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Unreasonable Thoughts of Society and Family Environment
I've passed 4 depressive nights again. Kinda tired with myself again. So here me again, try to write something that makes me sane.
Beberapa bulan belakangan ini kayaknya di media sosial banyak banget bersileweran berita-berita tentang irresponsible guy who causing their girl sick, physically or mentally or both. I try to see it from another point of view. Beberapa bulan ini aku sempat mikir tentang society and family environment yang membentuk karakter cowok-cowok, yang mungkin di jaman sekarang dengan cara berpikir yang udah lebih modern, pemikiran kuno kayak gini harusnya bisa dihilangkan. (By the way, semua point ini adalah pendapat personal).
1. Ada lingkungan keluarga yang sangat 'keras' sama anaknya dan menyebabkan sang anak menormalisasi dan menganggap bahwa kekerasan adalah bentuk rasa sayang. Hal ini menyebabkan sang anak melakukan hal yang sama ke orang luar.
2. Beberapa anak laki-laki dididik dengan 'tegas' atau mungkin 'terlalu tegas,' tidak boleh menangis, tidak boleh mengekspresikan perasaannya sehingga apapun yang berkaitan dengan perasaan dianggap drama atau lebay.
3. Adanya konsep patriarki menyebabkan adanya perasaan superior dalam diri laki-laki sehingga ingin mengontrol semua hal, tidak ingin mendengar pendapat orang lain terutama perempuan yang dianggap tidak mampu membuat keputusan yang tepat.
4. Ada keluarga yang menekan anaknya untuk selalu mengejar materi dan nama baik sehingga ilmu pendidikan dan attitude yang seharusnya ditanamkan, tidak dipedulikan.
5. Adanya pemikiran cara untuk menunjukkan ke-cowok-an adalah dengan berkelahi, merokok, melakukan hal-hal bandel. Hal ini bahkan dinormalisasi dengan "namanya juga anak cowok." At the end of the day kalau dia ga belajar memahami bisa sampai selingkuh atau bunuh anak orang. Untuk poin yang ini agak sedikit bikin emosi ya karena dari dulu cewek dipaksa untuk bersikap lemah lembut, baik, tidak aneh-aneh, sopan santun (even argue is categorized as a thing yang tidak sopan). Tapi cowok kok rasanya aneh banget "ya namanya juga anak cowok, masih cari jati diri." No! You can educate your son to be gentle, polite, clever with love! PLEASE PEOPLE, stop making a difference thoughts about how your son and your daughter behave. Both should have a brain and attitude. AND PLEASE stop using violence as a shield for your your inability to control emotion.
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Passionate Me
Long time no write bgt nih, not because I don't face sadness and depressive nights again, tp sekarang distractionnya udah bukan nulis lagi, tapi kerjaan wkwkwk. By the way, talking about my job, I really enjoy my job and the environment. Trus beberapa hari yang lalu pas abis ngobrol sama beberapa temenku, aku baru sadar ternyata I'm not a kind of ambitious person, I just being passionate with things I love. And there's difference between those. Ambisius itu tau apa yang mereka inginkan and they will go achive it, which is really really great. But I don't fit with that. I just love things that I'm doing but I don't have goals at all. Tapi saking sukanya sama sesuatu, aku kadang bisa melakukan apa aja sampai totalitas, tapi kalau ditanya aku gatau result apa yang aku harapin. Ini bagus karena kalaupun aku ga dapat apa-apa, I will be fine. Tapi jeleknya aku jadi gapunya 1 fokus yang bener-bener mau aku lakuin di dalam hidup ini.
Makanya kalau ditanyain how I see my self in 5 or 10 years later aku gabisa jawab cause what should I say? All I want in my life is being pretty, smart, rich, and kind. My interviewer would take it as a jokes of course, but that's all in my mind. Trus juga aku sempat ditanyain sama sepupuku "emang kamu gapunya dream company?" dan aku baru sadar dari kecil cita-citaku aja ganti-ganti terus, kuliah juga dulu gapunya jurusan atau univ dambaan (untung dapatnya univ bagus). Kalau dari yang aku pelajari dari pattern aku dalam mengambil keputusan, aku selalu gamau sama kayak orang, lebih ke nyari peluang, mending susah daripada banyak yang bisa. Kayak pas milih jadi koor sponsorship, padahal susah bgt dan gaada yang mau tp aku mau karena gaada yang mau HAHA. Trus seneng di perusahaan sekarang karena gaada dari univ aku HAHAHA, kalau adapun gapapa asal ga sefakultas. I love my faculty and my friends at there tapi mari kita bertemu buat haha hihi saja ya. Karena tiap liat kalian aku jadi punya indikator untuk comparing my self with you dan jatohnya aku jadi ambisius lagi. Once more, ambitious is really great but don't fit with me.
Aku juga jadi relate kenapa pas SMP SMA walaupun prestasi aku bagus, aku ga sestress itu dalam belajar. Cause I don't want anything, aku cuma seneng belajar aja dan guru-gurunya, temen-temennya, plus biar dinotice sama crush aku (walopun engga jugasi, sad). Pas kuliah dari ospek aja aku udah punya target and I see my friends as my competitors jadi aku ga santai, I didn't enjoy the process of learning anymore. There's only a long list in my mind what I should be or what I should do. Sekarang rasanya bahagia banget pas kerja ga mikirin what kind of image that I should build, cause I really enjoy being me. Bahkan rasanya sekarang aku jadi lebih rajin (aku tetap kerja pas aku sakit and I'm the one who take initiative for that, even my company and my assistant manager take easy on me.)
Untuk sekarang, I really enjoy my job and my centil side walaupun sekarang centilnya masih pas ke kantor aja, dressing and make up (padahal pake masker juga!). The real definition make up buat diri sendiri. Kalau untuk rencana kedepan, aku gapunya karena yaa balik lagi I just enjoying moment. Tapi kayak pengen deh S2 tapi niatnya buat belajar sambil pacaran HAHAHA. Ini gegara lihat Mbak Anelies & suaminya sama Belva & Sabrina, kayak lucu aja gitu. Kayak pacaran tapi sambil sama-sama improving self asik deh keliatannya + sebelum-sebelumnya kalo deket sama cowo juga bawaannya main doang kan ya. Pengen deh growing up together tapi sambil flexing each other HAHA BYE.
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Perfect Timing
I always feel so grateful and proud surrounded by cool friends. They're pretty, smart, and have good attitudes. They lead me to be a better me. But everything in this world have positive and negative effects, right? Setiap wawancara kerjapun kalau ditanya kelebihan atau kekurangan, untuk kekurangan aku selalu jawab trade off dari kelebihanku. Atau pas sidang skripsi pas ditanyain perspektif aku tentang kekurangan dari topik yang aku angkat, aku menimpalinya pake kelebihannya. Karena aku yakin apapun yang terlihat negatif, sebenernya if we look it deeper, ada kok positifnya. Pun hal yang positif, when we look it carefully, tetap ada negatifnya.
For my wonderful friends, trade offnya aku kadang suka insecure atau anxiety sendiri karena takut ketinggalan. Beberapa bulan belakangan ini hal yang paling aku insecure-in adalah karir/pekerjaan. Some of my friends begitu selesai skripsi langsung kerja, they go straight in good company. Some of them even have two digits salary today. Meanwhile aku masih struggling apply sana sini. I've applied to many companies, dari multinational company sampai perusahaan yang gatau itu perusahaan apa. Dari my dream company sampai perusahaan yang aku hindari banget. I've done so many interviews but I got nothing at the end. Sedih banget sampe berada di titik "gue emang bego banget ya sampe ga ada yang mau nerima." Tapi pas aku akhirnya berserah dan cuma apply ke beberapa perusahaan (yang bahkan applynya ngasal), malah keterima di perusahaan yang bagus:').
Kadang ternyata Tuhan minta kita gausah ngapa-ngapain aja dan yauda tawakal aja. Tapi ya namanya manusia, ga sabar dan pengennya cepet-cepet. Padahal percaya aja sama Tuhan, ini waktu SD ngapalin rukun iman berasa gampang banget, kayak "yaiyalah percaya sama Tuhan" eh pas udah gede ternyata mengaplikasikan ke realita kehidupan tidak semudah menghapalkannya. Kadang malu juga, katanya percaya sama Tuhan tapi suka ngeluh ke Tuhan, malah kadang suka marah ke Tuhan. Padahal udah dikasih sebegitu banyak, amalannya ga banyak-banyak banget, tapi tetep maunya banyak.
Terus mungkin baru dikasih sekarang karena kemarin-kemarin belum siap. I have to admit kalau memang sebenarnya I had a lot of stuffs in my head yesterday and my life kinda mess. Tuhan mungkin mau aku healing dan tenang dulu biar outcomenya lebih optimal. Tapi ya namanya manusia, ga sabar dan pengennya cepet-cepet (2). For the end of this writing, aku mau quote some words from Pelangi Kasih song:
Tangan Tuhan sedang merenda Suatu karya yang agung mulia Saatnya 'kan tiba nanti Kau lihat pelangi kasih-Nya
Btw guys, I'm still Moslem till this day, tapi my chairmate in senior high school for 3 years was a Catholic and I learn few things from her religion, including the songs. So jangan kaget kalau aku tau atau hapal beberapa lagunya.
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What is Privilege About?
Hak istimewa sosial atau privilese sosial merupakan hak istimewa yang dimiliki oleh seseorang atau sekelompok orang, namun tidak dimiliki oleh pihak lainnya. Hak ini bisa muncul dari hasil stratifikasi sosial dengan adanya perbedaan akses untuk memperoleh barang dan mendapatkan layanan yang sama (Source: Wikipedia).
Most of the topic that is talk about privilege refers to availability of money, network, how good someone's appearance. Well, sebenernya privilege ini ternyata bisa luas banget but sometimes we don't realize it. Mungkin memang dasarnya manusia ya yang selalu suka mencari apa yang dia tidak punya and compare to people who have it, who also have great outcome with it. Contohnya, ketika kita ga punya duit, kita punya tendency buat compare itu sama orang yang punya duit dan berhasil karena duitnya. While, sebenernya ada orang lain juga yang punya duit tapi malah menjerumuskan dia ke bad things. Jadi sebenernya balik lagi gimana cara kita melihat dan menyikapinya gasih?
Aku pernah baca tulisan seorang publik figur who state that she is a broken home. But the interesting part is she take it as a privilege. Disaat mayoritas masyarakat di luar sana menganggap itu adalah hal yang negatif dan buruk, she embrace it and make it as a reason why she can strong enough and can get to the point of her life now. Aku pas baca itu langsung yang "omg, she's cool!" Karena buat aku personally, admit and accept the flaws in my life aja udah cukup susah. Well, everyone always wants to be seen living a perfect life. Buktinya kalau upload ig selalu hal-hal baik dan happy. Ya ga salah jugasi. Aku juga gamau upload pas lagi nangis, stress, mess up cause I feel ugly wkwk (mungkin kalo aku ngerasa aku cantik kayak Kendall Jenner pas lagi nangis, aku bakal upload pas aku nangis, tapi kan unfortunately no, I'm not). We as social media users are sometimes consumed by the content that someone is trying to display.
Back to privilege, as what I've stated before, privilege ini banyak banget bentuknya. Misal, kesehatan. Buat beberapa orang mungkin itu hal yang biasa. Tapi buat orang lain, mereka willing to spend much money for breathe. Balik lagi ya manusia, bakal sadar pas losing it. Padahal pas punya is taken for granted. Trus support orang sekeliling. Aku punya beberapa temen yang akhirnya letting go of their dreams because they don't get support from their parents, padahal potensi di diri mereka besar banget. But I will not judge for it karena semua orang tua gaada yang sempurna, pasti punya alasan, dan mau yang terbaik buat anaknya.
Pada intinya privilege itu bukan cuma hal yang besar dan baik yang ada di kehidupan kita. Kalau kita mau belajar menerima, hal-hal yang kurang mengenakan pun bisa menjadi privilege. Selain itu, ga perlu mengeluh dengan apa yang kita tidak punya, tapi yaudah bersyukur aja atas hal-hal yang ada sekarang. Jangan nanti pas udah gaada baru nyesel. Aku juga masih harus belajar sih kalau ini.
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The Power of Prayer
Disclaimer: I'm writing this not for the purpose of teaching at all. I'm still too far dari kata baik, agamaku belum cukup bagus, imanku naik turun, masih sering melakukan hal yang dilarang dan menjauhi hal yang diwajibkan, I have a lot of sins but God cover it up, and I still have to learn more. I do this just for sharing. Kindly pass it if you don't like.
Aku percaya bgtbgt sama kekuatan doa, whereas my outward look and the way I get along like someone who just haha ​​hihi with religious matters. Sekali lagi aku harus mengakui, imanku masih sering naik turun dan aku masih jauh dari kata baik. Sometimes I complain to God about things that I don't like or hurt me. I ask why people out there are so happy while it's really hard for me to get what I want even though I guess I've tried so hard more than others.
Tapi ternyata memang Tuhan sebaik itu. He gives us a thing more than what we thought the best, at a certain time, certain place. Kata-kata "sabar aja, nanti digantikan sama yang lebih baik" ternyata memang benar ya. Ya walaupun ga bisa mengelak juga kalau sabar itu susah. Tapi memasrahkan semuanya ke Tuhan saat sudah melakukan yang terbaik is a path of luck to work. I believe every luck that I found in this life is allocation of someone's prayer for me.
Some of my friends knew exactly how much struggle that I faced when I did my bachelor thesis. Cobaan hidup dimana-mana, tertekan sana sini, dosen pembimbing di luar negeri, komunikasi cuma lewat email, I don't have her number till now, she even didn't know my face karena pas sidang dia juga ga ikutan nguji terhalang status cutinya (or maybe she have already known me cause she accepted my friend's invitation in linkedin WKWK), pas sidang dapatnya dosen killer (who didn't pass 3 persons one month before I did my thesis defence). Tapi kayak semuanya dilancarkan. Dosen pembimbingku baik banget, tiap ngasih revisi cuma jeda 2-3 hari dan jelas banget, dikasih tau yang mana yang harus diganti dan ngasih saran mending diganti kayak gimana, waktu sakit dan minta dipindah jadwal konsulnya malah di-gws-in trus dibilang jaga kesehatan (baik banget gasih woy, padahal jatohnya aku yang lama ngerjain skripsi karena stress mikirin ini itu). Dapat responden 125 orang dalam waktu 2 hari. Nyusun bab 1-3 yang idealisnya nauzubillah tapi bisa sambil magang. Dosen killer yang nguji malah ngebelain pas menjawab pertanyaan dengan kurang memuaskan, malah senyum-senyum trus dia cuma ngasih satu pertanyaan yang gampang karena buru-buru mau ada kelas HAHA (nangis banget kalau ingat ini padahal udah keringat dingin sambil ngerobek-robek tisu pas sidang).
That I realised semua kelancaran itu ga bisa banget aku dapetin kalau ga dibantu sama doa. And of course bukan doa dari aku aja tapi dari semuanya. Aku minta doa ke orangtua, ke saudara, ke temen-temen, ke penjual makanan, sampe ke tukang parkir. Masih banyak banget keajaiban-keajaiban doa yang kalau dipikir-pikir secara logika ga mungkin, but it happened in my life. So, keep fighting, do your best, and leave the rest to God. Let Him show you what the best of luck means.
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You know what my biggest flex is? I throw all my trust in my prayers🥰.
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I Love My Fwends #2
I am beyond grateful to be surrounded by super duper kindest friends who always support and help me through this life. Mau ngomong makasih tapi rasanya kayak gak cukup dan berulang-ulang. You guys maybe never even know how much impact that you've made karena emang aku jarang cerita kalau lagi kenapa-napa wkwk✌🏼sampe kadang ada yang suka kesal sendiri karena aku cuma ngomong sedih tapi gapernah mau ngasih tau kenapa WKWKWK. But honestly, I really don't know where I am today kalau tanpa kalian. Some of you might know how big battle that I've been through against my own self yet you still believe me more than I believe my self. Love you pokoknya!!!
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My Biggest Competitor
I'm such a competitive girl, like I want everything's perfect, always be an excellent, be a number one. Dulu aku mikir, being smart and cute is mutually exclusive. Then when in college, I saw everyone in my college are like super glowing, cute as hell, genuinely brilliant, so kind, and have a good manner. How tf they do that?! And they still have many friends, they attended some organisation or event or competition, they socialize well, few of them even have bf/gf!! Like how could you manage your time darling???? Very difficult for me to find my closest competitor or benchmark cause everyone are so stunning. And this is not perez at all, you must've check my faculty by yourself.
My college environment is super competitive, I often feel so small and insecure. My friends are so talented and smart, that sometimes I compare my result to them. I know, it's not healthy, for my mental health, my social life also. Now I realise, maybe my competitor is not another person, not my friends, not my alumni, nor stranger in social media that I thought live in life of everyone's dream. My biggest competitor is me, the old me, the bad side of me, the uncontrollable me. Everyone has their own path, time, place, and chance. Always try my best and never give up are enough. Let the universe do the rest.
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Keep stunning all!💄✨
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Is Beauty Important?
Yes, it is. My mood is going up when I feel beautiful because my cheek is red after crying an hour. That's why my narcissistic is blooming when anxiety or overthinking hits me. Sometimes I take a lot of photos, mask my face, take a bath right after my mental break down. In some cases, I even do full make up and dress cute just to go to a cafe by my own and do nothing. Or in the middle of the night, I scrub my body, just to feel beautiful after being insecure and not enough. What I want to say is date yourself, feel pretty for your satisfaction. Do not let any standard break your self cause you are your own. I don't always feel pretty or have confidence, beauty standards in my society do not match with my original self.
By the way, what is beauty standard about? Listen to pretty hurts by Beyonce make me realise that terms of beauty is too relative.
Blonder hair, flat chest TV says, "bigger is better" South beach, sugar free Vogue says, "thinner is better"
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Perfection is a disease of a nation
You might called pretty in country A but not in country B. Or you might called pretty with person A but not in person B. Because of these subjectivity, you won't satisfy all the standards and who says you have to? You are your own. And if there's a boy out there who don't value your beauty for who you are, find another. There's must be someone who loves you for the effortless things in you.
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Bold Woman
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I am a kind of woman who totally amaze with smart people, like period. Kayak kalau lagi denger orang pinter ngomong atau ngeliat act of smart person, langsung yang kayak excited sendiri. I even have list of smart people that I adore so much in my life. And luckily, I am surrounded by many fcking smart friends yang kalau aku lagi sedih, dikasih saran dan diajak diskusi dengan sangat baik.
Sadly in society, this typical person kalau laki-laki sangat dijunjung tinggi. But, when she is a woman, she is called bitchy and seen too intimidating. Moreover, if she is an independent woman who can take care of her businesses, financial, and emotion. Mungkin karena lebih susah dikendalikan atau dilarang-larang kali ya, plus lebih susah diimpres. Jadi mungkin laki-laki menjadi insecure. But, from my POV, no matter how strong she is, deep down she craves someone to depend on to. Kan ada lagunya, even superwoman sometimes needed superman's soul. She doesn't need your money, she needs your time, she needs you to feel safe, she needs you to feel comfortable, she needs you to discuss about this life. Why? Cause she is a human too. But a man who can't see it and appreciate that strength obviously never deserve that woman.
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Anak Pertama Perempuan di Keluarga
I don't know why suddenly I want to write it. I mean, I didn't even have a role as first daughter in my family. I'm the second child, I have a big bro and a lil bro. So, my deeply apology if my writing maybe doesn't capture the real condition of being anak pertama perempuan di sebuah keluarga. But, as written in my profile, all of these are purely my personal opinion or thought. Correct Me If I'm Wrong.
From my previous writing about high score and IQ, I've said that now I have concern in parenting issue. Beside that, unintentionally in college, I was surrounded by friends who have a role as the first daughter in their family. Also, I don't know about social media algorithms, but lately I found out there are so many content that talk about it in my home page or explore.
In college, I didn't have much time to play with my friends. At that moment, I guess they were so busy with their career path and been so ambitious in education. Yeah, that was right. But, I didn't know yet that they have big responsibilities in their family.
Call her A, she must satisfy her parents ideas and ambitions.
Call her B, she must take care of her siblings. When I ask why, she answered "my parents didn't ready yet when they have me. I don't want they (her siblings) feel it too."
Call her C, she must listen and mediate her parents when they fight.
Call her D, she must hold it alone when her parents are criticised by other people.
Call her E, she must learn to understand when her parents are divorced then her dad want to married again.
Call her F, she must fight to finance her lil sist because her parents tell her the real financial condition of them.
Call her G, she must be strong when her mom passed away.
Being the first child in family is expected to be a perfect model and example for sibling. My last ex-crush have a big sist. I guess he loves her so much. He often take an advice from her. His wallpaper is a capture of his big sist encouraging words. That's sweet, I know. I even think that some good things within him because of his big sist and I'm so proud of her. The same for all my friends who have an important role as first daughter in their family. Let me tell you, you are strong, you are great, you are amazing. Don't ever give up cause there are so many people hang their life on you. I know it's never been easy and it's exhausting, but keep your spirits up!
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By the way, why the hell tumblr gif are so dark and weird?
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Soft Power
Inspired by Dian Sastro
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This post would be start by a fun fact. So, my last broken hearted made me lost all my confidence and forgot my self worth. To boost it again, I forced my self to do all productive things. One of those is listening a podcast by Gita Wirjawan. He's an ex Minister of Trade (you can google it to know more). Then, I found his interview with Dian Sastro. At that time, I didn't have idea that she's so fcking smart and talented (kalau kata temenku "Tuhan itu mengukir Dian Sastro").
In that interview, she mentioned soft power and because of her role as an actress, she explained soft power in terms of movie. Terus karena aku terkaget-kaget sama sosok Dian Sastro ini, I tried to find more about her in youtube and finally I got her speech in a program named Unlock with Billy Boen. Dan persis seperti nama programnya, it was literally unlock my mind. She said movie itu soft power karena bisa menggerakan roda perekonomian negara. Kayak pas nonton drama korea, people indirectly have been hypnotized by its culture. Yang dinonton cuma dramanya, tapi dalam dramanya banyak budaya korea yang diperlihatkan, such as songs, foods, and clothes. So, when they watch the drama, they also hype up with the songs. They also want to try tteokbokki (korean food). They also want to visit Korea and wear hanbok (traditional clothing of korea). And the downstream is GDP (Gross Domestic Product).
Karena waktu itu keadaanya I still overwhelmed by my heart-break, so all I saw, all I heard, all I smelled, all I tasted, and all I touched led me to my heart problem. I just realized kalau movie aja bisa increasing GDP in a country, how if I pushed all soft power in my life to make me moved on (HAHA iya rada ngaco, but I did it). So, I changed my music playlist.
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I changed what I watched. Previously, I watched innuendo or bad relationship in instagram explore. Then it becomes Gita Wirjawan Channel and Barbie Movie. Untuk film barbie, mungkin keliatannya kayak 'apasih,' even my elder brother laughed at me. He said "why in your age, you watch something that's so fantasy, it doesn't have a conflict." But, that helps me so much. Mungkin karena saat itu I saw world is full of negative things, then I cheered my self up by watching movie that is full of happiness to make me change my perspective about this world. Honestly, it works. Trust me.
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I even changed how I dress, colours around me, and my make up. Those efforts are totally change my life and how I see this world, even though it takes so long to finally didn't keep anger in my heart. I deserve to be happy and may all people who have hurt me, be happy too. Let's live peacefully.
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I Love My Fwends
This post is dedicated to all my friends, especially whom always cheer me up, pour me tons of love, and teach me how to pass this complex world. You are literally awesome. How could you have an amazing mind with a pure heart when sometimes this world beat you a million tears? I really appreciate your time, your effort, and a long paragraph that you sent to me when I'm in bad condition. I hope you guys always healthy, happy, and be loved.
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IQ and High Scores
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Beberapa tahun belakangan ini, aku lagi curious bgt sama parenting dan pendidikan anak. It began from my lowest point in last 2019. From that moment, I start to learn more about my self. What I like, what I don’t like, why I feel like that, why I think like that. And that’s so mindblowing. Previously, when I faced things that makes me so sad, I just took back my memories for 2 or 3 years before. Tapi waktu itu, I took back time till 10 or 15 years before.
So, those pictures are capture that I took from my college teacher. She’s such an idol teacher (bisa dibilang). She’s beautiful (pas pertama liat, I thought she was a student), smart (dia pernah kerja di big four then become an audit teacher, karna ga kuat harus balancing sama keluarga if I’m not mistaken), and so inspirational. I’m not taught by her in college. But I know her because there’s so many students talk about her, including my friends (ya biasalah ya, ciwi ciwi suka ngegosipin dosen cakep, pinter, punya suami mapan, punya anak lucu + pinter, dan berangan-angan semoga hidupnya bisa kayak dia sekaligus wondering gimana caranya).
Back to the issue which is captured on the images, I also raised to get the best score by my parents. Success is defined as working in prestigious office and having high social status in society. I’m not blaming my parents for those, no at all. Toh, jaman kan selalu berubah. Generasi dulu sama sekarang berbeda, totally. Concern dan problem dalam dinamika kehidupan juga berbeda. Okay, I want to open this perspective by sharing my childhood. Since I was in my 1st grade of elementary school, I have took a course, sempoa course. Parents in earlier times believe math is the hardest subject and it is the strong foundation for your future. Then my life is full of various courses. I also took sport and music courses. In 6th grade of elementary school till my 3rd grade of senior high school, I took academy course. Sometimes I even attended 2 courses in a day. And I’m grateful for that opportunity. Cause maybe without it, I’m not in this point of life.
But lately, I found out that I’m not good enough in emotional quotient. Because all I know till I was in 3rd grade of senior high school is pursued intelligent quotient. Aku cukup ambisius dalam bidang akademik. Luckily, I love learning. If I looked back my life when I study in elementary school till senior high school, I can confidently say that I wasn’t burdened in getting all my achievement. It was purely because of my desire. But when I was in college and live alone separately with my family, life surprised me. I just thought there’s so many things that I never knew. Having IQ 130 or even higher is cool but it’s never enough for your life. My gpa is not as great as my scores in elementary school, junior high school, or senior high school. I even didn’t attend any organisation or competition in college. But I still passed amazing experiences. I explored more, I made friends more (bahkan bermacam-macam jenis teman), I grew up more. Life is so big, there are so many kind of people in this planet, and ideologies that we think as wrong maybe ‘not that wrong’ if we see it with another glasses.
Recently, I watch korean drama, titled Sky Castle (plz nonton). It tells a story about how parents’ ambitions can destroy children’s life. Pas nonton aku rada kesel ya sama karakter Kang Ye-Seo, soalnya so selfish dan attitudenya so bad. Tapi project my own self in junior high school, I have to admit kalau aku seannoying dia HAHAHA (sowwy fwends). Trus karakter Park Young Jae makes me wonder gimana ya kalau waktu itu aku ga suka belajar. Mungkin bakal ended up like him atau kayak Cha Se Ri. That’s why I stated ‘luckily I love learning’. Cause I believe that everything that is forced won’t ever be good in long-term, including study and future goals.
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My Notes Know All My Secrets🤫
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This is a small part of my notes. Some of them udah aku pindahin ke drive. I’m not good enough to tell people about my day and what I feel. So, I hold it all by myself (iya, kayak judul lagu). Jadi untuk meminimalisir toxicity dalam diri, I pour it in a writing form. There are many reasons why I choose write it in my notes rather than tell it to other people. Mungkin karena I’m an october scorpion girl (oke maaf kalo bawa-bawa astrologi, tapi ini rada-rada relate soalnya orang-orang yang aku kenal as october scorpion juga kayak gini). So, an october scorpion lebih tertutup dan mungkin introvert, jadi kadang kalau punya masalah trus mo ketemu orang, capenya bisa double. When we have a problem or in bad mood condition, we hide and let dark thoughts eat us. Iya, emang rada stupid, but sometimes we enjoy it. Walaupun at the same time, we crave to stop the pain. Atau mungkin kalau mau cerita, I don’t know where I have to begin with. Kadang ada yang kelupaan buat diceritain. But I found it easier when I did it in non verbally form. Mungkin karena bisa diedit atau struktur katanya bisa diatur jadi lebih baik. Dan, masih banyak alasan-alasan lain.
Kebiasaan nyatat di notes ini udah dari SMP. Malah waktu SMP karena hp belum secanggih sekarang, nulisnya di sms trus dijadiin draft. Isi notesnya mulai dari catatan sekolah, reminder penting, curhatan, puisi, kata-kata yang pengen diomongin ke orang lain tapi gabisa, sampai sumpah serapah yang kalau dibaca lagi kadang mikir kenapa bisa ngomong sejahat itu trus akhirnya dihapus. But letting those curses out is so satisfying. Bikin lega tapi ga nyakitin siapapun. Kalau untuk curhatan specifically, lebih sering ditulis tengah malam sebelum tidur. Tapi memang kan midnight conversation is truly deepest words ya karena udah gada yang dipikirin dan ga terdistract sama aktivitas-aktivitas lain. Jatohnya kayak pillowtalk sama diri sendiri.
Nyatat kayak gini jadi kebiasaan banget sampai hari ini. Trus kayak pengen one day, I find one person to read all my notes. Biar dia tau semua cerita aku bahkan sebelum dia kenal. Toh, any actions that I’ll do or any trauma that I’ll remember in the future bisa ditrack dari tulisan-tulisan aku. Karena biasanya aku juga lupa kenapa such a small bad thing that happens in me can cause a big sadness for me. Ternyata memang karena akumulasi kejadian-kejadian ga enak dari dulu-dulu.
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Can We All Aware About Mental Health?
SHIT. This is my 2nd time write it. You know why? Cause I’ve written it, but suddenly kehapus. Woy emosi. Bisa gasi hidup gue lancar lancar aja. Cape banget jujur. Kayaknya opening statementnya udah cukup kali ya, walopun sama keluhan dan marah marah.
Actually, in my previous posts, I said I’m a lil bit confused about where I have to start this topic. BUT NO, you never confused about the same activity that you do for the 2nd time. Maaf emosi lagi. Oke, jadi aku bakal cerita ini dari pas aku jadi maba dan masuk kuliah. Aku berkuliah di salah satu universitas ternama di Indonesia, which is I’m grateful for dan dikarenakan universitas ini berada di kota yang berbeda dengan tempat aku tinggal, jadi aku harus merantau. Ketika kamu merantau, you faced a lot of differences so you don’t have any option except learn and do adjustment. Ya, aku belajar dan menyesuaikan diri untuk hidup sendiri, gaya belajar, cara bergaul, berbahasa, bahkan makanan (I mean nyiapin makanan kalau mau makan, ga kayak di rumah tinggal ke luar kamar langsung tersedia. You guys have to know, I don’t have any problem dengan rasa makanan karena menurut aku semua makanan enak hehe).
Aku harus bilang kalo keputusan aku untuk milih universitas dan jurusan awalnya ga direstui 100% sama orangtua ku. My parents are typical strict Indonesian parents dan aku selalu dimanja. Let their one and only daughter yang gabisa apa-apa (what) to live alone di kota orang mungkin agak mengkhawatirkan. Kalau untuk jurusan karena di SMA aku masuk kelas IPA unggulan trus tiba-tiba switch ke sosial humaniora pas kuliah (I’ll tell you later about this one), trus memang orangtua dan guru-guruku menyarankan aku masuk ke kedokteran, but no, I can’t. Untuk urusan pendidikan dan sekolah, since in kindergarten, I always choose it by my own. Bener bener gabisa didoktrin.
Back to my college life, dikarenakan segala perbedaan yang ada, I faced culture shock. Unfortunately, aku ga pernah ngomong ke siapapun, not because I didn’t have friends, I have. It’s just because I’m not good on telling story and express my sad feeling (this is one reason why this tumblr is exist eventually). Trus kalau mau ngeluh ke orangtua juga gengsi HAHA, karena sadar ini pilihan sendiri jadi harus tanggung resikonya sendiri. Ternyata karena aku gapernah letting my feeling out, semuanya malah meleber kemana-mana. Aku jadi sangat sangat insecure tentang pendidikan, karir, pergaulan, dan hal-hal lain yang ga penting sama sekali untuk dipikirin. Aku pernah beberapa kali ga masuk kelas karena terlalu takut dan anxiety. There’s one day aku ga masuk padahal hari itu ada presentasi while aku udah latihan sampe bikin flow chart dan ngajakin teman ke cafe buat minta dievaluasi how my presentation is. Iya, udah se-prepare itu. I said I was sick that day dan baru ceritain semuanya ke temen-temen aku pas udah mau lulus. Itupun karena kelepasan, mau curhat yang lain malah ngalir ngomongin kejadian itu.
Aku orang yang sangat aktif ketika SMP dan SMA, apalagi di dalam kelas. But in college, I didn’t have the same energy. Alumni fakultas aku ask for active and enthusiastic students ke dosen-dosen, that’s why bobot penilaian untuk ngomong dalam kelas jadi tinggi banget. But I have to admit that I have low confidence buat sekedar bertanya aja. I don’t know. Mungkin karena the dead eyes dari anak-anak kelas atau the flat expression dari dosen yang bikin aku questioning about my own question. Kayak “kalau nanya ini keliatan bego ga ya” or “ambis banget ga ya keliatannya.” Which this thought ga pernah ada pas SMP SMA, kalo mo ngomong mah sikat aja. Walaupun semakin kesini semakin berani, but I have to say that I should’ve talked more then.
Today, I read my thesis supervisor blog about mental health. She has been a moderator in a webinar that talk about “Work Life Balance dalam Masa Pandemi” and she was shock because there’s so many questions and some of them were very personal. Then I wonder kenapaya fakultas ga nyediain BK (I guess?) kayak pas sekolah. I mean pas sekolah aja banyak masalah, apalagi kuliah ga sih? Apa karena we’re expected mature enough in college? No, we’re not, malah lebih labil. Some of my friends even have mental illness and have to consume pills. Kuliah menurut aku bener-bener masa transisi dari remaja ke dewasa which is so overwhelming cause boom! Life surprised us. We think about many things, literally. I remember when my teacher taught and took score indicator as an example. She said there’s a lot of indicator why your score is decrease, maybe because you do a part time or join an event or follow an organisation or anything else. And I said “or you have life problem” in my mind.
Dunia kuliah melatih kita biar profesional and it can be understood karena kita mau dicemplung ke dunia kerja. But, can they understand that we’re human too. Fakultas aku bisa dibilang fakultas dengan fasilitas yang banyak bikin iri mahasiswa fakultas lain. Yea, gedungnya 3, a perfect place for study. But UKS (or UKF = unit kesehatan fakultas)? Nothing. Kalau di sekolah kita punya UKS karena jadwal belajar kita dari pagi sampai sore, kenapa di kampus yang mana jadwal kita bisa dari pagi sampe tengah malam gada UKF? Trus kalau sakit pas ujian gabisa izin, walaupun kamu punya surat dokter. Kecuali kamu beneran dirawat opname di rumah sakit. Aku pernah lagi sakit dan muntah-muntah, trus H-1 sebelum ujian izin ke kemahasiswaan karena emang kalau lagi ujian ke toilet pun emang ga boleh. Aku izin minta dibolehin ke toilet dengan jabarin alasannya dan ngasih surat dokter. But yes, tetep ga dibolehin. Malah denger kabar kalau pernah ada mahasiswa yang dirawat di rumah sakit pas lagi ujian dibawain soal sama akademik. Wow, effortful ya sistem pendidikan sekarang.
Kita udah berkali-kali ganti kurikulum dan sistem pendidikan. But none of those yang cukup aware sama students mental health. I don’t know, apa karena issue ini memang masih sangat tabu atau malah disepelekan. I remember when hear a teacher said “bodoh, bisa-bisanya bunuh diri karena patah hati” atau “nakalnya, pasti ga pernah diajarin sama orangtuanya.” Dude, instead of saying those painful things, kenapasi gamau cari tau reason behind that? Murid datang ke sekolah kayak gelas kosong atau kertas polos. Kalau udah pintar dan sempurna, mending jadi presiden. Mungkin beberapa orang juga gatau kali ya, ga semua anak beruntung punya kehidupan bahagia di rumahnya. That’s why ke sekolah adalah salah satu alasan untuk kabur sebentar dari realita. But, no one ask it to them. Honestly, BK di sekolah aku juga ga seoptimal itu. Kayaknya malah lebih ke algojo kenakalan siswa-siswa sekolah deh. I really really wish someday orang-orang lebih aware sama issue ini dan recognize kalau mental illness is real dan banyak macamnya. Plus ga dijudge as “kamu mungkin kurang ibadah.”
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Random Thought of Sad Relationship
Gatau ya kadang suka sedih ngeliat cewe cewe, especially temen aku yg diperlakukan ‘terlalu buruk’ sama cowonya. By saying ‘terlalu buruk’ berarti emang udah jahat banget ya. I realize, relationship is always ups and downs. And you can’t expect your partner is perfect, cause you’re not too. Tapi kadang menurut aku udah keterlaluan aja. But I know exactly how hard to let go someone that you love that much, apalagi kalau udah lama dan terlalu banyak momen bahagianya. Cape aja mulai lagi dan mengenal orang baru lagi dan penyesuaian lagi dan kenalan sama temen-temennya lagi dan cari tahu tentang kesukaannya lagi dan blablabla blablabla. And how depressive to lost something or change habit that you’re used to do it.
Kadang bahkan sampe nangis sendiri, mungkin karena I’ve been on those stage jadi tau persis gimana rasanya dan sadly jadi inget lagi kejadian-kejadian when chaotic things happen to me. I spent so many nights by cried or hurt my self or took a pill just to accept that I can’t force things that I thought would be last to stay with me. I’m okay right now. I mean I learn much about abcde from my relationship or my friend relationship or even stranger relationship that pop up in my twitter timeline or my tiktok fyp. And from what I’ve passed, I guess the most excruciating in relationship is not letting go or waiting. Letting go and waiting is easy when you know they’ll be back for you, more so you know exactly what time. Two things that I hate the most is when I miss something and I can’t do anything for it. I mean missing person with every resource in your hand is fine. You can text, you can call, or even more you can effort just to see. Imagine when there’s nothing you can do. It sucks till you out of breath.
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Woman Emancipation
i don't know much about this thing. Tapi sependek pengetahuanku, this terms is used for usaha untuk mendapatkan persamaan hak dan derajat antara laki-laki dan perempuan. As a woman who is surrounded by "nature of men who are seen higher," I know exactly what it feels like. I have to say I don't know what's definition of 'equal' yet. Tapi jujur aja, udah eneg banget sama segala hal-hal yang mengkotak-kotakkan gender. I'm sick of those shits.
Salah satunya aja ya, there's so much people out there yang menganggap kalau pekerjaan rumah itu harus dan memang kodrat dari perempuan. Can we all normalize that those works is basic human daily life?? How sad ya, perempuan dari kecil dituntut berprestasi di sekolah, berorganisasi, punya banyak temen, jaga diri, jaga sopan santun, jaga attitude, bisa masak, bisa bersih-bersih, jaga silaturahmi sama keluarga besar, baik ke tetangga. But, at the same time, cowok kalau bandel dibilangnya "wajarlah, cowok." Trus at the end of the day, kalau terjadi hal-hal negatif biasanya yang disalahin perempuan. Hah??? Where all these rationalization come from?
Kenapa perempuan dituntut buat jadi penurut, while we can be a leader? Kenapa perempuan dituntut jadi manis dan duduk diam, while we have brilliant opinion? Kenapa laki-laki boleh ambisius dan semakin dikejar ketika punya clear vision of his dream, while we are judged as bitchy?
Tapi kan sekarang jaman makin berubah ya. Thanks to technology jugasi karena mempermudah kita get the information (kalau digunainnya bener). Kayak sekarang some people udah aware sama issue ini. Kayak kalo buka tiktok tuh banyak women support women content trus suka terharu gitu bacain komen-komennya. i really wish this world can be a great place day by day.
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