand flies open into a rigid position. “Shh… it’s okay sweet-heart. How about this. Follow this.”
Your hand is placed on a firm and warm chest, a slight bump hitting your palm and drawing your attention to the pattern. It’s his heartbeat. Hongjoong’s pulse creates a rhythm in your head, distracting you from your fears and disdain towards yourself momentarily while Seonghwa and Yunho both return to the room, one holding medical supplies and the other holding a bowl with warm water and a towel. Crouching in front of you, Seonghwa notices the hand on Hongjoong’s chest is the one that’s injured, glancing at San who is fighting back tears as he strokes your hair.
“Y/n-ah. We have to clean your hand. Put your hand on San’s chest, follow his heartbeat.” Seonghwa says in a firm yet kind tone. At this point, you’ve lost almost all self-awareness, too exhausted to fight anyone as you nod partially, removing your hand from Hongjoong’s chest to place on San’s. “No sweetie. The other hand.” Seonghwa instructs, a heartbroken smile crossing his face at the sight of you behaving like a toddler who skipped their nap. You look confused, bringing your hand to your face to inspect it, finding the streaks of blood and bits of glass as a few tears trickle down your face.
You’re not sure how long it takes for Seonghwa to properly clean your hands, or when you got changed into one of San’s shirts that fits like a dress, but as you’re lied down on the bed with San, who’s watching you intently to make sure any slight changes on your face are caught immediately, you find yourself in an almost numbed mind-frame. Too exhausted and confused to comprehend anything around you.
Your eyes slowly close, the occasional tear slipping out only to be swiped gently away by San. San, the last thing you see before you fall into a dreamless sleep. And you are blissfully unaware of what’s to come in the morning.
As you snore softly in San’s grasp, your chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm, Yunho leaves the room to clean up the mess that has been left behind with Seonghwa following closely behind, most likely to comfort the younger boy. Hongjoong reaches forward to brush hair out your eyes and slowly strokes your cheek. Who knew such a small body could take this much pain? he wonders to himself, not even beginning to understand what caused you to struggle so much and break down so devastatingly. And that’s the only way to describe your attack. Devastating.
Like a tsunami, you receded from social outings and even your true love San, and once they realized what was happening and why you’d “changed” the wave had already hit. But his main question was voiced by San.
“Hyung.” San rasps out, looking up at Hongjoong with tears streaming down his face. “Why-or how did this happen? What caused this? What are we-what am I supposed to do?”
San’s breathing becomes labored, almost as if the weight of the situation has sat fully on his chest. He chokes on a sob, looking at you in your angelic state while pressing a gentle and wet kiss to the top of your head while crying. He clutches you to his chest, rocking slightly and burying his face in your head. Hongjoong panics, thinking he’ll wake you but settles once realizing how exhausted you must be. “Why would she keep this from me?”
“San-ah, I honestly don’t have the answer to that.” Hongjoong mumbles, holding his own tears back with a few deep breaths before looking at the pair of you. He honestly considered Ateez his family, and you became his little sister that he felt he needed to protect from the world. If only he’d realized sooner how much damage the world had already done to you. “But I do know one thing. Now more than ever, she needs us.”
San looks at his hyung and leader, absolutely wrecked from the storm of emotions that flowed between you two. “How?” he croaks out.
“I’m not sure. But what I do know is that the storm hasn’t gone and that this is only the beginning of our journey.” Hongjoong places a hand on your cheek and his other on San’s hand, squeezing slightly in hopes of reassuring the younger boy. “I see how much you need her San. And how much she needs you. She’s scared San. More so than any of us right now. Which is why we have to stay with her no matter what. No matter what she might say or do to scare us off, we have to fight through it all and show her we are here for her. Because if we don’t.” Hongjoong’s voice cracks, revealing his true emotions and the toll this whole ordeal has taken on him. “We might lose her forever.”
San sits quietly, shaking slightly from the silent tears that are being shed and pulling you closer to his chest if that was even possible, crying himself into a slumber much like you did moments prior. Hongjoong rises, tucking both of you in like he would an upset child, and walking into the bathroom. The scene that awaits him is what finally breaks his own dam of tears, collapsing next to Seonghwa and Yunho who are both crouched down. They’ve hunched over, scrubbing the white tiles of your blood and throwing glass shards away in a paper bag. Upon noticing Hongjoong, Yunho drops what’s in his hands, embracing his leader and best friend. His tears fall as well, the sight of someone as strong as Hongjoong breaking down terrifying him.
Seonghwa wipes the few stray tears before rising, quickly finishing the task of cleaning before ushering the two broken boys out of the room. He sits Hongjoon and Yunho down, pulling out a paper and pen and titling it “Y/n’s Healing.”
“We’ll make a plan, and take this journey one step at a time. Until Y/n’s finally healed.” Seonghwa states, immediately writing steps and plans he’s already come up with in his head. And so the journey begins.
#ateez angst#san angst#choi san angst#san x reader#hongjoong angst#kim hongjoong angst#hongjoong x reader#seonghwa angst#park seonghwa angst#seonghwa x reader#yunho angst#jeong yunho angst#yunho x reader#ateez x reader#tw: depression#tw: self harm
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Working on a heartbreaking work that’s a bit dusty, but I hope you guys like it! PREPARE FOR TEARS
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I have had such bad writers block this week that even editing previous works didn’t look promising. SORRY
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