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mynameisazalea 5 years
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What I have learned in 2018
This year has been a year of failing many times over, facing hard truths and overcoming adversity. It has also been a year of success: closing a chapter, beginning a new one, going on a huge adventure through Europe, finding deeper meaning in my life and building stronger relationships with my friends, family and myself. I can honestly say, this has been my best year yet.聽
This year, I overcame depression. Whatever part of that beast I was identifying with, I am glad to say, I have untangled myself from. The thing with depression is that you start to believe that it is the root of all your failures. Maybe you don鈥檛 believe it but you might act like it anyway. But it is not your whole identity. And not only can you overcome it, it is your responsibility to do so, for yourself and the people around you. There is nothing honorable about victimizing yourself OR bullying yourself. Perhaps it is the only thing you know how to do in that moment, but you must crawl your way out of that state because it can dig you deeper in that hole of hopelessness and despair. For me, it was a very gradual process and one that was, at times, unbearable. Before being able to climb that mountain, I had to crawl my way back to the surface to even see that mountain. My path to recovery was not a linear one either. A lot of times, it will feel like you鈥檝e taken away any progress you might have made but, in my experience, everything that I have learned, somehow was stored in the back of my consciousness. When the time came, where I was open enough to any given experience I was having, I let myself be informed by what I had already known. I was able to see, looking back, the compound knowledge and wisdom I had accumulated.聽
This year, I have learned to take responsibility for my actions and inaction. In every moment, you have a choice to make. Are you going to do something good, however small that action is, or are you going to stay stuck where you are and do something that disgraces your potential as a human being? It is virtually impossible to be aware of your actions every second of your life, but you have to aim at it. It is easy to slip into resentment and bitterness about how unfair this world is to you. It may be true in many ways but everyone has something in which they are at a disadvantage compared to others. Do not let your awareness of the inequalities you are facing be a reason for you to justify your self-destructive behaviours.聽
I have learned, more and more, to let go of perfectionism. I鈥檓 doing my best to be comfortable with my inadequacies whilst doing the work to be better at any given endeavour I take on. I am learning to be patient and compassionate towards myself in the process and not to quit at the first sign of my inability聽 to perform at my own ideal. It will take time, consistency and persistence to be able to hone in any skill you want to learn, but you actually have to learn it first!聽
I am learning to be more and more present in each moment. To actually, fully live through any moment I鈥檓 experiencing. The uncomfortable moments as well as the easy, enjoyable ones when everything is right where it should be. You have to be able to appreciate the moments where things are not quite aligned to, then, be able to completely be overflowed with gratitude when things do go well.聽
I have learned to be comfortable with discomfort. It is only temporary. Life is unpredictable but you can learn to be level-headed and stay calm through it all. You will realize just how much of the stress you put onto yourself is unnecessary and will only cause you more suffering. If you lean into those moments instead of trying to escape an experience you cannot avoid, you might even find a bit of contentment and peace in those times.聽
I have learned to be curious about the world. There is just so much you don鈥檛 know and it is up to you to be open to thoroughly experience the world around you and fill some gaps in your knowledge. Everything you learn can inform you about all aspects of life. You learn just how much everything is connected. Learning makes you feel connected to the world. It makes you step outside of your own bubble of existence and opens up your eyes to the differences and similarities you have with others.聽
I have learned to be more authentic. With my actions and words, it is important for me to present myself to the world as I am and as honestly as I can. Not getting caught up in expediency by doing what feels good in the moment, but to actually do things that are aligned with my own values. Doing what is right can be very difficult, although quite simple. But by taking the road of integrity over and over again, you will see the life you are meant to lead manifest itself before you and you will not see any pertinent reason in choosing the inauthentic path.聽
Many of these lessons, I will have to learn over and over again, but I am glad they are part of me now. I am excited for the ones I will learn in 2019. My heart is filled with gratitude for the people I have in my life, the ones I have encountered, the places I have experienced and to be exactly where I am today. Here鈥檚 to an even better year! I am ready for you 2019!! :D
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mynameisazalea 5 years
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Clinging onto the elusive, the clouds cannot be grasped. They are just ideas conjured up by your mind. Until you put pen to paper, transform thoughts into words, they are just that, ideas.
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mynameisazalea 5 years
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There is no reason to be impatient, there is no story if you rush it. Right now, all you have to do is roll up your sleeves and get to work. In a few months time, this chapter will be done. Do not let yourself be sorry for having written a bad one.
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mynameisazalea 5 years
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I鈥檓 letting the story unfold whilst doing every bit of work it entails to aim towards a better-self.
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mynameisazalea 5 years
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How can I learn to bear this screaming silence?
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mynameisazalea 5 years
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I know you鈥檝e probably found someone new by now. Perhaps, thinking to yourself how lucky you are that she is nothing like me.
01/11/2017
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mynameisazalea 5 years
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There is no rhyme or reason for why I鈥檓 still holding on to the idea of you. The reasons why we are wrong for each other outweighs the very few good ones by miles. Yet, when I saw you, I couldn鈥檛 help but care. A little part of me, although hidden, made itself known. That tiny part of me hopes you still do, too. That irrational part of me hopes there鈥檚 a part of you still wanting me, as well. It made me forget all the wrong things you did or said to me. As hurtful as they were, they almost dissapate at the idea of us. Those few good moments we had, now, I鈥檓 painting over them with brighter colors. Because in truth, as were my feelings in those moments, they were muted by our lack of connection. But we somehow created the illusion with forced moments of intimaticy. It worked, sort of. It made me care so much that I still do to this day.聽
All I can do is accept those feelings and let them go. Let the idea of us go.聽
26/12/2018
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mynameisazalea 5 years
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I betrayed myself over and over again. I knew it in my heart but I kept walking towards the inevitable end of us, before there was even an us. Sometimes you do things that you know are wrong for you because you want to experience it. We were both running away from loneliness, trying desperately to head towards the illusion of potential love. But there was no solid ground for us to stand on when we both went into it wanting to produce an idea of romance and partnership. We are not meant to be. There鈥檚 no point in trying to force it.
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mynameisazalea 5 years
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Utter your truth. Who you are is worth witnessing.
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mynameisazalea 5 years
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She dips her feet in water running slowly down the tub She sits there, waiting for it to be hot enough so that she can feel it Hot enough to feel it burn against her skin Enveloping her in a warm embrace Reassuring her that everything will be okay The water is so free Yet, she is so stuck As the wave of warmth rushes in, she can breathe a little easier As the wave flows away, she is left with a hollow feeling, digging at her gut. So she sits there, rubbing her skin until it turns red. The dead skin comes off bit by bit. But she still feels the remaining filth covering part of her skin. Her soul is tainted with deep residues of shame.
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mynameisazalea 5 years
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I guess I couldn鈥檛 blame you for constructing an all too agreeable character out of me, reducing me to be this spineless, naive and delicate little flower who would bend at your will and forgive you without respecting herself first. Now that you鈥檝e realized your perception was wrong, you鈥檒l find another girl who鈥檒l fit that mold. Oh, do I feel sorry for her. Turns out, I wasn鈥檛 so agreeable that I couldn鈥檛 respect my own wants and needs. Turns out, I didn鈥檛 fit the mold you鈥檝e fabricated of an innocent, malleable woman. I鈥檓 not who you wanted me to be and certainly who I do not want to be.
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mynameisazalea 6 years
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I do not know what I am worth if I do not create something worthwhile. How sad it is to sit by waiting for inspiration to hit you while you are already trying desperately to pass by as a decent human being. How pathetic it is to wait for yourself to create something good enough so that you, yourself can be good enough.聽
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mynameisazalea 6 years
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mynameisazalea 6 years
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Animal lovers are a special breed of humans, generous of spirit, full of empathy, perhaps a little prone to sentimentality, and with hearts as big as a cloudless sky.
John Grogan, Marley and Me: Life and Love with the World鈥檚 Worst Dog (via wordsnquotes)
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mynameisazalea 6 years
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distance by聽 Rona Keller
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mynameisazalea 6 years
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I am walking through life like a ghost choosing not to manifest itself, terrified of being seen as a phony.
a.p
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mynameisazalea 6 years
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Inspiration has fled like a monkey. I鈥檓 grabbing its tail but it ran so fast, I couldn鈥檛 catch up.
a.p
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