hellbrainspeaks
Hellbrain Speaks
DBT, journaling, ranting, getting by
800 posts
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"this too shall pass" well can it fucking get on with it
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i need to be kissed. pin me against a wall and kiss me like i’m the love of your goddamn life and you didn’t think you’d ever find me
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It’s just maddening when that specifically is the kind of love that’s missing in my life. it’s something I yearn for so much but people keep telling me to stop caring so much about it. I do have people I love and that love me but I’ve never been on a date. I’ve never had a partner, but I want someone to share my life with in that way and always have since I was little. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong
Dont be fooled by scarcity on the dating scene . Or friend scene.. lots of people out there who will love u and make your life lovelier… so many people… just be yourself, you’ll find them..!
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I am so sorry you suffered such medical abuse. It’s absolutely disgusting what neurotypical doctors will do to some patients out of their superiority complex. How some of them see the people they’re supposed to care about as subhuman. Unfortunately I think this is a shared experience across any diagnosis that isn’t depression or anxiety. But the cluster B personality disorders especially face some of the worst stigma. I’m happy you’ve gotten the treatment you needed
Thank you for caring about us. Not many do. For so many of us support only comes in the form of other Borderlines. I’m grateful that you walked away from your misdiagnosis with empathy for us, because not everyone does. None of these symptoms are your fault, or ours. We’re doing our best in a system that fundamentally hates us—Borderlines and autists alike, I’d say.
I wish you nothing but the best of health, my friend.
As a late diagnosed autist I will say one of the most damaging but transformative experiences I've ever had was being misdiagnosed with BPD.
Everyday my heart goes out to people with BPD.
The amount of stigma and silencing they face is astonishing and sickening.
I took DBT for years. Therapists use to turn me away because of my diagnosis.
I would be having full blown autistic meltdowns, crying for help literally - but because I was labeled as BPD ANY time I cried I was treated as manipulative and unstable.
As if the only reason I could be crying was if I was out to trick someone.
95% of the books out there with Borderline in the title are named shit like 'How to get away from a person with Borderline', 'How to stop walking on eggshells (with a person who has BPD)'
I was never allowed to feel true pain or panic or need.
That was 'attention seeking behavior', not me asking for help when a disability was literally inhibiting my ability to process emotions.
There were dozens of times where I had a full meltdown and was either threatened with institutionalization or told I was doing it for attention.
My failing relationships weren't due to a communication issue, or the inability to read social cues. No, because I was labeled borderline, my unstable relationships were my fault. Me beggong nuerotypicals to just be honest and blunt with what they meant was me pestering them for validation.
Borderline patients can't win.
And the funny thing is - I asked my therapist about autism. I told her I thought I was on the spectrum.
BPD is WILDLY misdiagnosed with those with autism and I had many clear signs.
Instead - she told me 'If you were autistic we wouldn't be able to have this conversation'. She made me go through a list of autistic traits made clearly for children, citing how I didn't fit each one.
And then she told me that me identifying with the autism community was the BPD making me search for identity to be accepted - and that I wasn't autistic, just desperate to fit in somewhere.
I didn't get diagnosed for another ten years. For ten years I avoided the autism community - feeling as if I were just a broken person who wanted to steal from people who 'really needed it'.
Because of my providers - I began to doubt my identity MORE, not less.
Ten years of thinking I was borderline and being emotionally neglected and demonized by a system meant to help me.
To this day, I still don't trust neurotypicals. Not fully.
I know I'm not borderline now - but my heart aches for them. Not for the usual stuff. But for the stigma. And the asshole doctors. And the dismissiveness and threatening and the idea of institutionalization hanging over their head.
I love Borderline people. I always will. I'm not Borderline but if you are I love you and I'm sorry.
You're not a bad person. You're not a therapists worst nightmare, you are a human with valid feelings and fears.
Borderline people I'm sorry.
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i know we’re both just messing around pretending to be whole but look at me. if the train was coming would you move. if the ground was falling from under your feet would you even notice or would it just be another tuesday for you. if somebody stabbed you could it hurt worse than you already do. what i’m saying is that i love you but i think we both drive over the speed limit when it’s raining. what i’m saying is that i want to hold your hand and i understand about how you sometimes have to sit down in the shower. what i’m saying is that i’m here for you and if the train comes please move.
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If you’ve survived your suicidal thoughts/suicide attempts, I am proud of you. If you’ve made a milestone in being clean, I am proud you. If you’ve relapsed, I’m still proud of you. If you’re still struggling this very moment with your mental health, I am still so proud of you.
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i love you. you made a mistake? i dont care i love you. you made a wrong choice? love you. you don’t think you’re good for anything? guess what you’re good for loving i love you
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psychosis isn’t evil. psychosis isn’t bad. psychosis or ‘psychotic’ should not be insults. because they are not bad. people with psychosis are not evil.
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I love you people who show kindness because "it's what you're supposed to do". I love you people who show kindess because they like being thanked. I love you people who show kindness because it makes them feel good. I love you people who show kindness because they were shown kindness first. I love you people who show kindness for "selfish" reasons. I love you people who show kindness for the "wrong" reasons. I love you people who show kindness in a body that rejects the very notion. Your kindness is not any lesser because of its motivations. The good you added to the world is just as valuable as someone doing it for the "right" reasons. Your effort is seen. Your effort is valued.
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tbh i don't think i'm a particularly "bad" or even "unlikable" person but i do think i'm a hollow person. there's an emptiness in me, an absence that some people can sense even if they don't know exactly what it is they're looking at, and that makes them wary of or even repulsed by me.
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"stop gaslighting me" said about being lied to, "youre traumaduping on me" said about having a conversation with a friend about how theyre really doing, "i have so many intrusive thoughts" said about wanting to dye your hair, "im so delusional" said about having a crush on a guy and pretending he likes you, WHAT IF I KILLED YOU
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I think we should have a turn of phrase for "I'm not in the right, but I AM annoyed with this situation, so I just need to go bitch to a friend about this before I suck it up and go do the right thing" because more and more I'm finding this is a critical element of functional adulthood.
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I really hate that I have to refer to my sleep cycle as a disorder. If I can sleep with no other difficulties besides when my natural circadian rhythm decides it’s time to wake up and fall asleep, why am I considered the problem. Humans socially engineered the 9-5 schedule, that’s an artificial barrier we constructed for ourselves, and is a very recent development in history. Why is that the norm and me the problem. Evolution didn’t design us with jobs and schedules and money in mind
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As an adult still living with their abusive parent, I often find that affirmations meant to empower me are unhelpful at best. They often feel like they're overstating the amount of agency I have as an adult; I've spent my entire life being abused. It's all I know and I have a lifetime of conditioning and nervous system damage to show for it.
All that doesn't just go away now that I'm older than 18, and neither do the material circumstances that keep me here. Even though I have more legal rights and have grown since I was younger, I am still not in control by the very nature of being the victim in an abusive relationship. So, for those who relate, here are some affirmations that might hit different:
My abuser does not have my best interests in mind, even if they think they do.
I am my own person; my mind and body belong to me.
My feelings are justified, and I deserve to feel and express them.
I am doing what I need to survive, and that is all I need to do.
I am doing my best given the knowledge, resources, and support I have.
I am the only person who can decide what is best for me.
My situation is unfair and wrong. I deserve to be happy and safe.
I do not have to engage in toxic positivity; that will only hurt me.
As long as I am alive, there is something good in this life for me - no matter how small.
I have inherent rights just because I exist.
I shouldn't have to deal with this on my own; I deserve support and protection.
Everything I need is something I deserve. Everything I deserve is something I need.
If any of these don't resonate, feel free to discard them. Everyone finds comfort and empowerment differently.
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✨️ feeling your feelings ✨️
Who else hates it?
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