Beauty from Ashes

    My story I am sharing is a story about heartbreak. (I promise you though; it is a story about God turning ashes into something beautiful.) It does not necessarily have a fairy-tale ending  (quite yet) but this story has an ending of seeing God’s hand in my life, His ultimate faithfulness, and Him leading me to recognize my worth. He helped me see how truly loved I have always been during a season where I felt the most unlovable and the most unworthy. In all honestly, I feel like sometimes we forget to realize the true moments in which we see God’s hand in our lives are during those seasons of loneliness, heartbreak, and brokenness.

     A little bit about me. I am a nurse. I just turned 23. I have been a registered nurse with by BSN since I was 21. My journey was not easy but God was with me every step of the way. My dream from a young age was to become a nurse. I felt called to help others after my first mission trip I went on in high school. I knew the path God wanted me on was to be a nurse and help people. My journey has just started but I know I am called to go on mission trips some day. Helping people, healing people, and sharing God’s love and God’s word is my calling.

    After I graduated from nursing school, became a registered nurse, and started working, I really thought I was going to feel fully satisfied. I reached my life long goal and dream. I thought having that title and that dream job was where it ended. (How naive that thinking was.) I was really confused when the same things I went though during college were starting again. My depression, anxiety, and loneliness started to settle in again. My talks with God and time spent with God also lessened too. Shortly after feeling this way I unexpectedly met someone; a man whom I completely fell in love with. He gave me attention and feelings I had never experienced before. My feelings of loneliness and feelings of being unsatisfied slowly started to go away without me really getting down to the bottom of why I was feeling those things in the first place. (In reality, I didn’t realize what I really needed was to be in full pursuit of God and after His heart.)

     I truly thought this man I met was the person I was going to marry. I was the happiest I had ever been and felt complete again. That relationship filled voids in my heart that I had for quite some time. That relationship unfortunately pulled me even further away from God and led me down a path I was not proud of. Instead of praying to God about the relationship I was in, I made plans and decisions in my mind for God. I had decided in my heart and convinced myself that this was the person I wanted to spend my forever with. Not long after, lies, betrayal, and cheating started coming in waves. I was in a constant state of anxiety and fear just waiting until the next wave hit. This person I loved did not turn out to be the man I thought he was. I was angry, upset, and confused. How could a person who said they loved me and wanted to marry me do those things to me?

    Out of what I thought was love, I  foolishly forgave him. I didn’t come to realize until after, it was coming from a place of fear of being alone and fear of feeling empty again. I was in a toxic cycle and in a toxic relationship that at the time I was convinced would still have a happy ending.  I was holding onto something so tight that God kept speaking to me to let go of. I finally decided to stop ignoring God’s voice and got the confirmation I needed to move on and let go for good. After I decided to listen, God spoke to me louder than ever before. He spoke to me and said, “I saved you from your ruin.” After breaking up with who I thought was the love of my life. Those words hurt to hear. I couldn’t make sense as to why God would give me something just to take it away. I was angry, broken, and in a very dark place. 

     God kept speaking to me though and I finally surrendered the situation over to Him and prayed for Him to heal me and heal my heart. I knew in order to ever move on and be ready for my future husband and person he has made for me, I needed to heal those areas of my heart that felt so unworthy and unlovable. I needed to see myself and love myself the way God sees and loves me first before any man could ever come into the picture. Shortly after praying to God to help heal my heart he sent me a dream. I feel compelled to share this with any of you who have been in the same place as myself.

     My dream started off with an oak tree with bright green leaves and bright yellow blooming flowers. Behind some of those bright yellow flowers were a couple leaves that were dying essentially or wilting. I was jumping and trying to reach the bright yellow flowers. I woke up knowing that tree represented me and God was trying to speak to me.

    If there is something I learned, it is that the oak tree is very symbolic in the bible. A verse that talks about it is Isaiah 61:3, “To all who mourn in Israel He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for His own Glory.”

     After this dream I did some research about oak trees and what they symbolize to get a better understanding of what He was trying to tell me. They symbolize strength. I also read something that stated, “When plants think they are dying, they put all their energies into producing flowers, to produce seed, to continue their line.” After that relationship, I was in such a low place. I was so broken and empty. It felt like all my light and energy was taken from me. I no longer felt like myself.  I think this quote is a great representation of what God was doing in my life during this season and what He can do in your life if you’re in a similar season as mine. I thought I was broken, unworthy, and unlovable. My leaves were essentially wilting and dying. I couldn’t see at the time during this season of loneliness and heartbreak I was producing flowers. Sometimes it’s really hard to see the beauty when we are in the midst of the trials. Like it says in Isaiah 61: 3 He will give us, " a crown of beauty for ashes.” God can truly turn the most broken of situations and the most broken of people into something beautiful. I can tell you as a nurse I have seen this first hand, not only in my career but also in my own life as well. He can do the same for you. So my prayer for any of you reading this is for you to surrender control over to God. He loves you more than you can ever imagine. This trial you are in will soon turn to triumph.

Legacy: Prayer Warrior Blog Post # 4 :)

My last blog I posted, "Yes, God can show up in the middle of a coffee shop," where I talked about Peter, a kind older gentleman I met.... I left out another small, but important topic we discussed.

We got on to talking about what legacy we are leaving behind. He told me a beautiful story about how his two uncles were away at war. He told me that their mother prayed them back home to her. They both survived. He told me how inspired he was to have family so deeply rooted in their relationship with God. That is why He is trying to leave behind a great legacy as well.��

When he brought that up, I couldn't help but automatically think of my Great Grandma Ada, who sadly passed away my sophomore year of college. I was SO very close with her and her passing was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. I miss her all the time but I can't help but be inspired and happy when I think about her and the legacy she has left behind for me and my family. She was our prayer warrior. Whenever I would go over to my grandparent’s house to visit or even talk with her on the phone she would always tell me that she is praying for me and would tell me to pray for her as well.

I vividly remember all the times I would go up to her room and sit on her bed while she would tell me stories about her life and in her words, "her Tom," my Great Grandpa Tom, who she dearly loved. I unfortunately never got much of a chance to really get to know him because I was so young when the Lord called him home. I would live through her stories though and could easily talk with her all day if I could. Her room was one of my most favorite places to visit. Something about that room was so inviting... Whether it was her many Jesus Calling books and devotionals, or even the old pictures of my Great Grandpa Tom to reminisce on; I always found myself enjoying every minute I spent visiting with her. I would do anything to have one more day. 

One of the most special things she would tell me though, was related to the pictures of all of her great grandchildren next to her bed on the wall. She told me all the time how every night before she went to bed she would pray over all her grandchildren without fail. That is no exaggeration as well & there were lots of us!

The other day I was going through pictures of my great grandma because my talk with Peter made me miss her. A smile came to my face when I saw one particular picture though and what the comment said on it. She was fast asleep, sitting in her chair that she always sat in, with her eyes closed and her hands folded in prayer. The comment said,  "I was watching her take a nap.. With her hands folded in prayer...& just know GOD has so blessed me!"

That is my great grandma for you, our true prayer warrior. The legacy she has left behind truly has made an impact on my life. I hope to be half the woman she was some day and leave behind just as great of a legacy.

Something also that Peter mentioned was, "If you Bible doesn't look worn and used, you aren't using it enough." I absolutely loved that. I was lucky enough to get a look at my great grandma’s Bible after she passed. Let me tell you... That Bible was written in on EVERY. SINGLE. PAGE. This woman used her Bible without fail and it showed. So, I have started a new tradition/ habit for myself. I have started to write in my Bible as well. I hope my Bible some day looks as worn and used as her's did.  I want to leave behind a legacy for my own kids, grand- kids, and even great- grand kids some day. I hope to be my family's new prayer warrior & take up the legacy my beautiful Great Grandma has left behind.

 So with that, what kind of legacy are you going to be leaving behind?

 Love, Jess--  (Here is a cool photo that hung on her wall of all her great- grand children.)

Yes, God can show up in the middle of a coffee shop. Blog post #3 :)

Well God didn’t fail to amaze me once again! I decided yesterday to go to Lux, a coffee shop in AZ, to get some homework done with a friend. The plan for the night actually was to go to the Grand (a different coffee shop) but I truly believe God perfectly orchestrated last night’s events to lead me to Lux instead.

So here is the story:

Not even about 20 minutes of sitting down, getting my coffee, and opening up our laptops to start our assignments… a kind older man named Peter approached us to ask what it was we were studying and go to school for. Peter and I connected on the fact that I was going to school to be a nurse. When he was 17 he had a great job of being a CNA, which is a certified nursing assistant. He asked me what field of nursing I saw myself going into. I told him I liked a little bit of everything but eventually I want to go on mission trips. He said, “So you are putting yourself wherever God leads you to go. That is great.” That opened up a door, which led us to talk about God. He asked if he could sit down and tell me a story about being a CNA. Peter told me he was lucky enough to get to work with a chaplain and go from bed to bed and pray over the patients. He went on to tell me as a future nurse it is so important to take care of my mental health. He remembered seeing a nurse who was quiet and in a corner all by herself after losing a patient, she needed someone to talk to and many people didn’t notice. He emphasized to me how important it is to work with the chaplains wherever I end up working. Nurses give so much of their love and care to patients that sometimes they forget how much love they need to give themselves. He said that us young nurses are the future of this generation and are going to heal and bring up those who are sick; physically and spiritually.

I truly felt the Holy Spirit out of all places in the middle of this coffee shop and we ended up talking about many different things related to God and Christianity. He went on and talked about spiritual warfare. He said that it is a battlefield out there and we need to be on guard at all times. It is important that we guard our hearts and our minds in Christ Jesus. He wrote down a verse for me to keep on a receipt, as well as a list of pastors and sermons to watch. The verse he wrote down that stuck with me from Ephesians 6:12 KJV was this, “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”

I decided this morning to watch a sermon on spiritual warfare from a pastor that Peter wrote down, named David Middleton. It talked about putting on the whole armor of God. The verse comes from this reference, Ephesians 6:10-12. “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take stand your against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” This was the same verse that Peter gave me last night. I could have watched any sermon but I chose this one.

From this sermon I listened to and what Peter talked to me about last night; this is what I got out of it: I found that with everything going on in today’s world it is so important to put on the full armor of God. It means we really need to dig deep into God’s word, understand it completely, and keep it safe in our hearts. That is the only way we can defeat the enemy and temptation in our lives. Satan even tried to tempt the Son of God himself in Matthew 4:6. He said, “If you are the Son of God, “he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written: “He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.” Satan is a great deceiver. Do not be fooled because the enemy knows scripture and knows how to twist God’s word. If Satan was brave enough to tempt the Son of God, what makes us think we are free from his temptations as well? We as a nation need to become eternally prepared by taking up the word of God into our hearts and our minds. That alone is the only way we can defeat this temptation, sin, and evil that is roaming around in our hearts and our streets today. Like my pastor said last week, the enemy has breached our walls, our hearts, and our cities. We need to stand firm in our faith by putting on the full armor of God.

What touched me the most, was at the end of our conversation he thanked me for my time to actually sit down and listen to what he had to say. We parted ways but he then came back over and asked if he could pray for me. He sat down beside me and in the middle of this coffee shop, we both bowed our heads and he prayed over my journey of becoming a nurse. In his prayer, he said that he believes I am a mighty warrior for God. He thanked God for giving me parents and a family who raised me like they have. He prayed that whomever I encounter feels God’s love and the Holy Spirit. I then and there broke down and cried in the middle of the coffee shop. I was blown away. Peter was moved to tears as well because of what the Holy Spirit had done tonight. At that time my friend had her headphones in and was writing a paper so she had no clue what was going on. All she saw was me crying & got concerned lol. I guess the point I want to make out of all of this is that God can show up WHENEVER and WHEREVER He pleases. Out of all places... in a crowded coffee shop, I got the chance to have an amazing conversation with a man named Peter and have someone pray over me. You can’t convince me God isn’t real...

So put on your full armor of God! We have a battle to prepare for.

With that, love Jess.

Complacent Heart: Blog post # 2 :)

Hi everyone! So something has been stuck in my head all day. I went to church last Sunday and one quote from my pastor that has been repeating in my mind all day is this:

“Don’t preach Christ out of contention.” 

 Verse Reference: Philippians-  1: 15-17 (KJV).

"Some indeed preach Christ even of envy and strife; and some also of good will: The one preach Christ of contention, not sincerely, supposing to add affliction to my bonds: But the other of love, knowing that I am set for the defense of the gospel.”

 I just started this blog this week but my prayer and hope is that whatever advice, knowledge, and or guidance I am giving you all (to whom ever takes the time to read my posts) is never preached out of contention but comes from a place of honesty and sincerity. I am not perfect. I do not want to depict the image starting my blog; that I am perfect by any means. I am just a normal, 21 year old from California who deals with the same struggles, sin, and temptations any normal college student might go through. I started writing to the public because I want people to get a chance to feel like they can relate in some way & at the same time get some words of advice. 

I hope to use my words to spread some love, light, and encouragement to others. I really think with everything going on in the world right now it is definitely needed.

I posted a long message about the church service I attended this past week on Facebook.. Reasons why I started a blog to be honest, I have too much to say lol (I’ll attach this message if you did not get to read it at the end of this) but I left out some things that I think need to be said.

With social media and its extreme use in today’s society, it is SO very easy to depict that everything is perfect. Like my pastor said, we should not be preaching out of contention. I think this applies not just to the word of God but also how we depict our lives to others; whether that is through social media or just in general. 

It is unfair to project a false sense and image that your life has no issues. It is not just unfair to others but also unfair to yourself. I will be completely honest with you; I have done it as well. I’m guilty too. I truly think this is why depression, anxiety, and even thoughts of suicide go so unnoticed unfortunately in today’s generation. Don’t get me wrong. It is okay to have bad days every once in awhile. That is life & it is normal. It’s just important to know when to get help & when to open up to your friends and family around you. This is why I am hoping to change that from here on out and be real with you all. 

To be honest if you read the first blog I posted, when I talked about being depressed my sophomore year of college... My own mom read it & said she did not know it was that bad for me. Then again, I was away at school in AZ and only came home every so often but it just goes to show it was so easy to project to others that I was OK when in reality I wasn't at all.

We are not being honest with ourselves and to those around us because of what we depict on social media. We are only posting our highlight reel. I personally can say I have a hard time scrolling through my feed some days still. I am guilty of comparing myself to others. That is not how God wants us to live though. He made us in His image and put all of us on our own unique and perfect path.

My pastor said something in the message that hit home for me towards the end. He said, “Maybe you’re empty in a full place?” I actually last semester remember journaling one night. I was writing about how I could not understand how I felt so empty in a full place. I am in nursing school (which I love) and I moved into a new house with great roommates for the summer here in AZ. I thought I should have been so full and happy, but I still felt empty… I just could not understand it. I started to really dig deep and try to understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling. Well, come to realize; God was just calling my attention back to Him. I lost sight of him because I started to feel complacent with my life and the path I was on. I started to become less thankful & grateful to be doing what I loved and treated every day like any other day. I started to become less honest with others & about what I was posting to social media. I was empty in a full place, preaching out of contention.

There is something that I have always lived by… When you are going through trials and tribulations or are just feeling empty; you have two options: #1. You can choose to grow from it & draw closer to God.   Or #2. You can let it get the best of you and push God away.

I think that God uses these moments in our lives to test us and help our faith grow. Growth never comes from a complacent heart.  Growth is simply black and white. By that, I mean you either choose to say YES and grow from what life throws at you; or you choose NO and fall further and further away from God’s path. The middle option is simply complacency and I have come to realize God likes to use those moments of complacency to test us and to see us grow. God wants us to be all in and not living lukewarm.

 So are you maybe empty in a full place? Are you preaching out of contention with what you post and how you are depicting your life to others? 

I hope this post helps anyone recognize that they are maybe being complacent. It is a new day. You are alive, you are loved, and you have a purpose. Choose to grow. Choose to not have a heart that is complacent & lukewarm. Choose JESUS. He is the only one that can make you feel FULL even in the emptiest of places. 

 With Love, Jess.

First Blog: Meeting Heaven & My Story :) BELOVED.

Hi I am Jessica (Jess). So… I have been wanting to start a blog for quite some time now. I am a 21 year old college student who goes to Grand Canyon University. I am from California. I am currently a senior and graduate here in about two short months with my BSN in December 2017. You might think I am a little crazy to be starting a blog and doing nursing school at the same time lol ;) but I feel a very strong calling to write and get my story out there. I have been journaling from the start of my college journey and I really enjoy doing it. I mostly journal about my prayers and the path God has been leading me on. I am no English major and my grammar at times might not be perfect but just hang in there with me. I think I have a lot of ideas, stories, and advice God has put on my heart that I want to really share with others.  My blog is going to be mostly revolved around Jesus, my journey as an (almost nurse), and full of advice for young girls or anyone really who needs it. You might also be wondering why I named it Meeting Heaven. Little bit about me.... When I was going through a hard time sophomore year of college (I lost three family members all within about three months) I was very depressed and not myself at all. If anyone knew me before then, they would know I was the girl who always had a smile on her face. Loss changed me. I almost never left my room...I shut out a lot of people that year. I turned to God and at many times I was so alone that my Bible, journal, my online church services, and my phone calls from my family was all I had.

I ran into a message that really spoke to me one night and helped bring me out of my depression. Let me re-phrase that. GOD truly brought me out of my depression. I wish I could remember the pastor’s name or even the title of the sermon. It was from Yorba Linda Friends Church. One quote really stuck out to me though. He said, “When people meet you, make them feel like they are meeting heaven for the first time.”  He also said, “God sees us for who we are turning into.” At that time in my life, I was unsure about everything. It was before I even got accepted into nursing school. I was lost, depressed, and uncertain about my future. This message helped me realize God did not call us to be perfect. He sees who we are becoming and He looks at us and calls us BELOVED. My goal after hearing this sermon was to make my life based off of that quote. “When people meet you, make them feel like they are meeting heaven for the first time.” God then became my driving force,  and my calling and purpose to be a nurse burned so bright.

So here is my story :

I graduated high school in 2014. I grew up playing softball all my life from the age of 8 up until the age of 18. Around the time of my junior year of high school I unfortunately got hurt. I ended up actually having a small tear in my rotator cuff (labrum). It made it almost unbearable to throw a softball. Many of you may or may not know, but travel softball is a very competitive and intense sport. Your weeks consist of hours and hours of practice and countless scrimmages and tournaments on the weekends. I LOVED this sport. I lived and breathed softball. It was my passion and dream to play softball at the collegiate level. My parents were very invested into my love for the game, especially my dad. This sport was a very (me and my dad) type of experience (I will get more into that in a little bit). My mom, don’t get me wrong, was very invested into my love for the game but it was harder for her to be there all the time. I have three younger brothers and unfortunately many times she could not be there because of that. She was always very encouraging and has always supported me. She is my best friend and biggest fan. She is a big part of the reason why my faith in God is so strong. Because of my mom, I got to go to the high school I dreamed of, which was Christian based and my family was able to afford it. It was all because she got hired there my first week of school. Which was a blessing by God. (That is another long story I am sure I will get to eventually).

Back to my dad though, from the very start of my softball career he did everything and anything to get me on the teams I needed to be on to follow my dreams of being a college softball player. Looking back on my days of playing softball I truly think of him and his unconditional love for me. He is a police officer and many nights did not get the best of sleep due to graveyard shifts. That would not stop him though from getting up at the crack of dawn (4am or 5am) to drive me to my softball games or early practices. When I think of my years playing softball, those early car rides in the morning were so special and those long & sometimes anger filled car rides  (probably due to looking at a third strike or messing up a play lol), or even car rides with the country music blasting on the way home were just as memorable and special. He is my best friend and the reason why I have the work ethic I do today and the reason why I respect and treat people the way I do now. I didn’t know it at the time but I understand now why he put me into softball. I got so much out of playing this sport.

I had some of the best mentors and coaches around (including my dad). I still am in contact with some of them. If it wasn’t for playing softball I probably would not be almost graduating as a nurse in two months or even remotely have the same work ethic I do today. I want to take a second to thank those mentors that helped me along the way and shaped who I am. I have SO many I would like to name off and thank, but you all know who you are. Thank you for your wisdom and your tough love at times. You all are truly amazing people. God knew what He was doing when He called you all to be coaches.

You probably are wondering how I ended up in nursing school now huh? Well, due to my shoulder injury I decided to stop playing softball. I also chose to stop because to be a nursing student and play softball was very time consuming due to clinical hours. Many colleges I talked to advised me to do physical therapy or sports training instead, but that was not a part of my dream or the calling God put on my heart. I was a senior in high school going through a lot of the stress a senior in high school may go through. I started to really think hard and serious about what I wanted to do with my life. With my injury(s) (I got hurt quite a lot, not just including my shoulder), I really questioned my future as a softball player. At the time I was on a travel team writing countless college letters with the help of my dad and coaches. I had some offers from a couple colleges but none of those schools seemed to be the right fit.

At the time I felt a strong calling to be a nurse. I had the opportunity my junior and senior year of high school to go and serve on two mission trips in Kentucky, Appalachia. Those mission trips truly changed my life. I have always had an interest in the medical field and with my injuries that began my junior year of high school and my countless trips to the doctor/ physical therapy sessions, I began to love it. I was told by my mother, since she worked at my high school, that one of the mission trip directors wife was a nurse. She then continued to tell me that his wife was a nurse who got to go on mission trips and serve. Then and there, a spark of interest filled my mind and percolated. After my first mission trip I got to go on, I realized I loved serving people and my love for the Lord truly began to grow. After my second mission trip my senior year, that dream of being a nurse and going on mission trips started to become more and more real for me. It was then I had a change of heart (which I think was truly from God.) So, I started to listen to my mother’s advice and pray about that decision. The more and more I prayed the more doors closed and new ones opened.

I got a call from a friend and countless texts to look into GCU and meet with a counselor. So, I decided to look into the school and saw that they had a great nursing program. I made a decision that was very hard, but I gave the counselor a call and set a date to talk to her about GCU with me and my dad. I still remember the day as if it was yesterday. I met with this kind GCU advisor and went over the success plan for GCU nursing students and she mapped out what my four years would look like there as a student nurse.  I couldn’t have been more excited or happy. I made the decision right then and there after the meeting to commit to GCU. In my heart I knew it was where I was supposed to be. The drive home was hard because I knew softball had officially become a part of my past and that special bond and chapter with my dad was closing too. I took a leap of faith on nursing school and a college I had never even visited before. In my heart I knew it was where God was calling me to be. 

Let me tell you though, that leap of faith that I took was one of the best decisions I could have ever made. I still remember the first day I was anxiously waiting for that acceptance letter to come in the mail to start the nursing program. I was so happy I cried when I saw I was accepted (I am not a crier usually too, which tells ya something). I currently am 72 days away from graduating (yes, I have been counting lol). I truly and completely love what I am doing. I am only a little over 2 months away from graduating with my BSN. I have done countless hours of clinicals and countless hours of studying but it has been the most rewarding, hardest, and at the same time easiest thing I have ever done. By easiest I mean, the most natural... (nursing school is tough). I truly believe I have been called to be a nurse. When I put on those scrubs, my stethoscope, and my white (not so white anymore) lol nursing shoes; I feel like I can conquer the world. I am a new person. I love serving and helping people and I could do it easily for the rest of my life.

This first blog was meant to be a little intro about me and my journey into nursing school and I’m sure you will learn a lot more about me as time goes on. If there is anything I can end this first blog on it would be this: Lift up your plans and your dreams to God and He will make a way for the right doors to open and the right doors to close. “God sees us for who we are turning into.” During that dark time in my sophomore year of college, I did not see who God was turning me into. This journey was not easy one bit to get up to this point, but looking back on everything now it all makes sense and the gaps have started to fill in and the big picture is emerging.

So I challenge you all.  “When people meet you, make them feel like they are MEETING HEAVEN for the first time.” Also God sees you for who you are turning into and He loves you just as you are right now.

YOU ARE BELOVED.

With that, love Jess.

I’d love to hear your stories or pray for you!

When people meet you, make them feel like they are meeting heaven for the first time."

quote from a pastor/ church service that changed my life.