If you call pedophilia a kink please unfollow me and never talk to me again

For some reason, I felt really normal yesterday. Normal as in not anorexic, I mean. I only fasted 20 hours, and I had a banana, an apple, a Samoa cookie, some chocolate milk, and a sandwich I made with a ciabatta bun, bacon, cheddar, and an egg (because I do whatever I can to model my life after Harley Quinn in Birds of Prey). I was just like, "Today I'm gonna cook and eat and live my life. Fuck it."

Then today I still felt normal. I fasted 21 hours and had a banana, yogurt with granola and berries, and chips and salsa, and then I decided to bake brownies. I decided to BAKE. BROWNIES. Dude. So I was feeling way too full and baking brownies and starting to get that creeping sense of guilt and dread and self-loathing, but I just tried to shake it off.

Thennnnn my dad went and got everyone Chick-fil-A (because if my dad even knows they're homophobic, he most certainly does not give a shit, given that he's extraordinarily queerphobic himself). So I had Chick-fil-A. And a few brownies--tiny ones, but still. And my stomach hurt so bad I had to go take a nap and a warm bath to try and feel better. And now I feel really shitty, and I'm so certain I've gained weight since Monday, and I regret all my decisions. Good shit 👉😎👉

Anyway. Yesterday I finished Rant, and, uh...what the fuck? For once I’m on desktop instead of mobile, so I’ll put my thoughts below a “Keep reading.”

The book was very odd in that the middle was enticing and the beginning and end were terrible. I'd've probably quit about a fifth of the way through if I weren't determined to be a Palahniuk completionist, because the writing style was so choppy and disjointed and impossible to become truly immersed in. Also, there were just so. Many. Names. I couldn't keep track of any of these people (and even by the end, I only remembered who maybe half a dozen of them were, and then, only vaguely).

But when the transcripts and ports were introduced, I was intrigued, though I don't know why they had to come in a third of the way through--I didn't really see the point in misleading the reader about the setting of the book for so long (unless, I suppose, it was just to make things twistier). I've actually thought about writing something involving somewhat similar technology for years, but Palahniuk thought the tech through so well, I'm second-guessing my own ideas. Anyway, I also really enjoyed the Party Crashing, and I thought the Nighttimer/Daytimer world-building was well-done. But then I hit the classic Palahniuk Twist™. Geez. Thanks to the world-building elements I mentioned, I was actually getting into the story, and even the writing style was working fine. Not great, but good enough. I was loving all the Party Crashing stuff; the themed nights and all, it was so creative. And then there came Rant's death: the premise of the entire book. But lo and behold, there was still a lot of book left.

  The longer it went on, the more ol' Chuck lost me. And then there was the scene with thirteen-year-old Irene, which was so disgusting and graphic and unnecessary. By then I was dying for the book to end, but all the convoluted explanation and philosophizing kept building up. I mean, talk about overwriting your ending--you really lose all punch to your biazarro twist when you do that. I didn't come into this book expecting to be talked at for so many chapters. And really, it all felt so disconnected from the rest of the book. You've heard of the three-act structure, right? This felt not so much like three different acts as three different books altogether. Presumably it's all deeply interwoven, as there apparently exist complex fan theories, but I seriously do not care enough to look. Although I understood the basics of the Twist™, I know I missed a lot of stuff that I could've gotten if I'd read more carefully, but I was so unenthused, I just wanted to plow through and git 'er done.

Final verdict: #9, below Diary but above Doomed.

As for tonight, tonight I read Choke for what I think was the third or fourth time. It was just as good as I remember. Survivor was great, but you know what, Choke is just better. It flows well and all the elements work together; you don't get the sense of too many moving parts, and it's pleasantly implausible but not too outlandish. It's vivid: often gross, occasionally beautiful. Victor is troubled and flawed and misogynistic, but bearable. You can really feel his desperate, delusional obsession when he begins to fall apart. You can feel his complicated feelings toward his mother, see the darkness of his childhood. Oh, and I love poor ol' loser Denny. Choke is interesting and well-structured, with a surprisingly emotional undercurrent. And the twist actually got me the first time I read it. It remains #2 on my list, above Survivor and second only to Fight Club.

My fast ended up being 50 hours. I heavily considered not eating today and vying for 72 hours, but I didn't really feel like it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I ate a whole lot when I broke my fast, and afterward my heart was beating really fast for quite a while. Which, y'know, is heavily concerning, but you also have to wonder if that's hypermetabolism burning off a few of the extra calories. One can only hope? Anyway, I did the planking routine three times and the ab routine once tonight. I should reeeeaaally get back into running, but I just don't like running🤘😔 And cardio scares me more and more as my chest pain and heart stuff get worse and worse. Ugh, my sleep has been so fucked for the past couple days. I didn't sleep on Saturday night, I just pulled an all-nighter and then slept for five hours after church ended at 11 AM. I slept another couple hours after my writing group that evening, but that's all. Then I slept an hour right before my noon class today, after which I slept like four hours, and I slept for an hour and a half like eight hours ago (it's 5 AM now). My sleep app doesn't even have any data for the past two nights because I don't start it when I nap, only when I actually Go To Bed. Also, I haven't taken any vitamins since 2/13. Also also, for some reason my period often starts right after I break a longer fast, so it just started. Also also also, I haven't had the energy to shower since Sunday morning. All in all, I am suffering. But hey, at least being underweight solves allllll my problems. Right? 🤡🤡🤡 I started reading Rant tonight and got 35.4% of the way through. I don't really like the way it's written. However, when I started reading it I totally hated it and was retaining nothing because the writing style was so detached and staccato and disjointed, but I'm starting to get ever-so-slightly more into it now, so hopefully it ends up being decent.

Okay, I am SO excited right now. I just measured the smallest part of my waist and the widest part of my thigh and they were 24″ (61 cm) and 19″ (48 cm) respectively. At my lowest weight (91.4 lb/41.4 kg), those measurements were 22.75″ (57.8 cm) and 17.75″ (45 cm).

So my measurements are just 1.25″ (3.2 cm) larger than they were at BMI 15.9. Also, I’ve been very very dehydrated for the past couple days, so for all I know, I could be retaining enough water to skew my measurements slightly larger???

I Googled how many pounds it takes to lose 1″ (2.5 cm) off your waist, and most pages were saying 8 lb (3.6 kg). But this one says it takes more like 6 lb (2.7 kg) if you're thinner--though they used a small sample size--and someone in the comments agreed with that figure, based on this peer-reviewed study and apparently some other papers they saw. I guess that makes sense because the lighter you are, the higher %age of your body weight a pound is.

So, assuming it would take me approx. -6 lb to lose an inch, and assuming it would thus take me approx. +6 lb to gain an inch:

(6 * 1.25) + 91.4 = 98.9

So I could be like 98.9 lb (44.9 kg), BMI 17.2, right now. Even using an estimate of +10 lb to gain an inch, I'd be like BMI 18.1, which is still underweight. And if there’s less pounds per inch the thinner you are, and I’m underweight, what if it takes a difference of even less than 6 lb for me to gain or lose an inch? What if it takes like 5 lb (2.3 kg), and I’m only BMI 17.0 right now?

For sure I could believe I’ve lost 12-18 lb (5.4-8.2 kg) from my highest weight (116 lb/52.6 kg) over the course of quarantine. For sure I look that much thinner.

I’m so excited that I’m shaking and my head is buzzing right now, but that could also be because I haven’t eaten in two days lmaooo

Okay, okay, okay, let's just guess I weigh 101.5 lb (46 kg) right now. That's BMI 17.7. That's not too horribly shabby. Fuck, I wish I could just weigh myself, but the bathroom scale is in my parents’ bathroom, and they’re always home because of the pandemic, so I really can’t sneak a proper naked weigh-in. It’s a shitty old mechanical scale anyway.

It doesn’t matter, though. I’m certain I’m underweight. I know I am.

I didn't eat today, so I'm 34 hours into a fast right now and it sucks, and I'm miserable, and anorexia is such a shit-ass disorder. Didn't exercise 'cause fuck it idc. Might be able to complete a full 48-hour fast because my mom is sick and we're not going to lunch tomorrow, but it depends on the dinner situation tomorrow night. I read Survivor today and it was so damn good. I thought Tender's character was interesting because he was deeply fucked-up, but it wasn't always overt. The things he'd think were truly heinous sometimes, but there was also a pattern to his thoughts--the Bible verses, all the references to Christianity, his hang-up about sex--that made it clear the cult's teachings never really left him: a kind of lingering religious anxiety, a seductive preoccupation with suicide. When he got that threatening phone call early in the book, his fear was so palpable, and that's when I realized that despite being undeniably despicable, Tender is also, well, tender. Vulnerable. Lost. Afraid. When the fish died and he broke down crying--that was so real (especially given the...circumstances at the time), and it hit hard. I'm not saying Tender is this awesome likable guy, because he's not, and I don't mind that. But it was fascinating being in his head. I wasn't expecting the book to delve so heavily into the world of fame, but it was an interesting critique. I liked how Tender's extremities kept getting more and more numb from all the substances he was taking--a metaphor for him becoming less and less grounded. Everything in his life was a carefully orchestrated façade, just like the fake flowers. The book I'm writing has very similar themes, so that aspect was fun for me. I do a little wish, however, that we'd gotten a bit deeper into the cult and Tender's own personal past and traumas. This book didn't have a big twist, and while that was disappointing in that I've sort of come to expect twists from Palahniuk, I didn't actually mind it because it was a solid ending and much preferable to a forced or anticlimactic twist. But, to mention the cult again, there was a small reveal near the end about a certain traumatic practice they had which explains some of Tender's shit; it just wasn't shocking in comparison to how much it was built up, and to how dark the book was as a whole. The ending very much reminded me of Fight Club. I didn't mind that. I liked Fertility a lot because she reminded me of Marla Singer, but there were a couple parts where I thought, "Hey, who do you think you are, Marla or something?!" Marla Singer trumps Fertility Hollis by far, of course. Marla is my wife. Anyway, this was the first Palahniuk book I've read in a while that comes remotely close to how much I love Fight Club. I think I'd still have to rank it below Choke, but Survivor is my #3, above Lullaby. Next I might re-read Choke.

Okay, so I fasted 28 hours and did that planking routine three times in a row. I did not run because it's hella cold in the garage where the elliptical is, and because, well, I'll just come right out and say it: I FUCKING HATE RUNNING!!! I'm incredibly lazy and I hate exercise in general, but WOW, I seriously hate running!! I hate it here!!!! Having an eating disorder is the stupidest thing I can think of. I hate my dumb bitch-ass brain. But anyway, I did eat my "YOU'RE THE BEST" chocolate tonight, and it was delicious and made me happy :) Although I also took a 2.5-hour test tonight, ugh. Also? I finished reading Doomed. It wasn't too bad, actually. I liked it much better than Damned. Damned was this outlandish story with a goofy hellscape and bizarre demons and a 13-year-old girl battling her way through hell. In a lot of ways it felt like it was trying too hard to be funny or clever. Doomed, in focusing more on the living world and Maddy's prematurely truncated life--as well as sidelining most of the characters from Damned--was a tighter, slightly more grounded story, and it felt less silly. I didn't miss the previous cast of characters, as I wasn't attached to any of them and the whole Breakfast Club thing felt forced to begin with. I was a little annoyed with where Babette's character veered off to, but let's be real, characters, their development, and their consistency aren't the strongest point of this duology. What is? Well, sheer batshit craziness, of course. Reading any given Palahniuk novel is an exercise in saying, "Holy shit, can he really write that?", and that's half the fun. Sometimes the bat guano works, sometimes it doesn't--and, wow, to take this back to Doomed, what happened with Maddy and the glory hole in the public bathroom was just. Wow. Fucking horrendous, borderline unreadable, and, in a word: WTF. The debacle involving a decomposing kitten corpse? Also incredibly awful. But the floating white island of plastic was genuinely cool, and the whole astral projection and possession thing was a good concept. I thought young Maddy pretending to date Jesus Christ was hilarious. I loved the recurring descriptions that went like, "the blue that my ____ sees when I ____." The plot wasn't super strong--there was a lot of Maddy just deciding to launch into extremely detailed stories, and the ending/reveal was anticlimactic--but you know what? It was enjoyable, it was readable enough. I read 90% of it in two sittings. It was weird and very much fucked-up, but I liked it. Diary was so slow and anticlimactic for me that I'm actually having a hard time deciding whether I should rank it above or below Doomed, but I think I'll keep it at #7. Doomed goes below Diary and above Damned. Next I will probably either read Survivor or Rant. And by the way, I've read 8 books in 17 days! I'm proud of myself!

I fasted like 17.5 hours today and then went to Garbanzo's with my mom and a lady from church and her daughter. I did that one little planking routine once this morning and twice in a row tonight. And I'm so tired!! I'm so tired!!! I'm not invested enough in this relapse to actually lose a ton of weight and feel good about myself, but I'm just invested enough to do things that make me feel like shit all the time. I'm going crazy but I don't want to stop and it sucks so bad 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 Brighter note: I got my prize from the library reading program today. It was a set of reusable utensils and a little chocolate bar from Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory that says "YOU'RE THE BEST." I didn't eat the chocolate yet because my mom and I went to See's after lunch, but I'll eat it tomorrow. I don't give a fuck how many calories it has. I'm the best, after all :) Oh yeah, and today I got halfway through Doomed, and all I have to say is...what the hell is going on?????? I--

Today I fasted for 24 hours, did the ab routine and this small planking routine, and ran for 10 minutes on the elliptical. And bro, I am REALLY SICK of running and of not eating all day. I'm really going crazy, dude. All I do is stay up late and sleep all day so I can fast longer. It's bullshit. :/ Had one of my writing groups this morning. Afterward I finished re-reading Snuff, and don't ask me why, but I still really like it (and I'm ace-spec, so books entirely about sex are usually the opposite of appealing to me). It's filthy, sometimes outrageous, and skin-crawlingly, nauseatingly vivid in its imagery. It's a super quick read. Not very deep, but sprinkled with a light dose of intrigue. It's fun reading all the many, many euphemisms for "masturbator," and even more fun reading the punny porn titles and their ridiculous plots. There are also a few scenes that, unfortunately, live in my head rent-free (primarily the nipple-shaving incident and the Brenda incident). In short, it's gross and obscene, it's weird, it's wholly unsexy, and it's unapologetic. And that's what makes it fun. Nothing ground-breaking, no exceptional characters or masterful plot points or radical commentary, but for whatever reason, I really njoy it. I rank it #4, under Lullaby and above Invisible Monsters. Oh yeah, and I finished the first level of the library reading program! I get chocolate from the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory as part of my prize, and fuck it, I'm gonna enjoy every last bit. I've dreamt of that chocolate for so long. Next up, I'm gonna read Doomed, which I just barely started and am not super excited for because I didn't love Damned. If it's bad I'll re-read Choke afterward to cleanse my palate.

Today I fasted 28 hours and did the thirty-minute hill program on the elliptical. Should've done something for my abs, but couldn't be bothered. Whatever. Fuck, I'm already starting to get hungry--it's only been just seven hours since I ate. It felt kind of good to do a >24-hour fast again, but I was genuinely dizzy before I had dinner tonight, and I dunno, dude, I'm getting real sick and tired of fasting.

I want to lose weight, of course I do, but could I live with maintaining this weight? Maybe????? The problem is, I have no idea how to maintain without constantly weighing myself and counting calories, and fuck that, I'm not ready to be back there yet. For the record, I had too many "bad days" of eating, and now my body dysmorphia is off the charts. I have no idea what I look like, because I can't really have gained tons and tons, right? But that's how I feel. You can't just eyeball maintenance when your body image is this capricious. Anyway, I got a little over a third of the way through re-reading Snuff tonight. Just one more day of reading and I'm done with the first level of the library reading program (I'll keep going, though). Hell yeah ✌️

It's been a hot minute since I've posted 'cause I've been super lazy, so here's a recap of the past few days:

Sunday ✂️ Fasted 15 hours :)) ✂️ Ate twice, and way too fucking much, but w/e :)))) ✂️ Ran for ten minutes on the elliptical ✂️ Ab routine ✂️ Read more of Lullaby during church lol Monday 💀 Fasted 14-15 hours :))) 💀 Steak and Shake with my family 💀 No exercise because sleeby 💀 Finished Lullaby Tuesday 🥀 Fasted 22-23 hours 🥀 Sushi with my mom 🥀 Doubled up on the ab routine 🥀 Read Tell-All 🥀 I'm so hungry right now :/ Lullaby was really good. It was weird, it was dark, it posed questions about the nature of humanity, the plot moved quickly, the characters were memorable, there was a great twist/final puzzle piece moment, it had some strong imagery (pulling the model house bits out of the MC's foot???), there were moments of genuine suspense, and Helen was a total icon. And I'm ace-spec, but that sex scene in the chandelier was so damn cool and made me jealous. I will admit, though, the penultimate chapter is probably tied with Ellis's American Psycho for most viscerally disturbing published writing I've ever read. I honestly wasn't sure I could get through it. I kept looking up from the book and staring at the wall while muttering "Fuck" and "Holy shit" under my breath. I thought I might tear up, it was so fucked.

Tell-All was better than I expected, which is why I read it in one sitting. It was pretty light, kind of campy, lots of fun. Easy read. I probably would've gotten really annoyed with all the constant references I didn't understand, but I read it on Overdrive and thus could quickly search the names on Wikipedia, which was fun because I do have an affinity for silver screen actresses. I genuinely wasn't expecting the twist at the end, though maybe I should have. It wasn't mind-blowing, but it was fun and silly and I enjoyed it. I've ranked Snuff #3 in my list of Palahniuk novels for a while, but I thiiiink Lullaby is gonna knock it down to #4. Tell-All gets #6, below Invisible Monsters but above Diary. Next I'm either going to read Doomed or re-read Snuff, but it'll probably be Snuff.

Rare footage of me after someone calls me "too thin," microseconds before I intentionally twist their well-meaning concern into a compliment to fuel my raging eating disorder:

I fasted 25 hours today. Parents-wise, I for sure could have gotten away with not eating anything, but I was feeling kinda shaky because I'd run and only had like <800 calories in the past 48.5 hours. Did I actually need to eat tonight? Have I literally gone 121 hours without eating before? No and yes, but fuck it, I felt like eating. Deffo regretted it because I ate WAY too fucking much and wanted to uhhhhhh kms. Also, my family's having a little Valentine's Day party tomorrow, so for sure I'm gonna binge tomorrow night, but whatever ✌️

I did the ab routine tonight, then took a couple puffs on my inhaler and did the thirty-minute hill program on the elliptical. It's like -9°F with a windchill of -25°F and it's supposed to snow, and our elliptical is out in the lower garage, so it was suuuuper cold while I was running. Afterward, my arms were all red with cold and my fingertips purpley.

Anyway, it's 5 AM and I have to leave for church at 8 AM tomorrow and I'd absolutely rather die. I don't much like church even on a full night's sleep. But on a brighter note, I'm getting my face masks from Amazon tomorrow! (Btw, fuck Jeff Bezos and I genuinely apologize for supporting his company. I haven't found a good ethical alternative to Amazon yet :/) I also got my monthly BoxyCharm box today, and it had a super cute glittery pink pouch full of pink makeup brushes with heart confetti floating in the handles. So adorable. I can't wait to do my makeup for my (other) writing group tomorrow night.

Oh! I did the stupid mental status exam with my therapeutic partner today, and when we got to the physical build question, she looked at me and said, "Too thin." All I've ever wanted :')) I also ended up explaining anorexia to her at one point (she kind of knew what it was but not really) and she wanted to know if there's a pill you can take to cure it. Baby, I wish :( For some fucking reason I also mentioned my depression, PTSD from sexual assault, probable undiagnosed ADHD, and self-harm, and she was like, "Wow, you're going through a lot" 😭😭😭

As for my reading, I got just over a quarter of the way through Lullaby today. It hasn't quite picked up yet, but I'm rather excited for the rest of it.

‘Kay-o, so today I fasted 23.5 hours. I didn’t eat a whole ton, just some grapes, three Girl Scout cookies (lol), a Vitaminwater Zero, and some of this squash/sausage thing my mom made, but only a tiny bit because I didn’t like it. I’m not counting calories right now ‘cause fuck that, but I know for a fact the Girl Scout cookies were under 300cal, so I'm thinking I couldn’t have had much more than 800 in total. Maybe even like...600? Additionally, I did the ab routine and ran for ten minutes on the elliptical.

So it was an okay day, but my skin is so shit right now that I feel shitty too. I’ve only got a couple pimples; it’s just hyperpigmentation, probably in large part because I dried out my skin with tea tree oil and, well, manual exfoliation is basically a BFRB for me (I have dermatillomania, so I know that I Am Not Immune To BFRBs). Impulsively ordered $23 worth of skincare on Amazon, but whatever. I seriously don’t spend money on anything but skin products anymore 🤷‍♀️

Finished Damned today. It was, uh, pretty odd. Slow; goofy; sometimes amusing. There wasn’t a strong plot and what plot there was wasn’t especially well-structured, nor were the characters especially well-crafted. Fine, but deffo not my favorite. I’d rank it above Beautiful You but below Diary (not that that means anything to anyone because no one knows my ranking system. Suffice it to say I’ve read seven Palahniuk books and Fight Club is by far my #1 favorite, Choke is a solid #2, and Beautiful You is by far #7).

Annnnd because I am 100000% sure I have undiagnosed ADHD and am currently hyperfixated on Chuck Palahniuk novels, I’ve checked out Tell-All, Lullaby, and Doomed on Overdrive. As well as Snuff and Choke to re-read. Folks, the last seven books I read were all Palahniuk’s and two of them were re-reads. One word: hyperfixation.

Alrighty, lads, I ate with my mom this morning, so I unfortunately ate twice today and broke my fast at just 16 hours 🙃 Whatever. I did the YouTube ab routine twice and also did the thirty-minute hill program on the elliptical and beat my record distance. I took a puff on my inhaler before I ran because why not, and I felt pretty good after running, but my limbs stayed very cold and numb for a while afterward, so I guess my circulatory system didn't do its best work. Didn't take my vitamins 'cause I couldn't be bothered. I've only been working out for like two weeks, but I feel like I'm getting kinda hot?? My stomach and legs are lowkey getting toned and I can actually feel muscle in my thighs. My legs and waist are getting tiny! I'm so excited. If only I wasn't living with my extremely conservative parents and there wasn't a pandemic and I could go out in amazing little revealing outfits whenever I wanted :((((( I have to settle for just taking a bunch of mirror selfies in my underwear 🥲 On a LESS exciting note, I found out today that for one of my social work classes, I have to do an assignment where I video chat my therapeutic partner and we take a fucking mental status exam of each other?? I looked at this damn thing and apparently I have to be judged on such things as how well-groomed I am, whether I'm depressed, whether I'm THIN, whether I'm intelligent, WHETHER I SELF-HARM, et cetera. Now, I'm already consumed on a fairly regular basis by the terror of how others perceive me, so needless to say, I fucking cried and considered dropping the class. Which I can't do because it's required for my minor :-)) I mean, holy hell, how is it appropriate to force your students to interrogate each other about potential suicidal ideation or delusions or hallucinations or depression or autism (yes, we have to decide whether our partners have "autistic thought content," whatever that means)? HOW IS IT APPROPRIATE TO MAKE YOUR STUDENTS TURN IN AN ASSIGNMENT FOR WHICH THEY MUST LABEL EACH OTHER "AVERAGE," "THIN," OR "OVERWEIGHT"?? Naturally, I am now obessing over what I need to wear for this video chat in order to ensure I am labelled "thin." I fucking hate this fucking assignment. It's not like we've signed any damn confidentiality agreements, yet we're supposed to essentially do an intake assessment with a randomly assigned peer? I have to talk about my suicidal ideation and self-harm and depression and anorexic obsessions with a random sophomore from Arizona, or else I lose 30 points? So fucking ludicrous. Anyway. Gah. I was super exhausted and slept most of the day today, which sucks because I should AT LEAST GET ENERGY FROM EATING MORE, but I got my reading in. I'm halfway through Damned now. It's hella weird but kinda cute.

So I fasted almost 24 hours today. I did that little YouTube ab workout, then did the thirty-minute hill program on the elliptical and beat my record distance. My blood pressure and heart and breathing (I have asthma) felt good after I ran, too! Didn't have class or homework today, took my vitamins tonight, and took a bubble bath while doing a face mask after my shower. I put on lotion and everything after my bath, and now I'm in bed and running my diffuser with lavender oil. I have one of my writing groups in six hours, so I need to get to sleep, but I feel pretty okay.

Last night (by which I mean this morning), I went to bed at 11 AM for no actual reason, so I literally woke up right before dinner, which was nice because waiting all day to eat is intolerable. I mean it--doing OMAD at night really fucks with my head. It makes my life so miserable, so unbearable. Does anyone else feel that way? Last school year, before I entered recovery, I was doing like 20+ hours of intermittent fasting a day and just eating before each block of class in the mornings, and that was INMENSELY more tolerable. The anticipation of food makes my food obsession skyrocket. Kills me. That's why, according to my sleep app, I go to bed at 4-6 AM on average: so I can sleep through most of my fasting hours. Anyway, I finished reading Invisible Monsters. I know it was published back in 1999, but there were a few relatively questionable parts on the topic of trans people, mostly toward the end (I don't care how Palahniuk writes about gay people, though, because he's gay himself). I won't give spoilers, but if you've read it: the thing with Brandy didn't bother me because how you present doesn't define your gender, and Palahniuk clarified that gender-affirming surgery isn't mutilation for trans people, but I didn't like the thing with Evie. Not because of the MC's reaction (she's not a very likable protagonist and I'm down with that), but because of the way it was tied into the book's theme of real vs. fake. Evie was super fake for plenty of other reasons. Otherwise, I really liked the book. I'm surprised the publisher rejected it as Palahniuk's debut novel for being too disturbing, because in my eyes, Fight Club is much more disturbing. I couldn't decide whether I'd rank Invisible Monsters before or after Snuff, but I thiiiink I'd have to put Snuff after Choke and before Invisible Monsters. Very close call, though, because there were a couple parts of Invisible Monsters that shocked me and gave me chills, and I almost teared up when I read the final page, and I love Brandy Alexander SO MUCH! I'll read Damned next.

Yesterday I broke my fast at about 40 hours and then got Qdoba with my mom. I did the thirty-minute hill program on the elliptical and broke my record distance, but for a brief period afterward, I felt sick enough to throw up or pass out or piss myself or something. I mean, I really felt the way you do when you're feverish and ill, and I sort of thought--what with my heart condition and all--maybe I'm orchestrating my own death with this cardio shit.

Also? I finished my period, but I've been spotting every day, which doesn't really happen to me. I haven't the faintest. I thought anorexia was supposed to make me bleed less, not more. Also again? I think I literally just figured out why the euphemism is "Aunt Flo." Aunt Flow. Geez.

Today I fasted 24-25 hours. I can tell I definitely didn't eat enough because I already feel sick with hunger and it's only been twelve hours since I ate, so that's cool or whatever. As like five points extra credit for one of my classes, I had to watch The Hunting Ground and then take a quiz that was ten short-answer questions ("short" answer, but joke's on the prof, I'm loquacious). The documentary plus the quiz took me over three hours, and now it's 6:30 AM and I just want to go to bed. I'm way too tired to bother exercising, so I'm pissed. At least now I don't have any homework to do until Saturday. And I remembered my multivitamin and calcium for the first time in like three days.

Oh, another thing! I had to do two presentations in a row!!! 🙄 Yesterday I had to do part of a slideshow for a group project and record myself presenting it, and guess which section I had to do? The one about anti-LGBTQ+ hate crimes. And since I go to an LDS school and a lot of people are queerphobic, obviously I wanted to make my section hit 'em hard, so I worked really hard on it and I had lots of statistics from the FBI and a screenshot of some Pridefall bullshit and a picture of police brutality at Stonewall and a picture of two boyfriends who were hospitalized after getting beaten for holding hands and a picture of Matthew Shepard and that quote from the cop who found Matthew about how his entire face was caked with blood except where his tears had rinsed it off. I even mentioned that I'm bi and included some of my own stuff about other Mormons calling me a devil worshipper and saying I'm evil and going to hell for being gay and that I have no faith and don't belong in the Church. And I think I did a good job, but I was drained and on the verge of tears by the end. This shit is so fucking sad, I can't stand it.

Anyway, I also had to do a presentation in my Zoom class tonight about how Amazon has monopolized the publishing industry. That one was fun because I got to bash Jeff Bezos. The word "guillotine" was involved. And my prof loved it and said I did an excellent job! The validation :')

Okay, this is suuuuuuper long, but I've been logging my reading, so I just want to say that I read half of Invisible Monsters yesterday and a little more today and I like it a lot. There have been a couple twists I did NOT expect.

Alright, I'm done now. I promise.

saw that you read Diary, have you read Invisible Monsters?? (huge palahniuk fan lol)

Yessss, another Palahniuk fan!! I'm working my way through all his books. I was gonna do Damned next, but I saw this ask yesterday and I hadn't read Invisible Monsters yet, so I checked it out on Overdrive and now I'm two thirds through it! I'm really liking it! Thanks for the recommendation, Anon 💝