“Your heart knows the way. Run in that direction.”

—

“Some people are so emotionally drained that sleep doesn’t do anything. You wake up tired, it doesn’t go away.”

—

things that take time:

- loving yourself

- meaningful relationships

- accepting who you are

- recovery

- healing from heartbreak

- changing habits

- improving at a skill

- achieving your goals

4/29/2020

Fuck This Fuck This Fuck This Fuck This Fuck This

Fuck You  Fuck You  Fuck You  Fuck You Fuck You 

Fuck This Fuck This Fuck This Fuck This Fuck This

Fuck You Fuck You  FUCK ME  Fuck You Fuck You 

Fuck This Fuck This Fuck This Fuck This Fuck This

Fuck You  Fuck You  Fuck You  Fuck You Fuck You 

Fuck This Fuck This Fuck This Fuck This Fuck This

Emotional Manipulation Starters

Trigger warnings apply. Requested by anon. (Disclaimer: not all of these sentences are manipulative in a different context, and some can be used jokingly as well.)

“If you really cared about me, you’d do what I’m asking.” “Don’t you trust me?” “I wish I never met you, honestly.” “You’re the reason I’m upset.” “It’s all your fault.” “I guess you just don’t love me enough.” “You have to keep it a secret. I’ll find out if you tell anyone.” “Whatever. It’s not like I care.” “I could just leave, you know.” “Do you like them more than me?” “Who have you been talking to?” “I would do anything to make you happy, I just want you to do the same for me.” “You have to tell me. Not telling me is just as bad as lying.” “It would be so easy for me to find someone else.” “If you loved me, you’d tell me.” “It’s like you don’t even care about me.” “One day I’ll be dead and you’ll regret not being there when I needed it.” “Nobody really cares about me, not even you.” “No one will ever love you the way I do.” “If you leave me, I don’t want to even think about what I’ll do.” “I’ll just tell everyone you were abusing me.” “You have to. You owe me.” “I’ve made sacrifices for you, now you have to do the same.” “I’ll never forgive you.” “No, it’s fine. Just do whatever you want, I guess.” “Am I upset? Why, should I be?” “If you don’t come over tonight, I’m going to hurt myself.” “I never said that. You’re trying to confuse me.” “I think you hate me.” “I would do anything for you, so why wouldn’t you do the same?” “If you don’t do this, it’s because you don’t love me.” “You were there for them, but not me?” “Yes, if you love me, you would change for me.” “I’m wasting my time with you.” “Well, I guess I’m just useless, aren’t I?” “I know you didn’t say it, but you were thinking it.” “You hate me. I know you do.” “You can’t convince me I’m not just a burden to you.”

4/25/2020

Don’t get me wrong. I knew this relationship had it’s problems a long time ago. It was toxic. And I let it get this bad. And I wasn’t in a good place and I felt weak and I relied too much on her and I let her be controlling of who I was. 

But just before quarantine, I think I was starting to see the light. I was starting to feel freer. I was starting to have a backbone and speak up for myself when she was being unfair. I had even gained the strength to walk out once. I walked out and got in my car and I just drove until I felt like I had enough time and space to be rational and thats when I returned. 

And now I feel weak again. I feel scared again. She never tells me what she’s thinking. She scoffs when I ask her questions that she doesn’t think I have a right to ask (stupid things too, like not nosy questions but questions about when her doctor’s appointment is that she’s borrowing my car for) and simultaneously she’ll steal my phone, she’ll scold me for mentioning an ex, she’ll talk down to me and say things that she knows will hurt. 

And when I tell her that she hurt my feelings, she says that I’m spinning the narrative around. She says that I hurt her first. She tells me that I’m making her hurt about myself. And then she spins that into the reason that she never tells me anything. 

It’s a mind fuck and I feel stuck here. Everything feels like it could crash and I think I’m using her as a life raft but she might by drowning me. 

This morning she woke up mad at me. She had a dream that I had ditched her. This could have been cute. I told her that that wasn’t me, that I wouldn’t do that. But she wouldn’t drop it. She kept telling me I already had. I had hurt her. And it went on and on. She acted like I had personally ditched her for over an hour. It tore me down until I snapped. I couldn’t be cute anymore. I told her it was her subconcious, it wasn’t funny, it wasn’t me. 

Then she asked me, “Are you happy? You don’t look happy, what’s wrong?”. I wasn’t happy. I’m not happy. I knew that if I went too far she would tell me that I was turning things around. Spinning the story, hurting her. So I thought of the others things that we’re bringing me down.

“I feel stuck. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I don’t like being in quarantine.” She cut me off. She missed people too. She hated quarantine too. I’m glad she asked about my feelings. 

During breakfast we had another misunderstanding. Voices got raised. I was still fragile. I still wasn’t over the morning. “Just stop raising your voice at me!”, I yelled. “You started this,” she yelled back. Silence. 

I apologized first. I always apologize first. She made me sit on her lap before she would apologize to me. She made me walk across the room and act comforting. God I hate how much she feels the need to control me. 

I started crying when she apologized. I hate the bed I made for myself. I hate that her apology doesn’t mean anything because she doesn’t know what she’s apologizing for. 

“I understand you’re sad, but don’t take it out on me.” She said. “You miss your family, and quarantine is horrible. But when you take it out on me we both end up hurt.” I nodded. She doesn’t understand at all. 

4.23.2020

I’m not sure how much i must hate myself. today has sucked like absolute shit. it was supposed to be my 10 month anniversary and yet i am sitting here on the floor of the kitchen feeling like trash. She makes me feel like trash. She has such an absolute need for control that it doesnt matter how open i am trying to be or how much im focusing on my feelings... it must be her whos hurt in the end or else she loses the leverage she has in this fucking relationship.

We had a huge fight this morning. She HATES every month-a-versary I’ve apparently ever tried to celebrate with her. I ruin them all somehow.

So stop fucking trying you piece of shit. you haven’t proved yourself in 10 months? good luck now. don’t know why she doesnt just let you loose. but maybe you’re too good of a fucking puppet to lose.

Finally feeling better? good tell her. see what happens. oh! another fight? Another time where you’re trying to save your ass and the relationship in a night so that you don’t go to bed in a fight, or have to leave the house at 11pm? LOL couldn’t have seen that coming when you shared your fucking feelings loser.

Wait wait wait... it worked? you almost made her happy? you agreed to make a show pony out of yourself to make her feel better? Don’t worry. she’ll steal your phone and send it out as a snap chat. you can be assured you’ll still feel like shit about yourself by the time the night is over.

And I do.

She looked at me with tears streaming down my face.

asked “what”, like the answer wasn’t the emotional manipulation she puts me through daily.

“I love you, I don’t want to lose you” I lied. 10 months strong. Goodnight.

yeah mom im ok i just dont want to be alive haha

I’m in a really shitty, emotionally abusive relationship and I don’t know how to get out of it. And I’m in quarantine, just like the rest of the world, in a city I moved to in February, without a support system and with my closest friends and family states away. And even the thought of getting on facetime with them scares me. What if I look at them the wrong way? What if they ask the wrong question? What if I just break down on the camera because someone is finally looking at me like they care about the way I’m feeling? And what if that’s what sets her off, what makes her mad and makes it worse.  

Sea otters are very affectionate animals, but don’t like PDA. So, whenever caught, they have looks of surprise on their fuzzy little faces.

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