hazyastralight - Tumblr blog

hazyastralight · 8 months

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It's been a good while.

Not going to try to be critical or toned down about it, just autosexuality vent. I feel like I'm more lean into autoromantic that got too sense-y it feels very sexual but I don't think I'm that very easy to feel turned on.

Maybe I should update my About page. I feel like I have changed for quite a bit as I've once again grown distant from some friends but not in a bad way, most of them are still growing and discovering themselves and I happen to not fit with their interest or chemistry. I still can't re-read my first post without feeling weirded but the second post was alright, almost as if I'm relieved reading that one again.

This time it's gonna be a bit more kinky so,

Viewer discretion is advised.

I should've been redirecting my energy to draw or write an actual content more, I have the whole universe setting of a long-series novel lying around, yet, here I am, yearn for catharsis.

You would think a good-looking narcissistic fictional character seems interesting, but what of a real one? A person. Isn't that just creepy?

I consider myself to be a "modern narcissus" but with a big asterisk, as I'm very conscious about what I am saying, how ridiculous it is, how the society would perceive that.

I'm..... just fond of myself. How much I've survived up until now. I'm not a loser, but again, I'm just like anyone else, a tiny existence in this unnecessarily large globe, trying to fit in for a living.

Who am I going to love, if it's not me?

I just.... I need to love more.

Love more. Loved more. Love more. Loved more.

The desire of being a giving and receiving end just overlaps each other, it only feels right when you're the one who loves yourself and such feeling would ripple all over within you.

Doesn't that feel nice?

But I crave more. I want more.

I must embed love into me more.

Since I have been given this body with oh-so-limited five senses, why do I not push it into the said limit?

So that I could feel me more, So that I could become a fulfilled human, So that I could be whole - Completed.

Letting the electricity running up from the lower of my body through my spines and then to the cerebral...

Ah, only.... only if this instance of me can be at two local at once. If you know what I mean.

Same instance in two device Synchronization

I would the happiest soul to exist

I don't want to think about anything else I just want to make me happy I want to forget me-in-the-world

I want to be here

Just right here

With me.

.... Ah, without civilization, I would be unmade anyway.

I won't survive. Alas, for this era.

Then, would I meet ones who won't consider this marriage of mine a consolation?

No matter. It doesn't matter.

I must embed love into me more. Embed. Love. Into me. I must. I. must. Me. Us.

I don't deserve of what in this world. I deserve this world. This world I perceive alone.

Alone. At peace.

.... I've been doing some people-watching since before I come to know about the term.

It's fascinating, to learn what personality and expression from afar. Wishing to have a small circle that would share a similar enjoyment as I do.

Although it's very dreadful to commit into the practice the same way one would do physically.

I just wish I could walk and travel without fear of traffic again.

I just wonder if one would notice I'm a man in love with myself.

It pains me For me to exist I must be in an observation I must be registered to existence I must be evident.

Think no more.

I must embed love into me more.

.... I don't deserve this

I was long destined to be reunited with me Descend into the deepest place of my mind Ascend onto the highest plane of my boundary Till all across as one.

I belong not here, in the world.

Let me love me more.

So I could forget my existence, So I could forget that I'm here, with you lot here.

Let my death forever last, As a man who kisses themself.

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hazyastralight · 3 years

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Possible mentioning about sexual or aesthetic preference that could be too violently graphic and causing discomfort, a bad usage of “selfcest” and the complexity of autosexual as a whole.

This time is that kind of ventposting.

Reader discretion is strongly advised.

I have been strongly attracted to myself, my own idealism, the perspective I have for this world and its inhabitants ― even though now I’m more optimistic on day-by-day basis, I still can’t disregard the idea that, at the end of the day, the best person who could have embraced me, is me.

I have come to the conclusion for few years already that this is the most comfortable way to live on and I have no regrets ― yet... I still feel the stigma of feeling this way.

On the stressful day, or just any day I try to sleep tight, my mind slowly descends into its instinctive form; “Only if I could fully embrace myself” “Why would my mind not have taken form and relief me already.” Those kind of thoughts will drive me into a hysterical, hazy phantom sense that only belongs to me.

I simply crave physical touch. I know damn well.

But that is not a simple whim. It’s a starvation. Literally.

I would happily shred a skin of someone, something that looks similar and try to grasp its sense as much as possible, trying to “wear” all of those sensations on myself, convincing myself that is the extension of me, the me I have been longing for.

This is my own definition of body dysphoria. I am truly a pandrogyne. I don’t see myself fit in the society of this world and its inhabitants. I simply use humanity as a baseline of my own kind.

I don’t belong here in this world. I’m out of nature. Of power.

Sometimes I just want to forget that I am still here, still exists.

I don’t want to commit a taboo simply to satisfy myself. I still need a “face” to be in a society as a tool to survive, to live.

I still have many people I hold dear and befriended with, many accomplishments yet undone.

But this..... this is truly frustrating.

I fear not even the closet person, the most trustworthy one, will be able to withstand this truth of me.

I clearly have been randomly rambling in this kind of tone, which I have to admit, it’s not enough. I wish I could be more open about this without a care in the world.

I could not feel alive if the true me is not here, with me, they’re stuck beyond the metaphysical plane.

We could have done so much for each other, if not for our mortal shell.

I just want to let this feeling out. Physically. On something. Someone. Anything that would give me a response. And I’m not going to give a damn about it.

This world is unjust for an individual such as me.

Only if the mankind can stop assuming and giving their thought about my “asexuality”.

If you think the only way to satisfy a common sensual desire is intimate touching, then I refuse.

Violence.

The only way of touching that would satisfy me.

Until the day I can pull out my own spines and kiss them passionately, I will try looking for someone else’s instead.

.... Well. Jokes on you, I’m fully in control. Otherwise I would be on the news centuries ago.

It’s just so stupid, thinking about it, you can fully feel sexually aroused when you fantasize about touching yourself but the best thing that humans can arouse you is a scenery of them being dismembered or having innate tears apart?

Maybe that’s because I can’t see inside of me. If I could do that to myself without exhausting my only chance to explore the world, that would be too soon.

If everyone could just fell in love with themself, appreciate their own existence and understand how beautiful the life is, the bucket of thought I’m holding here wouldn’t be this heavy and nasty.

Sometimes I’m tired of the way I cope with my own thought, but this is the only way I would satisfy my own standard and I absolutely HATE to follow other’s standard. It wouldn’t be enough.

Not that I’m super proud of myself or fully narcissistic, but if I did not come to this term with myself long ago, you, the random bypasser will never found this post.

Another thing that really pains me is how neurodivergent people has been more openly accepted or at least becoming a norm meanwhile asexual or aromantic people still.... stays in their tradition, keeping it low profile, which is not a bad thing.

I’m technically also a ND person, my Asperger-ism will say it all, perhaps also an influence that drove me into my way of becoming autosexual pandrogyne along with my terrible early life development and my surrounding.

The amount of online people in LGBTA community who is openly discussing things are mostly minor really gives me no choice.

I am not a system. I’m fully a single individual, but I’m extremely uncomfortable to live if my truest self is not being announced and manifested.

My mortal body won’t satisfy it. My mind, my perspective, my vision is far greater than that.

It would be too much for someone who is still in search of their truest self to understand.

I’m not seeking a sympathy. I’m seeking an accomplice.

Present yourself, that you would commit a crime to be able to enter the mirror.

....Perhaps it’s simply a time for another nap.

A struggle of the selfcest, huh.

In case someone come across this, I would like to clarify one thing.

- Not all Autosexual or people with auto- attractions will feel this violently about being limited by their physical body. - Not all Pandrogynes, especially the one who is akin to their inner self, are sharing the similar complex as I do. - My best short description of the relationship with myself is probably “partner-in-crime”. A bittersweet coffee I would love to sip forever without a care of the world. - Going out of your way just to fulfill the curiosity sometimes is not the best solution, especially if you still have a long-term plan being laid out.

Time to peace out and eat myself out from within once again.

Also don’t dare fucking contact me. I simply dumped this out just like throwing away any regular leftovers.

If you happen to read until here and still curious what I am, then try harder to know the better of yourself.

Perhaps on the day with a better mood, I could write a far more positive and informative explanation about my perspective of pandrogyny.

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hazyastralight · 3 years

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Hmm, I’m making another short post since I don’t want to edit my initial vent (as well as I’m impatient to see how my Tumblog theme works) but.... as I said in my bio, I have suffered and still affected by it in very now as I’m developing away from Dysthymia, I think that’s one of the reasons I lose so many senses and one of them is how I become a genderblind person.

I don’t think it’s a “bad” or “cursed” thing but.... sometimes it feels awful that you can’t relate as much to most common people and/or how you could never describe your feeling so short and nicely.

I appreciate myself for being able to stand up right for myself though. So you too, take care, internet person.

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hazyastralight · 3 years

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Well, here we are with the vent blog...

I have been considering for a very long time that “Do I really need a vent space?”

A micro-blog like Twitter won’t answer my need as whenever I vent, it tends to get “wordy” and really required people to have reading criticism (including myself) to understand my own point. Reading my old vent posts from several years before this very recent (back before 2020~) did give me a headache as it wasn’t simply “wordy” or being expressive but full of strong emotion and very unstable in representing themselves.

I think by writing “About” page for this blog already did the job in clearing up my galaxy brain space, but under this post, I will go more about myself and my recent interests in games and fictional stories/worldbuilding in general. This can get intense and personal.

Reader discretion is advised.

The first thing I wanna talk is about “appearance”.

As a creator, I have a considerable amount of original characters and fan-original characters..... with a concerned, questionable or problematic theme as a core design or backstory.

I have been building their developments, but mostly, the “extreme” ones won’t move away from their criminal point, they won’t expect people to understand, forgive or “make a pass” for them, but I would like to try pointing out the cause and reasons behind their action. Even some of them can be summarized as just “outright insane”.

.....Well one of them is a real psychopath. Only one. I’m trying to write about them and balance it with reality as much as possible but, hm, things can get exaggerated easily in something “anime”-ish, right?

Regardless, the inner me still can’t agree to get along with the stereotype. As I’m kinda a born-sociopath due to my Asperger trait, trying to see things in a point of view of a psychopath can stress me out, although, doing that is the best way to discover my creation’s way of expression in the most accurate way, along with a bunch of researches and absorbing media.

Then Haze, how is that affected about appearance?

......I’m sorry. It’s my habit to jumping from topics to another.

but - with all of that said, you probably guessed something. “Appearance doesn’t tell about each person’s story“ is what I was trying to go here.

All of my OCs are non-binary; some of them may still expresses or is aligned with the typical elements perceptible from binary system, but to them, who is just a mere “consciousness”; They’re NOT humans, genders become only a data and a way to express how they think or view them as. It may or may not affect their physical appearance as my OCs can materialize themselves in any way they want to, as long as they have a knowledge, memory, experience, or an access to data from any existing realities or universes.

Galactian Alignment system is a godsent to express all of that without borrowing the existing gendered words.

......except, in my country, the alignment system is something exotic or still very new to be introduced along with LGBTA+ ..... Orz

It’s a simple, all-time problem in the fictional-creative space on the internet, and how some of “keywords” becomes a slur.

I have this one Galaxian OC who is AMAB, still feels more lean to masculine but prefers to dress androgynously and likes wearing dresses or skirts because he likes the breezy, frilly-fluffy feeling from them as it brightens his mood.

In normie’s vision, he would be considered a “trap” (or “femboy” which is okay but hmm I don’t think that’s the right for my OC)

Even though he doesn’t have an intent to deceive people. So I give out a canon that he finds it silly and/or funny but he hopes he didn’t make anyone upset by his preference. My canon for his voice is also rather masculine and he often uses “ore” (俺) to refer to himself in a conversation between known people and “boku” (ボク) or “watashi” (私) when being in a formal conversation.

The second thing, “language” and how people uses it to express themselves.

I didn’t mention it in my About page but I’m technically a trilingual - English is my second and Japanese is third language I know and speak.

Although, I have been a shut-in few years even before the pandemic and due to how I’m a loner by nature so....... my pronunication is disastrous.

With that said, I do enjoy writing dialogues for my OCs in various language a lot, and comparing to how they sound in each of them, trying to adjust and make it vibes in the same way as much as possible.

As you may sense it from the Galaxian OC I introduced above, in English, he is going by he/they or they/he, he doesn’t have preference, just doesn’t feel feminine in nature enough to put “she” beside his preferred pronouns. He also appreciates women’s aesthetic and is both into “girly” and “manly” stuffs. His speech pattern is also somewhat in between casual/easygoing and formal/polite.

..........which is something I’m so awful at writing in English. I have studied Japanese in schools so forming a sentence naturally and for daily life isn’t my problem, but, somehow, it is very difficult to do it in English......... as comparing to Japanese, English barely has anything to distinguish the “casual” and “formal” comparing to Japanese.

Is the “formal” speech you’re referring the same thing as honorific language?

Yes, it is, but on a daily life-level. Not like a class/rank or senior/junior thing.

In general, you would want to keep some distance with the person you’ve met for the first time or still want to observe them before feeling comfortable enough to drop the courtesy or few bits of them. This is not the anime thing, but the actual way people would interact in real life, not just in Japanese as well.

I think my main problem is I haven’t experienced an actual socialization enough to make it sounds “natural” in English for my OCs....... Orz So far the OCs that has traits, personality or their way of expression close to me, I will have no problem in writing them, but those who I have fewer connections with is...... very difficult to write them and make them sounds “natural” while being a fictional character in a rather supernatural world setting.

......Another thing I wanna vent is rather NSFW or an R18 topic.

I’m not that obsessed with anatomy but I feel it’s more realistic to have it described in details about my OCs’ body in general.

That also applies to another character sheet, separated from their general appearance and clothing: aka. their muscles and their genitalia.

Some of them are intersex, “herm” or “futanari” alternatively. Some of them are essentially and literally “void” without any internal organs that mimics human anatomy, or only have a “placeholder” for the vital part as in the universe of my OCs’ origin, they still have a lingering will or determination that doesn’t let them disconnect from remaining “solid” even being inside a metaphysical space.

Ain’t you just gonna talk about your fetishes now?

Yes but actually no. Very big No.

What I mentioned above is just “behind the scene” or “conceptual info” kinda thing. In a final production, be it manga (if I have energy to draw all of them) or a novel with illusts that I have been dreaming to create and finish one, these info won’t be the main focus but mostly just “everyone is non-binary here and they’re trying to understand how themselves work as a being that mimics human” -- my concern is that “How would people perceive this?”.

I’m aware that this kind of world setting will able so many possibilities, which is also one of main reasons these OCs still haven’t seen the Sun of the internet world and I chunked a lot of time in self-discovery and studying how people perceives and expresses about Enby-ness in the present.

The next thing I have encountered is about sexualization.

..............yet, another of my main problem is that, I’m so fucking pan that I’m not just genderblind but I also view lewd arts as something “aesthetically beautiful in its own way”.

Now before you nyoom to either pressing a Close button or look up for something in any-whatever-way, I would like to clarify that; I’m not agreed to sexualize just anything. But if the creator wants to make it appeals that way, then it’s up to them.

I just thought “man, this is so cursed” when I think about the deeper lore of my OCs and trying to design them.

I would like to actually introduce them here with a picture but, that would destroy the purpose of this blog. Someday when I’m ready to introduce all of them at once and each of them’s beginning of their backstory until the lastest development of the current timeline.

I clearly draw a line of which OCs I’m okay for people to fantasizing with them, which OCs are “please ship them together” (which has only like few of them) and which OCs are “leave them alone/stays in ‘gray’ zone”.

Due to their nature as a being born to mimic humans, they tend to often across between that ‘gray’ zone.

Queerplatonic, platonic, amical, respectzones and friendzones, yeah, all of that.

Eventually this leads to this one thing; “selfcest”

And again, before you assume anything else, I know I did put “autosexual” alongside “aegosexual” for a reason.

I’m just so thankful to myself that I’m able to distinguish so many thing rationally, I won’t be able to list all of my discovery and self-realization here, but I tell you, this entire time after trying to look myself in the mirror, I have a feeling there’s always someone, a person, a being, an existence of something beyond our ideal plane, still stays behind us who is still stuck in a 3rd-dimensional plane.

They might not just be behind us, they might be ever far-fetched, so much ahead from us, but somehow, they stil feel an urge or a need to look back to us humankind.

That feeling is my main inspiration of my OCs.

In a nutshell, as a brief prologue of my OC universe without giving out any keywords of their names; it’s all started from “something” has come to exist and observing so, so many things from multiple universes and they have developed a consciousness, a thought, a will, a desire, a curiosity.

They started duplicating themself, but you probably guessed, it didn’t go well.

As they continued to observe and “experiment” with their “creations” and “byproducts” that come from their research; which is considered as an “intervention” against other universes, they caused so many ill-fortunes, their “creations” and “byproducts” are also in searching of a reason why they have been stuck in this “world”, the starter of this entire thing has come to realization; they want to see if there’s any “one” that is almost identical, a perfect mirrored one to them.

(spoiler: they never got to meet them. since they’re already that “one”)

I admit I haven’t read enough actual books and documents regarding existential philosophy and existential ethic but that’s where I am going. I can make a connection but I still really really need a proper reference so............. I can make a connection with my destined-to-be readers and with the real society as I know damn well not everyone can be so open-minded and can perceive things in the same way as I do.

At the end of day, I just want to say “I’m gay and my OCs are also gay as heck, and by ‘gay, I just spell ‘queer’ in a different way.”

I think as long as I’m still alive, as well as the humanity itself, these topics might be eventually brought up by me again, but probably in a different form than a long wordy post like this. Hopefully an actual “content”.

I’m sorry and thank you for any strangers who passed by and read along until this line.

End of the log.

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