reblog this if you want a LONG (or short) anonymous message saying what they think of you.

What if my mom is mad? She always acts weird when my dad comes up. I guess that makes sense though.. But I try to ignore my panic. I say good night to my dad. I hide in my room alittle longer. Eventually I come out and tell my mom I'm better now. I want to explain that when I'm like that isn't the best time for her shots in the dark to help. I want to talk about how to fix it when I'm not panicking but it hardly comes up. When it does I can't find the words and she takes everything out of context. I don't know how I'm supposed to keep going being like this. I still haven't shaken this overwhelming panic feeling. It's hours later and I'm still a mess of tears and snot. Maybe I need sleep, or maybe food? I tried both, but it didn't work. Maybe more? Maybe I need to talk still. I don't know. I was hoping I would feel better after writing everything out but I still feel tense. I need to find the coping skills list I saw. It made me think it could help and I need it now. I don't want to stop but I feel like I have to. I ran out of things to say and I have things to do. Ok. I'm gonna stop now.

I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was a panic attack, that’s what my dad called it anyway. I felt off for a couple days, things felt alittle more hazy. I got home from work, excited because my mom got pizza. I put on this as seen on TV onesie thing my gramma gave to me. What I didn’t see or realize was that there were little worms living in it. They were small, those little worms that appear in old boxes and clothes stored away for years. At first I was OK. Just take it off, clean everything it was near, then hop in the shower. That’s where I got overwhelmed. I panicked. They were on my bed, on my floor, I looked on the bean bag chair the box was sitting on for a couple days and I found a few more there too. Every time I got rid of one a few more appeared. I asked my mom to help, I felt like I was seeing things, maybe she could calm me down? She ignored me, pushed me away. Said I was being over dramatic. She says this, she always says this. Maybe I was over dramatic? Maybe I could have handled it better? I’m still scared though and I needed someone. I needed her. I needed to clear off my bead and bean bag chair. I needed to vacuum my floor. It’s not getting clean enough when I do it. She says I’m lazy, that I just wanted to make her do it. I’m not lazy. I’m scared and overwhelmed and now my mind is racing because she wouldn’t listen to me she wouldn’t see that I needed her. I lash out, I scream. It’s like she can’t hear what I’m saying and she’s saying in being over dramatic and a cry baby. I can tell she’s frustrated with me and just trying to appease me to shut me up. She washes my blankets. We move stuff out of my room. She comments that I should throw away one of my favorite stuffed animals because it’s old. I feel myself getting tight again, my breathing becomes shallow and it’s shaking my body. My blankets are being cleaned, my floor is clear, I just need to hop in the shower. Showers make people feel better. The hot water feels good after work and freaking out. I put on music that usually cheers me up. I get in the shower and realize I was crying. I keep hearing in my head “your worthless, you’re stupid, you’re lazy” my therapist told me to challenge these thoughts when they happen. It won’t stay in my head. I have to say them out loud. Quietly so no one can hear “I’m ok, I’m ok, things are ok, I’m ok, I’m not worthless, I’m not stupid, I’m not lazy, I’m not worthless, I’m not stupid, I’m not lazy… ” over and over. I can hardly feel my tears the water is so warm. I feel my nose run, but can only tell by the grossness. My brain is doing one thing, trying to get me better, my mouth trying to combat these negative thoughts. My body follows my usual shower routine. I try to wipe the tears and snot from my face and get soap in my mouth. It feels like everything is against me. My therapist says feelings are not always facts. I need to remember this. I guess I got louder because I hear my mom “are you crying” she doesn’t seem worried, just annoyed that she can hear me. Maybe she is worried. Maybe this is the first time she’s been close enough to see what happens, how I try to cope. I scream at her to leave me alone. She’s not making anything better. I just feel like I’m annoying her. I go back to showering. I think I got louder and she got more concerned because she asked if she needed to call anyone. Like I’m crazy, like I’m broken, like I need help. She says I’m acting like a psycho. I’m trying to get better. I haven’t stopped repeating “I’m not worthless , I’m not stupid, I’m not lazy… ” I scream again, I tell her shes not making things any better. She says she wants to help. I’m in the shower, I’m trying to get better, if she wanted to help she shouldn’t’ve said I’m lazy. She shouldn’t’ve pushed me away. She should have helped. I dont ask for help like that often. I’ve been really stressed out. I guess she hasn’t noticed that. I eventually get out of the shower, I’m still in panic mode. I don’t want to leave. All my stuff is in the wash. I have nowhere to go. I hide under a blanket and text my dad, telling him I haven’t called down, I just need someone to talk to me. He has me focus on my breathing. He doesn’t ask why or what happened, just breathe he says. In and out. Slowly, focus on it. Don’t think of anything else. I calm down alittle. The thought of my mom being mad at me for this all happening pops into my head, I start breathing hard again. My dad hears my breathing change, he has me focus on my breathing again. “but what if she’s mad at me for calling my dad” I panic alittle again. I focus on my breathing more. Eventually I calm down. It’s felt like this has lasted for days. It’s been about 3 hours I think. I call my dad with the face time thing on facebook. I’m feeling better. My head looks like a potato but he doesn’t care. I joke around with him about his beard. We talk about work and football. I look for better lighting. I leave my room. I’m scared.

I don't know what it was. Maybe it was a panic attack, that's what my dad called it anyway. I felt off for a couple days, things felt alittle more hazy. I got home from work, excited because my mom got pizza. I put on this as seen on TV onesie thing my gramma gave to me. What I didn't see or realize was that there were little worms living in it. They were small, those little worms that appear in old boxes and clothes stored away for years. At first I was OK. Just take it off, clean everything it was near, then hop in the shower. That's where I got overwhelmed. I panicked. They were on my bed, on my floor, I looked on the bean bag chair the box was sitting on for a couple days and I found a few more there too. Every time I got rid of one a few more appeared. I asked my mom to help, I felt like I was seeing things, maybe she could calm me down? She ignored me, pushed me away. Said I was being over dramatic. She says this, she always says this. Maybe I was over dramatic? Maybe I could have handled it better? I'm still scared though and I needed someone. I needed her. I needed to clear off my bead and bean bag chair. I needed to vacuum my floor. It's not getting clean enough when I do it. She says I'm lazy, that I just wanted to make her do it. I'm not lazy. I'm scared and overwhelmed and now my mind is racing because she wouldn't listen to me she wouldn't see that I needed her. I lash out, I scream. It's like she can't hear what I'm saying and she's saying in being over dramatic and a cry baby. I can tell she's frustrated with me and just trying to appease me to shut me up. She washes my blankets. We move stuff out of my room. She comments that I should throw away one of my favorite stuffed animals because it's old. I feel myself getting tight again, my breathing becomes shallow and it's shaking my body. My blankets are being cleaned, my floor is clear, I just need to hop in the shower. Showers make people feel better. The hot water feels good after work and freaking out. I put on music that usually cheers me up. I get in the shower and realize I was crying. I keep hearing in my head "your worthless, you're stupid, you're lazy" my therapist told me to challenge these thoughts when they happen. It won't stay in my head. I have to say them out loud. Quietly so no one can hear "I'm ok, I'm ok, things are ok, I'm ok, I'm not worthless, I'm not stupid, I'm not lazy, I'm not worthless, I'm not stupid, I'm not lazy... " over and over. I can hardly feel my tears the water is so warm. I feel my nose run, but can only tell by the grossness. My brain is doing one thing, trying to get me better, my mouth trying to combat these negative thoughts. My body follows my usual shower routine. I try to wipe the tears and snot from my face and get soap in my mouth. It feels like everything is against me. My therapist says feelings are not always facts. I need to remember this. I guess I got louder because I hear my mom "are you crying" she doesn't seem worried, just annoyed that she can hear me. Maybe she is worried. Maybe this is the first time she's been close enough to see what happens, how I try to cope. I scream at her to leave me alone. She's not making anything better. I just feel like I'm annoying her. I go back to showering. I think I got louder and she got more concerned because she asked if she needed to call anyone. Like I'm crazy, like I'm broken, like I need help. She says I'm acting like a psycho. I'm trying to get better. I haven't stopped repeating "I'm not worthless , I'm not stupid, I'm not lazy... " I scream again, I tell her shes not making things any better. She says she wants to help. I'm in the shower, I'm trying to get better, if she wanted to help she shouldn't've said I'm lazy. She shouldn't've pushed me away. She should have helped. I dont ask for help like that often. I've been really stressed out. I guess she hasn't noticed that. I eventually get out of the shower, I'm still in panic mode. I don't want to leave. All my stuff is in the wash. I have nowhere to go. I hide under a blanket and text my dad, telling him I haven't called down, I just need someone to talk to me. He has me focus on my breathing. He doesn't ask why or what happened, just breathe he says. In and out. Slowly, focus on it. Don't think of anything else. I calm down alittle. The thought of my mom being mad at me for this all happening pops into my head, I start breathing hard again. My dad hears my breathing change, he has me focus on my breathing again. "but what if she's mad at me for calling my dad" I panic alittle again. I focus on my breathing more. Eventually I calm down. It's felt like this has lasted for days. It's been about 3 hours I think. I call my dad with the face time thing on facebook. I'm feeling better. My head looks like a potato but he doesn't care. I joke around with him about his beard. We talk about work and football. I look for better lighting. I leave my room. I'm scared.

self care is not a reward for being responsible or for working hard. you dont “deserve” or “not deserve” to be nice to yourself. you are an alive person and rather than thinking of self care as incentives or bonuses you can get by adhering to and succeeding at abled standards (at a detriment to your health), you can think of it as. making deposits of self esteem by caring for yourself, and allowing yourself nice things and feelings. 

you dont have to deplete yourself to EMPTY before filling yourself back up again!!! you can do nice things for yourself before you hit the bottom. 

for the record, ‘not feeling anything’ is a valid and not unusual response to trauma or grief

so if you feel empty and devoid of feeling, it’s not because you’re a cold and uncaring person.

If you’re not noticed, you’re still valid.

The following is a rare half male and half female butterfly. The butterfly was determined to be a Lexias pardalis, and its condition is called bilateral gynandromorphy. Gynandromorphism is most frequently noticed in bird and butterfly species where the two sexes have very different coloration. (Source)

STOP! TELLING! PEOPLE! THAT! NO! ONE! WILL! LOVE! THEM! UNTIL! THEY! LOVE! THEMSELVES! STOP! PLANTING! THE! IDEA! IN! PEOPLES! BRAINS! THAT! THEY! ARE! UNWORTHY! OF! LOVE! BECAUSE! OF! THEIR! OWN! STRUGGLE!

Ah the morning booty rubs :)

Black Witches in Film and Television

1. Tia Dalma (POTC) 

2. Bonnie  Bennett (The Vampire Diaries)

3. Marie Laveau (American Horror Story: Coven) 

4. Queenie (American Horror Story: Coven) 

5. Lafayette Reynolds (True Blood) 

6. Sheila Bennett (The Originals) 

7. Celeste Marie-Helene Dubois (The Originals) 

8. Sabine Laurent (The Originals) 

9. Abby Bennett-Wilson (The Vampire Diaries)

10. Lucy Bennett (The Vampire Diaries) 

11. Nandi (The Vampire Diaries) 

12. Papa Tunde (The Originals) 

13. Astrid Malchance (The Originals) 

14. Ayanna (The Vampire Diaries)

15. Max Franklin (Charmed)

16. Jonas Martin (The Vampire Diaries)

17. Greta Martin (The Vampire Diaries)

18. Luka Martin (The Vampire Diaries)

19. Vincent Griffith (The Originals) 

20. Gloria (The Vampire Diaries) 

21. Agnes (The Vampire Diaries/The Originals) 

22. Emily Bennett (The Vampire Diaries) 

23. Lenore (The Originals) 

24. Eva Sinclair (The Originals) 

25. Melissa Glaser (The Secret Circle) 

can you imagine if someone sent you a list of all the reasons why they love you.

Sleeping and missed out on all this goodness. Shame on you

Witches irl

Someone: *comes to me for witchy advice*

Me: *hasn’t done a spell in 3 years*

Me: *hasn’t gone outside for 4 months*

Me: *literally nothing in grimoire*

Me: weLL SHIT. You’ve come to the right place, my child

the politics of light and dark are everywhere in our vocabulary…psa to writers: subvert this, reveal whiteness and lightness as sometimes artificial and violent, and darkness as healing, the unknown as natural