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Dumai and Nikeya have such "you want me so bad it makes you look stupid" energy.
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Sophocles, from "Electra: A Tragedy," translated by Anne Carson
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Megan Chance, The Spiritualist // Edith Eger, The Choice (Google search results) // Daniel Defoe, Robinson Crusoe // Holly Black // Ariesa Ra // Andrea Bartz, We Were Never Here // J. U. Scribe, Roman Identity // Hannah Harrington
[Requested by @lynnimal]
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Let me imagine that we will come again when we want to and it will be spring - W.S. Merwin
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Something something this bit of dialogue from the Delilah and Laudna conversation in the recent episode after Laudna ran away from the group to avoid hurting Ashton and giving in to Delilah's influence to take the fire crystal...
Laudna: "Ashton hurt Fearne. He hurt us."
Delilah: "Yes. People do that."
Laudna: "Why do you think that I would do the same?"
Delilah: "Because—"
Laudna: "If Ashton cannot learn from this lesson, then shouldn't others? Shouldn't I at least? I already hurt Imogen last time that a sparkly rock got in the way. Why didn't Ashton learn from that? Ashton could've learned from my mistakes."
Something something this bit of dialogue from the Imogen and Laudna confession/kiss back in Ep. 65 when Laudna was so scared of her actions when they were apart...
Laudna: "I don't know if you realize how much of an anchor you are for me. And when you weren't, when you weren't there, I was adrift. And Imogen, when— you make me better, and when you weren't there, I did horrible things. I'm afraid... I'm a bad person, Imogen."
Imogen: "You're not a bad person. You're not a bad person." *interrupting kiss* "I've heard everything inside of you, Laudna. You are not a bad person."
Something something Laudna proving Imogen's assertion through her words and actions even when her anchor isn't there.
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"When is love not pain?"
Laudna's voice was radiating such genuine curiosity and this sense of defeat. The scene absolutely broke me because I 100% relate to her thought process there.
When -is- love not pain? When is loss or betrayal or abandonment -not- the world's answer to you being vulnerable?
Yes, love is such a beautiful thing. The rewards, the warmth, unmatched. But is it inevitable that love will be taken from you? Do you just have to accept the fact that you will sooner or later lose everyone and everything that you care about? Does Imogen have a point when she refuses to accept it?
Laudna has been so adamant about Imogen moving on because her worst fear is that she could end up just like Delilah. Overtaken by grief, not accepting the fate of loss, ready to break the world.
Are you destined to suffer through the pain and fight the urge to put your own grief before your morals for the rest of your life?
When is love not pain?
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sad kiss imodna?
imogen looked for laudna in the reading nook where they’d first met the kid. she’s almost certain she’d find her there—laudna had a habit of poking bruises, and this one was going to sting for a while.
the room was roughly square. a few desks lined the walls; one of those round lights was ensconced above each of them but were dimmed now. beyond the desks was a small maze of bookshelves. imogen moved past them. she did nothing to disguise her approach, the click of her boots against stone, swish of her dress, the mental crackle of her searching mind. the far wall of the room curved slightly—they must be in the base of the tower—and cut out from the grey stone was a door leading to a small balcony. there, just as imogen suspected, stood laudna. hands resting on the balustrade, she stared out across the rapidly darkening city. imogen joined her. they watched together, enraptured, as an energy seemed to flow through the city streets and, one by one, glowing streetlights began to stir like stars in their infancy.
‘she’s alright,’ imogen said eventually. ‘fearne stayed a bit longer to see if she could lure her out but i think she’s done for today.’
‘that’s good,’ laudna said, very quietly. ‘fearne is fun—gwendolyn will feel comfortable with her.’
‘you’re fun too.’
it didn’t reassure as imogen hoped it would. laudna’s smile trembled like the last leaf of autumn, its drop imminent. she said nothing.
it might have been wise to look around for any of their friends, but imogen wasn’t all that bothered if they saw. soon enough, they were going to leave the planet and she had no bets on what would happen after that. here and now, she found she wasn’t that concerned with their friends finding out what they’d suspected since meeting her—that she was in love with laudna, that they were an item, that given half the chance and a moment of peace imogen would give into the urge to step closer to laudna and, hand against her cheek, turn her eyes ever so gently away from the city.
‘can i kiss you?’ she asked.
laudna lifted a hand to press imogen’s, to keep it where it was.
‘you’re trying to distract me.’
‘yeah, i am. is that okay?’
laudna nodded. there was a smudge beneath her eyes where she had wiped black tears. imogen leaned in, touched her lips to laudna’s cheek. it warmed beneath her attention, part blush, part the singe of her own power.
‘imogen…’ disappointment - hope - crept over her name.
she smiled. ‘it’s alright, honey. properly now, i promise.’
imogen stepped closer—close enough that laudna had to retreat, though she seemed disinclined, happy to lean into imogen and wrap around her like ivy. when imogen had her crowded against the corner of the railing, though, laudna tensed. imogen pulled and turned, slotted herself against the stone guard, and drew laudna into her.
laudna came willingly, sweetly. she touched imogen’s face and brought their lips together. the kiss was achingly soft. careful. with every shift—the tremble of her own hands, the press of laudna’s lips against her own, tiny testing kisses—imogen could almost sense the repairs. each kiss a stitch in the rip, a brick in the wall. laudna’s taut strings started to relax. she leaned more heavily into imogen and the cautious fingers on her cheek and shoulder warmed, grew a little more brave.
laudna slid a hand around imogen’s waist. the other buried itself in her hair, stroked at her hairline. it was making imogen shiver—the tickle of it, but also the maddening closeness, laudna wrapped all around her, the dual throb of their minds that agreed close wasn’t close enough, the way her nail scraped against the fine hairs of her neck every few touches and imogen let herself imagine it as she kissed laudna more deeply. imagined a sharp nail cutting her, the wet glide of a finger through blood, laudna’s mouth, sharp teeth, how it would feel to be consumed by her, soul and all.
‘imogen,’ laudna gasped. ‘please—‘
‘anything, anything you want,’
hunger lit in laudna’s eyes, bright and wonderful. it worked as the streetlamps did to illuminate her—the sadness, the relief, the love—and the shadows that lingered were less than they were, but darker for all the light.
‘you were remarkable today,’ laudna said, lips dragging against the corner of imogen’s mouth. she kissed her very sweetly and softly, every ounce of it filled with admiration. ‘you are always remarkable but today—that storm—and flying with you—‘ she scratched gently at imogen’s neck. imogen made a sound high in her throat, a breathy whimper; laudna paused, withdrew. ‘did i do that?’
imogen flushed. ‘you - you’re scratching my neck. it’s nice.’
laudna flexed the hand on the back of imogen’s neck, eyes darting there as if only just realising its placement. ‘oh. may i—kiss you there?’
‘oh fuck. yeah, please.’ imogen gripped onto laudna’s waist and hoped to every god there was that she didn’t seem to bloody desperate, tilting her neck to the side. actually, fuck that, she could be desperate if she wanted. so long as laudna didn’t mind. she didn’t seem to mind. laudna inched closer. she was nearly—but not quite—weightless and the slight pressure pushed imogen further against the railing. the stone pushed into her spine, uncomfortable enough to keep imogen in the here and now, which she hoped would be sufficient to keep her from embarrassing herself. all bets were off as laudna leaned in and, without fanfare, kissed imogen’s neck.
imogen groaned, a funny hitched noise. laudna hummed, intrigued, and swiped her tongue against the same spot. imogen swore.
‘oh gods, laud—‘
‘sorry, should i—‘
‘please, keep goin’. if you want.’ when laudna only kissed her neck again in reply, imogen trembled with relief. she gripped the railing with one hand, leaning heavily to give her girlfriend more space to work, and lost her mind a little to the rising shiver working through her body and laudna’s unending attention, the drag of her lips against her skin, sighs getting warmer almost hot as laudna began to warm up, and she cried out, eyes darting open, when laudna scraped sharp teeth across her pulse. imogen’s knees buckled. her gloves creaked as she grabbed the railing hard. head swimming, she shook in laudna’s embrace, whimpered again.
‘you’re so beautiful,’ laudna whispered. ‘so capable, so powerful, gorgeous,’ she insisted, hungry rasp catching in the back of her throat. ‘imogen, my imogen.’ she mouthed at the taut column of imogen’s neck, down, down to the cracks that split her skin. not many made their way past her neckline but there was one scar that splintered past her clavicle. laudna dipped her head and, arm tightening around Imogen’s waist, dragged her tongue along the line of it.
‘oh fuck!’ a bolt of heat shot through imogen. she groaned low, the sound loud enough that laudna drew back, looking faintly surprised. imogen couldn’t meet her eyes just yet—instead pressing her mind out to make sure no one was close enough to witness their private conversation.
‘imogen? darling?’
‘i- that was -‘ imogen laughed a little. ‘if you keep doing that, i’m gonna lose my mind a bit and we’re gonna need to find a room.’ laudna’s mouth shifted to an understanding oh. ‘yeah. and,’ past her own excitement, imogen could see laudna’s hesitation. ‘i don’t think we’re ready for that just yet.’
laudna flushed prettily. ‘perhaps not,’ she agreed. ‘but that was—‘
‘perfect.’
laudna preened a little, pleased. then her attention turned thoughtful, and amused at the edges. ‘you’re a very good distraction,’ she said, almost laughing. very sweetly, adding, ‘and very kind. thank you, imogen.’
imogen wanted to tell her rather fervently that laudna was welcome to ravish her at any time, but withheld. instead, she reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind laudna’s ear. brushed the golden cuff with a gentle finger.
‘everything good in me, you gave me. you know that?’ laudna looked like she would argue. imogen shook her head. ‘when we met, i was so tired. i saw the worst in everyone and it hurt, all the time. the things i woulda done for a little peace…’ her voice shook. ‘don’t you for a minute think fun scary laudna isn’t the most important person in the world to me. you let me laugh for the first time in years. you made the world feel like a good place again. you - you saved me, laud,’ she said, as she had the last time they were here in Whitestone, though that time the confession had fallen on dead ears. ‘i’m so lucky. to get to have you with me. no matter what happens,’ she said, and drew laudna in for a kiss.
after their activities here, and the heated feeling in her gut and her words, it was not the most gentle kiss they had shared. part of imogen wanted to burn this knowledge into laudna and she kissed like that, hot and fierce. after a moment, laudna made a noise, a low moan, that shot right through her to her core. imogen pulled back, reluctantly. ‘we should - we should find the others.’
laudna frowned severely. ‘i hate them,’ she muttered, lips twitching upwards when imogen burst into laughter. ‘fine.’ laudna’s fingers skittered over imogen’s face, her smile. ‘i shall follow anywhere you lead, my darling.’
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Some are luckier than others. Some get love in abundance, while others crave for a drop from that bottomless ocean.
- Suvrahadip Ghosh, Unfairness of Love
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laudna, who never got to experience love amd relationships the first time around. laudna, who wants imogen (imogen who is beautiful and young and so extraordinary and full of life and potential) to experience what she never did. laudna, who wants imogen to move on if she dies because imogen deserves a happy ending with a white picket fence and 2.1 children. laudna, who is so truly and deeply besotted with imogen that she just wants her to be happy, even if it isn't with her. laudna, who has known loneliness and thirty odd years and doesn't want imogen to go through it like she did.
imogen, who wants to try everything in her power to save laudna because with laudna she's experiencing this love and support and friendship, everything she's wanted since she was a little girl, outcast by her town for being different. imogen, who wants laudna to be able to experience what she never did get before she died, who wants to give laudna everything she has always deserved now that she has a second a third another chance at it. imogen, who wants the happy ending with a white picket fence and 2.1 children with laudna. imogen, who is so truly and deeply besotted with laudna that she is willing to do anything to protect her happiness with her. imogen, who has lived without the music and never wants to again.
imogen and laudna, who have both experienced their fair share of outcasting, isolation and loneliness in their lives. imogen and laudna, who are going to fight tooth and nail to make sure they never have to experience that loneliness ever again. imogen and laudna, who (a little selfishly) are ever so fucking willing to tear their universe apart so that the other will never have to experience that loneliness again. imogen and laudna, who hardly realise they're both trying to do the exact same thing for each other.
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Cynthia Cruz Diagnosis // David Foster Wallace // Olivia Rodrigo lacy // pinterest // Jamie Varon Does The Universe Fight For Souls To Be Together? // Ethel Cain Inbred // Chen Chen Popular Street // Meggie C. Royer Tragedies // Olivia Rodrigo making the bed // @ely-n // Mary Oliver "The Return," What Do We Know: Poems and Prose Poems // Meg Day "There's Snow in the West," Last Psalm at Sea Level
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“I feel myself shutting down, closing off, like I should tell people, ‘No, we don’t use this heart anymore. It’s too fragile.’”
— Courtney C. Stevens
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Andrea Gibson
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“There are times when I am convinced I am unfit for any human relationship.”
— Franz Kafka, Letters To Felice
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Kaveh Akbar, from “Personal Inventory: Fearless (Temporis Fila)”, Calling a Wolf a Wolf 
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Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 6: 1955-1966 // Tracy K. Smith, "Don't You Wonder Sometimes?" // Janet Finch, White Oleander // Five—Sleeping At Last
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i should not be trusted with the ability to fantasize
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