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saamanthaaaxx · 2 years

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Absolutely floored once again 🥰

Defy Your Authority: Chapter 6

Read on AO3. Part 5 here.

Summary: It's not so much like cracking an egg as it is like cracking a huge steel-reinforced boulder.

Words: 4000

Warnings: feewings

Characters: Kylo Ren x Reader

A/N: Firstly: Thank you to @bastillia, my second set of Kylo eyes, for advising and betaing this chapter.

Hey, so... remember that time I was writing this? Okay, well, look forward to another chapter next year. LMAO

I kid, I kid. I mean, no guarantees, but I felt the desire to write, so I thought I'd hop on it. I'm just doing whatever I want with this, so I hope you enjoy it.

The past year and a half has been crazy for me, y'all! I got a new job, left the job, got another new job, began the long road of recovery from a 15-year abusive relationship, started dating an extremely cool and beautiful woman... So, it's going pretty well, I'd say!

I hope all of you are doing well, too. Please know, again, I've appreciated every single kind thought, comment, encouragement, anything. It's really because of y'all I could feel in any way safe to return to writing in any regard.

Thank you so very very much. Love y'all. <3

Beyond the transparisteel viewport, space was an opaque, ebony fog, floating in infinite swirls too complex to comprehend. Such comprehension was suitable for say, Orinda—the now barren outpost abandoned to the stars, a mere wink of dust. You sighed, nestling your face into the pillow, gazing into the galaxy. Maybe the Force affected you too, maybe it had wrangled you back to the Steadfast with new and eager purpose.

After all, the last time you’d woken up, you hadn’t predicted that you’d next fall asleep in Kylo Ren’s bed.

But if you had predicted it, you would’ve at least planned for him to be in it.

After thoroughly railing your brains onto the floor and all over his throne, he’d given you the location to his quarters and sent you on your way with a parting kiss. You’d clung to that kiss like an oxygen tank in space—allowed it to walk you to his quarters and tuck you into bed. And maybe you’d expected to feel him slipping in behind you mid-sleep, and maybe you’d dreamed of awakening in his arms.

Grumbling, you rolled out of bed, tossing the sheets off of your body. It made sense; Kylo had been insanely busy as Commander. You’d rarely known him to get more than a few solid hours of sleep at once. As Supreme Leader, you wondered if he slept at all. Another sigh tried to worm its way free, and you shrugged it away, throwing on the only uniform you had on board (yet another complication of your home blowing up—for the second time).

Worrying about your—your, uh… what was he? Lover? Partner? Boyfriend?

You blushed at the thought of calling Kylo Ren your boyfriend. You shook your head.

Worrying about your fucklord would come later. You had a General to report to.

You navigated through the Supreme Leader’s large, insanely white quarters and into the halls of the Steadfast. This time, you hadn’t spent any energy exploring or digging into his privacy. Of course, you respected him and whatever, but you’d also just been too fucking tired. Brains railed out, and all that.

This fact continued to ail you the entire journey toward the command center. It’d been four months without anything larger than your fingers inside your cunt, and your body seemed excited to remind you with each step. Luckily, by the time you made it to the center, your limp had subsided.

As you entered, you spied Hux hovering over one of the computer terminals, badgering an officer about whatever was on the screen. Steeling yourself, you marched up to him, chest out, chin tilted toward the ceiling. When he apparently neglected to heed his peripheral vision, you cleared your throat.

“General, sir.”

“Report, Lieutenant,” he replied, not bothering to look at you.

If nothing else, he was predictable.

“Regarding our discussion yesterday,” you said. “The TIE project.” He continued to study the screen, so you continued to speak. “The Supreme Leader approved it.”

Like you’d activated his Smarm Protocol, Hux rose and faced you, a smirk smearing his face. “Did he,” he said, eyeing your hickeys. “A surprising turn of events.” Before he could provide you with an opportunity to smarm back, he pulled out his data pad, entering something. “I’m approving your access to the expense reports and the most recent performance analyses of the primary TIE fleet.”

“Right,” you said, as if you woke up every morning reading expense reports.

“The First Order needs to lift the basic TIE unit out of obsolescence. Your job is to identify the inadequacies of the main fleet and provide a solution while staying within budget parameters,” he said. “I don’t particularly care how you do it, as long as it’s done. Quickly.”

“Yes, sir.” You had no idea how you’d do that, but you’d worry about that later. “So, would you want me to prepare a written report, or like…”

Hux’s lip curled. “Certainly a former Chief Operations Officer wouldn’t be asking me how to perform her job.”

“All right then, sir, have a great day.” You forced a smile and flicked a salute in his direction before spinning on your heel and striding out of the center.

A new sigh escaped you as you entered the hall, this time in relief. The excitement of a challenge and distraction from grief bubbled in your chest; plus, you welcomed a break from the silencer and all of its drama. You’d never been tasked with a project this broad, but you figured your next logical step would be to head to the primary fleet bay—typically the largest bay on any Star Destroyer—and survey the engineers there. They’d have far better insight than you could gather by reading.

You entered the hangar, scanning the officers for someone who looked to have empty hands and a patient ear. Most appeared occupied, faces glued to their terminals, or otherwise consumed by a half-functioning ship. You frowned. It wasn’t your dream to interrupt a total stranger and quiz them about issues above their pay grade. If the Supreme Council had been any indication, the higher-ups weren’t inclined toward feedback.

Taking a stroll around the perimeter, you’d resigned yourself to picking on one of the least-solemn-looking engineers, since everyone seemed too busy to look you in the eye. As you approached, you peered beyond them to the next terminal. Crowded around the screen were two familiar bodies, each capped with a blonde head of hair.

It had only been four months. But the past couple of days had reduced your resolve to its roots.

“Holy shit.” You moved toward them, faster with each step. “Holy shit!” Heart soaring, you eschewed workplace etiquette. “Holy shit!” you cried. “Sam! Minks!”

They both turned, opening toward you, faces screwed with confusion until their eyes and ears met their memories, and they realized simultaneously that they hadn’t hallucinated. Minks’ face lit up like a nova, and she squealed, leaping toward you and tackling you in a hug. You laughed, wrapping her in your arms, joy glowing in your chest. Then two arms encircled the both of you, and you smiled, looping Sam into the group.

You stuffed the urge to cry. But your eyes were wet anyway.

It was a few moments in the group embrace before the three of you parted, the rest of the bay shooting irritated glances in your direction. Ignoring them, you exhaled with a grin, hands on your hips, giving them each the once-over. Astoundingly, they had changed very little in the four months you’d been apart.

“So?” Minks’ excitement vibrated in the air. “What are you doing here?”

“Yeah, we thought you were being a big shot somewhere!”

Your neck warmed. “Well, uh.” Maybe you wouldn’t start off your reunion by announcing the decimation of your most recent station and crew. “Hux assigned me to work on this big project to find a way to upgrade-slash-improve the basic TIE units.”

Sam snorted. “The Foes?” he asked, looking at Minks. “He’d be better off just upgrading the entire fleet to the Special Forces.”

“Stars, I know, right?” Minks leaned into Sam with a knowing chuckle. “That model is totally helpless.”

The flicker of affection between them did not go unnoticed. “I don’t disagree,” you said. “But I think they’re looking for a cheaper solution than that.”

“Ah, okay.” Sam shrugged. “Well, I know they were hoping to get rid of the Special Forces model and replace the entire line with silencers.” He rolled his eyes. “That’s going super well.”

You blanched. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, it’s just that almost every single lead engineer on this ship has been asked to figure out the pilot model’s issue. There’s no way they’re going to make more of them until it’s fixed.”

Minks nudged you playfully. “I’m surprised that they haven’t roped you into looking at it!”

“Well…” Warmth crept from your neck to your cheeks. “Actually, that’s why I was brought here in the first place. To look at the silencer.”

“Oh.” Minks’ smile faltered. “Really.”

“Yeah.”

She grimaced. “Ooh…”

Her hesitation made sense. The very last she or Sam knew, you’d been split from the Supreme Asshole since before you’d departed the Finalizer. His plea and your consummation was something you’d kept secret since you’d left. You’d been too afraid to put it to words, as if they would spite you by speaking them aloud.

“... I mean, how is that, is that awkward, or like, y’know—”

“Minks,” Sam chided.

“What?” She frowned, bumping him with her hip. “Friends can ask friends these questions!”

“It’s fine.” Watching them in such easy familiarity revived a whisper of that fear. “We. Uh. We got back together? Before I left?”

Both of them stalled, gaping at you like you’d just spun your head in a circle.

“Really,” she said, her voice dropping to a conspiratorial volume. “And you didn’t tell me!”

You offered a wide, embarrassed smile. “I just wasn’t sure how to put it. And then I didn’t hear from you guys for a while, and I got busy, and then I got here, and, y’know…” You rubbed your neck.

Their eyes dropped, noticing the bruises that adorned your throat, and they eased closer together.

“Gotcha.” Minks nodded, her cheeks pink. “Was it weird? Having the Supreme Leader visit you?”

Swallowing, you avoided her gaze. “Uh…” A rock was growing inside your chest. “He didn’t, really.”

She grimaced again. “Oh.”

“Yeah…” He also hadn’t told you he was Supreme Leader. He hadn’t yet explained to you anything that was going on. He hadn’t truly resolved anything with you, it turns out, other than your mutual desire to turn your pussy into a crime scene. “But it’s, uh, it’s fine now.” You cleared your throat, convinced that your words were spiting you already. “You know what was awkward? All those weird scary guys he has following him around. And their weird ugly ship.”

Sam raised an eyebrow. “You mean the Knights of Ren?”

You balked. “The what of what?”

“You know. They’re like his enforcers.”

“Haha, get it?” Minks giggled. “En-Force-ers?”

Sam chuckled, shaking his head.

“Very funny,” you replied, grinning. “But, uh, no. I didn’t know who they were.” Another thing Kylo had failed to tell you.

“Oh, well, they’ve got some sort of Force-thing going on,” Sam said. “But that’s pretty much all anyone knows. They’re not particularly nice guys. We all steer clear of them if we see them.”

The memory of their quarters aboard the Buzzard—the gouged notches in the wall from the bedframe—made you believe that was wise.

“Right.” The rock in your chest was rolling down a hill, collecting anxious moss. You didn’t want any more opportunities to realize how disconnected you were from your fucklord. “Well, it was really great to see you guys, but I need to get started on this project, so…”

“Aww!” Minks frowned, eyes glittering with disappointment. “How long are you staying? Can we get a meal together? Or something?”

“Yeah,” Sam said. “We’ve missed you.”

The gesture soothed your heart. At least your friends wanted you around. And you hadn’t even had to fuck either of them to convince them. You glimpsed Sam for a split second. Recently, anyway.

“Yeah, of course,” you replied. “I’ll be back. I don’t think I’ll be leaving for a bit.” For multiple reasons. “I’ll catch up with you guys soon, okay?”

The three of you clung together in another hug before you released them, bidding them goodbye. Datapad in hand, you made your way to one of the administrative spaces underneath the observation suite and grabbed an open computer terminal. You’d start by reviewing the performance analyses and identify the areas for improvement. And you would absolutely not think about Kylo Ren or how he’d spent the past four months completely omitting you from his life for at least a few hours.

Luckily, your strategy paid off. Dedicating your focus to researching the TIE/fo designs and all of their faults pried away the teeth gnawing at your heart. Working on a project on this scale was like handing your brain a huge ship to fix. It reveled in the opportunity to dissect and solve a problem this complex.

According to your friends, the entire fleet was worthless, and they might have been right. The patterns of failure were consistent—the maneuverability in comparison to Resistance starfighters was embarrassing. At least the TIE/sf models could utilize hyperdrive in a sticky situation. TIE/fo pilots were, frankly, fucked. It made Pryde’s obstinate commitment to maintaining the design seem even more irresponsible than you’d originally gauged.

You remained in the admin room, gathering information and documenting your conclusions past shift-change, only giving yourself a break to gobble a couple of meal bars from the mess hall. For whatever reason, your appetite had crashed since you’d awoken in Kylo’s bed without him. It wasn’t until you felt static fizzing in your skull that you decided to give it a rest.

The thought of returning to his empty quarters didn’t necessarily appeal to you, though the temptation of a shower and a mattress spurred you forward. But between the time you departed the bay and the time you stepped into the refresher, your anxiety had needled itself alive.

Tendrils of it throbbed below your sternum, crawled up your throat, burrowed into your stomach—it was difficult to think, to move, to breathe. In the warm air of the shower, your lungs starved, sucking in breath after breath, attempting to buck the boulder resting on your ribs.

Kylo asked you to stay, you reasoned with yourself. And you knew him to be fiercely protective of his privacy and independence. Still, you felt accepted at arm’s length. He’d avoided your questions. He’d avoided you.

To yearn for his touch, his mouth, his voice—you could bear that. But you withered without his affection, wilted in waiting for the promise of his love.

Shower completed, you turned off the water and wrapped yourself in a spare towel, futilely examining the refresher’s interior. Even if you’d wanted to scrape hints of him from your surroundings, you would’ve come up short. Kylo existed within his quarters as impersonally as a corpse.

Once you’d dried off, you kept yourself covered and waddled out of the refresher, only to stall the second the door shut behind you. Kylo stood at the entrance of his quarters, just arrived. His eyes clung to you like refresher water, sliding down your exposed shoulders and calves.

You folded your arms over your chest, feet curling in on each other. “Uh. Hey…”

Kylo continued to examine you, tempted by the gap in time he’d been able to catch you so exposed. This typically would have resulted in you dropping your towel and asking him what he found so interesting. At this moment though, you worried he wouldn’t find anything interesting at all.

“Sorry,” you said, “I was just going to go to sleep. Are you?” When he didn’t move, you added, “Going to sleep?”

He failed to respond, as if seeing you here had reminded him you’d existed at all. It was one thing to sleep over in his bed after fighting and fucking and making up. It was an entirely new other for you to share his space, insert yourself into his life. The reality of your permanency soaked the both of you like a storm. By inviting you here, he had revoked his right to hide.

Mired in insecurity, the air staled. You thought of Sam and Minks, their easy intimacy at the bay. There was nothing easy about Kylo Ren.

But maybe you were a masochist.

That was exactly what you wanted.

“Well.” You shrugged, blowing out air in a lip-trill. “I’m going to go lie down.”

You made your way to his bed, the weight of his stare like an anchor on your back. He followed, trailing behind you as you slunk naked into bed, flipping around to watch him from under the blankets. By the time he caught up with you, he’d removed his cape—the barest concession that he was considering your invitation.

Gazing at him, your chest ached. You didn’t know how you defined him. You wondered how he defined you.

Kylo broke away, glancing at the floor as he removed his padded outer-armor. Once he’d placed it to the side, he paused, attention running across your figure in his bed. A slight exhale escaped his nose, and he sat at the edge of the bed, peering at you from over his shoulder, his eyes a mirror of the stars—just as complex, just as infinite. But for once, he was not beyond your comprehension. For once, you read his mind as easily as a page.

Keeping his focus, you shifted, reached forward to lift his arm from his side. He watched you, darting between your face and your hands, like a trembling beast in a steel-jaw trap. You drew in a breath and pinched the end of his glove, holding the air as you peeled the leather to the floor. When he didn’t move, you switched to the next arm. The beast remained still, his jaw tense and pupils wide, waiting to see if you would pry the trap open and free his bleeding limb. Holding another breath, you held his wrist and pulled the second glove off, too.

Your mouth was dry. You folded both of your hands over his one. “Lie down,” you said. “Come to bed.”

Kylo endured your stare for only a second, choosing to study the floor instead.

The anxiety that had festered since you’d awoken swelled, cracked your ribs. The reality of your situation consumed you. Maybe the emotional distance between you now was too great—too great by his intent. Maybe he’d never need the closeness you needed from him. Maybe this was it, maybe you’d both admit it simply wouldn’t work and your four months of yearning had been for nothing. Maybe the fact of the matter was Kylo Ren was a galactic superpower, and you’d been doomed from the moment you’d met him.

Tears, unsurprisingly, stung you. You sniffled, shuddering, clutching his hand like it was the last time you’d hold it.

Kylo stiffened. His gaze drifted to yours. He was the beast again, wounds weeping on display.

“I’m sorry,” you began, and then cleared your throat. “I mean, I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry for crying. I’m just scared.” You bit your lip. “I know you asked me to stay. I know you told me how you felt. But you also told me how I won’t be close to you again anytime soon, or maybe ever, and you push me away, and you don’t tell me anything about you or anything about what’s going on, and I don’t know what our relationship is, and I’m here all by myself and I’m happy to sleep in your bed but I really just, I don’t know, I want to know what’s going on.” The tears you weren’t sorry for dripped onto his sheets. “Tell me why you’ve been avoiding me. Please.”

You gripped his fingers, but he pulled away. That same hand cupped your face, strong thumb swiping the wetness from your cheeks. Kylo swallowed, glimpsing his feet again before releasing you and starting to take off his boots.

“You needed to be safe.” Once his boots were discarded, he stood, working on his ribbed under-armor. “Orinda was far away from danger.” Rippling muscle revealed itself as he tossed it to the side. “Now Orinda is destroyed.” His voice tightened. “You could’ve…” With an exhale, he turned away, pushing his pants down his thick, tense thighs, until he was just in his underclothes, and he sat again. “I need you safe.” His eyes wandered. “If you’re near me…”

How could anywhere be safer than here with him? Whatever the answer, it was stuck, like the words had lodged in his throat. Hoping to jostle them free, you grabbed his arm, pulling it toward you.

“Please tell me,” you murmured. “Please.”

Kylo looked to you, to the floor, to the space beyond the viewport. A long breath entered his lungs, and he released it.

“You remember the scavenger.”

Your heart skipped. “Yeah…”

“The Force connects us,” he said. “Allows us to speak to each other as if we’re together in the room.” His brow furrowed. “You have no protection against her. If she somehow saw you...” The words stuck again, but he forced them out. “You’re vulnerable.”

“Wait, you serious?” You wanted to be grateful for this admission. But all you could think about was how another woman knew more about him than you did. “You’re connected with her? Through the Force?”

Kylo grumbled, his eye twitching. “She is nothing to me.”

You shrugged. “I kind of feel that way, too.”

“You’re wrong.”

“But…”

His nostrils flared. His shoulders bunched, ready to launch him from the bed.

Honestly, you didn’t know anything about the Force, or how it worked, or what it meant to be connected to someone through it. What you wanted was to feel important—and by offering this, you knew he was giving you that, knew how hard it had been for him to expose this wire of his system. There were more still to be seen. And that was okay, as long as this distance would disappear.

You sniffled again, hiding your face as a sob broke through. “It’s just hard,” you said. “It’s hard, because if you’ve got this Force-stuff going on with her, then I…” Sighing, you wiped them free. “What am I?”

For a moment, he stared, as if the answer was on his tongue. Then he shifted, lifting the blankets from the bed and slipping underneath them with you. You stiffened, easing away but Kylo’s warmth enveloped you, and then his arms did too.

Heat exploded, skin sizzling skin. You shivered, catching a cry in your throat, coiling yourself around him and burying into his embrace. He swallowed you with the ease of the universe, legs locking with yours, pressing you into his chest like there was nowhere he’d rather you be. Another cry fled you, and you sought to meet every inch of him with one of you, wanting to meld to him, wanting to melt the barrier of your bodies, to meet him millimeters beyond the limits of what flesh allowed.

Though you wept until his breast was wet, if it bothered him, you couldn’t tell. Kylo’s hand cradled your head, his fingers soothing your scalp. As you calmed, his lips found your crown, and then your forehead—and then he guided you back so they could find your own.

You sighed into the kiss, snuggling closer, your mouths moving lazily, tasting the soft security that lingered there.

After a moment, he pulled away, and his forehead rested against yours. “Mine,” he said, finally answering you. “You’re mine.”

Whatever was left of your anxiety evaporated, and you relaxed, nodding. No, you didn’t know everything. But this was promise enough to banish your fear.

“Okay,” you replied, inching closer. A smile snuck onto your face. “I love you, too. Jerk.”

Kylo Ren wasn’t perfect. But he was yours.

#kylo ren fanfiction #kassanovella #fix your attitude #defy your authority #every time I come back to her writing I am absolutely FLOORED #thank you for sharing your writing #I appreciate you Kass and love you so dearly🥰💫💖

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