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londonfromparis · 10 months
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I think I loved you. But in that moment where I told you that I did - you just froze up - it made me not like you. Because you knew me better than anyone else and you couldn’t even give me the slightest bit back. It wasn’t even a matter of love - you were unkind.
I’d spend my days pouring my soul out to you, in constant hopes of receiving something back. I’d watch you unravel and I never wavered. I put patches over the holes in our relationship and painted them over to make them look pretty.
Then, when you decided you’d had enough. You didn’t even have the kindness to let me go. You held me on your fingertips - knowing that I loved you - and knowing you wouldn’t love me, because you were too scared to be alone. And I wouldn’t dare leave you.
Then you filled our days with silence until you decided you wanted to see me. Always at your will. I’d justify it all because on good days, it felt like it did at the beginning.
And then I met him. And I learned how to let you go. How to accept love that was kind. That wanted me as much as I wanted it. Finally, you call me. You want to talk about us.
I tell you there’s nothing left to discuss.
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londonfromparis · 10 months
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I’d seen far too much uncertainty. People who could never be so sure if they loved me. They’d waver back and forth, hold on and then let go. As if there was something wrong with me, when they just were unsure of themselves.
Then there was you. You held on tight. You opened the door and let me in. And you were sure of me.
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londonfromparis · 10 months
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If I could pinpoint an exact moment that we fell apart - it was when I told you I loved you. It was supposed to be a beautiful moment. One for the books. But you just froze up. From that moment, things were never the same. You just retreated and shut me out. All because I loved you. How terrible was that?
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londonfromparis · 10 months
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Suddenly - it seemed you loved me. Just when it was too late. When I let go of you hand. Shut the door. Walked away. Just then you had decided that you didn’t want to lose me. I would say timing is a funny thing - but you don’t love me - you really just don’t want to be alone.
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londonfromparis · 11 months
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If it were up to me, we would have never broken up. I never wanted space, or distance, or time away from you. That wasn’t on me. I was confident in my love for you - it never wavered. You never were. And now you want to talk about things? Fix them? No. I know that you aren’t what I want anymore. I’m not waiting for you to figure out if I’m worth your time.
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londonfromparis · 11 months
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Love. Something I just had too much of. The last few times I offered it up to someone, it was thrown back in my face. It makes you think being vulnerable is just total bullshit.
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londonfromparis · 1 year
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I think what made moving on so hard was feeling like you owed it to someone or something to not leave. You tie yourself to the past. You go through the memories and everything the place or person has given you and you feel like you just can’t do it. Leaving doesn’t feel like an option. You know you’ve outgrown it. You know you don’t belong anymore. You know it’s not making you happy anymore - the choice is clear, but somehow you’re still stuck.
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londonfromparis · 1 year
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It’s so silly, but I love you so much. I lied that night on the train when I told you I didn’t actually mean it. It was a slip - not the real thing.
I think you knew it too. You always felt guilty after that because you didn’t feel that same way. I think it really ate at you.
And that really ended up being it. You couldn’t love me like I loved you. So there wasn’t anywhere to go from there. It was the worst kind of standstill.
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londonfromparis · 2 years
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Here I was, falling all over again. We’d just lay there and look at each other, smiling ear to ear - and then breaking out laughing because it was ridiculous how happy we were. I wanted to hold on to those moments forever or somehow bottle up that feeling. I just knew it was the beginning of something really special.
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londonfromparis · 2 years
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I am responsible for my own happiness. I don’t need anyone else to protect me or warn me about the decisions I make. I know how I feel - no one else does. If I get hurt - then I’m okay with that. It’s a lesson learned, and it was a decision I thought was right at the time. This is how I grow.
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londonfromparis · 2 years
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londonfromparis · 2 years
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It was a feeling I hadn’t felt in so long. I wanted to wrap it up in a box and keep it forever - just so I could never forget how happy I was. I could feel the memory and emotion slipping from head as seconds passed - and it only made me crave it more. But moments like this one, they’re only as special as they are because they’re rare. So I let it go - and waited until I was lucky enough to feel it all again.
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londonfromparis · 2 years
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I could feel that little click. The electric chemistry between us. It felt surreal - after all the heartbreak, suffering, and healing, for someone to make you feel butterflies in your stomach again, I just didn’t know what to do. I just knew I wanted to hold on to that moment because it reminded me that I can fall in love again. You were not the be all end all - I will find someone who is right for me.
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londonfromparis · 2 years
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At some point, we just let each other go. It’s not easy - especially when you go from being in love to nothing. At first, we really fought to hold on to bits and pieces of each other - but at some point, you have to realize that’s just too painful. We were trying to feel connection long after it was gone. I think when you’ve had enough - that’s when you can move on.
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londonfromparis · 2 years
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It’s crazy to think sometimes it really is that simple - when you start treating yourself with some respect and self-love, people give the same to you. For me, it was learning to set boundaries, to say no. It was also learning to say yes, to not miss out on opportunities and take chances on new things and people. My relationships improved, I stopped grieving the past so much, and I actually felt happy.
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londonfromparis · 2 years
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I didn’t know what had came over me. I just felt light. Like the weight I’d been carrying on my shoulders suddenly disappeared.
Learning to be without you was not easy. The anxiety wasn’t easy. The medication made it harder before it made it easier. Therapy - and the willingness to be honest with myself was cruel at first.
And anyways - letting go is one of those things that happens when you don’t realize it. I tried so hard to pretend I wasn’t still hurting, that I didn’t lose the person I loved so much. I panicked trying to fill the empty space - bringing myself down in the process.
Then, one day, I just learned to start loving myself. I learned to focus on bettering who I was, and put energy into improving myself and fostering the relationships I had. Out of nowhere - you just sort of slipped out of my mind.
Without you, I began to shine. I got promoted to head of my department. I landed more collabs for my blog and built a community within it. I became closer with my current friends and made some amazing new friends. I found a style I love. I improved my life at home and my relationship with my family. I learned to manage and cope with my anxiety disorder in a healthy way. I came out of my shell again. I smiled more. Laughed more. Felt at ease.
Breakups do feel like the end of the world - and healing, yes, it takes a bit of time. I felt like I’d lost my whole world, but like they say, one door closes, another opens. I found a little piece of myself - and I love who I am becoming.
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londonfromparis · 2 years
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I took a deep breath and threw your letter away. I ripped it not once - but several times - until the words and letters were so jumbled they could never be put together again. I didn’t want to read it now. Nothing in it was true - not anymore. Holding onto it just allowed you to have some weird power over me, even though you’ve been gone for months. So I tossed your t-shirts and your photos too. I expected it to feel so gut-wrenching - but really, it was freeing.
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