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hellbentrapture · 2 days
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The heart is heavy, and it aches so very much...
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hellbentrapture · 15 days
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PSA: If you post anything containing suicide, jokes or otherwise, and you don't tag it, I will have to unfollow you for now. I just can't handle that right now.
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hellbentrapture · 15 days
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For the love of God, stop asking the BG3 voice actors to say weird stuff for you on Cameo. It is so creepy and such a violation of boundaries. They are not their characters! Yes, do I want more stuff from Rolan's VA? SURE! IN THE GAME! Where it makes SENSE! Where he's consented to it in a logical, safe environment!
People have said such hyper sexual stuff to poor Neil Newborn that he had to issue a polite but firm request to knock it off. That is mortifying. He should never have been made to feel uncomfortable enough to do that. And of all the characters, too! Astarion's story is about him NOT being a fetishized sex object. I think the only thing Neil had legitimate fun with is that video where he's pretending to be Astarion doing a wake up call. That one is amazing and pure and hilarious.
Don't tweet the VAs your NFSW fanart. Don't ask them to read aloud parts of your fanfic. If you absolutely HAVE to have "official" input on your hyperfixations, go talk to Larian and the writers.
Just leave the actors themselves alone unless you're going to tell them something polite, respectful, and kind.
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hellbentrapture · 23 days
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Please please pleeeease tag posts containing "kill yourself" jokes.
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hellbentrapture · 28 days
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Vent Post TW: depression, grief, despair, suicide, eugenics, genocide.
My best friend killed himself. My province is killing disabled people. My province is killing trans people. We are literally watching history repeat itself, and go so much further, and my country is doing fucking nothing to help Palestine.
My disabilities currently prevent me from working. My disabilities currently prevent me from going to school. I cannot save or make income on the side, or I lose my disability benefits (and I am lucky I have them at all). My "benefits" are not enough to live on, and my needs are not met, nevermind aid for my disabilities - and I feel such guilt about it.
This isn't what I wanted. I know it takes time. I know, somehow, things will get better. But gods above, how...
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hellbentrapture · 29 days
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Unwelcome DMs
Hi, I am a disabled and utterly impoverished individual that would be homeless if not for barely getting into the housing program I am in. I am always behind on my bills, I cannot afford enough food, and I do not have equitable and equal access to most things.
Do NOT message me asking for donations.
It's insulting, insensitive, and triggering. No, I cannot help you. I can't do any kind of fundraising for myself because the government would count it as income AND I cannot save or I will lose my disability benefits. I literally cannot ask for Mutual Aid for myself. And even when I have tried, no one has helped me (apart from close friends who are all passing the same money around).
I am pro Mutual Aid, but this is the one place I do not campaign for it. This is the one place I do not actively reblog all the MAs of queer and POC. I have places for that, for when I am able. But also, like, my best friend just died? Give me a break?
TL;DR - Anyone DMing me for mutual aid will be blocked on this account.
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hellbentrapture · 1 month
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Gone
I did not think my first eulogy would be for my best friend. I did not think we would not grow old together, geriatrics doing movie nights. I did not think I would not always be cooking and sharing meals with him, so candid and excited about each one. I did not think he would let go. I did not think he would not be there. Ever. Again.
CW/TW: suicide, grief, loss, depression, mental illness, abusive and manipulative family, funeral arrangements, C-PTSD/PTSD, OCD.
My best friend committed suicide on February the 7th of this year (2024), I learned about it on the 10th after myself and my other best friend filed a missing persons report for him on the 9th. He had been struggling only a few days prior with an episode that involved C-PTSD and a flashback - I cannot divulge more than this, only that it was so complicated and there is so much more to it. He did go to the hospital, on Sunday the 4th. He did spend the night. He went home Monday the 5th.
Myself, he, and my other best friend had a group call. We talked for awhile and he was genuinely hopeful for the future. He had plans, he was talking to people, he was reaching out.
Wednesday the 7th was the last time anyone heard from him - it was me and my other best friend, at 10am. We were told he likely died around 4:30pm/5pm. A matter of hours, lessened when you account for him writing the letter and travelling. We were informed it was a train. I will never look at trains the same ever again, I do not know when I will be able to truly look at them yet...
The space between the 7th and the 10th is because he was unidentified, and was only discovered and connections made because I insisted we check on him. I insisted we make calls on Friday, we go to his apartment, we involve local health, we involve the police. Had we not filed that missings, who knows how long it would have been.
Worse yet, his abusive and estranged mother is his legal next of kin. So she gets to make all the calls on his arrangements and care. He had technically cut off his sister 8 months ago, but she is our only ally and is the far far lesser of the two evils. Working with her has not been as bad as it could be - without her, my other best friend and I would have no power nor legal recourse anywhere.
Before his mother intervened, we had picked a lovely funeral home to have him cremated at, that even said they could arrange a viewing for us. Instead, he will be going to literally the cheapest crematorium in the city (that actually advertises as such) and does not do viewings. His mother has been withholding what belongings she has gotten and has threatened to withhold all of his ashes if his sister does not see her for them. His mother, and her partner, have also threatened to keep the ashes out of spite. Luckily, the crematorium has promised us half the ashes that we can pick up separately.
I am trying not to fret that She will intervene once more...
I have not been fully processing or feeling it all yet - I don't think I will be able to until we are done planning the official service (that anyone who knew him is welcome to) and the wake (the tight circle). So a big part of me feels like I am in wait mode still.
But I do feel it every now and then, the deep cavernous sadness. The utter despair. The loss. The denial. The anger. Grief. More grief.
I loved him so very much. We were two struggling souls caught in a ruthless and relentless storm, gripping each other's hands, terrified but knowing we could make it together. I had so many visions of my future, and he was always going to be there with us.
In the end, as he told me in his letter, it was the OCD. I am angry that he gave into the impulse to find only the worst stories of OCD, where he believes those to be the all. I am deeply hurt, wishing I had known it felt so bad for him. And I am mortally terrified, for I did not know OCD could take you down like that - and I have OCD.
And you know what this all needs? Therapy. Do you know what I cannot access? Therapy.
I am so lucky and thankful for the Tight Circle I still have, we are supporting each other so much right now and I am so glad for it. I know I have others. I know this awful, awful pain will pass eventually, with time.
Time...
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hellbentrapture · 2 months
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One of my beloved's took me out for my birthday on Friday, so I got dolled up! I had a really lovely time~
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hellbentrapture · 2 months
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My stuffs from @prideknights arrived, and they look so great! ❤️🤎💛💚💙💜💗
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hellbentrapture · 2 months
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It is baffling to me the actual lack of critical thinking there is in fandom - like I know that's fandom, and yet somehow I am still baffled.
Most of the time, if you don't romance Astarion, and you choose to invite him to the drow threesome, he will agree. If you did romance Astarion, he will decline. There is the possibility of him sort of saying yes if you have completed his questline, but like, it's very clear he isn't really into it or comfortable. And then I see people asking why this is the way it is? And it's like...have you even been paying attention?
If you romance Astarion, he becomes vulnerable and open to you. He outright declines sex and wants to start from ground zero. If you do not romance Astarion, then he is still of the mindset that his body is his way to survival - and thus it is a facade he uses, which is why he agrees to the threesome. You don't get the man both ways. And again, even when he does agree when you do romance him, he is not comfortable. The narration and the writing make that very clear.
I've LITERALLY seen posts of people being like "Hi, I committed genocide of Halsin's grove instead of freeing him and rescuing the grove, why can't I have him in my party??" LIKE GEE I WONDER.
I've seen posts of people going, "Why can't I have all the possible companions in my camp and access all the possible paths/decisions regardless of what play style I choose?" Like my friends, you can't have it all. That's the point of RPGs like these, you do multiple playthroughs. People are fleshed out and complex, they're not gonna flip alignments just 'cause you wanna collect a harem or play this like skyrim.
Like please. I beg of y'all to use your brains...
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hellbentrapture · 2 months
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There is not enough variation in the character designer, and we've all agreed on that, and while we can add more mods for more customization - ALL BODY TYPES SHOULD BE INCLUDED IN BASE GAMES LIKE THESE.
Like why must all the fighter types be buff hard abs? Because, as a matter of fact, hard abs is not the most common body type for tough types! There's bellies, there's wide and thick frames - and they can be any height!
Baldur's Gate 3 is a game where you can have purple eyes, horns, a tail, and fully animated genitals BUT you can't be fat
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hellbentrapture · 3 months
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It is unfathomable to me that Gale of Waterdeep is considered somehow the most annoying character. Like, bitch, I'm sorry? Astarion? Shadowheart??? Hello???? All of the characters are annoying in Act I - that's half the point: we're all wearing our masks of survival, all traumatized and fighting our demons (or in many cases, gods). None of us actually know each other. The most "annoying" traits melt away as we get to know each other (in one way or another). *Gasp* Kind of like real life? How that happens and with who depends on your playthrough.
I found Gale's charm similar in style to Wyll's, just characterized differently - they both have a way with words at least! All Gale has is his magic, he places all of his self worth into that, what would we call it? Special interest? And on top of this, Mystra, the literal Goddess of Magic, uses and manipulates Gale as she pleases. How are any of Gale's ambitions or traits out place as compared to any of the others? He's not the only one in an unfair (arguably abusive) relationship, with trauma, with insecurities and deep rooted issues. And he's certainly not the quirkiest one there.
So how is the neurodivergent-coded chronically ill wizard the most annoying? How is it "good" that blowing himself up is his best ending?? Blowing himself up because Mystra tells him to, rather than what he could become as an individual. He is worth more than just being a pawn for a god.
Is he annoying because he requires magical items to manage his chronic illness - and yes, I am going to keep calling it that. I know he got it via his own hubris blablabla, moving on. But friends, companions, you don't need that ring of color spray. You will not use half of those items, and you can make gold easily with what you do sell. Gale cannot simply be called annoying because he consumes magical items.
As a neurodivergent, chronically ill, disabled persons, I live in constant fear of being considered too "annoying" and "too much" and someone who should be discarded by society or those with the power.
Gale is not flawless either, he has a lot to work on, I'm not ignoring that. But damn y'all...
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hellbentrapture · 3 months
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it just doesn’t sit right with me that some of Larian’s folks look at the grooming victim that is neurodivergent coded and go “he deserves to die”
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hellbentrapture · 4 months
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Ideas for Transgender angels.
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hellbentrapture · 4 months
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Just me over here, crying as I play through the epilogue on my first character, Hymn. It's so damn good. :')
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hellbentrapture · 4 months
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reblog for larger sample size :)
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hellbentrapture · 4 months
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I'm really stoned but damn do I fucking love Star Trek Deep Space 9. It's spiritual.
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