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holdstone 4 years
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sending worms
i was so convinced at the start of today that today was the day that i was going to start being productive again. and whilst i may have done a couple of mildly useful jobs (i now have epi-pens again, which is always useful), i still have a very long list of unstarted jobs which are becoming increasingly more important for every day that i leave them. i think the list has been around for about 5 days now.聽
i feel most guilty about procrastinating writing the letters. i鈥檝e got a friend who i am trying to keep in touch with via letter this year, because sending and receiving post is always a delightful part of the day, and i fear i鈥檝e left it rather longer than i should have before getting back to her. at least by the time it goes back, she will have a painting and a worm inside the envelope as well. i鈥檓 sending quite a lot of people left over worms. it鈥檚 quite fun. i would recommend it.聽
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holdstone 4 years
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worm curtain!!
we made a worm curtain!! a whole curtain of worms on a string except now they don鈥檛 have strings so they鈥檙e just worms and isn鈥檛 that beautiful and oh good lord our kitchen feels so gay because now we have a rainbow worm curtain.
this feels more like a public announcement but i am so happy about the worms and i want everyone to know so that we didn鈥檛 burn our fingers on hot glue all day for nothing
and also to share the joy because everyone should have a worm curtain
next stop goth worm cowboy hat
need to find myself some fancy boots
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holdstone 4 years
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maybe its okay to be happy
i remembered this blog today and every time i remember it i end up rereading through it and fucking hell. this is all a lil bit depressing, isn鈥檛 it.
but it feels important. it feels important to have a record and to remember and to know that these things have happened and now they鈥檙e over and now i鈥檓 doing okay.
so for the next time i reread this blog, hey, here鈥檚 a few things to smile about:
- you can bookbind now! and that is cool. and the notebooks you鈥檙e making are so cute, and i really hope i managed to finish the one with rain paper pages because i鈥檓 excited to see how the covers turn out
- despite 2020 being literally the shittest year imaginable, you鈥檙e actually doing okay right now. you are happy. it can happen
- you鈥檙e living in a house with your friends, which is such a huge improvement. i鈥檇 forgotten just how shitty my flatmates last year were, but goddamn the difference that not being scared to walk into the kitchen will make to your life
- you have friends who love you. and you love them back. and no matter how shitty your shitty days suck, no matter how your stupid brain manages to twist that, you are loved. and that is a good thing.
- you are making art and painting mushrooms and enjoying creating again. if this changes in the future and you end up back in a bad headspace, please remember that your art is for you. no matter what anyone else is asking for or deciding or commenting on, you are the driving force behind what you are creating. do what you think is right. their opinion does not define the quality or worthiness of what you create.聽
so hello future me. this feels like a dear august post. i hope you鈥檙e doing okay. please remember that if you need it - you can just go and ask someone for a hug.
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holdstone 4 years
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sidenote: i really wish id managed to keep up with daily blogging this year because it would have made hindsight a hell of a lot easier. maybe in the future. maybe now (who am i kidding lmao)
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holdstone 4 years
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let me scream a little bit please
there is so much i need to get done and need to get written right now but there is so much weight behind it all and its so fucking shit and i really cant be bothered. and this should have been about 3 hours work and its taken me a whole week and now im stressed about the deadline when i could have just been having a good time. drawing another monster. doing something for me. i think that might be best for me going forwards. doing things for myself. ive been trying to do that more anyway in my personal life but i think that now it might be the right time to apply it to my work as well. because the level to which i currently internalise criticism is going to fucking tear me apart one day. it鈥檚 almost done it already this term. i ahvent even finished my first year and i feel so awful about it that theres already聽 a voice whispering in my head that i should drop out. im not good enough, i dont belong there, i cant compare to the work everyone else is making. but i dont want to be put to the standards of everyone else. i dont want to have a grumpy old man breathing down my neck and asking me to define who i am. i dont fucking owe you anything, leave me alone. i dont want to told how i should be making art, or how i should have made it, or how it鈥檚 gone wrong, or why you dont like it. i am fucking sick of having my ideas quelled and quashed before they have even made it onto the table, never mind all the way to the cutting room floor. i want permission to breathe again, i want permission to create. i didn鈥檛 think i would have any words to describe any of this, but now that i do it feels disgusting, like making a plain cardboard cutout in place of a whole person. this has not been my experience, this is not how i feel, but this is what i need to do if i want to be able to cope with the outcome. and i FUCKING HATE IT. i wonder what would have happened, if i had been allowed to breathe and create and focus this semester. i wonder what the outcome would have been without the constant onslaught of negative criticism. maybe i can achieve what could have been in my own time. i need to find a way to work again. i need to find my place and be comfortable. to rebuild my confidence. i am so fucking sick of being thrown on the ground. so i guess this is a more accurate reflective commentary on my work. its certainly been much easier to write. whether it actually makes any sense or not is a different question. but if i put this down in words and feelings then i think i may well just end up crying. who knows, i might do that anyway. i dont think im getting any sleep tonight. which there was absolutely no need for me to do to myself. hello time management, it would be nice if you showed your face every once in a while to prove that im not completely useless. that would be lovely.
ive got to get back to doing my proper work now. i could make this much longer but thats not going to turn my assessment in on time.聽
the literal fucking definition of screaming into the void. fuck.
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holdstone 4 years
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excited for a friends to come and stay, worried about a friend coming to stay. worried that the friendship has changed and that neither of us knows how to cope with that but then maybe i鈥檓 wrong and it is the same and we just had one weird day and it鈥檚 all in my head.
i hope it鈥檚 all the same. i love this friend. i don鈥檛 want this to change. not the way i think it might be.
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holdstone 4 years
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so i鈥檓 going back on my promise but i think it was worth it because i鈥檝e had a productive day instead, visiting galleries around the city and spending time with friends and talking to my sister.
reminder for future me: if you know you don鈥檛 want to go out, just say no. don鈥檛 try and pretend you can cope with it please. because sometimes a movie night in watching weird gay vampire shenanigans is much better than alcohol.
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holdstone 4 years
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and so i promise that tomorrow i will sit down and i is i鈥檒l write and i will think and i will consider and i will make.
but for now i am content and i have read and i have biscuits and i have had a few hours just for me.
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holdstone 4 years
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i was trying to be nicer to my flat mates this term because i was a lil bit grumpy last term so i thought i鈥檇 make more effort.
but actually fuck them because i left this kind of bullshit in high school and i am not fucking interested in wondering when you鈥檙e talking behind my back or whether i鈥檓 the butt of the joke i didn鈥檛 hear. i am so fucking sick of that shit and i鈥檝e haven鈥檛 even been back a month.
be careful what you post online. because people can fucking see it.
(bearing that in mind it鈥檚 really only a couple of flat mates but sometimes that is enough)
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holdstone 4 years
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i am so drunk
or
hirts
i did not exp ct tonne like this
fuck
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holdstone 4 years
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looking down the barrel at three hours sleep and feeling exhausted to the point of ill later today,
i do have to wonder why i wasted 10 hours of my day today doing nothing when i could have been productive and then spent 10 hours sleeping.
sometimes i do wonder.
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holdstone 4 years
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it is so late and i should be asleep but hey i鈥檝e been struggling to sleep in and off and i鈥檓 doing okay at the moment my schedule is just fucked but i鈥檓 struggling so hard to get up on time for anything any day it rlly on the verge of becoming a problem
bc i just why would i get up when i could be in bed
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holdstone 4 years
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erin morgenstern
go an read an erin morgenstern book. now.
because i had forgotten because it has been a long time, such a long time that i have forgotten her other story, but the next one has barely begun and i can already see why i fell so hard and got so excited for this book.
i鈥檓 slipping into the world already and i鈥檓 so mad that i鈥檓 so tired i鈥檓 yawning because honestly all i want to do is curl up in that book and not come out til i鈥檝e ready every single word in it.
a starless sea and a sweet sorrow, i will return to you tomorrow.
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holdstone 4 years
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it鈥檚 so late i鈥檝e made a mistake let鈥檚 write something properly tomorrow that should go on my to do list goodnight
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holdstone 4 years
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i have identified a fear
i have identified a fear
of losing control
of everything slipping through my fingers
and falling on the floor
and sometimes that鈥檚 going to happen
and i鈥檒l just have to deal with that
but sometimes i would just like
to be able to cum
thanks
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holdstone 4 years
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i was considering
i was considering earlier a thing, that i didn鈥檛 write about at the time because i was quite sure i would remember it, but now i am quite sure i have forgotten.
i remember that it was about some strange contrast, an unusual contradiction that had slipped into some element of something, but quite what any of these somethings are has quite departed me.
and so instead i shall recommend to my dear 0 active followers that you go and watch some sandy toksvig. she鈥檚 good for the soul.
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holdstone 4 years
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remembering
i have realised that i have lost track of what i wanted. i wanted to write. i wanted to get words out and not have them mean anything profound, not have them change the world, but change me just a little bit every time.
i wanted to write just a little bit every day to do a bit of writing to improve myself, to get better and get my voice back.
instead it鈥檚 becoming just another thing that i have to push out before the end of the day, another thing to tick off the list before i can go to sleep.
but that鈥檚 not what i wanted. that鈥檚 not what this is for. so here鈥檚 to remembering why. i need to remember that i can write at any time of day. i will not necessarily have any particularly profound thoughts just because i have lived in extra few hours. in fact, that far increases the likelihood of gibberish due to over tiredness.
so i鈥檓 going to try and get it right a bit more from now. because this is for me. not forced on me.
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