nostalgia came around again

In these late evenings I find myself in the shoes of my own years ago. Black converse I treasure strapped to my ankles, my armor to fight off those who wouldn’t understand my socially awkward demeanor. Those days where the sun seemed to set for hours. Sitting and basking in the golden warmth opening an entire new essence of life and loneliness. 

How could such beauty be enjoyed alone? Thats when it’s most significant I think. Being able to feel your heart break and no one else around, the sun will hear you. It shines on you for a second longer to remind you of the love you have inside you. 

In the year 2014 I had no one who knew me. I sat and consumed hours of content on the internet to try and absorb personality traits and opinions in the off chance someone wanted to hear me out. That wasn't often. I had few friends, even fewer acquaintances. I just had myself and the few closest to me feeling like strangers. 

I am so annoying because I need so much right now. 

So familiar. 

But its not my 13th birthday anymore. I don't have to keep waiting to feel like I have control on my life. Like I need to be liked and appreciated by everyone I couldn't stand to try and talk to. People who ignored my presence in the hallways. Forgotten in the summers to enjoy long sunsets alone. Nothing but a girl with no place in the world to stay loyal to. 

Today, at 20 years old, I recognize just how young I am. I realize I am away from my home in hopes to gain a document that proves I am stronger than most. I am providing for myself in such insane ways, people can see that. Maybe there wont be the appreciation I always wanted. Maybe no one will like the pictures I feel most beautiful in, because  I never posted them. I wont need the guys sliding up and complimenting me, trying to ask for nudes in the night time because they see me as more. Maybe people I used to know wont try and reach out, remembering the funny, cool girl that would smoke you out and talk your ear off if given the chance. I miss the way being busy felt. I miss the way being lonely just meant I was waiting for my peak, isn't that now?

Sometimes I wanna take the big risks! Make the big mistake that I can't make up for. But why do that when I could keep remaining that girl you know of but don't recognize outside of school. A 7 at best. The “Is she smart or just rude?”.The girl who kinda looks like she’d be cool but isn't worth getting to know. But then again, I cannot even maintain that. In the days I had the big friend groups. The group calls, the big text chats. I couldn't deal. I was distant. Insecure about everything. Far removed from the rest.Too busy trying to focus on my own personal issues to focus on having fun with them. Going out with sparse when you live 2 hours away now. Whats the point when they all move on and your still trying to catch up? No one will remember you. You had no significant impact. But who cares????

I’m fucking blessed. maybe if I exuded that I would get what I craved. Maybe if I wasn't scared of always being judged, people would see that. A smile instead of eyes to the floor. Looking cute and put together at all times isnt a tall task. Having a healthy relationship and a good family aren't hard to have. I just gotta get this paper and then its apartment shopping. Decorating the bathroom and posting my view from our balcony. Planning parties with our friends in the early fall, when the sun sets with inches behind it. Kiss under that light, breathe each other in, knowing that never again will I feel the sun is the only skin I feel against mine. 

I will learn to forgive and move forward. I want to grow up slowly, but have the things I should've had when I was younger. The things I could have had if I chose to be more of an adult instead of pretending like I could ever be that girl. As if that girl ever even followed me back. Or wanted a streak with me. Don't waste her time, Cute shoes though! Get the car, have the closet you love, smell good. Do your work! Go to class. Be silent in the face of ugly. why even waste your time on earth worrying about the people too ignorant to see how much you’re flourishing right now?? Idiots I tell you, so jealous.

Goodnight for now.