Fear of taking one step forward

april 2o 2o24 4:58 in the afternoon

I fear moving forward because I know one day I will fall backwards. A large part of me believes that everyone fears that one day all the times they have taken steps towards something, that suddenly all their work will be undone. Not because of someone or something else, but because they were no longer strong enough to stand up. The logical part of my brain knows that most people aren't cursed with my thoughts. I'm glad for people that can just do things without an internal fight. To be wholeheartedly dramatic, I feel like Sisyphus. The rock I am pushing has only rolled down the hill once but it set me back so far that I fear it happening again. When I was younger I didn't even realize I had been pushing a rock until the day it slipped away. Every day since then I have been hyperaware. Contrary to what I feel, I have made progress. A significant amount compared to where I was. But every day I have to fight against my own urge to just let the rock go and destroy my progress. Every day I worry that I won't be resolute enough against myself. Every. Single. Day. I tell myself and believe that if I did not have to fight these battles every day, that I would be less afraid to move forward. If I could just do the things I wanted I would be so content and I would look forward to more new experiences. I still haven't told the people I care about that I plan to move away. I am afraid because it will make it real. I am afraid because sometimes speaking an idea into the world takes away your chance to execute that idea. I am afraid of me. It all rests on me. Even with the help I know I will have I'm still scared that I won't be able to stand one day to push my rock and I will undo my progress in seconds. I tell myself I could be happy here but I know that I haven't been happy for a long time here. Am I seeking validation or am I just broken and will never find happiness anywhere?

Thoughts for the Void

april 15 2o24 3:o3 in the morning

Today I struggled to feel real. I slept soundly and woke up at a decent time, at least for me. I had course work due in the evening but it was light work and I finished it shortly after sitting down at my desk. I rewarded myself with some Path of Exile until I joined a discord channel to play some final fantasy xiv with some friends. I was mostly present at the time. Maybe 6o% aware of what I was saying and doing. After I changed back to Path of Exile and have been playing since. Just over 6 hours. And through that time I have been playing with my eyes unfocused and barely cognizant of the things I am doing. Maybe this is what they call disassociation, maybe not. The weather was far more humid than we’ve seen this year and I am not one who functions well in the heat. You’d think that my half central american blood would fortify me but it seems not. I have often wondered if I was fathered by the man I was told I was. I can draw nearly zero parallels between us. I don’t know if it would make me feel better or worse to know if the truth I’ve been told is actually the truth. I’d like to think I don’t torment myself over my parents anymore but it is difficult to truly separate yourself from these things that were instilled in you. I had kicked around the idea for a blog for a few weeks now. I use a journal to write to myself and to whomever chooses to read it if they find it when I’m gone. But sometimes, often, I produce thoughts that are not for paper, they are for the Void. I at least expect someone to leaf through my journals one day but this I am perfectly satisfied if it is only for me. At the very least I hope that I can use this as a marker of how far I will go and where I began. I plan to leave home this year. I have not discussed or told anyone but the friend that will welcome me into their home. I hope to use this to show my adventure. I can no longer float through this life. I never set myself up for a future because I never planned on living much past 18. I am still here and I have nothing to lose so I might as well make the drastic changes that have the potential to give me some happiness. I plan to inform the couple of people in my life of my change soon. Or I hope I will gather the courage to do it soon. As much as I’ve tried to do life without support I know I need it. I do not think I will be supported when I tell them I’m leaving. I think I will break their hearts or at the very least; they will break mine.