You’re not a bitch for being angry. You’re not an asshole for getting mad. Being angry helps in the healing process. You don’t have to be happy all of the time to be okay. Express yourself, however you’re feeling.

Jeremiah‬ ‭6:13-14‬ ‭NKJV‬

“Because from the least of them even to the greatest of them, Everyone is given to covetousness; And from the prophet even to the priest, Everyone deals falsely. They have also healed the hurt of My people slightly, Saying, ‘Peace, peace!’ When there is no peace.”

insp.

Life Update

My husband became very manipulative and abusive and continued to cheat on me. He had apparently cheated the 3 years together... I finally left with the baby after Thanksgiving. He kicked us out, told us to walk to my mom's, then the next day he had an episode and chased me with the car.

We are awaiting the divorce. Myself and my son are traumatized... He has nightmares a lot. I am afraid of the person I married...

Been a while...

A lot has happened and I will update this blog when it's not 6am with a cranky 10 month old 😅

Six Hours in the ER after being attacked

Six hours. Give or take, that's how long I was at the ER after being attacked. Could have been 48 hours or more, but luckily it was only six long, painstaking hours. I had went into mine and my husband's counselling session like any other. Cooperative, calm, tired. My husband started talking about what had happened lately, losing his job, when our counselor stopped him to bring up that I had called her a week earlier. I had. One phone call explaining that I didn't trust what my husband was telling people since he lied to my mom trying to get the baby taken from me because he was mad at me. I also brought up he was still being verbally and emotionally abusive and not following our crisis plan. My one phone call somehow turned into several in her eyes because her boss had called me to make sure no violence had occurred. I told her no, I just needed to inform the counselor of this discretely. She then starts getting onto me for not being on medication and comparing me to my husband who is on medication. Saying he's trying and I'm not. All medications they tried me on had bad effects and we are currently waiting for test results to come back before being put on another. She knows this. She didn't care. I was still wrong. She then brings up how I don't come into counselling often. My husband has our only car, our appointments revolve around his schedule, and our son is currently sick. He goes every week or two, whereas I can only go every other week or more because I'm always with our son. Still my fault. Okay, so I'm wrong for my body rejecting medications which means I'm not trying and for my schedule relying on my husband's and my son's health. She then brings up a previous violent incident between my husband and I. He had cornered me, was screaming at me and getting in my face all bowed up and I felt threatened. I struck him which was wrong but was also in self defense because in the past he never lets me leave--he corners me and lays hands on me. He then punched yet another hole in the wall which got him kicked out at the time. She documented it wrong in the computer then argued with both my husband and I about it! Apparently because I slapped my husband in self defense she called DFCS on ME for being a danger to my child. My husband has stabbed holes in walls with swords, punched holes in walls, cornered me, hurts himself, and yet I'M the danger? Even though my husband got up in the session and I felt cornered she didn't get onto him. He was right to stand up and bow up. He was right to not follow our crisis plan. He was right to belittle me for not being on medication. I'm still functional off meds whereas he isn't. She accused me of lying to her when I haven't. She was more afraid of my husband being kicked out than of me being afraid of my husband. After having her and my husband verbally beat me down about how my husband was in the right, how I was dangerous, how I had no control, and how I wasn't trying I felt suicidal. I voiced this. I know not to do anything because I have a son, but I had the negative thoughts. She doesn't talk to me at all or listen to what I have to say. She calls her boss. Doesn't let me calm down after she provoked this feeling. Just gives me the option of my husband taking me or the authorities to be hospitalized. They were closing so they were washing their hands clean of me. I agreed for my husband to take me as much as I hated him in that moment for feeding her lies to cause this whole situation. Six hours. I sat there thinking of my son who was sick. My mother had him at the time and I sent my husband home to him since he was the "fit" parent. All I wanted was my son. I never realized how sick and twisted the song "You Are My Sunshine" is until I was in that hospital. There was a pregnant couple next door whose one year old had ate some blood pressure pills because he wasn't being watched and was overdosing. That's the type of people who should have a DFCS case, not me. Midnight I had just told my 4 month old good night and that I loved him over Skype when the crisis evaluator came. I explained to her everything. My whole life story because she asked. Turns out my counsellor was doing several practices of borderline malpractice. Especially seeing both my husband and I individually and not just for couples therapy. The woman looked at me and told me I was beautiful and smart and blessed with my baby boy. That I had just been hurt and used. That I was just stressed and needed to cut my husband out of my responsibilities. If he continued his actions to call the cops. She sent me home to my baby boy where I belonged. My husband and mother left me home alone to watch him the next day. I was up off and on with him because he kept waking up because he's sick. He wanted nothing more than his momma this morning when his daddy was watching him. If I was a danger to him, why would our DFCS rep trust me with him? Why would my psychiatric doctor who is in charge of my meds not put me on something instead of waiting? I am strong. I have control. I'm safe with my son and he is safe with me.

I act like I’m fine but hah, if only you knew the truth

xprincessrapunzelx (via xprincessrapunzelx)

Be patient with yourself. You don’t plant a seed and expect it to be a tree the day after. So how can you expect to do the same with yourself. With time, through a storm, you will find the light afterwards to grow and to blossom.

I will keep growing (via nakedly)

My child isn't even 3 months yet, and he told me "no" the other day

😧

Posting on Tumblr is like talking to your cat. You don’t know if they are listening, and you don’t know if they care, but for some reason, it still helps.

The illness is more common than one thinks, or perhaps likes to admit.

In regards to Mental Health Month, here is something for you.

Look for Tumblr postitforward and have more information on mental health.

Credit to Stephen Fry and HealthyPlace.com.

Today was the day my husband stopped caring. Today I almost took my life, and he didn't bat an eye or shed a single tear. Today I realized he's stopped loving me. He may love the idea of me, especially when I bend to his every whim, but not me. What's worse is I don't even love me. I relapsed. I fell to my former addiction. I was so upset that I self harmed. How can I hold my son knowing those marks are on my arm? I guess he was right. How he's made me feel since I gave birth was right: I'm not fit to be a parent. Even worse: he's even less fit to be one. All I can think of tonight is how I so desperately just want someone to care, to hold me. My son is young enough that he wouldn't remember me. My husband would move on from trashy woman to trashier woman. My own family always ignored my mental illness, so what's left? ----- My husband woke up last night briefly while the baby was crying. I was already up fixing his bottle. My mom informed me she had been up with him the past few hours. My husband lied trying to say he had. I called him out on it and all he says is how he's tired. HE GETS MORE SLEEP THAN ANYONE IN THE HOUSE. I'm tired of hearing the bullshit, so I do-- I tell him we are all tired. He starts bitching at me in the early morning because of this. Later, I text him saying I'm having issues so he's going to take care of the baby when he gets off work. He's used the excuse of being tired and sore every day I've asked this, so I said regardless of those feelings he was watching him. My husband watches the baby 2 hours after work if I'm lucky and that's every few days. He gets mad at me again. We end up arguing. He threatens to quit his job because I said he doesn't watch the baby enough. I sit alone trying to keep myself stable and he just keeps coming trying to stir shit. I ended up self harming. I almost committed suicide. I almost threw myself in front of traffic by our house, and they wouldn't have even knew it. I come in and calmly tell him I had one thing to say to him. I asked him not to speak to me because I was using what little strength I had left to fight not killing myself. He gets mad about that! This marriage is down the drain... I don't know what to do anymore...

“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.”

Proverbs 31:25 (via adiscoloredworld)