Tumgik
ladinabox · 4 years
Text
When the stars align
I think of you all the time
Every day and every night
Much as I have tried
I have given up on the fight to get you out of my mind
When I close my eyes
You are often in sight
Are you having a good time
Or like me, just getting by
I have learned to live my life
Without you by my side
Between us the distance continues to lie
Is this a plight
Or a blessing in disguise
Here and there we would exchange a few lines
Each time passion reignites
With or without signs
I keep on hoping for
The stars to align
Oh, when the stars align.
0 notes
ladinabox · 4 years
Text
On the right track?
Listening to Laura passionately setting down her plan for life, I couldn’t help but broke the news that life does not happen that way. And indeed it hasn’t, at least not for me yet.
I wrote up a list of goals to accomplish by the time I turn 30 when I was about to turn 25 amidst the darkest moments of my life (touch wood), in an effort to lift myself up for an upward trend. The list itself did not work per se, but my life did turn around. I do not even remember what exactly I had put down on the list, but it is evident that not much from the list has been achieved. I would have gotten a Phd degree, come out to my parents and a lot of other things I thought would have done by now. The reality is that it seems I am as far from those goals as I was 6 years ago. But the glass-half-full part of me do also think that the steps I have embarked upon do make me feel like I an inching closer to being honest with my parents, and most importantly myself, as I am getting more and more settled with who I am.
Maybe Ben is right, young as he is. Maybe this list of goals will still somehow materialize, but it doesn’t have to be by a certain age. I vaguely recall a line from a movie or TV show that “life is what happens when you are busy making plans.” I have always interpreted this as what you have planned to do will never happen. What if I have been looking at it all wrong? What if the life that has happened while you are busing making plans is pointing you towards the right direction of accomplishing your list? With this faith, life beaming with hope. As the great Steve Jobs said in the Stanford Commemoration, you cannot connect the dots forwards, you can only connect the dots backwards. I just need to trust that every step I have taken is a step in the right direction, even if sometimes I have to take one step back to make two steps forward.
As I ventured into the new decade, I am yet again planning more goals to add to my timeless list, in which I still don’t know what I have included as I cannot locate the list on my google drive. Two goals stand out. I have been very vocal about my desire to have children, complicated as the logistics may be. I have felt over the last half of the past decade that I have a lot of love to give, and I would like to have this love for my children, and bring them up with what I believe is right, love.
On a less personal and selfish level, I have been thinking about dedicating myself to promote mental health amongst teenagers. It started with my calling to be the person I needed when I was growing up, confused about who I am and what I should be. I needed a role model and advocate who understood my struggle to assure me that whatever I was going through was part of life, my confusion and anxiety were just as common as anybody else’s, and give me guidance and teacher me strategies to help myself, or rather, accept myself. My experience as a teacher has blessed me with the opportunity to witness all the amazing growth among the youngsters. And I always feel so inspired when I am a part of their journey to overcome personal obstacles. I was leaning towards helping the lost LGBTQ teenagers, but lately I realize that as a human race, our collective self is much more than our orientation. Mental health struggles are universal. Self acceptance is a basic human need. I will endeavor to inch towards this goal.
I don’t know where this decade will take me. But I have faith that I am on the right track, making the right steps.
0 notes
ladinabox · 4 years
Text
The last time
Instagram-worthy amazing views, affordable prices , and an exotic country can be all summed up in one word, Bookable. Here I am browsing through ideas for the half term break less than two months away while tossing and turning at 2:30 a.m. on my last night in Shenzhen of this 7 week summer holidays. 
And the sentiments that this might be my last night in Shenzhen flushed my nose and welled up my eyes. It is not my last night in Shenzhen for sure, but it might well be the last time that I lied in this bed in this bedroom of this very apartment on the 25th floor that lived most of my youth. 
We moved into this home in 2001 before puberty had caught up to my sensitive needs. Then I went to a boarding high school in 2004, where I only spent 2 nights a week here in the first year and the time was halved in the next two years. 4 years in Beijing might have yielded 8 or 9 visits whenever there was a semester break with an additional visit here or there. Then came another 4 years that were spent in the States, during which I only returned to China once. The subsequent frequency of my home visits after committing to teaching in international schools resembles that of my uni-life. If I do the math, compared to the statement of mom who will be moving to the new apartment way out of Shenzhen with my dad, that she has spent almost two decades in this apartment, my time is actually quite underwhelming. 
As I inhabit in different cities and travel to different countries in an island-hopping manner, my feeling of home is more grounded by the sense of belonging and comfort, rather than the attachment to a physical location. Airbnb sure sometimes helps with getting that home-y charm you can only get outside of living in a hotel. When a routine is established, I feel right at home. The month I spent in Barcelona before coming back to Shenzhen this summer, I felt right at home. Study, eat, chill, go for grocery, stroll along the beach to take in the breeze, and sleep. It totally satisfies our innate needs for patterns. 
Then it hit me that I might be bidding goodbye to this little room that stored more than just the stacks of CDs, rows of dusty books, various notebooks of not just studying notes but also teenage nonsense, letters and postcards from primary school mates that I have lost touch with, all kinds of memorabilia, and the cliche, the memories of all those moments of reflection to self growth, aka talking to myself. It also gave me the privacy and security to enjoy myself, sometimes on a daily basis when that teenage blood was rocketing. 
I am laying in this room being sentimental for the last time. Well, am I?
0 notes
ladinabox · 6 years
Text
I want to see what you see.
“I still have a lot of feelings for you and like you a lot, but you are not the one I want.” “Did you really mean it? Was it more of a self coping mechanism?’’ Mike saw right through me as I was trying to play it light sorting through my thoughts. I took a few aimless sips of my lactose free latte at Cafe Grande that sits by the river on my last afternoon in Zürich. I wonder if you have been here before.
“Maybe.” I mumbled without much conviction. “ Yeah I like him a lot, but he’s not the one for me. Not right now.” Better. “Anyways, I want to go check out Uetliberg.“ I had to change the subject. My act would break. “Why?” Mike showed concern but I think he understands I need to do this. I was wearing my Tods with Läderach souvenirs in my hand. “ But the weather is gorgeous for it. Do you really want to do this hike?” “Yes.”  Said with more certainty. “ I want to see Zurich from afar.” Not entirely true, but good enough, I think. “But your hotel in Oerlikon had the best views of Zurich.” Ouch. “ Yeah, I didn’t get to take pictures there,” which was true. “I want to go.”
I thought about asking if you wanted to sneak in a quickie to compensate for the friendly night we had when I was determined to go on this hike with the least suitable shoes for the activity. I didn’t. The hike to me was a lot more important, all of a sudden. I didn’t feel the weight of it until my trip was wrapping up.
I had planned to come for you when I booked the trip in October. With all the unrealistic expectations and my self-directed drama, the writings were on the wall. In the end, it was a few weeks of anger and disappointment and exaggeration of what happened, followed by reflection and wishing you well. I thought about reaching out, but I didn’t have the courage and the strength. Until I got to Zurich. I detoured away from Zurich for the first half of my trip to give myself a chance to think. Then I felt it from the rain in Geneva. It made me think of the downpour we were waiting out under the tree by Marina Bay. Good memories. I know I want to see you. I want to talk. The next thing we know, you paid 17 CHF for one cappuccino and two glasses of fresh pressed orange juice (your glass had a lot more for some reason) from a bottle at La Stanza.
It was a nice and calm conversation. I did not let my emotions take charge. It was all logical. And I kept it together when you asked me why I reached out to you as we parted, I was able to tell you the truth, with not much melodrama. I was proud of myself. Until I caught a glimpse of you gazing at my direction when I turned around on the tram while it was pulling away. With the rain drizzling down, it was saddening as much as beautiful.
I was debating whether I should see you again the next night. I know you’d be wondering the same thing. All the logic goes out of the window when feelings are involved. I want to see you. I know I would always regret it if I didn’t see you again the next night. I have missed you. The kiss, the hug, the cuddles, I felt more than just lust. I felt comfort. That’s the thing. I feel at ease with your presence.
It might have been the first time we Facetimed. It happened to be you were hiking somewhere in Zurich. You showed me the view. Honestly, I don’t remember much more than just clear sky and how sweet it was. I also remember thinking, I want to see this in person. I want to come here. I want to see what you see. Uetliberg might not have been the same trail. But I don’t care. I want to see what you see.
I went to Bindella, Globus for grocery (but ended up not buying anything), Pulcino, not just because I needed recommendations. I want to understand your life. I want to see what you see.
Hiltl was a bonus. When Mike said he made reservation at a famous vegetarian restaurant, I immediately thought of you telling me going to a vegetarian place often. It would have been quite a story had I run into you there. But like I said, cut down on the drama.
I am not sure where to go from here. But I stand firm on only wanting good things for you. I hope that you will find your locker.
“Will this end up on your blog?” You know it:)
Tumblr media
0 notes
ladinabox · 6 years
Text
Made to order?
‘What is your biggest fear in life?’ The question found its way out of mouth when M and I were spooning after round one. I knew I’d be reciprocated with the same question after he said “being left behind”. M is a people pleaser, he says so himself. And he acts by his words. And he is always chatting and asking questions, most of which are inviting and interesting. You know he’s been around the block with his cock.
“Thinking that I am not good enough.” I said without much hesitation. Wasn’t thinking about the answer when I asked the question or while I listened to M’s story. It just came out, the way the question did. So many flashbacks. I always had this mentality that something is wrong with me and I had to prove to the world that I am worthy. That something wrong, years later I realized, is the fact that I am gay. What a cultural sin. And an actual sin in some parts, if not most, of the world. I don’t associate my homosexuality with wrongness anymore. But the mentality still haunts me. I always feel that I have to show people everything I have got. The longing for validation is real. I show my cards to employers, friends, and guys.
As the constant theme of my life, one of my cards I always show completely is my feelings. Every time I tell myself, this will be the last time. Until I fall head over heels again. Something is wrong with me. Ugh, that mentality again. I believe in love at first sight. But I also believe in people working together to make things work. And to make things work, you have to be transparent about your preferred system. Cause I don’t want energy go into wastes. At some point early on in my journey of the pursuit of love, I am very honest about my feelings and I share them. And of course, being the all-in type-A planner that I am, I always scare people away by omitting aura full of what is seemed as unrealistic expectations and putting too much pressure on the receiving end. I know it.
This is not something I can change easily. If there’s anything I have learned after crossing paths with so many people in work and in personal life, is that you can’t change a person. Or maybe, this is not something I should change. Not that I am giving in to fate. But this is who I am. I have been learning to play to people’s strengths. To do that, I need to learn to play to my strengths. Sensitive, loyal, honest. That’s who I am when building relationships in general. Definitely cut down on the melodrama, I will admit.
“You are special.” I have heard this a few times over the years. But you know what happens to the Specials? The menu changes. Sure, people see something new and they try it. But what makes people keep going back to a restaurant is its signature dishes. I am going to keep the traits on my plate and cook it up so good, and it will be Prix Fixe only.
0 notes
ladinabox · 7 years
Text
Thinking ‘bout you
I walked to the Starbucks from the departure gate after your last wave with instant flashback over the last two days. Thought I would never shed a tear at Changi again. Then my moment came in the middle of ordering the soy pumpkin spice latter with little whip cream.
"Feelings are overrated.” Josh once had it written in BIG capital letters at the garage door when I went over after a melodramatic post on Facebook with the exact same words. I exhaled a laugh and called my best friend bastard. I don’t remember exactly what the post about, but I know I have always been prone to the power of feelings.
As I jump from one boner to another over the years, I know that feelings will go down over time, just like all the boners do. I have gotten more used to my vulnerability, but I still feel things ferociously as ever. I have learned to exert more control over the manifestation of my feelings. If you know me, you’d argue that it is complete bullshit, as I pretty much wear my heart on my sleeve. When emotions are in charge, you say stupid shit and have unrealistic expectations.
I fought all my instinct so as to keep you safe from my sentimentality. An hour of afternoon delight managed to turn into pen pal text exchange. We live in similar cities with massively different humidity, both not a place where we want ourselves to be right now. It goes without saying that we are not meant to be.
So I never told you that your texts always make my day. I didn’t tell you how nice it is to have someone willing to share with me, whatever you are willing to share. I didn’t tell you how much I liked it when you kissed me on the short trip down from 57 to 55 at MBS, and how you wrapped yourself around me from the back when you were walking around packing for your departure. And no matter how much I wanted to ask you to give us a chance when we kissed goodbye and you held me so tight, I could only tell you that I will miss you.  
These feelings will go down.
But I will be thinking about you.
youtube
0 notes
ladinabox · 7 years
Text
73 hours
Your silence cuts like a knife.
I keep wondering about what I did not do right.
You appear to be busy and don't have the time,
But you and he together spent the night. 
When we parted at Changi,
Neither of us acted clingy.
You didn’t say you love me,
It only brought out my insecrutiy.
Will you share more with me, I begged.
“Yes”, gently you acquiesced.
Fewer and fewer texts I would get,
Is whatever we had, already, dead?
From Crew to the infinity pool,
I am still just as close as a dial getting through. 
Love takes two,
That always walk in each other’s shoes.
Thousands of miles do not set love apart,
The difference in what we want makes us part.
Take me back to the start,
I will still give you all my heart. 
There could have been so much more,
But my heart is getting sore.
I am tired of knocking on your closed door.
What will I say when you call?
0 notes
ladinabox · 8 years
Text
Now
(It is never an easy or intelligent attempt to translate one’s own work into another language, unless you are a native speaker of both languages. And I am not. Some things sometimes are just lost in translation somewhere. It’s been years since I last wrote my thoughts down in one long piece in Chinese. I managed to sit through my self-diagnosed adult ADHD and put my thoughts together. Thought it would be fun to share how I feel about now. Not now, but NOW. So here it goes.)        In 2010, a few months before Microsoft shut down MSN Spaces (Windows Live Spaces), an email was sent to urge users to either transfer all existing entries to Wordpress or download the files before the termination of service. Laziness got the better part of me when I first read the message, and I failed to take immediate action. “I still got a few good months, I should just go down to the canteen to fill up my tummy before it’s closed.” Saving my teenage memories, mostly rants, was on my mind though. I kidded myself that I would do it the next weekend, and the closure was still a few months away. Next thing I knew, the proof of my youth turned into zilch.        I once went backpacking in Malaysia in January 2011. While on a bus in Penang, I came across a friendly old gentleman of Chinese heritage, whom I called grandpa (Ye ye) in Chinese, as it is also a general term of respect for the elderly men. After learning that I am Chinese, he spared no hospitality to become my tour guide for the day, generously sharing his knowledge of Penang culture, taking me into local houses for a visit. I was blessed with world class friendliness. When the time came to bid farewell, I wanted to reciprocate an offer to be his tour guide should he ever go to Shenzhen. But I didn’t. Slim as the chances of him going to China were, I was caught in the fear of not being able to fulfill such a promise if he did visit. Instead I ended the day with a polite good night as well as a grateful thank you. Reflection and appreciation came hand in hand after we parted. Had it been out of courtesy or not, I should have told him that I would be honored to show him around in Shenzhen. Guilt woke me up early the next morning. I went searching for him at the park where he said he would always go playing chess during the day. I was as alert looking for him as one would be when looking for little monsters to throw balls at in Pokemon Go. It took me three laps around the park in 90 minutes to realize that my friendship with “Grandpa” had sailed the night before when I said goodbye instead of giving out a thankful and harmless invitation.        Across the northern hemisphere in June the same year, I was lying on the grass outside Capital Region International Airport in Lansing, looking up to a sky of unfamiliar pure blueness with a few marshmallowy clouds. Non-stop big breaths of air of USA freedom. “I want to do this, I want to do that. OMG, I want to do so much!” One of which, after settled in and following a certain account on Weibo, the Chinese knock-off of Twitter, was to go to Northern Michigan to see the pure fall colors. It wasn’t a must, like a lot of other things, but I wanted to do it so much and put it on my bucket list. Pictures of the upper peninsula shared on Weibo were breathtaking. I thought to myself that this trip would happen in the near future. I am particularly interested in seeing the reds. Surprise! The peak of leaves turning red is only a few days in this short season in the midwest. If I do go, I am only going for its prime. It is not an easy or difficult weekend trip that is 7 to 8 hr drive each way from Chicago. I kept waiting for the perfect opportunity. I didn’t have a car in 2011 fall, I didn't have the time in 2012, I didn’t have the mood in 2013, and I didn't have the money in 2014. As 2015 unfolded, I moved to Singapore. Northern Michigan fall colors are still just a beautiful myth portrayed in pictures shared on Weibo.        Four years in the States were packed into twelve boxes that escorted me to little red dot. I spent an entire day unpacking eight boxes: folding clothes, putting things away, and cleaning small furnitures. I planned on getting to the remaining third in a couple days.  A year has passed and the four boxes of past remain opened, but untouched, standing by and collecting dusts in the corner.        If it’s not done now, you might still get to it later, but it often ends up as a lost cause. In Season 4 of Sex and the City, boy next door Aiden proposed to carrie again,“ if you don't want to marry me right now, you'll never want to marry me.”  “That’s not true.” Blah blah blah, you guessed it. Aiden was loved, but his destiny of being a supporting actor was written on the wall. The show dragged on for two more tiresome seasons, as happily ever after would have it, Carrie unsurprisingly returned to the arms of Mr. Big’s.        Indecision itself is a decision.        I have said or heard my friends say the followings: I will do charity when I make more money. I will buy a house when the market cools down. I will go visit the U.K. when it’s incorporated into the Euro Schengen Visa system. The truth is, money is never donated, real estate prices has and is still skyrocketing in China, and oh, there’s Brexit. Excuses to not do something and limitations will never run out. But to do something, it only calls for one decision. Start the engine and drive in a high gear, you are on the way to something. Don’t delay your journey until the perfect moment has arrived. Go now. Immediately, without further ado, right now. RIGHT NOW is the right time.        I was frustrated with having reservations with my field of studies, but I didn't want my prime time for taking in new knowledge to go to waste. So I decided to dedicate my time to learning something new as soon as I realized my frustration. I taught myself Japanese in my spare time. I gave it my all. A year and a half later, I passed the highest level of the Japanese proficiency test at the time. Although the language acquired is pretty much rusty and gone, the lesson has taught me to learn about my own potentials, and more importantly, the power of doing it right now.        Those who have prepared a meal or cook regularly would appreciate the time and effort required. After shopping around and getting the right grocery, the produce needs to be washed, cut or trimmed, and seasoned or marinated. It takes a whole lot to get all the ingredients ready, during which distractions occur, a whatspp message, a buzzfeed video, or a Facebook update. Chopping and prepping stop, and hunger lingers. But as soon as the stove is on and the pan is heated, you know your mouth will be fed soon. Next time you cook, try turning on the stove and heating the pan first, putting up your I need to eat NOW attitude, you will find yourself getting the meal ready a lot faster. Dinner is served in no time.        Well this makes me hungry. I am gonna go turn on the stove and heat up a pan.
       2010年MSN Space 宣布来年要关闭的时候,提前几个月给用户发信,让要么把以前的日志转到wordpress上,要么把电子档下载下来保存。出于懒惰,看到后没有立即行动,反正还有几个月的时间,二食吃饭去。之后一直惦记着这事儿,毕竟那存着我青少年时期的回忆,但却迟迟缺乏行动力。下周末吧,反正还有很多时间。再然后,我的青春就清零了。        2011年一月去马来西亚当背包客,在槟城坐公交车偶遇了一位华人老爷爷,对我上下打量后问我是不是中国人,随后便热情地当我的义务导游,带着我坐公交走本地人的路,去别人家里参观,热心讲解当地文化,很是友好。充实的一天过后,拜别老爷爷时本想说句以后要是来深圳,可要告诉我,我会带你游览鹏城。几率虽小,但要是他真来了我却没有办法接待怎么办呢?于是只是礼貌地道谢,念声晚安。回去后除了感激,便是反省,客套与否,觉得自己没给老爷爷回赠同样的热情,很是懊恼。第二天一早便去了老爷爷说的他经常去下棋的广场找他,左行右踱,开启金睛火眼模式寻影,一个半小时绕了三圈,与老爷爷的缘分在昨晚道别时便消了。        同年六月到了北半球的另一边,躺在兰新机场外的草地上仰望着生疏的蓝天白云,大口地呼吸着美国的自由空气,想着我要做这个,我要做那个,哇塞好多东西想做。其中的一样,在关注北美省钱快报后,便是到北密西根看红叶。也不是一定要看,就像很多事情一样也不是一定要做,但当下就是很想,一直记着。看到微博上别人分享的美丽景色,觉得自己很快就要去感叹大自然的魔幻。北密红叶之盛,其实只有短秋里几天的光景,从芝加哥出发开七八个小时,一个周末来回,说难不难,说易不易,总挂在心上。11年秋天没车,12年没时间,13年没闲情,14年没钱,15年我便辗转到了新加坡,可北密的红叶却仍只如别人照片中那样美。        四年十二个箱子随我一起置身狮城。花了一天的时间拆了八箱子东西,该叠的衣服叠好,该放的杂物放好,该洗的该清洁的小家具整理好,剩下的三分之一,过两天再收拾吧。一年过去了,四箱已拆封却未整理的行李仍原地待命,默默地让小尘小屑慢慢地飘到自己身上。        现在不做,之后才做不是不可以,但结局往往是不了了之。《欲望都市》第四季里,邻家好男孩Aiden再次向Carrie求婚,“如果你现在不想嫁给我,你以后都不会想嫁给我的。” “这…这不是真的.......”,blah blah blah,最后可想而知,Aiden虽说被爱着,但最后他也逃不过配角的宿命,人家继续无关痛痒地虐心两季,回到了一直要死不活却很潇洒的Mr.Big的怀抱。        犹豫不决的本身,便是决定。        等以后有钱再做慈善吧,等以后楼市温和了再买楼吧,等以后英国并入申根签证了再一道去欧洲旅游吧,结果钱从来没捐过,房价火箭般上窜,还有就是,人家日不落帝国退欧了。不做总可以有很多原因和制约;做,只需一个决定,投袂而起,火力全开,难题迎刃而解。别总想等到所谓的良机。立即,马上,现在。现在就是最好的时刻。         苦于对专业的学习无法全身心投入,却又不想浪费大学时吸纳知识的黄金岁月,毅然马上私开小灶学门自己感兴趣的东西,自学日语一年半考得一级资格证书。虽然习得的语言早已生锈,但这次自发学习的意义不在于知识获得的本身,而是让我对自己潜能的了解,感受到了“现在就做”的威力。        做过饭的人知道,菜买回来要洗、切、调味,各种备料很花时间,有时候回个微信、看个微博,“饿死都仲未有得食”。但只要火一开,油一下锅,肚子很快就会被填满了。下次做饭,先开火热锅,抱着“现在就要吃”的决心,料会备得快很多,“即刻有得食”。        饿了,热锅去。
1 note · View note
ladinabox · 9 years
Text
To my mid-20s friends
Where were you 5 years ago? 
Did you picture yourself doing what you are doing and where you are at now?
Is there a massive difference from what you had perceived back then and your status quo now? 
What is the biggest challenge you have overcome to be at where you are now?
What do you consider as your biggest achievement during this time?
What has been the most significant lesson to you? 
When is the last time you told yourself that you did an AMAZING job considering all the struggles you had to go through?
Are you doing what you want to be doing?
ARE YOU HAPPY?
What advice will you give to folks 5 years younger than you?
0 notes
ladinabox · 9 years
Text
Closure
"I love you" and I felt the same way, if not more strongly.
Only that you said your love was different from others', and pretty soon you would have to leave for your journey.
I saw this coming, but I gave you everything I could wholeheartedly.
I knew it was never meant to be, 
But I was all hang up on the dream of yours when under the tree  you kissed me oh so gently.
When you told your stories, I saw your eyes shine.
There were so much more inside, but you kept your hopes up on humankind.
On the bridge you held me, looking afar into the skyline and listening to people walking by. 
It started out all beautiful and romantic, lying on the grass we stared at lakeshore drive,
But in the end I would cry. 
Passion, possession, jealousy, difference, admiration, all mixed in one bowl. 
You yelled at me for trying to gain control, I was too afraid of having to let you go. 
It was a delicious burger, but I just couldn’t have a bite of my order, with the waitress watching us fight in horror.
I shed my tears, and I never wanted to go to Red Robin’s ever. 
I didn’t set to find someone like you,
How it all happened I still have no clue. 
You liked the Hundred-Foot Journey,
I wanted Guardians of the Galaxy.
I should have known, I should have known.
I mistook you as my core and wanted so much more.
You were so kind to tell the truth,
I just wasn’t listening as my heart bruised.
I didn’t know what we were and it is still hard for me to define in words.
You moved on, and I could only say ’So long!'
Labels were not for you I thought, until you told the whole world how you have met your baby of course. 
You have found your land of happiness, and I am stranded on my isolation of loneliness. 
It was such a shame and I only got myself to blame. 
Yeah, right! Like we ever stood a chance.
Like we EVER stood a chance. 
Take my blessing or whatever, I don’t even care.
I don’t even care.
Thirty degrees below zero, outside it’s freezing cold.
Open Grindr and shuffle, I could just grab someone to cuddle.
I really could, but don’t think that I would. 
Keep my head above the water, though I only have myself to cheer.
Trust me, the dark days will be over.
The dark days WILL be over. 
3 notes · View notes
ladinabox · 9 years
Text
Staying up late and create......
It all started when I say,
“I want to make a difference someday.”
A twenty-hour flight it would take,
To get to the almighty United States.
All the lessons I learned have been great, 
Even with the lousiest pay.
I have seen the worst days,
In the best possible ways.
I would get all As,
Until one day I had to live in the shade.
I keep my cool with the smiles I fake,
Inside my confidence shakes.
This might be my fate,
So bent that I am so close to break.
Was this a mistake,
I asked magic 8.
“A ship at harbor is safe, 
but that’s not the reason it’s made.”
With all the downfalls I have faced,
Never once did I ever cave.
From suburbs to lake is a journey on Greenbay,
or a crawling trip via the Interstate.
It doesn’t matter which path you take,
there will always be a way.
It will not just be a piece of cake,
But I have learned how to bake.
Keep chasing the dream with faith,
The world is mine to shape.
0 notes
ladinabox · 9 years
Photo
Tumblr media
Who are you when I am not looking?
0 notes
ladinabox · 9 years
Text
Roger Federer
To @rogerfederer
Persevere and,
Get Betterer;
Roger that.
Tumblr media
(photo from Internet)
#KindRoger #RogerFederer #Fedfans #Inspiration #6wordsproject
0 notes
ladinabox · 10 years
Photo
Tumblr media
"I am on a #payphone , trying to call home, all of my change I spent on you." #maroon5 #payphones #antiquestobe
2 notes · View notes
ladinabox · 10 years
Video
youtube
                         I lived, and am still LIVING it, with HOPES
             I walked into the elevator the other day with a gentleman, who apparently had been smoking and drinking, and the bottle of beer in his hand suggested that it might not be the only one he indulged in that night. I would describe him as a gentleman, because even though something appeared to be on his mind, he didn’t give up his manners. He greeted me with an ingenuous smile and would let me get into the elevator first. “How’s your day going?” He broke the silence. I don’t normally initiate conversations with people in the apartment complex, and since it is always a short trip for me and most of the residents (I live on the 3rd floor in the four stories building), I’d put on a courteous smile and call it a ride. Surprised by the question, I responded politely with my guarded answer “pretty good” followed by a nonchalant “Yours?” as a reflex. I’d learned that greetings as such are not usually intended as an invitation for an ongoing conversation, I asked anyways; not because that’s the standard textbook lines that had been ingrained in my brain for decades (just 2, for the record,haha) of learning English, but I’d always be open to friendly communication with strangers and friends. I had just seen a saying lately that went “Never tell anyone your problems because 20% don’t care and 80% are glad that you have them”. I have no intent or interest in contemplating upon if that should be justified and to what extent the statistics of 20% and 80% would hold true. I am just simply positively hopeful about people. Though at times some actions or speech are deemed negatively jocular or even hostile from others or from me, I’d still believe that we all mean no harm and our origins are good.
                                  “It could have been better,” with a surrendering-to-what-is-going-on-in-life smile he shrugged his shoulders. In an effort to lift him up, I did my best to come up with “Well, tomorrow is another day” in whatever the word less than a second is called, right after the door closes and hoping I would be able to cheer the tipsy gentleman up before arriving at the 2nd floor, where he lives. “Yes, I guess you are right, tomorrow is another day.” He squeezed out a smile. Little did I know that I would be left with him bidding me goodnight with a pessimistic note. “And then you wake up, and do it all over again.” Much as I would like to stop the elevator, I only had the time to say good night with my hopelessly hopeful smile and watched him walk to his apartment with the half-finished bottle of cheer.
              It would be insensitive for me to assume what his problem(s) were or even had any problems. But I have had my shares of feeling that life is just a receptively disappointing cycle where I did’t see any possible way out. A few months ago, I got trapped into this kind of thinking again and would whine about things not happening the way I would like and plan. I’d still have doubts once in a while, yet fortunately, as always, I set a goal for myself. Just like all the downfalls that hit me previously, I managed to strike back working towards a goal, during which I always knew I would make it if I would try my best and yet would get upset if it didn’t work out despite of the hard work. 
               I feel different this time, however, in one aspect. I have learned, not fully mastered yet, to appreciate the growth consolidated along the way. I don’t mean to stereotype, but being a Chinese  (some would argue that Asians in general are like as follows, but I can’t speak for all ), I have been prone to emphasizing on tangible outcomes. Getting As, attending prestigious schools, possessing luxury items, and taking photos of food at restaurants with little concern on real enjoyment of tastes, having a high pay job; you name it, I’d go after all of them. I had attached too little credits to life experience. Three years of teaching and studying, and most importantly, growing with a group of enlightening students and colleague have opened me up to appreciate the nurture of fruits, instead of stark yearnings for conventionally normed success. I believe that all your hard work would pay off, maybe not in the most obvious in-your-face kind of manners, but the experience accumulated along the way, doing what you are doing with trust even though it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel during the process, would make you a better person day by day. I would not know how to answer the question what if it doesn’t work out. I have learned that there is no guarantee in life. But I know that you need to have hopes. The decision is in your hand; you can fret about what’s down, but you can also grab the world by its balls and put on your best attitude and live your life to the fullest, picking up every moment for personal growth and be happy about yourself. You have got to have hopes.  As Gwen Stacy would address in the graduation speech in The Amazing Spider Man 2, “ Don't waste it living someone else's life, make yours count for something. Fight for what matters to you, no matter what. Because even if you fall short, what better way is there to live? It's easy to feel hopeful on a beautiful day like today, but there will be dark days ahead of us too. There will be days where you feel all alone. No matter how buried it gets or how lost you feel, you must promise me that you will hold on to hope. Keep it alive! We have to be greater than what we suffer.. My wish for you is to become hope.. People need that.. And even if we fail... what better way is there to live? “
             I wouldn’t know for sure what goal the gentleman was working towards. I certainly hope that he hasn’t given up on it. I would also hope that he would keep his hopes up and keep fighting for what its worth, knowing that none of the work he has done, or any day he has set foot on this earth, would go to waste. As my father would instruct me, there is no good or bad decision. Your journey might seem like a detour at hand, but when you look back from the next stop or a few stops from now, all the maturity and gains of wisdom have turned into the best souvenirs in your backpack at your disposal anytime. It might still be too early in my life for me to attribute any part of my value system to a given event, as I am constantly on a mission to expand my horizons. Yet the legendary Steve Job’s speech at Stanford’s 2005 commencement did bestow me the vision to connect the dots in life. As the Apple founder addressed, “ you can’t connect the dots looking forward you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something- your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.” And I think it would be safe to say that he made prodigious difference in a lot of people’s life in addition to his own.
               Trust in hopes. I’d buy that gentleman a bottle of cheer and listen to his stories, his dreams, his frustrations, his goals, and his HOPES. I would at least be the first one to ask how his day is when we meet again, and hopefully introduce him to what OneRepublic would sing in I Lived:
I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
Yeah with every broken bone
I swear I lived 
#OneRepublic  #ILived  #HOPES #Cheers
0 notes
ladinabox · 10 years
Video
The rope is just a physical restraint at best. My passion and nature of chasing after my curiosity and interest can never be leashed. Freedom resides within my heart. #nofilter #hyperlapse #yesicandoit #memo #dogs #beautifulsunset #freedomatheart #passion #love
0 notes
ladinabox · 10 years
Video
youtube
Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends [Official Music Video] When you return after you leave, you are always held to the standards and expectations from before your departure, like you've never left before. Everybody's path and journey is different, and yet we often get trapped thinking what has happened to the ones who come back, why isn't it like it used to be.I think of all the separations I have gone through, during which I was all wondering when we would see each other again and if things would ever be the same. I recently learned (not mastered yet, but hopefully the maturity will arrive soon) not to minimize how you and others feel the moment you are at just because you worry that things will change. We will see different things, and have different experiences. And things will change, inevitably. When we meet again, I hope that we have the patience and willingness to understand and celebrate each other's growth, and be happy about the fact that our paths cross once again. The song is a cliched yet also a reminiscent blast from the past. At that time I first heard it, all of my friends, classmates actually, were working sedulously towards our individual goals, as we all do all the time. We clung together, cheered for each other's success and fantasized about what our respective future would look like. Although we were well aware of the impending separations, little did we emphasize on the different journeys we were about to embark upon. I look forward to the days when we meet again and learn about all the ups and downs that have taken us to where we are at, as I know damn well that life is not always about having an ecstatic time at disneyland. No matter where you are and what phase you are at in your life and your career, be it oasis or desserts, I genuinely wish you the readiness to continue. I will be happy to call and wake you up when September ends, and have a long overdue good chat.
0 notes