The Son You Never Had 1.22.18 . To Mi Papa, . Excitment and joy filled the room as the doctor said “it’s a boy Mr. & Mrs. Padilla . The second son born of his blood line . Labeled male, clothed in the color blue and stamped with false hopes and dreams . Pinned against the expectations of being just like his older brother Carlos but being more like his older sister Yajaira . The disappointment of seeing his youngest son play with Barbies, wearing a pink Barbie top and wearing his mother’s heels A faze that everyone thought he grow out of, but only grew more into The threats you made to throw away his Barbies and Sega if he didn’t cut his hair The beating you gave him with his own Barbie doll to prove a point The constant “ Eres Mujor o eres Hombre” you would yell . All the boxing and martial arts classes didn’t do the trick . The beating you gave when you found him with another boy didn’t beat the sissy out of him . And he tried, he tried so hard to be the man you wanted . He shaved his head, dressed the part, and walked the walk, but it wasn’t enough to hind the truth . I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the son you wished for . I’m sorry that the moment I came out was the day your fears come to life . “What are you doing!? Go back and change ,“ you said . “No! If I don’t live my life now then I’ll never get to be happy!” I yelled back as I walked out . “What are people gonna day!”, you said as your eyes filled with shame . I left to school that day not knowing if I had a home to go back to or even a father I could call papi again . But I came back worried and scared I had you watch “ A Girl Like Me”; you came into my room and said, “ Te quiero, no mas quiero que se feliz” . I’m sorry I let you down by not being the man you dreamed and hoped I would become and instead became the woman that you know today . Today I say thank you for still staying even though every day was a struggle for you. To see your son become your daughter, to fear the outside world, and not knowing if today would be the day your child is taken. Today I say, “ Yo tambien te quiero y quiero que sepas que yo soy feliz” #transchild #transgender #poetry #queer #lgbtq #translivesmatter

Before and After: 2 months & 2 days post-opt from F.F.S⛏ The swelling has gone down tremendously, but is still present in certain areas of my face. Which is normal and will go down over the next 6-9months post surgery. So I still have a long wait to go for healing. The procedures I️ had done are as follows: -Brow bone reduction -Eyebrow lift -Rhinoplasty -Chin Reduction -Trachea Shave (Adams apple reduction) -Fat graphing to cheeks, lips, under eyes and lower face * **Again this was not a cosmetic procedure, it was a gender affirming procedure, that has left me feeling more comfortable and at home in my own skin. I️ did not hate how looked or who I️ am , I️ simply wanted to just see who I️ saw beyond my reflection and to be seen as me. This surgery has given me peace and a freedom that no one who has never felt trapped can understand. I’ve always saw myself as beautiful and I️ still do. I️ just now have an outside that matches my inner soul.*** For those of you who are going through this next phase of your transition just know that it’s not easy, to take your time, to do for yourself and that it will be life change in such a beautiful way. I️ do not regret my decision, and my decision was for me and no one else. So remember to do what makes YOU happy in the end 💖#transgender #transisbeautiful #mtf #postopt #ffs #transgendersurgery #lgbtq #queer #surgery #transwoman #transliberation #transvisibility #proud

New year Who dis? 2018 🍾🥂 #newyearseve #2018 #transtakeover #transgender #transwoman #mtf #queer #lgbtq #transmodel #transisbeautiful #protecttranslives #newyear

Feeling at home in my own skin 💖 #transgender #transisbeautiful #mtf #ffs #transliberation #transvisibilityday #queer #lgbtq #bareface #nomakeup #naturalbeauty #transwoman

I️ am a princess, but I️ am a king 👑 I️ can slay my own dragons I️ can conquer my own battles I️ can build my own kingdom I️ can rule my own empire I️ can be my own savior I️ can be my own happily ever after I️ may be a Princess and pink may be my color, but in the end I’m not afraid to break a nail ✊🏾#transgender #transisbeautiful #mtf #femme #queer #lgbtq #independentwoman #independent #transwoman #ffs #transbeauty #model #la

Being Trans , Being Single and Finding my own Truth

One of the hardest things I’ve had to do has been letting go of my greatest love and facing my fear of loneliness.

Being transgender is a challenge of its own, surviving this life is a challenge of its own and simply living is a challenge of its own.

But truly for me letting go of the person I gave my heart to, the one who saw beyond the walls and saw me, was not my choice, but was what I needed. To accept their decision of ending something is never easy when both parties love each other. And though the love is there and the connection is real; when two people are not a whole and their best self, love is not enough.

Sometimes going through a journey alone is what is needed for self growth to happen and for clear realization can occur.

The fear of being alone has been the thing that has kept me from truly growing, from truly living and is what kept me in a abusive relationship. A fear that was instilled in me since a young child and only grew as I got older.

That fear is what made change who I am for a person, that made me question myself every time and change my path to please the ideas of others.

So what I’ve learned this time being single and facing my fear has been and continues to be a journey of self discovery.

Here are the things I’ve learned:

1. I am my own best friend/lover/partner/parent/sibling:

For so long I was dependent on other people to show me who I am. To dictate my life choices. That I needed certain people to make me whole. But I’m reality all I need is myself. My happiness comes from me; my own life choices, my successes, my achievements. I learned to have my own back and to be my own shoulder to cry on. I’ve become my own number 1 fan.

2. True love:

- True Love is not what fairytales are made of. True love truly comes from within and means come from a place and not a word or actions. I found how to love myself so deeply that it has given me clarity. I learned to love and accept all of my from the ugly, the bad, the worst to the greatest and beautiful parts of myself. Finding true love within myself has granted me the freedom to live authenticially and stay true to myself. It has allowed me to truly see beyond the illusion of love and see true love with another person as well.

3. Living fearless:

For so long I allowed my family, friends, society, community, books, physics, tarot cards and articles to dictate my life. From how I dress to how I act to what I do and who I date. For so long I lived in the fear of not having it all or not having it right. I always did what was “right” or what was expected of me or didn’t do things because I was less to believe I couldn’t do those things. But now I don’t care. I followed everything in the “rule book” and still came back empty handed. So now I live by my own rules and my own desires and no longer live for others but for myself.

4.Trusting in myself and having faith:

I’ve always second guessed myself on every decision. I didn’t believe in myself enough to trust my heart or my gut. Which only lead me to situations that were never good or outcomes that left things unhappy. Being alone has allowed me to listen to myself and follow my heart. Something that is still sometimes challenging but my heart has yet to fail me. And to have faith even when things are uncertain is hard but is something I practice every day.

5. Redefining my sexuality & embracing my body:

- I used to live in the binary and heteronormative life style. But with my lived experiences I’ve now allowed myself to explore my thoughts and feelings when it comes to sex and intimacy. To break away from social constructs and make my own. My body is something I’m no longer ashamed of or fear. My body is a temple filled with secrets only meant to be discovered.

The journey: 1 day post-opt Vs. 1 month and 2 weeks post opt. A life changing surgery that has granted me my freedom to finally live without transition. I now find myself in this new chapter of my life where transitioning is no longer part of my road map. I’ve completed all of my transitional needs and to be honest it’s a bit strange navigating life now that my main focus has changed. Who am outside of my transness? What do I do after my transition is over ? Where do I go now? Who am on my own? Are some of the questions I ask myself now... Every day is an opportunity for me to make my own path and my own future. Now though my transition is over I will always be a proud queer transwomen, but now my life no longer revolves around that. Which is strange. Through this journey I’ve learned the importance of loneliness. How being alone is an important part of self growth, of discovery if your truth. I’ve learned the power of true love. Which is not a word you say or express but a place you always come from. That includes self love and love for others. In this process I found my strength and resilience. How I’ve over come so many obstacles and continue to do so. I found the magik that is within me and how beautiful it is. I’ve become more open to understanding and exploring my sexuality and my sexual side. This is still an on going journey, one that I know is needed to become my ultimate true self. This my journey and hope others may find strength or hope in this during these hard times we are facing in the world. #transgender #transisbeautiful #ffs #mtf #transition #lgbtq #queer #surgery #transwoman #girlslikeus #transgirl

To My Greatest Love

Dear you,

We spoke today, and like always it was sweet, but with a hint of sadness as I knew our talk was going to be one of the million ones we’ve had before.

Today things between us became final, though they have been for a year and 3 months ago ,things were left unfinished. For me things were still murky and I needed an answer, but wanted an answer. I wasn't ready before and until today I enjoyed being in the unknown and leaving things to chance, since that allowed me to not face the truth. To be honest I was afraid to know the reality of us, to let go and be free. The reason being is because I’ve fallen for you. I fell so deep in love with you, you can say that its true love. And though I’ve always believed in true love, i didn't think it was real, until I met you.

Since the day we first met, I knew that my life would not be the same, but it wasn't until now that I realized how much it would have changed. Meeting you has been one of the greatest things to happen to me in this life time. The moments we’ve shared, the deep conversations we had, the intimate moments we’ve experienced and the tend love we’ve expressed have all been life changing.

Though our lives in our current moments have changed and our path are no longer sailing together, it does not take away the truth that lays within my heart. It hurts that our relationship is over; that the future i see with you, is one i have to let go of. It hurts to know that I am the one who is willing to make things work, because although I understand why we must be apart, because I found you; a real connection; one that everyone searches for , we have it; I could not just let you go. But that was the choice you made and one that you’ll have to live with for the rest of your life; as will I.

I know we said that we can perdic the future, but i know that my love for you is true and pure and one that will last a life time and beyond, because its one that connects with mind, body and soul. At least for me; and though I feel that you feel the same, I can't speak for you.

After todays talk, I got the answer that I needed to move forward, not that answer i wanted. I hope that we do reconnect in the future, but thats a future we both won't know. If we do find our way back to each other, I hope that its different and that it will be whatever its meant to be.

You are my first love and my great love, the one who broke through and saw the truth behind the  stone and cage.

With love, honor, respect and care I release you and myself. To find happiness, truth, wholeness and honesty within ourselves and in life. 

Today was a bitter sweet hello and goodbye. Today will be the last time we speak, for any connect between now and then will only make this harder.

Love is not complex, its people who make it complex.

Goodbye my greatest love, you’ll always be in my heart.

Love,

Johanna.

What is love ❤️

Love is kind... Love is patient... Love is selfless... Love is honest... But love is so much more than than the basic surface words can describe... Love is the connection you have with yourself, the true deepest uncensored you. Love is the trust you give to another with your heart, despite your past hurt, trauma,pain; you trust another.. Love is trusting in the unknown, the uncertainty and loving without expectations... Love is not a word, but the actions that reflects the truths within your heart... Love is owning up to your mistakes and praising the good in you... Love is not easy; it can be challenging, scary and at times it can hurt... In the end love is the divine source of life, that feeds our souls... Live, lead, and love with love..

I have questions for you...

1.who are you to notice me and think “I got a shot” Number 2. Why was I the one that you chose 3. What about me was it that lead you to prey 4. Did you you enjoy that moment we shared? 5. Did that moment bring a form of relief, of pure ecstasy ? Number 6. Did you find pleasure in taking my virtue without permission? 7. How did it feel to have my skin against yours, knowing it was without consent. 8. Do you have no moral compass? No guilt for the pain your actions have inflicted? 9. How can you live with yourself knowing how deep the scares you left on my are? Number 10. Why?

My body was touched without permission, penetrated deep into my soul. Left to decompose without remorse. To lye there and rot. The scares are too deep to conceal. My body a reflection of the hell you put me through. My soul trying to thrive in a world that barely sees hope. All a while you live life carelessly forgetting the moment you preyed on a sweet innocent soul. To corrupt the soul and bend it at your will. I hope some day you fall on your knees and start praying, because only god can forgive. I’m too young to feel this hurt and I’m done letting your inflictions have so much power.

I’m forever going to remember you but I’m no longer going to let you corrupt my soul…

My little princess 👸🏽 # happyeaster

We all died in the "Jack the Ripper" Escape room adventure 👏🏾 (at Roomescape Los Angeles)

When your Prep commercial comes out on Trans Day of Visibility 🙏🏽❤ #prep #transisbeautiful #knowyourstatus #transhealth #transdayofvisibility #protecttransyouth

In Honor of Trans Day of Visibility ✊🏾 over 11 years ago I made the first step to living my truth... Today as many of us choose to be visible as proud Trans Folk, many of our brothers and sisters and siblings still struggle to live in their truth due to violence, fear and more. But today I choose to be visible more than ever so that you know you are not alone and we are here fighting for your future as our proud trans-folk ✊🏾 #transisbeautiful #transdayofvisibility #protecttransyouth #happy

On the set of @transparentamazon for this Beauty Queen real was scene 👸🏽 Such a blasted with these amazing souls! Thank you @rainvaldez , @zackarydrucker and @rhysernst and @stevenliangfilms for this awesome opportunity 🙏🏽 #transparent #transisbeautiful #transactor

TB: EDC 2014: The days life was a blur and the future was non-existence... #youngself #transisbeautiful #raves #edc2014vegas

And their smile that was once gone has now returned 😄 #happy #transisbeautiful #trans