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lovelyhaiku · 6 months
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⚠️ trigger warning: death, suicide, medical PTSD, self-harm ⚠️
“I wasn’t ready to die”
My life almost ended several times.
I watched my life spring from me at 14,15,16,17,
Thinking I was slipping from my pain and misery.
I knew I didn’t want to die,
But back then I couldn’t find a good enough reason to stay alive.
As 22 my life turned upside down like I’d never knew,
And suddenly I was fighting my own body,
A genetic anomaly found within the innermost parts of me.
This body I tried to hard to keep going,
Was dragging me down into complete unknown.
Just when I found myself back on my feet,
A pathogen and my body came to meet.
Floating through consciousness in the rush to the ICU
I have never been more terrified, but there was nothing that even I could do.
I watched that monitor on my bedside dive and freeze,
And all the air in my lungs immediately leave.
I wanted to scream
Shout
Cry
All I knew is that I wasn’t ready to die.
When I finally came to,
In a room so ever fucking hideously blue
With monitors screaming
And the never ceasing beeping
I spent six days without actually sleeping.
I was miserable, but fighting,
All I knew was that I had been far too close to actually dying.
I survived. I lived.
I’ve never been so truly grateful for this life I have been given.
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lovelyhaiku · 6 months
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Home is where our dreams are
And, my love?
I’m always dreaming about you
Lovely Haiku
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lovelyhaiku · 7 months
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A thousand kisses
And a goodbye hug or two
A thousand and one
Lovely Haiku
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lovelyhaiku · 11 months
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I watch the rain pour down before me,
Wishing I could be on a porch swing
Lazily rockin to and fro
With my head on your knee,
Content as two lovers could be.
Lovely Haiku
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lovelyhaiku · 11 months
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Flowers of a Different Name
I have known the hands that told me they were pulling weeds from my garden, and instead left the whole plot barren.
I have known hands that told me they simply wished to enjoy the experience of laying in my fields, but never wished to plant roots. Passersby have said “How lovely, but too much work.”
I have known hands that told me my flowerbeds are beautiful, but I should have only raised all organic, non-GMO options, but yet, they still poisoned my ground all the same.
My garden is too dark, my garden is too big, my garden is wasted space, soiled ground, too overgrown with diversity to manage, too sparse to be productive.
And then I came to know you. You asked me about the seeds I have sown and why I chose them. You admired the stubbornness of the weeds, the beauty of the blooms, and smiled in the patches of sunlight that bled through the canopy of trees overhead. You offered your hands for what hopes I had, but respected my need to tend the garden on my own. You soothed my aching shoulders, and kissed my sunburnt face.
And then I walked through your garden, enjoying the change, noting that no two gardens are ever the same. Though I am new to your garden, and I don’t yet know the flowers by name, I will help you to grow them, all the same.
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lovelyhaiku · 1 year
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For a long time,
I felt likely I was giving away so many pieces of me.
I thought that was love,
I give you pieces and you protect them,
Arrange them and when I’m all put together again,
Then that will be love.
Love was transactional.
I felt like a puzzle that multiple people attempted
But eventually walked away from.
Some people took pieces in their pockets,
Others I reverse pickpocketed to plant a piece of me,
And some people even took scissors to my pieces.
What the hell do I do with myself now?
Where do I even begin, when there’s no do-over?
My heart looked like a massacre.
I had to morn.
I had to grieve what I could never be,
That I would never be this perfect image in my head,
That I would never be “completed.”
Then I heard about a girl who used clippings,
Tiny scraps and torn pages of magazines,
Newspapers, posters, gift cards,
And she made art.
She turned scraps and the common persons trash
Into stunning images.
I’ve played with my pieces for awhile.
I took some away,
I burned others.
I cried for some,
And raged for reminders of nights under covers,
With his demonic hands on my skin.
Until I stood in the mirror,
So different than ever before.
You’re right, I’m not the girl you knew before,
I am all of her,
And so much more.
Lovely Haiku
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lovelyhaiku · 1 year
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Life comes with many sharp edges,
Meetings with teeth bared
And hackles pointedly raised,
Poised to pounce
At the slightest of slights.
You cusp my edges in your hands,
Careful not to cut yourself
On my sharpened teeth,
Born from years of defense.
My form begins to thaw,
My mind relaxing under your gaze.
I realize love is so many things
That I’ve thought of a hundred different ways
And been told of a thousand ways more,
But this is something I haven’t felt before.
Your presence is soft and comfortable,
Like a blanket inviting me to take a rest,
Have a laugh,
Life isn’t meant to be so serious.
I can lay down my sword with you,
And just enjoy the view.
Lovely Haiku
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lovelyhaiku · 1 year
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It is hard to show sympathy
To someone who is the bringer
Of so much catastrophe.
Lovely Haiku
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lovelyhaiku · 1 year
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My coworkers chit chat
About plans to celebrate the new year
While I grapple with reality,
Wondering if next Christmas
My father will still be here.
Someone asks me what my plans are.
How do you make happy plans,
While waiting to find out
If your father has cancer?
Lovely Haiku
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lovelyhaiku · 1 year
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I hate that I’m part of your “body count.”
When visions return to my head
Of the times with you in bed,
I wish I could set the whole goddamn thing on fire,
Light you up with all of it in a funeral pyre.
Goodbye to the notches in the bed post
Setting ablaze the evidence
Of those who’ve held me the close,
But for you,
I wish it the most.
Lovely Haiku
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lovelyhaiku · 1 year
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Repost
“I have been thinking of how I want to be touched by you, with hands that will play me like piano keys, with fingers that will make a symphony out of me.”
— Karese Burrows
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lovelyhaiku · 1 year
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On evenings like these
I ponder my existence
Wondering if I’ve been condemned
To a life of yearning
For connections I cannot fathom,
Even though I feel it’s pull
From every single atom
In the complex mess
I call a heart.
Lovely Haiku
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lovelyhaiku · 1 year
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The darkness speaks to me
At 12:30 AM
Loudly pronouncing my loneliness
To the single occupied bed
The space beside me
Growing only larger in my head
I become smaller, shrinking,
Isolated perpetuation
A vicious inundation
Of thoughts in my head
From “my side” of the bed.
Lovely Haiku
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lovelyhaiku · 2 years
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I told you I loved you
At the time.
It wasn’t a lie.
That’s what I truly believed
And thought what I felt,
Love- it felt right.
Eventually,
It no longer reflected accuracy,
I felt an oddity
Between you and me.
That oddity turned to curiousity
And suddenly
You were exactly where I never wanted to be
Bound to someone
Not truly, just desperately,
Afraid of being lonely.
The truth is I didn’t love you.
I loved the idea of you.
But the person who stared back at me
With muted empathy
Was willing to sacrifice their individuality
To hold onto me.
That’s something I could never seek,
Let alone dare to speak,
To tell you didn’t love me either.
You were looking for someone to be an ether,
To numb your self hatred.
The idea of someone beautiful
Loving all your ugly,
There is no greater tragedy
Than two people who don’t love each other
But chain themselves nonetheless,
For a commitment that is —essentially
Worthless.
Lovely Haiku
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lovelyhaiku · 2 years
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There came a day,
It was sometime before Christmas,
Where I started to feel things become so strange.
I sat across from him before the tree,
A large present held in his hands,
But it was not for me.
It was my gift to him.
I spent so much money
And so much time,
Only to realize that the person across from me
No longer felt like “mine.”
Because even though we took pictures,
We held hands,
And he told me he loved me over and over again,
Something in my heart was starting to bend.
I didn’t put it together until recently,
But I finally realized the reason I was coming apart.
This was the first Christmas I spent without you,
And your loss was still a tethered weight on my heart.
I broke up with him before my brothers wedding,
And realized as a stood in the bridal party line,
He and I had never been right.
As I watched my brother say I do,
All my thoughts were surrounded by you.
Lovely Haiku
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lovelyhaiku · 2 years
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Please.
Please.
Just come back to me.
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lovelyhaiku · 2 years
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I spent the weekend at home again
Drawing circles on the floor
Tried to keep myself from hurting
Don't know why anymore
I just wanna talk about it
I know I freaked you out
I just wanna talk about it
Sorry for freaking out
Why We Ever // Hayley Williams
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