pasta-primadonna-blog
Be my person.
I don't know where I'm going, but where I'm coming from is pure nonesense, so I've got that going for me I guess.
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When the whole party is down but your bard is up
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Found a well in italy with a nice echo. Missing this trip already. [x]
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Frankenstein enters into a body building competition and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective
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if i was a shapeshifter, half of my time would be spent making myself look androgynous and trimming up the things about my shape I’m not happy with, and half of my time would be spent making my teeth look just a little bit sharper than is normal, changing my eye-color subtly between slightly unsettling shades, and giving myself an intricate “tattoo” that just barely moves every couple of hours, until it’s in a whole new shape next time you look at me.
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Bohemian Rhapsody. We Will Rock You. Somebody To Love. All hit singles, and all the direct product of a band that was formed when an astrophysicist and a dentistry major found a new friend in an art college, who then went on to recruit a fourth member from the electronics school. Based on this alliance I propose the rift in society between Arts and STEM students was fabricated to keep us separated so as to dilute our true power - and fabricated by who, you may ask? The business major, the only member of society who reaps no reward from art and science and thus must weaken us so as to stay ahead. In this essay I will
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petition for a live action version of ratatouille where linguine is played by john mulaney and there’s no actual script, they just let him and a rat loose in a kitchen for an hour and a half
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if you relate to having an idea for a story for 4 to 8 years with almost zero progress towards actually writing it down, clap your hands
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lolita fashion (NOT to be confused with loli/lolita cp) is so cute I just wish it were named something else
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stealing is a crime AND drugs is a crime too BUT if you steal drugs the two crimes cancel out and it is like basically doing a good. trust me i am a lawyerman
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You know we’re in the dark timeline when Stephenie Meyer has minded her own damned business for years and J.K. Rowling keeps tumbling down the metaphorical steps of murdering her own universe and personal character in the public eye for everyone to see.
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its been less than half an hour and people are already complaining about three “female” characters in being released a row. there’s 12 male heroes. with the new hero there is 11 female heroes. we haven’t even reached an equal amount and yet somehow this is an assault on masculinity ???
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walk carefully child, the leaves are listening
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i am so tired of peeing. i drink the water, which i apparently need to live or something, then i have to go put the water somewhere else five minutes later. i drink the water, i go to a place to un-drink the water, i wash my hands, i leave, then i have to drink more water. guess where that water ends up? not in me! i give the water to my body and like a child it tosses it out and demands more. all hours of the day all hours of the night no matter what i am doing my life is interrupted by piss and this is bullshit
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tonights bdsm safe word is “superwholock” because thats the best moodkiller i can think of
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i’m happy that mcu peter’s spidey sense isn’t being shown as a miracle worker, like i’m happy peter’s sense went off to danger that was laughably close to peter. people have this misconception (mainly due to the 2002 spidey films) that his spidey sense will give peter a heads up to threats wayyyyy in advance, but that’s not the case. like there have been many times when peter’s spidey sense doesn’t really alert him to danger until the danger is really close, sometimes close enough that regular people have already noticed said danger.
and even then, peter often ignores it bc it can go off to things that aren’t necessarily a threat but COULD be. like a wad of paper being thrown at him by flash, a puddle on the floor that could make him slip. so sometimes peter just ignores it bc it goes off all the time to shit that really isn’t that dangerous. the sense is basically like a really reliable, and sometimes annoying, gut-feeling. the spidey sense is so cool but it’s still a sense not that different from sight or hearing or taste or touch, and it isn’t all powerful or always very helpful.
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An Incomplete List of Noteable People I've Delivered Pizzas To
It’s coming up on a year now since I got my current job as a pizza delivery girl, and I thought this would be a good time to delve into the little ever-expanding “WTFPIZZA” note I keep on my cell that helps me remember some of my more, uh - interesting deliveries.
So without further ado and in no particular order, here’s some pizza customers who left a lasting impression on me thus far:
- A bearded man who answered the door and periodically spat blood into a crusted Harley-Davidson coffee mug while counting out his cash.
- A woman who slipped me a business card (in lieu of tip) for a laser tattoo removal clinic, explaining “In case you want to bring your mutilated skin back to how God intended it to be.”
- At least three Batmans so far, but only one who did the voice.
- An elderly Spanish woman who meekly presented me with a (rather classy) pearl-handled .32 snub nosed revolver and asked if I knew how to load it (I do) and also, if I could load it for her (I didn’t).
- A group of EMT’s hanging out in the back of an ambulance at a recently extinguished (but still smouldering) house fire.
- A man with a thick Alabama accent who admonished me for standing in front of his mailbox while I waited for him to answer the door. He then explained how this was a federal offense because I was “obstructing the mail system” and demanded my social security number so he could “report me to the proper authorities”.
- A group of young teenage girls (like 14-16) who begged me to buy a case of Bud Light (ew why) and bring it back to them.
- A hotel room full of badass middle-aged women all dressed as Professor McGonagall from the Harry Potter films, who were also completely wasted on Jello shots. They kept encouraging me to stay and party with them.
- A 20-something dude who answered the door with an unsheathed katana dangling through a belt loop on his jeans.
- Multiple instances of people asking if I would sell them pot. (bitch get your own dealer sheesh)
- A guy who slipped a twenty directly into my shirt because I apparently was the “spitting image” of his deceased daughter.
- A woman who admonished me for driving a Mazda, and wrote “get a real car” in the tip portion of my credit receipt.
- A very drunk dude who gave me his iPhone and had me take a bunch of Myspace-esque pictures of the both of us. He did the duck lips thing in every shot.
- Multiple prank deliveries (joke’s on you motherfucker, I get paid for the gas AND I eat the pizzas you ordered)
- An elderly man who wrote “FUCK OFF” as his signature on a credit receipt.
- A thirty-something guy who begged to get his order for free because he “works so hard”. He visibly teared up and sniffled when I told him I couldn’t do anything.
- A dudebro wearing a bath robe and socks + sandals (indoors) who straight up wordlessly yanked the pizzas out of my hands without paying and shut the door. Multiple knockings were of no avail.
- A woman who angrily demanded to see my ID because she refused to believe my claims that I’m female. She proceeded to snatch my driver’s license out of my hand, run back into her house and show it to her children while pointing back at me.
- A kid no older than 14 who desperately tried to convince me to play WoW on the free custom server he was playing on. (But it has double XP!)
- A guy who spent the entire time I was there digging a (impressively large) booger out of his nose. He proceeded to smear it on, thankfully, HIS copy of the receipt.
- An on-duty cop who flagged me down by intercepting me on the road before I got to the police station and pulling me over to get his pizza.
- A drill instructor looking-guy who filled out his entire credit card receipt, specifically wrote “0.00” in the tip portion, then proceeded to write out a check for seventy-eight cents and handed it to me. It said “pizza tip” in the “For” section.
- A furious lady who yelled at me for a solid five minutes (I kept track) all about how long it took for her delivery to get to her. She then tipped me an extra ten bucks on a six dollar order. I dunno.
- An incredibly stoned teenager trying and failing to look sober. When I complimented his Adventure Time wallet (which was super cute) and asked where he got it, he immediately looked terrified, sat down on the floor and muttered “I… I don’t know….”
- Obligatory naked man with unimpressive penis
- A chick at a house party who answered the door and immediately turned to vomit into her mailbox.
- A surly Korean mom with an amazing shoulder tattoo of a baby giving birth to a full-grown woman.
- A man who lived in one of those mini-mansions inside a gated community, who sported a seemingly massive collection of what appeared to be solid glass spheres of varying size and color. I only got a quick glance in his house but there had to be hundreds of them in display racks, tables, shelves - everywhere.
- A group of 20-something guys who challenged me to sing the original Pokemon theme song, which I did. And perfectly, I may add.
- A completely iced-out musclebound gangster kid who was blaring Regina Spektor so loud and with so much bass I actually couldn’t hear anything he was saying.
- An elderly guy who deadpan asked me if I knew anyone who could score him hollowpoint bullets.
- An adorable older lesbian couple who were mortified that they didn’t have any extra money for a tip, so they gave me a big sack of pistachios instead. It took me three weeks to finish the bag.
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“I’ve had horrible luck finding a husband. Most marriages in this country are traditional, and I have a middleman who arranges interviews with potential suitors. He probably thinks I’m a snob. Because I either turn the men down or scare them off. But you should hear the questions they ask me. Nothing about personality. Nothing about character. Everything is about money: ‘What is your salary?’, ‘Do you have a car?, ‘Is this your only apartment?’ I used to answer these questions, but I’m much harsher now. I’ll dismiss them right away. I’ve had men ask me to stop working. I had a professor ask me to stop studying because I have more degrees than him. Another man ended the interview when he learned that my ‘doctorate’ did not mean I was a medical doctor. It’s ridiculous. Some friends and family want me to settle for the sake of having children. But I have a viewpoint, and I’m not going to sacrifice that viewpoint just because I’m getting older. I believe in marriage. And I’d like children. But if it means I have to accept anything, maybe it’s best to not get married at all.”
(Alexandria, Egypt)
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