01/27/19 @ 10:02am

I think I might change my format. Rather than the date and time being the title. I woke up at 9:46am. Much better. I'm making coffee now. I keep sneezing and Daisy keeps barking. Might watch SNL clips with coffee. Which is done. Because the timer dinged.

01/26/19 @ 2:00am

Drinking never helps. It just makes me feel sick to my stomach.

01/25/19 @ 12:44am

I feel like my heart is fucking broken. I'm so irrational right now.

01/25/19 @ 12:14am

Feeling incredibly triggered. Went to a chat site I know is bad for my mental health. It was. Drank tonight. Smoked inside. Got called out. Lied. Can't wind down. Trying my hardest to not go back on that site. Already went incognito mode on there twice. Three times including just now. Just bad feels.

01/24/19 @ 4:29pm

I woke up at 12:22ish. Forgot to update yesterday. Not feeling like updating today.

01/22/19 @ 1:44pm

I woke up at 12:45pm. I'm coughing stuff up but don't want to go to the doctor.

01/21/19 @ 2:52pm

I woke up at like 1:15. I can't stop coughing. I'm actually coughing stuff up though. I took sudafed and ibuprofen. My throat is sore af. I made a large mug of chai tea. It was alright.

01/21/19 @ 1:44am

Still awake. I keep coughing. I don't know if I've been smoking too much or what. But the coughing is bothering me. It's not a productive cough. My throat just has a tickle. Bdsmlr @ 348 followers. Set up a queue to go overnight. N hasn't texted me in a couple days. He's probably just busy.

01/20/19 @ 3:51pm

I woke up at noon. I started a roast in the crockpot. It has three potatoes, a large white onion, a chuck roast(2.27lbs) salted and peppered, a small container of sliced mushrooms, and a beef stew seasoning packet(mixed in 3 cups of water.) I just worry the liquid from the stuff in the crockpot will make it overflow. I made coffee, put away dishes, and cleaned out my silverware drawer. I watched LTAT while I drank my coffee. Then I watched a few more YouTube videos. I've been feeling bad about how I spend my days. I know I'm doing my best but I feel so inferior to others. My bdsmlr has 336 followers after a week. I'm going to aim for 500 by the 26th. My sister pointed out there was no endgame. Which is pretty true. I honestly don't know why I'm even doing it. Updating this blog makes me feel sad.

01/19/19 @ 2:52pm

Today has been crazy so far. I was supposed to take my friend somewhere at 9am. But I overslept until 10am. I didn't go to bed until 4:30am. I had a panic attack when I realized I had overslept. My friend was mad at me and I started crying. I was still able to get her to the place before they closed. Then I went to buy groceries, which was a big deal for me. Its supposed to snow a lot tonight. I haven't done my 20/10s. I don't feel good after this morning. No spoons. I got that phone. It's new to me, but not a new phone. Still getting used to typing on it. But so far I'm loving it. Bdsmlr has 277 followers. Tonight makes a week. Texted with N last night for a long time. He's so great. Like I might be falling for him. Gotta manage my expectations as he hasn't seen me since I gained all the weight. The texting wasn't sexual last night, that was nice.

01/18/19 @ 11:40am

I woke up at 8:45ish. Might have been a bit earlier. I made coffee. No 20/10s yet. Talked to M on phone. She needs a ride to her doctor today. Also a ride to the bus station to get a ride pass thing. The doctor appointment is at 3pm. My stomach is hella upset from coffee. Started watching 'you' on Netflix. I love it.

01/17/19 @ 6:58pm

I woke up today at 8:30am. It was very very hard for me to wake up. My mom called me and I was rude to her. But I was just so so tired. No 20/10s, I had to be somewhere by 10:30am. I had to go get my test results today. No ADHD. Also, apparently I only have borderline? Weird, because bipolar has been skull fucked into my identity. Whatever though. That's fun. I'll process it later. Good thing: the iq test portion put me in the 95th percentile. In everything besides memory and processing speed. Those were average. They said this disparity could be why I felt so much frustration and the adhd symptoms felt serious. Because although I'm in the average range, this is so much lower than my typical range. I have like 250 followers on my bdsmlr. I started it the evening of the 12th. That's five days. Like average 50/day. So in a month it would be 1400. I don't know what is would do if I got bdsmlr famous. I feel stupid. I made ramen. I'm going to eat.

01/17/19 @ 12:13am

I feel very sick. My stomach is making noises. I just wish I had someone to cuddle me. I feel bad about myself. I'm stressed out.

01/16/19 @ 11:27pm

I woke up at 11:44am. Better than yesterday. I did my 20/10s -- kinda. I might have skimmed a few minutes here and there. I did my dishes, cleaned the bathroom mirror, sink, and back of toilet, finished cleaning the kitchen floor, and used drain cleaner. I texted with my friend NT, then we ended up hanging out later. Before we hung out I saw M for a bit, texted with N(different than NT). Saw NT, he gave me a couple giftcards. I brought him toilet paper and a redbull. Gave him several of my cigarettes. I try to give whatever I can but I have so little to offer. We drank some. I drank more than I probably should have. Met his friend. NT called me an SSBBW at one point. It was mean. It hurt my feelings. He tried to lie later and say he thought it meant super sexy bbw. But then I said noo that's not what it means and he corrected himself and said wait it's super size? Like obviously he knew that the whole time. But shit. It was mean hearted. I felt bad about myself. I used the $15 white castle giftcard and bought a shit ton of food. I'm pretty sure the drive thru guy was laughing at me. I chipped my nail polish after spending forever painting them. It sucks. I have such a hard time feeling okay after I see people. Tomorrow at 10:30am I find out about the psychological testing results. I joke that I'll either find out I'm adhd or that I'm just rude. But I really hope it comes back as having adhd because it would explain a lot and could be medicated. If it comes back as not having adhd, I'm going to feel bad. I feel sick from eating too much. I just feel bad right now. Why dont I ever feel good after seeing people? :/

01/16/19 @ 12:28am

bdsmlr might not be great for my mental health. I never did my 20/10s. My back hurts. I don't know about that phone yet. I had an avocado sandwich amd ramen for dinner. I went to dollar tree and got paper towels, a nail buffer, and a laser pointer. I took M to Walmart, I stayed in the car and listened to music. Went to her house and played with the laser pointer and her cats. Came home and lost time since then. A lot of it was on bdsmlr. Hence my concern about the site.

01/15/19 @ 1:22pm

I woke up at 11:54, not great but better than yesterday. I was up late talking to N, he's so cute and his kinks align perfectly with mine. I haven't done my 20/10s today. I don't have paper towels and need to get those to really clean the bathroom. I did my dishes, but doing them everyday meant I only had my French press, a couple utensils, and a coffee cup. I haven't worked on the last remaining tiles in the kitchen. But I'm not wasting a pair of gloves for one little area. I'll do it later before the bathroom. I talked to my Mom on the phone and my stepdad found a found a way to unlock a phone. My sister, A, has an m8 in great condition just on a different carrier than me. Hopefully, all good intents toward her, A, getting back to me today about the phone. Maybe I'll have a nice phone by end of day. I made coffee already. It feels wrong to drink it without doing my 20/10s. But it'll be okay. I'll just make sure I do them later. I'm going to watch GMM from yesterday and today.

01/14/19 @ 7:10pm

I woke up at 1:45pm. I did my two 20/10s. I had coffee but never watched GMM.

In my 20/10s, I did the dishes and cleaned 17 more tiles in the kitchen. That's all of them minus a row of half tiles.

It made me proud.

I talked on the phone with my mom and little sister.

I decided to call AT&T and see what I could do about getting a new phone. It wasn't great news. I don't want to get into all of it. It's long.

I drove to a phone repair place I'm going to visit tomorrow just so I knew where it was and could prepare myself for going. My anxiety really acts up in new places.

I felt bad today and thought McDonald's would help. I shouldn't be buying fast food. It was $9ish. I didn't overeat as much as I normally do. It was still a lot of food but it wasn't enough for me to feel sick.

I'm home now. Going to watch the Magicians and cuddle my dog. I still don't feel good.

I want to just take my sleep medicine and go to bed so I don't have to be awake anymore. But it's too early. I'm just going to try to wait until 9 to take it. Maybe 8:30. But it's too early right now. Especially for the time I woke up.

The bdsmlr is coming along. Over 100 followers now. Lots of messages coming in. I wish I had a better way to access the site. Or a better phone. We'll see how tomorrow goes with the cell phone repair place.