what type of milk? 🥛

“how do you support multiple ships”

there are infinite timelines. in my mind.

I like the expression new-fangled. I don't know what it means for something to be fangled, but I sure as hell know it was recent

your man thinks onions should be incarcerated for 5-10 years

me: oh man im starving but im not sure what i should make for dinner……

the spirit of a 12th century templar knight that died a horrific death due to torture that started haunting me after i found a sword in the middle of the woods: spaghetti once more, prithee?

me: henry you are brilliant. spaghetti it is

Today at work we were unpacking a big box, and I looked at the box and thought, huh. That box looks much smaller than me sitting on the ground, but I bet if I really scrunched down I could fit most of my body inside the box. And I had one leg fully in the box before I realized:

I am not a cat

I am work

I am wearing a nice suit and might need to appear in court later

i took elvish in school and i fucking hated it. the teacher was like 700 years old and he'd like take us on field trips to sit on the banks of babbling brooks and watch the fall of sunlight through the leaves. my friends in spanish class were like conjugating verbs and shit and meanwhile i was in an old-growth forest being overcome with awe at the sight of a majestic stag. like uhh yeah mr autumnheart when are we gonna learn like any grammar "listen to the murmur of the wind in the treetops, and you shall find the grammar you seek" like fuck dude your pedagogy leaves much to be desired

Relationships that have real king/lionheart energy, that whole “I have sworn myself wholly to you, I am your sword arm, I am your dog” to someone else’s “you are the one person in this world I can rely on, and I am both bolstered and burdened by your absolute faith in me” vibe, but it’s in circumstances that are like. so low stakes. Manager of a movie theater/the one usher who doesn’t smoke weed at work.

another one

Customer: A’S MAMA, MY KIDS ALL HAVE “A” NAMES. DMV: ASS MAMA Verdict: ACCEPTED

*gives you this*

How much wood WOULD a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

I woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood. But with modern deforestation, that's less and less each year. That's why I'm teaming up with Greenpeace to deface world heritage sites.

time to see if my old mpreg player works ahhh!!!

"Bottom does not mean sub" might as well be occult knowledge to some of y'all